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Over the past several months, I've been writing about ways to boost self-esteem at a comfortable pace. I find that working at your own speed and setting achievable goals will help set anyone up for self-esteem success. Today, I'd like to talk about something different I tried recently. I want to talk about how challenging myself affected my self-esteem.
Recently a friend ruined my mental health. Well, a friend combined with preexisting bipolar disorder, ruined my mental health. I don't believe in blaming people for mental health problems, per se; but, sometimes people do things that are so damaging, a change in mental health really is pretty much their fault. So, what do you do when a friend ruins your mental health?
This might seem like a bold, hyperbolic claim, but it just so happens to be true: I have no regrets about my eating disorder. Of course, there are some behaviors I am not proud of, relationships I have worked fiercely to restore, and memories I still flinch at. But in terms of actual regret, I simply think it's a wasted emotion. While I have absolutely no desire to relive those 15 years of battling anorexia, this formative chapter in my life transformed me into who I am right now—a person for whom I feel genuine love and respect. So if you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I will unpack why I have no regrets about my eating disorder.
On July 16th, 2022, the new three-digit Suicide and Mental Health Crisis Hotline went into full effect. The transition from a 10-digit number to the more convenient and memorable 988 is a positive step toward adequate and widely-accessible mental health resources for all. Moreover, the hotline is no longer solely for suicidal individuals but open to anyone facing a mental health crisis. The overall messaging behind this change is perhaps the most impactful. We hear you; we see you; we'll show you not only through our words but through our actions.
Many individuals, including myself, can take notice of subtleties later when they are no longer the object of verbal abuse. It shocks me as I look back and replay many of these instances in my head. There were several reasons why, however, I never recognized it as abusive, which led me to remain in the same situation for years.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is the first major mood disorder I suffered from as a kid. However, I did develop early symptoms of bipolar disorder as a teen as well, and that later led to schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a very extreme form of what is commonly known as premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Untreated, I don’t have minor bouts of irritability or sadness during my period--I have full-on depression accompanied by suicidal thoughts. The way I treat my PMDD is with birth control pills.
We all experience cycles or patterns of behavior that we want to change. Those of us who have experienced binge eating disorder (BED), or eating disorders in general, know the pain and frustration that is felt when you are trapped in a cycle of disordered, destructive eating. It is especially frustrating when you try to recover and leave behind your old cycles and patterns and you realize you're still stuck in a binge eating cycle.
I didn't get a say in my birth. My mother and father took the executive decision to procreate without my input, and I landed on the scene in the April of 1985 before I could register any objections. Upon my arrival, the doctors deduced a few things: I was a boy. I was healthy. And, given the amount of wailing and thrashing, I appeared mildly inconvenienced by this whole birth scenario. For nearly 32 years after that, the doctors didn't miss much--except to diagnose me with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Before I knew anything about borderline personality disorder (BPD) or antidepressants, I knew that pharmaceutical drugs were bad. Or, at least that's what I was told growing up. I learned from a young age not to trust therapists or doctors. Doctors wanted to poison your body, and therapists wanted to poison your mind. Why would I think that? Well, because then it would be easier for them to control you.
Something I have found about having chronic anxiety is that this often leads to avoiding triggers, which includes avoiding conflict. For example, you might find it difficult to set boundaries in a relationship, or you might find that you've been putting off having a difficult conversation with your supervisor at work. For me, this might look like walking away from arguments or being as diplomatic as possible in an interaction with someone to avoid some sort of conflict.

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Comments

Natasha Tracy
Hi Rebecca,

Thank you for your comment. You're right; what I stated was an opinion. There is no way to know that number with any accuracy.

And, in case you were wondering, I actually do have bipolar disorder and have been writing about it for 20 years.

Thanks.

-- Natasha Tracy
Rebecca
I don't think it's very ethical to say something like "this is true for 99.9 percent of people" in this blog post. There is no citation here and that is not an accurate statistic. If your goal is to provide information to help people, lying to them isn't the way to go. Do better. -someone who actually has a background in psychology and behavioral health, and living with bipolar disorder.
Brandi P.
I am 19 and babysit for a bedwetting 15 year old girl.She too wears cloth diapers and rubberpants to bed everynight.She has about 5 dozen pairs of adult size rubberpants and the majority of them are in pink,yellow,blue,white and babyprints.She likes the babyprint kind the best! When i have to babysit her,i have to put the diapers and rubberpants on her before bedtime and she takes a pair of her babyprint rubberpants out of her drawer and lays them beside her diapers.The rubberpants fit her blousy over her diapers and with the babyprint rubberpants on she looks like a baby!She just recieved her Sacrement of Confirmation[9thgrade] this past sunday,June 4th and had to wear a white ankle length dress and veil with white knee hi stockings and white shoes..I went to her party and she lifted up her dress and showed me the pair of her babyprint rubberpants she had on under her dress and told me she wanted to wear them.So to answer your question,i do feel that babyprint rubberpants are appropriate for girls 13 to 15 to wear over their bedwetting diapers!
Deidre Lombard
I find that when people upset me and I start crying I become so ill. For weeks after I am so anxious and fall into a pit of depression which I cant get out. I feel like this right now. What I do is put people out of my life who upset me. My daughter tells me I am alienating people that I love as a coping mechanism. I just cant allow people to upset me as I become very ill. I feel like this for weeks. I cant understand why crying makes me feel ill for so long.
Donna
First, thank you for your balanced reasoning. Most articles, especially by mental health professionals, urge reunification, often citing the distress that must be endured by all parties. I was diagnosed with more than one serious mental illness in my late 30s even though they began at age 8. As a result of all those decades of dealing with MI alone, the symptoms naturally only became more entrenched and I became more dissociated and emotionally dysregulated. My family chose denial as a coping mechanism, and toxic positivity, and religious escapism -- they still do. My parents are now dead and I have a brother and sister who are still alive. We are in our 60s and 70s. I am 65 and 3 yrs ago chose total estrangement from my siblings because it was much more distressful to stay in contact with them than to be alone. I can't say I am happy that I'm alone, but I have much greater peace of mind now that we are not seeing each other regularly. My brother is simply emotionally distant and doesn't want to know anything, and my sister insists I am well and am choosing to hurt her. But I am not responsible for their wellness, I am responsible for my own. I freely admit: I am avoidant, depressed, anxious, and suffer from PTSD from an abusive marriage I ended years ago.. Plus the aftermath of a life with schizophrenia and possible elements of bipolar disorder. I owe it to myself to take the best possible care of myself and to enjoy the 4th quarter of my life as I see fit, not remain attached to family members simply because we are related by blood. It is unfortunate, yes, but necessary. I tried other measures before choosing estrangement and the results were not acceptable. Thank you again for addressing this matter with compassion.