Forgiving Yourself for Embarrassing Drunken Behavior
Forgiving yourself for embarrassing drunken behavior can be tough. Being drunk is one of the most common reasons behind people embarrassing themselves or being stupid. It’s pretty safe to assume that if you have been drunk, you have embarrassed yourself in some small, minor way. And if you’re an alcoholic, you might have some pretty epic stories of nights that ended in a major embarrassment to you or someone else. In some instances, those stories are laughable and can be shaken off or simply shared in jest. In other situations, these are the ghost and horror stories of our drinking days: embarrassing drunken nights never to be admitted or acknowledged in any way because the shame and embarrassment was too great. Embarrassing drunken stories that fueled me to drink more. If I drank more, it would be easy to forget my shame. It took me a long time to forgive myself for my embarrassing drunken behavior.
Now, as a sober, recovering alcoholic, I don’t have that escape anymore. I still have embarrassing moments and I still remember the most awful nights of my drinking days, but I deal with them differently. This is what I do.
Feeling Embarrassed from Your Drunken Behavior? Let Yourself Swear
If my mind is wandering while walking to my car and I remember a particularly embarrassing drunken moment, I will spontaneously start swearing under my breath. To someone walking next to me, it might be a bit alarming, but for me, it’s an instinctive action that actually makes me feel a little better. Swearing is actually good for you, as proven by a study in the United Kingdom, and helps relieve stress. You can release negative emotions and release emotional pain through swearing, so don’t resist it.
Forgive Yourself for Embarrassing Drunk Behavior by Recognizing Your Shame
Much like with addiction recovery, acknowledging your shame is the first part of accepting and recovering from it. A totally normal human emotion, shame, must be dealt with in order to learn, grow, and move forward from a haunting past.
Don’t Try to Rationalize Embarrassing Drunken Behavior
Alcoholism is not rational. If it were, there would not be so many unanswered questions about the disease of addiction. Therefore, trying to justify or explain your drunken antics is a lost cause. Especially because when active in an addiction, people often behave in ways that do not align with their own moral code. So if you’re dealing with shame, chances are you already know what you did was bad or embarrassing and no level of rational thought will make that go away.
Remember People You Have Forgiven
When all else fails, remember that at some point in your life, someone else had to ask you for forgiveness. How or why did you forgive them?
The highest form of love is forgiveness. The greater the offense, the more love is required to forgive that person. Double the amount of love required when you are forgiving yourself. This may be difficult to do, especially in early sobriety when self-loathing is usually at its peak. If you aren’t able to quickly identify five things you love about yourself, you need to adopt some daily practices to boost our self-esteem.
Shame and embarrassment are good reminders of how our alcoholism shaped our behavior, and not in a good way. But like everything, they are only good in moderation: too much shame hinders us and prevents us from living life fully. Work through the embarrassment to forgive yourself. Only then will the shame of your drunken past begin to fade to a memory devoid of pain.
Creative Commons photo attribution to mloberg.
Doyle, B. (2015, July 2). Forgiving Yourself for Embarrassing Drunken Behavior, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, October 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/debunkingaddiction/2015/07/forgiving-yourself-for-embarrassing-drunken-behavior
Author: Becky Doyle
i’m embarrassed. and need to get this out. last night i went out for a celebration and got a jumbo marg at dinner. i was completely fine when we left and started to feel it while someone drove us to the second location. my friend ordered a drink at the second location and i had some. then suddenly i wasn’t fine. i don’t remember paying, getting in the car, being driven home, or getting back in to my apartment. and i hate that so much. then the worst thing happened. i wet the bed. thankfully i live alone and not a soul knows this about me. i plan on taking it to the grave. i’m so embarrassed and no one even knows but i’m my worst critic. last night has me thinking of giving up alcohol. i don’t drink often and i’ve only ever been drunk maybe six times bc i have a fear of losing control (hence why i’m so SO ashamed of this incident). i haven’t cried about it but i feel like i need to. blacking out from drinking is the scariest thing for me and i don’t know what to do.
Hey y’all I’m on here this afternoon to share my story because I made a mistake about a year and a half ago that messes my mood up every time I think about it. It was my freshman year of college and I met this guy, I started liking him quick since we started hanging out and about 2 months down the road I asked if he had any alcohol cause he was of age so I knew he had something. He let me come over and get some Hennessy he had and it was one of those flask like bottles. He told me I could stay for a little bit but not over night cause he had work early in the morning. Well I thought to myself why not get too drunk so I don’t have to leave... lol. Mind y’all I’ve never been a drinker and I’ve never been drunk drunk before. I ended up drinking the whole flask in about 45 minutes to an hour and even before I did that he asked me if I’d wanna stop and save the rest for another night and I said no so he just let me do what I want. Long story short I came up to him wanting to kiss him and stuff and everything was fine until my head eventually fell over (as he told me) and he knew I was too drunk to do anything so he stopped out of respect. The alcohol started to hit me hard and I eventually couldn’t walk (could barely even get on my hands and knees). I told him I needed to use the bathroom but mind you he stayed in a dorm still and the bathroom was outside his room so he said he wouldn’t let me go till I could show him I could walk by myself cause he didn’t want someone to see me in that state. I really had to go and he didn’t wanna help me so I said “fine then I’m just gonna piss myself” and so I did on his floor.... and eventually fell to the floor (I felt paralyzed), started throwing up, and then began shaking cause I started to feel so cold. I felt so scared and I remember telling him that. I literally couldn’t control myself at that point and he had me crawl over to him so he could clean the throw up out of my hair for me. He changed me into some night clothes and put me into bed (he had an extra bed in his room cause it was for 2 people but it was an old dorm so everyone go their own room). When I woke up I didn’t remember much of what had happened and he gave me a cup of water and some bread before he left for work. I asked him what happened last night and he said he’d just tell me later (cause it was embarrassing obviously) but I insisted on in telling me and he told me what happened but then he also told me I asked him if he was going to rape me... I don’t remember saying that at all but I felt like the worst person ever cause I’d been messing around with him prior to this and I’ve never thought about him in that way. But I guess since I felt paralyzed and being raped is one of my biggest fears that’s why I said it to him. I kept saying sorry to him and he said it’s okay but I knew it wasn’t. He just told me to stop saying sorry cause it’s not gonna change anything (not in a mean way) and that he wasn’t mad. I’m thankful that out of all people it happened in front of him cause he’s a genuine guy but since then every time I see him in person or on social media I feel nervous, embarrassed, and stupid. I see what I did that night when I look at him. He’d usually has to say hi to me first cause I feel like I shouldn’t even say hi. I hung out with him like 1 or 2 more times after all that happened so he def forgave me but I still feel so bad knowing I did that in front of him cause he was actually a good dude and I tend to put people on a pedestal. I can’t say I feel fully better about it even a year and a half later and even now that he has graduated (So I don’t have to see him all the time) I feel bad and this whole thing has stopped me from wanting to let another guy in cause I’m afraid of doing something stupid again. Idk how to forgive myself.
I asked a guy to hangout I used to work with and ended up hanging out and having some drinks. Didn’t eat anything that day and got completely wasted and don’t remember anything after. My girlfriend had come to see me and saw I was wasted this day with her boyfriend and his co worker. I fell on my butt in front of all of them and then did more embarrassing things throughout the night I don’t remember. Don’t even know how to recover from this. At all. Been two days and I still can’t stop thinking about it and the stupid decisions I made.
I embarrassed myself once again last week Saturday and I can’t stop thinking about it. I was drinking wine with my friend and I lost control (again for the 100th time). I went to knock at a guy I used to have a thing with door, we live in the same building because we’re in college. I knocked so loud that everyone on his floor came out, and then when I entered his room I just started throwing up. I then left and when to knock on another person’s door but I don’t remember what happened after that. I hate myself so much that I don’t ever want to show my face to anyone . I am so embarrassed and the bad thing is that I always embarrass myself.
I have a problem with alcohol and drugs and carried a TV out of my house trying to sell it I'm so embarrassed I don't want to show my face in my neighborhood I live in apartment complex.Im going to get help tomorrow I'll do good for a few months then mess up.I pray it works this time you'll get through
I am sorry you have gone through this , and I understand the feeling of always embarrassing yourself all too well...
I myself developed a really bad drinking problem throughout my teen years and into my early adult years. Around 2018 I had a complete life crisis and was drinking basically every day and going out to clubs every weekend , which resulted in many drunken embarrassing moments as well as being victim of sexual assault and harassment many times as well, many times which I can’t even remember fully.
I have walked with my dress up to my belly button, fallen all over crowded clubs and streets.
Talked to people and grabbed them to dance without their consent
And many more countless things which still haunt me to this day and we’re almost in 2021.. and I have been clean for almost two years.
If you end up reading this one day; just know there’s always someone that knows what you feel :)
Or worse, you’re not alone and we make mistakes hopefully in time we find a way to forgive ourselves!
Reading all these stories makes me feel so much less alone. I have had issues with over drinking since early teen years. I've been good recently since I know better than to go out but the other night I was so excited and of course over did it. It was with some coworkers and their friends. First we went to a bar and I had 3 beers and that was fine, however upon leaving my old supervisor asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friend afterwards. I have brief snippets of the night but I know we were sitting in his friends apartment drinking whiskey and I was talking passionately about whatever the subject was. I have anxiety and I always assume I was messy and incoherent and exposed too many personal experiences of mine but am too anxious to ask. I have felt many times like this in my life and work really hard to tell myself that in one month or two or three it won't matter but I find a few days after a drunken embarrassing night I actually speak "I hate myself" aloud. It's such a sick cycle because I know that drinking puts myself into these situations but I still tell myself I enjoy drinking.
I’ve been laying awake for two nights now just reliving the parts of last Saturday that I do remember, and immensely cringing at everything others told me about my behaviour. I moved out of a big city that I had lived in for 5 years (where my worst moments and worst addictive behaviours took place) and was finally doing better for myself in this new city. I got invited to a friends birthday back in the city that I hadn’t been to since I had moved. I debated going because I knew there would be a chance that I would see destructive people who I hung around in the darker times of my life, but convinced myself that I had grown past them effecting me in any way. WRONG. The party started out fine and I was handling my alcohol well. Unfortunately this all changed when a group of people, some of which I had prepared myself to see, and some of which not walked in. An ex of mine who I am still hung up on unfortunately walked in with the women he started seeing immediately after me. The last time I was in a situation similar to this I threw a drink at him in a bar and accused him of being a terrible person (as there was overlap between myself and her) . I was a complete disaster the last time I saw either of them face to face so even though I was shocked and upset to see them yet again I tried to convince myself that this had to be my redemption moment to show that I had truly changed. However, in true addict fashion I turned to drinking. Heavily. And before I knew it everything went black. I woke up remembering zero of it with a pounding headache but was informed that I made a huge scene, threw up 3 times, and cried very publicly. On top of that I fell a bunch of times and had terribly embarrassing conversation with about every guest there. It feels like I’m back to square one and the same person I was years ago. I’ve been trying to forgive myself but I’m so humiliated by my actions. I just needed to get this off my chest because I’m tired of ruminating alone with it. Thanks for anyone who took the time to read, I feel less alone.
Jade, you are not alone two nights ago I acted and did something very similar and I can relate.
I lived in the same city practically my entire life and then moved to a new city in a different State a few years ago.
A new beginning right ?
I thought I had left all my baggage behind.
Moved to the new city sober quit drinking and refrained from drinking all alcohol. (Until I didn’t) I can say I don’t typically drink liquor (from past experiences) if i go to dinner I can have a few beers eat get a nice buzz and go home just fine, the stress from the day melts away I go home and sleep, no harm done.
I am a regular at most places in town have dinner and go home
Well the other night I went out to dinner and for some reason I decided to have a martini then two three, four, Or more, I was over served
next thing I know everyone on the outside patio is sitting with me and we were having ourselves a party with people I had just met.
As the night continued on we were all taking pictures and I was fine. (Then I wasn’t)
Why was I hanging out with strangers ?
I was stumbling, couldn’t sit up, walk, like you I fell a couple of times upon making it home in a cab getting out of the cab and getting into my apartment. (Barely)
I’ve never been so embarrassed, ashamed in all my life I live in a small town the people at the restaurant know me since I go in often
and I’m so frightened I’m gonna see someone I saw that night in the grocery store or somewhere else in town. (And I’ve never been more embarrassed)
What’s worse is the Restraunt bar manager had to get me a cab home because I couldn’t even get into my phone to order it myself and there wasn’t any in the area at that time
Yes I made it home safely but I feel like I lost control for some reason that night, and I put my safety at risk and it was such a foolish thing to do I just can’t shake the worry and anxiety I’m now feeling and the horrible feelings I’ve since felt since that night.
I barely made it up to the many stairs into my house and sat at the bottom of the stairs and laid on the ground, until I later got up to get into the house maybe an hour later! (Who does that?)
I’ve not done anything like this before if so not in years. And it’s like I know better!!!!!!
Then to be so foolish and make such an ignorant mistake
What was I thinking ?
I’m not sure why I kept drinking? There was no off switch in my brain signaling to tell me to stop I drank so fast and the drinks were so strong that by the time i had the 4th one I’m not sure how I must have looked? Thing was I had a video and photos of how I looked so I did see myself and I’ve never seen myself look so bad. I wish I could erase this image from my mind or the entire day from my consciousness all together.
I couldn’t hold my head up and I had taken my pony tail out and my hair was everywhere. 😣
What scares me is what if something could have happened to me ?
Or someone could have turned me in for public intoxication which is a crime
I did hurt my arm pretty badly from breaking my fall and I fell on my bum which is a continuous reminder of my stupidity.
I think we all do things we are not proud of especially while drinking but I don’t think I had almost ever been this drunk in my life.
I have the worst anxiety even leaving my apartment now because I feel like someone probably saw me stumbling around Outside my house which is humiliating!
My Stomache Has been in knots since this happened and I’m just mortified at my behavior!
Honey - you are okay. You are a human being that had too much fun one night. You don't live like this is your lifestyle. You had one rough night. So have every single one of those townsfolk you are referring to. Some of them don't even have to overdrink to be immature, stupid and jackasses sometimes, I guarantee it. Don't torture yourself like this. If it really upsets you that you behaved like that, remember this next time you consume and switch from martinis which are like 100% alcohol and ask for a 4% white claw in a fancy glass with a lemon wedge and you can have fun guilt free with a slight buzz after 3 or 4 as opposed to the 3 or 4 martinis. You're a good person - that is what people will think when they see you and if they are good people too they will probably giggle with you about it. Nobody cares about the things we do nearly to the degree that it bothers us - its probably a nonissue in their self centered lives. I said some really stupid things last night when I was drunk with my girlfriends about another friend of ours bc deep down I am a bit hurt by her and it bubbled over...and then I fell off my chair. It tells me that I need to confront my friend kindly so that it doesn't get broadcasted to people not involved. But, I have seen these girlfriends do 10x worse like go home with strange men while completely incoherent, so to hold that over me would tell me that its time to find new friends.
Oh Jade, I am so sorry that this happened to you. Do not beat yourself up. You reacted how 99% of people would in that situation. You were in a traumatic surprise emotional ambush in a public forum and no way to really cope. Your real friends that were there and witnessed this will not judge you or run away - they will feel for you and realize that under very unnormal circumstances, you coped with it how you could at the time. A couple of drinks in caused you to react less rationally than you normally would, but everyone else there was guilty of alcohol consumption too. Ask any of them what their biggest fear is, biggest sadness, biggest anything walking in and clobbering them on the head and how they would handle it themselves. You are human, you deserve to have fun like everyone else, and you deserve pity instead of judgement in this scenario. Praying for your peace. Forgive yourself and put it away. You do not need to torture yourself for this my friend.
I totally relate- i went to a friend of a friends house to watch a football game and i have no memory of it. a guy there got me to do shots with him and i ended up going outside and doing things with him i have no memory of while everyone else (including two good friends of mine) were inside watching the game. it could have gone way worse, like getting raped or something, but i was in the right mind enough to ask my friend who drove me to leave. i ended up pouring a friend’s antidepressants out the car window and almost having to call an ambulance to see if i had taken any of them myself. the police were called to try and find the pills on the side of the road where i poured them out. this was so unlike me and i was in disbelief when i was told what i did. my sister had to come pick me up at 2am and i apparently screamed at her in anger. i was talking nonsense. my parents waited until i got home to see me with no pants on. i’ve been spending almost every hour since crying and feeling so shameful i can barely eat. i haven’t blacked out in 6 months because i broke my foot the last time. i don’t know why i let myself get to that point, but i use alcohol as a crutch for social anxiety. i feel so guilty for putting my friends through that and for all the stuff i don’t remember saying or doing. my friends i went with forgive me and were just worried, saying they weren’t mad at all, yet i’m furious with myself. thanks for making me feel less alone.
You haven't done anything that 100% of us grown ups haven't done at some point in our drinking lives. I get so sick and tired of sanctimonious assholes that will drink with you, but then judge you bc you had a different tolerance that evening for whatever reason. I find that when I stick with white claws that I don't have these same problems any more when going out bc its lower in alcohol and I still feel like I am participating. I also changed the people I was hanging out with that when a bad night does happen, they shrug, laugh, and move on from it bc they don't pretend that they have never embarrassed themselves. I mean, if people are going to go out and drink, what in the world do they think is probable to happen? Do they expect that out of x number of people that everyone is going to behave like a saint? Did you throw punches or have sex with someone's spouse? Then forgive yourself and learn to be your own best friend - would you dump any of these people from your life if the tables were turned? Probably not, so any of them that do that to you would do it eventually over a lesser offense any way.
I had a bad drunk night my second semester of college. I had gotten out of being in a strict household, and thought that blacking out at a frat party was a good idea. The next day I woke up and found out I was blacklisted, and on top of that I had apparently tried to kiss some of the guys, was being touchy, and borderline aggressive. I am so beyond ashamed of my actions, I know I am not the type of person to force myself on people, especially as a person who's dealt with these sort of actions towards me before. It's been a year, and I've lived every single day with just the thought of that night on my mind, even though I don't remember majority of it. I feel disgusting, depressed, and ashamed everyday, I would do anything to move on, but I feel like I failed myself and ruined my life. On a better note, I have learned self-control tremendously and barely drink unless it's with my parents or a very special occasion. If you have any advice for me, please let me know.
Please dont beat yourself up. Onwards and upwards.
I’m so glad I came across this today. I have been beating myself up all day on a stupid drunk night yesterday. Went out With some friends at a brewery. All I remember is drinking beer then everything went black..... I don’t remember ANYTHING! But my “friend” made sure to text me this morning and remind me of every foolish and embarrassing thing I did. I feel so ashamed and can’t. Sleep. Just keep replaying it all in my head and just so ashamed of my actions.
Ugh my neighbors had a get together and I mixed liquor, I don’t think I did anything too embarrassing, probably just talked way too much. I’m in a long distance relationship so of course as soon as I get back inside my apartment the first thing I do is call my boyfriend. I’m not sure what dumb ass thing I may have said while drunk but it triggered him into hanging up on me and ignoring every call I made to him after. Now I feel like crap because I’m not sure what I may have said to make him so upset but I do remember him saying “this is why I can’t be in a relationship”. I hope he can forgive me and I def will not be drinking again especially if it makes him this upset with me.
Ive struggled with alcohol for most of my life. There were times when I thought I had it under control, and times where I literally just wouldnt stop myself. Im currently sitting in bed with the shakes, my head foggy from last night.
Drunk me is a crier. All she does is cry. Ive had a long battle with my depression and self esteem. Sometimes i win, sometimes I lose. But drunk me ALWAYS loses.
I plowed through 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of Malibu last night. I ended up curled up on the floor, sobbing and desperately praying to Allah, Vishnu, and a whole array of Gods that I dont even believe in. I talked about dying, and scared the crap out of my boyfriend. I wasnt blackout drunk, but I was definitely not in control of myself. I rambled on about how he deserved more than to be with someone as lost as I am in life.
I recently miscarried, and after a year of being sober Ive crashed hard into drunken spirals again. All of my drunken endeavors over the last month have ended in tears, ranging anywhere from softly crying to complete hysterics.
I feel so embarassed. I know better than to handle my emotions this way. I hope he can forgive me, the conversations ive been initating while drunk are 10/10 not drunk conversations. Im struggling to cope with everything in my life, and I just feel like I'm blowing it with this guy. No one should have to carry the things that I put upon people after ive had a few drinks.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this! Addiction is such a scary beast, but please know, this is not your fault. Addictive behaviors can happen to anyone. I know just how difficult it is when you relapse after having a solid amount of sober time. The shame can eat you alive! Just know that you are not alone in this. Don't be too hard on yourself either. One day at a time. <3
Hang in there. Have you reached out for help? Have you gone to therapy to process your loss? I too have struggled with alcohol since childhood. After the birth of my son I lost it. Was on a bender and got physically violent. The cops were called. I got 5150d. Went to rehab and relapsed for the better part of a year. I’ve done such embarrassing shit. Screamed, raged, cried. Woke up with people I don’t know and in places I didn’t know in my youth. The amazing thing is that we’re still here!!! We gotta use the shame and embarrassment we feel to motivate us to do better. I never want to embarrass myself or my kid like I used to. I don’t want to be a crazy, violent, drunk mom. I’ve seen the devastation me and my illness has caused. I thank god I never seriously hurt someone or myself. You are so blessed to recognize you have a problem. You are blessed to know that you gotta shape up or you stand to lose something (yourself and your partner). The next step is harder. Now you have to do something about it. I’m telling you, you can. Some people have no insight to the things they do and the hurt they cause. You don’t seem like one of those people. Please get the help you deserve. You don’t have to hurt like this anymore.
I don’t want the label as a drunk who can’t control her drinking. And as much as I dont want that label. I don’t stop drinking even though I know it’s not just one drink or 2 drinks or 4 drinks nope I have to drink all the drinks until they are all gone.
Well tonight I did it I fucked up big time couldn’t drive myself home.
my friend with her 3 kids were at her sister and brother in laws house with there 3 kids. I showed up around 12pm. Brought a 15 pack with me my friend probably had 3 out of box I had the rest. Didn’t eat anything all day. Sitting out on their back porch, all the kids running around
friends brother in law Going over with his friend/ worker about what they are doing with their backyard (the friend is a guy who owns his own company who actually knows my husband Bc of my husband’s company ) while I felt the puke 🤢 coming up couldn’t more so I put my had over my mouth only to have puke go every where... everyone jumped into action trying to clean up my puke from their deck 😞
I made a huge ass of myself. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. This isn’t the first time I have ended up like this. How do I make this up to my friend and her sister and brother in law and their 6 kids wondering why I can’t walk and puking everywhere... I’m so embarrassed 😩 I didn’t even call my husband. My friend called him to tell him I drank once again to much to drive safely home.
And that I would be sleeping here with already to many people in the house. Why? Why? Do I always put myself in these predicaments????? Bc I have to quit drinking or nothing will ever change!!
Blacking out is very much a thing, for me now. Over the past 18-24months, 75% of my nights out have ended up with me having to have a carer, either to make sure I get home ok, to stop me from doing something stupid/regretful or hurting myself or someone else.
I’m actually a person who doesn’t need alcohol and when I decide to drive, don’t miss it, but when I’m out, I’m out out and I go hell for leather.
I used to be able to realise when I was getting to the point of too pissed, then I slow down or stop. That filter seems to have gone. I go from, ok to absolutely destroyed with no warning for me or anyone I’m with.
I’ve been described as being completely vacant, losing body ability, being nasty, being pushy with people and a being completely obnoxious.
After a night out, recently. I had repeated this pattern. Fine - screwed, no warning, no clue. Now, lucky for me I can’t actually remember what happened, what I did, but others can..... it was a work party, too.
I’m very lucky in that I have a small amount of friends that I can rely on, one of them was with me and she took me out of the situation, had stern words and took me to my door. I doubt there’s many people would do this when their night out had just been shat on.
After giving her a couple of days to cool off, I approached her and apologised for spoiling her night, she give me both barrels and told me everything, telling me I needed to hear it because I needed a shock.
I wasdevastated!! Gutted!! Embarrassed!! Horrified.
I was too much.
I was told that she had considered ending our friendship, that she loves everyday me but actually hates drunk me. She has said that she won’t go out with me again but we can get past it. I’m grateful for this but she also told me she’s concerned about my drinking because she can see it’s a problem. I agreed, there’s no way I could disagree. I’ve known for a while, I’ve somehow managed to keep this from my boyfriend, I think due to the fact this happens more often when I’m out with friends.
I had a drink in the house a few weeks back, (This is common, throughout the week too), I was being snappy and my boyfriend told me that my aggression is getting worse.
I often get comments like, “oh, had a drink have we??!” And there’s an ongoing joke at work about whose turn it is to look after me.
I am now anxious about how to get out of drinking, this most recent night out, my plan was to drive - I got talked into it because, it’s Christmas, you deserve a drink.
I think sobriety is the only option I have, other wise I’m going to lose friends. I’m not sure I have the respect I had, at work. This all because once I start I can’t stop.
Um hello this may not be too embarrassing but it feels like it Is because it's my first time blacking out from drinking and I did something I wish could be forgotten and not happen. I was talking on the phone loud about something sexual and I think people heard me. I threw up four times. Twice in the bar, once outside and once in the uber driver's car. I'm really antisocial so for that to happen makes me not wanna really go back to the bar or even go outside because even my anxiety is making me think that I got filmed outside and that would just honestly humiliate me so bad....idk what to do honestly.
We had a 4 day break away in Ireland my mum who has alzheimers and two sisters. I get on well with older one but not middle one. This trip was really difficult for me and hard. But on the last night we all went out with cousins and family I ended up getting drunk and humiliated my middle sister in front of the family. I was awful and said horrible things. Which I can't remember because I was so drunk.
My other older sister isn't talking to me. And the one I had ago at wished me dead and said I am not her sister.
I have sent message of an apology but nothing. I told her I am sorry and I hate myself for spoiling the break away. Still no response.
What shall I do?
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing something so personal. I know that isn't easy. I think in a situation like this, the best thing you can do is offer your family/sister time and space. Let her know that you are sorry and that you are ready and waiting whenever she wants to sit down and discuss things with you. Remember, we all make mistakes, no one is perfect. Give yourself some grace and compassion though, so many of us have been there. I know all of this is easier said than done, but I'm sure in time she will come around.
First off, thanks everyone for sharing! I too have had experiences I cannot explain when I am on alcohol. I went years wothout drinking like 4, only drinking like 3 times... Then I got with a man, and we would drink together... Things got so horrible it ended in divorce, he was a violent guy. So I got out of that relationship started to rebuild my life, ran into my love from when I was 19. We hit if off immediately. He was coming out of a bad relationship so, needless to say we started turning some of that bad previous behavior on eachother... We were drinking. Heavily, which caused me to make an ass of myself quite a few times, him too. I get so angry at him at times, between the alcohol and all the situations, the lying and the leaving, I have felt so alone. We make up and love eachother unconditionally, but there are times when I wonder if I would make better decisions alone.
There was a time in particular I cant get over, we went out with friends for a birthday, me and my man had to have that extra bottle of liquor, after that went to the local bar, had to pee so bad I went past the door lady, and went to pee when I came out they told me I needed to leave so I cussed them out, told the owner to suck my d**k... I dont even have a d**k.. I dont know why, it was so rude, this was a year ago. I went back a couple times, the bar maid said I needed to apologize to the owner, but she wouldnt let me in... I told her ok said her name, and told her I wouldn't be back to her establishment... Today I went in during the day, appologized to the owner, explaining I know it had been a year and I had a problem with drinking to much and I was very disrespectful and I wanted to apologize. He said you had acted similar to that a time or two before that incident and the situation with me coming in there was not going to change, I said I understand, I just wanted to right my wrong, then I left. I wish he could have forgiven me, leaving it like that does hurt a little, I have been going in there since I was a girl with my family, and also where I found my love. But I did what I could do to try to make it right. Now I have to try to make my life right, stay away from the alcohol, find the joy again, and see where my life is taking me. Alcohol has always been a problem for me, drinking too much its time for it to be a lesson and not a life sentence.
Hi, let me share my story too . I went to drink with my friends ( not reallyclose) to a bar . After awhile, I was totally drunk and my friends were telling me that I was away from them for nearly 10 mins and they are were saying tht I was lying down on the stairs and etc . I cannot believe that they let me go and have a walk after I was drunk . Guess what? When I was back home, my panty was missing. I’m really embarrassed. I really don’t know what happened. Can someone please advise me and make me feel better ? I am afraid that someone would have taken pics or videos of me
I would like to share something that I can’t get off my mind.
I went to my neighbors BBQ party on a Saturday evening, I was the youngest there,most of the people there were much older.I was drinking beers,chatting with people,everything was going great until a girl asked me if I wanted some gin( I agreed). I don’t exactly remember how much gin I had but it was enough for me to run to the toilet and throw up in the sink. I tried unclogging it but it was stuck.Because of my recklessness and drunken state I didn’t know what to do so I just left it. I normally don’t drink anymore because of my mental health but I made an exception there to be more chatty. I suffer from depression and anxiety so it’s impossible for me to feel comfortable around people.Long story short. I feel awfully guilty about what I’ve done. I’m really ashamed of my actions and I’m really sorry. I have locked myself in my room laying in a bed full of guilt and sorrow unable to cope with the outside world. I feel like it’s eating me from inside.I really hope you will read my apology,I’m sorry I couldn’t do it in person but believe me,writing it here feels like it(and also it’s impossible for me to tell you that in person). I hope you understand :(
I’m feeling the same, I’m so ashamed. i was nervous at at party yesterday and I lost control of how much I was drinking i dont even remember what i said or did, im scared it feels awful
I usually have anxiety after drinking heavily. Mostly it’s because I was loud or told someone something too personal and embarrassing about myself. However, there have been times when I would have rather broken my own knee caps than deal with what happened the night before.
I suffer from anxiety, badly, and when I do something while drinking my anxiety is nearly crippling the day after, or days, or months, or years...because yes, I still get embarrassed over things I said 17+ years ago.
ANYWAYS, here is my best coping mechanism, I hope it can help anyone who needs it! Disclaimer: This is in NO way a cure-all. Doing this usually gives me about 20 minutes of relief from the anxiety until I remember what happened again. 20 minutes of concentration so I can finish my work, shower, cook dinner, sleep...anything my anxiety can possibly keep me from doing. I do want to mention that after doing this for several years now my anxiety on certain situations has lessoned drastically. Maybe that will be the case for you if you end up liking it.
First I picture the situation(or as close to it as I can remember) and then I freeze the scene, as if pausing a movie. Next, I picture the walls and ground of wherever I am turning to stone, the people around me start turning to stone as well. Imagine it’s as if the stone is spreading. Finally, I turn myself to stone. This allows me to look at the situation from an outside perspective and since everything has been turned to stone it’s quiet and peaceful. Lastly, I picture all the stone being crushed into dust and blown away. I’m left with a clean slate.
One time I started making out with my brother’s friend in the backseat of my brother’s car while we were driving. The only problem was he was engaged and told me that and I actually told him it was okay and I was just drunk and that’s why I kissed him. Another time when drunk in a nightclub I started kissing a guy who was not into and got angry at me. Ugh so embarrassing. Any other time I was drunk and kissing a stranger they at least reciprocated lol. Another time I was at a reunion and started blabbering about different things in my life situation that made me unhappy like I was dating someone I wasn’t really into and I also have no kids but in reality I never really wanted kids so I’m not sure why I was even saying it lol.
I feel obliged to share today what i did over this weekend due to my problem with alcohol.
Started the evening with some shots , moved onto many many rounds of beers, switched to whiskey at a very close friends anniversary party and that's when it all came rolling in. It seems I was so wasted that i instantly went savage mode. ( Mind you I rarely do go here ) I decided to hit on my friends mom's mate till she got really creeped out and left the party. I have the most respect for this family and I proved myself wrong again. Now I'm in self disbelief and shame , been recluse in my room and beating myself up. I have problems with alcohol and feeling loved . This caused me to chase a high I have longed for since my recent breakup. I hope that the family forgives me for my bigotry.
Takes time. I’ve been there before. I made a lot mistakes. I was laughed at belittled and forgotten. My family let me die in a sense and I was bashed on Facebook by people I thought would not even go there. I guess I deserved it. Sober since 2015. When I run into people from my past they will try to bring up things and smile then watch my face. It’s humiliating. I literally gave up on all human love contact. I forgave myself and am able to stick up for myself since I’m not thrown into panic daily. It’s sucks but move on there’s better people out there who would forgive if they don’t. Don’t sell yourself short like I did. One comment I’ll never forget. My sister says. With a smile. I’m surprised you didn’t kill yourself Casey. Hm. Was she gonna check ? No.
These stories make me feel a little less alienated in my drunken behaivor but the guilt and shame I'm carrying over what happened 3 nights ago is going to stay with me for a long time. Long story short, I got engaged on Saturday afternoon and before the night ended my new fiance was arrested for allegedly assaulting me but I was actually the aggressor and I still don't know why they didn't take me instead of him. I don't remember a lot but I know we argued after coming home from celebrating, I COMPLETELY trashed our apartment, woke the whole neighborhood up because I was throwing glass candles and picture frames out of our second story window, cut my hand open and bled over every piece of furniture, every wall...I just can't even believe I am the same person that did all of this and I am in agony over my fiance being charged with committing a crime he didn't commit (I had a hand mark on my neck when the police showed up, but the handmark was from him pulling me off of him while I was biting, clawing at his face, punching him, etc.). He did everything right; he realized it was a dangerous situation and left and then called the police to have me removed but even after seeing the damage I did (it's so bad, you guys) they took him and charged him with a felony and I feel so ashamed, so so disgusted with myself and i don't know how to fix this. I didn't realize until this point that I have a dangerous relationship with alcohol and I just cannot drink. I drink and then I don't stop drinking. At least now i know I'm not alone. I just hope and pray that the love of my life isn't permanently effected by this one incident.
I hope it did change your life permanently... in a positive way. Try to forgive yourself we all do stupid stuff.
I decided to start reading these because being a person who suffers from tremendous amounts of anxiety on a day to day basis without the embarrassing drunken behavior, I'm immensely miserable at the moment. I went sober for three days one time since November but my drinking has been pretty consistent for a year now. Anyway, Friday night my boyfriend and I attended a party with his close friends in their house... Everything went really well for a while and I was super happy but it was one of those nights were you don't know you're actually drunk until you're shitfaced. I just met these people and i'm actually very fond of them and this is the happiest relationship i've ever been in and i don't want it to end. When i'm drunk my jealousy and anger comes out but when i'm sober i'm the least jealous/angry person you'll ever meet.. Late that night at like 4am my boyfriends ex girlfriend sends him a 10 mile long text message about how she wants to get back together (she's been harassing him for a while now) and he didn't want me to see it because it would upset me. Which set off all irrationalities in my head. So after being obnoxiously drunk in front of all of his friends and being loud and embarrassing and saying weird violent things i thought were funny at the time, we lay down on the floor to sleep for the night (there were also three other people in the room) and i start talking to him about his ex and it goes on and on until i'm just being blatantly mean to him and accusing him of wanting to cheat and not wanting to be with me and saying awful things.. Then i text this girls number and send really strange detailed death threats to her and at the time it was just a funny joke to me (i guess because i was blacked out.) I woke up at 9am to my boyfriend yelling on the phone at his step dad who had just saved my ass because the ex girlfriend was about to call the cops on me because i was being a crazy bitch. I feel horrible about all of this. I embarassed myself in front of his friends, I was acting crazy and jealous, I sent his ex girlfriend DEATH THREATS like a crazy and jealous person, his parents have most likely lost all respect for me, i hurt my boyfriends feelings and i'm feeling so much anxiety about all of this i just can't get over it. Every time i get too drunk i do stupid shit and i hate myself for it. I'm afraid i can't stop drinking and my boyfriend is gonna leave me because one of these days i'm gonna fuck up and say something really awful to him. I'm gonna try to be sober from now on but it's so hard.. My life is truly falling apart i've lost my job, i'm homeless, my car is breaking, my family and friends don't talk to me anymore and i'm afraid of losing more things i love due to my drinking problem. I need help i don't know what to do anymore i'm having a hard time coping with all of this.
we all make mistakes.. you can't take back what you did but you can learn... Just try to be a good person and do the best you can with what comes tomorrow.. it's a new day! cheers.
we all make mistakes.. you can't take back what you did but you can learn... Just try to be a good person and do the best you can with what comes tomorrow.. it's a new day! cheers.
Dang dude almost the exact same thing just happened to me last night. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my entire life.
Ugh, once I did an incredibly stupid thing when drunk. I was wasted at a club and saw the girl I liked kissing some other guy. In my drunken stupidity, I didn't think 'Oh, she's with another guy', I thought 'Aw, sweet, she's making out with people, guess it's my turn!' and I grabbed her and pulled her towards me to try and kiss her, obviously she pulled away and stared at me, shocked and disgusted. Immediately security grabbed me and threw me out, it looked worse than it was, I think they thought I was trying to sexually assault her, it wasn't quite as bad as it looked, but I still feel really ashamed of trying to forcefully come onto her like that. Ughhhhh, I know I didn't rape anyone orecommend anything, but I feel really horrible for thinking and acting the way I did, drunk or not.
I came here looking for support to try and help me through yet another drunken episode. I went out Saturday, got absolutely wasted and remember very little of the day. I woke up the next morning trying to piece together the evening before, but I can't remember a thing. Then I get the messages come through, "do you remember doing this...?". And then the whole reality of it kicks in. What did I to, what did I say? This is the hard part, not remembering, being so out of control, anything could have happened. Because I can't remember, I fear the worst, where in reality, I was probably just a little loud and annoying, and I do swear quite a lot when I'm drunk. Also, someones perception of the events will be be different to how you think it was. You might be dying of shame inside, you were just the talking point of the evening and no-one gives you a second thought. Can you remember the last drunk person you saw out? What did you think of their behaviour? And a week later, did you think about them? Probably not as we don't have time to worry about other peoples mistakes. In time, people will forget, we all make mistakes, drunken or not, we are only human. This doesn't justify what we have done, I think the most important thing is that we show remorse for our actions. Apologise to anyone we may have hurt and if they care about you, they will forgive you. Secondly, if alcohol is a trigger then avoid it, completely. If, you are like me, I can't just have one drink. I need to get obliterated. I've ruined so many of my nights out purely because I can't remember what I did. I can live with the guilt of being drunk and acting like an idiot, it's how my friends perceive me that bothers me. I don't want to be "that guy" who always gets drunk when we go out. So, I have decided the only way forward is not to drink. Its going to be tough as I do have social anxiety hence the excessive drinking. I can't wake up feeling like this again.
What you wrote helped me. Thanks.
I am writing here in the hopes that maybe sharing this will make me feel better. So I went out with a few friends (who i have not known for long at all) to a club the other day and had some shots. I remember dancing and having so much fun in there, I don’t remember having more than four vodka shots which I usually handle pretty well. However, the next thing I remember is waking up from a hospital in the morning still completely out of it. I just gathered my things and said goodbye without even asking what happened. I even got lost on my way home from there and managed somehow to call a taxi for myself. When I got home I had numerous messages from friends telling me that there’s no need to worry that I had just suddenly lost all my power while dancing, thrown up at the toilets and then totally passed out and they had called an ambulance on me and came with me to the hospital. I do not remember anything of this at all. I had puke and blood all over my clothes when I left the hospital and I had needle marks from having the drip and blood taken out of me. My friends were being so nice and some of them said that it’s suspected that my drink had been spiked. Regardless I’m feeling so embarassed for ending up in a hospital on a simple night out and having my friends worry and look after me. Especially not knowing whether I got into that situation myself or if I was spiked and not remembering absolutely anything that happened. I know things could have been a lot worse and apparently I had not said or done anything embarassing according to one of my mates, and I did express my gratefulness to all of them afterwards but I just really wish I could erase the whole night. I called my ex boyfriend whom I’m still really good friends with in the morning and he said that it’s alright we’ve all been there once or more and that made me feel better and I guess that’s why I’m here.
Not too long ago I(a girl) got drunk and thought it was a good idea to make out with this girl in the middle of the club. It got abit heated and appretly their were videos taken by people I know. Eventually I got home and refused to go inside so I slept with my dog in the garage outside... please give me you advise I feel like a disaster.
I am too early, trying to quit this alcohol. 2 days before in my office party, drunk heavily and fell down in front of all my subordinates and colleagues. Got hurt severely on my forehead (bleeding forehead) felt ashamed really and I lost respect too...I need to forget this... Can anyone suggest?
My friend and I got drunk together and I completely backed out with vague memories of what happened, I thought it was just a little oopsie because you do stupid things when you’re drunk. But it wasn’t. It was so much worse. I remember making advances on my friend but when they said what actually happened I don’t know how I can live with myself anymore. I just wouldn’t leave them alone and I was kept on trying to make stuff happen to the point where my friend was crying and I didn’t even know. It could have been much much worse, but I didn’t even realize how unsafe and scared my friend was in that moment. I didn’t even remember what happened. I said all that I could to him and I’m giving him space. I can’t stop thinking about how damaged and betrayed they must feel. That your best friend just completely abused you when you were expecting a fun night with a friend. I know we won’t ever be friends again, and I don’t even care if they forgive me. I want them to be okay. I don’t know how to forgive myself because it feels like more that just embarrassment. My drunkenness didn’t only affect me, it hurt others. Which I can stand. I don’t even drink often, but every time I do, it’s awful. Escpecially this time.
I used to be a heavy drinker, like 3-8 beers a day heavy. Never did anything stupid to the level of embaressment; we all we drinking and it was understood to my friends crazy stuff may just hapen so we all took silly brawls, stupid comments and property destruction with a grain of salt. That is if ammends were made of course. My drininking didn't really stop but since 2015 it was at the point of like 1 beer a week. The other night I drank because of nervousness; and low self esteem and the feeling was givng me majori issues. I ended up blacking in and out; and my activities during this time (thank the universe) were only in my own home with 2 of my best friends.
I was rambling, I was trespassing in my roommate's room (above friend #1) blatantly just taking things and tossing them around. I would k eep going in my room and saying I was ok, let me lie down, then under 10 seconds I'd be walking out into the living room again and acting a general moronic dickhead as if nothing happened.. I kept saying the same things, i was reading aloud my thoughts. How much or what I drank is irrelevant to my post here. I was blacked out is the issue. The details are to myself spared as it pains me to think im even capable of what I was told i was doing. I remember a bit of the worst.... I took a shower, got out fully nude no care in my mind stumbled around "acting normal" and walked into the living room and sat down on the tv couch in full glorious view of two people I really have respect for as a clear headed mindset. But no, it was as if being soaking wet, dishevel and nude was normal. GOD how could this have happened. is all i keep saying. I must have thought I was clothed or at least covered. I fear this is really going to ruin friend #1 \ 2 and my own relationship wioth myself which isn't great all the time anyway.
Once i sobered up I just played recluse in my room . 1# he took my dog out, the trash dishes etc. Once my shaking hands (they still are sorry for any typos) and nerve was adequate he asked if i was clear headed, I said yes. He told me we've had this convo 11 times in the past 2 hours last night. So I sat there and he sure let me have it. I didn't even know what to say I was jaw dropped. He told me what I had did, previously it was all just a blur. I knew something bad had happened but not what. He started bringing up past events, attributes on my personality and mindset generally in life which were shocking as he had never mentioned any of these events as having such a lasting impact. I understand that concept of empathy; im not a sociopath, but it only pushed my grief and pain and shame deeper down. I was so distraught I panicked and asked why he didn't tell me before, I asked why he didnt he said I'm a grown man I should know. He pulled the scalding father card "youre lucky we didnt kick your ass or knock you out' etc... His response was seething anger. His main tangent of arguing was that this is an ongoing issue. Not the drinkking or the INSANE drunk criminal behavior, but just aspects of what Ive done on impulse day to day that bother him. For example once I ate a few ceral bars and took a pack of smokes from him. We've been friends years, and each those times I made it right after him catching me red handed (strawberry filled bars) and for the latter I just straight up admitted it to him. He forgave me then. I took responsibility. He then went on and brought up things I didn't know about or even realize were HUGELY bothering him. I will omit the details but its similarly comparable in level of dastardliness to when I went into with entering his room while he's at work to say grab a pen or a pair of shorts. Those are examples and yes it's wrong to not ask an do that. Plain and simple. I know that and I never did those kind of thiings again. It's impulsive my stupid mind; it needs to be told not to do things otherwise my impuslivity will kiill me, He mentioned "he can't bring people over" becausae he's "afraid" I would offend. Not, buy drinking or acting a loon but just who I Am. I speak my mind so I get that people don't like to hear the truth. This is something I will work on now that it has hurt others. All this must have been his anger at me spilling over into other aspects of our living situation. GOing back into the previous night, he slayed me out some more: I was apparently also disrespectful verbally, and mumbling to people who weren't there; hallucinating and mumbling to my self incoherently. I was 0-100 with my impulse. How can I get him to believe me that I have learned and will by GOD NEVER do this. Im shaking crying and in so much shame but so defeated I can't even bear myself. Is that empathy? is that guiilt? I really feel I deserve the chance to prove that this was isolated; yet i twas so extreme how can I ever not forget but move on? I had no regard for anyone or theyre respect or dignity. I mean I committed indecent exposure essentially. Thats illegal here in the states! I didn't get sick or pass-out... I wish i did. I Just kept coming out my room nude 3 or 4 times, taking stuff that wasnt mine or moving our furniture. My friend (if he still is) 2 left in apparent disgust. I must have humiliated him and embarrassed not only me but especially those who trust me. I'm so overridden with pain now. Drinking never turned its back until Yesterday Feb 22 2018. I honestly can forgive myself, I honestly can move on, I know that honestly God forgives me or whatever the concept forgives me.
Next steps are improvement only. That has become my newfound M.O. No more booze. I feel i have the passion to follow through with that, as I have many aspirations and passions and dreams. I feel i can conceptualize this because I am mentally fit personality wise but i Know i must suffer from something else, like a physiological mental illness that causes this. Although, is it really too much to ask someone who claims to be your good close friend, someone who didn't beat the %%%% out of me when i deserved it the most, someone so accepting to the point where it bottles and burst out of them to keep me in line for his own sanity? For at least his own peace of mind.
It's the next next day now I had to take off time to myself and basically recluse in my room circling all that I did and remembered and beating myself badly.. i mean really doing a number. Nothing anyone could say to me has hurt me as much as I beat myself up. It will be soon he's home again... and as far as his demeanor it's been ignore, walk by or quick Hi, and his here or there. I really wanna know how to approach this. During the initial brief convo today earlier he didn't want to talk or hear my subjective experience. IS that important for him? I believe it should have been addressed at once so he can feel the empathy or at least feel sorry for me... Why did he bottle it up, all these minor things, things i would have gladly undone, changed or affirm and make right. Why did he wait until I do the ultimate stupid thing of my past 27 years. I told him (since nothing was broken) I would clean up the house and make it back to normal i.e. make it right physically. I asked for basic forgiveness with a valid sincere "brother I have made a bad judgement and my actions/behavior were incomprehensibly inexcusable" He didn't forgive me I think, at least didn't say it and albeit amicable he was not wanting to hear it I could tell.
It's a few hours later and he is a lot chipper. I'm still a dead mess mentally. I am so ashamed. I want to lay out how I feel to him, but first ask him what is an appropriate set of boundaries to frame around the conversation. He was on the phone as I type. I told him real quick I wanted to talk.. Its al I can do, but I may never forgive my self. Just learn from my own actions and learn from the words of people who care about you. Maybe it will end up taking going our sepparate ways, which is sad and I will have that chip on me my whole life. I accept life for what it throws at you now though, and I just have to start rolling with it and quit worrying about what people think of me. They aren't important, not when my own mental anguish is causing my issues. It comes off callus but its the best thing I can think of doing now if we arent' on improved or amicable terms after this travesty. Advise? What do you think I should have done differently and do next? I know im a responsible adult but is it so bad to ask for a little outside accountability? Not baby sit just if someone says they are a good friend why is that such a difficult thing? This whole situation could have been avoided, (not me drinking, just friends 1 and 2 helping someone obivously in need instaid of just waiting it out and hating me for it.... I've been told I hold others accountable with their mistakes and they have thanked me. I wish someone can clear up my turbulent mind and make sense of this all for me. Please I can take all the shame humilation but I can't understand how this could have happened the way it did. When I asked friend 1 said "we tried closing you in your room, and locking the door" but my door doesn't lock he knows that.... Idk ive got so much cognitive dissonance IDK what im going to do.
I am struggling with self forgiveness months after a bad day on the booze. Weirdly this article and reading everyone else's story in the comment section has made me feel a bit better so I guess it's only fair to share.
My sweet best friend paid for me to come visit and attend an event with her and her friends - this involved weeks of excitement. On the day, I experimented with tequila for the first time (bad idea) and got too drunk to the point where I blacked out. The next day I discovered I had done some pretty horrible things; pushed people, attempted to start fights, cursed at her friends and basically just be an a** for most of the day. Alcohol usually doesn't have this affect on me and blacking out is super rare. I feel like I would be able to forgive myself easily in different circumstances but letting my best friend down like that makes me feel sick to my stomach months late =[ She has forgave me but it is going to make me even more time to forgive myself.
I ruined Christmas AGAIN because of booze! FML! I had started a new relationship summer of '17... Finally, I met the man of my dreams... I adore him and still do however he is not feeling the same towards me... especially after the episode this Christmas Eve. I can't drink....plain and simple and I am completely embarrassed of my behavior...and extremely depressed because I have lost him. Let's go back to a few months after we met.... episode 1... We were having drinks and once again I had way more than I could handle and insecurity not feeling good enough started creeping in.... Started telling him to go back to his ex and family and that he didn't love me. The next day I felt so ashamed...and apologized. He forgave me thank goodness. Now lets one year ago.... Episode 2... We are fairly new couple, our first Christmas together- we were head over heels for eachother and so happy that we found eachother (we are in our 40's and was new to the dating game ) A couple of nights before Christmas I had my friend in town for the holidays so naturally she came over to visit me. This is the first time for her meeting him and we had a blast! Then another friend came over ( was not invited by me but by the friend who was visititing) I had recently just started talking again to this "friend" after over a year of not talking so our relationship was still shaky. By the time she arrived I was already buzzing pretty good and my crazy mind was going...I could feel insecurity running thru my mind. Both of the friends left for a moment to go grab ice. During that time I lashed out at my boyfriend accusing him starring at the friend #2... Screaming at him that he was smittened with her etc.... saying some pretty mean things that he did not deserve He ended up leaving my house and I continued to drink by myself , In a rage... throwing presents, crying etc. This continued well into the next day. My neighbor called the cops and I received a noise complaint and a fine. I don't remember talking to the police at the door. My daughter filled me with the details as she came to my house at some point during my drinking bindge... After 2 days of drinking, it was time for me to hide in my bed, die with a hangover and hate myself for my behavior. My boyfriend came back, and told me he loved me and took care of me. He forgave me for my actions. I was so grateful that he still loved me. We put it behind us and enjoyed what was left of the holidays. Now lets move onto Episode 3 ... In May we went to Cuba for a week.... 2 Nd day in once again I drank too much and started a fight....that he wasn't attracted to me , that he didn't love me and so on. Needless to say he was hurt and upset with me a didn't talk to me for a good day... I apologized once again and asked him if we can please just enjoy the rest of our trip and It's best that I don't drink too much... We started speaking to eachother but through the rest of the trip it was off... I could feel the distance...I really fucked up and he was pulling away from me ... We arrived home and things started to get back to loving normalcy for us..... Months go by and we are back to the lovingcouple that I adored until one night this November....we are having wine....again I am drinking way too much... Started getting rude and saying mean things...shit he doesn't deserve. He told me he hates when I drink that I am a different person and that he is sick of it. He went to bed.... I slept on the couch. He didn't speak to me for a good couple of days...I begged him for his forgiveness and that I was sorry again... He told me the next time I treat him like that again that he is done with me. That he is not putting up with it.... he says in one breath that I am an alcoholic then says he don't care if I drink but I can't act the way I do and treat him so horribly or hes gone .... Now lets bring you to this Christmas Eve.... We go out, finish our shipping, come home have a beautiful seafood dinner and WINE..... Well I guess u know what happens next... Yep I drink too much and we are fighting , screaming at eachother.... He smashed our pictures.... Told me we were done..( as he said would happen if this shit happened again).... Woke up the next day (Xmas day) and cried ....so ashamed .... Gifts still sitting under our tree, him not speaking to me, my family worried about us, it is 4 days after the he does not want to talk to me. I have tried to communicate with him but he doesn't want to talk to me I seriously ruined it....I have contacted AA for some help.... I know full well I cannot drink...That it had ruined and will continue to ruin everything in my life. I have been feeling ashamed, sad, angry, lonely for days...all because of my alcoholic behavior. I Quit... I am done. I have a long road ahead of me but I will do this. Losing my love may be the savoir I need. Kills me that I hurt him so much.... So ashamed but hopefully in time we will both heal. Thanks for listening to me. Be good to one another xo