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The fear's on different floors, locked in boxes, scattered in the places, worn out spaces I don't go. And if that's true, if it's everywhere and nowhere and exactly right here, where I don't want to look - then it's probably a big thing. Bigger than me. Maybe bigger than I should mess with: But I want to understand. Don't you?
Let me just come right out and say it: psychiatric medications suck. They just do. Waking up every morning with your first thought to choking down brightly-colored circles, ovals and squares is a bad way to start the day. Similarly, having your last act at night be downing medication to induce what used to be the natural process of sleep is equally unfortunate. But psychiatric medications are a reality for people with a mental illness. They are important. In fact, for many of us, without them we would have no chance at a life at all. So if we admit we hate them, but admit we have to take them, how does one manage to stay on psychiatric medications?
If you have Dissociative Identity Disorder you've probably been instructed at least once to create a map of your system. A system map, I've been told, is essentially a recording on paper of alters' names, ages, and roles - arranged according to where they are in relationship to each other. I've never successfully completed one. If that were the only definition of a system map, I likely never would.
I posted this on my personal blog on 11/09/06. Bob had been 5 only a few short weeks. We were deep in custody litigation and still 18 months away from a real diagnosis. As you can tell from these paragraphs, I was nearing the end of my rope.
What's it like, keeping the secrets of trauma and PTSD? I have so much to tell you, and I can't say a word. The trauma's tucked away, a dirty little secret that you keep. Maybe you try to tell a friend, therapist, lover. Maybe they get it, maybe they don't. But oh, how you want them to get it. You want their understanding words. And you want to scream, cry, run - from the fear and the pain and the sinking feeling of waking up each day and not being quite sure if it'll stay today, today. But you don't, you don't do much any of that. Most of the time you . . . survive. Trauma and PTSD make keeping secrets easier, but surviving increasingly difficult.
Why would a person purposefully starve, even to the point of death? "There is something very seductive about not eating very much, thinking that those around you are weak and have to eat," says Angela Lackey, our guest on the HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Show speaking about her experience with anorexia nervosa. "It makes you feel strong and special; you don't think about the fact that you can die from anorexia and that many people do die from anorexia."
Last night I met my brother’s new girlfriend for the first time. My parents, my husband and I were all excited that he found someone, (someone nice we all hoped). Well his new girlfriend didn’t disappoint and gave a pretty good first impression. I remember thinking that I didn’t envy being in her position – being the new kid on the block. It’s like high school all over again with the nervous butterflies and worries about whether people will like you, all while trying to show the best possible ‘you’ you can.
As any married (or divorced) person will attest, marriage is hard work. Adding a child to the mix multiplies the hard work exponentially. Add a child with a psychiatric illness - let the rollercoaster ride begin.
I had a VNS implanted about three years ago. The surgery involved two incisions, one under the left arm and one on the left lower front of my neck. My neurosurgeon promised a scar between 1-3 inches but it’s probably closer to four. Of course, I would much rather he get the surgery right and have a bigger scar than the other way around. Someone messes up your vagus nerve and you know about it, pretty much forever.
What can a misshapen carrot teach us about the standards we set for ourselves as people with borderline personality disorder?

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Comments

Sean Gunderson
Thanks for sharing this experience! While the decision to start or leave a job is big, such decisions also contain much power. It sounds like you chose to face that difficulty with courage and empower yourself by leaving a workplace that was not conducive to your mental health. I'm glad that you recognize the role mental health plays in our lives. I hope that you find a job that is both rewarding and meets your mental health needs. Please continue turning to HealthyPlace for trusted information on mental health.
Laura
I've been through something worse, a close friend who started to openly compare my mental health diagnosis and it's repercussions to other people they new. This was with me standing in the room. I realized then that they were ranking me against others in their head and had found me wanting. I've since stopped regarding them as a friend.
TJ
Hello, I resigned from a toxic workplace with boss who was demeaning and disparaging every single day. I was broken in my self confidence and ability. I feel so relieved that I finally left. I would benefit from never beginning to work there.
Carol Wilton
I feel that you are very blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband.. I also feel that you may never find someone like him again because relationships are not always about chemistry and sexual fulfilment but more to do with respect and understanding both which I feel that you and him share.He obviously loves you very much and from my own experience of bipolar disorder these qualities are not so easy to find,if not extremely difficult to replace.All I can say is before you decide to leave him and look for a sexually compatible partner I would feel like it would be best to go to see a therapist and explore your life there with the therapist.It’s always good to look at other people’s life and choices to determine who would be best for you. I wish you love, and hope for you in your life. I can’t remember if I said that I also have bipolar and having chemistry between you and any future wife that you would like to have is disruptive to one’s mental health because I had a relationship that had amazing chemistry between him and me but ultimately it became obsessive and at times I was crazy in love with him and other times I really didn’t like him at all because he wasn’t fulfilling my expectations of being in love with me because he found it too difficult to use my bipolar disorder.So I hope you don’t mind if I just say think about this decision that you might make with deep consideration. I truly hope that you can make the best decision for yourself..Sending you love and peace.xx