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Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?

When deciding if and when to leave or end a relationship, how do we wade through the thoughts and consequences? How do you know when enough is enough?

When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.

In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.

Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship

Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.

We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.

It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.

The Ending a Relationship Decision

There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.

You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:

  • Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
  • There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
  • Get people that love you around you.
  • Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.

Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.

How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
share here: Twitter@JodiAman, Google+
inspire here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace

APA Reference
LCSW-R, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, May 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough



Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R

Dawn
says:
October, 15 2018 at 10:29 pm
I've been in a committed relationship and living with my boyfriend for two years I just recently brought up the subject of marriage and he says he's not sure if he wants to get married again that is first marriage messed him up really bad and he wants to take it slow although he's thought about it. I have caught him reaching out to female friends flirting, and being doshonest and secretive about his coversations. I'm having a hard time making the decision to leave or stay. Trust is obviously an issue now and the fact that i now feel he may not ever want to get married again really bothers me especially since marriage is a must for me. What do i do?
October, 17 2018 at 9:20 am
Dawn,
If marriage is that much of a dealbreaker for you, then, as hard as it is, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and decide whether or not you want to stay with him. It seems to be a lot more important to you than it is to him. And if he is flirting behind your back, then you need to ask him if he's really taking the relationship seriously. If not, it would perhaps be in the best interest of both of you to move on. That may be a negative sentiment, but I have seen enough people stay in negative relationships for far longer than they should have. There is no shame in leaving if you honestly think you would be better off apart, and there is nothing to be gained for staying in a relationship that isn't working simply for the sake of keeping it going.
Katie
says:
May, 29 2018 at 4:08 am
Hello everybody. Im in same situation. My bf of 6.5 years never told his family about us and has been living with me for 3 years until April 11th of this year. I now know he will never tell them as hes scared of his father whos now very ill and my bf said he cant tell them now because his dad might get heart attack(i think thats BS) anyway after me begging him to tell them so that we can finally go out together as a couple and be a family. I have 2 kids but i never asked him to father them. Oh and i know his family really well. So i made the first step and told him to move and give us space to think. Mind you hes still the same. No change in his behaviour. After so much reading and listening to many videos i realised i was only convenient amd he was comfortable. Now i a taking my power back and guess what he doesn't like it. But i dontcare anymore. I love and respect Me!! Better times with my kids. I study again (im 33) and i have goals. I also want to be agood role model for my son and daughter. 12 and 8.
hellen
says:
May, 23 2018 at 5:55 am
..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called DR. ZUBA Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 3 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 5 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos i have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here:drzubaspellhome@gmail.com... CONTACT THIS GREAT AND POWERFUL SPELL CASTER CALLED DR. ZUBA ... HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS drzubaspellhome@gmail.com... CONTACT HIM ON WHATSAPP ;+2348167554235 NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT SO HE CAN ALSO ATTEND TO YOU BECAUSE THE EARLIER YOU CONTACT HIM NOW THE BETTER FOR YOU TO GET QUICK SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
unice
says:
May, 23 2018 at 4:38 am

After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2348102652355) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.https://lavenderlovespell.wordpress.com
Harry Raymond
says:
May, 23 2018 at 1:34 am
I know these may not be important here but some of you here may need this Advice About your broken Relationships/ marriage or yet to be broken.
I want to offer a bit of advice to anyone looking to find help on saving their marriage/relationship. Me and my husband had a torrid time for a whole decade; all our family & friends constantly advising us to get a divorce but i knew it would break our children’s heart. i tried so many different things to save our marriage and from trial & error i came across a very helpful Advice from George, he talks about a love Dr and how is has being saving so many Relationships so i quickly contacted the ( Email: Priestazibasolutioncenter@gmail.com ) he wrote out so i send a mail to the love Dr and explained my problems to him which he sees as a very little problem and guess what! he did the spell and it worked extremely well for me, so i am also writing out his Email to those who as well may need his help about your Relationships/Marriages or for some other reasons you can directly whatsApp him on:+2348100368288. And now me and my Husband(Raymond) are happily living together with no more problems.
you can contact him directly via his Email: Priestazibasolutioncenter@gmail.com Or Website : http://drazibasolutioncenterworldwide.webs.com . this is no doubt....
Ashley
says:
May, 8 2018 at 11:38 am
Hi ladies. I'm looking for a bit of advice here. I've been with my partner for nearly two years now and I have a son who is not biologically his (we got together when I was six months pregnant). Things started out great at first, he was very courteous and attentive to the relationship and this stayed the same when my son was born. Over the past few months he has become a very stressy person and more often than not this is taken out on me. Not in a violent way but he tries his best to make me feel how he does. He doesn't help around the house anymore and rarely helps with my son who is now 15months. He doesn't cuddle me, kiss me or even make love to me anymore. I keep thinking I'd be better off without him as I'm trying so hard to keep the relationship going that the bond between me and my son has become so brittle. I just don't know what to do.
MLJ
says:
April, 13 2018 at 11:04 am
hello, I am a housewife and mother of 2 kids, Although sometimes it feels like I am a mother of 3 with my husband being the 3rd child. He is a GREAT father to his children however, he forgets that I am his wife and I have SEntimental needs. He never pays attention to how I feel or think. never bothers to ask me how my day goes being a full time mom. Unfortunately, when we argue things get very bad to the point where he has Punched me in the HEAD 3 times in the past 7 years. He also gets verbally abusive with me calling me any filthy word that he can. I am at a breaking point where I don't know what to do? DO I end the relationship even though I know my kids will be very affected by this?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Brenda
says:
April, 30 2018 at 10:04 pm
If there are abusive verbal tendencies then marriage counseling can work to help you set healthy boundaries. Both have to agree to learn how to voice thoughts and feelings
and listen instead of responding emotionally.
JA MI
says:
April, 11 2018 at 1:35 am
Hi everyone. I am facing a crossroads. My boyfriend of 6 years and I are at an end. We love each other so much even until it hurts us both. We have gone through so much. He has always been an abuser of cough medicine and we have worked so hard on his addiction together,but it still finds a way to come back and he spirals out of control.He refuses to give them up this time and has started drinking heavily. The relationship has gotten so violent at times. He steals my debit cards and my car so he can get high. He wants me to accept him for who he is,but I'm miserable. We have been the only family to one another since we got together. He also is so smart and talented with huge dreams and ambitions, but the addiction has such a hold over him. I am a crisis counselor and feel at times like a failure because I could not save him. He is also an illegal immigrant and a felon. This occurred during our relationship. I feel that he came into this relationship much better and I feel guilty for trying to leave. I keep hoping he can kick this addiction,but is hoping really enough to stay in a dangerous and miserable situation. I do love him very much and our love is one for the record books. We have both sacrificed so much. Would you leave?
Jacob jojola
says:
March, 27 2018 at 12:00 am
Hi everyone im a young man still in college and my girlfriend has a lot of aniexty and depression problems she just had her spring break and now she's back in school tonight she has been very distant and unusually different with her actions I have been trying very hard to help her for the past 11 months and I'm all she has she's very stubborn due to her aniexty And i have to keep my feelings with her and any stress i get a secret to my friends I am very lost on what to do and I'm not feeling very well as a person because i have so much weight on my shoulders I love her so much but it is a challenge just spending time with her I have contemplated leaving but i feel its not the right thing to do any help is appreciated god bless.
Susan
says:
March, 7 2018 at 9:13 am
I am pursuing PhD. It will take next three years to finish it. My boyfriend and his parents give me pressure to get married to himbefore I finish my degree. But, I want to get married only after my studies 3 years later. I feel really annoyed and stressed these days. I have only one choice.. to let him go. Do you think it’s true? Thank you so much.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Norma Jimenez
says:
March, 13 2018 at 10:43 pm
Yes if your not mentally ready to take that step and your not feeling it back out that's your inner you putting resistance

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Smooze
says:
April, 21 2018 at 2:04 pm
Out of all the comments that are needed for the other two people... this one is the one that got a comment pushing the person to action. Fact of the matter is, everyone looking for a reason to leave, should leave. Everyone looking for a reason to stay, will only be able to find it themselves. The only thing that any person is going to add to these issues, is a helpful shoulder or ear.
Sara
says:
March, 4 2018 at 8:45 am
I’ve been married for nearly 11 years, together about 13. Our relationship started off rough. He has a daughter from previous relationship and I have a son from a previous relationship also. His mother adores his ex and has never given me a chance all these years. She shows complete preference towards his daughter over my son never inviting him to take part in fun activities or visits to her house. My husband tolerated this all these years saying there was nothing he could do to change it. His daughter has been surrounded by negativity towards me since she was 5 so naturally, she has done nothing but try to cause conflict since day 1. Despite this I’ve still remained loyal by his side. Now, about him. He’s 38, works part time by choice contributing minimally to our household. He has not been a father to my son who doesn’t even have a relationship with his biological dad and then there’s me working 45 hours or so day in and day out climbing the ranks at my job to provide for the family. At the end of the day I come home to a messy house with dinner on the table 1-2 times a week if I’m lucky. 1 of those times is usually when he has his friends over. He does whatever he wants goes out enjoying life while I work and bare the burden of all household expenses and responsibilities. He has 0 ambition.
As far as our “relationship” goes, he puts as much effort into that as he does his work ambition. He touches me only for sexual advance and I better respond quickly or he goes into a rejection temper tantrum. He literally doesn’t want to bother with any sort of loving or cuddling to turn me on just wan bam done and back into his agenda.
Anytime I try to talk or address the issues we have, he erupts into a dillusional fit combined with verbal attacks and name calling. I stand my ground for him to simmer on what he just said and how he behaves so once he then realizes his livelihood is in jeopardy he comes to me like a hurt dog. “I’m sorry I said that, what do you want me to do” “make me a list” I don’t want to be his mother or personal manager. I just want him to do what’s right. He thinks because he’s not alcoholic or abusive I should be grateful but he seems to resemble more of a bad roommate than a husband yet somehow I remain conflicted after all these years invested. I have loved him but ultimately maybe I need to hit rock bottom before I take action. I’m just tired of no respect or appreciation and being the only adult in the relationship. Thanks for reading my rant would love any advice!
Angela
says:
February, 1 2018 at 1:41 pm
Me and my Boyfriend have been together for 4 years. Throughout these 4 years we’ve had roommates here and there. Some lost jobs, lack of income. But lately I’ve been really hurt and feeling like a burden. I’m currently unemployed, and have been for 3 months. My boyfriend finally has a good paying job that he loves. And he just looks at me like I’m barely trying. He doesn’t understand that I’m doing everything to find a new job. Even when I wasn’t working I always had some type of income coming in, despite him being unemployed for 8 months. I always made things work. This whole 3 months he makes sure he tells me every couple days that I need a job. As if stating the obvious makes these employers get back to me quicker. I get a utility check every month for $100 and I put that toward whichever bill needs it more, or sometimes I split it between the gas and electric. It doesn’t make me feel good having to depend on him that’s why I try so hard to find a new job. And in the meantime I do whatever he says, whatever he needs because I try to show him I’m still helpful. But it always comes back to me not having a job. Earlier I said he was in this exact situation, that was a year ago. When he was unemployed I NEVER put him down or made him feel worthless. While he was unemployed I had went through 2 jobs. I took good care of him, well as good as you can when you’re living off of one check. I did my best and never complained that he didn’t have a job. I didn’t do that because I knew my man would find something. His own friends nagged him more than I did. I said it several times that he just needs to be patient, and I’ll find a new job. He thinks he’s stressed?? Try having an unemployed partner for a year!! Still I never complained. I stood by my man, as a queen would do her king. But I just can’t seem to get that same treatment. Oh and one more thing I offered him a place to live after his roommates got themselves evicted from their place. You would think he would cut me some slack. Smh
Nene
says:
January, 27 2018 at 9:43 am
Hi. I've been dating my boyfriend for close to 7 years now. We met in University and still dating until now. Initially, he wasn't really my type but I grew to love him because he is smart, a go getter and he teaches me a lot of things. For a year now, my parents have been telling me not to get married to him because of our different ethnic groups. He doesn't even mind if I don't talk to my parents anymore but I honestly don't want to loose either of them. Some months ago, we were together and I kinda got him mad. He told me not to do something but I did it anyway and he slapped me. He apologied to me and told me the only reason he did it was because I disobeyed him. I really didn't mind this because I was wrong anyway. Fast forward to some months later, he hit me because I was driving recklessly. I confronted him about this and he said if I acted like an animal he would treat me as such. I also remember him asking me if I was 'f*ING stupid' in front of his coworker. I really didn't like this. He has told me about twice that he would be doing me a favour by getting married to me because I am lazy, dirty etc. and he doesn't want me to be laughed at by my friends and because I am in a bit of financial pinch and would not want me to bear all the financial burden alone. He also told me that it is not like sex with me is the greatest.

One time I remember we were in a bit of an argument and he threatened to leave me if I did not reply him. I cried so much that night. He also told me that since he is a man he can easily get someone else because men have time while women don't.

I have been having second doubts about our relationship and I bet he has too. I'm really confused and I don't know how to call it off. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I dont want him to say or do anything that would hurt mine too

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sophie
says:
February, 16 2018 at 3:51 pm
Honey, as soon as it is safe to do so, get your arse out of there! You are in a dangerous and incredibly unhealthy relationship with this man. You deserve much, much better than this! He is aggressive, violent and controlling. You do not have to put up with this. Don't you dare worry about his feelings when he clearly isn't worried about hurting you both physically and mentally. Get out of there. Make sure you have a safe place to stay, call the police if you can and make them listen and defend you.
J
says:
December, 2 2017 at 8:39 am
I have been in a same sex relationship for about 2 yeaRS now. Our relationship has always been rocky, but it’s honestly always worked out, because we just “let things go”, or so I thought. My partner constantly acts like everything is fine when in actuality, he is still upset about everything I’ve ever done that has hurt him. In the beginning of our relationship, I smoked marijuana heavily. I was very depressed and marijuana was my outlet. He did not smoke, and he thought it was coming between us, and it was. He asked me not to smoke anymore, and I promised him several times that I wouldn’t, and I broke all of those promises. The last time I smoked was two years ago, a few months after we first got together. After that we would have screaming matches with each other over minut things that didn’t even matter. We worked on those things and things were better for a few months. Ever since then though, nothing has changed. Jump 2 years into the future from then, and we’re still fighting, except now it’s more like he is upset because he thinks I’m inconsiderate, and I’m upset because he is very controlling and shuts down whenever I want to talk. It’s hard for me to understand how he feels because every time he is upset he ignores me, and these fits will last for a couple days. It really hurts me, and it’s beginning to be too much for me, but I’m scared because U love him so much, and I don’t want to lose him, but at this point it feels like the love is gone, and like to means nothing to the both of us. Also we live together, 45 minutes away from our home town and I rely on him financially, despite having a full time job of my own. I’m not sure what I’d do if we did split ways, emotionally and financially.
Anonymous
says:
November, 29 2017 at 1:59 am
I honestly don't know what to do. I am truly confused if i should leave my husband of 4 years. We met through a mutual friend. And sparks flew. We didnt date right away. We stayed friends( with benefits) for about 1 year. Then just friends for 3 years. One day we met up and something happened and we started dating. Not sure what was different about that time. But it worked. We were inseparable. We both lived at home still. Both families catholic. It was hard to get alone time. But we made it work. My parents love him. And his family loves me. We have cultural differences. I am a mutt and my husband is chaldean(iraqi christian). So all the different traditions his family has, i fell in love with as well. In the culture though you do not leave the house unless your married. Well we were in love so it made sense. We started looking for a house. Put a offer in and he proposed. I was happy. I thought we will move in and be able to be free to do what we want for each other. So we moved in and made a life. Planned the wedding which his family pressed to be ad soon as possible since we weren't married just engaged. The culture is very by the book catholic. While living together i thought pur intimacy would rise. Having alone time. It did somewhat. But not to what i think a new couple should. But i loved him so that wasnt everything to me. First year we got used to living with someone else. All the things you work out like whose responsibility for each chore is what etc etc. Got married and things were great. On our honeymoon we did not have sex. Which is noy a big deal. Your on vacation and you get tired. But i always feel like i could never open up to him in that way. But things were good. We were the couple that everyone around us that said your so lucky....you guys are perfect...we strive to be like you. We respected each other and things were good. Soon things started to subside in the bedroom even more. My husband gets irritable when things arent perfect. Which may be from his family because everyone on his side has major OCD tendencies of cleanliness. Soon i felt nothing i did was good enough. Criticism was a normal thing. For everyday life. I didnt make enouhh money to save for us. I didnt clean enough. I didnt cook enough. I am a optimistic person usually and it never brought me down until a year and a half ago. I wasnt aware before but my husband suffers from depression. And he was in the thick of it. I always listened and was supportive. He drank everyday almost. I suggested cutting down or things to help him. He hates his job so i helped him find new ones. He needed to stay at his job becausr it profided insurance for us. Which made me feel guilty. The feeling of guilt is always with me now. He was always waking up sick and came home from work and zoned out while watching tv or playing on his phone. He gas great hobbies that he does as well. Ge started taking antidepressants. But he still drank frequently. He was unhappy and so was i. Intimacy was never there and i felt like i was very generous when it came to that and him selfish. So it turns me off. Ive noticed how much irritation he has towards his mother always. And fekt like he started treating me that way. I started feeling disconnected . This grew for a year. I just hated the negativity he gave off. He told ne he always had depression is just didnt show when we dated...im always goal oriented. And wanted to start a business. Which is supported. I do hair and started looking for a shop to open up. I found a single studio which i moved to and business has been great. He was happy for me. But also jealous. As he would make comments i wish i had that etc. I work a little more but i am able to save money now so he should be happy! Always trying to make him happy. My 30th birthday cane around and i was having a party. This was the straw i believe. For his 30th i planned a big surprise party and he was happy with that. Mine seemed like a burden. Which everything always seemed like. The day came and he was irritable as ever. Layed in bed all day. Came out periodically to check on things. He was miserable. The thought of people coming and getting the house dirty. When people came he was fine and put on a happy face. After that...my wall was up so much. Which is my current situation. The negativity, the criticism, never being good enough, the lack of intimacy. Tore me down. He attempted to be intimate one day and i couldnt get into it. He then realized something was wrong. And he started to get emotional. I think he knew i was unhappy at this point. I felt guilty. He then tryed to be nicer and started to dig on the the problems were. He started seeing a therapist and changing his ways. Something inside him sparked. But i felt cold to all the changes. I thought it will not stay he has done this before. It will gp back to how it was soon enough. Within a month he started working out, seeing a therapist, dieting, and trying hard to be nice. One night recently while all these changes are happening he told me he has something to tell me. He told me he has a porn addiction and that he thinks it coming in between us. He got emotional. And i stayed strong. Which is usually how it goes. I felt bad since he had exposed a deep secret to me. And he said he is trying not to dp that because he wants to fix things between us. About 2 weeks later. He was going out with friends. Which i was happy he was getting out socializing with his buddies. He came home drunk. He tryed to cuddle me. And i said i have to work in the morning. But he smelled of whiskey and was kind of rough because of the alcohol. He flipped out. Ive seen him do this 2 other occasions while drinking with friends and they got mad at each other. But he went into a fit of rage. Blind rage. Screaming that im a monster and loudly grunting and screaming thoughout the house. Theres no way to describe the fear i had. I knew he could overpower me. I left. I was frightened he woyld come after me so i booked it. I could not get to my keys so i was running. I called mom and told ger ehat was happening. She was scared too. I ended up calling 911 as i was worries for his and my safety. He also has exposed to me he has suicidal thoughts so everything was unpredictable. I stayed at my parents for a couple days after the incident. And since then i have been back home just walking on eggshells per usual. I am unhappy. I can't get over what happened. And dont know if i should live my life with a man im so unsure about. Everyday its something different. Hes trying to be super nice to win me back. Or irritable becauae its not working fast enough for him. I feel like there's a rush for me decide if i want a divorce put on by him. He says he loves me and will do anything to make this work... but i feel its too late. My wall is rock hard and i cant get back to "normal". Im so lost. Any advice?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 29 2017 at 6:28 am
Thanks for reaching out to us at HealthyPlace, I'm so sorry for everything you're struggling with. Have you considered couples therapy? I think if you're still not convinced you should stay or leave, that couples therapy may help you. The lack of intimacy, his issues with the home, and everything else you're experiencing has to be addressed for any improvements to happen and sometimes a couple's therapist can really help you to express your thoughts and feelings on these issues. Again, I'm so sorry, your situation sounds very chaotic and frustrating. Please continue to reach out anytime! Thanks, Emily
Notfromhere
says:
October, 19 2017 at 2:59 pm
I will start saying that I am as everyone here very confused and I shouldn’t be. I am avoiding the decision that I think is right, meaning l Aviña my boyfriend. He is an army veteran with PTSD angry issues and anxiety, I have been extremely patient and supportive while I have been learning how to behave and deal with this condition. He is a better person now but it is consuming me, and the angry issues are explosive. He is sweet and careful but he explodes so easily and in that moment he become a different person. I ended the relationship months ago but he promise me to go to the therapist and follow all the doctors orders. But it’s not enough, I am honestly starting to get scared because he grab me strongly by my arm and I felt to the ground, that for me was the tipping point, a wake up call. I don’t know if I should “understand” and go to therapy with him or end this relationship before it gets more complicated. We have been together for 10 months, we live together and he wants to marry and have kids but I can’t even think about having kids with his angry issues. I’m broken now, i never picture myself being “that woman”, the one with an abusive partner. I’m completely naive in this veterans issues and i feel guilty for wanting to quit because I know it is not completely his fault, is what happened to him before but I can’t destroy my life trying to help him. I love him
I’m really confused.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

kholly
says:
November, 14 2017 at 12:58 am
NotFromHere, I understand your confusion. We're told to stay with our ill partners through thick and thin, and we do our best to do so. However, when the illness has symptoms that puts your physical and mental health on the line, there's nothing wrong with cutting ties. You're right--having children and getting married at this point in time is not a good idea. Trust me, if he continues treatment for his PTSD, he will come to see that your choice was the best one for you (and probably for him, too). When he's better, many things will become clear to him.

And, there's nothing saying you can't love him from afar. It's just not healthy for you to stay.
Mary Janes
says:
September, 15 2017 at 1:59 am
I am in a relationship that I have been in for 15 years. This man loved me and my two children that we raised together. He is hardworking and he does love me but he has settled for this barely getting by life and I feel stuck. We are not financially stable and he refuses to get a second job saying two jobs are for two ppl. I work everyday and so does he but the money is never enough. Both our credit is in the toilet and every other month we are threatened with eviction.
I am just tired of struggling. I came to his city 15 years ago with my head on straight good credit ambition and a go get it attitude. 15 years later I'm bitter angry depressed and broke. His main phrase is that I am always ready to run, why is your answer to always quit? But I haven't quit, I'm still her but I'm so broken and unhappy I want to quit. Then I think about the kids and how lonely and empty I would be without him. Is this enough to end 15 years of struggling?
Katherine Worley
says:
August, 11 2017 at 3:08 pm
Hi Laurie,

I am so happy to come across this post. I met my boyfriend when we were 16. We dated for 2 years, when his dad died. He stayed to redo his last year of of highschool while I went off to university. During that time he cheated on me and we broke up. One of the things I found unattractive about him even then was his lack of ambition. Since then, we have gotten back together. I have always been in love with him, I feel like when we are together we create perfect balance, and with him by my side I feel like I could be better than if I was by myself. He encourages me and believes in me, and I feel he truly cares about me. I truly picture myself having children and a family with him. However I am unhappy. About 9 months ago he dropped out of university. He told me he was a drug addict and had never really gotten over his dad's death, and checked himself into rehab. I was confused by this as in all the years I've known him he's only smoked weed, and he had quit drinking or doing drugs months before he went to rehab, saying they made him anxious. Over the last month while he's been in rehab, he was often calling me saying how he feels the rehab wasn't helping, that he was really anxious, so anxious he hadn't been to a single aa or na meetings while he was there, and that the rehab was doing nothing to address his other problems. I have told him numerous times I feel this isn't the right thing from him; he's running from his problems and his responsibilities. Now he's telling me his mum has told him he can't just come home and do nothing all day, so he's going to South Africa for a further 2-3 months in rehab. He still doesn't think it's the right option, but he simply refuses to look for anything else. I found him numerous different jobs, courses, and treatment programs he could do, and his response is always 'maybe I could do that' and he doesn't look into any of them. I don't know if I'm being hard on him, but it seems to me he just doesn't want to do anything with his life, and it's easier to check himself into hospital for 3 months rather than get off his a** and make decisions about getting a job or going to school. He has told me multiple times he aspires to have a 'sugar mommy' and he wants to be a stay at home dad. I used to think he was just saying that because he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but now I am unsure. I have had my own struggles in life. I understand his depression/anxiety and his attraction to drugs, however even in the moments of my lowest lows I have always had ambition. I feel like every day I struggle and fight to get where I want to be, while he just throws it away like it's nothing. I am set to graduate college in 2 months, and then I want to pursue a masters or a PhD. I want to travel and see the world. I want an equal, not a child. There is comfort in thinking he will always be there, I haven't had the most stable family or home while growing up, and I feel at home when I am with him, and I know he would be a good father and husband. However I don't trust him to stick around if times get tough. I see him disappearing for a further 3 months of rehab and leaving me home with the kids and bills to pay. But am I getting too ahead of myself? We are both only in our early 20s. It's just that I'm spending more and more time pacing around ranting at him inside my head. I can't help but think why should I be all stressed and working all the time, and not him also? I don't want to be a 'sugar mommy', I want someone to take care of me too, sometimes. I want someone with their own ambitions and career, so if I ever mess up I know I will have security. What do you think? I told him yesterday that I'm feeling confused and need some space to think, that I feel like in life my general philosophy is to fight whilst his is to just kind of wait for things to happen and hope things work out. I told him that will never get him anywhere, that he needs to command what he wants in life before it basses him by. I don't know if having him around will drag me down or not. However I do recognise that sometimes I can forget to stop and feel my emotions, so his slow pace is sometimes good for me, but how slow/apathetic is too slow/apathetic? Even little things like 'what movie shall we watch?' he never EVER will make the decision. I'm tired of always having to take the lead. But all I know is I love him and I feel like an awful person for essentially telling him I don't know if I can deal with the apathy that comes with his mental illness. But then sometimes I wonder whether this is just his personality and he's using mental illness as an excuse. What do you think? Am I being too close minded here or am I right to consider leaving?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mary
says:
August, 29 2017 at 5:25 pm
Leave him. Its hard because you love him but he will never appreciate you and you will start to resent him for it. He will make a terrible father for your future children. Do you want to do that to them?
ARS17
says:
August, 9 2017 at 1:58 pm
Hey

Where has that strong, powerful woman gone who takes no crap and who is this confused and drained person or am I still this strong woman standing by the right or wrong person and has something got me holding on for right or wrong reason I need advice please...

I'm 26 and I've only ever been in two serous relationships, my first was of 7 years my childhood sweetheart I would say but we grow up and away from each other and decided for the best to split witch it was I've never looked back, it was a good run and we had more ups than downs. It was a loyal and faithful relationship from us both but we just grow apart.

My partner I am with now is the relationship I'm finding so hard but then also so great and amazing and I'm just at a cross road because I really do love this man and could see myself with him years to come but is that just because it's want my heart wants right now or my head is telling me as I do believe he loves me dearly too.

Im going to explain this the best I can basically it boils down to, do I stay or do I walk but I'm finding it the most hardest to walk as I'm always draw back or I'm begged and promised stuff or something just tells me not to let go yet and I am 5 months pregnant but that's not what's stopping me because I would happily be a single mum as I have great support from his family and my own.

So hear I go I will first off start by saying - I have found no evidence of actual cheating or any full on messages to woman where there's been chatting back but I have found stuff to make me feel like it may have as well been all of that or he mite as well stop dragging me along and be single, he's done stuff to break my trust basically and I don't know how to get back from it now or if I should.

I've been in this new relationship with my partner for nearly two years - from the start I would say I am one of these woman who if everyone know how much I've put up with and done for him your most likely going to tell me you deserves so much better and to probably walk away like most woman would but I just can't or am I just a good person, trying to fix someone who I feel was broken from a very young age by people who where meant to be there for him and love him and he will never change, is god asking me to stay and fight it because he needs me or is it just me. in all of this bear in mind what I'm saying now he saw his dad abusing his mum, he lived with his 18 year old sister for a few years just them and no one know while his mum went off the rails and ran off for a year with a new man and my partner walked into the world of drugs and fighting and never got brought back into a life of feeling loved or having someone so strong and leading like me or am I just sugar coating him?

Its only been recently that I've managed to get through to him and see how much of the dark side he has actually been hiding I've managed to slowly guild him back to the bright side of life and see he can be loved. he is now because of me and the control and help I've given him drug free and he has also stopped smoking and is getting out of all the debts he was in at least £10,000 he was in and I've managed to help him down to £500 so he has changed a lot for me during this time. But I ask myself for all I have done for him getting him to this point he has also dragged me through so much shit on the way and is enough enough tonight something else pop up and just set me off it maybe silly and a little thing but to me he knows he has broken my trust and is meant to be helping me restore it but when the little things surprise me it's like is he being sneaky again or was it a mistake or is there more to it so from the start of what he has done to me.

I've always been a loyal and faithful woman and I've always tried to see his side of it before I do the standard girl thing and go off without hearing what he has to say first from the start he was such a charmer he still is he makes me feel alive, we really do fit each other and get each other but then he also makes me see how a woman should not be treated and I ask myself why I stay? when we first got together he basically chased me for a date for about 8 months, I finally gave into him he was the second man i opened my heart too and I fell for him very quickly and he fell for me after that day, we went official after two months of date nights and meeting families, he just fits me like a glove, I have so much fun with him and we do things that keep our relationship fun, but after a while I started to get feelings like something wasn't right.
Not for any reason other than my own gut, he didn't change, he wasn't being off or different but I hadn't found out all his background yet either so has all this stuff happened to make him a strong person and learn along the way, how not to treat a woman and how to love or has it shown me that your having the fire taken out of you. So about a year and a bit ago I just felt like someone wanted me to do some searching so one day I just check his phone. Yes, why? because I trusted him at the time I just had a gut feeling and I would always follow my gut and it was from that first time with him I followed my gut and found what I did, We hadn't become official yet but to me I was already with him because I stopped with others and he and I was basically always together so when I found on his phone messages he had send to two random girls, there was no chat between any of them just him writing to them it knocked my trust. Because we had basically been together for the last month if not two just not official to the world so it made me feel unwanted and made me fell body shamed after seeing it. he had basically written to one girl about how her boobs looked nice and then the other was about how she had a nice body and how she got it there. from that day my trust has never been 100% with him, yes ok it was around the time we wasn't offical to the world but to me and what I thought he was, we was. I confronted him and he said he done it out of pure silly ness that he didn't know what we was doing if we was going to go official or if I was going to pie him off again like I basically done for 8 months so I understood that and let it go, but deep down that feeling never felt my gut because after that I found so much more out about him, his family passed and his current drug use and how he basically broke from his ex girlfriend of 3 years because she found sexting messages to another girl I would never hold onto the fact he done what he did in the past as there may have been a good reason, I don't agree on cheating but I also would never hold it on him as we're a new start.

But from this it went on to many promises being broken I have done everything for this boy and he always seems to screw up one way or another and I forgive him, in the last two years I have found him, checking out other woman on instgram and Facebook, I'm not one to say you can't but when you see it's just woman he looks at and not even his boy mates, it makes me feel so little I have confronted him loads of times and he always makes stuff up, then it started to get worse but then once I found out his passed I wondered if it's just want he is used to, when we got together I knew he had split from his ex maybe a year before us and I know because he was honest he was court sexting another female on Facebook so I guess maybe that was another reason I got on edge but mainly I just had a gut feeling over the months to come lots of stuff happened, but I only found out because I became like a investigater because he had made me so paro but there was still a lot about his pass he kept hold of for a long while, but I found one thing after another and I wouldn't say nothing for weeks then I would let it all blow and say I'm done and he would say how stupid he has been, how what he done meant nothing and he is sorry but he would never cheat and how I am the only girl he's ever seen a future with and how he can't live without me and I'm the best thing to ever happen to him but he just is a mess.

It was things like him having a photo on his phone that was from his ex facebook, but she had only added it weeks before so it meant it had been stalking or shall we say looking at her Facebook, bearing in mind he had asked me when we first got together no ex on facebooks so I removed mine and I thought he had done the same. But clearly not when I found that photo. shes never been a problem and I don't believe she will ever be one, I see her like myself happy for her ex that he has moved on and doesn't care.
Then later on last year after he had blocked her I noticed she was back in there and had messaged saying happy birthday witch he was happy to show me but I think he realised as far as I was aware she was blocked like my ex but no chatting had gone on he just unblocked her so I ask and he told me it was because me and him had a argument and he wanted to piss me off, it was like he started to learn my weak points as much as I was learning his.
so there was no problem with his ex, but more stuff happened with him aiming at her like when I found out we was having a baby on a Monday, the Friday before we had a fight over his drug taking and how I was fed up but we made up a day later and I had gone to his work one night with him for company and found deleted messages he had emailed his ex, noting like I miss you ext just asking her if that was still her email, then the next one really done me in basically asking her to call him and he send her his number. I am a very open female and when I saw this I know if she had messaged back he probably would have laired so I messaged her asking her if she in any way had replied or called him and she then went on to tell me that she know this day would come that she would one day get a message from me asking but she had not contacted him and he was well in her passed but he seemed kind for her to contact him but because she has spend a long period of time in my situation with him. Doing the same to her, she told me girl to girl to always trust my gut but she promised there was no contact.

I have no problem with her she's never done nothing to me or been one of these crazy ex girlfriends who try's to split there ex from their new girls. she has only even given me advice that one time and I was grateful.

next it went into him having a new phone and a number on there under a mans name but it was actually a girl, I had found it one day looking at his phone he had just downloaded whatsapp and I looked and saw it He told me that it was on his back up on email and it was saved to his back up, from ages ago so when he backed up his new sim all his old numbers was going on there that way and this girls number was someone he had known ages that his ex hated so he saved her under a boys number to save the hassle as he was on and off with his ex he sword to me, this girl he has had no contact with since me and him have been together and it was on his back up and because he didn't have whatsapp at the time he never saw her photo and it being under a mans name he totally forgot it was there. I walked out that night and told him I was done, a day passed and he begged and promised me. He has never cheated on me or done anything to chat up a girl or seen this girl her.

Just like all the other times things have happened his promised but is enough enough, in this time he was very badly on cocaine a lot and since telling him his going to be a dad he hasn't done nothing like what he used to,but tonight I just happened to click on his Facebook and see he has changed his settlings I used to see how many friends he has on Facebook and it was just that one setting he has changed so I didn't see so I asked him why he had done that, what was the reason you would go on your facebook when he knows full well what my trust is like and he does that so first thing I start saying added someone your not meant to, added your ex again or one of these girls you was sexting with you ex and he said he just done it there was no reason, then he went into you know what I'm just going to get rid of Facebook all together so in my head I'm like is he telling the truth or has he now come off it because there was something to hide.


I'm so lost right now, not only am I dealing being pregnant and stressed I still have to deal with his crap or have I got to a stage where he maybe not doing wrong but because his done so much I just think it's all wrong all the time.

Need some help or advice I know it's so much but I just have a lot on my plate because I don't tell my friends or family because I don't want to be judge.

Sorry if any spelling mistakes.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Helena
says:
August, 13 2017 at 10:49 am
Hi ARS17. I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you are going through. I can relate to many of the things you say about your BF, regarding facebook issues, other girls, lack of trust. I had similar things with my current BF of 8 years, especially the first 2 years were very tumultuous. Having said that, it does not feel right all you have wrote above. I know how painful it can be breaking a relationship. BUT the thing is: you do not have to decide anything. Time will tell. You have a child coming, for good or bad, this man will always be in your life because he is the father. Do not torture yourself trying to make a decision. The solution will just present itself as the situation evolves. Just take one day at a time, do not anticipate anything, do not pressure yourself to decide whether you trust him, whether you leave him, stop all the mental chatter. Try to focus on yourself and your baby. Take one day at a time. When your child comes, you will know what real love is. He will complete you more than any other human being. I know my son (from a previous relationship) taught me what real love him. Do not try to be this man's saviour. Trust your gut. But be calm, one day at a time. Time will tell. Wish you all the best of luck. Meditation has saved my life in times of mental torture and pain - not easy to do but if not, try to find something to focus your energy on.
A nonymous
says:
May, 17 2017 at 3:20 am
I am so confused. My head is a mess, i honestly do not know what is the best thing to do. I am in a same sex relationship with a woman 4 years older than me and we have been together almost a year. From day one our relationship hasn't been very pleasant, we have argued so much from the get go but yet we still managed to fall in love. We had a lot of trouble with her ex in the beginning, causing problems and giving her abuse etc which led to my partner suffering depression and attempting suicide. Thankfully she was fine, but as time went on it led to me suffering from depression also as we were arguing so much. A few months in we took a step back and said that we could not live like that and that was when we had started trying to fix ourselves. Since then we had both picked ourselves up and started to better ourselves, getting better jobs etc. We had been perfect for a couple of months with almost no arguments at all, up until about two months ago. Now we argue all the time, about stupid things that don't even matter. Myself and my partner both have trust issues from past experiences, but we did start to trust eachother. Promises are a massive thing to me and show me that I can trust a person. But my partner has broken several promises to me, some little, some big. But if I make an issue out of it because I am disappointed, she laughs at me and gets annoyed at me because I can't believe what she says sometimes. Now, we are at the point where she wants to brush everything under the carpet but I am so upset and hurt and feel deceived that I honestly do not know what the best thing to do is. I don't know if we should carry on trying to make it work or if it is time to call quits? It's so hard because when we are good together we are absolutely amazing and so so perfect. But when we are bad we are awful. I worry that if I broke it off with her, she might try to harm herself or reverse back to the way she was when I first met her, barely eating and drinking heavily. I don't want to see her go like that. I feel that I really do love her, and when we are good we feel like we are meant for each other. It's just so so hard. Like seriously, what the hell do I do???

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

SameHere
says:
June, 19 2017 at 8:23 am
Hi, do you really love her or are you just afraid that she will hurt herself?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

SameHere
says:
June, 19 2017 at 8:31 am
Maybe you're just "used" to being with her
Sasha
says:
April, 19 2017 at 9:57 pm
Appreciate your mind reading to let me know I’ve moved on. Also thanks for the continued blame and finger pointing. I.e. I’m sorry for how I hurt you. But you hurt me first/more.
Emily
says:
April, 8 2017 at 9:35 am
Hi, I am in this situation for past 1 year but trouble started when my husband cme back from US. I married my husband 7 years ago, we had love marriage college tym love and had daughter who is 3 yrs old, last to last my husband moved to US and I left my job and moved along with him. I stayed for around year and cme back to join new job for our daughter future and finiacial security. I met this old colleague of mine in this new company ( he worked with me in old company and we were good friends), he helped me a lot in new company to settle and I came close to him, we got involved physically, although I didn't wanted to but it just happened over a course of time, we travelled for work together and cme very close. My husband returned after 6 months when I joined job and I am not able to accept him physically, he doesn't know anything about my new relationship but he is frustrated bcoz I am not allowing him to get physical wid me. it's been more than a year since I had sex wid my husband. That colleague John whom I am close to, he is divorcee and we are lyk one body n soul. If I talk about my earlier relationship with my husband he was more into his friends and we had not very good s c relationship, we use to ha e sex once in a week just for sake of having and I never enjoyed much sex with him. But with John it's lyk my body is made for him. It's lyk we both are for each other. I don't know how to tell truth to my husband bcoz I have a daughter too and family too. Emotionally I am ok but I am somehow not able to come out of my earlier Lyf. I so want to move ahead with John and tke my daughter but I always have the guilt feeling that my husband has not done anything bad to me, he indeed supported me to do job continue my career though for financial security but still he trusted me. I have my entire family here, my daughter is all gelled up wid good and parents and everything. I tried but I fee lyk it be sex against my wish or soul. But soul or inner consiocous doesn't allow me to leave him and doesn't allow me to have sex wid him. I am keeping him in dark , he has the right to live his Lyf but I am not able to tell him the truth or take any decision. Please help. All my friends say I should leave John and go back to my Lyf normally but I am not able to do it. He has changed my life, he has taught me what's Lyf l, what's enjoyement. I don't know what to do.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Shannon
says:
April, 26 2017 at 11:24 pm
I think k u should tell your husband and move on that is not fear to him he will heal as time goes by and when he meets his soul mate
Lyndsay
says:
May, 9 2016 at 4:28 pm
I need help. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We have an 18 month old daughter, and he is the only dad my 7 year old has ever really had. We have had our share of misc. Issues ranging from financial to communication. For a while now i feel i have disconnected from him emotionally. I still love him so much. I work full time ad have very minimal help with the house and kids. He tends to spend very little time with our children also. I feel this is a lot of the reason I have disconnected. I finally broke down and told him how I feel about a week ago. We decided to work on things the best we can. We have both given up a lot for our family and each other, and we love each other and our kids. For the past 4 days I have had THE WORST anxiety. Just knowing Im coming home sends me over the edge. My heart is pounding my stomach is in knots and I feel like Im losing it. Im scared to leave him, not due to abuse, but for our children and my fear of being alone and also fear of hurting him. What do I do?! I feel so lost. I cant handle the anxiety. Its driving me crazy. Please help.
Azu
says:
April, 26 2016 at 4:51 pm
I am really confuse. My husband and I have always been on a rollercoaster. We married 6 years ago but when we first married he said we had to stay with his family for a year so we can save and then move out. That year didn't go so good and we separated after a while of dealing with issues. Year after year he has promised we would be together and live in our own place. A year ago he begged me to move in with his family for a couple of months while their lease was up and then we would leave. Well this never happened lease ended but we stayed. I had accepted his offer but said I wouldn't stay there long and now I am reaching the year. I have dealt with anxiety all my life and I have always been able to control it on my own. Recently my anxiety is so high that I can't control it anymore and I know it is because of the place we are in I can't sleep I constantly feel like I cant breathe like my heart is raising or like I need to run. I feel really bad and it is now affecting my health. We live in a four bedroom house and when I moved in it was just my husband and I our two daughters his two sisters and his parents. That is already a lot of people. My daughters have to sleep in a foldable bed next to our bed because the other rooms are taken and our room is too small for two beds. Now the house has more people in it. It is me my husband my two daughters his parents his two sisters and one sister decided to get pregnant now we have a baby in the house she is getting married in august and my husbands dad told her and her boyfriend they could live there so now we are adding her soon to be husband plus two of his kids that he occasionally has. I really cannot take this anymore but I also wouldn't want to leave my husband but it is already putting my health at risk. I have gotten to the point of begging my husband to just let me out to rent an apartment but he says no to everything I ask for and I feel like it just has to be his way even if this means putting my anxiety at its worst. He makes good money and I make good money so he has no real reason to want to stay other than to help his parents but this is already enough for me. We fight a lot now too but I feel like a lot of our problems would go away if we would just get away from that place. I have been thinking and researching a lot of apartments to just get out with my daughters and I feel so confuse. I don't know if it is ok for me to leave. I know my husband won't follow as he has said he will not leave but this would also mean a separation once again and I feel like the issue always goes back to him not wanting to leave his parents. Please help any advice
Ann
says:
April, 2 2016 at 4:01 am
My ex left me because we argue a lot lately and he says he doesn't believe in happy ever afters. I am pregnant with his child and we raised my other child together since he as 3 weeks old. So it's so hard to lose this guy. I am in serious love with him and want us to be a family-not a BROKEN family. I would do anything to have his heart back
Dee
says:
March, 16 2016 at 9:45 am
I am currently in a relationship going on 1 yr. We both have children from separate relationships.
I don't want to screw up children but I know I can not stay in this any longer.
There is verbal and mental abuse to me. I deal with it because I don't want the kids to be messed up from women in and out of their lives.
My kids will be fine. They are very close to me. I know my son sees an issue but my daughter is too young to realize.
How do I walk away from this and not sneak out?
I have nothing good to show for the past year. I lost friends and my family has been pushed away because of his control.
I try to stick up for myself but then everything gets switched around on me, like I'm not thinking straight. I feel confused and then I stay.
I question myself. I was never like this. I was never a weak person. Should I just pack up and leave, only leaving a note? He doesn't understand.... He has taken over MY home. He will Not leave. My only option is for me to go. Ugh!! I have lost everything... I don't care about starting from nothing but I don't know how to get out of this.
Stern B
says:
January, 26 2016 at 11:04 am
Hi,
I am in a relationship with a girl in philippines and we are staying together since 2 years. She is 22 year old and i am 30... We live together. Actually she has difficult life coz she supports her family (mother, her 3 siblings and her 2 kids) but her income is not enough. Her father left and went to other place, doesnt support them and is jobless. Yes she is a single mother. In the begining of our relationship just 6 months after we were together i found out that she slept with other guy for money. I saw her email and pictures posing in the bed and she confessed that she slept for money and cried and said me she did it to support her family.. then i realized that i should support her coz i thought she loves me and she really did it for money.. Then i started to support her family.. She was working as some promo girl and her salary was not good. so i asked her to join call center but she said she cannot pass in call center interview. I encouraged and supported her firmly and forced her to apply in call center. I said her i will completely support her family coz she will have to leave her old job. She failed in couple of places but i kept on encouraging her, supporting her and her family.. Finally she started to work in call center. I was so proud of her.. I even threw a party for her. Then I rented a house for her family.. I used to pay rent, electric and food.. I get so broke time to time coz i had to support 7 persons but i still supported them.. Then i decided to bring her family with me so that i wont be paying for 2 appartments.. then we all started to live together.. but soon i was very irritated coz it was too noisy with 5 kids at home but i somehow managed to stay together for 1 years and offcourse i was paying everything.. ya she also used to spend for their school and other expenses... Then one day i found out she was chatting with other guy on the facebook and was planning to meet him, this guy also slept with her before we were in relation.. When i asked her to block the guy she refused and shouted on me. we fought that night and finally she blocked him. once she was sick i just came home after 28 hours duty and took her to hospital, then she confessed me that she fell in love with a new guy from her work (call center) and she said but the guy was gay.. I asked her what if he was straight then she just replied nothing would happen it was just a crush...actually i already knew something was wrong in our relation coz she was not giving me what gf should give to her boyfriend like love, romance, care.. When i wanted to love her she used to say she was getting old and has no interest in love making, she is tired, she is sleepy blah blah excuses... I was so frustrated she wouldn't make love with me for weeks even we are healthy and young.. Then I decide to move from that house coz i wasn't happy there and she never made me feel special.. Then once i saw in her phone that she texted her friend saying in our relationship we have no love.. I was shattered to know that she doesn't feel love with me. By the way i am sure i treated her like a queen. I gave her everything she ever wanted. I did everything the husband does. I always made her feel like i just fell in love with her. But i dont know whats missing. Y she cant understand my love for her. Then i decided to make her believe that i was having affair with other girl coz she was not treating me good.. then when she believed (which was a lie) she cried alot and then i said her everything in my heart and then she started to treat me like a boyfriend... After staying together with her family for 1 year i decided to move to new appartment in good place that will be near from my work and noise free coz i need to study alot. But i still brought her with me to our new appartment after 1 year of staying with her family.. Then we moved to new appartment. A still support her family but half of their expense s coz she also gives her all salary to her family.. I pay for her transport, food, clothes, everything. I cut my expenses like i spend around 50% of my salary in her and sometimes all of my salary.. Its been 2 years i only bought about 4 clothes for me but i bought around 30-40 dresses for her, sandals , bags... now again she is starting to treat me bad.. its our 3rd month in new appartment and i dont feel like she loves me at all... she is always busy over facebook and internet... and u would be shocked to know that she blocked me in her facebook. when i asked her y? she said i am spying on her.. She even asked her friends to block me in their facebook about 5-6 months back.. Her phone is locked coz she dont want me to go through her phone... I gave her the phone 1 years back as a gift.. I also gifted her ipad when i went back to my country. Now a days its so difficult to stay with her in our new appartment... her job is night shift in call center and my job is usually day shift. so i am almost alwas alone at night except for saturday and sunday... So, we are able to genuinely spend time together on weekend only.. I get back home at 5pm in the evening while she is sleeping, then she wakes up at around 9pm and goes to work. that how our days passes. we only speak when she wakes up and get ready for the work.. its ok to me coz of her night shift duty... but even on weekend when we can actually spend time together, she doesnt come home early.. she stays with her friends, or sleep at her friends place ( thats what she says), then she visit her siblings and come back home at night like 8-10 pm then she use internet, facebook, instagram and then suddenly she sleeps... Sometimes when i try to cuddle her she pushes my hand like she is irritated. when i ask her for love making she says i am sick and i am not normal person and i am sex addict.. sometimes we do make love but its like she is dummy.. she doesnt even move... she never sits on my lap, she never kisses me, she doesn't try to be romantic. She always try her best to not make love with me... Its been like 4-5 months she never said she wants to make love. I feel like she refrains from making love with me.. whenever it comes to love making before she used to say she was getting old and has no interest in it. now a days she says "we love eachother doesn't mean we have to make love". whenever i ask for it she gets mad or says "no". Now a days we make love like once or twice a month and even in so long time she does not feel excited and acts like dummy. We have gym, swimming pool, badminton court in our condominium but she doesnt do anything except internet... when i ask her like , "honey lets go to mall" walk around, she says what we do in the mall? i reply: just walk walk, she says she doesnt want to walk around.. but she goes to mall with her friends.. sometimes i ask her to go to IMAX to watch movies but she doesnt want to go.. but she watches movies in her friend house. She always downloads movies her usb for her friends and watch with them but we never watched movies together.. Sometimes when i ask her "honey do u want to make love" she replies "no comment".. I dont know what that means.. common 15-20 days without love making in same bed and still "no comment". What does it mean???..... By the way when i am at my work and she is at home, she watches porn movies on internet many times.. Once i asked her, you r watching porn when i am not here, but u dont want to make love y? then she said its just she watched and there is nothing about desire to have sex. 1 year back she used to ask me for it.. she use to text me saying she was horny and wants me to come home early... she used to cuddle with me, play with my body but suddenly everything changed... I have done nothing to hurt her.. i love her so much but i cant take the pain and frustration.. I asked her to leave me and go but she doesn't leave me also.. I am so disturbed by her.. I asked her to treat me good or leave me.. she does neither... I cook food for her everyday.. I pay for everything. Whenever she feels bored or sad i take her out for dinner. some times i take her out of city. I cant see her sad but i am getting very sad. I dont know what to do? I said everything to her coz i know problem can be solved only by conversation. But, she dont like to even talk about problems.. I also asked her what is it that i dont have or she doesnt like about me, she doesnt reply... Most of the time she says its not necessary to have sex in a relationship, sex is not important if u love someone and u should learn to live without sex...................... I feel like she is has feeling for someone.. i asked her but she said she doesn't have time to fall in love with others.. Please give me some answers.... I need to make decision.... I am soooo disturbed emotionally, physically, financially and sexually... I dont want to leave her coz i know she will have hard time if i leave her.. and if i leave her she will beg to come back into my life.. but i know if i leave her i am not going to let her come into my life again.. But i just dont want her to have hard times.. i also love her family especially her son and daughter...
M
says:
January, 25 2016 at 12:45 pm
Hi, I'm M

Ive been in a relationship with an older man for about 3 years now- it feels more like a really long marriage. Small issues have been building up and are officially taking over.. We started out as friends and then started dating, I'd just moved to the states and I had no family or other friends here, he quickly became my friend and partner. Early on i noticed that he was still in contact with a number of his exes, it didnt bother me unless he initiated contact with them. When we finally started dating i fell for him- like really really fell for him. During the beginning stages he'd accused me of cheating repeatedly - and all that did was make me want to isolate myself from all men in a bid to save my relationship. I was too tired to really focus on myself - all i was doing was making sure all his issues were taken care of- so that I wasn't like all his other exes. I'd also been pushing for us to move in together- my intentions were good but when i think about it now- i feel like i was just a means to an end. He calls me up one day and says that we should move in together- i should find a place and we should move immediately- i found out later that he was moving to get away from a quite recent ex. We moved and everything was going well i was still being accused of cheating -and for the first time in a long time I fought back and I told him off. I wasn't planning on having this arguement every single time i got a phone call. he said he wouldnt bother me about it ever again. He stopped talking about it and life continued. flash forward to 2015- his ex wife's father passed away - and he decided to go to the funeral (I know it sounds ludicrous- but for me - I wouldnt go to any event related to an ex- especially something as private as a funeral); i started thinking to myself after that - that he really didnt want to have her out of his life. He enjoyed having that connection with someone who hurt him so much. When he came back he seemed different, he was more into being with me and I couldnt figure out why- despite asking. Things were okay for a while, and I started hanging out with people from work- (i work 12 hour shifts with 90% male colleagues and they're a fun close knit group.) When one of them left they had a farewell party for him- and I was invited. I decided to go on my own and hours before I left for the party he picked a fight with me. i couldnt understand why, but i decided to go out anyway. I got back home later that night and he picks another fight with me. I let it slide and continued with the rest of my week. Two days later he picks another fight with me. I get so infuriated and I call him later that night and ask why he keeps picking with me. he tells me that he doesnt know if he wants to get married again, if he wants to have children , that he thinks im going to leave like all his exes, and also that he misses the attention from women in his age group- and that he doesn't want that to end. I decided to end it on that day- If id never forced that out of him he would have never told me anything. there were tonnes more fights about the same thing - he was a lot more passive aggresive - testing me and expecting me to cave in and be the woman I used to be. Threatening our relationship... (I even got text messages saying i should move out and be with my new boyfriend); through all of this i never cheated on him. All throughout he never blamed himself it was always my fault or the fact that one of my friends from work told me to do it and i was listening to her instead of him (the person i have history with. I told him i made the decision for myself by myself and noone forced me to do it). I realise now that everything he's doing now is to pacify me- to make me change my mind and continue living with him. I can't do that- I feel like im being bulldozed into staying with him and Im not going to sit down and be complacent anymore. Reading your article and all the posts was amazing because i really needed a boost- and hearing what everyone else is going through made me feel like I wasn't alone. Im looking forward to starting over, by myself- I lost 3 years being with him - making sure he was fine and I realize now that I WILL NOT REPLACE his mother, the only CONTROL he can have over me is the only CONTROL I decide to give him and I wont be doing that. Stay Strong, have good friends who can just listen and not judge you, dont be afraid of starting over and dont be afraid of being alone. - M
Ej
says:
January, 18 2016 at 12:28 pm
Im torn, Im confused, I ughhh!!! Two and a half weeks ago I spent New Years Eve with my ex boyfriend. We broke up eight months before and I missed him terribly in the time apart. We texted and talked a few times, and he lied to me, about having a girlfriend when I was going to take a live in care job near him. He had two girlfriends, since we broke up, I went on seven dates, but no boyfriends, so I was all excited when he drove two and a half hours to pick me up on New Years Eve. He was like Yeah whatever when I was loving and excited to see him. I spent two and a half days at his parents house in separate bedrooms and we couldnt even sit next to each other, it was like I was 16. On New Years he introduced me as his girlfriend while drinking, smoking pot, and having a good time, and I was there putting up with the behavior. He drove me back and was smoking pot and drinking out of a flask he acted like he didnt want to be here, well I live alone, have a cat, at least we could be alone. I love him, but it hurts we have texted some, talked very little and last night he said it hurts to talk to me, hear from me, read my letters. He wants me to move to be with him, and to do that I must get a job. I live two and a half hours away and have spent the last two and a half weeks looking for work near him, Due to money Iam unable to get a car and be there everyday as I drive a 19 yr old car thats falling apart. Do I let go or keep him in my heart???
Zee
says:
January, 9 2016 at 3:41 am
Hi I'm Zee

Im in a relationship with my partner of 8 years soon to be 9 we have 5 children and another on the way he is my first for everything but he has a past that he carry's with him every year I've heard it so many times that I just don't know if he could ever move on I even seen him sleep in between and his ex and his sister while I was 3 months pregnant with our first child and that hurt me big time I was young when I met him but ever since then I have never been able to trust him I know I did something wrong which was just stare at his brother and his cousin and I told him the truth that his brother was good looking at that time but I'm over being like that now I don't look at another male anymore but I'm just so angry that I'm always the 1 thats trying to make difference with our relationship I'm at the pointe I just wanna give up but I love him so much that if I leave it will hurt my children as well as they will be separated I don't want my children to have that kind of life thats how their father grew up so I don't know what to do I constantly get mad at him cause he seems to wanna spend time with everyone else but his family anybody asks him to drink with them and he does not only that he wants to bring us into a world that I will never support which is he wants to join a gang but I won't support it 1 bit cause that's not the life I want my children to grow up around but I just want advice on whether I should stay in this relationship or not
Stephanie
says:
December, 22 2015 at 11:02 pm
Im in a situation that i dont know what to do at this point anymore im 27 and my bf is 26 we been with each other for 6 years, we are in a long distance relationship i see him every weekend when we see each other or talk on the phone we are fine but whenever something is bothering me it can be a small issue for example he gets really disrespectful he will call me names, hang up on me, tell me im annoying the list goes on! Like i don't get it whenever he had to tell me things i didn't give him any disrespect i would be more reasonable and talk it out not like him. There are things that i would bring up about marriage and i would tease him he would get upset too and he feels im pressuring him which im not, we also talked about sex we only had it one time that was it when we see each other he doesn't even attempt to have sex we just have oral, he says he doesn't want to have sex in the car.... and i also talk about moving in with each other he said he isnt financial ready and i respect him and his decisions but all these things we discuss he gets annoyed by it and doesn't wanna hear it all the time and he gets really mean and im getting fed up by it....
Neifetary
says:
December, 10 2015 at 10:04 am
Please help!!!!! I have been in relationship with my husband for almost 8 years.he has been in and out of jail alot.he does drugs pills.he stays angry all and constantly complains.we have 4 kids that drive him crazy.he also says I drive him crazy and constantly saying he can't stand me but yet will kill if I leave him.our kids are crazy about him.I can't get job cause of no sitter for mornings so financially I could not make it.that's why I stay.I mean I do love him but don't want the drugs and drama.he also drinks beer,like. 4 almost every day then starts nodding out.please help....
Alfred Tan
says:
December, 2 2015 at 9:14 pm
Hi,

How to recover her to get back to me?

Well, the case is quite special. Last two months, my girlfriend went to Cambodia with her friends for vacation trip. I keep in touch with her every day in phone. After that, the second day at Cambodia. She started to not feeling well, maybe she is having period and so on but she told me that she gets a very weird yet scary feeling inside her mind. Starting I am not really concern until it goes worst, she is a very tough girl who does not afraid of anything, but this time, she feels fears, she worried that she can't feel herself and decided to back early from Cambodia.

We tried many ways to make her feel better, but she is getting worst. Example like, she looks to a person/friend/family, and she feels that person weird and will suddenly bring her to another mind of thinking. It is quite complicated for me and I was suggested to look for doctors. But I could not figure out which doctor for her to visit. She told me that she can't feel me and she is not feeling well in her heart all the time, sometimes she can't feel herself and she knows that.

Then, I hope you all could find a way for her to solve her problems. Lastly, I would also suspect she might be having 'derealization'. But somehow, until now she is not fully recovered yet.

And recently, she decided to have temporary break up with me just because she don't want to hide her feelings and she don't want me to hurt for so deep, when she is having this problem, she do tell me that if anything happened to her, remember that her heart is actually still loving me. I am so sad of her incident seriously. :'(

She feels bad that she don't have feelings to me in a sudden, she don't want me to feel suffer so she leaves me and asked for temporary break and be friend. I can't accept the fact. We didn do anything wrong,

before her incident gone worse, she told me before that she will not leaves me unless i betrayed her, i will be her only one and the last one. But then, when she got this suspected dp that she can't really feel anyone, she told me before that, no matter what happened to her or gone worse, please remember that she will always love me in her heart. :'(

Now she feels like she wanna get out of her weird life, find some peace life and be her self back since she can't find back her self. But why she have to leaves or sacrifice me? Why have to purposely to have temporary break and be friend at first? i could not accept it at all.

Last two/three weeks we have quarrel a while, because i wanna try to get her back but still useless, she said please give her time and space, don't force her anymore.

Well in terms of giving her time and space, I have a lot of comments, some would say give her time and space by not contacting her until she feel misses me or needs me and then she will find me back. Some would say I must keep on contact with her to let her know that I will always support her and be by her side all the time but I worried that this will make her even worst.

After she requested for temporary break, we have badminton(Sports) session every Wednesday if either one of us free, but that day i was trying to ask about her and wanna have a talk with her one on one, but she was like afraid of me. Until her friend accompany, only she willing to talk with me with friend's accompany outside. She told me she not feeling well when she sees me and she don't know why, she feels so guilty and so afraid of me, and recently she deleted our facebook relationship status, sweet photos of us, instagram photos, and wechat moments. I don't really understand why she wanted to delete all these sweet memories. I am numb and i am trying to keep hold on my nerves for being patient and patient. Well, this is a tough task for me as i have to be tough enough to support her.

But, everything seems getting worst and worst for my GF after of one month break.

I thought of giving her time and space, and it see if she will be feeling better. But end up she feeling not even feeling better because she found out that I have contacted her aunt and parents to get to know about her. She feels that i still could not let go of her temporary and even not feeling well to me. I am feeling numbed and betrayed as i am trying to give her some time and space and at the same time get to know her through her families, but end up failed to do so and even getting worst.

Last night, I was thinking to break up with her for permanently, no more three months because I think that break up with her permanently will make her feel better and let her feel that i let go of her completely. Now our temporary break had passed by 1 month, 2 months to go. She said she even not feeling well on me and her close friend advise me to give her more space or else she will not only leaves me, she leaves everyone also. Nowadays we don't know what is she think, whether she is suffering or lying on us, nobody knows. What my friend advise is let her feel comfortable and better before she is getting worst and ignoring us.

Now I am completely LOST, DEPRESSED, CONFUSED of her weird reaction. She is completely different. I can see she wants a restart on her life. Recently i asked her why 1 month had passed, but still purposely go to my wechat profile, fb profile, instagram profile to delete all the comments, unlike, and untagged everything relating to both of us? She said it is hard to communicate and to tell me because i will be emotionally unstable and immature, she is sorry to hurt that and she don't want to drag anymore as she is still suffering whenever i said that we have two more months break, should not have delete all our memories since it is great memories. I don't understand why she still can be happy to post all her latest photo (she is on vacation) while normally if we break up, she should be sad instead of happy.

What i wanted to know is, what is the actual reason that causes her to become like this so differently in a sudden? is it an anxiety or panic attacks? i just need an answer. Will she have the feeling back and comes back to me after some time and space or after she recovered? Just want to know about this. Hope that you all which have similar situation can give me a help on it. :(

Regards,
Alfred Tan
ching
says:
November, 22 2015 at 11:10 pm
Hi,

This is a family matter please help me if my decision right or wrong.
a short narrative for your info.
My mother was so upset because of the text i send to my father phone and they arguing each other. yes i admit im wrong but i felt all the time my decision is not good to them the worse even in front of my daughter im still wrong in making decision. One day my mom was so upset they arguing each my sister and my brothers even my sister in abroad also upset to me. only my lil brother and father understand it because i made wrong from the past then all the decision is wrong. they not even know how depress i am and even guilt ever pressure what im going to do just let them be happy to me. during the conversation everyone is shouting yealing even mad all of them talking talking to me...they call me but i decided not to talk and go inside to talk. i rather choose to be alone because im afraid what they are going to me guilt because of me they are mad or even shouting each other that why i let my self to be silent. But this make me feel better but the question if my decision is right choose to be silent than to have conversation with them?
Val
says:
October, 26 2015 at 12:23 am
Hello my name is Val.,
Please don't judge me..,but I've been in a relationship with my bf for 2years goin on 3years I live him so much n care for him so much he means everything to me we have 2beautiful kids together ..,well come to find out he has a very bad drug addiction and I tried helping him stay off the streets and to stay drug free but nothing seems to work I try so hard not to break down but Hus addiction really hurts me so bad I want to end my relationship with him because as all he does is lie to me all the time n leaves me and our kids all the time to go out into the streets he says he's goin to stop using drugs and stay clean/drug free and that he's gonna change but he doesn't nothing ever changes.. he's been telling me that for the past year now I just can't go on with him anymore but then again I live him so much and want him to change and I want to stay with him for our kids but I can't keep putting myself through all this pain... HELP ME WHAT DO I DO...?!!
sa
says:
September, 14 2015 at 8:31 am
We all see a trinkle of ourselves in all the posts here. In my own case, I know the right thing to do is to leave him, after 3years of serial cheating, including with the married housemaid. With escalated physical and verbal abuse, joblessless, my 7year old from a previous marriage is a constant jealousy point. I fear that a divorce would get messy and he would become vindictive. My have a baby together n I also fear he would find a way to take her away from me.

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