Parenting Information Articles

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

In-depth parenting information articles covering parents of children with mental illness, parents with mental illness and child development.

Abuse
Behavior Disorders and Behavior Problems
Bullies
Child Mental Health
Child Therapy
Chronic Pain
Co-parenting
Discipline
Discipline When Your Child Has a Mental Illness
Gender
Learning Disabilities and Special Needs
Parental and Caregiver Stress
Parenting Children with Mental Illness

Parenting for Parents with a Mental Illness
Parenting Help
Parenting Skills and Strategies
Parenting Style
Parenting Fails
Parenting Tips for Specific Situations
Parenting Teenagers
Relationships

Mental Health Stigma
More Parenting-Related Information

Abuse

Behavior Disorders and Behavior Problems

Bullies

Child Mental Health

Child Therapy

Chronic Pain

Co-parenting

Discipline

Discipline When Your Child Has a Mental Illness

Gender

Learning Disabilities and Special Needs

Parental and Caregiver Stress

Parenting Children with Mental Illness

Medications for Children

Addictions

ADHD

Anxiety

Autism

Bipolar Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Depression

DMDD

Eating Disorders

Oppositional Defiance Disorder

Schizophrenia

Self-Injury

Parenting for Parents with a Mental Illness

Parenting Help

Parenting Skills and Strategies

Parenting Style

Parenting Fails

Parenting Tips for Specific Situations

Parenting Teenagers

Relationships

Dads

Divorce

Parental Roles

Siblings

Mental Health Stigma

More Parenting-Related Information

Videos on Parenting

Blogs on Parenting

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2022, January 11). Parenting Information Articles, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-information-articles

Last Updated: January 18, 2022

Parenting Hacks That Take Some Stress Off Your Shoulders

Tanya J. Peterson

Parenting hacks are tricks and tips that can take stress of your shoulders. These parenting life hacks will return your energy and delight in your kids.

Parenting hacks are stress-relieving, smart strategies for healthy parenting. Imagine parenting with less stress and more joy. Embracing these parenting hacks—or clever skills—will help take stress off your shoulders so you don’t feel so frazzled and exhausted.

This apt phrase has been floating around for decades and has appeared on magnets, shirts, and bumpers stickers because it’s so universally accurate: “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” (Modern parents can add the word “poppa.”) The following parenting hacks will help make you happier and less stressed, and by default, your improved mood will make your family happier, too.

Stress-Relieving Parenting Hacks for Messes and Organization

  • Take the struggles out of clean-up time by turning it into a game. Play “beat the clock” by timing how fast they can pick up toys. Challenge them to throw toys into the toybox or basket. Tape an area of the kitchen floor and have young children try to sweep crumbs and dropped cereal bits into the space. Oh, and play peppy kid music. It helps.
  • Popsicles are a fan favorite among kids, but they make a sticky, drippy mess. Catch the mess with a plastic lid from a coffee cup. Simply slide the stick through the hole, and ta-da! Instant drip tray.
  • Hang clear plastic shoe holders over doors to organize mittens, hats, and other winter gear; ponytail elastics and barrettes, small toys, and more.
  • If your young child takes delight in unrolling toilet paper, secure the roll with a rubber band to thwart them.

Parenting Hacks for Health and Safety and Parent Exhaustion

  • Babies like the soothing pressure of a parent’s hand when drifting to sleep. If you are too exhausted to stand at the crib, you can occasionally rest a glove filled with rice or coffee beans on your little one’s back for comfort while you fall into bed.
  • Store a quart-sized, giant marshmallow-filled baggy in the freezer. When boo-boos need ice, grab this kid-friendly icepack that’s soft and just the right temperature.  
  • Slipping a segment of a pool noodle over the door’s edge will help prevent painful pinches from slammed doors.
  • Pool noodles make handy edge protectors so small children don’t bump their head on corners and edges.
  • Apply puff paint to the bottom of socks to slip-proof them.
  • Draw a chart on a prescription medicine bottle to keep track of doses given.
  • Remove dreaded splinters by covering them with a baking soda and water paste, waiting a few minutes for the splinter to retreat, and easily grab and extract with a tweezers.

Parenting Hacks for Arts and Crafts Time

  • If you need to get things done outside, give your toddler or preschooler a bucket of water and a large paintbrush. Let them have fun painting the fence, house, sidewalk—anything they fancy.
  • Glitter is great for projects but terrible for messes. Keep a lint roller nearby to swiftly roll up errant glitter.
  • Squirt a bit of paint into gallon-size Ziploc bags. Tape them securely to a window or wall, and enjoy your older baby’s mess-free “painting” experience.
  • Tape a large sheet of butcher paper on the floor, place crayons and markers nearby, and let kids scribble, draw, and write anytime they wish.

Stress-Relieving Parenting Hacks to Help with Life’s Little Hassles

  • Are you headed for the beach? Fitted sheets make great sand-free zones. Use objects you have with you, like a cooler, to support the corners of the sheet. This sheet can double as a shady cover over a playpen.
  • Lego pieces and other small toys need washing, but what parent has time or energy to wash them by hand in the sink? Plop the pieces into a mesh bag (or better yet, have your kids do it), and toss them in the washing machine.
  • It’s annoying at best when kids lock themselves in a room. If you don’t want to replace all the handles with lock-free ones, use a rubber band. It’s much cheaper and just as effective (until your kids figures out the counter-hack of removing it). Loop it around one knob, pull it to the other knob, crossing it over the deadlatch, and loop it around the other knob.
  • Wrap rubber bands around the pumps of soap dispensers to limit the amount of soap your kids use.
  • When it’s time to wean your toddler off the pacifier, snip the tip off the binkies to render them useless. Or teach an economics lesson by letting them turn them in to buy a new toy (this is better used with preschoolers).
  • You might have noticed how obnoxiously loud kids’ toys can be. A bit of tape over the speaker muffles.  

Remove stress from your shoulders and revel in life with your kids with these parenting hacks. Momma and poppa and children will be happy.

See Also:

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). Parenting Hacks That Take Some Stress Off Your Shoulders, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-help/parenting-hacks-that-take-some-stress-off-your-shoulders

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

The Role of Play Therapy Toys

Tanya J. Peterson

Therapists uses play therapy toys with children to help them explore and express difficulties. Read this to learn about toys kids use during play therapy.

Play therapy toys line the walls and fill the space in a play therapist’s office. Play therapists connect with children through toys, games, and other items, and they encourage their young clients to explore themselves and their world with toys. Kids don’t have the words to communicate complex ideas like their deep thoughts and emotions or why they are acting aggressively. Play therapy helps with this, letting children explore their experiences through play. In the counseling room, play therapy toys are communication and understanding.

Play Therapy Toys: Chosen to Fit Play Therapy Themes

Activities and toys used in play therapy aren’t arbitrary. Play therapists choose their toys intentionally to facilitate communication around the issues kids can face. Children use play to work through themes:

  • Family relationships and nurturance
  • Power and aggression
  • Sexualized play
  • Control and safety
  • Interaction
  • Exploration and mastery

Kids choose toys freely. What they choose and how they play provides the therapist with important clues about what the child may be trying to work through.

Not Just Any Toy is a Play Therapy Toy: Criteria for Selection

Play therapists select toys that can be used to communicate and address topics that fit with the above themes. To be useful as play therapy toys, items must appeal to kids, encourage fun, and foster a connection and interactions with the therapist.

Beyond that, they must assist kids in expressing emotions and personal needs. Further, play therapy toys must facilitate self-exploration and the exploration of others and situations. The play therapist’s office will include toys and games that let children experience success, ultimately leading to a sense of mastery and confidence.

Toys are also chosen to encourage children to test limits and experience limit-setting. Play therapy toys promote the development of self-control.

Kids can accomplish a great deal with the toys and other items used in play therapy. Here’s a look at the different toys used in play therapy and their purpose.

The Toys Used in Play Therapy

Therapists keep a plethora of toys in their playroom. The Center for Play Therapy recommends the following toys to encourage complete exploration and communication:

  • Dolls of all sizes, ages, and ethnicities; including anatomically correct trauma dolls
  • Doll houses and furniture
  • Doll clothes, hair accessories, bottles
  • Bendable figures (Gumby-like)
  • Toy kitchen: fridge, stove/oven/sink, dishes, utensils, towels, sponge
  • Vacuum or broom and dustpan
  • Medical kit, bandages
  • Balls
  • Books
  • Plastic and rubber zoo and farm animals of various sizes
  • Vehicles like cars, trucks, planes, tractors, busses, boats
  • Toy soldiers, army equipment
  • Building blocks, Tinker Toys
  • Play money, cash register
  • Puppets
  • Toy guns and knives (while controversial, these continue to be recommended toys in the therapy setting)

Not every therapist will have an office fully furnished with every toy above; however, all certified play therapists do have a wide array of these toys to offer kids multiple ways to explore and work through difficulties.

Many other types of play are part of play therapy, too.

Games designed for play therapy or standard, store-bought games let kids interact with the therapist and hone social skills. Play therapy games also distance a child from their experiences, allowing them to communicate with the therapist.

Play therapy with puppets is effective in helping kids express conflict. They can also role-play issues they might be having with family, friends, and school. Play therapy puppets include people that a child might interact with, such as mom, dad, police officer, firefighters, doctors, miscellaneous adults and children.

Sand trays provide tactile exploration. Therapists make spoons, pails, funnels, small figurines or animals, and other relevant objects available for their play therapy sand trays.

Toy instruments and art supplies are available to kids for expressive arts therapy. With this type of play activity, children express themselves through painting; drawing on paper or a chalkboard; or creating crafts with construction paper, trinkets, blunt scissors, and glue. Instruments allow children to vent some of their most intense feelings so they can process them through other play activities.

Storytelling is usually an interactive play activity between therapist and child. Stories are used to help children express difficult, confusing emotions like anger, grief, fear. attachment problems, and abandonment. Sometimes, storytelling uses puppets, a sand tray, or other toys.

Play therapy toys are appealing to kids and help both the child and therapist uncover what’s locked inside the child. Therapists build their knowledge by observing which toys a child chooses and which ones they avoid. They look not just at what a child is doing but also how they’re doing it. How are they arranging doll furniture, or how are they playing in the sand? Which puppets do they choose, and how are those puppets interacting?

Play therapy toys let kids have fun with a very important purpose. Toys can connect a child with their play therapist and encourage healing and growth that lasts.

See Also:

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). The Role of Play Therapy Toys, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/child-therapy/the-role-of-play-therapy-toys

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

My Child Has Behavior Issues—What Can I Do?

Tanya J. Peterson

Parenting a child with behavior problems is difficult. It is possible to deal with and improve your child’s behavior issues. Find out how on HealthyPlace.

Having a child with behavior issues can put a strain on the entire family. Of course, you love your child, but their problem behavior can seem to consume all your time and energy. What’s a parent to do? The first thing to do is to know that this situation isn’t hopeless—there is much you can do to improve family life when your child has behavior issues. Keep reading to discover more of what you can do to make positive changes.

What are Child Behavior Issues?

Behavior issues are problem behaviors that don’t reach the level of a diagnosable disorder like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Child behavior issues like defiance, disruptiveness, and uncooperativeness are hard for parents to deal with, but equipped with a new perspective and skillset, you can help your child with behavior issues.

The ABCs of Reducing Behavior Issues

There are three key concepts to ending child behavior problems (Child Mind Institute, n.d.):

  • Antecedents: Know what your child has experienced to trigger the undesirable behavior
  • Behaviors: Clearly identify how your child is misbehaving.
  • Consequences: Kids need the structure of limits and consequences so they know how to behave and what will happen if they don’t.

With this ABC framework in mind, there are particular do’s and don’ts for helping reduce your child’s behavior issues.

When working with your child to change their behavior, you can do these things:

  • Respond rather than react to your child. Instead of instantly becoming angry at your child for something they did or said, breathe slowly and deeply, and speak kindly and gently ("Impact of a Reactive Parent on a Child's Self-Control").
  • Establish clear rules and expectations as well as positive and negative consequences for breaking them.
  • Have situational awareness. Watch for overstimulation, distractions, hunger, thirst, fatigue, rising stress. When you notice that your child is becoming upset, remove yourselves from the vicinity and help your child calm down.
  • Use time outs. Used right, these aren’t punishments. Having a comfortable, inviting place for your child to be will help them calm down. Keep it brief, and if your child is old enough, they can decide when they’re ready to come out.
  • Prepare your child for transitions.  Many kids have difficulty stopping what they’re doing to suddenly do something else. Develop a consistent way to let your child know it’s almost time to switch gears. Help them know what time the transition will happen, and give brief warnings as the time approaches.
  • Give positive attention for positive behavior. Rewarding positive behavior is more effective than simply dealing with negative behavior. Many parents find it effective to have a menu of rewards (extra privileges, a movie night, or other such positive reinforcement that suits your child).
  • Be consistent in all that you do. Kids learn from the discipline you use. To truly change child behavior issues, it’s important to be clear and consistent in your expectations.
  • Allow choices. When kids don’t feel trapped and ordered about, they feel empowered. Having choices reduces a child’s need to behave negatively.

When dealing with difficult behavior, avoid these things:

  • Assuming your child knows want you expect. Kids often break rules because they didn’t fully understand them. If you already told your child what you expect in certain situations, they may have forgotten. What seems like behavior issues might not be deliberate defiance.
  • Yell your instructions or give consequences for misbehavior from a distance. If you’re in the kitchen and you shout something to your child in another room, chances are they won’t grasp it.
  • Rushing through transitions. Neglecting the much-needed time for kids to transition from one activity or another is setting yourself up for your child’s behavior issues.
  • Giving a string of instructions or asking your child many questions in quick succession. Your child won’t fully follow your words, which will likely result in behavior issues.
  • Yelling at or criticizing your child. This can be humiliating and risks your child stepping up the behavior issues.
  • Making consequences and punishments too harsh can overwhelm kids and make them give up and continue with their problem behavior.

Final Tips for Dealing with Child Behavior Issues

Remind yourself that your child’s behavior has antecedents or triggers. Nothing your child says or does when misbehaving is personal. When you realize that your child isn’t reacting this way because of you, it’s easier to remain calm and neutral.

Pick your battles. Trying to correct every issue, risks overwhelming your child as well as intensifying negative behavior. Knowing your values and goals you have for your child will help you decide which issue to deal with first. You can start with something small and easy or tackle one big issue that is important to you.

Parenting a child with behavior issues isn’t easy. You can help your child by following the ABCs of disciplining problem behavior.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). My Child Has Behavior Issues—What Can I Do?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/behavior-disorders/my-child-has-behavior-issues-what-can-i-do

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

What Is OCD? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Definition

Samantha Gluck

o 2 definition healthyplace

What is obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD? OCD is a disorder of the brain that adversely affects behavior and causes intense anxiety in those with the condition. People with the disorder experience obsessions that upset them. They may feel the urge to repeat certain rituals in an effort to control the obsessive thoughts. Experts refer to these rituals as compulsions. (Learn how OCD obsessions and compulsions make life difficult) For many, OCD begins in early childhood or adolescent years, but almost all people receive a OCD diagnosis by age 19.

Definition of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Perhaps the best way to convey a true definition of obsessive-compulsive disorder involves describing what it feels like:

Imagine your mind getting stuck on a certain image or thought. Now imagine that this image or thought plays in your mind over and over and over again. No matter what you do, it still keeps coming. You want it to stop, but it simply will not.

It feels like a devastating landslide or avalanche. You begin to experience feelings of severe anxiety. Ideally, anxiety acts as your brain's warning system, alerting you about danger. The anxiety emotion tells you to react and do something to protect yourself. You may realize that the fear brought on by this repeating thought or image isn't reasonable, but it still feels very real and extremely intense.

You think that your brain wouldn't lie to you; that you wouldn't have these feelings if there weren't a real reason. But for those with OCD, the brain does lie and the warning system does not work properly, causing your mind to alert you to danger when none exists. You can read more about the effects of OCD here.

Thoughts and Rituals of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

The rituals of those with obsessive-compulsive disorder result out of an attempt to stop the obsessive thoughts associated with OCD. Everyone goes back, on occasion, to verify that they've turned off the oven, locked the car or front door. But for those with OCD, these compulsions become extremely excessive, interfering with normal life. The person may or may not realize that his or her thoughts and behaviors are excessive, but even those who realize that their behavior doesn't make sense cave into the compulsive ritual.

Common-obsessive thoughts include:

  • Fear of contamination by germs or harmful substances
  • Fear of harming others or self (i.e. accidentally starting a fire)
  • Unwanted sexual thoughts
  • Unwanted religious thoughts (i.e. sacrilegious images of Christ or blasphemous thoughts)
  • Need for symmetry or exactness (i.e. need to line up objects, such as toys or magazines on a table)
  • Unwanted urge to harm another

Common compulsions include:

  • Ritual hand washing
  • Excessive cleaning (i.e. house or office)
  • Ordering and arranging objects
  • Repetitive activities (i.e. walking in and out a door, opening and shutting a cabinet or drawer)
  • Counting
  • Hoarding
  • Mental rituals (i.e. silently repeating meaningless words to remove a disturbing image)

People with OCD can get help by visiting a mental health professional. The therapist or doctor can prescribe medical treatments and share self-help strategies to help break the cycle of unwanted thoughts and urges. We have more information on OCD help and self-help here.

article references

APA Reference
Gluck, S. (2022, January 11). What Is OCD? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Definition, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/ocd/what-is-ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-definition

Last Updated: January 15, 2022

Help Your Son Deal with Mean Boys

Steven Richfield

Mean boys are often friends of your son. Relational aggression plays a part in these relationships. Get parental advice for helping your son deal with mean boys here.

Mean Boy Peer Groups and Relational Aggression

The peer group occupies tremendous influence over one's passage through childhood. It can send warm and welcoming signals of acceptance, or in the bat of an eyelash, dish out cold cruelty that tears at the fabric of children's self-worth. Twists of fate propel one boy upon a path of "social security" while another languishes in the role of a social outcast. Physical strength, height, attractiveness, intelligence, athleticism, and other popularity markers shift the social scales in either direction. Many boys are so embroiled in the acceptance/rejection cycle that they perpetuate or fall victim to predatory peer behaviors, such as verbal mistreatment, banishment, or duplicity.

Relational aggression describes these negative social actions, often committed within longstanding friendships. Underneath the cruelty lie powerful forces that shape the shifting sands of peer life. Wishes for acceptance and admiration, stored resentments, insecurity-driven rivalries, and other sources fuel the duel between "top dogs," or those in power, and "underdogs," those without. Armed with insight and reassurance, parents can soften the sting for their sons and empower them with the knowledge of how to survive rather than succumb to these destructive dynamics.

Helping Your Boy Deal with Relational Aggression, Aggressive Behavior

Here are some parent coaching tips to consider when discussing aggressive behavior and the mean boys amongst friends:

Keep communication channels open, and if they are closed, gently knock. It's common for children to withhold information related to peer problems due to feelings of inadequacy, fears of embarrassment, or a tendency to shut off painful thoughts when they return home from school. Parents may assume "no news is good news" and set themselves up for shocking revelations when troubles boil over. Approach your child with questions that reveal your awareness and get to the source: "Just wondering how things are going between you and your friends. How are people getting along? Have you noticed how quickly kids can be mean to one other?"

Prepare children for the unpredictability of friendship. One of the most devastating aspects of relational aggression is how suddenly it can strike. The targeted child experiences it as "coming out of nowhere" since the person who delivers it typically behaves like a close friend and confidante, not a mean boy. Explain how attitudes and behaviors change as children develop. "It's important to understand that some friendships that feel good and strong today won't always feel that way. Friendships change as you get older and sometimes you need to find ways to deal with the changes you see in others."

Coach children in ways to be assertive and savvy when responding to relational aggression. Targeted kids often respond in either a fight or flight pattern, thereby deepening the damage to friendships. Emphasize the need to respond quickly and stand their ground without escalating the hostility. Suggest that they use words that mirror how the aggressor sounds, especially in the presence of mutual friends. "Your words make you look bad to the rest of us - the way you turned on me like never before- who's going to be next?" captures the essence of being bold but not brutish.

Educate them about likely themes triggering these behaviors. A pecking order of power and submission is a frequent backdrop to other issues. For example, one boy who distinguishes himself in positive ways, but who isn't a "top dog," may find himself targeted by those who wish to "unseat" him or verbally diminish his success. Likewise, the top dog's need to dominate can manifest itself in arbitrary rule-making and vicious tricks, while "underdogs" provide silent, tacit support. This drama is then placed on pause if parents are around, preserving the impression that all is well between friends. Yet, oftentimes these behaviors pass as quickly as they appear. Suggest they try and "hang in there' until then.

APA Reference
Richfield, S. (2022, January 11). Help Your Son Deal with Mean Boys, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/the-parent-coach/how-to-help-your-son-deal-with-mean-boys

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

Lying Children: How to Help Children Who Lie

Steven Richfield

Lying children, children who are habitual liars, present a problem for parents. Parenting tips to teach children who lie about telling the truth.

Parents write: What advice do you have for parents with children who lie? Our children have become habitual liars who are far too proficient in this habit and we worry where this will lead them.

Damage Caused By Lying Children (Habitual Liars)

Children who habitually lie to their parents and other people leave a trail of doubt and distrust in their lives. Relationships suffer the greatest toll while the damage to their reputation, achievement levels, and self-esteem are also placed in jeopardy. Parents become ardent interrogators and friends look with wary suspicion upon the child's statements. The longer this self-defeating pattern persists the greater the likelihood that adulthood will be littered with betrayal and deceit.

Parenting Help for Children Who Lie

Parents may unwittingly make the problem worse by coming down too hard on the deceitful child. Rather than do so, consider the following coaching tips:

Approach your child with caring concern rather than antagonistic accusation. Children who lie will not lay down their defensive deceit under a barrage of angry confrontations. They must feel safe to accept they have a serious problem with dishonesty. This means that parents must not explode with rage when the child admits to having told a lie. Consider this response: "I'm relieved to hear you admit the truth, but still very concerned that this problem with dishonesty continues. Are you willing to have a serious conversation about what might be fueling these patterns?"

Recognize the child lies to themselves about the source of the problem. Don't expect any revelations from the child since they are often lacking insight into their behavior. One of the ways the problem perpetuates itself is through the use of rationalization, whereby the child justifies their behavior because of the feared consequences of telling the truth. Suggest to them that this view is a self-serving shell that keeps it going but doesn't explain how it started in the first place.

Be prepared to offer specific sources of the problem. The child may be more receptive if parents suggest that they have become trapped within a pattern that distorts or hides the truth. Explain how many paths lead people to this pattern and that stopping it requires finding the reasons it started. "Sometimes kids start lying because they want to impress others. Other times the pattern begins because they don't want to ever be wrong or because they are feeling jealous or angry about certain things in their life," is one way to pursue this discussion. If they do open up, listen intently and without judgment.

Empathize with their shame and suggest specific strategies to combat the problem. "You must feel really bad about this at times, but I have good news: you can outgrow it," may help them be receptive to your ideas. Suggest the two of you sit down and write a "List of Lies" as a cathartic cleansing of the problem. This is a numbered account of all the times they can remember lying. Encourage them to practice telling a truthful account of a difficult situation where they failed to deal well with a challenge. See if they can bring this up with another trusted adult as a way of clearing the path for greater truth in their life.

See Also:

Childhood ADHD and Lying: Be Careful What You Punish

APA Reference
Richfield, S. (2022, January 11). Lying Children: How to Help Children Who Lie, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/the-parent-coach/lying-children-how-to-help-children-who-lie

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Causes of Bullying, Bullying Behavior in Bullying Child

Steven Richfield

Are parents to blame for creating a bullying child and planting seeds of bullying behaviors? Learn about the causes of bullying.

A parent writes: It seems to me that kids are bullying and taunting more these days than I remember when I was young. Why is that? Is there something that parents are overlooking that is planting the seeds for this widespread problem?

Causes of Bullying

The roots of bullying behaviors dig deep into the fabric of our culture, setting the stage for a host of responses our children learn from an early age. Intolerance and discrimination are two long-standing cultivators of bullying, especially when kids are confronted by obvious social or racial differences between themselves and others. When these distinctions lessen, as in many suburban communities, some children refer to other areas to polarize and foster antagonism. Areas such as athletics, academics, appearance, popularity, habits, attire and a myriad of others become the grist for the "judgment mill" that quickly separates the "haves" from the "have-nots." Certain kids call attention to these distinctions and reinforce them by inflicting pain upon those whom they deem lacking.

Bullying Behavior Linked to Social Intolerance, Low Self-Worth

Parents may mistakenly believe that their child is not prone to such social intolerance. This is because many pathways to bullying behavior fall outside of parental awareness even though they are apparent every day at home:

Intense sibling conflict leaves children ripe for enacting similar social conflicts. The callous and mean-spirited bullying behaviors fueled by negative feelings towards one's sibling(s) seeks expression within the peer group. This bullying pathway typically takes the form of an intense, yet groundless, dislike for another child. It appears as if the bullying child "needs" an enemy to despise and look down upon as if trying to discharge pent up feelings and "even" some kind of score. Parents with children embroiled in hostile rivalries are urged to closely examine how much negativity is being repeated in their kids' peer relationships. Carefully listening to how your children talk about their peers is one way to determine if rivalry has sown the seeds for bullying.

Feelings of low self-worth, anger, and sadness create a combustible combination when confronted by the presence of happy, well-adjusted peers. Imagine the raw frustration when angry and unhappy kids must endure the daily happiness of their peers. Bullies emerge with a "misery loves company" agenda, capitalizing upon random opportunities to deflate a popular kid, further humiliate an unpopular one, or taunt a committed teacher. Children who follow this path to bullying behaviors are often critical and moody, fixated upon what is wrong with people and events around them. If your child fits this description it behooves you to offer them a nonjudgmental ear and understanding voice. Gently ask if their unhappiness ever makes them want to hurt others. Suggest that this is understandable, yet not acceptable. Brainstorm ways to help them feel better quickly.

Exposure to judgmental, narrow-minded views breeds judgmental, narrow-minded attitudes. Some parents overlook how their own biases and other "perceptual filters" are absorbed by their children. Just because children may not always "listen" to our requests and instructions doesn't mean they aren't intently listening to our views of other kids, parents, teachers, neighbors, and so on. These views may then be adapted to a more extreme degree since kids often don't understand the context within which they are expressed.

Signs of this bullying pathway surface in the form of sarcastic and inappropriate comments that sound more like an adult's inner thoughts than a child's perceptions. Other adults and children may be especially struck by the "adult nature" of the child's statements and quietly suspect that these views have been heard at home. If this circumstance exists at home it is critical to discuss it in an open and nondefensive manner, taking responsibility for unfortunate "social programming" that has already aired. Try to do a better job at shielding children from bias and innuendo, and someday they will appreciate the freedom to accept others as they are, not as parents measure them.

See Also:

APA Reference
Richfield, S. (2022, January 11). Causes of Bullying, Bullying Behavior in Bullying Child, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/the-parent-coach/causes-of-bullying-bullying-behavior-in-bullying-child

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

Teen Emotions: 3 Ways for Parents to Deal with Them

Steven Richfield

A teen's emotions feel like a rollercoaster. Here are 3 parenting rules for peacefully dealing with teen emotions.

A parent writes: "We've had it with our middle school son. It seemed like he changed when he turned twelve. It's been downhill since then. Arguments, moodiness, over-reactions, you name it, he's got it. But the rest of us don't want it! Is this just a phase or are we destined to share our home with Hagar The Horrible?"

Teen Emotions Can Wreak Havoc in the Family

The middle school years can be some of the most challenging for parent-child relationships. This transitional period between childhood and adolescence is distinguished by a child's high emotional intensity and low coping capacity, a recipe for increased family conflict. One father once remarked, "I feel like there's a stretch of land mines throughout our home when my son is around. Anything can set him off." These circumstances are attributable to increased biological, psychological, social, and academic forces impinging upon an unprepared and relatively immature psyche. In other words, they feel very out of whack.

Parents may be just as unprepared for all the teen emotional turbulence. Some of us have trouble with the notion that our children are getting older, but they are behaving like they are getting younger. And while all this is happening, they expect us to agree to their unrealistic requests, grant more and more freedom, and listen to their viewpoints, no matter how loudly they are offered. Talk about a tall order for parents!

3 Parenting Rules for Dealing With Teen Emotions

Even against this backdrop, we can help lower the family emotional output, even with a middle schooler at home. Here are a few ways to start:

Calmness counts. As tempting as it is to return your child's verbal swordplay with a lashing of your own, don't. This just escalates the conflict and closes the door to any productive discussion. Demonstrate that you can disagree with him/her without becoming too disagreeable. If you find yourself in one of those arguments that often leads to a "war of words," point out that disagreements don't have to lead the two of you down that road. Emphasize that it's much easier to respect their rights and opinions when they are presented in a responsible manner.

Be vigilant. Some discussions lead to dead-ends. In our zeal to communicate with our emotional teens, it's easy for us to fall into the trap of persuading, preaching, or lecturing. If your child introduces an important topic, be careful not to inject your own views too quickly, or you will just as quickly be branded as narrow-minded. Give them plenty of freedom to verbally experiment with expressing different ideas. They also might be testing your reactions as they bounce different views off your ears. Don't allow yourself to be governed by the fear that if you don't tell them about the evils of so and so, you might never get another chance. If you're not sure what to say, it's better to offer an open-ended comment such as, "I need time to think that over."

Acknowledge your teen's emotions rather than take sides. It can be very isolating to live in the "middle school mind," especially after a problem situation. Retreating and blaming are ways they try to cope with the problems their behavior creates for others. Both responses divide them from us. Often this includes a perception of parents as the "bad guys" in life, withholding pleasure and fairness. If we try too much to debate right vs. wrong, it doesn't bring us any closer together. It only reinforces their view of us as "on the other side." Instead of debating or reviewing a problem situation, let them know you feel bad when they feel bad. Suggest a compromise between their request and your rules. Try to steer away from concentrating on the facts of what happened if it's only going to lead to a verbal impasse. Offer a distraction that you both can do together, i.e, take a walk, listen to music, or play a game. And be flexible when they dig their heels in.

APA Reference
Richfield, S. (2022, January 11). Teen Emotions: 3 Ways for Parents to Deal with Them, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/the-parent-coach/raising-teenagers-dealing-with-teen-emotions

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Coping with Suicide

Discover the reasons why some people commit suicide. (Did you know that sometimes suicide is an accident?) And what happens to the loved ones left behind?

Suicide is the taking of one's own life. There are, of course, many reasons one might commit suicide including: due to a clinical depression, as a result of drug or alcohol abuse or misuse; experiencing a life disappointment or frustration, to "get back" at someone perceived as causing harm; or an inability to cope with disease, loneliness or pain. There are many other individual experiences that might lead one to attempt suicide, some of which are not easily understood by others.

In clinical practice, we try to separate the reasons for one's suicidal activity and the attempt itself - that is, does the person really want to die, or are they engaging in the behavior for other reasons. If the desire to die is not the reason, the behaviors are called "gestures," but sometimes even these "gestures" can accidentally result in death (actual suicide).

Sometimes suicide is an accident. The person is actually trying to "show others" how frustrated or upset they are, or being frustrated, they take medicines or engage in activities not meant to result in death, but that do so anyway (eg, scratching one's wrist but cutting too deeply, or taking medications to get someone's attention, but accidentally taking an overdose).

Suicidal Thinking Should Never Be Taken Lightly

Suicidal thinking or behaviors should always be taken seriously. One of the surest indicators of possible present or future suicide is a history of suicidal thinking or activity in the past.

Coping with suicidal activity or thinking, or suicide itself is always difficult. Even with suicidal "gestures," the thinking that results in those behaviors may be important to understand and treat.

Surviving the Suicide (Suicide Attempt) of a Loved One

For survivors of a loved one's suicide, understanding the causes and learning to cope with the activity can be very difficult. Death caused by any means can be difficult to survive, with feelings of loss, frustration, depression, and even anger being common emotions experienced by survivors. But suicide adds even more difficulty, with survivors wondering if they could have recognized the symptoms leading up to the event. Many survivors experience shame, in addition to the guilt of not stopping the action. Others experience anger, frustration in addition to the sense of loss.

It is also important to realize that when parents suicide, it is more likely that children will ultimately suicide as well. And suicide is a behavior that frequently lives forever in the history of a family. The fact that "uncle so-and-so killed himself years ago" is a fact that is often remembered or mentioned throughout one's life. I explain to my patients that suicide is not a legacy one wants to burden their family with.

You can find comprehensive information on suicide, along with suicide hotline phone numbers here.

APA Reference
(2022, January 11). Coping with Suicide, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/about-hptv/croft-blog/coping-with-suicide

Last Updated: January 16, 2022
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