Relationship 'Slump Busters' - Mutual Agreement is Important

Written by Larry James

Mutual agreement is important. Mutually agree that you will do something exciting together when you can both agree that your new relationship has reached a higher plateau.

It is important to understand that a marriage partnership is never 50/50. Relationships seldom feel easy, however, a relationship is less of a struggle when two people agree to do whatever it takes to make it work. Whatever it takes doesn't mean "giving it your best shot and if it doesn't work, you move on." It means doing whatever it takes. Try 100/100. That works much better.

Partners Profit - Share the wealth of information you have learned about yourself with your partner. Agree to share relationship tips and techniques in a loving way.Agree is the key word. Be careful that in your sharing you don't consistently "point the finger" by suggesting tips that you know thatthey need. A better way might be to share the insights you have noticed that have deeply affected your thinking and your behavior.

Trash or Treasure? - Start a scrapbook. Stash your memories. Save special greeting cards, matchbook covers that remind you of great times past, snapshots, a pressed red rose, ticket stubs,

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a handwritten poem, a funny valentine. One of my own lifelong desires was to see Frank Sinatra in concert. After the concert my friend, Sandy and I had the two tickets and the program framed to preserve the unforgettable memory of our very special time together.

Breathing Space - Give each other room to grow. No one can grow in the shade. If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours. Partners need time alone. They need space. Give it willingly. Take time to be alone with your thoughts. This is another way to attend to your needs.

Manage Your Manners - Be kind to each other. Treat your partner with respect and dignity. Honor your beloved. Be the first to offer to help your partner in ways you may not have done before. Extend courtesy. So often we treat our friends better than we treat our partner. Don't fall into this trap. It's a dead end street. Remember, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" It works.

Count Your Change - Relationships never move in straight lines. They wander. And create opportunities you'd never expect. Evaluate your progress. Embrace change. Do not resist it. The smallest pebble in your shoe will irritate you until you do something about it. Be excited about the changes that occur in your relationship. Learn from them. If you think you do not have a choice in managing change, think again. The choices you have made in the past have caused the change that brought you to this moment in time.

Do your relationship differently. Your partner may take a while to notice and perhaps even longer to respond. Be patient. Notice small steps in the right direction. Praise improvement. It gives rise to inspiration and encourages them to continue.

Life (and your relationship) is not a snapshot! It's a moving picture. Notice what changes you are experiencing. Share them with your partner. Often a change in attitudetoward your partner will bring about an attitude of change from your partner. Some partners only change when they feel the heat. Others, when they see the light. The latter is preferable.

Plant the Right Seeds - Always remember. . . you reap what you sow. You don't plant tomatoes and expect corn to grow. Likewise, you don't sow seeds of bitterness, resentment, anger, etc., and expect your relationship to thrive. Seeds of doubt clutter up your relationship garden.

When you plant corn, if it does not grow well, don't blame the corn. Look for reasons it is not doing well. When you find the reasons, (and you may have to dig deep for them), take action and do what needs to be done.

The same goes for planting good thoughts. They will never grow unless nurtured and nourished with love, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. Although blaming has no redeeming value, if you must place blame, you will be wise to accept responsibility and know that the blame goes to the person looking back at you in the mirror.

Put Passion Back in Fashion - Passion is not only about sex. It's about having strong feelings about something. Ever hear of a crime of passion? Passion means many things to many people. It may be a burning desire to reconnect with your partner in conversation. Demonstrate passion by passionately working together on your relationship. It can blaze new trails.

No sex? Not much intimacy anymore? Been a long time since you actually made love? Too long? Hummm! Know this is true: "Relationship problems always show up in the bedroom." Many couples avoid sex when marital issues surface because they feel emotionally distant. Often couples who come to me for relationship coaching in the sexual area discover that it's not about sex at all.

A lack of sex is nearly always a symptom of something that needs fixing in the relationship. It's about fixing all the little nuances that bring on the upsets in your relationship. It is difficult to be turned on to make love when there are upsets with your partner you have yet to address. Anger, resentment, disappointment, bitterness and stress do not make good bed partners. Unless there is a medical problem, when you fix these problems, usually the sex will take care of itself.

Sex is good and pleasure is good for you. Have a desire for more info on sex? Read, Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.

Simmer Down - Manage your anger. If you have a complaint, only raise it when you are not feeling angry about it. As best you can, speak with loving words and keep it short and to the point. Don't lecture. Keep your examples current. Never use past hurts to illustrate current gripes. It only opens up old wounds and causes your partner to feel that they can never stop paying for past mistakes.

Avoid words like, "never" and "always" or things like, "You're just like your mother/father!" This only pushes your partner's panic buttons and escalates the disagreement.

When your partner expresses a complaint/grievance/criticism, rather than argue the point, listen nondefensively. Rather than counter attack, search for some small part with which you can agree, and acknowledge it. If an apology is called for, offer it. Listening nondefensively can put a damper on an argument expeditiously. Now. . . you can work on a solution together.