Do you remember vinyl records? When they had a scratch, the needle would stick in the groove and the same line would sing over and over and over until you moved the needle off the crack. Sometimes we can feel like we have that “broken record” in our heads, repeating negative thought patterns, negative self-talk, doubts, worries. Sometimes it is the voices from our past who told us we would never be good enough, or didn’t try hard enough and now even though that person isn’t here, the voice plays on and on and on.

I remember being a little girl--my hair was curly and my mother put pink ribbons in it. Apparently, I was pretty cute, but I'm certain it's a mothers blessing to honestly believe they have the best looking little ones. That aside, I remember a life in which I was not afraid of the future. I was excited! I had lots and lots of plans, some of them secret and some of them I told everyone I could. When I grew up I wanted to be a doctor and an actress and as pretty as the babysitter who occasionally took care of my siblings and I. I was not afraid of the future; I was still young and pure as only children are. I had not yet been diagnosed with a chronic mental illness.

Addiction is both a societal as well as an individual problem. We have tried to tackle this issue for eons but have not discovered the true root cause of addiction.

We all want to achieve our goals, but the fear of failure can prevent you from getting what you want. When we decide we want to make a change, set a goal, or try something new, we get excited and energized, but often these feelings deflate when the daunting task of taking action sets in. Our self-confidence is often the first thing to fade, and without that, it's hard to achieve our goals. But I've got just the thing to conquer your fear of failure and achieve your goals.

In 1981 a lazy doctor almost killed me. Who knows, maybe he was having a busy day, maybe he was hungry and just trying to get to lunch. Maybe he thought he knew so much about run-of-the-mill infections that he didn’t need to know so much about the unique disposition of individual patients. Whatever the reason, when I needed an antibiotic he failed to read my chart before prescribing a medication that my chart clearly noted as a possible danger. What followed was a nightmare that lasted for over 25 years.

Last night I woke at 2:45 AM from a nightmare drenched in a cold sweat. In the dream, I was trapped at home with my kids, while something strange was going on outside. We had to hide, lest we be shot at through the windows. The worse part was we weren't quite sure what was happening, so we did not know what to do to stop it. All of my nightmares are similar to this one.  I am in the middle of a war zone, hiding-- knowing that at any minute, I will be found by the enemy.

Picture this: you are sitting in your psychiatrist's office and you are probably tapping your foot, and watching while he or she takes notes--- quick and swift notes that seem to determine your fate. I don't think it's ever a comfortable situational, but it is, above all else, an important relationship. Yes, those sometimes irritating conversations in which we explain our damn feelings, well, that's part of our recovery.

There is this whole notion that simply by saying the words, “I’m bipolar” you’re somehow overidentifying with bipolar disorder. In other words, you’re allowing the disease to define who you are. Well, naturally, I find this to be ludicrous and I don’t need to play word games in order to individuate myself as a person. Nevertheless, I admit that bipolar is a huge part of my life and I make no apologies for that. If you were sick every moment of your life it would have quite an impact on you too.

When it comes to the statistics about domestic abuse, it doesn't matter to me how many men to how many women experience domestic violence. Domestic violence is a power issue more than a gender issue. Intimate Partner Violence affects men and women, and I really do not care in what proportion. Domestic violence will not end until no person seeks power over another person, or every person learns to recognize the tactics of control and manipulation early in a relationship so they can make the decision to get out before the abuser hurts them (more). I do not see the day when no person seeks power over another. I believe the majority of people want and work for equitable relationships, but I also believe there will always be those who do not. I think the desire for power over another person is a temptation all of us battle with at times. Some of us win that battle, and some of us lose ourselves in it.

Facing my addiction to alcohol will involve a great deal of facing my past. Like my borderline personality disorder (BPD), my alcoholism did not develop overnight and a large part of the problem lies in past trauma. Just as my BPD will impact my treatment, so will the root of the problem: my past.