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Recently I received an email saying, "Now that I'm feeling better from PTSD everything feels so strange. Feeling better feels surreal, and feeling good feels even more surreal. Is this natural in PTSD recovery?"
Yes, it's actually a very common feeling in PTSD recovery. There are some valid reasons why feeling better feels strange, and some easy ways to make feeling better from PTSD feel more normal.
Self-esteem is so important when parenting a child with mental illness. "Mom, I'm abnormal." I froze. as my son said this on the way home from my father's house. After yet ANOTHER difficult conversation with my father about my son's abilities and capabilities, Bob said this on the way home from my father's house. Bob's self-esteem took a hit.
Self-Esteem Shot Down
Bob forgot there was no after-school today and went there anyway instead of staying at school in their program. My father made a big stink about Bob forgetting that and barely acknowledged that Bob did the right thing by calling me and him. Instead of telling Bob what a good job he did, my father fixated only on Bob's forgetfulness. I felt SO bad for Bob. How do you respond when your child says he or she is "abnormal?" How do you help improve your child's self-esteem especially around his or her mental health diagnosis. Here's what I did.
When it comes to mental healthcare, ours is a golden age indeed. Short centuries ago, strange rangers like me would have seen the business end of society’s wrath and suffered mightily. Options included being tortured until cured, or dead, whichever came first, being burned at the stake until cured, or dead, whichever came first, stoning, caning, sarcasm, and ostracism to the far flung hinterlands where jackals stole what little food was available and rendered sleep impossible with their endless howling.
Today, mental health marches across the landscape spreading chuckles, mirth, merriment, guffaws, smirks, chortles, wry little smiles, deep appreciation for the little things of life, and bills. Freedom from the bondage of whackadoomiousness ain’t free, we know that, but most of us are quick to point out that it’s cheap at twice the price – after all, the alternative is intolerable. And so, with global endorsement, lavish funding, and society’s imprimatur, one would imagine that mental healthcare is making tremendous gains, and it is, but not uniformly.
In one of my recent blog posts, The Best Way to Quit Using Drugs, I discussed various means in which an individual could try to arrest his/her addiction. In response to the article, I had two readers comment with opposing points of view. One raised the point that treatments like Suboxone (Buprenorphine) and Methadone have been used to help treat addiction to opioids. The other reader had a more abstinence-based response and stated that one needs to address his/her addiction by kicking the habit “cold turkey.”
I came across this survey from 5 years ago that nearly knocked me right off my chair.
“In a 2008 survey conducted on behalf of the Canadian Medical Association, nearly half (46 per cent) of those polled believed that mental illness isn’t always “real” but rather an excuse for poor behaviour and personal failings.”
It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? You have a life-altering illness that affects the very way your brain works. Do you actually have to tell people that? Do you have to tell people you have bipolar disorder?
Well, like with everything in life, it depends.
The fear caused by abuse is an emotion that can stick with you during abuse and after the abusive relationship is over too. One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts.
You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into "you" in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although "change" is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.
Memory problems are not owned by those of us who live with Adult ADHD, but our disorder can certainly exacerbate things. For me, to be frank, my ears don't always work too good! That's why I write, write, write. Taking notes is one of my number one coping mechanisms to accommodate for my lack of auditory endurance - aka I drift off when people are talking and taking notes provides both a way to stay on task and a way to review later what the heck my teachers, friends etc were talking about.
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...
Those of us dealing with mental illness in our families can't help but occasionally compare where we are to "what might have been." It's human nature, I suppose. While comparison can be inspiring, it can also lead to needless disappointment. And we have had quite enough of that, thank you.
In my most Zen frame of mind, I am happy for others whose children are on their way to six-figure-incomes and a life with a clear timetable for success, love, and growth. In my not-so-Zen moments, I allow myself that twinge of jealousy. For my son Ben can no more help his schizophrenia than I can stop a blizzard.
My mantra for returning to Zennish state, after processing human emotion:
"It is what it is."
But that is not so easy when the human emotion is grief.
Once upon a time, in a land called Bryn Mawr, PA, I was afraid to stand up for my adult ADHD needs. I was first diagnosed my sophomore year and started to receive testing accommodations for my fall semester finals. It was so difficult to accept my adult ADHD diagnosis and even more difficult that I needed something extra to perform at the same level as everyone else. It made me feel less than.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. You are a very caring person, and I commend you for, as Tammy Wynette sings, "Stand(ing) by your man." That aside, I wholeheartedly agree with you that those living with depression may seem selfish to someone on the outside. Still, in reality, they (me also being one of them) think our loved ones would be better off without us around because of our depression. We think we are doing our loved ones a favor by leaving. Depression causes our brains to work in different ways, causing us to think distortedly -- so no, we are not purposefully being selfish. Thank you for seeing that with your loved one and not allowing someone else to convince you otherwise.
Well, eventually, the depression demons took hold and he told me on August 5th 2023 that he decided he wanted to just move to MT and isolate himself from everyone. He had been offered a free place to stay if he did some maintenance. He is very handy and that type of situation was very ideal because it was flexible; he only worked on things on the days he was physically up to it.
We talked every night like "normal" up until he left on April 14th 2023. We had a long distance relationship then and so I didnt get to see him in person often and didnt see him that last week. He told me one last time that he loved me and he was sorry to hurt me and I have not heard from him since. He didnt even tell his parents or sister he was leaving.
I still love him as much as I ever have even though it has been over a year since we last spoke. I just had dinner with a close friend who was always very critical of him because often he would have to cancel plans last minute due to the Crohn's or because he would go dark for weeks at a time. She told me tonight that he is a selfish person and that if he truly loved me he would have gotten help for the depression. Oddly, she has been depressed before and suicidal which you would think would make her more understanding. I asked her if when she contiplated suicide was she selfish? She said yes. I said but are you a selfish person and she said no. I said that was the same for him. Sure him leaving me and his family was "selfish" but at his core, is he selfish? Absolutely not. She thinks because she was able to conquer her depression that if he really loved me, he would have fought his depression. It makes me sad to think she cant see the amazing guy that is buried under the depression. I know, without a doubt, if he did get a handle on the depression, that he would NOT be selfish at all. It is hard to understand why others cant see the true person under the depression.
I hope those that are struggling know that not everyone will abandon you in your time of suffering. There are people out there that see the real you and would do anything to help.
I encourage all those suffering from depression to not only tell your loved ones what you are going through, but also to seek professional help. And for those of you who love a person suffering from depression, have compassion and understanding for their struggle. Know they do not intentionally hurt you and deep down they still love you even if they cant show it.
Thanks for reading.
p.s. I also struggle with depression and anxiety but I did get help and between medication and coping techniques, I am able to be myself again.
From the story you told, it sounds like you know when your partner's alters switch.
I'm sorry this was written in the first/second person. But maybe apply this to your situation with a grain of salt.