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Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less

August 23, 2010 Holly Gray

Today, I'm pausing my discussion of the contributing factors in the development of Dissociative Identity Disorder to talk about Dissociative Identity Disorder and relationships. Navigating relationships may be the single biggest challenge I encounter living with DID. I see the havoc my disorder wreaks on my most intimate relationships and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I watch my partner in particular struggle with abandonment, loneliness, and the chaotic nature of DID and I know that more personalities doesn't always mean more love.

By LittleMissPip

Sometimes More is Less

I met a woman once who told me that " ... a pound of crazy weighs more than ten pounds of awesome." It hurt to hear and that comment is a big part of why we never became friends. Even so, I see her point. Sometimes all the fabulous I can muster can't compete with the destabilizing effects of DID. Loving me means accepting abandonment, making friends with loneliness, and strapping yourself in for a wild and sometimes nauseating ride. One day you're loved and adored, the next you're treated with cold indifference. Some alters see you as a comrade, but not a romantic partner. To some you're a nuisance; to some a playmate. To others you're a stranger, or even a threat. And it isn't as though you can choose who you interact with or, as in my case, even expect the courtesy of knowing who you're dealing with at any given moment. Intimate relationships are difficult enough without that degree of ambiguity and inconsistency. Love cannot live on sporadic nourishment, no matter how delicious.

Everyone seems to grow thin with me
and their eyes grow black as hunters' eyes
and search my face for sustenance.
All my friends are dying of hunger,
there is some basic dish I cannot offer,
and you my love are almost as lean
as the splendid wolf I must keep always
at my door. -from Memoirs of a Mad Cook, by Gwendolyn MacEwen

Sometimes Less is Enough

My partner has learned to live with hunger. Parts of my system have worked tirelessly to push her away, with many near-successes. She's in a relationship with someone who repeatedly leaves. Once she described it to me saying:

"Imagine you're having a conversation with someone. In the middle of your sentence, they turn to stare out the window and they're gone. You're talking to yourself."

This kind of small abandonment is part of her daily life. The loneliness that results is bound to be all the more frustrating knowing that somewhere in that body is your partner, but you can't get to them. I vacillate between struggle to alleviate that loneliness and feeling resentful of it. I can't make up for all the losses in my intimate relationships without incurring some of my own. So my partner and I try to accept the limits of DID. Fortunately for me, she decided long ago that ten pounds of awesome does in fact weigh more than a pound of crazy.

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APA Reference
Gray, H. (2010, August 23). Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2010/08/love-and-did-sometimes-more-is-less



Author: Holly Gray

Jemma
says:
May, 14 2019 at 5:49 am
So I'm dating someone with did, and they have 3 alters. But the system has a negative alter they call alpha that recently took control of the host and I'm pretty sure alpha is going to be in control for a while. I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do.
Jemma
says:
May, 13 2019 at 8:39 pm
I'm currently dating someone with DID for about 2 months now, and they have 3 alters, but one of them is a negative alter he calls Alpha. One of his other alters warned me that if anyone were to mention anything about popularity, Alpha would take over the host. Alpha took control of the host while he was riding the bus home today and I feel as If I can't do anything to help him, I talked to Alpha over text and I feel like the negative alter isn't going to let the host take control anytime soon, and I just don't know what to do.
Zamo
says:
May, 8 2019 at 4:17 am
Hey my name is Zamo, my lover suffers from DID, well it started back in 2017 he thought and probably still thinks he's possessed. Ever since it started he's been pushing me away telling me to stay the hell away from him for some reason. Then after some time, sometimes after a few hours sometimes after a few days or even a couple of months he's come back and tell me how sorry he is and how he can't live without me and how he's never loved anyone like he loves me. Bc I love him i let him back in. He's practically the only person i trust with my life even though he's a ticking bomb. Idk but something about that just makes fall even more in love w him. He's the only man I've ever loved.

We're really too young for all of this. But I try in all ways possible. I'm even considering studying psychology to just understand more about this disorder. Currently we've separated and he's been pushing me away, ignoring my calls and driving himself crazy. I text him almost everyday to show him that I care since he won't answer my calls. He sent me a message just once last week Wednesday wishing me a good day and reminding me to take care of myself. I won't give up on him, i love him and he knows it. I just don't know what do anymore and it's driving me insane pls help!
Marley
says:
March, 19 2019 at 12:38 pm
Does anyone know anything about DID and using a polyamorous relationship to balance things out? I've found in my latest relationship that adopting a thrupple idea with my girlfriend seems to work for the system (a 3 girl thrupple) for me it really seems like everyone gets the right amount of attention just when they need it.
CS
says:
March, 27 2019 at 2:07 pm
Yes. I'm close to two people with DID, and non-monogamy is a godsend. I don't think these relationships would thrive or possibly even endure without them having the flexibility non-monogamy allows, as well as me being able to get support and stability from other relationships (though both my DID darlings give me everything they've got and are amazing, inspiring people—well worth the effort and periodic heartache <3).
Shaateezy
says:
December, 26 2018 at 2:33 pm
Help pls email me wanna get some feedback urgently
Lexey and Will
says:
December, 27 2018 at 2:36 pm
Could I maybe be some help? My email is lexeysheridanart@yahoo.com if you want to reach out to me privately
Mona
says:
November, 6 2018 at 5:06 pm
I have DID and I just recently found out last summer. I just started a new relationship but my alters keep trying to reach out to my ex bc they believe we are suppose to be with him. I fight with them all day long and they dont like my currebt SO. We talk about getting married but they dont think she can handle us. I'm scared im making the wrong choices all the time and i dont know what to do or what im in control of anymore. They drive her away and then i bring her back. I haven't told my current SO that they contacted him. I have blocked him a few times hoping my alters will get the clue to stop. I feel like i should be by myself bc i cant control my/their actions and words. I have one thats really mean when i get upset and switch. I need help to navigate all this. The few stories i read about people having and keeping relationships is hopeful but is it really fair to be with someone and make them suffer forever?
Y.S
says:
October, 5 2018 at 1:55 am
I needed to write this somewhere because for the past month I've been searching for a way to help my loved one. But failed to find any solution...
I met him 5 years ago, knew he had DID but still fell for him. He had a gf at the time so I stepped back and the moment he broke up with his gf I stepped back further causing him to think I abandoned him... Because of that, he got with another girl for 3 years and when he decided he wants to be with me he broke off with her but it was pretty ugly as I thought he clarified everything the moment he got with me but after he went back to another country because of his studies, I found out he had to meet his ex to give her a closure.
The most dramatic part was, we had shared a lovely 2 and a half month together as a couple, only to be separated because of his concussion. He got robbed when he was going to find his ex and because he couldn't contact me, I was frantically worried but honestly, I hated the fact that he was with his ex the whole time.
He told me another alter took over and then we didn't talk for a while and after a few days, his other alter told me that his memories are messed up and he thinks he is still with his ex. I suspect I have BPD so at this point, I could only feel him leaving me.
Thoughts on my mind at that time were pretty obvious which was just how I was not enough for him and he probably loved his ex more than me and what he told me were just lies. Which was why he could leave me so easily 3 years ago and this wouldn't be an exception...
I believed those and it made our relationship even harder... especially when he completely disappeared. His other alter was all over his ex and I had to hear all those from his alter... Being miles away from him, I wish I could have just went over and maybe try to make things right but knowing that I may actually be useless in the end... that I am actually not loved by him killed me... Because of his DID, I too made myself think I have DID or more like I went all the way to isolate myself and created another character that could help me live and take care of myself.
Till today, I still miss him and recently I got to talk to his alter whom said that he is around but he isn't the one that I know... His alter said that the him now is emotionless and that just made me felt guilty because I feel as if I made him this way... If I never appeared , he would never had to suffer like this.. But I really want to work things out with him...
I know I may deserve someone better or he may too but I really just want to be with him, support him and at least I just want to work things out with him during this tough period... I really wish he would come back and patch things up with me..
I told his alter I would wait for him for 2 years but... as time pass, I'm healing.. The want to be with him doesn't change but I'm scared that he'd just run away from me like before and... I'm trying so hard to fight and survive but I don't know what to do... I just want him back... I just want him to be happy, healthy and safe...
Please come back...

Yuki
Bek
says:
August, 28 2018 at 7:22 am
Firstly, thank you so much for this post. I was engaged to a woman who I now believe to have had DID. It's strange because I'd prior researched DID years before meeting her and when I was in a relationship the thought didn't even cross my mind that she may have had DID. I was raised in a Christian home and the belief was that people who suffer from DID are in actual fact possessed, a belief which I do not agree with in the slightest after being engaged to a sufferer. I say sufferer but in actual fact I love the fact that she has this condition. I love her personalities and I naturally treated each of them differently. We called the child "little her" and (I'm assuming the host) "big her", she'd also switch to (what I was lead to believe was our future children). I would go with her into her flashbacks and help her escape from her traumatic experiences. She knew that her safe place was with me and when I would say certain words or play a specific song I had made she would switch back and come out of her flashback. She would have many seizures, she told me that she had been diagnosed with MND, which is a terminal illness, and that she didn't have long to live. She suffered with anxiety and OCD. She said that was the reason why her body would shut down and she would have seizures due to an allergic reaction to her medication. We went through a lot together in such a short space of time and it's the most intense relationship I've ever been in. It was strange because I was able to communicate with her telepathically (I know that sounds weird but it's true). She could hear everything I was thinking. Things changed when one time she came out of the bathroom and looked at me as though she didn't have a clue who I was. I then had to explain to her what had happened over the past few months, big events that she had no recolection of. She looked at me as though I was a stranger and she didn't trust me, that hurt beyond belief. Because I didn't know exactly what was going on I started to get suspicious of her. A lot of her actions (constantly disappearing, being off with me, starting arguments just so she could leave) lead me to believe that there was something else going on. I eventually found out that she was literally living a double life. She was already in a relationship and had children. I don't know who I was engaged to. This broke me. I still believe there's a part of her that loves me as I do her but for whatever reason that part is not allowed to take control. Side note, because this is also quite interesting. She was able to tell the future and when I mentioned about me talking to her alters that I believed to be our children, well, strangely after parting I ended up getting into another relationship with a woman who was the same age as "little her" and her younger siblings had the exact same character traits, ages and even one of them has the same name as her alters that I believed to be our children. I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm always going to love her, I feel as though she's my twin flame. I really bought into her past almost as though it was my own (in a different lifetime). I hope she's okay and that she finds love because she truly deserves it. My life is better for the fact of meeting her. For one, I'd still be living in the closet now if she didn't help me. She opened my eyes to so much and I thank every part of her. I don't really know why I wrote this I just needed to share my story with someone who might understand.
Bek
says:
August, 28 2018 at 7:25 am
Side Note... the "little her" I'm referring to is 18 before anyone gets the wrong idea.
Marlie
says:
August, 6 2018 at 8:26 pm
Hey I just came across this article and it completely blew my mind. I was diagnosed with DID from my psychiatrist about a year and a half ago but what they described was nothing like this at all. i was talking to her about how i was feeling and missing time and forgetting and feeling like i was squished in my own skin or taller and broader than i really am and it always made things so difficult. i cant keep my thoughts together and it seems like every few seconds i'm loosing track of something and its like im slowly losing my mind.
i can remember the most random things but i cant for the life of me put a name to a face or remember what someone just said or forget what im saying while im saying it...half of what comes out of my mouth feels like nonesense....i dont know...i guess im at plate 0 and just realizing there's other people in my head and it scares me, makes me wonder if I'm just an alter ...makes me worry about...everything...
Nik
says:
July, 21 2018 at 11:16 am
I was a significant other of someone with DID. In the beginning, she told me about having "alter egos" and the way people joke about that and use the word "crazy" so loosely, I thought she was joking. She never sat me down and discussed it seriously or let me know what I was getting into. Because of that, I didn't understand why our relationship mimicked an EKG report. The up and down wore me out! It wasn't until I witnessed her going from child like to the mean version that I knew she really was battling DID. it was then when I started reading up on it to learn more and see if there is help for it. I told her that I read up on it and that support groups and therapy is possible. Her response was that she thought she was beyond help. I told her that I had read stories about people who thought the same thing but once they got help they were good. She still showed no interest. I told her that I'd be there for her and go with her, she still made excuses. When we would get into it because she was having an alter it would drain me so much. I couldn't see staying with her if she refused to get help. I feel bad because I know it's not her fault, it's the condition. It would start to affect my every day life and how I interacted with people. I couldn't let that happen. I will always love her. In addition to did she also suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. All of which she refused medication because she feels it's poison. I am so happy to have found this forum and I hope people are still responding because I would love a response to my situation.
Nico Green
says:
June, 3 2018 at 5:32 am
Hi Holly,
Your article is exactly what I've lived through. My now ex bf of 7 months he suffers from DID. I was with him through 2 major changes the first one 5 and half months was with an alter, then the last month and half was with the one born in the body. They were both loving and caring and I grew to love them both deeply. They had said that they were the last two personalities left. I was a judgement free place for them to communicate about the others and their feelings and it seems they appreciated it. But they never told me about this 3rd one. He laims he was caused my some severe head trauma at a very early age and he was not created by the person born in the body and is wired differently. Is that even possible? Well this third personality doesn't do relationships so we instantly we broken up. I tried to get to know him, we have went out and hung out. But he finally told me he doesnt find me sexually attractive. Im really heartbroken he is so cold and distant. I had to go over and give back keys and get my medicines and belongings from his place. Its crazy how one alter can totally turn a persons world upside down. Its really been hard for me wanting the others but their gone now. People have been telling me to leave the whole situation alone. I know he is dealing with way more than me being gone for 5 years but he cares nothing about how it affects me.
Quinn
says:
May, 20 2018 at 2:47 pm
I have developing DID, I have gone from having 2 alters over 10 years to now having 6, one of which is a 5/6 year old girl called Ellie (which being a 29 year old man Is a challenge) my partner now worries about my switch in states during Sex, in her words “You are a man who I love and want to sleep with, but Also a 6 year old girl who wants to be my best friend, it’s a mindfuck
What the hell can I say!
Clay
says:
February, 27 2018 at 10:07 pm
Hi Nicolle, I personally struggle with DID and have been in therapy for the past two years. Something you need to keep an open mind is that we truly believe we are monsters due to the serious extreme trauma we have endured. When his protector is telling you to keep away this is a part of him that is utterly terrified of love. For him to accept love he has to accept how damaged he is. Please remember you cannot rescue or change someone if they are not ready. Chaos and lack of love and support is all we grew up knowing and as a protector it feels safer to continue in an environment we know best or learned to survive. His protector wants you to be safe and the only way he knows how is to push you away from himself. I want you to be safe and I have had my own abusive behaviours in a relationship please ensure your safety above all. There is hope however but he needs to be able to process the trauma with a lot of help and support. The pain you speak of is the love we know best it is a reminder of the love we never had. your trying to rationalize something that is not rational. At the end of the day like any relationship does his good outweigh the bad and can you live like this long term. He will need to love an accept all these parts to love you. Even his darkest part needs the light and will take time to grow. Please ask him to get help and that you realize it will take time and he has all the time in the world. Do not threaten abandonment as you will have a war! in time with the right support both of you wil be able to make the decision if the relationship is healthy! Please make sure your safe!
Abby
says:
February, 18 2018 at 3:45 pm
What are the signs of DID? Should I ask my bf if he has this? Maybe he doesn’t know, could it be BPD? I’ve been involved with him for about 6 months but he travels for work and doesn’t communicate at all when he’s on business trips.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Becca Hargis
says:
February, 20 2018 at 7:08 am
Hi, Abby. The signs of DID vary by person. Speaking only for me, I had time loss, blackouts, hearing voices inside my head, headaches, different handwriting, among other things. I am wondering if lack of communication is the only reason you would approach your bf if he has DID or BPD? I've never heard of lack of communication as a symptom of DID or BPD. Either way, I can't tell you to whether or not to ask him, but if you do decide to discuss his behavior, I wonder if asking him about his lack of communication would be a better option? Another thought might be why do you think lack of communication equals a mental issues? All the best to you.
mikel ravizza
says:
January, 31 2018 at 12:48 am
I'm am an american living in Bangkok.. I can speak and read Thai. However I met a Khmer guy (Cambodian)
and fell in love with him here in Bangkok.. I had never been in love before, I was not looking for
love.. funny how that happens. Luckily I was also learning. Khmer (Cambodian) because he does not speak
anything but that. .. Even though I can write, and we live together, for three years this
relationship has been the most beautiful,and most painful thing I had ever experienced.

It took a year for me to touch him in bed. Two weeks ago we had a big argument because he did not
come home until 6am. As I approached him, he started talking about himself in the third person. His name
is Dara, but he saying "How could you do this to Dara?" .. Not getting it, I told Dara how sorry I was, his reply,
"I am not Dara".. he turned and walked away... He would not tell me his name. I then realized I was talking to a female.
She said, Dara is crying, and she comes when the family or I hurt him. I had hurt him... This was some sort of protector .. now
I get it.. and lately she shows up all the time. She hates me.

That was enough to crack this puzzle.. This three year puzzle. I was always suspecting more people were involved, I even accused
him of having a secret evil twin brother that he never told me about. Thank god for alittle levity in this tortured existance.
its not been all pain.. On Christmas morning, Dara gave me a Rose. I"m easy.. I loved it.. just flower but I loved it..,
but he was standing there he would not leave... I'm holding the rose and well, you see Dara can't talk much about his feelings.
The others seem to have stolen his voice for emotions.. He was smiling and doing a semi grunt.. Baffled, I guess...he wants me to
put the rose in water.!!. I rush to the kitchen with the
Rose, but Dara is following me.. smiling but looking very fustrated.. .Then he looks down at the rose, and so do I, and in the flower is a
ring.. He was asked me to marry him on Christmas day.. I was blown to Juipeter and back.. so beautiful.. But only a few weeks later apocalypse distruction..
,he is gone(again). Well we go alot from each other. alot alot. But within 24 hours we are chatting and exchainging sorrys.. But lately
he says I've been hurting him everyday. He said he does not want to see me hurt. Then for the first time I told him about last week.. I've seen his others.
I've seen his protector. Meakly he mumbled "a girl?".. Bingo.. But no more talking about this. He is so shy and so private, and I feel like I have just ripped
open his skull and exposed every secret, hiding in every nook and crany of his 24 year old life to CNN. .
But he did not deny it. he just said "I hope I'm better soon". That lead me to the web.. and thank god here.
I've bee nreading this blog, and it just fits.. ITs so amazingly helpful. Its the first help I have had.. There is no support for this in South East Asia..
I love him so much, and I know Dara loves me. But the protector hates
me. The protector is a female, she does some of the meanest pathologically cruel things to me I have ever experienced. A couple
months ago I was waiting all day for him to come home.it was his last day in Bangkok.. I was missing him.. weaping a bit to myself.. I saw him do
the same.. but when he got up, .off he went.. again.... he never called...just disappeared. I was so hurt by, just this but then. at 2am he told me he has been
having sex with multiple people... all day.. and he already had his bag and is leaving for his home.. and "Do I miss him?" I just starred
at the words, then next this I see, told me "I am finished".. he broke up with me. I was hanged, drawn and quartered, and then packaged and tossed in the
bin via Chat in less then 60 seconds. We did not speak for 1 month ...
I know Dara is the main personality or do I? Maybe I'm hooked on one of the subornates? ISn't there a list somewhere showing
names and order of importance? I know he was horribly abused in his village as a
child. He comes from one of the poorest countries on the planet, worked in the sex industry and has somehow found
his way to me...An american guy who can support him and his family forever (and yes that is a very important factor in
these relationships).. But he always says he loves me.. And I can finally accept it. Well did love me. Now I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm so in love...Sorry so long.. I'm lonly and this is the first time I can see other people having the same struggle. thankusomuch
Valerie Rabb
says:
January, 10 2018 at 2:10 am
Would someone with DID benefit from going into a long-term psychiatric program

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sandy
says:
February, 23 2018 at 8:55 pm
Yes
Olivia
says:
January, 9 2018 at 12:57 pm
Hi Nicolle, have you had any reply or have you found any good support networks? I am going through the exact same as you at the moment and it hurts real bad. It's like this once movie person turns cold and treats me like a stranger and wants to leave me, is scared of hurting me but is doing exactly that pushing me . I want to be there for my partner, through thick and thin but it's like my help isn't wanted. I'm so confused :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Olivia
says:
January, 9 2018 at 12:58 pm
Once loving person * not movie

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lynn
says:
January, 18 2018 at 11:46 am
Hello Olivia, I would love to have an online support group. I am just coming out of a 2 year relationship with someone who we discovered together she had DID. I read somewhere whatever your relationship with someone with DID looked like in the past is what it would always look like. I didn't want to believe it but it is true. And I don't care how mindful one may be having the person you love so much and been so close to say cruel and painful things from out of nowhere after a while there is resentments. And she process information differently. There are a lot of people in there. And yes some want to leave you. Some tolerate you, some love you and some don't like you at all. That is DID. For me the issue is denial. I want her to be with me. I want to love and support her, I want a secure loving relationship with her. More than anything else. I do believe there are a few in there that want the same with me but it's not that easy there are others who are over me and have moved on. And it does hurt. About the time I would exhale and think we are going to be ok someone else would show up who didn't care if I was breathing. It is very confusing and painful. So many different personalities. And she doesn't get to pick who is out. I come read this blog when my feelings have been hurt with her. If this was someone else who treated me this way I wouldn't have stood for it. I have compassion for her being a survivor. I am amazed by her strength and courage. I have so much respect for her and I miss my girlfriend. I am emotionally beat up. Negotiating relationships is tough but doing it with someone who has DID. Well that all depends on who you are talking to.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sandy
says:
February, 23 2018 at 8:57 pm
When they push you away... They need you more... Love them harder.
Nicolle
says:
January, 6 2018 at 8:28 am
After reading this I am positive that my boyfriend suffers from this and not alone cuz I suffer with him. sometimes we can talk about it openly and he will describe each one of them to me. But is there any way that they will ever go away or just become one? I love this man endlessly and refuse to give up on him even when he gives up on himself but the emotional abuse I have to endure at times is unbearable. He's even called me whore excuse my language for being intimate with one and then kissing him after although it was just him. He's a beautiful gorgeous good man it's just the one personality that treats me so horribly at times like Im some kind of evil woman trying to put him in prison and puts spells on him and hacks his phone and is just down right evil which I have done none of those things. Im a good woman to him. Even chased after him hundreds of miles away to just be left stranded lost and broken in a city I don't know. Im at a loss right now my heart is broken and Im sad for us because I know deep down he loves and needs me just as I do him but I can't keep putting myself through the pain. Idk how to help him at times cuz he can say some really awful things and I'll lose my temper and become physical with him and i know that's not right either and then the next minute he's the most loving guy ever. Please help me I don't want to leave him even though he tells me to
Erika
says:
November, 30 2017 at 1:19 pm
My husband and I both suffer D.I.D. and complex PTSD. I have, in recent years, assimilated my alter, although the long lasting consequences of this has left me with chronic illness and unable to work. I worked hard at my therapy and c.b.t. and became involved with E.F.T., tapping and homeopathics. My husband, however, suffers dearly to this day with severe depression and at least 2 alters. He felt manipulated by therapists to actually stay in the abusive situation as a child and so does not trust their advice now. He sees my progress and can not relate to any hope of getting better. His hopelessness is triggering more and more switches and more intense emotional episodes from us both. I don't know any one else that has dealt with what we have and even though I am fairly educated, I feel lost. Its like he doesnt want help. His alters either hate me or just want me gone. There are times I wonder if its even worth it. He was never understanding of my painful altered states and would verbally abuse me because it caused him to feel stress &amp; alter. We are like fire &amp; gasoline when altered but when ourselves, man....ive never felt a love like this. I don't consider myself a fool to stay in a (half) broken relationship, but I also refuse to abandon a beautiful human being that no one has ever treated kindly.
J
says:
November, 28 2017 at 10:59 am
Glad to have found this . I don't know that my boyfriend has extreme DID but he does dissociate. It seems like sometimes he's a completely different person. One who sees me as just a friend. Others, he's loving and everything. I won't ever leave though.
A
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:05 am
My boyfriend has DID and I found that the best way to cope and handle things is to realize that him and his alters are all part of the same system. They are all different but part of each other. I love my boyfriend but have also found ways to get along with some of the alters. Although a lot of the other alters actually don’t like me and even despise me, it is understandable. As some of the ones here have said, the more aggressive alters tend to see me as the enemy and whatever I say is bad. But I calmly try to explain to them that that is not what I said or try to explain my side even if at times they refuse to listen.
Remember that a lot of the alters have trust issues, and it is helpful to think of it as, they see us as a threat because they think we have a hidden dangerous agenda against them. As long as you keep showing them that you are there to care and won’t leave them (much like the previous people in their lives have) then at some point, they may lessen their anger or hatred of you. It can be hard but I’ve managed to be able to speak properly with some of the alters that normally hate a lot of do not like anyone at all. It will take a long time AND a lot of effort. If you really love the person though, you will keep trying. It’s all for THEM. It shouldn’t be just for one alter or two. It should be for all. That’s very important from my experience.
craiginshadow
says:
November, 5 2017 at 8:33 pm
I recently entered a relationship with a girl and within months she told me of her DID. Ihl have encountered Brittany (host), Kitty (her teenage indifference/tomboy), Alexia (small and meek), Stacy (pure darkness and joy at her own pain).....there are more. My biggest fear is Britrany will disappear and I am left alone. She has managed to connect a few of these alters and they work together, except or Stacy. This feels all too much for me but...I want to do it for Brittany. I love her. I need support in this. Thank you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
says:
November, 13 2017 at 4:19 am
Good luck with the relationship. Try to get along with all the alters if possible. Try to keep Stacy away from self harm by distracting her or offering to do other things with her if she lets you. :)
Hannah
says:
November, 2 2017 at 9:39 am
My ex husband has DID. It took me 10 years to realize that beneath his quirks there was some serious darkness. I'm relieved to say that 6 years after his breakdown - remembering his buried trauma - I have managed to establish firm boundaries to keep him from overly disrupting my life and from wreaking havoc in our children's lives. As far as I know, he continues to work on healing his own life and I have moved on with mine.
Everyone will have their own path to follow but my experience has taught me that you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone with DID. A way to honour the love you have for them is to wish them well on their own healing journey, then to maintain firm boundaries to keep them from causing continual harm to your life.
Ariana
says:
October, 18 2017 at 3:39 am
Thanks you so much for this because my fiance acts the same way. I've known about her DID since the beginning but didn't know how much it would effect our relationship. It's been a countless cycle of Jane (the only one capable of love) loving me endlessly , then nick (the host) acting cold and indifferent and Samuel ( the hatred/motivation/protection) desperately trying to hurt me and push me away because he sees me as a weakness. I love both Jane, nick and Samuel but only Jane is capable of loving me the way I love them.But it's been so hard staying because of how much I'm pushed away. But I realized I love her way too much to let her go.
Echo
says:
October, 8 2017 at 7:09 am
I'm so glad to have found this website. I found out that my husband is DID approximately one year after we were married. It first became evident something was wrong a few months before the wedding. I tried so hard to 'behave' and not trigger the alter before I realized that no matter what I did or said, I would always be the enemy. He literally hears words come from my mouth I haven't spoken and if I don't speak at all, that takes on a meaning I cannot imagine. I love him, and he's a good man. However, only one of his alters loves me and the others find me either mildly annoying or downright despicable. I am the scapegoat for every loathsome or hateful thought and he projects all his anger and hatred onto me. The loneliness and isolate are sometimes brutal to bear, but I committed to him and I just try to be kinder to myself during the long periods. The worst part is not knowing who he really is...who is the host, and not knowing if the man I love so deeply, my 'snow' will come back.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

sinfrea
says:
October, 18 2017 at 11:41 pm
Just wanted to say that PRECISELY describes my experience with my now ex. I wish you strength. But be prepared that one day, the one that loves you might 'go' and never come back. I'm still struggle within an extended grieving process because it's like he 'died'... but... he's still physically alive. However, the one who for a long time seemed to be his 'main', or 'ANP', the one I had a relationship and shared memories with, disappeared. The current ANP only has some basic working memory of our time and cannot recall details, emotions, and many significant events. It's so very sad. He still scapegoats me and as you put it.."hears words come from my mouth I haven't spoken" to cope with stresses in his life, or actions/decisions/fears he cannot admit to himself, and then use those as a rational for hostility. I cannot escape dealing with that as we share custody of 2 small children. I know exactly what you experience - you're not alone. Hugs.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:15 am
It’s good to note that the ones who use you as a scapegoat are probably the aggressive or protectors who doesn’t want anyone to come close. It may be a long shot but try to help those alters into taking out that anger on something else or maybe even someone else (but not physically of course, just try to get them to talk about who they actually really hate). I found it helpful when talking to the aggressive alters that being on their side when they’re angry and kind of encouraging their anger and saying it makes sense helps. Don’t be shy when you’re facing the angry ones, but don’t fight them either.
As for who he really is.. well that’s the thing. They’re all part of each other. If you only love or can get along with only one alter, then it will become very difficult. They’re a system, and even if they heal from the DID, they will become one and that one won’t be your “snow” for sure.
Joe
says:
September, 28 2017 at 3:14 pm
is there anyway to bring the host forward at all ... my fiance is the love of my life but her alter sees me as a slight threat , shes already done stuff to make me leave but i keep forgiveing her cause i understand her problem .. i love my fiance and will see this to my last breath and she sees how much i love her , but sometimes her alter comes through at bad times .. now i seem to be able to pull her back to the front but i dont know how many times ill be able to b4 her alter finds a way to stop me ... does anyone have a idea

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:22 am
The alters are defense mechanisms, specific alters come out at specific times. So it may be that the alter comes out at bad times because it’s a bad time for your fiancé and she cannot deal with it. It’s good to try and talk and get along with the alter. Show her that you mean no harm and try to know what can calm down the alter or her likes (ask your fiancé) and try your best to show the alter that you truly love your fiancé and are there to protect her, much like the alter is, and are also there to protect the alter as well.
It’s not a good idea to try and push back an alter and especially a horrible idea to tell an alter to go away and bring back your fiancé. Aside from it’ll anger the alter, it’s extremely rude.
But if let’s say the alter that’s currently out may do something very dangerous to their body or to you, there may be some specific triggers to bring out your fiancé. Find out those things. Use them as last resort though and talk instead with the alter and try to iron out any misunderstandings.
Mike
says:
September, 7 2017 at 8:55 pm
My wife of 20 years kept here DID from me. I knew something was wrong but was never able to pinpoint it. She finally came crashing down and my life has been hell ever since. When I read about tips for people living with DID spouse, I checked all the boxes. It was very hard to accept there were alters but I met them and I dislike them all. I can get over some of the harsh realities I discovered but my biggest issue is feeling like a moron. I look back and say, red flag there and red flag there... I'll admit I was a bit enamoured but I should have seen the warning signs. I have no idea where to go from here.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

GP
says:
September, 9 2017 at 9:26 am
Your wife may not even have known she was DID. My spouse (now deceased) lived with DID for over 10 years. I strongly suggest you seek help or therapy for yourself.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Trish
says:
October, 27 2017 at 6:23 pm
How did you get past it or even cope? I feel like a guest in my own relationship. I could really use any advice, I'm at breaking point. I can be logical about my partner's passive agressive behaviour, lying and reasons for it, but at the end of the day its an humiliating &amp; lonely state of mind...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

M
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:26 am
What do you mean a guest in your own relationship?
And I suggest trying to not think of the humiliation and focus on the problem because your pride shouldn’t come before your partner.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:30 am
It’ll be a problem if you immediately dislike all the alters. Try to get to know them better and get along with Them despite it being hard. Remember that they are all a part of each other and that the aggressive alters are trying to push you away. You have to show you won’t budge and you are here for THEM not just your wife. It will be hard but sometimes even the most hateful of alters can actually be nice, just have trust issues.

If you truly love her, keep trying to get to know them all. And if you really love her then your pride or feeling like a moron really shouldn’t be your biggest problem. Your biggest problem should be getting along with the alters and being at their side.
Nomusa
says:
September, 6 2017 at 2:29 pm
I'm grateful to have found this forum, it is eye opening.
Sarah
says:
August, 10 2017 at 9:17 pm
I've been married to a man for 9 years and together for 12. We have had at best a tough marriage and have struggled almost daily especially in the past 2 years. He's said things to me like "I wish and try to be nice but it's hard when I get home" but never happened, most everyday. I've loved him with all I am for all these years with all I have. Last Sunday we finally decided life was too short and he called it off wanting a divorce. Let me back up by saying I have PTSD and ever since a flashback 6 months ago I've started to blackout rage. So, after he called it something crazy happened and he got down on his knees and hugged me, which isn't like him at all, and told me how much he loved me so very much. I was at best very confused because of what he'd just said. I then witnessed a completely different person in front of me that now I know switched 3 times and a childlike alter stayed for 3 1/2 days with me. It was magical. I'd not felt so loved and adored in my entire life. At the time though I was very worried about what was actually going on maybe amnesia, a blood clot in his brain, I didn't know. I couldn't sleep so I googled everything I could think of. He didn't know what money was, a hospital, our home or dog only my name, not his, and Salt Lake City and Wyoming. Regardless I was in absolute bliss and an overwhelming feeling of love. On that Thursday morning he came back, mean as ever with all the characteristics of my husband and the love I'd not felt was instantly gone. He had no memory at all of what had happened and tried to play all of those days off with no explanation. Hours later after seeing me sobbing for hours he told me he had other personalities and has always had. Looking back I told him many times he had a split personality but he would walk away and blow me off. Now I know. I married and stayed with a man I only one so little about. I said "for better or worse" but I was also deceived and no one knows and has ever known but now me. I have done a lot of googling and watching videos to be prepared to talk about it and when I tried he gave me nothing. I've given him time as he asked but still nothing. Now the distance between us is incredible, sad and heartbreaking. I was deceived by him never being honest with me. I have no stigma surrounding any mental illness and he knows it. I've suffered with him with my struggles. I'm at a complete loss now that he has told me he would never tell me how many alerts, names or anything about it. He didn't even know it was called DID until I explained it to him. He'll never go to therapy or seek any counseling, therapy for it. I'm at the biggest crossroad in my life and have no idea how I can stay married to a man I don't know and haven't this entire time together. If anyone has any advice for me please share. I'm so lost and confused that my life has taken this huge turn. I have no idea what to do. He knows I was/am willing to do anything for him but I also refuse to stay married to a man I know now so little about when there's so much more to know but he won't share. Thanks for reading this rant,I had to get it out and felt safe here. I appreciate this forum.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alvie
says:
August, 21 2017 at 4:13 am
no real advice here, just want you to know I feel this so hard. I've been with my gf for 5years, she got a concussion recently that made her altars come out.... 10 alters. I never knew she had. Now I'm stuck here looking back on our relationship wondering who I'm in love with, it feels like everything was a lie. Mine is in therapy now though, and we're trying to make it through..... But this shot is hard.... And it changes your view of your partner drastically. And if you had no clue and started a whole life with them, and never knew this about them it feels like a huge betrayle. I'm sorry you're going through something similar, you're not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
says:
November, 11 2017 at 6:39 am
I think your husband has a very very big trauma on him and has great amounts of trust issues. But having the child alter come out shows that he does love you and care for you if the alter somehow even remembers your name but not his own since most times the alters know their name. My advice to you is to tell him that you know that the child alter shows that he does love you but that your husband himself is having a hard time trusting. Sit him down and give him an ultimatum. To either confide to you even a small bit about things or that you simply can no longer do this. If the child alter comes out, try to ask him about memories or feelings. He may innocently let some things out.

If you know the trauma that your husband went through, that may help you into talking to your husband into trusting you. Tell him that this is also your life and you deserve to know even a little, whatever he’s prepared to share.
SNS
says:
July, 31 2017 at 5:14 pm
I once fell in love with the most awesome girl I'd ever met, who luckily was also in love with me. Every day was joy up to where the heart could feel, and every single fucking thng was perfect. Perhaps too perfect...
One day, we discovered she has had DID almost since birth. Her alter was also in love with me, and easily won me over with her untopable charm. It was as if anything that one of them lacked, the other had in big quantity and viceversa. Everything was perfect again for a few days, then we had some trouble with the host's memory, and everything went back to being fine.
One day the alter decided she was to far down the slide of hell, and fiinally told us that she felt herself die slowly every day. We all cried, and we all wept, and eventually her fate was met. I was devastated, but not only that, with her the alter had taken every memory of herself from the host, and, for some reason or another of my relationship with either of them.
There I was, depressed, alone, and acting as my girlfriend's best friend under the alter's last wish. My eyes bleeded tears and my arms cried blood, yet the act never stopped. A slow hurtful month passed, and then, a miracle: I don't remember exactly what I said, but her eyes were brought back to life.
-Wait!- she exclamed -haven't you said that before already?
I slowly nodded, scared of what might'd happened next.
-Yes, yes, I remember, but at the same time I don't. As if I wasn't even there, just... watching it from far away...
Then, magic came to life, and so did the alter. We talked and she explained a few things that I hadn't quite understood:
1- She hadn't died, it was all a plan to replenish her strenght and prevent her actual death. But she still only had a year or so left.
2- The reason the host forgot our relationship was because it was never meant to be in the first place. She never actually loved me, the alter just manipulated her feelings to get close to me.
-Sh-she never loved me...
I repeated, atonished. Then, as fast as she came, the alter vanished. The host hugged me and cried 'I'm sorry' for an hour until we both had to go home.
The next time I saw the alter there was a friend involved. The host, him and me got together at a park. Then, she "summoned" the alter. I hugged her as if that'd be the last time, lucky I was to not know It actually was. The next morning I got a text from her explaining that the host's mental state was critical and that she would need to sacrifice herself in order to save her, but that we would meet before that. Three days after she was no more...
-EPILOGUE-
The host is now very well, except for social anxiety. I'm... let's just say as dead inside as one could be.

Did you like that tale? Well I didn't. It happened a month ago, and the host and I are both 13 years old (the alter is 12 years old).
Thank you for reading.
S.N.S.
Sarah
says:
June, 13 2017 at 12:48 pm
Me again, I've read more of the comments and I actually feel super hopeful! By best friend used to have a difficult time talking about their DID, but just by being there for them, and letting them know that you accept who they are, makes all the difference. By being there in the moments they unravel, asking questions about the things you may not understand, growing in relationship with each of them and not only your significant other, letting them know constantly how much you love them and that no matter what happens you WANT to be there and never making them feel bad for the things they cant control, it'll allow for them to be more open with you and learn to see themselves the way you do, to accept who they are and work with it rather than constantly battling it. I make it a point that my friend and I talk openly and can laugh about the other alters, and he can talk to me about how the system works and all the things he thinks is cool about what's going on inside his head when he notices. We have gone through some pretty traumatic things together with this, like when a violent alter would take control of the conscious floor, but because I made that effort to understand exactly whats happening, I can be strong for my friend and talk him through it no matter how bad he may feel. He knows I love him and all of the other alters equally, which has allowed him to see himself as a normal person, he doesn't feel like an outcast or a freak with a problem anymore. Its so important to learn about each alter, their quirks, and especially how to make them laugh or feel loved. You can tell who's on the conscious floor by little things: like posture, accents, who cleans, who leaves a mess, who likes certain foods and who doesnt. It's gotten to a point where me and my friend can be sitting on a couch together watching a show and their breathing will suddly change, and I can tell who's come in. But the most important thing is that they know they don't have to hide a part of themselves from you. I hope this helps
Sarah
says:
June, 13 2017 at 11:57 am
My best friend has DID. I've known her for a long time however I have never met the host, only most of the alters. Its gotten to a point where the host has chosen to relieve all control to the alters and not go back to the conscious floor again. The host is a girl, but pretty much all of her alters are male. My best friend is the alter who is on the concious floor for most of daily life, and all the alters I've interacted with have actually grown to trust me, or really like me. I'm in a bit of a weird spot though because another alter, not my best friend, has taken a romantic interest in me, and I him. I feel really lucky that there aren't any conflics between any of the alters and myself and they're all amazing, but I'm not sure what will happen by throwing a relationship in there, and I've noticed I have to be super observant and careful being intimate. I've always just been the best friend to all of them and I don't want to hurt anyone, or accidently trigger some kind of PTSD by being intimate

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