Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.
I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).
3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID
As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:
- Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
- Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
- Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You
Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.
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Photo by Randy Pagatpatan
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, September 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2011/01/for-partners-living-with-dissociative-identity-disorder
Author: Holly Gray
I've witnessed a switch. This probably sounds melodramatic but it really did look like his eyes rolled back in his head (they didn't) but his eyes became very, very dark, his face seemed to darken too, and any signs of empathy disappeared completely. I call this one the gatekeeper.
The thing is before I was aware of what I was dealing with I said some pretty dumb things to him. I thought at one stage he was possessed, so I walked up to him, looked him dead in the eye and said "give it your best shot buddy, you don't frighten me. If anything YOU should be scared of me!" ..... oops! That's the LAST thing he needed to hear. ☹️
Oh this is so heartbreaking. He's moved back in with his parents and I know/feel very strongly that they are either the cause of this or they've tried to bury it, cover it up and just pretend nothing happened. Because around them is when he switches more often. Like the rest of you, I just don't know what to do or where to go for help. I've promised him I won't abandon him. I never have and never will, but he has shut the door on me! So what do I do?
My wife had a very difficult childhood. She only gave me glimpses into the past. Her parents where constantly fighting in front of her, and she once told me about her mom throwing glass dishes at her. Along with this, she had an accident in which she fell on a 4 inch knife and has a large unexplained gash in the back of her head. She to this day, doesn't know what this is from, but based upon her hating her parents for a number of years, I believe she thinks it was because of them. Like dropping her as a baby.
Given the difficult past of my wife, and the back and forth of her treatment of me, I found many similiarities between DID and her.
Yet, I don't want to accuse her of this? I have asked her to go to counseling with me, but she refuses. She told other she would go to marriage counseling, but when she talks to me, it comes to my issues. This is really how its been for the past 3 months. But prior, one minute she would love me, the other she would hate me. In the last months, we would be getting along great and then, all the sudden, it was as she put up her guard and was someone else.
What really hurts, is my wife has been through this before. In her first marriage, she completely removed my stepsons biological father and grandparents from his life. She never even had the discussion with my son, about his legal last name. He learned his legal first name on the first day of 4th grade when he attended a public school and they required him to use his legal name. Based on what I gathered over the years, the dad and family tried, but after 2 years, they called it quits since his dad wasn't that attached after 4 months with my stepson when he was a baby.
Now, I have an order, and it is turning into the same scenario. At first the order was place against me, and now she has told my parent they can no longer see the kids, because I am mismanaging the money. Yet we came to agreement in court on this, and this was her idea, now when it effects what she wants to do, it sets her off. And just days before, she was crying and breaking down in my arms, and then she wants to have me arrested the next week.
I am not a doctor. And the last thing I want to do is make this claim in court, but if anyone that reads this maybe able to offer some suggestions, outside of get out of the relationship, it would be appreciated. I am fine moving on, I've accepted that over the past 6 weeks of the order, but now my concern is how to move forward, so I can still be in my 3 kids lives.
I have been reading a number of articles, about behavior similar to my wifes, and DID and her have a lot in common.
Thank you for your time in reading this.
I read your story (and many others) with great interest, tremendous sadness and great concern. It all mirrors my story. I too had a wonderful relationship for 5 years; or so I thought. To make it worse, we were working together. Work never lasts, even though he is very capable, he cannot hold it together. Too much switching... I am now pretty sure that the alter I am in a relationship with is gone. I do not believe that alters 'die'; but they can go into hybernation if they are not needed. And my 'man' has been gone for over a year. I've gone through 2 bouts of severe depression with this man, where he normally cuts me out for 6 months; and he had a breakdown in front of me earlier this summer. Things have gone from bad to worse (we have a long distance relationship), and now he developed flight phobia. I have not seen him in over 7 months and working is impossible with him being in a different country and afraid to take a plane. I personally believe this is engineered flight phobia of some kind. I also do not see any improvement through therapy and I have reasons to believe that the therapist is working against me. He is the only person he (allegedly) speaks to in an open way (but who knows...). Some alters speak to me sometimes - and they are not all friendly, neither do they follow what you would call a moral code of behaviour. I have been betrayed many times; thought I cannot confirm this for sure. There is also extreme paranoia involved. He doesn't give anything away and gets completely crazy over simple questions like 'where are you going" when he sits next to me and books a flight. He will immediately switch into his aggressive protector mode. I am now dead sure this guy leads various double lives - unaware that he is doing this.
To cut a long story short; a friend of mine - a therapist herself - told me something important. She said: "it's sociopathic behaviour, whatever the cause might be. People who can compartmentlise do not have conflict and morals issues in the way we do. You are not being treated well at all and you must not allow this. It is not your fault he is like this. You cannot fix him". She was right about this. Only he can fix himself. I have stopped financing him. I do not want to be an enabler for a sick minded therapist. Since I can't influence his decision regarding the choice of therapist, I can at least cut the means to pay this guy to ensure he is not getting worse. Given I have many professional reference points, I do understand that therapy would not try to cut out the only safety net this man has. I totally get what you say: you are not leaving a spouse who is having cancer. But... She would tell you she has cancer and you would both go on this journey together. Here, most of us have never been told about DID (only once was it confirmed by him - and then quickly retracted soon after). We did not know what we got ourselves into when we started this journey. We are the ones with a huge capacity for love and compassion - but we are kicked in the teeth for this again, and again, and again. I am in great conflict over this right now. I simply do not know any more what the right thing to do is. You can't talk to anyone because others would think you have lost the plot. You can't even speak to them. They do not want to know, or at worst, it activates a suicide alter. It's a very lonely life for us who are not suffering from DID. Is it worth it? I no longer know the answer to this question...
I just had an idea...if we could start up a forum, blog whatever these things are called (I'm not very up to date with all of this sorry, ?) but surely as partners of people with DID we could share our stories and possibly find solutions???
Psychologist can be trained to understand this disorder but WE live it an WE know what really happens???
Anyway it's just a suggestion?
For anyone who wants to talk to me about this my name is Sally, I'm an Aussie and it'll let you know in advance that I have a shocking memory so if you contact me could you pretty please say why you're contacting me in the first few lines or I may accidentally delete you as spam! Please forgive me if what I say next is insulting, but sarcasm runs in the blood of most Aussie's and we can sometimes confuse other nationalities....so, if you email me, and I do t reply quickly, send me another (or the original ?) email starting with "Oi Dickhead, it's 'name' from Partners living with DID!" Lmfao. That'll get my attention AND believe it or not, when you get even a small window of laughter, it helps to soothe the soul.
Take the piss out of me (and yourselves) make jokes about serious stuff, give yourselves the freedom to just laugh. ????? We'll have plenty of deep and heavy stuff to discuss too. But if anyone is interested, I'd really like to help our partners and everyone else who is suffering from this.
Cheers, hope to hear from anyone and everyone (including people with DID please, if you feel safe to do so, because no one knows exactly what you're going through better than you do. Big hugs to everyone, and remember that old saying 'smile and the world smiles too, frown and you frown alone!"
Ok my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
My marriage of 16 years has ended. Like many, I tried everything I could, I almost completely disconnected with who I was in the process of trying to care for her. I don't regret the changes, it made me a better person in many ways. But for the past 2 years she has been literally ignoring my existence, we lived as roommates. I kept believing that there was a plateau of safety she could reach with my help and support, but it wasn't to be.
Her physical health is always a see-saw, although doctors can't diagnose anything. And for a protector alter, the safety is everything. I suspect different alters "make" her sick to retain control over her. I love all her alters except a couple, one of whom finally came out after we had been separated for about 6 months, to say in a mean voice that he was responsible for sabotaging the marriage. I received him with grace, forgiving, etc. But also trying to help my wife deal with this revelation. But although my wife had been repenting, asking me not to divorce her, we had started making plans to find help together, suddenly I get an email telling me it was really over. Despite her newfound tenderness toward me.
So once more I got stabbed to the heart. I have sensed for years that she was being groomed online through relationships she developed. And I had been in agony for years over this. It does hurt deeply, you come to believe that you are crazy, if you take everything to the first degree. I discovered I acted as codependent, and she acted like a narcissist. But it's nearly impossible to get a clear idea of what she truly thinks, or feel, and I had to come to the realization that I am not a health care professional, and my competence is limited: at some point, the people who love them the most does become the person they need to control (parts live in fear) and push away.
I believe I too have a few alters but I wasn't diagnosed. We enjoyed doing simple things together, we had a great friendship, and childlike playfulness (duh). But the bar of perfection is always so high, and often moving. In the end, it is not about me doing anything, but it's about her conditions.
My story is like many others, so you know that I'm not sharing everything, it would be inappropriate, and too long. But a few months ago as I came back home after "giving her space" for 3 months, I found out that she had changed the locks on the doors. She basically claims the house as her own (although both our names are on the title). Now I live in my own place and pursuing divorce.
It is really hard to face divorce as an outcome, mainly because I can see she is in an acute existential crisis caused by her system. I've been her cheerleader for years, but it ends up being a life journey she needs to take alone. Nothing I say is received, on the contrary. It hurts to see her act this way, but ONLY with me. I've carried guilt and shame for so many years, but I'm slowly realizing that no matter what I do or say, anyone in the radius of her space is bound to get the brunt of those few alters who ruin everything. I understand they are in pain easily, but I can't understand the type of pain easily.
I decided the most loving thing I could do was to accept her move and make it mine. Forget doing an intervention. But treating her as normal is also not an option, and that's where I have a hard time: would I abandon my wife if she had cancer, or been in an accident? No. But this isn't the exact same situation. Pray for me I stay the course, and that she would find help she can trust, and follow-up with.
Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long...
Anyway she attacked me one night leaving bloody bites, scratches bruises and sprains. I was careful not to hurt her in my self defense. My name for her most vicious protector is Leon, and boy did she hit the roof when I told her about him.
Still trying to make sense of it all six weeks later. Constant death threats and details of how her few remaining relatives will torture me until I beg for death. I did not do anything to her. It probably is not even personal, but how can it not be taken that way? This whole world is filled with people abusing and retaliating continuing an insane circle of vengeance.
seeing my own therapist now for ptsd. What a dangerous woman to get involv d with, but in the beginning she was perfect like that other guy (rdbrewer)was describing when it all went to crap in just two weeks. I have never seen someone so mean.
DID's have really gone through hell to turn out this way. Just want to cry for them, and their victims... will it never end?
A couple alters are alcoholic, most are narcissistic, and at least one is borderline. The one I fell for was the open minded new age hippy, who has gone away forever, not needed anymore because now they got him hooked and he will stick around a while hoping for her return.
I am sorry for what you experienced, and I hope your therapy helps you heal from your PTSD.
I do want to clarify, that people with DID are not all victimizers, or abusive. They are no more prone to violence as any non-DID person (and actually, some say that they are even less likely to be violent). I don't think it's right to say there are victims of DID. The DID in itself was not the cause.
In my experiences participating in DID groups (online), it isn't uncommon for people with DID to be in a relationship with another multiple.
I want to take that part back. The alters I married are wonderful, beautiful people. "My Becky" is the sweetest person I have ever known. Calling her son "our son" was another one of her ways of being loving and caring. The protection alter who used him as a weapon... well, that's a different story.
We had so much love. I've never had love like that before. We could complete each other's thoughts. We had identical senses of humor and made each other laugh constantly. We laughed in bed as much as anyplace else. We would talk about everything. We had frequent intellectual discussions, but we preferred not to live in that zone, so to speak. It's like we were made for one another, a perfect match. And our lovemaking was powered by that. I don't know if this makes sense, but I wanted to be with her out of the love I felt as much as from the attraction I had. And it was like the love increased the attraction.
It's painful that I didn't know how to handle switches. I made things so much worse. I became a horrible nightmare of triggers for her, I know. I would blurt things out that I wouldn't have said if I'd known more. The most ironic thing: psychology has always been an interest of mine, and I've read about various aspects of it for decades. I'm very tuned into a person's affect, and I would've been the perfect partner for her if I had studied D.I.D. I would have known how to handle the switches and to gently greet the alter and provide useful information like how we got to where we are and where we were going--but in an indirect fashion. And I could have influenced her intentionally like I was already doing unintentionally, like when I would make "Dr. Becky" laugh at the end of the day and instantly turn into a more relaxed and happy "my Becky." One example: one time "Dr. Becky" was being haughty about a recent raise. It was like she was looking down her nose at me. I went into a "yeehoo" happy dance and "raise the roof" thing. She switched, smiled wide and joined me. I could have used that ability to influence her to help her outlook.
But I reacted with fear and anger during that last two weeks. After a recent concussion, an MTBI, I wasn't thinking too clearly anyway. I thought she was intentionally lying. The more freaked out I got, the more I would yell. I was trying to communicate she was hurting me and scaring me--trying to make her quit--but that wasn't how to do it. I kind of hate myself for that. I could have handled things better.
The final irony: I have hyperthymesia. Not like the people you see on TV who can remember every single day of their lives, but I have something very close to that. I don't have to dwell on anything to remember it; it's just there. That's how I was able to assemble enough information after the fact to map out her alters. She, on the other hand, can forget anything she wants or needs to avoid by simply going into another corridor in her mind. So I no longer exist for her. I'm a source of triggers. She can never say "hey, I'm sorry," for example, because that would cause guilt--about things that I now understand and have long since forgiven her for.
So I will never get a kind word. I've been dying for a kind word all this time. But I know I no longer exist for her. And I'll never be able to forget a moment with her.
I am sorry to read about your difficulties in your prior relationship, but know that you did not do anything wrong. There is no handbook for being in a relationship with someone with DID, and more so, you didn't (and couldn't) know she even had DID at the time. Your reactions are understandable. Don't hate yourself for them.
So I married three alters. She was a chronic drinker, and when her son asked me if I could do something about her drinking, I felt it was my duty to try. He was my stepson we had bonded as father and son. In fact, he had started calling me "dad." But I was arrogant enough to think I could conduct an intervention without professional help. That didn't go well. With the assistance of her ignorant and defensive mother, she concluded that I was trying to destroy her. In fact, she said that out loud a couple of times. This is when several protection alters appeared. In two weeks, it was all over.
Remember, at this point, I still had no idea she had D.I.D. I started seeing her in this aloof and fey mood that barely recognized my existence. I called this one "the gypsy." She would wear hair extensions and other clothes I'd never seen her wear before. Hair extensions. (Note: She had more clothes than anyone I've ever seen. Now I get it. Her alters all had their own wardrobes.) The gypsy wouldn't talk to me, no light banter, nothing. One time I told her she looked very sexy in her shorts. She said, "You're making me nervous."
I was trying to keep her from drinking so much, and I was putting on the pressure. Then ugly and nasty alters came out. They seemed to be defined by the particular mix of personality disorders. There was "Dr. Becky II" who was narcissistic. She was angry and had no empathy whatsoever. There was "the gypsy II" who had horrible BPD and a touch of NPD. Again, no empathy. She was occasionally psychotic when very angry. She did a number on me with friends--a "borderline distortion campaign." These were people I liked and cared about. Neighbors, for example, that I spent a few minutes talking to every day. Actually, the neighbors knew me well enough to know something was going on with her; it was her family that I cared about the most and that I saw the least who had no way of knowing she was lying her brains out or taking kernels of truth and blowing them up into cotton candy proportion. This was also the alter who shared the most private feelings, thoughts, and dreams I'd trusted her with. For example, my father had died a few months earlier, and sometimes I'd get sad. One time I said I wished I could be with him and see him again. That one became "He's suicidal. He wants to kill himself to be with his father." Isn't that nice?
By the way, since then I was able to figure out the difference between the transient psychotic episodes and the full-on confabulation. Of course, both of them looked like pure psychosis to me. She would switch and start saying things that had no basis in reality. I stole her wedding ring. I stole her watch. I've been seeing other women. Her ring and watch were in the bathroom upstairs, and I spent no time with anyone but her.
The worst one I saw I called "the badger." Her faced changed. She looked like an angry animal. I've come to realize since that this alter was a very angry child. I found her sitting in the dark in a closet one night. Her eyes seemed solid black when I flipped the light on and she turned toward me. It was scary. I said "Becky, what are you doing?" The badger was boiling with anger. I think the badger is the original abused child. The badger is who she became back then--or how she felt back then--after her father abused her, starting around first grade.
During this two week period, of course she used her son as a weapon. "Our son" became "my son." She would pretend they were in great danger and that she had to take him to a hotel somewhere to get him and herself away from me. So much more dramatic that way. Very scary for me, because I didn't know where they were or how they were doing. She told the police I broke into the house when I had the key right there in my hand. "But the window is cracked," and she pointed to the door. It was leaded glass, and a long time before a quarter inch square piece had broken out. You could maybe push a pea through the hole. I said, "Becky, you think I came through that tiny hole in the window?"
I'm starting to ramble. Long story short, I lost everything, right down to my clothes.
We were together a year and married for several months. We had 50 weeks of laughter and fun and about two weeks of stress, and that was all it took for her to file on me. It took me about a year to figure out what happened and then map out all the alters. There were clearly seven; there was good evidence of three more, and there was some evidence of a few beyond that, but that's speculation.
They had their own clothes, their own hair styles, their own handwriting, their own signatures--everything. They would sometimes not seem to know how we got to where we were. That was the main puzzle piece that put it all together. I started researching amnesia and found my way to D.I.D.
If I seem kind of clinical about this, it's because I'm numb. It has been several years now, and I can't move forward. I'm the kind of person who honors agreements, keeps promises, tells the truth, and tries to be decent person, even though I know I fail sometimes. I think most would consider me a good man. But this whole thing blew my world apart. Losing my faith was as bad or worse than losing my wife and son. It was something that had given me strength since I was a child. It's gone.
I married late, by the way, at 46. I married after decades of praying to meet the right person. I thought she was it. She was perfect. The reality was she just sensed what I wanted and molded herself to meet my needs. For example, she started calling her son "our son" within a few months. I had talked about always wanting to have a son of my own. One of my dreams. She used her son to get me, and then she used her son to hurt me at the end.
I hate the lies told to me about God. If there was one, he would've shown up. And not because I deserved it either--because I prayed for his grace and asked in Christ's name. And I did so with strong faith. I kept telling myself it would be okay and that God would fix things. That was years ago. Now I'm being treated for PTSD, depression, anxiety. There's no way I can get back to where I was.
"My Becky" or "regular Becky" can compartmentalize in the extreme. She hasn't faced me since the moment I started learning about the extent of the lying and the scheming. We were going to go through counseling, but I don't know what happened to that. Regular Becky is terribly ashamed of the horrible things she's done and said, so she's put me out of her mind. I doubt she ever thinks about me. Regular Becky knows the promises we made to one another. She knows the love we shared. She knows the trust we placed in one another, especially the trust I placed in her. So regular Becky can never face me again. That would mean feeling guilty about bad things. Out of sight, out of mind.
You aren't alone but it isn't easy. Stay healthy and find support. I have been married to my wife and her alters (I actually call them shards) for 22 years. At one point, I was exactly where you are. If it helps, after a few months my wife (the host) began calling me asking to reconcile. Similar situation with her parents but add a curfew and constant checking up on. At the time we had been married 10 years and I wasn't aware of her DID. She wouldn't receive the diagnosis for a few more years.
I know its hard but hang in there. We still have periods of time where we separate, sometimes for months and actually are in the midst of a period right now. It is a lot easier to make it through the dark times if you have a support group that can encourage you to be patient. I try to use these periods to focus on my own personal mental health and healing so at the end I am strong enough and prepared to be her support.
There are going to be a lot of rough patches in the future. Try to get a handle on what the alters purpose and motivations are. It exists for a reason. I'm not a counselor but what I've been able to piece together about a similar alter in my wife is that it is very focused on trying to maintain a relationship with abusive parents. I think it was essential for her to survive childhood and there is no magic switch that turns it off just because she is grown and has kids of her own.
If you are really struggling, I suggest seeking a therapist familiar with DID to help you support her in constructive ways. Don't try to be her therapist, just her husband. To do this I know I have needed help and guidance in how to support our spouses with DID.
If you want some more of my experiences let me know here. I can't promise that it will all be helpful. But if it helps you endure the hard times for when she will really need a patient and understanding partner I will share what I can.
Lastly, I imagine all relationships with a DID spouse are exceptional. Exceptionally hard, sometimes exceptionally rough, but also can be exceptionally great. And I have found that it isn't all one sided. Mine has been able to reach down and rescue me when I've been fighting my own personal battles.
She would never disapline the children. The host would switch out. then alters thought hell with these kids. Their not mine.
So the kids thought I was mean because I had to keep the children in line. Their mom spent most of her time as one of several child alters. The child alter played with the kids. So the kids thought mom was great.
Some nights when my wife got off she would get in her car and drive several hundred miles and show up in the middle of the night.
One night she was so sleepy she drove off the rode twice. The same recker company pulled her out both times. They said they had never done that before. Some day's she would pick the kids up and do the same driving for hours and hours. The kids would beg her to take them home.
She ended up in several state hospital and mental health wards. The police would hound me because one child alter would present and drive. In our state it is not against the law to go off the edge of the white line. I don't know how many times I was called by the state police to come pick her and the kids up in the middle of the night.
The doctors and social workers told this was having an effect on the kids like I did know. When she was stable I did divorce her. Shortly after that she started in again.
You, as you are right now, deserve to be in a forever relationship. It is an option but, depending on your triggers and the severity of your dissociation, the relationship may look different that other relationships. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. I've been diagnosed a little over a year. We just realized that we will never have a "normal" sex life (due to the type of abuse I endured). We can grow in emotional intimacy, which we have been doing this past year. My husband and I are also in marriage counseling, which I consider very necessary to us making it. He needs time to process his fears and frustrations in a safe environment just as much as I do.
But, the bigger question that I think you are asking is about your worthiness after being abused. The only way I can wrap my head around it is to think about someother little girl. If a little girl is abused.....Does a little girl deserve the abuse? Did the little girl cause the abuse? Does the abuse mean that she is unclean? The answer to each of these questions is a resounding and loud NO. The little girl did absolutely nothing wrong at all. She was being little and cute and totally innocent. You, Jen, are acceptable now, you, Jen, are a whole person worthy of love and acceptance. What was done to me and to you was horrendous, and causes us to have to work exceptionally hard at life. But, yes, we are worthy of love. And yes, DID makes close relationships difficult....but not impossible.
One thing that I have had to accept is that my husband has had a lot of growing, changing, and learning to do through this journey too. His learning and changing couldn't have happened unless he walked this journey with me through DID. He has learned that throughout our marriage he has blamed me for anything wrong in our marriage where the truth is that it was his lack of care and concern for someone other than himself that caused a lot of his anger and discomfort. He has come a long way in this past year. Before this, he never valued emotional intimacy. Now, he counts it as just as valuable as sexual intimacy.
Also, I want say that after I was first diagnosed that things were quite difficult. But now, things have settled into a bit of a routine and although we go through difficult times they are not as long lasting as before. Please know that you are worthy, valuable, and not stained. You have wounds that with help can heal.
You definitely deserve to, we all do no matter what. I'm no expert in anything, I don't have DID, but I do love a girl who does have it. My advice is to focus on doing everything you can for your own stability and enjoy life, and I believe you'll meet kind, supportive, and understanding people. From there one who will love you as you are, however that happens to be.
Am I ever going to be a person who deserves to be in a forever relationship or is that just not an option for a person like me? I read all the posts before and it is rather discouraging. Because of my past and things I had no control over...I am no longer an acceptable person to love. I have become one of the untouchables...the unclean. Is it possible to be someone with DID and a good partner?
I am right now in the same situation!!!
She put a restraining order for a year and I'm so desperate and worried for our 3 year old baby.
We're married for 8 years and she's been diagnosed for 2 and is in psychotherapy since and it is a very mental challenge for me
That affect everything and now I fell that all that I have gone through and stayed by her ,
Was in vein.
I'm trust that GOD can turn our situation around !
I am learning that all of us that are in a relationship with them are also broken and absolutely can benefit from therapy.
Other wise would be so easy to walk away from a relationship that is so hurtful unfair !
But we have a amazing compassion knowing that they were not born with but harmed so strongly that we find pride of then survived.
Unfortunately for us sometime we are treated as their abusers that they didn't get the chance to fight.
My wife had 10+ alters and I was able to meet all of them and learned about,still did not prepared for the ride!
It must have been terrible to grow up in an environment such as yours. It also must be retraumatizing to see and hear your mother emotionally abuse you again. I do agree that you need to protect yourself. Even if it is your mother, and yes she is struggling, you need to take care of yourself and separate yourself from the abuse. It is healthy for you and for her to have strong boundaries against abuse. Her alters need to learn about appropriate boundaries and can only learn about them if others around her have strong ones. I hope the best for you.
I am very worried, we are having another child soon and he refuses to recognize to get help. I rarely anymore see the real him. It is very stressful and hurtful to always be called names and yelled at, when he was never that way. I stay at home, as that is what the real him what me to do for our kids, but not the others. But I am isolated without a car, which he refuses to get another. He never has enough money and works excessive hours no matter what I say. I will never leave him, but am at a loss of what to do. Should I insist we move back or will that not help? I just don’t know and am very scared for him.