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There was a time that I felt I needed to avoid anything that caused anxiety. Whether it was a long-term trigger or something that was making me feel uncomfortable at the moment, I felt that I needed to avoid the situation to keep from experiencing any unpleasant feelings as a result of anxiety.
I am one of the many people who consider their first love a life-changing chapter of their lives. Unfortunately, betrayal marred my first love, and the resulting trauma made it hard for me to move on.
It's harder than it's ever been to be an individual. This week, I've been thinking a lot about The Fountainhead, a novel by Ayn Rand, the Russian-born American writer and thinker who's been largely slimed by 21st century progressives for her conservative political philosophy. The Fountainhead, however, deals not with politics but with self-hood. The story follows Howard Roark, an idiosyncratic architect who refuses to bend to the popular principles of his field. Time and time again, Roark is threatened with the end of his career if he doesn't bow to the preferences of the masses, and time and time again, he refuses to give in. Eventually, he comes out on top. The novel is, of course, fictional; reality might not have delivered success to Mr. Roark.
During my childhood, my dad was one of my best friends. So Father's Day was a very exciting time. But after my father died, I dreaded the holiday. Over the years, I have learned to cope with grief through writing. This Father's Day, I want to share some writing prompts that have helped me to remember my father's special place in my life. This post contains six of my writing prompts.
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. While it can help you achieve greater things in your personal and professional life, it can also lead to a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and low self-esteem. Perfectionists tie their self-worth to their achievements, and if things don't go to plan, they start feeling like they are failures which can destroy their confidence and even self-worth/ image.
For me, psychosis involves auditory hallucinations (hearing voices and sounds) and is the most dangerous part of my illness. The last time I went to the emergency room for symptoms of psychosis, the doctor asked me if I heard voices, and when I answered that I was, he asked an important question, "Do you do what the voices tell you to do?" And unfortunately, my answer was yes. If you can't immediately see the danger in this scenario, try to think of it this way, imagine taking orders from something that is not real. It's alarming. Schizophrenia, voices, combined with suicidal ideation, is even more alarming.
My eating disorder relies on selective memory in order to maintain a stringent foothold in my life. Selective memories are enticing and compelling. They can also be quite dangerous. In fact, as I have come to realize, the presence of selective memory is often the difference between making continual strides in recovery or free-falling back into a cycle of relapse. What do I mean by this, and how am I learning to combat selective memory in my eating disorder? Let me explain.
In the 15 or so years that I've lived with depression, I’ve built a metaphorical toolbox of techniques and relationships that help me keep the darkness at bay. Two of these depression coping tools are my dogs. Here’s how bundles of fur and slobber, known as dogs, help me cope with depression.
If you're a single person with bipolar disorder, surviving can be hard. Last time I outlined why this is in a piece about being alone with bipolar disorder, but this time, I'm focusing on successfully dealing with being a single person with bipolar disorder.
I’m Sammi Caramela, and I’m excited to join HealthyPlace as the new author of "Trauma! A PTSD Blog." I’ve lived most of my life in survival mode, but it wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I realized I was suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from early childhood trauma. Learning why I was suffering was crucial to healing from the extreme anxiety and depression I coped with on a regular basis.
I am on medication that is verrrry slowly being ramped up to increase seratonin levels and I speak with a therapist. I just want to sleep all day to escape. I have zero motivation to do anything except the minimum to get me through daily life.
I'm at the end of my rope as well guys and gals.
Johnny
Fast forward to the latest hospitalization. He was delusional and back on the "government entity after him", various delusions about fbi after him or whatever the delusional flavor of the day is, he became mixed catatonic. Everyone around him notices. He was working at a casino (#4 job he was fired from before but people keep giving him 2nd/3rd chances-bless him as people do truly like him and he's a sweet guy when hes on meds) his boss called me and said something was up bc he wasn't showing up for work. So, i went to his apt and he would not answer the door, his landlord said "hes back to acting strange" so did his neighbor say this. These people also really like him. Hes very likeable, Except when off meds.
After a week or so of no answering the door I called in a wellness check. This went on for another week, cops going over and knocking and him not answering. I then went to the court and filed a petition for him to go into the hospital again. This is where now it gets sticky...this took another over a week to get the police to go into his home and take him in (with another amended court order and a landlord with the key to let them in).
At the hospital he punched a security after he was put in a gown with nothing under it. He took off running out of the hospital and ended up in the parking lot totally naked. His gown fell off during the fighting off the security guard. This hospital KNOWS he escapes. He's never gotten physical though. ughhh. But come on, I've warned them relentlessly that we need to put safeguards in place and it falls on deaf ears UNTIL, you know something happens.
He was sent to a hospital two hours away where he spent close to a month and was stabilized on HEAVY meds (Haldol, Clozari-for the delusions/hallucinationsl, Valium also for a bit bc of the catatonia).
Today marks the two month mark since that episode and yesterday we go a notice for him to appear in court. He's been charged with assault, indecent exposure for running out into the parking lot naked, and disturbing the peace.
In my mind, I'm thinking "whew" this couldve been worse. Thank GOD it wasn't worse. Because you see, I live with family secrets....there are others in the family that have this evil disease and the outcome has ranged from suicide to prison for murder. I am SO sick of this disease. My son doesn't know about the worst family members who have had this....fortunately i've been able to keep those out of the equation here, but in our case there's something vastly messed up in the gene pool. I have been dealing with it since my first memory at 6 yrs old (Mommy Dearest with her photographic memory, Munchausens, S, and High IQ-smart as a whip and got so good at hiding her dirty deeds, she was able to severely hurt people and never be held accountable even after countless State Hospital stays). I'm now 52 and I'm wondering how I was dealt such a nightmarish hand. Never thought my youngest son would get this horrific disease.
I have the utmost empathy for anyone dealing with this. IT IS A NIGHTMARE I AM TIRED OF LIVING TO SEE. It drove me right down into the ground with alcohol BC NO ONE WOULD EVER HELP. At least now, with him there is much better help than with my mother or other fam members I've long since walked away from. I do feel blessed simply bc I myself have been sober for years and got away from the ones I could no longer take abuse from. I could not begin to imagine what it would be like trying to help my son while still using alcohol. Yes, being around it growing up I learned quite young, wrongfully so, that alcohol could ease the pain, unaware that it would make things worse in the end.
Right now I'm just praying these misdemeanors will be all that happens, but yah right....there will be more hospitalizations, more issues with son along the way, I'm just praying all it will be is hospitalizations and helping him through whatever he goes through, mild issues, you know? Sad when mild for me is misdemeanors, court appearances, help with bills, emotional support, daily stuff, making him shower, get outside, yada. The never ending days of missed work....long ago I learned to deal I'd have to be self employed, my own boss so I could be super flexible to deal with whatever is dealt.
Now I'm seeing signs with a gdaughter. UGH. How long can I keep dealing....
Tonight I sent him back to his own apartment. He lives 5 miles from me and is allowed to drive and has his own vehicle. He was over going down the rabbit hole on his misdemeanors. Probably by tomorrow it'll be a full on melt down equipped with many delusions on how the FBI is setting him up, ughhhghghgh. I told him go home, I'm not taking that trip with him.
At some point I have to focus on keeping my life moving in a healthy direction. If I'm not healthy I am of no value to him. Period. Today, I set boundaries with fam. I don't mind helping, but not at the cost of my own financial, mental, emotional health.
For now bc he has been court ordered to take his meds and his shot every month (Haldol and Clozaril), he's somewhat coherent and orderly even if he's on a rabbit hole dive at the moment. I'm hopeful and have faith that on his own, at his own place he will work it out (or not). I am going to relax tonight....at least for one night. I've learned that yes I can be there, but I need breaks. And I'm not afraid to send them packing for a few until I recharge.
Good luck everyone. We aren't perfect, we also need rest, and we can only do what we can do.