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Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), many aspects of my identity have felt unstable over the years, including my sexuality. I came out as bisexual in 2000 or 2001, but after about a year of dating women, I went on to date cis men almost exclusively. My sexual attraction to women never went away, but the way I feel about it has fluctuated. I had trouble accepting my bisexuality.
In the aftermath of one of my mental breakdowns, a wise friend once told me that "sometimes you have to think your way into acting differently, and sometimes you have to act your way into thinking differently." I guarantee he didn't come up with this catchy phrase himself, but I give him full credit for introducing me to the notion that when it comes to changing your feelings, your body is as valuable of a mechanism as your mind. If your mind is already sour, thinking yourself into a more positive experience probably isn't an option. You're better off acting your way into thinking differently—or better: biohacking your way into thinking differently.
A few months ago, I talked to my therapist about the sources of my low self-esteem and constant comparisons with other people. I thought it originally started from childhood bullying by other students. But my therapist mentioned that two of my former teachers' emotional abuse might have had long-term effects as well. To learn more about my experience with abuse and how it still affects me in adulthood, read on.
This week on "Snap Out of It!", I talk with, well, me. I share my own story of what it’s like to work with a mental illness. I talk about mental illness stigma in the workplace and finally leaving the workplace because of mental illness. I also talk about some basic statistics about why mental illness in the workplace matters, and I answer your questions.
The ongoing side effects of verbal abuse can be complex and last for years. One exceptionally painful emotion that still resonates with me, even decades after, is guilt. It can be hard to move past it, and it may also invite its close friend, shame, to the party. 
I prefer the version of me without an eating disorder—honestly, I do. Just a few short years ago, I never thought I would be able to utter those words from a sincere, authentic place. But so much about a human can change and transform in recovery. I used to fear that I would not recognize myself in a healed state, that I would lose my sense of personhood in the absence of those compulsions and behaviors I identified with so strongly. This fear still creeps in sometimes, but now I can spot the distortion beneath it. These days, when I look in the mirror, it's deeper than recognition. I see the real me, not the masked, hollow pretense I once believed was me. It feels exposed and vulnerable, but it also feels right.
The secret shame of self-harm is a heavy burden—one that, especially when borne alone, can slow us down and hinder the healing process. Self-harm recovery begins with learning to let the shame of self-harm go.
I sleep a lot. I always have. From a certain point of view, I'm lucky that I can sleep, but it's rarely enough. This was worse when I had young children to look after, plus a house, a spouse, and a full-time job that had me up nights resolving issues. Like so many working people worldwide, my remedy to combat sleepiness and fatigue was to guzzle coffee. But I'm retired now, a young retiree at 57. I had hoped to be full of energy without the burden of full-time work. I thought once I retired and got ample regulated sleep, that the feeling of sleepiness would go away. It hasn't.
I'm currently changing my routine of constant busyness to a routine that includes more rest and more time in stillness. I'm spending more time alone in silence to practice observing my thoughts. I've only just begun to practice, and I've noticed how often my thoughts tend to revolve around food and eating. It's almost like I can't stop thinking about food. I'm at a stage now where I'm ready to lean further into eating disorder recovery, and I can learn from observing the thoughts I observe that revolve around food.
Internalized stigma caused me to keep my schizophrenia diagnosis a secret for almost 20 years after my first psychotic episode. I didn't tell friends or share the information with my in-laws when I married. Looking back on that time, it was as if I never let anyone besides my husband get close to me. I didn't realize that I created a bubble of authenticity that only my husband and I inhabited. I put on a face and front for everyone else. Sometimes I wanted to tell people and was close to opening up but remained closed-lipped. 

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Comments

Darby
Same here. Two months and I’m torn between being worried about him and not wanting to impose to say I m here to support however he chooses.
Michelle
I'm shocked AND elated to hear of such a service being offered as an Assistant Shopper! .. I'm literally a dizzy & fragmented mess during and after grocery store trips. My head spins with the combination of way too much motion around me, far too many items invading my focus when attempting to locate things on my list. The bright lights, the store music and intercom announcements, trying to learn the deli ordering 'technology' had me standing there in tears one day (when finally some lovely customer very patiently helped me through the process). I have CPTSD and brain injury, significant hearing loss in left ear and my eyes don't work well together. I wear glasses for reading and have to put them on/take them off during the entire shopping experience. The migraines that come on and disorientation that ensues, even on a good day, can shred the week sending me to the ER or straight to bed when I get home. I drive with both hands on the wheel and try to maintain a fixed gaze on the road en-route home but obviously still have unloading and storage of groceries ahead of me. Recently, I asked for help from an employee in locating an item. After we'd spent about 10 minutes looking together I asked another passing employee for her assistance.. She said, "He can help you just as well as I can!" as though I had a personal problem with my first 'helper'. I then had to explain that he couldn't locate it either and that I'm certain the store carries heavy cream. Emotionally, trips to the grocery store can take days to recuperate from. I like my therapist and feel as though the frustrated pitch of my voice in our sessions has calmed over time. Most people aren't skilled in dealing with folks with disabilities nor do they know how to even recognize a struggling individual or want to intrude on the space of another, especially if they appear to Need some space. Overwhelming is a word that only touches on the actual experience of individuals with CPTSD and other disorders. I'm going to check with my regular store today to see if they offer Assistant Shoppers. Thank you, Rob, for speaking of your experience.
Jim H
I'm sure the numbers are higher.I live in upstate N.Y. in one of the cloudiest cities and every year I am affected.This year's weather has been really good so far and I still have it....
Gem
My daughter get allowances, sweets and still steals them. All the positive can be blown with her lies and stealing. We are completely at a loss until she is medicated.