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Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

January 17, 2011 Holly Gray

Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.

I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).

3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID

I asked my partner what she'd say to help partners of those living with dissociative identity disorder. Check out her 3 tips for people affected by DID. As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:

  1. Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
  2. Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
  3. Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You

Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.

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Photo by Randy Pagatpatan

APA Reference
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, September 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2011/01/for-partners-living-with-dissociative-identity-disorder



Author: Holly Gray

Madison
says:
August, 18 2019 at 2:09 am
Hi, I'm apart of a system, I'm not diagnosed with DID but I most definitely have symptoms, I am 16, and am only really hearing bad stories. Should our system just not date?
Shawnesta
says:
May, 30 2019 at 10:02 pm
Hi, My name is Shawnesta and I've been with my husband for 20 yrs now. He recently came out about his DID to me, our boys and some of the family. I knew he had multiple personalities but I never realized it until he came to me with his alter, Pixi. Him and Pixi are both in love with me but they get jealous of each other if one spends too much time with me than the other one. She enjoys doing all the things women would do. In example, painting her nails, shaving her legs and putting on make up as well as women clothing. My husband works at night and comes home in the morning and Pixi comes about and does these things and he wakes up like this and gets upset about it. I've mentioned to him about getting some kind of help with all of this and he refuses to cause he don't want to be medicated. I'm confused at this cause I know he needs help but I don't want to force it.
Ashley
says:
June, 26 2019 at 12:24 am
Anyone want to talk who’s in a relationship with someone with did who gets cheated on and maybe abused mentally or physically I’d love to talk to someone who’s going threw what I am I feel so alone and almost and scared and tired
Jon wynn
says:
August, 4 2019 at 5:00 pm
Hi ashley,

I would like to talk with you!
I recently got put of a relationship with the one I love. It is so hard to want change but powerless to help. My SO had 12 parts amd only 4 wanted me in their lives....
Jessica
says:
August, 15 2019 at 9:59 am
I have been with my husband 15 yrs he has always been a lot to handle but I always assumed he was just a bad guy and I was a mug for staying with him. 2.5yrs a go he had a breakdown and since then he has been diagnosed with DID, I still don't fully understand alot about it but I am left with the nasty taste of all the lying and deceit over the yrs. He is seeing a counselor and had under gone psychotherapy, he is medicated(although I don't think correctly). How do you live with something you can't physically see but that effects you everyday. I used to think things would get better but I think I am kidding myself. We have 2 children which this impacts on but also which effect my decision for what to do for the best.
August, 15 2019 at 1:57 pm
Hi, Jessica. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and reach out. Thank you for being part of our community. As someone with DID, I understand firsthand that loving me comes with some difficulties and challenges. In the beginning, my husband didn't know how to handle me either, but just yesterday we celebrated 20 years together. I say this to let you know things can get better with time. It might be advisable if you continue to educate yourself on the disorder. HealthyPlace has great resources that can answer your questions. I might also seek counseling if I were you in order to learn how to cope with the feelings your husband's DID has brought up. Best wishes.
GerrieJune
says:
July, 13 2019 at 9:43 am
I can relate. I have been married 41 years and my husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am also a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. My husband is seeing a therapist, and I am seeing a therapist. I realize I cannot do this alone and need some support. I would like very much to share experiences and support one another.
Evan
says:
December, 24 2018 at 4:52 pm
I know it’s Christmas Eve and people have other things to do, but this just hit today. I’m just learning of this. I’ve met this girl about 3 months ago. To put it short we were met at a seasonal job working long hours. We really hit it off from the get go. We had exchanged numbers the first day or so. Then she had to take leave for r&r. We worked a couple more days together when she came back before I was transferred. We kept in touch and I made it back and we reconnected. After the summer work we hung out and have tried to have a relationship. We live a couple hours apart so time is precious. During that time she said she was too busy and not to bug her, then it would be later in the day she missed me and want to talk. She had told me that she had been a ex addict and has been clean for a 6 years. She was also in an abusive relationship which almost killed her.
I guess what I’m wanting to know is normal for people DID to just try and push people out then want them back? We haven’t been able to see each other in a month and she has been working a high stress job. All she has wanted to do is fight with me on the phone and make me feel like I can’t do anything right. I couldn’t get Christmas right and basically broke up with me today. When we(were) together everything was fine, though it took a while to break the wall down. when we apart she like would build up this wall. I’m just at a loss and trying to learn more. Thanks
James
says:
June, 25 2019 at 8:29 pm
It sounds more like she has BPD than DID. I myself have BPD, and after I found this out I've been able start recognizing and control myself better when I start exhibiting symptoms. I'm on here because I'm also currently dating someone with DID and looking for insight. I'm not a medical professional so I can't say for sure, but the behavioral patterns you describe are very close to mine.
Jocelyn Alise
says:
December, 15 2018 at 4:14 pm
Kevin is his name n we were together for 6yrs in which up until a few mos ago he was committed or so I thought to only me now he's with a 23yr old n he's almost 36!! We have a 5yr old daughter together who's very confused. She sees Daddy bein all nice n loveable to Mommy but then he goes back n denies our intimacy calls me delusional becomes Wells monster his ego is bigger than the altar himself so far there are three ik that his mother has mpd n from all the info n the deameanor I gather he has some form of mpd as well. This has caused him not only to separate US but all three of US includin our daughter I've been homeless now for two wks as he has stolen all my money so I couldn't leave him I'm all alone in this as he is a master manipulator n instead of takin accountability continuously blames me for " the monster he has become" idfk wtf to do anymore he hates me doesn't recollect or denies I myself am bi polar n it's taken me awhile to control n maintain me let alone all the nefarious unnecessary bs he's puttin me thru I've tried to tell him n he just continues to deny or he will tell me that I'm stupid delusional n or tells me to stfu I love him whole heartedly n hopes he sees that I'm not "full of shit" as he says n this isn't even All of it
CM
says:
April, 26 2019 at 11:10 pm
I too am involved with a woman with DID it took some time before I realized the destructive alter was in control during the worst parts of our relationship. The alter I call Brenda has her own look and style and is quite sneaky. I began to notice Brenda was the one I always fought with the one that always liked , Brenda calls me stupid and dumb constantly when she is doing wrong she is manipulate and pushes me away. I have little knowledge of this disorder and it has become the nightmare of my heart. Brenda breaks up with me cheats, goes on drug binges for weeks and ignores me during these periods of separation. It is hard loving someone who can be this awful person at times and I can clearly see who I an dealing with because the entire appearance of my girlfriend is different her demeaner is calm and kind she is quiet and respectful. I'm having the hardest time trying to protect her from Brenda she is her worst enemy and it's a battle that is tough to fight. I love her so much and I'm not planning on leaving her side but it is very exhausting mentally and emotionally I am drained. I have periods of time where I'm so angry and hurt I think about killing myself. This has led me to a deep rooted depression and I sometimes feel overwhelmed, unappreciated and used. I know she loves me and she knows some of the behavior is heartbreaking. I'm doing my best to get better understanding of this with hopes of her starting some kind of treatment/therapy and praying Brenda goes on vacation and never comes back
Ashley
says:
June, 26 2019 at 12:12 am
My fiancé cheats and lies watches porn won’t sleep with me gets angry about everything but it’s not him it’s zero and akasha that’s their names it hurts so much. He’s so sweet and caring and amazing or was but he’s barley there anymore it’s always the I miss him and they all don’t want to get help and I feel crazy myself we have a daughter and I want to leave but I love him how are you and her holding up ? It’s nice to see other people have gone threw what I’m going threw I felt so alone
Betty
says:
December, 8 2018 at 1:30 am
I think I have DID. I regress a lot. My husband has figured out how to safely bring me back. I know this is stressful for him.I wish I knew how to stop the regressions from happening. I was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder years ago and I fear it has come back but I have no proof.I am lost at what to do, any suggestions?
The17OfUs
says:
November, 5 2018 at 3:26 pm
I have been with my wife for just over nine years. Just after we got married alters started to really show themselves. This was about four years after dating. Over the years since, a lot of things that happened in the past make a lot more sense. Note, I have also know this person since high school.

To date I have met most of the "others" as we call them in conversation (as they do also). There are twelve of them. One I was told died. I assume from what I have learned this particular one merged. None the less. This makes for a full house. I brought three children with me into this marriage. None of them to date have been told of the others.

It makes for an always changing, sometimes chaotic, stressful environment for me. Also, as noted above, sometimes lonely. I admit it has made me mad, sad, laugh and cry. I sometimes think, I did not sign up for this! But, I did. I married her because I loved her, all of her.. sickness and health, 4 year old or 60 year old.

I am searching for avenues of support as I can't talk to anyone about this. A couple friends know, and we get that.. "oh really?!"..
Kai
says:
August, 27 2018 at 7:43 pm
Hello! My name is Kai, and my friend (who I'll call "C") has DID. I have had a long distance romantic relationship with one of his alters, who I'll call "A," for over a year, and we visited in person last summer. I had a wonderful time with them all, and it was one of the best times of my life.

Today, "A" told me that their therapist and the others voted that he needs to reintegrate, in order to strengthen "C," the main core of their system. I am devastated, but of course i understand. I love them all in their own ways, and want whatever is best for their system as a whole.

We said our farewells today. "A" said he won't be fronting again. I still am going to be friends with "C," and the others in his system of course... But... Do you have any insight as to how i should best deal with this loss? I feel like there's been a death, even though "C" is still alive. I don't want to burden "C" with my grief, he's struggling enough on his own right now, and, it's really complicated for me to explain to my own therapist, i don't feel like she'll understand it. I don't know anybody else who was close to "A," (he was a protector), so, there's nobody for me to grieve with about this... I feel like it's selfish of me to feel this way, and of course i want what's best for "C," and for their system as a whole... But it hurts so much, and i don't know where to turn. There's almost no information on navigating relationships with partners who have DID, or relationships with alters, let alone how to cope with losing someone to integration.

Thank you.
Amy
says:
July, 31 2018 at 3:27 am
Hi holly, im in a 5yr relationship i love my partner but finding it hard to accept thst one of my partners alters has fallen in love with someone i dislike. Im trying to understand be strong for both of us. My partner is struggling to accept they are a part of her and have to use her body. She understands they all have a right to a life and so do i. But im strugggling and the alter thats in love is the protector and because ive made mistake in the past by not understanding as fast as they want me to. The alter doesnt care about us anymore. Im trying everyday to work on myself but strugglijg to accept that any day the alter will walk out on me. I wanna be with my partner for the rest of my life but im scared im not gonna be good enough. Im finding it hard to seperate my parter from the main alter as the alter doesnt wanna speak to me. My question is how do i accept this relationshipthe alter has?also how do i accept alwys coming last? Her and her alters come first i accept that but im always left behind always last to know everything im always kept in the dark but yet the alters parter knows almost everything. I dont mean not to feel good enough but honestly cant help it. Please email me i need help just advice
A
says:
August, 2 2018 at 8:14 pm
Hi Amy, if the alter you had bad relations is is the protector, then I don’t think you made a mistake in terms of how fast you understood things. Rather it might be that you are perceived as a threat somehow to your partner (if the host or front). If the partner of the alter knows more than you, maybe it’s because that person has asked more about the situation than you have? And it’s more likely (from my experience) that an alter will give out information to people they trust than the host (because the host is the fragile one that they have to protect). But it’s also possible that the alter is trying to keep you away on purpose — again because you may be perceived as a threat. Although it’s sweet and nice that you put them before yourself, I believe that this will only end badly if you don’t take care of yourself.
Wendell
says:
May, 18 2019 at 5:32 pm
I agree with this completely. You have to put yourself first. I will not put names or even hints I hope but I just got done talking to my significant others main alter protector for about 4 hours. This was the second alter that has spoken to me for more than 3 hours in the last week. I just discovered, as did my girlfriend, that she has DID for sure and she is struggling to come to terms with it. It is very clear that in the 2 years we have been dating almost all of the conflict we have had came from an alter that I "saw" but didn't realize was another identity. They believed I would judge their host whom I love and will not leave because she struggles with something that isn't her fault. I told her that I would do my best to love and befriend all of her others as long as I believed they have her best interest in mind. It seems they all do so far and the proper medications have helped immensely to keep my girlfriends main personality at the front which is what she wants. I know she has to make peace with all of her alters so that she can be fully healthy and I just want to do what I can to assist that process and I pray thanks to God he has given me the patience to learn not to take personally what an alter may do or say hurtful.
tracee ekins
says:
June, 25 2018 at 6:54 pm
I've been trolling the internet relentlessly for the last couple of months, reaching out to any and everybody, both legally and mental health related. I just happened upon this page and the tears are literally streaming down my face. Just to hear there are people out there like me, it was like exhaling for the first time. I'm not same sex, but I live in Palm Springs :) LOL. (I always fall back on humor when i really just want to collapse.) I've been so immersed and alone in this bubble of mine. i feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me. There are so many questions I have, so many stories i could tell, most of which, at the time i didn't realize what was happening. It is now, now that its too late that I'm putting all the pieces together. Here is basically what I've been putting out there.... I need help!!! My boyfriend , I believe, no, I’m CERTAIN has DID. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)The more I research, the more I know without a doubt. He has not even fully come to grips with it. He is very good at hiding it. Most people just think he's a jerk, but I swear, he has like 17 alters. A good majority are childlike or adolescent. And for every thing that he absolutely hates and will not tolerate, there’s an alter that does that exact thing. It took me a while to put the pieces together. I’m no stranger to mental illness, but this is like nothing I’ve ever seen. The man i fell in love with is the sweetest, funniest, cuddliest and introspective guy. He is always working on himself, admitting his faults and trying to get better. And then, there’s that m@$&#%*%er that has not an ounce of soul behind his eyes. No feelings, no remorse ….. nothing. Just pure hatred. I am not naive nor am I ignorant. And my intuition has always been notable, and everything in me is saying DONT GIVE UP! He has never been treated for or diagnosed properly so he has never even had a chance. He is one of 9 kids raised by a single mother in a Hispanic family where mental illness is not talked about or considered. I know that he for sure has attachment disorder and abandonment issues compiled in there. He is a case study for sure. I have no doubt with the right psychiatrist/therapist who can tap into what caused the dissociation (I am certain it was severe abuse and his vehement denial of such makes me even more certain) he could be a highly functional flourishing individual. He is very smart, driven and kind. This is a person who would NEVER pass a person who needed help, ignore a homeless person, He even negotiates with bugs to get them out the door so he doesn't have to squish them. He is tortured inside. You can’t fake the fear, sadness and defeat you see in his eyes. He thinks he has a demon in him. He feels unworthy of love. The reason I’m asking for help is he is currently in jail awaiting trial for torture and battery…….. I’m the victim. I can tell you , the person who did those things to me was not him. He doesn’t look the same, he doesn’t talk the same and he has NOTHING behind those eyes. This may sound nuts, but I swear , he’s even taller and more muscular. When he is present, I feel nothing. Well, I do, but it’s all bad. I could kill him with my bare hands and dance on top of his dead carcas . Part of me is nothing but relieved to be rid of him. But when I see the light come back to his eyes and the shame and sadness in there, it breaks my heart. Its worse than anything he could do to me. As you know, torture is a life sentence. I can’t let them throw away an entire life without at least trying to save it. I've attended NAMI support groups and they did say not to mention the DID part. As that diagnosis is still not accepted as valid by some. Nobody will listen to me. They all label me as traumatized, making excuses, in denial, codependent.....etc. I have no doubt that I am a lot of those things, but I am also a very smart, educated and strong woman and I have the ability to sift through the BS, and differentiate FACTS from FEELINGS. I've got a long road ahead and i am well aware of the physical and severe emotional damage that i have endured. I know that i need help with that. There's no way I can deal with it alone. I also know that i have all the time in the world to utilize these resources. He, on the other hand, has none of that. So, for now, i am putting my issues aside and forging on! Every day that i wake up, i brush off all of the rejections and try something new. I tell myself "today is going to be the day". I am no quitter! I am a fighter! I know I'm going to do something important, and when I get to the other side of this, i know I'm going to be able to help somebody else who feels just as defeated as I do now. I’m not even saying that I can stay with him because I can’t ever risk being in that place Again. I could've died. But I do know the wounded,tortured and loving soul in there. HE DESERVES A CHANCE!!!! I’m not going to just give up on him and throw him to the wolves. All he's got is me. My words mean nothing to anybody. I need someone to stop what's going on. Put on the brakes and have him evaluated. NOT BY ANOTHER BIASED PERSON ON THE STATES PAYROLL.They claimed that's what they were going to do, but they are liars. His PD won't even return my calls and I guess she doesn't even have any contact with him either. No evaluation has been done and his next court date is the 28th. HE HAS NO IDEA of the magnitude of his situation. Any help would be most appreciated. There is also a criminal protective order keeping him from contacting me. I want to file a motion to have hat removed. I'm the only one out there fighting for his rights. I have nothing left, but my will and determination but Trust, it is fierce! I will do anything to make sure he doesn't get tossed aside with yesterday's trash. Thank you, Tracee Ekins Well, that's my situation in a nutshell. I am struggling with how to deal with HIM because I cant look into his eyes and know how to deliver what I need to say. I struggle with how to deal with THEM because i can't show any emotion at all, otherwise I'm just a victim. This happened April 4th. I have not stopped fighting for a single day since. Court is on Thursday, and I have NOTHING solid. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what it is I am even looking for? Now, of course, he thinks God is going to take care of everything. Until I have a plan in action, I am just letting that one ride with him. Now that I know the various alters, it is anywhere BUT safe to be tapping into any of them where he is now
Ashley
says:
June, 26 2019 at 12:15 am
I don’t know if you will ever see this but email me 25telegram&gmail.com I need someone to talk to who understands it maybe we can share experiences in so alone
Gerry
says:
March, 31 2018 at 7:59 pm
Hi just would like to add is if you notice your partner going into one of there mood swings and trust me you will notice it think of a nice place you and your partner recap with your partner over a tea or coffee make sure you are both in a comfy room such as the bedroom and 9 times out of 10 your partner will nod off and you will probably to when they wake they will not remember a thing the was really getting at them they will only remember the lovely chat over a drinks if they do ask you just say to them no we were only chatting we both had a sleep trust me this really works please fill free to email me if it has worked for you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
says:
August, 2 2018 at 8:06 pm
Hi Gerry, I’m not sure this applies well to DID as their switches aren’t mood swings.
Susan
says:
March, 7 2018 at 8:20 am
I have a husband of over 50 years both in our 70s. He was seriously sexually abused as a child by his mother. This has created a great need and he has manipulated his life to have a long term similarly affected person he supports on the side. He comes home to me every night. We now have group therap;y. I have been in AA for 18 years, Alanon for over 30. THis has kept me alive. He goes to AA with me now. Quite a number of men in AA have found a place to deal with their abuse and MPD. God is with us.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

GerrieJune
says:
July, 13 2019 at 9:38 am
I'm hoping that you will read this email; I noticed it has been over a year since it was posted. I would so like to share with you. I can't believe the similarities! It has to be God. I have been married 41 years, also in my 70s, husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. I have been looking for someone to share with/support, who can relate to my experience as a partner. I am praying you will see this post.
July, 17 2019 at 4:56 pm
Hi, GerriJune.

Thank you very much for your comment. While the original author is no longer available, I am happy to offer my support to you and share my experiences as a married individual with dissociative identity disorder. Supporting someone with DID can be very challenging. I am grateful to have my husband's support. Please feel open and free to share with me so that I may offer my support. Thank you and take care.
Susan zehrer
says:
February, 20 2018 at 8:10 pm
My husband was finally been diagnostic with did about 15 yrs ago I always was diapointed by his actions which was there along time ago when his father died ied he really came out cocaine quit hit his job and then started abusive bahavior raping me calling me lesbian then he had to where I was at all times jaws told toldes to leave him but I had no place to go. Things have gotten better but suffer depression and and anxiety I can tell when he changes now but don’t love him anymore but I try to deal but he is still makes scared because I never know what’s up I am trying to be spupported but is. really hard and there nothing I can do I hope others are stronger then me and deal with it
Jessica
says:
January, 5 2018 at 9:16 am
So wondering if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation. My fiancé had informed of his alters, but only recently have I seen or interacted with them. It all started because he met someone. He has 3 alters. Bobby (host, shy), Kitty (female, lesbian, polyamorous extrovert), and HD (aggressive, polyamorous). When we first started dating we discussed having a poly relationship. I said I wasn’t there yet but maybe eventually. Well, Kitty, met a bi girl she is interested in.

All three personalities say they love me, but Kitty and HD really want to pursue this other relationship and I am really struggling. I feel like a third wheel. Has anyone else had an issue with the alters falling in love with someone else? How do you cope?
Dustayalexi
says:
December, 24 2017 at 7:07 pm
I don't know what to do my gf (I'm also female) has broken up with me this time over me not being over her leaving me for the person she cheated with that abused her I was indirectly being argumentive n rubbing in her face what she did name calling,saying I forgave her but kept thinking when she was being quiet or not paying attention to me that she still wanted him or loved him I keep telling her if I knew he abused her j wouldn't have raised my voice let alone brought him up as I was a battered woman in the past myself I thought I wasn't being a scary mean person and I was and now that we found our about her disorder I'm thinking back to when she started the lying n cheating (she was also using meth saying she wasn't anymore she'd never done drugs before that time )when she changed the way she treated me n started doing n saying all theese evil things using my past against me I got distant n disconnected n wasn't paying all my attention to her anymore cuz I felt unloved n unwanted I told her my girl would never say n do this things or want someone else it escalated. Got worse resulting into a breakup n j stayed loyal n still pleaded for us to fix things cuz I really felt she wasn't herself it was the drugs she still was even more mean calling me up with the other person there saying how she didn't love me n didn't want new to leave her alone followed by her accusing me of using saying she wasn't n saying she wasn't in the other relationship with whom she cheated with when I knew she was so she was super mean n I was still professing I loved her n I wanted my girl back that he'd never live her like I did long story short as I can make it she finally got rid of him after he abused her n got her on even more types of drugs she almost oded n died so when she wanted me I came running promising I was over it hense the beginning of this comment. This time I was the aggressor I thought she still loved n wanted him when she'd go all ghost on me (not there) n we fought this time when I yelled I seen her clamor n shake and run n I never abused her before so I asked if he put his hands on her she never answered she cried n days later I find on her safari stuff about pregnancy n meth so I flipped cuz she said she never had sex with him she said she did just one time n her period was crazy n she didn't wanna hurt me telling me I told her the like hurt more she said she had to cuz he made her feel bad but again when u tried to talk about it she shut down and there's now I had to deal with court outta state n when I was ready to come home she said I couldn't cuz I hurt her bringing him up n j scared her when I argued I'd never scared her before so I was even more upset I mean I said n did things not thinking n one night drinking around the kids n I really didn't mean to cuz I love her kids like my own truly. Well now I've read about what I was doing that I thought I was innoscent of n now finally understand fully where I was wrong about he argumebtness around the kids n what I was bringing back to her that was painful I've bn basically begging for a second chance now that I know he abused n practically raped her n she has this disorder and I just wanna come home n show her I've changed my actions n k understand now what she went through as I would have before had I had known and the more n more I read about to the this disorder I can't help but think it had alot to do with what happen the first time we been up n I feel I would have tried harder n loved her more id a never stopped giving her attention cuz I fear that that may have bn a factor in pushing her into the arms of an abuser n it's also my fault I'm dunno what I can say is do anymore for she's telling me it'll never work I'll still argue n think she's cheating n I keep telling her I will not I just wanna right my wrong make it up to her n love her through this new disorder she's had since childhood we believe the drugs have awakened she also has issues with her parents being penocostal n in fear they'd disown her if they knew she was gay and still I don't feel and and wanna save her it's not about thatvor her disorder I lived her before I loved her through her leaving me for someone else n inlive her still the same now I just want my relationship n my family back I love her n those girls more than my own life and I don't care how many personalitys come fourth I'll love her still and just the same even the alters that could possibly have set us up for sabotage I know they're just protecting her because she always seemed to be in relationships where someone left her cheated and emothionally abused her making her feel unloveable unwanted n set up for failure Everytime and she's never had a real relationship where it seems like she was tryly lived at all let alone one worth a female when she feels she's bn gay her while life she's bn afraid to cuz of her family n what we had was almost perfect before the drugs n he boy who broke her heart in high School stepped in. I just need advice how can I get her to believe me when everything n everyone inside her is telling her not to to protect her this girl to me is my one true love my soulmate everything I ever wanted in a partner I just want her back I wanna love her and live with her through this she's scared a he disorder she doesn't wanna have it but she does and I just wanna marry this girl n give her the best love that I can the best a everything that I can I dont have alot a $ I can't buy her alot of things but I can love her n take care of her n those girls and be there for her I know I messed up too n she doesn't wanna forgive me but I'm sure one of them does and I'm sure I could show her I've forgiven her n the past is the past now that I've learned things about myself not just her. So plz any advice HELP ME BELP US

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dustayalexi
says:
December, 24 2017 at 7:19 pm
I'm dustayalexi just wanted to say I'd appreciate any advice about this dissociation disorder I love my gf and will do whatever it takes to get her through this and live with the disorder plz read my prior comment I know its long bir I explained best I could cuz I really believe when we parted this first time had we know about this recently diagnosed dissociation personality disorder that I could have helped her theough it n all of her alters which we don't know how many yet and I could have worked together and she wouldn't have gotten hurt by my actions and reactions I could have protected her too she's a beautiful person she at first smothered me to death she lives her kids she's loves her family she had the worst time finding n making real true friends and she deserves the best if everything.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lily
says:
December, 31 2017 at 6:49 pm
I think it’s really important for you to try and emotionally set yourself aside from this situation to get a better grasp. Love is the most powerful, healing force that this universe has to offer; however, you shouldn’t pour everything into someone that isn’t entirely willing to help themselves. By this I mean, her ways of coping with her disorder seem to be drug use and unconsciously (unknowingly) putting herself in traumatic or stressful situations (the ex& deep rooted connectedness to past trauma/recreating it as reality). In order for this to really work, you’d be best to have a conversation with her about coming clean off of the substance(s) she may be using to cope, to talk to her about seeing a counselor or professional that can help her identify her behaviors associated with DID and have a safe space to heal and learn better ways to cope. I can only imagine it’s incredibly difficult for both of you, but she’s very lucky to have a person so dedicated to understanding her such as yourself, I wish both of you all the best. But my grebes today advice to you would be; not to take any of this personally, we’ve all been at low points; it’s different for everyone but always difficult. With love and determination all is possible, just do your best to come from a place of love and concern rather than judgement or criticism when speaking on getting professional help. Lots of people see it as a shot toward who they are, but too many people suffer in silence. It’s incredibly brave to admit you don’t have all the answers, the therapists only lend a hand, you’re the one choosing to get back up no matter how many times you were taken down.
Lots of love to both of you!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lynn
says:
January, 3 2018 at 1:14 pm
I would suggest you educate yourself as much as possible on the DID. I am just coming out of a 2 year relationship with someone with DID. I have studied and researched. I am the one who figured out she might have Multiple Personalities. She went into therapy to find it to be true. I too felt like you and would do anything to keep her safe and let her know she is loved unconditionally. I love this woman. But there is not just one person in there. There are many and each one has a different relationship with me. The little ones loved me and didn't want me to go. But not all of them a good relationships. Some of the alters loved me and some resented me. And some liked to hang out with me. And others didn't care. It is painful and lonely. I would wait patiently for my girlfriend to show up. I missed her. Still do.

Where we finally got to was I couldn't do it anymore and she didn't want to hurt me. We talked openly about the effects of the DID and what it looked like but then there were other alters who didn't believe they had it. It is so complicated. I read so many books, blogs and websites. Very little support for loved ones of someone with DID but I see more popping up. I do know this: You have to be good with you and you have to care of yourself to live with someone who has DID. You have to have a sense of humor too. Some of it is comical. For me trying so hard to care for my love I neglected me. But it wasn't my love, it was my loves. They are different people in that one body. Sometimes with how much I have educated myself on DID I find it difficult to grasp. One of the books that helped me understand what it might look like inside her mind was by Cameron West titled "First Person Plural". It always helps me not make it about about me when I know she cannot control who pops in and out. She said to me once "We do so well until the DID drives a wedge between us." I replied "Yes, Love"
I have also surrendered to I Can Not Love Her Well!
Peace be with you.
Jess
says:
December, 1 2017 at 1:45 am
Fiance' acts 100% completely when he is stressed...He is the most caring and sometimes overly attentive to my needs BUT when he gets stressed out or we have an argument (that may or may note a part of something greater than I can probably handle. He says the most hateful things to me, one of which hurt me to the core because I was sent to a treatment center because my depression got so bad, he told me in a heated argument that resulted in catching him in lies, "Just go back to the hospital, I'll help you pack!" Someone who is genuinely loving toward me and will do anything to help another said that to me and I can't process it all. I noticed that he may have something there inside him when I told myself that "he just does not look and sound like himself". He has not been tested and I really don't know-how to bring it to his attention without triggering. He has been lying and making inappropriate comments to other females but when I do confront him this extremely ugly personality comes out, it's the only way I describe it, then " shut up, you fucking bitch, etc" comes out of this person who would die for me. I would say 8/10 times, he doesn't remember even saying those things. I'm so scared for us. I don't know what to do. Everyone here commenting knows their s/o has the disorder, what advice can you give someone that doesn't even know yet what she's dealing with.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tammy
says:
December, 2 2017 at 12:34 pm
When I discovered my husband had DID, he was experiencing flash backs and reliving his childhood trauma. Shortly after this, he had a tingling memory of having an affair. This sparked the first of several trips to the psych hospital. It was then that I started doing reseach about the disorder, and educating myself. two more years of therapy, and med rearrangement and another psych hospital visit. Then For 4 years he was in a drug induced state of Seroquel. No personalities/alters surfaced at this time. "he" wouldn't allow it. He said he would rather be dead than let that ever happen without his knowledge again. In 2016, he decide the Seroquel was killing him, so he ween off of it. And all the alters have reappeared. 7 total. Half of the days, they are a hoot. The other days, I am met with a barrage of accusations about ME having an affair. This is very distorted and delusional thinking. I love them all, even the "mean" one who stirs the proverbial pot. Anyway, the only advise I have is: take a lot of deep breaths, be ready to forgive, be honest, but kind. I have made a lot of mistakes and can only ask for forgivness. It's like a tube of toothpaste, once it comes out, you can't put it back. They hold grudges, but they also forgive. Hope I helped a bit.
Jessie04
says:
December, 1 2017 at 12:07 am
I just been diagnosed with conversation Identity Disorder after doctoring for two years. My girlfriend refusing to have any kind of sexual relationship and we been together for 5 years. I'm so hurt and frustrated. She won't even allow me to hug her. I don't know how we can. Get past this.
bluemoon
says:
November, 4 2017 at 4:19 pm
I'm having a hard time dealing with my S/O's alters. One in particular hates the very air I breath. I can't do anything I do or say is wrong. I've been fighting a lot with the alter and when I argue/fight back he hurts himself. He tells me I'm abusive and I'm a piece of shit. I don't talk to anyone about it, I thought I was handling it, not taking it personally but all I have been doing is crying. I realize that on an intellectual level that this is not the person I love saying these things, but my heart hurts. I feel like I can't dig myself out of this pit, nothing I do to try and fix things is working. The alter is coming out more and more and just literly trying to make me crazy. I'm trying my best but it's not good enough.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alanna
says:
February, 16 2018 at 12:25 pm
I am here with you ♥️
A.m. Carter
says:
September, 29 2017 at 6:52 am
My gf of 5 years is considering integration especially after a huge fight we had been and ended up being an alter trying to keep me from her. I want her to do this if she wants to NOT for me. I was wondering if there is more information out there that I can read on about integration pros cons everything. I know that it's a hard long process but I know she is desperately ill and needing advice and guidance and want to make sure I discuss everything with good knowledge of it.
Mom and wife
says:
September, 23 2017 at 8:17 am
I'm so confused, heartbroken, and hurt. My spouse of almost a decade was just diagnosed with DID and told me about it last week. We have had hard patches of course. But he has hidden so much from me and himself. Now that we know he is trying to not turn off and let the personalities out. We have two children. 7 and 4. He asked me to really consider and that I can leave if I want but he really needs me as a friend to help navigate how to learn to live like this. It explains so muc. How he can be all over the place every other day. I can't just leave. He finally told me how just how much he doesn't remember. Sometimes he doesn't remember the birth of our children... I am so heartbroken. For him and myself. I don't know what to do. Or where to start. He is in therapy but most of the time his businessy personality thinks couples therapy is a waste of time. I have had a very hard time finding myself a therapist. I have always put my husband and children first. I also suffer from moderate occasional depression and anxiety. He has always been so busy keeping himself in check. It makes total sense now how he just doesn't see me or what I'm going through. Does anyone have a happy life with a spouse with DID? So far I haven't been able to find any happy ending stories. How do I explain to my young children, oh yeah, daddy's a different personality today. So he probably won't want to play with you and will have zero patience if you don't acknowledge him when he speaks to you. Just wait for the other personality to come out and want to play on your bedroom floor with you. I just. What am I supposed to do?!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Phill
says:
September, 27 2017 at 2:30 pm
I have been married to my wife 27 years, she has been diagnosed as having fractured personality, MPD, and the newest one DID. She is no Sybil, all of her alters are fracturing of one personality who may not even be alive any more. I can give possible insight from experience it may help and it may not.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mom and wife
says:
October, 9 2017 at 11:40 am
Yeah! That would be great. I totally see the one fractured personality. And no, it's nothing like Sybil or United states of Tara. Part of him is religious/spiritual like me. Some parts think I'm full of shit. Some parts of him support my dreams and want to be involved somehow. Other parts again think "oh that's nice ?, you have fun with that." So it's looking like I have to just realize when to keep my mouth shut and just keep it to myself? Sometimes I'll have a partner, other times an aquantence who just kind of puts up with me like a room mate?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dad and Husand
says:
February, 13 2018 at 1:14 pm
When you think you are all alone and then read something like this. My wife was just diagnosed and it's been a blessing and also overwhelming. Just reading others having the same issues makes this world a little less lonely and terrifying.
Julia
says:
September, 11 2017 at 7:28 am
Can I get some advice?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Julia
says:
September, 11 2017 at 7:32 am
I was talking to a guy for almost a month when I couldn't meet him for dinner one night he got a little upset but said he understood. A few days after he wasn't replying to my messages as much. He finally told me he had another personality named Travis and that he had be flipping on and off. Just a few days ago he sent me a text saying leave us alone Tyler is a loser and he don't need to be happy. I am very hurt and want to talk to Tyler but Travis won't let me. What can I do?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Crystalie
says:
September, 11 2017 at 12:20 pm
It's understandable that you are hurt. It's difficult to communicate with a system when there are parts who do not agree with the relationship. There may also be parts involved who sabotage in order to protect everyone in the system. You can't force it. You may have to be patient until Travis backs away to talk with Tyler.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alex
says:
September, 11 2017 at 1:01 pm
I've encountered similar situations with my girlfriend who has 18 alters of varying ages. My advice would be to talk to Travis and ask if it's ok to talk with him (Travis) and try to find out more. Why does he think Tyler is a "loser". It feels like Travis doesn't trust you or doesn't want Tyler to be happy. We "Singletons" do that too with self destructive behavior. With my girlfriend's alters I took the time to get to know those that come out regularly and first PROVE to them that they can trust me. Without that, you'll never get anywhere. DID can be challenging to maneuver for us, but it's even more so for them. We have a choice. They don't. So if you're in it, be honest, be vulnerable, set boundaries and respect theirs. If you need to chat more, let me know. :-)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alex
says:
September, 11 2017 at 2:47 pm
I mentioned your situation to my girlfriend and she had a few thoughts. When you made a date and broke it, he may subconsciously reacted by switching to the fear of rejection even though he said it was no big deal. Just curious, did you follow up with a rescheduled date or give him attention immediately afterwards? She said DID alters are usually formed very early in life through some type of trauma. It's hard for them to trust. Even a simple change of plans without reassurance or a reschedule can lead to feelings of rejection or a new trauma. He may have reached a point of intimacy to where he now wants to test you. Will you run, will you agree with the "loser" assessment?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Eva
says:
September, 17 2017 at 6:17 am
Sorry to post here, but I couldn't find the new comment spot. But I need advice too.
I'm almost 39, have had mpd since I was 3. And I have always had the problem of making friends. While I have been married, had 2 wonderful children, been divorced, n currently in a relationship for almost 5 yrs to the most wonderful man alive, I just can't make a true "friend". I have learned years ago that I just can't trust anyone, or tell anyone my deepest, most darkest secret. That there are several of "Me". My boyfriend will tell you at least 6. I gave up 10 yrs ago trying to figure out how many there are. My dr said there were at least 4. I'm not close to my family back home. My kids I see rarely cause their father refuses to let them talk to me, even tho I raised them by myself for 14 yrs. I've lost many good jobs due to my disappearing act. People think I'm on drugs cause I'm never "the same" and I am always losing or gaining weight.
Anyhow, My boyfriend and I are going through some hard times right now, and the more stress there is, the worse things are at home. I recently confided to a "friend" from work who we have know for three yrs, about the others. I thought I could actually trust her. I've always been there for her in her times of need, wither it was guy issues, her friend issues, or even if she needed a few items from the store. Confiding in her was a BIG mistake.
I work, but it's not enough. We can't afford groceries and gas for my car right now. I don't get food stamps. She was going to the store and asked if we needed anything. Just milk n a bag of cereal was all I asked for. We had NOTHING. Our landlord even had to come in the house and look in our fridge and cabinets to see that we truly had no food in the house. They thought we were lying. I had been bring food home from work for my bf and animals. But a manager refused to let me do that any more. While letting the next coworker needing food for her family to go in and grab $50 worth. Like I said, everyone thinks I'm on drugs. Anyhow, we hadn't heard from my "friend" about the milk n cereal, and when I texted her, she did the same thing all the other so called "friends" do to me. Told me I was crazy and that she never said that she would help us out. That hurt. Cause I thought she was a true friend. And I remember her telling me at work that she would help. Not that she is obligated to help, but she said she wanted to. And now the mind games began. And I hate the mind games people play with me when they figure out I'm a little off in the head. And I always figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while, and I look like a fool, trusting her and being there for her or whoever, while they play their game with me. But I come back and figure it all out. And once again, learned I just can't trust anyone but my man. And I'm tired of it. But I let it go. I'm not out to get her or anything, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I woke up Thursday morning 5 hrs from home in some rest stop with no phone, scaring my boyfriend and missing work. My boss thankfully not firing me. But no longer finding me reliable.
While my boyfriend understands and loves me, I don't know how much longer he can deal with it, and I don't know how to talk to my boss so she understands. And my "friend", I'll continue to be nice to her, but there is absolutely no trust there any more. And just because I'm use to this happening, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurts. Cause it does.
So how can I talk to my boss and get at least her to understand my downfalls? Cause the older I get, the harder it is to keep it together. And we can't afford for me to not work.
Branna
says:
August, 12 2017 at 11:03 pm
Im so confused. What do y'all mean by "Alter?"

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