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For some reason, I knew drinking a glass of wine at 9:30 in the morning was not a good way to start off the week. I have been struggling, and that includes continuously arguing with that Nazi Brunhilde voice in my head that keeps telling me I am fat and don't deserve to eat. It has been a bad week.
I'm weary. I’ve been living on the wrong side of my stress threshold for a while now. Part of the problem is that my stress threshold is maddeningly low. But part of the problem is that major things keep happening in my personal life lately; things that create enormous stress even for the most mentally healthy among us. As a result, my Dissociative Identity Disorder symptoms have amplified steadily over the last eighteen months. In the words of my fellow blogger Natasha Tracy, “When life gets nasty disease gets nasty too.” She’s right, of course. But I kept thinking, ‘hey, life is really turbulent sometimes and you just have to rise to the occasion.’ I failed to recognize, though, that doing so usually involves letting go of other, less urgent occasions.
Once victims realize they're being abused, many of us immediately think, "I've gotta get out of here!" And the pressure's on the victim to DO something about the situation. Right now. We know abuse victims often return to their abuser many times before leaving (if they do leave). We know our family, friends, and society tells us to "Get Out Now!" We know we want to leave. We know we fear the abuser on many levels as much as we fear being without them. We know that leaving is an option . . . but at what cost? Leaving an abuser is not always an immediately viable option, but everyone outside of ourselves (and our abuser) seems to think you must leave NOW.  When you realize your partner abuses you, the only answer supported by others is you packing your bags and walking away into the "good for me" sunrise. And we victims buy into that idea, and that's when a new kind of self-punishment begins.
If you have trouble working as many of us with bipolar disorder do, volunteering is a practical and purposeful way to contribute and expand on your personal assets. There are many ways and places to contribute and do and feel better.
The adult with ADHD can often lose track of time, especially when becoming hyperfocused on something like expressing their opinion online. If a blog or article sets me off, I will let myself write away, but when I am done I check to make sure I haven't written too much. Sometimes I'll edit it down to a manageable size. Many times I'll just delete the whole thing and move on. I have found that there are moments when the comment isn't worth the time it would take to edit it. Not every ADHD turd can be polished into a shiny comment. Sometimes it's just a rambling turd.
Today is the start of the "Jewish New Year", Rosh HaShana. No matter what your community, there always seems to be a period of time set aside to reflect on what has happened in the past year, how you are going to process it, and how you hope/plan to act on what you learned in the future. Next week the journey continues, during Mental Illness Awareness Week. Maybe those of us living with mental illness in our families can inspire awareness and thought in others, as we consider our own situations. Reflection can lead to realization, and to change.  This is not merely a matter of what has happened to you and to those you love;  it is more a reflection on how you eventually choose to deal with it.
One of the most terrifying things about mental illness is that you can no longer trust what you feel. Oh sure, you feel it just as sure as day, but can you trust it enough to act on it? Not really. At least, not if you want to keep your job, friends, marriage and so on. You can no longer simply feel and act. Now you must feel, think and then contemplate acting. It's exhausting and not a particularly reasonable thing to be expected to do.
I touched on the idea that labels are intrinsically different than stigma in Removing The Labels of Mental Illness. I believe that. Mental illness is, at its core, attached to stigma. Although mental health stigma is weaker than it once was, stigma is damaging nonetheless. But first, let's examine the connection between stigmatizing mental illness and labeling it.
On Monday, I told my psychiatrist that I wanted to start dating again. Since  I said it aloud, it must be true or at least close enough to my conscious mind for it to spill out of my mouth. Though I've had a few bad dates, I haven't had a relationship since before my bipolar diagnosis. So brimming with self-awareness off I go back onto the market...but what am I looking for?
One of the most effective management strategies for minimizing the challenges and symptoms of ADHD is medication. This might not be the most popular statement I have ever made, but research over and over again has shown that ADHD medications can “level the playing field” for adults with ADHD. Medications can be effective in helping adults with ADHD increase their focus on less interesting tasks, reduce impulsivity of actions and words and calm inner restlessness. I often hear clients describe the experience of being on the right medication as similar to having “the fog clearing”, “the water globe settling” or a “light switch being turned on”. They feel more focused, energetic, calm and productive. However, many adults never have the chance to experience the full benefits of ADHD medication due to three problem areas that I call “ADHD medication pitfalls”…taking the wrong medication, the wrong dose or taking medications at the wrong time.

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Comments

Sean Gunderson
Thank you for your interest in my article. I hope that you find some solace in a connection with the Earth.
CJ
I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope you're in a better place now. If you need someone to talk to about it please please reach out to me! Have been in your position before and can say for a fact that it is really really rough. That extends to anyone reading this comment who is having urges or just wants to talk.

my instagram is @chikinntenders or you can email me @ carolinelijia@gmail.com

Just know that you're not alone, and just because you feel like you should be happy doesn't mean you necessarily are. Sending love <3
Claire
Have to keep the minions busy and productive, or they might actually start to really think about living. Addiction to work is a horror story. Much more so than lost love affairs. Maybe Taylor should sing about the busy body syndrome that is killing people.
Natasha Tracy
Hi Mahevash,

Thank you for reading and leaving that comment. I wrote this piece because I know what it's like to beat yourself for not being able to do what the world says we should be able to. I want us all to stop doing that.

I'm honored to help where I can.

-- Natasha Tracy