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Over the last couple of weeks, I've been working on a new character trait -- being more assertive. Low self-esteem often makes me feel like being assertive is a bad thing. It can feel like I'm outright mean when that's not the case.
When I struggle with disordered eating behavior, specifically binge eating disorder (BED), I am usually fixated on thinking about the future. Fear and worry dominate whenever I try to control my food intake or comfort myself with food. The fear of the unknown triggers my binge eating disorder symptoms.
I recently went through a challenging period and didn't realize the seriousness of the events on my mental health until I physically reacted to my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms. It's not uncommon that my body knows something is up before I do.
Not long ago, my therapist asked me to think about my anxiety triggers. I thought about the multiple triggers that lead me to feel anxious, and I realized that one of them is illness, whether it is my own or that of someone I care about. 
Like almost everybody else on earth, I seek out like-minded people to interact with. Sometimes, I find like-minded people by accident. Sometimes, I encounter people afflicted by adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and we share our ADHD experiences.
Many days I suffer from what feels like an endless urge to cry. I wake up, and the first thing I may have is an urge to cry. I make coffee -- same thing. I sit down to work, and the urge is still here. You'll note that, at this point, nothing has happened in my day to cause this; I simply have an undeniable urge to cry.
If you have a past riddled with verbal abuse like me, you may know how difficult it is to find happiness in your life. Prolonged abuse may have changed how you perceive the world and the actions of those around you. You may be hesitant when someone is nice to you or feel unworthy of love and affection. However, everyone deserves a life of happiness, and it is possible.
Feeling guilty about self-harm scars isn't uncommon—but it isn't necessary, either. Accepting your scars takes time, but it's an important part of healing.
I can't stop insulting myself. I'm depressed, and that's one of the things that I do when I'm depressed. The insults I say at myself are unbelievably harsh and things I would never say to anyone else. But even though I know that it's the depression, and even though I know that it's negative and harmful, I just can't stop insulting myself.
I've never considered myself a perfectionist. My handwriting is messy, and my closet is cluttered. I can't cook or draw. I sing off-key, and I can't visualize. As a flawed human being, I accept imperfection. Why, then, does my anxiety spike, and I feel as though I am to blame when things go wrong or when I perceive myself as having disappointed others?

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Comments

Elizabeth Caudy
HI, Brooklyn-- Thanks for your comment. I am sorry you struggle so much with OCD and washing your hair. But kudos on finding creative ways to do it anyway! I know that's not easy. I wish you well. Elizabeth
Mary-Elizabeth Schurrer
Hi LAA,

Thank you so much for reaching out to share your experience. As the blogger here at "Surviving ED," as well as someone who has dealt with anorexia for almost 20 years (the last five of those years spent in eating disorder recovery), I can empathize how you feel. I know how much courage and vulnerability is takes to be honest about where you are currently at in the healing process. I also know how uncomfortable it can be to submit to the advice of a therapist or nutritionist when you have been living with the mindset and behaviors of an eating disorder for so long. The ultimate decision to heal is yours, but I would encourage you to continue seeking out the help of trained clinicians and listening to their expertise. I understand this is hard, but I want to commend you for making an effort. If you would like more information or resources, please check out the HealthyPlace Eating Disorders Community page (https://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders) or our list of confidential hotline and referral numbers (https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…). Once again, thank you for sharing.

Sincerely,
Mary-Elizabeth Schurrer
"Surviving ED" Blogger
Fynn
yeah. someone outed me to my teachers and now they are gonna call home and im terrifed
Haille Lien
To Chrissy M.-I am 15 and just made my First Holy Communion this past sunday,May 21st,2023 in the class of 7 year olds. I was dressed as a little girl also in a short sleeve,poofy,knee length communion dress and veil with gloves,lace anklets and white patent leather shoes.After my bath,i laid naked on my bed and mom baby powdered me then pinned a 10 ply thick cloth diaper on me,then put white,crinkly,adult size rubberpants on me over the diaper,followed by a plain white tee shirt and tucked it into the waist of the rubberpants.I put the lace anklets and shoes on next,then my dress and veil were put on me next.I felt very pure and little girlish in my outfit and when mom brought me out to show dad,the rubberpants crinkled under my dress!! At the parish before the ceremony,several of my friends remarked how cute i looked as a 'little girl' and they lifted up my dress and checked out my diaper and rubberpants. Even some teen boys saw the diaper and rubberpants under my dress and told me i looked cute!At my party,my dress was also lifted up and every saw the diaper and rubberpants! I felt very little girlish!
Brooklyn
I have OCD, and a lot of my intrusive thoughts and compulsions are about my hair. I pull my hair out, but what relates to this article is I am afraid of washing my hair because I have intrusive thoughts of when my hands get wrinkled from being wet they are softer, and I imagine them getting cut all over from washing my hair. For this reason, I can’t wash my hair normally. I always wash my hair in a separate shower from washing my body to avoid any unnecessary time to get my hands wrinkled. When I am washing my hair I wear plastic gloves and I use hairbrush to wash my hair. I just picked t the shampoo on the brush and act as if I am brushing my hair. This fear also makes me afraid of swimming because I don’t want to touch my hair, and I feel embarrassed every time I use the back of my hands to push hair out of my face.