Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.
I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).
3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID
As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:
- Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
- Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
- Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You
Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.
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Photo by Randy Pagatpatan
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, May 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2011/01/for-partners-living-with-dissociative-identity-disorder
Author: Holly Gray
You, as you are right now, deserve to be in a forever relationship. It is an option but, depending on your triggers and the severity of your dissociation, the relationship may look different that other relationships. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. I've been diagnosed a little over a year. We just realized that we will never have a "normal" sex life (due to the type of abuse I endured). We can grow in emotional intimacy, which we have been doing this past year. My husband and I are also in marriage counseling, which I consider very necessary to us making it. He needs time to process his fears and frustrations in a safe environment just as much as I do.
But, the bigger question that I think you are asking is about your worthiness after being abused. The only way I can wrap my head around it is to think about someother little girl. If a little girl is abused.....Does a little girl deserve the abuse? Did the little girl cause the abuse? Does the abuse mean that she is unclean? The answer to each of these questions is a resounding and loud NO. The little girl did absolutely nothing wrong at all. She was being little and cute and totally innocent. You, Jen, are acceptable now, you, Jen, are a whole person worthy of love and acceptance. What was done to me and to you was horrendous, and causes us to have to work exceptionally hard at life. But, yes, we are worthy of love. And yes, DID makes close relationships difficult....but not impossible.
One thing that I have had to accept is that my husband has had a lot of growing, changing, and learning to do through this journey too. His learning and changing couldn't have happened unless he walked this journey with me through DID. He has learned that throughout our marriage he has blamed me for anything wrong in our marriage where the truth is that it was his lack of care and concern for someone other than himself that caused a lot of his anger and discomfort. He has come a long way in this past year. Before this, he never valued emotional intimacy. Now, he counts it as just as valuable as sexual intimacy.
Also, I want say that after I was first diagnosed that things were quite difficult. But now, things have settled into a bit of a routine and although we go through difficult times they are not as long lasting as before. Please know that you are worthy, valuable, and not stained. You have wounds that with help can heal.
You definitely deserve to, we all do no matter what. I'm no expert in anything, I don't have DID, but I do love a girl who does have it. My advice is to focus on doing everything you can for your own stability and enjoy life, and I believe you'll meet kind, supportive, and understanding people. From there one who will love you as you are, however that happens to be.
I was diagnosed with DID over a year ago...completely sunk my battleship. I am working with a great therapist who is helping me find my sense of balance. He knows of why I split...the reasons are many...and there was documentation of the last of it...though I don't have any solid recollection...just flashes. I was married for 18 years before my divorce. Been single now for almost 9 years. Here is my concern
Am I ever going to be a person who deserves to be in a forever relationship or is that just not an option for a person like me? I read all the posts before and it is rather discouraging. Because of my past and things I had no control over...I am no longer an acceptable person to love. I have become one of the untouchables...the unclean. Is it possible to be someone with DID and a good partner?
I am right now in the same situation!!!
She put a restraining order for a year and I'm so desperate and worried for our 3 year old baby.
We're married for 8 years and she's been diagnosed for 2 and is in psychotherapy since and it is a very mental challenge for me
That affect everything and now I fell that all that I have gone through and stayed by her ,
Was in vein.
I'm trust that GOD can turn our situation around !
I am learning that all of us that are in a relationship with them are also broken and absolutely can benefit from therapy.
Other wise would be so easy to walk away from a relationship that is so hurtful unfair !
But we have a amazing compassion knowing that they were not born with but harmed so strongly that we find pride of then survived.
Unfortunately for us sometime we are treated as their abusers that they didn't get the chance to fight.
My wife had 10+ alters and I was able to meet all of them and learned about,still did not prepared for the ride!
My wife has did and has recently gone to the police saying that I beat her and rape her. Help what can I do? No, none of what she says is true but she is convined that I am this monster and she is divorcing me and trying to take our young children.
It must have been terrible to grow up in an environment such as yours. It also must be retraumatizing to see and hear your mother emotionally abuse you again. I do agree that you need to protect yourself. Even if it is your mother, and yes she is struggling, you need to take care of yourself and separate yourself from the abuse. It is healthy for you and for her to have strong boundaries against abuse. Her alters need to learn about appropriate boundaries and can only learn about them if others around her have strong ones. I hope the best for you.
My husband has DID. He has believed his alters were magic for the past year. He thinks I used to act that way too and sometimes am mean to him in my sleep, but most of the magic has gone away so I am not so much that way. Telling him it isn't magic has made his other alters very angry. He has two alters, very suddle if you didn't know him. One is childlike and playful and the other hates me. I do worry based on pictures he has collected that the alter that hates me sleeps around. I've dealt with it, and know if that is the case it's not him, amd have forgiven. This all started full force 2 years ago (married 4 years), at the time he remembered his chronic childhood sexual abuse. He has also become paranoid that people are after him, he also blacks out after the alter releases him. He has gotten significantly worse since we moved last year to a different state.
I am very worried, we are having another child soon and he refuses to recognize to get help. I rarely anymore see the real him. It is very stressful and hurtful to always be called names and yelled at, when he was never that way. I stay at home, as that is what the real him what me to do for our kids, but not the others. But I am isolated without a car, which he refuses to get another. He never has enough money and works excessive hours no matter what I say. I will never leave him, but am at a loss of what to do. Should I insist we move back or will that not help? I just don’t know and am very scared for him.
I (a single 45 year old devorsee of 11 years) was approached by a handsome, gregarious spiritual man, July of 2015. We got along quickly and couldn't stop talking to each other daily. He had shown signs of moodiness but i dismissed it as possible low blood sugar.So much was our attachment that against my better judgment of giving another year to know eachother, I agreed to marry him. Please follow your gut instincts! Three days after "I do" I asked myself "what did I do?!!" He ramble nonsence a threatened to leave me in the hotel. I was shocked and kept my eyes close not responding to him. For the next two months there was an argument at least once a week over silly things and at first there was an I'm sorry but as the contentious behavior continued there was either no recollection of the words or actions, let alone ever an admittance and plan to remidy the conflict. He would forget people we spent quality time with and act as if he hated me much of the time. Saying insulting things, belittling me and trying to offend me over things I enjoy. I finally lost it and blew up, told him to leave, he refused, so I insisted he not sleep with me because that was Scarry, he almost hit me twice awakening as if he didn't know me. A month went by and without a word he packed all his things and the t.v that was our wedding gift and left. Since researching D.I.D, so far I can see 4 individuals in him, at the hospital he had 4 different blood pressure readings. I thank God for peace but do warn anyone to truly give time and research into D.I.D. Its been a month since he moved out and he'll contact me about superfluous things but not once does he address plans or intentions for our "marriage" he was so sure about. I hope this discretion helps you reader know you're not alone, its real, its not you...you did not do this...the trama they had was theirs. Keep your mind about yourself. They need to want to integrate if not its a serious heartache.
My mother was diagnosed with DID in 1992 when I was twelve years old. I am her only child. Two of her alters are abusive (both physical and emotional) to me and it was a difficult struggle growing up. After a car accident four years ago, my mother suffered a traumatic brain injury. Her DID has gotten worse and she is unable to control her alters. Her behavior ranges from normal to explosive, delusional and paranoid. Recently she or one of her alters blew up, at me for forgetting something at the store. I didn't respond to her yelling, choosing instead to wait till that alter was gone. Her behavior has gotten worse. She has begun yelling and ranting at my husband and accusing him of keeping me away from her when I have chosen to take a step back. My stepfather has told me that I should be more understanding and just let her alters rant. The problem for me is that I can't handle being around my mother when these two alters have taken control. My own mental health suffers. Because things have not improved and have only gotten worse I have chosen to end all contact with my mother. I still love her and care about her but until she can control her alters again I need to back away for my own mental health.
I have a milder version of DID called Ego-State Disorder: from what I've read, the biggest difference between this and full-blown DID is that I don't lose time. However, I do have different "parts" of me with their own beliefs, goals, and memories, and they each struggle to stay in control of my body as long as they can. As far as relationships, the hardest part is that my alters are intensely jealous of anything that takes time away from them: a lot of times, I can be out with my girlfriend, and I can't focus on her because one of my alters feels like he's being neglected (which to him feels like he's dying). I've learned to just "tough it out", but it still affects my relationships, because I can't always be present for them. Everywhere I go--work, to the store, on a date--I have to bring my full complement of "children" with me, and they act like children generally act. It is an awful way to live, and I'm grateful for my girlfriend, friends, and boss for putting up with me, particularly when I do such a good job of hiding all the "tending" to my children that I have to do.
We have known that we have DID for the past roughly 20 years but was only diagnosed roughly 4 years ago (as initially was very distrustful and sort help late in life) have sort of learned to live, manage and cope in various ways to compensate for it as best as possible been married for 14 years together for 17 years and have a son. It has been a rough, exhausting journey and continues to be. Am just wondering though from everyone here as to the viability of DID relationships ultimately working out as have come close to divorce on numerous occasions. It is hard enough to live with all of us never mind maintaining a marriage and child relationship and other relationships with people. We are at a point where we sadly must say are beginning to doubt as to whether any human being is equipped to really love all my alters and manage a close intimate relationship with another human being. Like to see myself as a high functioning DID and work in a stressful position but life as we get older becomes harder and harder. Are more in touch with all alters and we are one might say pretty much in synchronization most of the time (one might say due to counselling have become more and more integrated if one can call it that). Honestly we all feel rather heart broken at this realization that perhaps we are all better off just never entering into or continuing in an intimate relationship and thus to remain celibate and abstain for the rest of our days, our support is The Lord and ourselves. The concern we have is as to whether it is possible and for how long can the human being survive without love and affection and connection with other human beings? Rather at a loss guess need some advice or just encouragement or a new perspective. Thank you
Take it from me learn as much as possible and don't go in blind or with a very vague idea of D.I.D you'll come out the worst for wear and blaming yourself and in my case my partner or alters putting the blame on me. Its heart breaking and the lonilness is unbearable. To live with someone with D.I.D takes more than a strong person. I thought I was strong but found out differently real quick. It doesn't help being someone who loves affection becasue it isn't always forth coming and thats hard. You wonder what you've done to get this treatment but I know know it wasn't just my fault and I urge anyone thinking of entering into a D.I.D realtionship to do as they say above read read read and know exactly what your entering into because its going to be a world of heartache and pain.
Rick, It is very evident that you love and are committed to your wife. This journey that God has both of you on may become more stressful the longer you are on it. My husband has found it essential to build a support system of men that he can be completely honest with concerning the stresses of living with someone that has DID. (he does this with my permission and blessings) Also, counseling has very much been a needed support for him during this time. I too have been in and out of counseling for years due to depression and anxiety. My husband has come to realize that we are on this journey together and God has much for him to learn also. Although he still goes through times of stress he has relaxed quite a bit since realizing that. I pray that God blesses your marriage and brings you guys closer together emotionally and spiritually than ever before. It is possible.
I don't know if your husband is in counseling or not but my husband and I have found it invaluable to go to my counselor together once or twice a month. It truly is needed to have someone to help my husband navigate this journey with me and my (as of right now) 2 alters. It also may be helpful to remember that all of the alters are all your husband. It sounds like he is struggling with that concept right now (in feeling jealous). I'm sorry I don't have any concrete answers. Living with someone that has DID has got to be a lot of work and worry. I know my husband does get very stressed at times.
I am 65 my wife 62 . Married 43 yrs this Nov. My wife has suffered with depression and other mental health issues for many years . Recently she was diagnosed as DID. As I now look back now getting educated as much as possible on this illness I think she has been DID From adolescent years. As I come to get more information the picture puzzle gets clearer . Her alters have become much more outward,she acts out more and more openly. She rarely sleeps well and keeps us both up most of the night fighting with her alters and other imagined enemies that she believes are trying to poses her so they can be with me. No matter how much I try to assure her these are just aspects of her illness she is utterly convinced it is real . Our relationship is coming under extreme stress. We are Christians of great faith and are determined with Gods help to fight this to the end . I would never consider leaving her . But any help would be appreciated THANK YOU
My marriage is falling apart. My husband 35 and I 30 have been together now for over 10 years. I have known about his dissociative identity disorder from the beginning. It's been a hard bumpy road in the beginning 1 alter hated me and wanted me out of my husband's life completely. In time (6 years) he realized that I do truly love him and that I'm in it for the long haul. Another alter a young boy named Kyle still comes out to talk and play.. my battle right now is another alter named Anthony he is a young man who is 26 needing attention from other women. He engages in relationships with multiple women online. Once he met a woman and had a sexual relationship with her. I have gotten to know this Anthony and has developed feelings. It seems since he knows I am interested he stays out of other relationships. This makes my husband very upset (jeslous). I am battling what is best. Do I continue having a relationship with Anthony with the peace of mind that my husband is being faithful. Or do I tell Anthony I want nothing to do with him and he goes off to have other relationships with women? Please if there is anybody out there that can talk to me with any advice it would be very appreciated thank you Jessica
Hi Jessica, I was wondering how things turned out for you. I am in a similar situation. I sure could use some advice.
Our relationship is only a few months long, and honestly, the hardest thing so far is just keeping everything straight. It's just him and one other alter. So instead of everything being drastically different, its stupidly subtle. Same gender. Same age I believe. The name is even the same just spelled different. I'm getting better at recognizing a switch and he's on medication so he doesn't come out too often. I have to help him remember things, because he'll blackout during a switch. Or since his alter isn't out much, he often forgets (or simply doesn't know) things about people or even their names. But I don't mind any of it and an actually excited to see our relationship grow. :)
My wife was diagnosed with Bipolar a month ago, but after reading this I truely think that she has DID. She went through hell all her life, being sexually abused and recently raped for the second time in her life. It is very hard, she often disassociates and swears at me, insults me and even hits me sometimes. It feels like she is getting worse, and she refuses to take her medication because of the side affects. She always says she can beat it by herself, very stubborn...What should I do? This is affecting our relationship and I'm thinking of getting a divorce...
I have a question for what you would do in my situation. I have been with my wife for 4 years, we have been married since June. She was diagnosed a year ago.
She has 2 alters, and they both hate my wife. We are afraid one of them is sleeping around.. I feel hopeless. Any advice?
Becoming a puppet in a relationship is not linked to whether or not one partner suffers from DID; if someone is going to become a puppet then they'll do so whoever they have a relationship with.
Elsewhere Holly makes a very important point that those of us who do not suffer from DID can choose to be in a relationship that causes us to need to understand and come to terms with the condition, but thise who di suffer of course have no such choice. If we become puppets it's because we choose to be and not because we somehow become enslaved because the one we love suffers from DID.
My partner suffers from DID and because I love her I'm going to do all I can to help her enjoy as stable and fulfilling a life as possible. If that means I must be selfless then so be it because selflessness is an important aspect of love. I will try to support her to be at peace with each of her alters and as far as is possible I will try to provide a supportive environment within which no part of her complex personality feels neglected. I am neither blind nor stupid and I choose to go into this eyes wide open in the knowledge that I might fail and one day she may switch and demand I leave.
Given the divorce rates around the world, the reality is that there is anyway no guarantee in relationships or marriages. But at least I have a choice whereas she, at least so far as DID is concerned, has none.
You might let her know so that she can discuss it with her Dr or therapist. I know my wife tells me when she knows I switch so I can track it as much as possible to try to find triggers to my switching. Rather she knows it or not something is triggering her switching maybe when she sleeps her mind races to much and that makes her switch and maybe her Dr could give her something to help her sleep better
I have a question. My wife has did. She was diagnosed 9 years ago. We have been together for 5 years and her alters talk to me when they are out. They have been very helpful giving me information she has blocked out. We are working to find a experienced doctor to help her. My question is...when she switches should I tell her that she switched? She often switches while she is asleep and wakes up in the middle of the night as one of her alters. So she doesn't even know she switched. She has an idea bc she is super tired although she slept "all night" but in reality she didnt. So do i tell her or do I just not say anything about it?
Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry this blog is no longer. Maybe someone will want to take it over...such a valuable site.
Robbin, We no longer have a moderator on this site and I do not have experience with what you are asking about. I have had my DID diagnosed for about 9 months and have been married for 22 years to the same man. I only have two alters and they are child alters. Although my husband misses me when the children are out, they do not act out towards others. It sounds like your partner probably has many more alters than I do. I would really encourage you to get counseling if you are still considering pursuing a relationship with this man. It will give you the support you need and a better understanding of DID issues that will help you make decisions based on the big picture of what is going on.
I really need some insight. I have been seeing a man with DID for about 8 months. It's an odd relationship. We have texted daily. We used to see each other every other week for intimacy but that has now trickled to once a month. It has lessoned since he has told me he has DID and the more alters he introduces it seems the more he pulls away. I have told him how honored I am that he has shared this part with me and that he is so very special to me. He has one alter that wants to engage in wild sex parties with him. I told him I wouldn't want to ruin my chances with others if I engaged in that with him. Also, the few times I have indicated that I want him as a partner he said as good as I am it cannot be because he is DID and I have only met a couple of them. However, he has introduced me to a few more since he said that. He also tells me that DID people are best solitary.
I am so confused. I'm trying to make some kind of sense of it all. I have fallen in love with this man and I can't even tell him because I am afraid I will scare him off. I do know he has been divorced 4 times and his longest marriage was about 4 years.
Do I engage in wild sex with his alter since he is the one that really likes me? would it ruin my chances with the others? His mains don't have sex because they have responsibilities. What hurts the most is we will be so non-sexually intimate via texting and yet he won't see me. Why is that? Can anyone help?
Hello Debra, I have been newly diagnosed (in the past 6 months) but have read several books and several articles on DID. In short, no, not every DID person cheats. Not every DID person has total amnesia during a dissociative episode (I have all my memories when another alter comes out but I do not necessarily have control). But, those people that do not remember what happens when an alter comes out does not mean that the alter will cheat on a partner. None of my alters have cheated on or even flirted with other men. Now, not all my alters happen to like my husband ( my abuser was my father) but that is something we are addressing in my counseling as my husband gets more and more comfortable with the idea of my having DID.
My husband and I are in counseling together and that really helps us communicate through issues like this. Are you and your partner in counseling together? It would also be helpful for you to have your own counseling during this time. It can be a very traumatic time for you also. Please remember to take care of yourself.
Is it a fact that all people with DID cheat? I have been I thought happily married to someone we just recently discovered has DID. I am now scared to death. Please someone explain this. Also, my husband denies knowing of ever cheating and I of course believe him in the states I have seen he would not cheat. He was abused horrifically and originally believed he was to fault for it or at least responsible and that some of it was consensual but that is now obvious it is not the case at all. There was no consent to what a dx sociopath does to a child. I may be reading these messages wrong but advise do not have a monogamous relationship? One Alter may not know what the other is doing?? Please someone help!!!
I'm 57, my girlfriend is 49. We've been in a relationship for about two years. The relationship is magical to say the least, in many ways. We enjoy many activities together. The physical part is great . Lots of affection, cuddling, hand holding and kissing. Her sex drive is very high which is one of the concerns I have. She is sweet, caring and thoughtful. We basically never fight. I found it difficult from the beginning of our relationship to bring up any issues. Seemed as if she has a wall which makes her unapproachable. In some ways it seems if she creates a wall so that she is not noticed or parts of her are not noticed. We've not had any intimate or personal conversations other than the ones I've initiated. At our stage of relationship I would think there would be talks of the future and how to work that out, etc. I did break up with her in February at which she pursued me with texts for two months which I ignored except for one in which I asked her to leave me alone. She didn't leave me alone though the attempts lessened. About a month ago she sent me an inoccuous, "hope you a are well" to which I responded. Well we ended up meeting and she said she had tried to make things nice for me. I responded I had everything I wanted from her except honesty and mentioned specific situations which she didn't respond to and I didn't push it There had been and seem to be a number of situations of lies, dishonesty. I'm almost certainshe is a pathological liar. Been many situations of suspicious activity on her iPhone and iPad. My INSTINCTS tell me something is going behind the scenes. Maybe she's on dating sites. I just dont know. Originally I thought she was sociopathic though I don't think so. I have confronted her and she denies everything. She seems very hurt when I confront her on my suspicions of her being dishonest. Strangely she seems to be apologetic to me where I would think she would be angry at me accusing her of such things. She is tactfully very manipulative.
I do love her though I need to end this relationship. I don't want to hurt her at the same time I don't want to be manipulated into staying in the relationship. Any suggestions on a kind way of ending a relationship with a person with DID?
I wonder if anyone ever responded to your message regarding your girlfriend. Hopefully by now, you're life is in a better place. I think that most DID victims are pathological liars. I think they have to be as a means of survival. I've just broken up with my boyfriend who I loved so much and I am convinced he has DID ... the lies I've learned, they blow my mind apart.
I just wanted to say thanks for this post. I am currently in a relationship with someone who has DID and for the first time last week I experienced a switch in personality.
This website and the comments gave me some insight and a better perspective of my situation. I think the hardest part for me was not the switch itself but the aftermath.
My boyfriend is currently working on recovering his memory before the switch so at this point he doesn't remember me or he doesn't remember us. That's hard. How does one deal with that? I feel like I am talking to a stranger.
This is my first time experiencing a switch and him recovering so I'm not sure how to handle it and would like advice or information on such. I read some comments but still would like more insight if any could be offered. Thank you.
Hello. Thank you for your comment. I don't know exactly what to do in your situation. The only thing I can recommend would be getting a therapist of your own who you can talk to about these experiences. Someone who is educated about DID will be able to support you through therapy. I imagine it is very hard to deal with this situation. You may try going to therapy with him if you don't want to get your own therapist. Those are the only ideas I have. A lot can be researched online, as well. Good luck to you!
This weeb site really has all of the information and facts I eeded about this subject and didn't know who to ask.
I'm happy that you have found a good resource! I hope to keep the information coming. Thanks for your comment!
Sorry im in and out of a same sex relationship. I love my partner to bits id put her before myself. But recently have come to realise. Its abusive. The watching someone self harm the negative vile speeches they throw at you. The nightmares you have at night. Waking up in a bed with god knows what. Coming home to find seens of a horror film. Where is the support for the family and partners and how do you ever come to terms with this.
I lived with and was married to someone with DID. She told me when we got married but it wasn't until the marriage ended that I truly grasped the disorder and even still struggle with the person's struggles. Our marriage had moments of love, but very little intimacy. I'm not sure it's truly possible with people who have DID to be intimate. I tried very hard to understand it, but in the end I couldn't live without an intimate connection anymore. We felt like roommates rather than a couple. I wish there was more research into DID and help that could be offered. Deep in my heart there will always be a place for my ex with DID. I'm saddened that I felt powerless to do anything to help change.
Have been reading and learning... it is a very different situation in the parent child situation..my mother having this /and or severe bipolar with psychotic features. The damage done to children's mental health is tragic. Much work needs to be done in long term therapy for those of us who have had a parent with this disorder. My prayer is that there is full healing for all MI and illness when we reach our heavenly home.
I have been reading these comments and I have been identifying so much with a lot of the persons on here. The guy that I am talking to had DID and he has not committed to me but I know that he is talking to someone else. Recently he has told me that he think it is best for us to see less of each other because one of his alters has decided for them to start a relationship.
I am not sure if he sees me as a threat but most all of his alters gets along with him except one. they all appreciate me and he thinks i am a diamond that he has found, and even though i have known of the alter that isn't attracted to me from the beginning he has allowed us to get closer. So the fact that he is tearing us apart now confuses me. I have not asked him to get help or move out with or pressured him to commit. So i am finding this confusing. I know it is a choice especially since he told me that he has analyzed it and the odds are against me but i love him.
Not sure how I can reach him...it seems I've tried everything, but open to any suggestions. I can't stand that the system thinks I am the abuser :-(
This is Elizabeth from the posts way up above. It's now 3 years later. My former boyfriend with DID is still with this other woman. His entire system has blocked me from talking to any part of him, and he reacts with pure hostility and ugliness anytime I see him around our small town.
I don't think the other woman knows what she's dealing with, and I am still heartbroken that I can't even have a conversation with the man (or other alters, like the Little who also loved me) that I had a relationship with for over 7 years. The system has me completely blocked out.
Every now and then though, I will still see some very small "pop-outs" and he will wave at me like a little kid when he passes me in the car on the main road, or sometimes I'll see him standing in the distance, and he'll be looking longingly at me like he's going to burst out crying. But he can't seem to speak to me...
It breaks my heart, and I still want to reach him and be able to have a conversation with him again. I did have one conversation at the town post-office with an alter who not only did I not know, but who had no memory of us ever going to Hawaii together (we would go each year on vacation), and when I asked him why he left me for another woman, he said, very confused as to why I would say that, that he never left me for another woman. That WE were never together!
It was then that I saw the extent of his dissociative amnesia and why this alter felt I was "a stalker" who was always running into him. He had no memory of our 7 year relationship at all.
It still breaks my heart to see him with this other woman, and I still have never given up on trying to one day reach him. I live my own life now, but am always still open to reconnecting with him, to have some kind of connection.
I've tried emails, texts, letters, saying hello and always being friendly and as non-threatening as I can be when I see him around town, but the one who is out, or the ones who are out, not only don't remember me, but have developed some kind of paranoid delusion about me, and believe I am the abuser who is out to get them.
I am hoping that one day it will change, and the ones who remember me will come out again. I was always incredibly kind to him.
So, 3 years later...no change.
I have been with myso for 16 years Bout 8 years ago be was dn with did . He has a side that hates females and we have had so many issuez . I try to reassure him and try to give him love but he responds with hateful things he doesnt want to work and i have no idea what to do. He says i say things i dont or that like right now im talking to a guy. I try to show him what im doing but he refuses to look. Now he is on fb looking up females to talk to . I know i shouldnt let it bother me but i feel overwhelmed . What if anything can i do to help him see
thank you for putting up this article and all the comments ive been able to relate to so many of them in such a big way my partner has did i struggle to cope with her most of the time
Thank you for being here. I am in a relationship with the most beautiful soul who happens to have DID. We recently became very close we love each other, however, my being so close along with recent upheavals in his life has caused other alters to start coming forward. He did try to warn me away from him by telling me about the DID but I stayed and I don't regret doing so. I understood the concept of DID. Because of growing up in an home with physical abuse and being sexually and emotionally abused as a child, emotionally abused as a teenager, raped as a young adult and then living in an emotionally abusive relationship for my adult life, I split. However, I usually simply step outside myself and the other me(s) is a spectator like watching a movie but unable to feel the pain that she feels.
My background with DID is pretty limited. But I am one of the few people who can understand and recognize his pain. His DID is different from mine in that, mine work together to and for the most part protect the main me and I know when I split because I can sometimes tell who is in the room and who is manning the wheel (kind of like the crew taking turns manning the periscope of a submarine). With his some of his personalities try to hurt him and they are totally different persons, some know of the others but I think others don't.
My SO did tell me about the DID and tried to keep some distance between us because he was afraid to lose me. One of his alters is beginning to see me as a threat. That alter got a girlfriend and is using her to sabotage us and him. He wants me to abandon him to teach the others not to trust, I have not given in so far.
We live in the same home. He is my room mate. I would like for him not to have his girlfriend over because it hurts the main me. Last night I had a standoff with his GF and this caused me to split for the the first time in a year. I had to put the main me to sit in the corner while I deal with this because she is hurting too much, but, she really loves him so I need to handle this cautiously. BTW I do not think she knows about the DID and I don't think it is a bad thing he needs that and her right now. But I just don't want her in my home. I guess the question to you who have more experience with this is - Is saying that I do not want his GF in my home a reasonable boundary?
Thank you for sharing so that I know that we are not alone.
My boyfriend's alter is taking over and sabotaging our relationship. He is now in a another relationship. He is trying to get me to break up with him because I am the only thing holding him steady. If I do the breaking up it would mean that I have rejected him and he will spiral. I think at worst he wants to kill him but I am standing in the way; at least he wants to get me out of the way so that he can take over unopposed. Is this typical? I am laying down definite boundaries but sometimes feel like I am not being respectful to him by not cutting him loose. I know that our relationship is difficult for him because I see the pain that he is trying to hide. Is this typical?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have recently found out that I'm pregnant..also recently found out that my boyfriend of a year has DID. He originally told me about one other altar, according to him this person didn't like females or sex. This altar for the most part was someone on his head that didn't show himself.
Last night he went out and didn't come home, after arguing I got a text msg telling me it was Steve..my boyfriends name is Steven..Steve is the altar..he told me I would not take his child from him..which I never considered..he said that he planted his "seed" in me to make sure he would live on. This has me really freaked out because it means that he has been having sex with me. He went on to ask if I knew who was in control,him or Steven. This is all freaking me out. Is it possible for him to be a functioning father?
First of all, I'd like to start by saying your blog has been immensely helpful to me. I don't have DID, but my fiance does, and a lot of what I know has come from here. Helped things to not seem like such a mystery, I guess.
But I guess I'd like some advice now. I've searched the web a hundred tunes over, and can't seem to find anyone in my situation, though I'm sure others exist.
Without getting into the long back story, I'm dating a girl who I'll call Sara. I found out a few months into the relationship that I was really saying aboy we'll call John. John and Sara can communicate with each other, transition easily back and forth (I can request John back, for example, and Sara is generally okay with that.) The only problem we're having right now is sex- John gets jealous if I sleep with Sara, but Sara has expressed that she's going to do stuff, whether it's with me or not, though she'd prefer me.
I don't really know how to phase what I'm asking but... do you have any advice about this situation? I know if Sara dos something, it's not John, but I'd still view it as cheating and I'd be heartbroken. But John would see me with Sara as cheating. In our entire relationship, this is the only thing that's caused us any kind of stress, and while we're not fighting about it, I don't want it to get to that point...
Thank you for any insight, and again for all the help your blog has provided me already.
I am so grateful to have found your blog. Thank you for the information that you post.
Thank you so much for this article. I have been in a relationship with someone with DID for 8 years now and for the longest time I have tried to crawl through the contradictions and relationship 'games' and endless questions about my trustworthiness and agenda and on and on and on. Yes, I have sacrificed myself time and time again to keep the relationship together, albeit that may not have been the best thing. We have a 7 year old daughter and for her sake I have kept it together. It has been Very Rough to put it mildly.
My partner has finally written a full article about her experiences and what is like inside of her and has trusted me enough to give it to me to read. It was hard for her to do this, I know. I think that she may have been encouraged by her psychiatrist to do this. I am not sure, but I suspect that this was the case.
Basically, what I am saying is that she has admitted to me that she has DID and she had never really done that before and nor had I researched enough on my own to put a name to all of this. Heretofore, I just saw our 'relationship' as the most difficult human relationship that I had ever known. It may remain that way from here on out anyhow, time will tell, but I can say that just putting a name to it all has helped me personally in an immense fashion.
Thanks for being one of the first stones to step on in my walk across the river to a broader, more comprehensive understanding.
Thank you so much Healthy Place and Holly Gray. This blog has been a lifesaver.
I finally became convinced today that my wife has DID. We’ve been married over four years. She has one daughter from a prior relationship who doesn’t know any other father than me.
What persuaded me away from the diagnosis for so long was the Hollywood portrayal. At first I thought, well she doesn’t introduce the alters with other names. And I hadn't noticed them dressing differently.
In addition, I had heard that the condition was “very rare.” It’s prevalence actually is close to 1-2% in the general population, which means its just as common as schizophrenia.
But many other things in her life and ours together finally convinced me enough to look into it more today.
We initially met and corresponded by e-mail. I wonder if writing is one way to communicate more systemically.
I appreciate the advice to establish and hold to firm boundaries. I’ve therefore established some written guidelines that must be maintained in order for our marriage to continue and prosper.
I love both my wife and my daughter very much. The worst thing however is that one alter is, at best, callous, and at worst, prone to violence. Although she usually only destroys furniture and other objects, she also may take to all-out fighting. The police have been called twice. The first time was about a year ago, when I called. A few days ago, she called.
I had slipped into being DID’s puppet. I really would love for our marriage to succeed. I’ve spelled out some basic ground rules in writing. Either we stick to them and our life together improves, or I must begin the search for a divorce attorney.
Thanks for all the advice. I know now that discussing the diagnosis with her would almost surely come off as a confrontation to at least one alter. She’s been very amenable to therapy in the past. But we've recently moved and she has yet to establish with a new one. I succeeded in finding some excellent group therapy which seems to be helping me quite a bit. Hopefully, she'll find a beneficial therapist soon.
She also has done much better to have scheduled responsibilities in her life. She even held the same professional job for close to a decade. But she’s had some difficulty finding even a volunteer job since our move. I’ve asked her to have at least 12 hours of scheduled time per week in volunteer, school, or employment. Since our recent altercation she has become very motivated to obtain even more work.
Questions for you & others familiar with having or living with the diagnosis: (1)Any way to improve our daughter's chances of avoiding it? (2)What are/is the best thing/s for me to do when the violent alter returns? And, (3) do you agree that writing, especially regarding important subjects, may help?
Thank you so much Healthy Place and Holly Gray. This blog has been a lifesaver.
I finally confirmed today that my wife has DID. We've been married over four years. She has one daughter from a prior relationship who doesn't know any other father than me. We'll be unable to have more children.
What persuaded me away from the diagnosis for so long, was the Hollywood portrayal of it that made such an impression on me when I was a child. At first I thought, well she doesn't introduce the alters with other names nor dress differently. In addition, I had heard that the condition was "very rare." It turns out it's prevalence is close to 1-2% in the general population, which is just as common as schizophrenia.
But many other things in her life and ours together finally convinced me enough to look into it more today.
Our initial courting was electronic. I wonder if writing is one way to communicate more systemically.
I appreciate the advice to establish and hold to firm boundaries. I'm even considering the composition of some written guidelines that must be agreed to and maintained in order for our marriage to continue.
I love our daughter very much and most of Tracey as well (yes, she has the same name as your partner). There's one alter that's prone to violence - usually destroying furniture and other objects, but also prone to all-out fighting. The police have been called twice. The first time was about a year ago, when I called. A few days ago, she called.
I had slipped into being DID's puppet. I really would love for our marriage to work. I'm going to spell it out in writing. Either we stick to the guidelines and our life together improves, or I begin the search for a divorce attorney.
Thanks for all the advice. I know now that discussing the diagnosis with her would almost surely come off as confronting to at least one alter. But she's been very amenable to therapy in the past. I'm going to insist that she get back in.
She also seems to have done much better to have scheduled responsibilities in her life. (She even kept a job for close to ten years!) We recently moved and she's had some difficulty finding a job. So I'm going to ask her to have at least 12 hours of scheduled time per week - volunteer, school, etc.
Questions for you & others familiar with having or living with the diagnosis: (1)Any way to discourage our daughter from developing it? (2)What's the best thing(s) for me to do when the violent alter returns? (3)How do I nurture love, respect, & compassion in both her and me?