Sometimes, I feel I have to either be vigilant about not contracting COVID or be vigilant about my schizoaffective disorder/mental health. I have to be vigilant about both, of course, but this can be a struggle.

Having Schizoaffective Disorder and Living in the Age of a Pandemic

This article is hard to write because there are so many ways and reasons that COVID affects my mental health. I usually pay very little attention to the news (for the sake of my schizoaffective disorder), but I do know that the pandemic has been affecting people’s mental health globally.

A recent event in the latest COVID communications that has been aggravating my anxiety is that now people aren’t supposed to wear cloth masks. We’re supposed to wear surgical masks or, better yet, KN95s. This has been gaining traction for a while, but I just heard about it. That means I can’t wear my Starry Night by Van Gogh mask anymore. I ordered some KN95s over the Internet a few days ago. I also ordered a Tori Amos button to affix to my purse. I’m a little more excited about receiving the button.

COVID is a lot to handle, even if you haven’t gotten sick yourself. I don’t need to tell you this--I have a past of being paranoid about getting COVID. I’ve been very good at taking measures to avoid it. I got vaccinated; I got boosted; I wear masks. But by the time my fancy pants masks arrive, the science data (After all, we’re supposed to follow the science, right?) might have changed again, and suddenly I can go back to wearing my Van Gogh mask. I don’t mean to mock the idea of following the science, especially since I strive to do just that, but it feels a lot like the science is ever-evolving with the crisis, and change never ends.

I’m Schizoaffective, and I’ve Had Enough of the Pandemic

Another recent event in COVID is that in Cook County, the county home for Chicago and the county where I live, we’re now mandated to show our vaccination cards along with identification at restaurants and gyms. It really shouldn’t be a big deal, but my schizoaffective anxiety turns it into one. I now keep my vaccination card inside a notebook in my purse. I keep it in the notebook so that it doesn’t bend inside my purse. It’s the notebook I used to use for making my checklist for when I leave the apartment. Is the space heater off? Is the door locked? Well, since I now keep my vaccination card in the same place, I’m afraid to write out the list because I’m afraid that my vaccination card will fall into the snow. So, I’ve been making a mental list, which I admit has been working.

I don’t want to come off as throwing shade on the government and other people trying to protect me. It comes down to the fact that all of us, people with schizoaffective disorder, doctors, scientists, and elected officials have been dealing with this pandemic for two years now. Everyone’s had more than enough. But, guess what? It’s too bad if we’ve had enough. People are through with the pandemic. The trouble is, the pandemic isn’t through with us. I’ve heard other people say that. It’s true.

It can be extremely tough to talk about mental illness, especially for individuals who suffered abuse and self-stigma, who may not feel comfortable being vulnerable. When you start the conversation about emotional wellbeing and mental health treatments, unfortunately, many individuals still prefer to avoid the subject entirely. Being open and honest with others outside of my close circle about my mental health is still a struggle for me most days. 

Self-Stigma After Abuse Caused by Low Self-Esteem and Vulnerability 

Vulnerability and self-esteem go hand in hand. When individuals do not feel confident or comfortable about themselves, they try to avoid situations that expose them or make them vulnerable. As a victim of verbal abuse, I know first-hand how I have deliberately made choices to avoid putting myself out into situations that may expose my emotions. I self-stigmatize when thinking that other people won't understand the mental illnesses and mental health problems I developed because of the abuse, so I stay quiet instead of being vulnerable.

However, as I continue therapy and grow, I am beginning to take chances and branch out. I'm doing things I would never have done before and enjoying all the new experiences that come with being brave as I become more familiar with the fact that I am not useless, worthless, or a waste. 

It Takes Time to Heal Self-Stigma After Abuse

Unfortunately, I still have a lot of work to do with my therapists (yes, I have two different professional therapists to help with alternative healing methods) and on my own. It has taken more than three years of intense work on my part to make even the slight progress to where I am now. 

I still have so much I carry with me that many individuals close to me do not know about. Someday I may elaborate on the passive suicidal ideation that plagued me for some time, but I am just not at that point yet. However, I still fear what others may think or say about me if they become aware of these extremely low points in my life. Would they still want to go for coffee or hang out on the weekend? Would they talk about me behind my back to others? I know these things should not bother me since I cannot control what other people think or say, and I should not rely too heavily on approval from others. But as a victim of abuse, seeking approval is the backbone of belonging and acceptance. It's a hard habit to break. 

There are good days when I won't care what someone says or thinks about me. But I also have those bad days that roll in like a dark cloud, covering me and changing my perception. It will take time for the good days to outnumber the bad, but I'm slowly moving forward to this goal. 

It can be tempting to self-harm to escape from something you feel otherwise unable to cope with. It's not an uncommon trigger, one many of us struggle with frequently. But it is a temptation worth resisting; there are better ways to cope.

Self-Harm as an (Unhealthy) Escape

When the going gets tough, sometimes it really gets tough. Molehills become mountains that seem impossible to climb, and potential disappointments suddenly appear inevitable. It's natural, during these times, to long for a way out. For some of us, using self-harm as an escape seems like a solution—perhaps the only one.

Everyone's story is different; I won't presume to try and tell yours. But in my case, when I get overwhelmed, I feel trapped. It's like standing in a room without doors or windows. It's suffocating, claustrophobic.

The first, obvious thing to try is breaking through the wall, but if you feel powerless—a common side effect of overwhelm—it's easy to convince yourself you lack the power to do so and stop yourself from even trying. So there you are, stuck with no way out and no tools to make a way out. What do you do?

You do what prisoners do. Unable to physically escape, you do whatever you can to mentally escape. For some of us, myself included, self-harm is a means of inducing relief—however fleeting—after long days spent struggling in silence. It feels, briefly, like opening a door where there wasn't one before.

But that's the vital thing to remember: it doesn't actually offer a way out. It just lets you pretend to escape. But all the while, you're still stuck exactly where you started, only worse off than before.

What to Do Instead of Using Self-Harm to Escape

If you feel the walls closing in as you read this, stop. Take a few minutes to step away from your phone, tablet, or computer and breathe. (Seriously, try a breathing exercise—it really does help.)

Congratulations, you've already taken your first step toward freedom.

How? Using your breath instead of using self-harm to escape a difficult situation is one of the easiest ways to cope healthily with overwhelm. If one breathing exercise doesn't work, there are myriad others to try—go with whatever feels most natural and soothing to you.

If you're ready to take another step, consider trying any of the following, either right now or in the nearest future possible:

• Guided meditation or urge surfing
• Yoga, walking, or other light exercise
• Journaling or other creative outlets
• Spending some time, even a few minutes, in nature
• Checking something simple off of your to-do list
• Listening to music that makes you feel happy and/or relaxed

The first hurdle in overcoming an overwhelming situation is to get that sense of overwhelm under control. Once you're calmer, you can think more clearly, and problem-solve more effectively. It's a tempting step to skip, but don't!

Next, I would strongly recommend reaching out to someone. I know you may have heard this a dozen times already, but it's for good reason. A therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional can help you not only with avoiding using self-harm as a coping method, but also help you work through the situation that you're seeking an escape from. Depending on the issue you are struggling with, there may also be hotlines you can call for help as well.

If you absolutely cannot (or are not ready to) connect with a professional or call a hotline at this time, at least consider whether there is someone in your life whom you trust enough to share your feelings with. Sometimes you just need an outside perspective to figure out the best solution to your problem. Even if this person cannot offer you any new solutions, simply being able to talk through your issue with them may help you gain the calm and clarity necessary to find an answer on your own.

Anyone who has read my blog for any amount of time knows that music plays a powerful, indescribably important role in my life. In the past, I’ve specifically discussed my love of metal music and how listening to metal music helps my mental health. I want to use this post to discuss music in a more general sense, as I believe no matter what kind of music you love and listen to, you can and will get something positive out of it.

Why Music Is Powerful

Catharsis is a term that most readers probably have some familiarity with. Deriving its current meaning from the ancient philosopher Aristotle, catharsis essentially suggests that art has the ability to purge the mind of powerful emotions that have been built up or repressed. When Aristotle used the term, he was specifically talking about the theater, but I believe that it can be applied to any art form or medium, whether it be a film, a book, or in this case, music.¹

In fact, music may be the greatest form of art in terms of its sheer ability to cause catharsis in its listeners. Other forms of art, by their nature, have to rely on other forms of communication to convey their meaning. For instance, literature and film (through dialogue) use language, and language needs to be understood by the reader/viewer to a certain degree if they are going to get anything out of what they are reading/watching.

Music does not have to worry about this – its meaning is simply apparent every time you listen. I don’t have to “know” anything about the classical tradition in an intellectual sense to be profoundly moved when I listen to, say, Beethoven’s Ninth. This ability to be so immediately impactful is, to me, unique to music and why I believe it is the most powerful of the arts.

Music and Mental Health

So what does this mean for mental health? It means that if you are feeling anxious or stressed out, the best thing you can do in the short term is put on a song that you find emotionally moving. It doesn’t have to be metal like I would certainly do – any genre would work, as long as you find it moving.

Its power of immediacy means that whatever song you choose could have the power to have a positive impact on you within seconds. If you’re in a particularly vulnerable position, every minute counts, so to have a form of art that can begin to work instantaneously is valuable.

Honestly, if you need to, lay down and just listen for as long as you need to. During particularly dark spells, I will do this for hours, and I find it among the only things that can help me. It may not make my problems disappear, but to be able to do something that can so quickly make me feel even a little bit better is profoundly valuable.

Source

1. Encyclopedia Britannica, Catharsis. Accessed February 1, 2022.

See Also

• "What Is Music Therapy? Can It Benefit Your Mental Health?"

The journey to better self-esteem is a lengthy but empowering process. In my experience, understanding my own identity was a great kick-starter for that process. I will continue to work through how that helped me. Today, I'll cover the second step: sharing your identity with others.

How I Learned to Share My Identity

In my last post, I shared some of the qualities that make me who I am. Now that I've identified those qualities, I'll show you how I took it a step further. My biggest fear was being made fun of for something that made me happy. Let's talk about Legos, for example. I worried that my friends would think I was childish for enjoying them.

I mentioned the idea to my roommates and was shocked by their response. It turned out all three of them liked Legos and building model sets. We all picked up a set that week and spent a night building them together in the living room. We had a blast and laughed the whole time. The point of this example is to show that I spent so much time worrying about judgment for who I was that I didn't even consider other people could enjoy those things too.

Opening Up About Myself Changed the Game

This moment opened a significant door for me. I realized that if I started authentically loving what made me who I am, those around me would love me for it too. I opened up about my music taste and found friends who loved those artists. I rekindled relationships through exercise. Most importantly, I bonded with others by being myself. This realization allowed me to love and appreciate everything that made me who I am and feel comfortable in my relationships because they finally felt genuine.

How to Share Your Own Identity

Over the next two weeks, my goal is to share something I enjoy with a friend. While that may seem intimidating, I encourage you to take that leap of faith, too. You may be pleasantly surprised by the common interests you have with those around you. It was eye-opening for me and could be for you as well.

I hope my process is of some help to you. If you feel comfortable doing so, feel free to share your experience with me in the comments after you've tried sharing your identity. You can also suggest topics you'd like me to cover or struggles you have during this journey. I'm always here to help.

It's been more than 10 years since I took those first reluctant, clumsy steps into the eating disorder healing process. But even now, after all this time, eating disorder recovery is still a series of both ebbs and flows. As someone who wants a clear line of demarcation to signal the end of this path to recovery, it's frustrating that no such finish line seems to be in sight.

However, in my own experience, healing is continuous—marked by triumphs and failures, revelations and uncertainties, forward leaps, and brutal setbacks. If you are also frustrated or exhausted by this often repetitive cycle, please know it's normal to feel that way. I can empathize, considering I'm in this mental space right now. But hear me out: these ebbs and flows do not make recovery a hopeless cause. 

Acknowledge Both the Ebbs and Flows in Eating Disorder Recovery

The phrase "ebb and flow" comes from the recurring movement of ocean tides. An ebb state is when the water recedes from the shoreline, and a flow state is when those water levels rise once again. So when it comes to eating disorder recovery, I think of ebbs as the seasons when my motivation and resolve to stay the course are on a sharp decline. However, because this pattern is circular, after an ebb comes the flow—a period of regrowth when I learn from my own fumbles and orient my footsteps back on the path of healing.

When I feel myself being swept in the current of a recovery ebb, I think it's important to find the balance of equal compassion and accountability. I make an effort not to shame or berate myself for this setback, but I don't excuse or minimize the harmful impact of my choices and behaviors either. It might take some time, but eventually, this approach returns me to a flow state, so I can continue making strides in a healthy, positive direction. Eating disorder recovery is a series of both ebbs and flows, so the more I acknowledge this reality, the better equipped I am to ride out those turbulent waves—just to extend the metaphor.

Breathe Through the Ebbs and Flows of Eating Disorder Recovery

This fluctuation between ebbs and flows can feel emotionally jarring and chaotic sometimes. So because eating disorder recovery is a series of both ebbs and flows, I need an accessible coping mechanism to reach for in those moments when the chaos threatens to overwhelm me. I find breathwork to be such an effective tool, and my therapist taught me a variation called "tap and breathe." If you are not familiar with this technique but want to incorporate it into your own healing process, I will demonstrate it as best I can in the video below.

How do you cope with the series of ebbs and flows in eating disorder recovery? What helps to regulate your emotions and calm your mental state? In your own experience, do you find it relatively simple to course-correct after a setback in the healing process, or is it difficult for you to recalibrate in a healthier direction? Please share in the comment section. 

Is there a difference between overeating and binge eating? During my eating disorder recovery, I didn't know anyone else who was openly struggling with binge eating or overeating, so I didn't know which category I fit under. Now I know I've experienced both overeating (as most people have) and binge eating. The labels might seem arbitrary, but there are distinctions between overeating and binge eating.

Overeating and Binge Eating: The Differences

Overeating is what it sounds like; you eat beyond the point where you would typically stop. You might overeat during special occasions, holidays, and periods of stress or overwhelming emotions. You might overeat alone or with other people. Overeating by itself can also become a habit.

If you struggle to stop overeating, you might wonder if you have a binge eating disorder (BED). According to National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), BED is one of the most common eating disorders in the United States.¹ Since BED is recognized as a diagnosable eating disorder, the criteria for binge eating is distinguished from overeating to be formally diagnosed. 

According to NEDA, the symptoms of BED include:

• Eating large quantities of food in a condensed time 
• Eating faster than normal
• Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
• Eating alone out of embarrassment or wanting privacy
• Feeling shame, guilt, depression, and/or disgust after episodes of eating
• Binge eating occurs at least once a week for three months
• A loss of control while eating is experienced

If you've overeaten before, these symptoms will sound familiar. Binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating are often used interchangeably to describe these symptoms above. It can be confusing to separate overeating and binge eating into separate categories since the symptoms overlap. 

All the symptoms listed above for BED are characteristic of a binge, but I think the most important symptom of BED to address is loss of control. Overeating can be motivated by many things like taste, stress, hunger. But there is a point that crosses from overeating to binge eating; when you lose the ability to stop yourself from eating more, beyond comfort.

Losing Control During Binge Eating

It's easier for me to distinguish between overeating and binge eating because I've experienced both. When I overeat, I might keep going back to get another cookie, but eventually, I'm satisfied, and there are cookies still left in the jar. 

Binge eating feels like being in an out-of-control state of mind. During a binge, I would not stop until the all food was gone. Often, I would eat so quickly that I would barely taste or enjoy the food. If I ate one cookie, I would not stop until all of them were gone, even if it made me sick. 

Even if you don't meet the diagnostic criteria from BED, that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. If your eating habits are affecting your life and mood, there is a world of support available. You don't need to worry about "not being sick enough" to ask for help from the people who care about you. These experiences with food are more common than we realize. Don't be afraid to share your own experiences.

Source

1. National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), "Binge Eating Disorder." Accessed January 31, 2022.

When I was undiagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and I'd gotten into arguments with romantic partners, I regularly found myself unable to form a coherent sentence. I wanted to say so many things, but trying to transfer those thoughts from my head to my mouth left me feeling like I'd eaten a too-large spoonful of mashed potatoes and was now being asked to sing the national anthem live on television. My body would tense with anxiety. My mind would be a chaotic whirlwind of TV static, and when I opened my mouth, all that came out was a long, irritating beep letting everyone know the channel was not accessible. 

I'd misremember details in the heat of the moment or forget things entirely, which only made my partners angrier and me increasingly anxious. All perspectives of moments that weren't the present one faded away, and I felt like I had to fix the issue right then and there, or we would never resolve it. I couldn't reason — I could only comprehend my emotions.

ADHD Affects Your Emotions in Relationships

As identified by Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD), emotional dysregulation is a common symptom of ADHD in adults, but it's not talked about as often as some of the more "obvious" ones, such as hyperactivity and inattentiveness.¹ Essentially, emotional dysregulation means that those of us with ADHD don't have brains that properly manage our emotions, causing us to experience our feelings in a disproportionately intense way. This could mean that we're overexcited for, say, a big concert we're attending, or it could mean that we have extra difficulty following a confusing situation. Whatever the emotion is — good or bad — we feel it more intensely.

So, when we're in a fight with a romantic partner, many of us experience several strong emotions very intensely, like a flood of feelings so overwhelming we might drown. We might be hurt, scared, angry, upset, defensive, offended, jealous, or any combination of those and more. These feelings are so intense, though, that they essentially turn our brains and mouths to mush. It's a sensory overload on a mental scale, and it often makes the conversation purely one-sided, stacked against us.

How can we possibly convey an articulate point when we can't even form a basic thought? 

When an ex and I got into fights about, for example, my jealousy over her relationship with someone else, I regularly forgot the minute details of our previous conversations. I also did a bad job of hiding my jealousy, and no matter how many conversations we had about the situation, I couldn't help feeling like we didn't make any progress. It boiled down to her assuring me I had no reason to worry, but nothing changed, and the lack of change did everything but reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. So, when jealousy crept in, there was nothing I could do about it.

After the fourth argument about this, she was, understandably, frustrated. 

How to Handle Emotional Dysregulation from ADHD in a Relationship

Obviously, relationships are more nuanced than just one fight or one situation, and I know now, looking back, that in many of our arguments, I wasn't wrong for feeling how I felt. The difficulty is that, in the moment, it's hard for us to tell. Because many of us have difficulty remembering details or keeping calm in high-stress situations, it's easy to blame ourselves and feel like, yes, they're right, we are the problem. 

That obviously isn't always true, though, and it's important that we acknowledge that. In my experience, these are techniques that have worked for me in having those difficult conversations without losing track of them:

• Take time to think things over. When you separate yourself from the argument and gather your thoughts, you can more coherently put them together.
• Write things down. It may seem strange to "take notes" during an argument, but it will help you remember what's going on.
• Explain to your partner that you're in a heightened state and need space. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a highly misunderstood condition, so being open and communicative about what's happening in your head can make a huge difference.
• Know that it's okay if you need to convey your feelings over text. Sometimes, it's easier to be coherent this way, and that doesn't mean you care less.

Emotional dysregulation was a symptom I had no idea about before my diagnosis, and if I'd known about it years ago, things might have gone differently with some of my relationships. Hopefully, this advice was helpful, and if you've felt the way I have in arguments, hopefully, you found some solace in knowing you're not alone. 

Source

1. Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD), "Emotions Feel Like Too Much? It Could Be a Symptom of ADHD." Accessed February 1, 2022.

When you are chronically anxious, one of the effects you might often deal with is feeling exhausted. Depending on the situation, if I have experienced a very stressful situation, I tend to feel exhausted when my body starts to wind down from the physical effects of stress. And so, I might find myself quite fatigued from anxiety, but at the same time, I might have a hard time sleeping as well, also because of anxiety. So it becomes a cycle of inadequate sleep and anxiety that seems to be never-ending. Then, if I haven't gotten a good night's rest for a long time, what I find is that I deal with the effects of fatigue. This includes having a hard time concentrating and having a hard time focusing. I also find that it affects my memory, and it affects my mood as well. Ultimately, fatigue can affect me in several ways.

Feeling Exhausted from Anxiety

From my experience, anxiety can make you feel exhausted for many reasons. For example, I know that when I am anxious, I deal with quite a bit of muscle tension. My muscles are tight, especially around my neck and shoulder area, and this may even contribute to headaches.

Also, I have found that other physical symptoms of anxiety can contribute to feelings of exhaustion. For example, a racing heart rate and shortness of breath are physical symptoms that are a part of our body being prepared to fight, flight, or freeze when we are anxious. When our bodies are on high alert like this, it can be difficult to relax. I have found this to be particularly problematic when I am trying to fall asleep.

Another reason is simply having a constant racing mind. In my experience, when you are often anxious, your brain is constantly working, thinking, overthinking about everything, worrying about everything, or dwelling on memories of the past. This is something I have struggled with. You may find that your brain just doesn't stay quiet, and this chaotic mind is not conducive to being relaxed. As a result, you might find that you feel just so tired from all of this anxious activity.

How to Help Yourself When You Are Exhausted from Anxiety

So, I have found that the key is in calming my system. I must find ways to calm my anxious mind and find ways to relax. Here are some ways to help yourself when you are exhausted from anxiety:

1. Use strategies to get enough sleep. Getting enough sleep, in my experience, can not only prevent fatigue, but it can help your physical symptoms of anxiety as well. It can also improve your mood and help you to be more resilient to stressful situations throughout the day. This can be hard when you go through this cycle of not getting enough sleep that affects your anxiety and vice versa. Establishing a bedtime routine, turning off electronics, and using mindfulness are all strategies that can be helpful for sleep.
2. Take care of yourself physically. I have found that getting regular exercise not only helps relieve anxiety but helps improve your mood. It also helps my muscle tension and improves my sleep. Eating well, I have found, can also help your mood so that you feel more consistent energy levels that contribute to a more stable mood. I have found that being mindful of my food choices is beneficial for my mood, which then helps to decrease my anxiety.
3. Talk to someone you trust. From my experience, I have also found that expressing your emotions and your anxious thoughts to a close friend, a professional, or even your journal, can be beneficial as well. Not only can this help you process your emotions and problem-solve, but this can also help to relax you as you express your anxious thoughts. This is an important strategy that I use that has been so important for me.

Try these strategies to help you experience less exhaustion related to your anxiety. Are there strategies you use to combat exhaustion? If so, share them in the comments below.