Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.
I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).
3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID
As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:
- Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
- Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
- Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You
Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.
Follow me on Twitter!
Photo by Randy Pagatpatan
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 25 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2011/01/for-partners-living-with-dissociative-identity-disorder
Author: Holly Gray
Hi holly, im in a 5yr relationship i love my partner but finding it hard to accept thst one of my partners alters has fallen in love with someone i dislike. Im trying to understand be strong for both of us. My partner is struggling to accept they are a part of her and have to use her body. She understands they all have a right to a life and so do i. But im strugggling and the alter thats in love is the protector and because ive made mistake in the past by not understanding as fast as they want me to. The alter doesnt care about us anymore. Im trying everyday to work on myself but strugglijg to accept that any day the alter will walk out on me. I wanna be with my partner for the rest of my life but im scared im not gonna be good enough. Im finding it hard to seperate my parter from the main alter as the alter doesnt wanna speak to me. My question is how do i accept this relationshipthe alter has?also how do i accept alwys coming last? Her and her alters come first i accept that but im always left behind always last to know everything im always kept in the dark but yet the alters parter knows almost everything. I dont mean not to feel good enough but honestly cant help it. Please email me i need help just advice
Hi Amy, if the alter you had bad relations is is the protector, then I don’t think you made a mistake in terms of how fast you understood things. Rather it might be that you are perceived as a threat somehow to your partner (if the host or front). If the partner of the alter knows more than you, maybe it’s because that person has asked more about the situation than you have? And it’s more likely (from my experience) that an alter will give out information to people they trust than the host (because the host is the fragile one that they have to protect). But it’s also possible that the alter is trying to keep you away on purpose — again because you may be perceived as a threat. Although it’s sweet and nice that you put them before yourself, I believe that this will only end badly if you don’t take care of yourself.
I agree with this completely. You have to put yourself first. I will not put names or even hints I hope but I just got done talking to my significant others main alter protector for about 4 hours. This was the second alter that has spoken to me for more than 3 hours in the last week. I just discovered, as did my girlfriend, that she has DID for sure and she is struggling to come to terms with it. It is very clear that in the 2 years we have been dating almost all of the conflict we have had came from an alter that I "saw" but didn't realize was another identity. They believed I would judge their host whom I love and will not leave because she struggles with something that isn't her fault. I told her that I would do my best to love and befriend all of her others as long as I believed they have her best interest in mind. It seems they all do so far and the proper medications have helped immensely to keep my girlfriends main personality at the front which is what she wants. I know she has to make peace with all of her alters so that she can be fully healthy and I just want to do what I can to assist that process and I pray thanks to God he has given me the patience to learn not to take personally what an alter may do or say hurtful.
I've been trolling the internet relentlessly for the last couple of months, reaching out to any and everybody, both legally and mental health related. I just happened upon this page and the tears are literally streaming down my face. Just to hear there are people out there like me, it was like exhaling for the first time. I'm not same sex, but I live in Palm Springs :) LOL. (I always fall back on humor when i really just want to collapse.) I've been so immersed and alone in this bubble of mine. i feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me. There are so many questions I have, so many stories i could tell, most of which, at the time i didn't realize what was happening. It is now, now that its too late that I'm putting all the pieces together. Here is basically what I've been putting out there.... I need help!!! My boyfriend , I believe, no, I’m CERTAIN has DID. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)The more I research, the more I know without a doubt. He has not even fully come to grips with it. He is very good at hiding it. Most people just think he's a jerk, but I swear, he has like 17 alters. A good majority are childlike or adolescent. And for every thing that he absolutely hates and will not tolerate, there’s an alter that does that exact thing. It took me a while to put the pieces together. I’m no stranger to mental illness, but this is like nothing I’ve ever seen. The man i fell in love with is the sweetest, funniest, cuddliest and introspective guy. He is always working on himself, admitting his faults and trying to get better. And then, there’s that m@$&#%*%er that has not an ounce of soul behind his eyes. No feelings, no remorse ….. nothing. Just pure hatred. I am not naive nor am I ignorant. And my intuition has always been notable, and everything in me is saying DONT GIVE UP! He has never been treated for or diagnosed properly so he has never even had a chance. He is one of 9 kids raised by a single mother in a Hispanic family where mental illness is not talked about or considered. I know that he for sure has attachment disorder and abandonment issues compiled in there. He is a case study for sure. I have no doubt with the right psychiatrist/therapist who can tap into what caused the dissociation (I am certain it was severe abuse and his vehement denial of such makes me even more certain) he could be a highly functional flourishing individual. He is very smart, driven and kind. This is a person who would NEVER pass a person who needed help, ignore a homeless person, He even negotiates with bugs to get them out the door so he doesn't have to squish them. He is tortured inside. You can’t fake the fear, sadness and defeat you see in his eyes. He thinks he has a demon in him. He feels unworthy of love. The reason I’m asking for help is he is currently in jail awaiting trial for torture and battery…….. I’m the victim. I can tell you , the person who did those things to me was not him. He doesn’t look the same, he doesn’t talk the same and he has NOTHING behind those eyes. This may sound nuts, but I swear , he’s even taller and more muscular. When he is present, I feel nothing. Well, I do, but it’s all bad. I could kill him with my bare hands and dance on top of his dead carcas . Part of me is nothing but relieved to be rid of him. But when I see the light come back to his eyes and the shame and sadness in there, it breaks my heart. Its worse than anything he could do to me. As you know, torture is a life sentence. I can’t let them throw away an entire life without at least trying to save it. I've attended NAMI support groups and they did say not to mention the DID part. As that diagnosis is still not accepted as valid by some. Nobody will listen to me. They all label me as traumatized, making excuses, in denial, codependent.....etc. I have no doubt that I am a lot of those things, but I am also a very smart, educated and strong woman and I have the ability to sift through the BS, and differentiate FACTS from FEELINGS. I've got a long road ahead and i am well aware of the physical and severe emotional damage that i have endured. I know that i need help with that. There's no way I can deal with it alone. I also know that i have all the time in the world to utilize these resources. He, on the other hand, has none of that. So, for now, i am putting my issues aside and forging on! Every day that i wake up, i brush off all of the rejections and try something new. I tell myself "today is going to be the day". I am no quitter! I am a fighter! I know I'm going to do something important, and when I get to the other side of this, i know I'm going to be able to help somebody else who feels just as defeated as I do now. I’m not even saying that I can stay with him because I can’t ever risk being in that place Again. I could've died. But I do know the wounded,tortured and loving soul in there. HE DESERVES A CHANCE!!!! I’m not going to just give up on him and throw him to the wolves. All he's got is me. My words mean nothing to anybody. I need someone to stop what's going on. Put on the brakes and have him evaluated. NOT BY ANOTHER BIASED PERSON ON THE STATES PAYROLL.They claimed that's what they were going to do, but they are liars. His PD won't even return my calls and I guess she doesn't even have any contact with him either. No evaluation has been done and his next court date is the 28th. HE HAS NO IDEA of the magnitude of his situation. Any help would be most appreciated. There is also a criminal protective order keeping him from contacting me. I want to file a motion to have hat removed. I'm the only one out there fighting for his rights. I have nothing left, but my will and determination but Trust, it is fierce! I will do anything to make sure he doesn't get tossed aside with yesterday's trash. Thank you, Tracee Ekins Well, that's my situation in a nutshell. I am struggling with how to deal with HIM because I cant look into his eyes and know how to deliver what I need to say. I struggle with how to deal with THEM because i can't show any emotion at all, otherwise I'm just a victim. This happened April 4th. I have not stopped fighting for a single day since. Court is on Thursday, and I have NOTHING solid. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what it is I am even looking for? Now, of course, he thinks God is going to take care of everything. Until I have a plan in action, I am just letting that one ride with him. Now that I know the various alters, it is anywhere BUT safe to be tapping into any of them where he is now
I don’t know if you will ever see this but email me 25telegram&gmail.com I need someone to talk to who understands it maybe we can share experiences in so alone
Hi just would like to add is if you notice your partner going into one of there mood swings and trust me you will notice it think of a nice place you and your partner recap with your partner over a tea or coffee make sure you are both in a comfy room such as the bedroom and 9 times out of 10 your partner will nod off and you will probably to when they wake they will not remember a thing the was really getting at them they will only remember the lovely chat over a drinks if they do ask you just say to them no we were only chatting we both had a sleep trust me this really works please fill free to email me if it has worked for you.
Hi Gerry, I’m not sure this applies well to DID as their switches aren’t mood swings.
I have a husband of over 50 years both in our 70s. He was seriously sexually abused as a child by his mother. This has created a great need and he has manipulated his life to have a long term similarly affected person he supports on the side. He comes home to me every night. We now have group therap;y. I have been in AA for 18 years, Alanon for over 30. THis has kept me alive. He goes to AA with me now. Quite a number of men in AA have found a place to deal with their abuse and MPD. God is with us.
I'm hoping that you will read this email; I noticed it has been over a year since it was posted. I would so like to share with you. I can't believe the similarities! It has to be God. I have been married 41 years, also in my 70s, husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. I have been looking for someone to share with/support, who can relate to my experience as a partner. I am praying you will see this post.
Thank you very much for your comment. While the original author is no longer available, I am happy to offer my support to you and share my experiences as a married individual with dissociative identity disorder. Supporting someone with DID can be very challenging. I am grateful to have my husband's support. Please feel open and free to share with me so that I may offer my support. Thank you and take care.
My husband was finally been diagnostic with did about 15 yrs ago I always was diapointed by his actions which was there along time ago when his father died ied he really came out cocaine quit hit his job and then started abusive bahavior raping me calling me lesbian then he had to where I was at all times jaws told toldes to leave him but I had no place to go. Things have gotten better but suffer depression and and anxiety I can tell when he changes now but don’t love him anymore but I try to deal but he is still makes scared because I never know what’s up I am trying to be spupported but is. really hard and there nothing I can do I hope others are stronger then me and deal with it
So wondering if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation. My fiancé had informed of his alters, but only recently have I seen or interacted with them. It all started because he met someone. He has 3 alters. Bobby (host, shy), Kitty (female, lesbian, polyamorous extrovert), and HD (aggressive, polyamorous). When we first started dating we discussed having a poly relationship. I said I wasn’t there yet but maybe eventually. Well, Kitty, met a bi girl she is interested in.
All three personalities say they love me, but Kitty and HD really want to pursue this other relationship and I am really struggling. I feel like a third wheel. Has anyone else had an issue with the alters falling in love with someone else? How do you cope?
I don't know what to do my gf (I'm also female) has broken up with me this time over me not being over her leaving me for the person she cheated with that abused her I was indirectly being argumentive n rubbing in her face what she did name calling,saying I forgave her but kept thinking when she was being quiet or not paying attention to me that she still wanted him or loved him I keep telling her if I knew he abused her j wouldn't have raised my voice let alone brought him up as I was a battered woman in the past myself I thought I wasn't being a scary mean person and I was and now that we found our about her disorder I'm thinking back to when she started the lying n cheating (she was also using meth saying she wasn't anymore she'd never done drugs before that time )when she changed the way she treated me n started doing n saying all theese evil things using my past against me I got distant n disconnected n wasn't paying all my attention to her anymore cuz I felt unloved n unwanted I told her my girl would never say n do this things or want someone else it escalated. Got worse resulting into a breakup n j stayed loyal n still pleaded for us to fix things cuz I really felt she wasn't herself it was the drugs she still was even more mean calling me up with the other person there saying how she didn't love me n didn't want new to leave her alone followed by her accusing me of using saying she wasn't n saying she wasn't in the other relationship with whom she cheated with when I knew she was so she was super mean n I was still professing I loved her n I wanted my girl back that he'd never live her like I did long story short as I can make it she finally got rid of him after he abused her n got her on even more types of drugs she almost oded n died so when she wanted me I came running promising I was over it hense the beginning of this comment. This time I was the aggressor I thought she still loved n wanted him when she'd go all ghost on me (not there) n we fought this time when I yelled I seen her clamor n shake and run n I never abused her before so I asked if he put his hands on her she never answered she cried n days later I find on her safari stuff about pregnancy n meth so I flipped cuz she said she never had sex with him she said she did just one time n her period was crazy n she didn't wanna hurt me telling me I told her the like hurt more she said she had to cuz he made her feel bad but again when u tried to talk about it she shut down and there's now I had to deal with court outta state n when I was ready to come home she said I couldn't cuz I hurt her bringing him up n j scared her when I argued I'd never scared her before so I was even more upset I mean I said n did things not thinking n one night drinking around the kids n I really didn't mean to cuz I love her kids like my own truly. Well now I've read about what I was doing that I thought I was innoscent of n now finally understand fully where I was wrong about he argumebtness around the kids n what I was bringing back to her that was painful I've bn basically begging for a second chance now that I know he abused n practically raped her n she has this disorder and I just wanna come home n show her I've changed my actions n k understand now what she went through as I would have before had I had known and the more n more I read about to the this disorder I can't help but think it had alot to do with what happen the first time we been up n I feel I would have tried harder n loved her more id a never stopped giving her attention cuz I fear that that may have bn a factor in pushing her into the arms of an abuser n it's also my fault I'm dunno what I can say is do anymore for she's telling me it'll never work I'll still argue n think she's cheating n I keep telling her I will not I just wanna right my wrong make it up to her n love her through this new disorder she's had since childhood we believe the drugs have awakened she also has issues with her parents being penocostal n in fear they'd disown her if they knew she was gay and still I don't feel and and wanna save her it's not about thatvor her disorder I lived her before I loved her through her leaving me for someone else n inlive her still the same now I just want my relationship n my family back I love her n those girls more than my own life and I don't care how many personalitys come fourth I'll love her still and just the same even the alters that could possibly have set us up for sabotage I know they're just protecting her because she always seemed to be in relationships where someone left her cheated and emothionally abused her making her feel unloveable unwanted n set up for failure Everytime and she's never had a real relationship where it seems like she was tryly lived at all let alone one worth a female when she feels she's bn gay her while life she's bn afraid to cuz of her family n what we had was almost perfect before the drugs n he boy who broke her heart in high School stepped in. I just need advice how can I get her to believe me when everything n everyone inside her is telling her not to to protect her this girl to me is my one true love my soulmate everything I ever wanted in a partner I just want her back I wanna love her and live with her through this she's scared a he disorder she doesn't wanna have it but she does and I just wanna marry this girl n give her the best love that I can the best a everything that I can I dont have alot a $ I can't buy her alot of things but I can love her n take care of her n those girls and be there for her I know I messed up too n she doesn't wanna forgive me but I'm sure one of them does and I'm sure I could show her I've forgiven her n the past is the past now that I've learned things about myself not just her. So plz any advice HELP ME BELP US
I'm dustayalexi just wanted to say I'd appreciate any advice about this dissociation disorder I love my gf and will do whatever it takes to get her through this and live with the disorder plz read my prior comment I know its long bir I explained best I could cuz I really believe when we parted this first time had we know about this recently diagnosed dissociation personality disorder that I could have helped her theough it n all of her alters which we don't know how many yet and I could have worked together and she wouldn't have gotten hurt by my actions and reactions I could have protected her too she's a beautiful person she at first smothered me to death she lives her kids she's loves her family she had the worst time finding n making real true friends and she deserves the best if everything.
I think it’s really important for you to try and emotionally set yourself aside from this situation to get a better grasp. Love is the most powerful, healing force that this universe has to offer; however, you shouldn’t pour everything into someone that isn’t entirely willing to help themselves. By this I mean, her ways of coping with her disorder seem to be drug use and unconsciously (unknowingly) putting herself in traumatic or stressful situations (the ex& deep rooted connectedness to past trauma/recreating it as reality). In order for this to really work, you’d be best to have a conversation with her about coming clean off of the substance(s) she may be using to cope, to talk to her about seeing a counselor or professional that can help her identify her behaviors associated with DID and have a safe space to heal and learn better ways to cope. I can only imagine it’s incredibly difficult for both of you, but she’s very lucky to have a person so dedicated to understanding her such as yourself, I wish both of you all the best. But my grebes today advice to you would be; not to take any of this personally, we’ve all been at low points; it’s different for everyone but always difficult. With love and determination all is possible, just do your best to come from a place of love and concern rather than judgement or criticism when speaking on getting professional help. Lots of people see it as a shot toward who they are, but too many people suffer in silence. It’s incredibly brave to admit you don’t have all the answers, the therapists only lend a hand, you’re the one choosing to get back up no matter how many times you were taken down.
Lots of love to both of you!!
I think that my husband may have DID. He’s been stressed and has been losing time. I have had to keep repeating info to him and it gets frustrating at times. He’s so inconsistent. One day he will like something and the next he will hate it. I find myself walking on eggshells. He only ever allows himself to feel happiness or anger. There is no in between. I’ve discussed him seeing a therapist but he refuses. I have seen a therapist and after explaining his behavior she is the one who asked if he had ever been diagnosed with DID or a personality disorder. After reading about DID, I was able to find some consistency in his behavior. I’m not sure how to ask him about it since he’s always shuts down my suggestion of going to therapy. I see a therapist and it has helped me so much to deal with my past and to learn new coping habits. His behavior is starting to affect not just our relationship but also his relationship with our kids. He’s so guarded and I don’t know how to help him other than to be there for him.
I would suggest you educate yourself as much as possible on the DID. I am just coming out of a 2 year relationship with someone with DID. I have studied and researched. I am the one who figured out she might have Multiple Personalities. She went into therapy to find it to be true. I too felt like you and would do anything to keep her safe and let her know she is loved unconditionally. I love this woman. But there is not just one person in there. There are many and each one has a different relationship with me. The little ones loved me and didn't want me to go. But not all of them a good relationships. Some of the alters loved me and some resented me. And some liked to hang out with me. And others didn't care. It is painful and lonely. I would wait patiently for my girlfriend to show up. I missed her. Still do.
Where we finally got to was I couldn't do it anymore and she didn't want to hurt me. We talked openly about the effects of the DID and what it looked like but then there were other alters who didn't believe they had it. It is so complicated. I read so many books, blogs and websites. Very little support for loved ones of someone with DID but I see more popping up. I do know this: You have to be good with you and you have to care of yourself to live with someone who has DID. You have to have a sense of humor too. Some of it is comical. For me trying so hard to care for my love I neglected me. But it wasn't my love, it was my loves. They are different people in that one body. Sometimes with how much I have educated myself on DID I find it difficult to grasp. One of the books that helped me understand what it might look like inside her mind was by Cameron West titled "First Person Plural". It always helps me not make it about about me when I know she cannot control who pops in and out. She said to me once "We do so well until the DID drives a wedge between us." I replied "Yes, Love"
I have also surrendered to I Can Not Love Her Well!
Peace be with you.
Fiance' acts 100% completely when he is stressed...He is the most caring and sometimes overly attentive to my needs BUT when he gets stressed out or we have an argument (that may or may note a part of something greater than I can probably handle. He says the most hateful things to me, one of which hurt me to the core because I was sent to a treatment center because my depression got so bad, he told me in a heated argument that resulted in catching him in lies, "Just go back to the hospital, I'll help you pack!" Someone who is genuinely loving toward me and will do anything to help another said that to me and I can't process it all. I noticed that he may have something there inside him when I told myself that "he just does not look and sound like himself". He has not been tested and I really don't know-how to bring it to his attention without triggering. He has been lying and making inappropriate comments to other females but when I do confront him this extremely ugly personality comes out, it's the only way I describe it, then " shut up, you fucking bitch, etc" comes out of this person who would die for me. I would say 8/10 times, he doesn't remember even saying those things. I'm so scared for us. I don't know what to do. Everyone here commenting knows their s/o has the disorder, what advice can you give someone that doesn't even know yet what she's dealing with.
When I discovered my husband had DID, he was experiencing flash backs and reliving his childhood trauma. Shortly after this, he had a tingling memory of having an affair. This sparked the first of several trips to the psych hospital. It was then that I started doing reseach about the disorder, and educating myself. two more years of therapy, and med rearrangement and another psych hospital visit. Then For 4 years he was in a drug induced state of Seroquel. No personalities/alters surfaced at this time. "he" wouldn't allow it. He said he would rather be dead than let that ever happen without his knowledge again. In 2016, he decide the Seroquel was killing him, so he ween off of it. And all the alters have reappeared. 7 total. Half of the days, they are a hoot. The other days, I am met with a barrage of accusations about ME having an affair. This is very distorted and delusional thinking. I love them all, even the "mean" one who stirs the proverbial pot. Anyway, the only advise I have is: take a lot of deep breaths, be ready to forgive, be honest, but kind. I have made a lot of mistakes and can only ask for forgivness. It's like a tube of toothpaste, once it comes out, you can't put it back. They hold grudges, but they also forgive. Hope I helped a bit.
I just been diagnosed with conversation Identity Disorder after doctoring for two years. My girlfriend refusing to have any kind of sexual relationship and we been together for 5 years. I'm so hurt and frustrated. She won't even allow me to hug her. I don't know how we can. Get past this.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my S/O's alters. One in particular hates the very air I breath. I can't do anything I do or say is wrong. I've been fighting a lot with the alter and when I argue/fight back he hurts himself. He tells me I'm abusive and I'm a piece of shit. I don't talk to anyone about it, I thought I was handling it, not taking it personally but all I have been doing is crying. I realize that on an intellectual level that this is not the person I love saying these things, but my heart hurts. I feel like I can't dig myself out of this pit, nothing I do to try and fix things is working. The alter is coming out more and more and just literly trying to make me crazy. I'm trying my best but it's not good enough.
I am here with you ♥️
My gf of 5 years is considering integration especially after a huge fight we had been and ended up being an alter trying to keep me from her. I want her to do this if she wants to NOT for me. I was wondering if there is more information out there that I can read on about integration pros cons everything. I know that it's a hard long process but I know she is desperately ill and needing advice and guidance and want to make sure I discuss everything with good knowledge of it.
I'm so confused, heartbroken, and hurt. My spouse of almost a decade was just diagnosed with DID and told me about it last week. We have had hard patches of course. But he has hidden so much from me and himself. Now that we know he is trying to not turn off and let the personalities out. We have two children. 7 and 4. He asked me to really consider and that I can leave if I want but he really needs me as a friend to help navigate how to learn to live like this. It explains so muc. How he can be all over the place every other day. I can't just leave. He finally told me how just how much he doesn't remember. Sometimes he doesn't remember the birth of our children... I am so heartbroken. For him and myself. I don't know what to do. Or where to start. He is in therapy but most of the time his businessy personality thinks couples therapy is a waste of time. I have had a very hard time finding myself a therapist. I have always put my husband and children first. I also suffer from moderate occasional depression and anxiety. He has always been so busy keeping himself in check. It makes total sense now how he just doesn't see me or what I'm going through. Does anyone have a happy life with a spouse with DID? So far I haven't been able to find any happy ending stories. How do I explain to my young children, oh yeah, daddy's a different personality today. So he probably won't want to play with you and will have zero patience if you don't acknowledge him when he speaks to you. Just wait for the other personality to come out and want to play on your bedroom floor with you. I just. What am I supposed to do?!
I have been married to my wife 27 years, she has been diagnosed as having fractured personality, MPD, and the newest one DID. She is no Sybil, all of her alters are fracturing of one personality who may not even be alive any more. I can give possible insight from experience it may help and it may not.
Yeah! That would be great. I totally see the one fractured personality. And no, it's nothing like Sybil or United states of Tara. Part of him is religious/spiritual like me. Some parts think I'm full of shit. Some parts of him support my dreams and want to be involved somehow. Other parts again think "oh that's nice ?, you have fun with that." So it's looking like I have to just realize when to keep my mouth shut and just keep it to myself? Sometimes I'll have a partner, other times an aquantence who just kind of puts up with me like a room mate?
When you think you are all alone and then read something like this. My wife was just diagnosed and it's been a blessing and also overwhelming. Just reading others having the same issues makes this world a little less lonely and terrifying.
Can I get some advice?
I was talking to a guy for almost a month when I couldn't meet him for dinner one night he got a little upset but said he understood. A few days after he wasn't replying to my messages as much. He finally told me he had another personality named Travis and that he had be flipping on and off. Just a few days ago he sent me a text saying leave us alone Tyler is a loser and he don't need to be happy. I am very hurt and want to talk to Tyler but Travis won't let me. What can I do?
It's understandable that you are hurt. It's difficult to communicate with a system when there are parts who do not agree with the relationship. There may also be parts involved who sabotage in order to protect everyone in the system. You can't force it. You may have to be patient until Travis backs away to talk with Tyler.
I've encountered similar situations with my girlfriend who has 18 alters of varying ages. My advice would be to talk to Travis and ask if it's ok to talk with him (Travis) and try to find out more. Why does he think Tyler is a "loser". It feels like Travis doesn't trust you or doesn't want Tyler to be happy. We "Singletons" do that too with self destructive behavior. With my girlfriend's alters I took the time to get to know those that come out regularly and first PROVE to them that they can trust me. Without that, you'll never get anywhere. DID can be challenging to maneuver for us, but it's even more so for them. We have a choice. They don't. So if you're in it, be honest, be vulnerable, set boundaries and respect theirs. If you need to chat more, let me know. :-)
I mentioned your situation to my girlfriend and she had a few thoughts. When you made a date and broke it, he may subconsciously reacted by switching to the fear of rejection even though he said it was no big deal. Just curious, did you follow up with a rescheduled date or give him attention immediately afterwards? She said DID alters are usually formed very early in life through some type of trauma. It's hard for them to trust. Even a simple change of plans without reassurance or a reschedule can lead to feelings of rejection or a new trauma. He may have reached a point of intimacy to where he now wants to test you. Will you run, will you agree with the "loser" assessment?
Sorry to post here, but I couldn't find the new comment spot. But I need advice too.
I'm almost 39, have had mpd since I was 3. And I have always had the problem of making friends. While I have been married, had 2 wonderful children, been divorced, n currently in a relationship for almost 5 yrs to the most wonderful man alive, I just can't make a true "friend". I have learned years ago that I just can't trust anyone, or tell anyone my deepest, most darkest secret. That there are several of "Me". My boyfriend will tell you at least 6. I gave up 10 yrs ago trying to figure out how many there are. My dr said there were at least 4. I'm not close to my family back home. My kids I see rarely cause their father refuses to let them talk to me, even tho I raised them by myself for 14 yrs. I've lost many good jobs due to my disappearing act. People think I'm on drugs cause I'm never "the same" and I am always losing or gaining weight.
Anyhow, My boyfriend and I are going through some hard times right now, and the more stress there is, the worse things are at home. I recently confided to a "friend" from work who we have know for three yrs, about the others. I thought I could actually trust her. I've always been there for her in her times of need, wither it was guy issues, her friend issues, or even if she needed a few items from the store. Confiding in her was a BIG mistake.
I work, but it's not enough. We can't afford groceries and gas for my car right now. I don't get food stamps. She was going to the store and asked if we needed anything. Just milk n a bag of cereal was all I asked for. We had NOTHING. Our landlord even had to come in the house and look in our fridge and cabinets to see that we truly had no food in the house. They thought we were lying. I had been bring food home from work for my bf and animals. But a manager refused to let me do that any more. While letting the next coworker needing food for her family to go in and grab $50 worth. Like I said, everyone thinks I'm on drugs. Anyhow, we hadn't heard from my "friend" about the milk n cereal, and when I texted her, she did the same thing all the other so called "friends" do to me. Told me I was crazy and that she never said that she would help us out. That hurt. Cause I thought she was a true friend. And I remember her telling me at work that she would help. Not that she is obligated to help, but she said she wanted to. And now the mind games began. And I hate the mind games people play with me when they figure out I'm a little off in the head. And I always figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while, and I look like a fool, trusting her and being there for her or whoever, while they play their game with me. But I come back and figure it all out. And once again, learned I just can't trust anyone but my man. And I'm tired of it. But I let it go. I'm not out to get her or anything, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I woke up Thursday morning 5 hrs from home in some rest stop with no phone, scaring my boyfriend and missing work. My boss thankfully not firing me. But no longer finding me reliable.
While my boyfriend understands and loves me, I don't know how much longer he can deal with it, and I don't know how to talk to my boss so she understands. And my "friend", I'll continue to be nice to her, but there is absolutely no trust there any more. And just because I'm use to this happening, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurts. Cause it does.
So how can I talk to my boss and get at least her to understand my downfalls? Cause the older I get, the harder it is to keep it together. And we can't afford for me to not work.
Im so confused. What do y'all mean by "Alter?"
the other person or persons that share your mind and body
Alters are another name for alternate identities, parts, etc.
So my girlfriend has DID. Which I'm totally ok with. But the alters want to date people and have intercorse and stuff but idk how I feel about it. Help me?
Hello! Sorry to comment here but has anyone here experienced alters trying to become romantic with main personalities, or sharing a common head space in general? I’m confused and I want to help but to help I need to be knowledgeable.
Hi everyone, wow you're all echoing my life right now. This is soul diminishing isn't it?!?!? I'd never heard of DID, I just chanced upon it during one of my numerous web searches asking for help with my fiancé of 7 years. I too thought at first it was because he was hooked on drugs, then I thought it was the alcohol, then whatever else was thrown my way. But it's only because of chancing upon a description of DID that I was able to look back at our past, very tumultuous relationship, that I began to 'see' when he changed, and how often he changed. Surely there HAS to be a way to talk to them, the host, or to draw them out of hiding?!?!? I've been told once, when I asked when my partner was coming back, "he's not coming back!" Is what I was told. That was 2 years ago and our relationship has been no where near as close as it used to be. I'm starting to think he actually hasn't come back and I've been trying to fix our relationship with an alter.
I've witnessed a switch. This probably sounds melodramatic but it really did look like his eyes rolled back in his head (they didn't) but his eyes became very, very dark, his face seemed to darken too, and any signs of empathy disappeared completely. I call this one the gatekeeper.
The thing is before I was aware of what I was dealing with I said some pretty dumb things to him. I thought at one stage he was possessed, so I walked up to him, looked him dead in the eye and said "give it your best shot buddy, you don't frighten me. If anything YOU should be scared of me!" ..... oops! That's the LAST thing he needed to hear. ☹️
Oh this is so heartbreaking. He's moved back in with his parents and I know/feel very strongly that they are either the cause of this or they've tried to bury it, cover it up and just pretend nothing happened. Because around them is when he switches more often. Like the rest of you, I just don't know what to do or where to go for help. I've promised him I won't abandon him. I never have and never will, but he has shut the door on me! So what do I do?
I am going through the same thing. There's no professional help on our small town. I don't know what to do. I've said the same things to him as you did. At the time I had no idea he had DID. He has four alters and one is really mean. I don't know what to do. We were together for ten years and then we married and that's when things changed.
I was reading this and it struck a cord with me. I usually don't leave comments, but I just want to say that my mom has d.i.d. and this is a confirmation for me. No matter all the goods things I've done for her, she makes me out to be the villain. She went to extremes and helped other people to bring me down. I don't take it personally, because I recognized that something wasn't right when I was a kid. It doesn't feel good with the abusive behaviors of my mom, but I've learned to keep my distance and set boundaries
Can someone send me a email about this i Have a partner and we are going true a horrible stage of did and I have to talk to someone that has it too to get a diffrent view point.
I met a guy online started out as a friendship within 2 wks I decided he seemed harmless then he told me he loves me after a month that's a red flag. As the relationship progressed he flipped then act as nothing happened. He plays people just like teens do between parents to get what he needs. He mentioned he grew up in an abusive home. But then he says his mom's a cardiologist Dr. He graduated high school early joined the Navy and college. I had a worse childhood and dealt with it. What he'd tell me never made sense I'd catch him in lies. I'm 10 yrs older than him. He's destroyed the other families house where he was living he's not from here so of course I felt bad excused his behavior on alcohol. I told him he can't drink alcohol and he needed to seek help. He's been here 9 months we dated for 7 on and off. I recently found out he has a gay alter this person showed me the picture my ex sent him a dick pic and a message professing his love for the married man. He gets lost easy and panics. I constantly have to repeat myself. In the meantime I have a disabled son I'm disabled with rare spine disease and my dad is fighting cancer an aggressive cancer. He's too much to deal with especially when he adds more problems. My ex never said he has DID. He is on disability he told me he lied to get it. I figured it was because he was in the military. He's told me he has iq of 160. He doesn't act like he does in the last 4 months he's been arrested 4 times. He's 38yrs old and never got his driver's license. I had him removed from my home. It's been over a wk. He's still bothering me I've blocked 6 numbers he's called me from. He's on probation and homeless I even told him please go find someone else. He uses emotional blackmail to get his way. It's draining I think he sneaks on my property and sleeps behind my garage ugh he can go to the homeless shelter what else can I do so he'll leave me alone I feel he's obsessed with me.
I have been married for 3 years, and we have been together on and off for about 8 years. Recently, it seems my wife can not get over issues we had together in the past. She only blames me. It always my fault. The past 6 months I have been beating myself up over this, but recently when I was removed from our relationship by an order of protection, I could finally see things differently. In the order, my wife stated I had issues such as I abuse my legal meds, I am mean to my stepson, when everyone else knows differently. If I ever made 1 mistake, it is held against me to this day. What didn't make since in the order of protection, is that she told fabrications about me being an abuser of my meds,( since I did not stop taking them after my 1 yr old son accidently digested part of one,) yet she still allowed visitation with her alone with the kids and I. It is as she had to control the circumstances of our relationship.
My wife had a very difficult childhood. She only gave me glimpses into the past. Her parents where constantly fighting in front of her, and she once told me about her mom throwing glass dishes at her. Along with this, she had an accident in which she fell on a 4 inch knife and has a large unexplained gash in the back of her head. She to this day, doesn't know what this is from, but based upon her hating her parents for a number of years, I believe she thinks it was because of them. Like dropping her as a baby.
Given the difficult past of my wife, and the back and forth of her treatment of me, I found many similiarities between DID and her.
Yet, I don't want to accuse her of this? I have asked her to go to counseling with me, but she refuses. She told other she would go to marriage counseling, but when she talks to me, it comes to my issues. This is really how its been for the past 3 months. But prior, one minute she would love me, the other she would hate me. In the last months, we would be getting along great and then, all the sudden, it was as she put up her guard and was someone else.
What really hurts, is my wife has been through this before. In her first marriage, she completely removed my stepsons biological father and grandparents from his life. She never even had the discussion with my son, about his legal last name. He learned his legal first name on the first day of 4th grade when he attended a public school and they required him to use his legal name. Based on what I gathered over the years, the dad and family tried, but after 2 years, they called it quits since his dad wasn't that attached after 4 months with my stepson when he was a baby.
Now, I have an order, and it is turning into the same scenario. At first the order was place against me, and now she has told my parent they can no longer see the kids, because I am mismanaging the money. Yet we came to agreement in court on this, and this was her idea, now when it effects what she wants to do, it sets her off. And just days before, she was crying and breaking down in my arms, and then she wants to have me arrested the next week.
I am not a doctor. And the last thing I want to do is make this claim in court, but if anyone that reads this maybe able to offer some suggestions, outside of get out of the relationship, it would be appreciated. I am fine moving on, I've accepted that over the past 6 weeks of the order, but now my concern is how to move forward, so I can still be in my 3 kids lives.
I have been reading a number of articles, about behavior similar to my wifes, and DID and her have a lot in common.
Oh please tell me this site or link is still up. I have so many questions.
My husbands suffers from DID and paranoia schizophrenic . We've been married for 12 years, and it has been extremely difficult. He has left me multiple times and has had affairs, which were my fault due to him thinking I was cheating. He has moved us from state to state away from my children and family. I feel isolated and alone. He doesn't sleep, every noise he hears, makes him Paranoid. He thinks someone is in the house, or that I'm hiding a man under the bed.He has the house with Booby traps, constantly accusing me of cheating or hiding things. He is watching my every mood, makes me feel as if I am a bad person. I'm lost and torn on how to handle him at times. I don't feel safe at times due to mean scary threats he makes. I don't know how much more I can take. I love him dearly and have supported him thru all of this yet I feel as I'm being punished for his altars. What to do? Lost and alone joy
I didn't intend to comment here but Joy I would love to get in touch with you. My husband has exactly the same conditions and I know for a fact I am unsafe. My husband has more than once held me hostage with a knife to my throat or scalp or eye or knees and I also feel so incredibly alone. I can't talk to any of my professors at uni because title ix will require them to make a report and I don't want bad things for him I just want him to get some help. But it's hard for me too, he calls me an asshole or a bitch pretty much every day, he is constantly gaslighting me telling me where I "really was" instead of at school or the store or whatever place I told him I was (and actually was). He accuses me of cheating multiple times every day and in the last month has left my body bruised and even hit my head hard enough I am pretty sure I had a concussion. I even experienced difficulties walking and some fairly severe dysgraphia. I thought for sure I had some brain damage at the time but it seems to have healed ok. I can't imagine anyone in my life really cares, even when I have pointed out the bruises (he's good at making sure they are places easily covered like my breasts, stomach or thighs) most people even those who are supposed to care just sort of shy away and change the subject. On the extremely rare occasion that my family does come to visit they spend their time complaining about the broken things, holes in the walls and how cluttered the house is rather than taking thirty seconds to ask if things are ok. They aren't. He has been bitching lately that I don't trust him and the truth is I don't, how can I trust a man who can go from sweet, loving and supportive to literally a different person who is violent and angry and mean all because he didn't like my tone when I said "no" or because he's SURE that I'm lying when I said I put the leftovers away last night since he can't find them today. The dog is my only friend and I feel so guilty for keeping her because he has during episodes choked her or held a piece of broken glass to her throat and threatened to flay her (skin her alive). I told him once that I thought maybe we should give her to my mom or someone else after one such episode because I thought it wasn't likely we would go the rest of our lives without another fight. That meant I was an asshole too, I was choked that time. I sometimes wish he would just kill me and get it over with but I'm afraid too, how much does it hurt to have your throat slit? He'll make sure it's alot I assure you.
its not your fault he had affairs because he “thought” u were cheating. That is unacceptable.
Oh dear Joy... I am so sorry for your turmoil. I have no medical answers for you however I am a minister and I just wanted to express to you my heartfelt love and concern for you. Do you have a bible? If you do I can send you some verses that give so much hope and promises for our future. This WILL PASS Joy. I will pray for you. And know that our heavenly Father sees your pain, as well as the pain with which your husband suffers. Take care of yourself and please email me if you would like to have those healing verses.
Hi I am a 37 year old male who is now living with a 44 year old woman who I love and care for more than life itself...I have come to the conclusion that she suffers from DID relating to an horror of a child hood where sexual abuse was very evident... I have been with her for almost 4 years now and about 2 years ago we had a heart to heart where she admitted that because of her past she does not enjoy sexual encounters with me...this at first upset me but I quickly realized that this was not her fault...but something she found very difficult to live with she also gave me the name of the person that had done these terrible things...and described to me how when she reached adolescent age she became brave enough to tell someone...and they shut it down accused her of lying and completely disbelieved her...well i believed her and thought that i would contact the police in order for her to tell her story and get some sort of closure knowing that i would be right there with her...well short story for the 3 years constantly and regular every week the person had done this to my gorgeous woman was let off the hook and we were told that he had served his time for the crime against her and had served 250 hours community service...well obviously I had to stand by and watch my woman fall to pieces...since that moment it has got a lot worst...I.e her being triggered... Switching and the rage and violence that she will take on...all I am asking is if there is anyone with any advice whatsoever...? I love her and I am definitely in for the long haul...and am willing to help her in anyway I can..:)
Thank you for your time in reading this.