Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 16

1. Self-Destructing Narcissists
2. The Fear of Being Loved
3. Narcissists Feel Deceitful
4. Healing through Hatred
   

1. Self-Destructing Narcissists

Lately, I am encountering severe opposition to my assertion that narcissists very rarely heal and that - while I AM a VERY insightful and self-aware narcissist - I am far from being "cured"...

The reactions range from mere disbelief to the occasional accusation of ... yet another narcissistic ploy ...

I have been aware of my predicament for five years now. Not only am I acquainted with most of the intricate quirks of narcissism - I even have the dubious distinction of coining a few of the phrases. If there is an "enlightened", self conscious, and insight-ridden narcissist - with all narcissistic grandiosity, it would be me.

So, controlling my impulses, both self-destructive and other-destructive, should be a piece of cake, shouldn't it?

It is not.

Upon my release from jail (1996), I left Israel never to return and proceeded to Macedonia.

When I arrived there, five years ago, it was a corrupt country, ruled by unreformed communists. I organized lectures, seminars, and media events in which I protested against the conduct of the government. I swept the youth and became a real nuisance to the regime. Following threats on my life and the arrest of one of my collaborators I fled Macedonia.

There was a happy ending, though: the ruling party was ousted in the October elections. The Prime Minister and the Minister of Trade (and, later, Finance) have invited me to serve as an economic consultant.

This offer (to become Economic Advisor) had the following merits, as far as I was concerned:

1. Status
2. Leverage (self enrichment, contacts around the world in media, financial, diplomatic and political circles)
3. I was offered a monthly fee.
4. My girlfriend is Macedonian, extremely homesick and our relationship is strained to the point of breaking by having to live outside her country. Repatriating would have secured the longevity of our relationship.
5. It is an intellectually very challenging work.

BUT

Instead of accepting this excellent, generous, panacea-like proposal - I rejected it, insulted almost all the members of the government (the PM included) as "corrupt incompetents", turned down the offer rudely, and in a manner humiliating to the offeror, selected a certain figure there and decided that he is my mortal enemy and, in general, succeeded to humiliate, alienate, and distance myself from formerly fervent and zealous admirers of mine. Though I renewed contact with them - their answers to my pleas were so cold and hurt that I felt compelled to resign my position.

On the face of it these can be construed as either anti-narcissistic behaviors or as extreme acts of self destruction.

But, actually, these are CLASSICAL narcissistic behavior patterns. They serve to demonstrate that I am VERY far from "healing". Actually, these acts so resemble previous cases in my biography that they represent a major REGRESSION to earlier, more primitive, less controlled, narcissistic behaviors.

Let us see why I did what I did to ruin my only viable chance:

1. Compulsive self destruction. Compulsion is a coping strategy. It is intended to diffuse or to prevent anxiety. It brings relief in its wake.
   Indeed, I was relieved to have devastated my own future. The Narcissist engages in self defeating behaviors as a way to avoid, or destroy commitments, patterns, relationships, and frameworks. These tend to smother him. I am so scared of any type of emotional involvement that I was able to discern in myself HUNDREDS of behaviors intended to prevent emotional involvement.
   I called them Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms (EIPMs). They are described and analyzed in depth here:
2. A sense of exaggerated entitlement and grandiose fantasies combine to produce unrealistic expectations. When these are, inevitably, frustrated - the narcissist resorts to temper tantrums and other aggressive and violent behaviors. I literally imagined myself being invited publicly, on TV, by none less than the PM. A red carpet and a host of TV cameras to welcome me were an integral part of my vision. I reacted to every hint of deviation from this ideal scenario. I refused to let reality intrude. When it did, I exploded.
3. To cater to the needs for a compulsive expurgation (catharsis) of the fear of commitment and the surreal sense of entitlement and grandiosity - the narcissist invents imaginary enemies and confabulated hurts (see FAQ 26 to 27 ).

---

---

---

These contraptions serve a dual purpose:

They legitimize self defeating and self destructive behaviors by replacing the perceived TARGET of these behaviors. For instance, I told myself and others that I refused to come back because I was afraid of my enemies there and especially of one particular person. That person probably scarcely heard of me and had no reason in the world to be my enemy. But once I singled him out, that was it. I unilaterally judged him to be a vile, corrupt, and dangerous foe and I behaved accordingly by "avoiding" his territory and by trying to undermine him.

The second function is to prospectively legitimize any and all acts and decisions intended to prevent emotional involvement. "Whenever I get (emotionally) involved, I create enemies and hurt myself. So, why should I get involved?" Cloaked in the mantle of "self preservation" and the pursuit of one's best interest, this kind of reasoning, based on totally fabricated figments of the narcissist's thwarted imagination - leads once more to self destruction.

2. The Fear of Being Loved

I know I am loved by many.

BUT

I don't feel loveable at all.

I attribute the FACT that people love me to their stupidity, naiveté, gullibility, ignorance, or pathology.

Had they known me, the REAL me - I assure myself - they would have never been able to love me.

As it is, it is only a question of time before they get to know me better and turn to hatred and repulsion.

So, I am on a constant state of alert, awaiting the inevitable rejection/abandonment and trying to maintain my image (false self) half-heartedly (this being a doomed effort).

3. Narcissists Feel Deceitful

Narcissists very often feel like criminals. Being, in essence, FAKES, they are deeply convinced of their culpability. They feel as though they are constantly engaged in a major scam, deceiving their nearest and dearest. This conviction stems from the primordial sin of their emotional auto-cide. Prone to neologisms, I invented this word recently to describe the murder of the True Self by its False distant relative. The guilt fostered by this act festers and yields a rich concoction of fear and self loathing.

Kafka described an inexplicable, arbitrary universe in which punishment is meted out for no apparent crime. The punishment is the trial itself: its indefiniteness, its vagueness, its ambiguity, the equivocation of all of its participants, its rigid structure which serves to cover a void, an emotional black hole, sucking the vitality and functionality of the defendant. This is a typical narcissistic reaction. Narcissists compartmentalize their life.

While upholding sadistically rigid and ideal moral standards in one area (e.g., money) - they are capable of behaving immorally in another area (sex, for instance) while, all the time, claiming the moral high ground.

4. Healing through Hatred

It is more difficult to hate someone because of what he IS - than because of what he DID.

A non-abuser may be deserving of a generalized sort of repulsion or reticence (call it hate, if you wish) - but the abuser DID things to you. He is deserving of a focused, directed, intensive hate.

A tremendous difference.

Philosophically, morally, ethically (and legally) one should not confuse impulses with responsibility.

That we have no control over our actions diminishes our responsibility.

But drives ARE controllable. So are impulses. The control can be primitive (fear) or high level (a moral conviction). Had you really felt that the abuser had no control over what he did, you would not have hated him. That you hate him is PROOF that he had control over his actions. Hate is the direct result of culpability. Do we hate tornadoes? Do we hate sandstorms or avalanches or timely and dignified death? We hate disease because we intuitively feel that there MUST be something we can do or could have done about it. We feel GUILTY. We hate collapsing bridges and train accidents - because they can be PREVENTED. Not perversely, we feel that they are AVOIDABLE.

We hate what could have been prevented by the exercise of judgment, including moral judgment, emotional judgment (love), or rational considerations.

---

---

---

We never hate what no amount of judgment and distinction between right and wrong could have prevented.

The abuser is GUILTY. He could have PREVENTED the abuse. He KNOWINGLY did what he did. He is CULPABLE. You hate him JUSTLY.

Here is a thought experiment:

If someone were to threaten to report the abuser to the police - would he have still committed his acts?

The answer is no, he wouldn't. This means that he could have controlled his actions, given the right incentives (or, rather, disincentives).

Hating yourself is a way of assuming the abuser's guilt. The abused child thinks: A parent can never be guilty. Parents are perfect, above reproach, above vile thoughts. It is prohibited to think badly about a parent. It must be I who is wrong and guilty and corrupt in hating my parents. I should be ashamed of myself.

It is a conflict. It is the confusion that you are experiencing. Especially since you have always been an extension of the parent and hating yourself is, therefore, no real solution.

Very often we feel that perhaps we collaborated with the abusing parent, seduced or tempted or angered or provoked him or her.

This is the crux of your problem. Your inability to distinguish the child that the abuser once was (deserving of pity and empathy) - from the monstrous adult that the abuser became, which is deserving of condemnation, contempt, hate, punishment, repulsion, and reticence. As long as you do not cease confusing these two - you will be immersed in conflict, confusion, and pain. You HAVE to sacrifice the image of your parent if you want to get better. You have to let go. You must hate in order to be able to love again. You must place guilt, blame, rage, contempt where they belong.

You cannot prevent PAST bad things from happening by feeling in the PRESENT.

Understanding, loving, compassion, empathy - must be directed at the deserving. Not to love an Hitler - is NOT EQUAL to fostering a world without feelings. One can HATE and detest Hitler passionately, vehemently, wholeheartedly - and still be loving, compassionate, full of emotions and beauty. Actually I think that hating Hitler is a PRECONDITION to experiencing true feelings. If you do not hate an Hitler something is very wrong with your emotional equipment. If you do not despise a monster - you are INCAPABLE of adult feelings, your emotional intelligence is infantile and immature. Hating an abuser - is a sign of emotional maturity, not of emotional retardation.

It is wrong to UNIVERSALIZE your feelings. Can't you SEGREGATE them? For instance: can't you love your spouse WHILE hating your abusive parent? Must you love EVERYONE, all the time? Are you so terrified of being rejected?

You love monsters. You try to understand abusers. You make excuses for the inexcusable. You mitigate your private holocaust. You legitimize abhorrent crimes. You lie to yourself. You are immorally not in touch with your real emotions. And, this way, you perpetuate your own abuse, your own torture, you collaborate with the terrorists that are and were your family.

I am an Israeli. When we encounter a terrorist with hostages, we kill him first, we ask questions later. NOTHING can justify, mitigate, explain, account for, ameliorate, or alleviate what your parent did to you. I judiciously refrain from using the phrase "what WAS DONE to you". Instead, I repeat the sentence: "what HE DID to you". It was pre-meditated.

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 17

Our objective is to promote awareness to Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and to provide information and as much free practical help as we can to sufferers, both adults and children, and their families in the UK and around the World via this website.

Adders.org is run by Sarah-Jayne Bass (formally Caroline Hensby) - Now known as Sarah-Jayne Caroline Bass - since September 2007 - Now known as Sarah-Jayne Caroline Bass - since September 2007 of Thanet ADDers, an ADD/ADHD non-profit support group based in Thanet, Kent, England. She has an adult son (Richard)with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and has also been diagnosed as having ADD herself, so has experience of both child and adult ADD/ADHD. Click here for more information on the local group, Thanet ADDers.

next: ADD Focus Homepage
~ back to adders.org homepage
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles

---

 

---

UK charitable organizations that provide grants and discounts to people with ADHD and other disabilities.

There is an enormous range of charitable organisations that you may be able to approach for a one-off grant. They vary greatly, both in terms of the amounts of money they have and their eligibility criteria. Some may only be open to people who live in a particular geographical region, others to those who have been employed in a particular profession. A useful reference book to consult if you are looking for this kind of financial help is 'A Guide to Grants for Individuals in Need', edited by David Casson and Paul Brown, Directory of Social Change, ISBN 0 907164 86 2. You may be able to find a copy of this in the reference section of your local library.

For a copy of the Booklet produced by MENCAP which includes things for holidays for children and adults and much more Click Here

The Cinema Exhibitors' Association Card

This card entitles the holder to one free ticket for a person accompanying them to the cinema. To apply, a person will need to meet one of the following criteria - Be in receipt of Disability Living Allowance (or Attendance Allowance) at any rate. Be a registered blind person.

Cards are valid for 3 years and a £5.50 processing fee applies. 90 % of UK cinemas are supporting, from large chains like Odeon, Vue, Showcase, UCI, UGC, Cineworld and independents also. Application forms may be collected from cinemas or printed off from the website http://www.ceacard.co.uk/

The Family Fund

The Family Fund helps families of disabled and seriously ill children under the age of 16. They can give grants and information related to the care of the child. The range of grants includes holidays, leisure, and laundry equipment, driving lessons and lots more. For further information please contact

The Family Fund, PO Box 50, York, Y01 9ZX
Telephone 0845 130 45 42
Email info@familyfund.org.uk
Web site http://www.familyfundtrust.org.uk/

Family Welfare Association

Provides grants for holidays to families with children with disabilities or in need. Applications, which are considered throughout the year and must be made through a Social Worker, Health Visitor or other referring agent. For further information please contact

The Family Welfare Association, 501 - 505 Kingsland Road, London E8 4AU
Telephone 020 7254 6251
Email: fwa.headoffice@fwa.org.uk
Web site http://www.fwa.org.uk/

Children Today Charitable Trust

Children today provide funding for specialist equipment and aids for children and young people with disabilities. If your child needs a specialist piece of equipment, you can apply for a grant towards the costs. They will only assist with the purchase of equipment for individuals - not Groups, Schools, Clubs or Societies Applications will only be accepted in the name of the person for whom the equipment is required, their parent or legal guardian. The grants are mean tested but we understand that disability brings additional expenses, and look at each application sympathetically. They support applications for equipment that is going to improve and enhance a child's quality of life or independence. Financial assistance does not extend towards the purchase or upkeep of motor vehicles, building extensions, non-specialist adaptations, travel expenses or holidays. They do not fund computers or computer software independently. All enquiries first pass through another charity called the Aidis Trust, who will assess each child. If he or she falls within their criteria, Aidis will contact Children Today for joint funding.

If you require an application form, please contact Aidis directly on 01202 695244.

First of all, you need to request a grant application

Telephone 01244 335622.
For further information please contact
Children Today Charitable Trust, The Moorings, Rowton Bridge, Christleton, Chester CH3 7AE
Telephone 01244 335622
Email olly@children-today.org.uk
Web site http://www.children-today.org.uk/

The Frank Buttle Trust

Grants to individual children, or to young people including students to age 21. Applicants must be facing exceptional misfortune and will not usually have a full measure of parental support. Special interest in adopted or estranged children. Area based: NATIONWIDE. Availability: Service by post and telephone from London office. Also based in Belfast, Glasgow and Cardiff. Monthly meet in London. Service available Monday-Friday 9.00am-5.00pm. Restrictions: Children & young people.

Contact: Ms Gerri McAndrew
Phone: 020 7828 7311 - Fax: 020 7828 4724
E-Mail: Gerrimca@buttletrust.org
Address: Audley House, 13 Palace Street, LONDON SW1E 5HX

---

---

---

The Variety Club of Great Britain

The Variety Club can offer help to families of disadvantaged or disabled children. They can offer financial help towards essential household items, specialist equipment and clothing. There is a criteria to qualify for help and is dependant on financial circumstances. For more information you can contact them direct with a request and they will contact you back and arrange for one of their specialists to get in touch to either arrange to come and see you or to speak to you on the phone to discuss if and how they may be able to help you.

Variety Club House, 93 Bayham Street, London NW1 0AG
Tel: 0207 428 8100 - Fax: 0207 428 8123
Or visit their website at: http://www.varietyclub.org.uk/

Charles White Memorial Disabled Children's Fund

Tel 0208 2702032

Funderfuinder

Tel 0113 2433008
Website http://www.funderfinder.org.uk/
Email info@funderfinder.org.uk

Open Doors

Tel 01702 437878
Email opendoorsinfo@aol.com

Princess Royal Trust

Tel 0207 4807788
Website http://www.carers.org/
Email info@carers.org

HARNESSES

Harnesses especially designed for children and adults with challenging behaviours and learning difficulties are available from Crelling Harnesses Ltd. Suitable for vehicle seats, wheelchairs, shower/bath hoists, commodes etc.

12 Crescent East, Cleveleys, Lancs FY5 3LT
Tel 01253 852298
Email jenny@crelling.com
Website http://www.crelling.com/

INSURANCE

MCI offers help on all types of insurance policies to people with special needs and learning disabilities.
Tel 0121 2332722

Holiday Insurance

Free Spirit Solutions

They provide travel insurance. People interested in getting a quote will need to call them on the telephone number below and medical screening will be performed over the telephone.

Mary Holt, Manager, Free Spirit Solutions, Stansted House, Rowlands Castle, Hampshire, PO9 6DX; tel: 02392 419080; fax: 02392 419049; website: http://www.pjhayman.com/

Travelbility

Travelbility provides cover for all persons with pre-existing medical conditions.
Victor Fakolujo, Departmental Manager, J&M Insurance Services (UK) Plc, Travelbility, 14-16 Guilford Street, London WC1N 1OW; tel: 020 7446 7626.

COMPUTER HELP

Centerprise International Ltd

Offers software to parents of children with special needs at same price as they offer them to schools
Tel:01256 378004
Website http://www.centerprise.co.uk/

Computerkids Library

A charity aiming to encourage children with special needs - ages 3 - 8 - to use a computer at home.
Tel:01923 282720

Not really able to help financially but the following company supplies specialist equipment at a modified cost

Keytools LTD produce IT equipment for students with special needs. For example, modified keypads, mice, trackballs, adapters, software to help students with dyslexia, talking word processors, etc.

Tel: 02380 584314
Website http://www.keytools.com/
Email info@keytools.com

---

---

---

HOLIDAY FUNDING HELP

Holiday Care is a fantastic site giving information about holidays for disabled people both families with children and older people - they have a link to a list of places which can offer specialist respite care with accommodations for a large number of disabilities including ADHD and Autistic Spectrum Disorders. They also have a details of many other holiday organisations and information for equipment and special needs. There is also a page for Holidays for families with a disabled child - Holidays arranged by voluntary and commercial organisations. Holiday accommodation with a key to which disability they have special facilities for at each venue.

Some of the information is for charitable organisations who can help toward holidays and also to commercial venues or hotels who cater for specific conditions click here

Very helpful in finding accommodation where a child with behavioural difficulties will be welcome.

Kids Out

Providing fun and Happiness for Disadvantaged children. The criteria for applying for a grant aid from Kids Out are providing fun and happiness for disadvantaged children up to the age of 18. This can be a holiday, to pay for carers, respite care, play equipment or fun days out etc.

For further information please contact

Kids Out, 14 Church Square Leighton Buzzard, Beds LU7 1AE
Telephone: 01525 385252
Email kidsout@kidsout.org.uk
Web site http://www.kidsout.org.uk/

THE BRITISH RED CROSS SOCIETY

All branches of the British Red Cross Society are interested in holidays for people with disabilities. They can assist holiday plans in several ways - by organising holidays themselves, by accompanying individuals or groups on holidays arranged by other people and by providing members for nursing and welfare duties on holidays. Further details can be obtained by contacting your local branch.

THE DISABLED HOLIDAY DIRECTORY

The Disabled Holiday Directory targets the disabled client looking for holidays. The website has a regular "opt-in" email newsletter. For those without access to a computer, all they have to do is pick up the phone and Sian will help them by talking to them and then printing off the most suitable properties for their own individual needs from the website.

Disabled Holiday Services Ltd, Premier House, Manchester Road, Mossley, LANCS, OL5 9AA
Tel: 01457 837578
Email: enquiries@disabledholidaydirectory.co.uk
Website: http://www.disabledholidaydirectory.co.uk/

HOLIDAY CARE

Provides information on holidays for people with special needs. They have a respite care database for the UK and provide information packs on holidays in the UK and abroad.

Holiday Care, 2nd Floor, Imperial Buildings, Victoria Road, Horley, Surrey, RH6 7PZ
Tel: 01293 774535; fax: 01293 784647; Minicom: 01293-776943

RADAR (Royal Association for Disability & Rehabilitation)

Compiles the regularly updated "Holidays in Britain and Ireland a guide for disabled people". Also produces fact sheets on leisure activities one on sport and outdoor activities and the other on arts and crafts.

RADAR, 12 City Forum, 250 City Road, London, EC1V 8AF
Tel: 020 7250 3222; fax: 020 7250 0212
Email: radar@radar.org.uk
Website: http://www.radar.org.uk/

DR GARRETT MEMORIAL TRUST

Provides holidays for children and adults from the City of Manchester who are in need of a holiday because of 'sickness, disability or poverty. Grants can also be made to fund holiday groups. Applications have to be made via a professional (e.g. social worker or health visitor) who knows the family well. There is a long waiting list.

Anne Hosker, Gaddum Centre, Gaddum House, 6 Great Jackson Street, Manchester, M15 4AX
Tel: 0161 834 0348

THE LORD MAYOR OF MANCHESTER CHARITY APPEAL TRUST

Provides holidays for Manchester families who have not had much opportunity for a holiday together. Applications have to be made via a professional (e.g. social worker or health visitor) who knows the family well. There is a long waiting list.

Anne Hosker, Gaddum Centre, Gaddum House, 6 Great Jackson Street, Manchester, M15 4AX
Tel: 0161 834 0348

---

---

---

FAMILY HOLIDAY ASSOCIATION

Provides grants for low-income families under pressure to enable them to have a one-week break together. Accepts applications from Social Workers and similar professionals only. Applications must reach the organisation by the end of October before the following summer. Funds are generally exhausted by December.

Family Holiday Association, 16 Mortimer Street, London, WIT 3JL
Tel: 020 7436 3304

HANDICAPPED AID TRUST

HAT exists to provide help towards the holiday costs of helpers for people with severe disabilities. Support is only available where such costs cannot be met by the helper - or from any other source - and where the person would be unable to go on holiday without a carer. Minimum age of applicants is 17 years old. Funds are limited and applications can only be received from individuals with disabilities or from groups who plan to take a holiday but cannot afford to pay their helpers expenses.

The Hon Secretary, HAT, 15 Church Road, Lytham, Lancashire, FY8 3QJ
Tel/fax: 01253 796441

NORFOLK AUTISTIC SOCIETY

The Norfolk Autistic Society offers an annual grant of £50 towards holiday expenses to their members. The Norfolk Autistic Society Trust Fund is also prepared to consider applications for a grant towards holiday expenses. This is available to anyone over the age of 16, with autism, in the county of Norfolk.

Maureen Leveton, Norfolk Autistic Society, Charing Cross Centre, 17 - 19 St. John Maddermarket, Norwich, NR2 1DN
Tel: 01603 631171

Children's Country Holiday Fund

Help for disadvantaged children not over the age of 14 years living in London in need towards the cost of a holiday

42-43 Lower Marsh, London SE1 7RG
Telephone 020 7928 6522.

Pearson's Holiday Fund

Supplies funds for disadvantaged children from 4 - 16 years of age for holidays in the UK only. Applications should be made through a social worker, doctor, health visitor or teacher

PO Box 3017, South Croydon CR2 9PN
Telephone. (020) 8657 3053.

The Disabled Children's Foundation

Provide money for a holiday, which would give a disabled youngster an opportunity to meet the challenge of being away from home.
The Disabled Children's Foundation, The appeals office, Po box 57, Otley, Leeds
Telephone 01274 616766

Organisations and Trusts that can financially help with a holiday or short break for children with special needs

Break

Break is a registered charity that provides help for children, adults and families with special needs - such as challenging behaviour or physical and learning disabilities. The help that Break can offer includes respite care, specialist childcare and UK holidays in Norfolk and the West Country. While our guests enjoy a seaside holiday those who regularly care for them can have a much-needed break. Break also provides a wide range of services - homes for children, family assessments and day care. For further information please contact

Break, Davison House,1 Montague Road, Sheringham, Norfolk NR26 8WN.
Telephone 01263 822161.
Email: Office@break-charity.org
Website: http://www.break-charity.org/

3H FUND (Help the Handicapped Holiday 3H Fund)

organises group holidays for physically disabled children and adults staffed by volunteer nurses and helpers. Each holiday gives disabled Each holiday gives disabled people a chance to build self-confidence and develop greater independence - at the same time devoted family carers have the opportunity to relax with the knowledge that their loved ones are being carefully looked after at all times. This respite can be vital in allowing a carer to rebuild his or her energy for the year ahead. Venues for 2003 include Majorca, Hemsby Norfolk, Norfolk Broads, Southdowns, and an activity holiday in the Lake District and the Isle of Wight. For further information please contact the

3H Fund, 147 A Camden Road, Tunbridge wells, Kent, TN1 2RA
Email info@3hfund.org.uk
Website http://www.3hfund.org.uk/

---

---

---

Katie Foxtons Holidays for Sick Children

A charity offering subsidised holidays for families with a sick child. At present these are at a mobile home at Butlins Skegness. Seashore Holiday Park, Great Yarmouth; Littlesea, Weymouth; and Devon's Cliffs Holiday Park, Exmouth. The sites have a wide range of activities and services including a doctor's surgery. The caravans have a ramp at the entrance but no other adaptations for disabled people. For further information please contact

Katie Foxtons Holidays for Sick Children, 10 Ferness Close, Hinckley Leicestershire LE10 0SF
Telephone 01455 440112.

Kids Out

Providing fun and Happiness for Disadvantaged children. The criteria for applying for a grant aid from Kids Out are providing fun and happiness for disadvantaged children up to the age of 18. This can be a holiday, to pay for carers, respite care, play equipment or fun days out etc. For further information please contact

Kids Out, 28 Market Square, Leighton Buzzard, Beds LU7 IHE
Telephone the Help line on 01525 385232
Email john.garner@kidsout.freeserve.co.uk
Web site http://www.kidsout.org.uk/

Royal British Legion

Funds holidays for severely disabled people, and also run convalescent homes for those who do not require nursing care. Applicants do not have to be members of the Royal British Legion, but should have served a minimum of seven days in the services or be a widow, widower or spouse of an ex-service person. Applications for assistance must be made to the service committee of the nearest Royal British Legion branch. For further ifn4omation please contact the

Royal British Legion, 48 Pall Mall, London SW1Y 5JY
Telephone 020 7973 7200
Web site http://www.britishlegion.org.uk/

Scout Holiday Homes Trust

Offers low cost self-catering holidays in six-berth chalets and caravans at a number of resorts. Any family with a disabled member welcome - not only those in scouting. Ramps and entrances giving wheelchair access make units suitable for most disabled visitors, and the Trust will be pleased to answer queries regarding individual needs. The season is generally from Easter to October. Brochure is available. For further information please contact

Scout Holiday Homes Trust, Baden-Powell House, Queen's Gate, London SW7 5JS
Telephone 020 7590 5152
Web site: www.scoutbase.org.uk/hq-info/holhomes/index.htm

Second Space

Second space is a new charity aimed at providing parents of severely disabled children, and children with a life limiting conditions and children with special needs, with a weeks break. These breaks will take place in wonderful second homes donated by the owners to the charity for one week in every year, the home will be offered for free. Our aims are two fold as in those cases where alternative care for your special; needs child is available for the period of the holiday, the idea is to offer the parents a Complete break form their caring role and where there are other children, to enjoy a complete break form their caring role and where there are other children, to enjoy some stress -free time with them. If however you are unable to arrange respite care for your second space will consider offering the whole family a holiday where possible. It is worth bearing in mind however that being second homes they are unfortunately not equipped with any special facilities that many families might need. We are encouraging people to contact us directly so that we might send them a form to fill in and return to us. For further information please contact

Email Amanda_sidwell@yahoo.co.uk
Telephone 0207 792 9043 on a Monday or Friday

Voluntary Service Aberdeen, Holiday Fund & Caravan Holidays

With four caravans, one of which is specially adapted for the disabled, much needed breaks are available from April to September for people who would otherwise never be able to afford a holiday. The Holiday Fund can also make grants to families on low incomes to help with the costs of a short break. For further information please contact

Voluntary Service Aberdeen, 38 Castle Street, Aberdeen, AB11 5YU
Telephone 01224 212021
Web site http://www.vsa.org.uk/

Disabled Living

Organises a programme of group holidays in Britain and abroad for physically disabled and able-bodied people of all ages. Voluntary helpers accompany groups.

Redbank House, 4 St Chad's Street, Cheetham,

National Holiday Fund for Sick and Disabled Children

Suite 1, Princess House, 1-2 Princess Parade, New Road, Dagenham RM10 9LS
Tel: 020 8595 9624
Web: http://www.nhfcharity.co.uk/

Provides holidays to Florida for chronically or terminally ill children, and temporarily or permanently physically disabled children, aged 8 - 18 years. Does not provide grants.

Winged Fellowship Trust

Angel House, 20-32 Pentonville Road, London N1 9XD
Tel: 020 7833 2594
Web: http://www.wft.org.uk/

Provides respite for carers and holidays for people with physical disabilities.

---

---

---

TRAVELLING BY RAIL

There is a Disabled Persons Railcard which is valid for 12 twelve months. It entitles the holder to discounts of up to a third on a range of tickets and if an adult is accompanying the railcard holder they too can travel at the same discounted fare. There is a list of who would qualify, which includes anyone receiving DLA higher rate for help with getting around or in the higher/middle rates for help with personal care. Anyone interested can ring National Rail Enquiries on the number below. There is also a booklet called Rail Travel for Disabled Passengers, which is available from stations. Anyone who needs help whilst travelling should contact the rail company they are travelling with. National Rail Enquiries can give contact details of these.

National Rail Enquiries, Tel: 0845 7484950

Play and leisure

All children, including disabled children, have the right to play, have fun and take part in recreational activities. This is important as play has a very important role in a child's development. Play can help develop speech, sensory skills, imagination, independence and social skills. Toys and play can be fun as well as educational and therapeutic. It is crucial that all children, whatever their abilities are given the opportunity to play and access leisure facilities. For further advice and information on suitable toys you can speak to a paediatric occupational therapist. Through activity and play the paediatric occupational therapist works with children to help them attain the highest possible quality of life. The paediatric occupational therapist can work in a variety of settings including the NHS, social services, educational or charitable organisations.

There may also be a local play scheme or parent support group in your area where toys and ideas can be exchanged. Contact the help line for local information.

There are a number of commercial outlets and specialist suppliers. Some of these are listed under 'Commercial Suppliers.' Because there are so many it is important for parents to get the right advice to ensure they get value for money. The following organisations can provide further specialist information:

National Association of Toy & Leisure Libraries, 68 Churchway, London NW1 1LT
Tel: 020 7387 9592
E-mail: admin@natll.ukf.net
Web: http://www.natll.org.uk/
For details of any local toy and leisure libraries in your area.

Kidsactive (HAPA), Pryor's Bank, Bishop's Park, London SW6 3LA
Tel: 020 7731 1435 Information Line Tel: 020 7736 4443
E-mail: ntis@kidsactive.org.uk
Website: http://www.kidsactive.org.uk/
Offers a National Information Service on all aspects of play.

Action for Leisure

PO Box 9, West Molesley KT8 1WT
Tel: 020 8783 0173
Web: http://www.actionforleisure.org.uk/
Provides information on play, leisure and recreation for children, young people and adults with disabilities throughout the nation.

Listening Books
12 Lant Street, London SE1 1QH
Tel: 020 7407 9417
Email: info@listening-books.org.uk
Web: http://www.listening-books.org.uk/
Provides an audio book library for anyone who has difficulty reading.

Play and Leisure

KIDSACTIVE (Formerly HAPA)

Kidsactive is the leading national voice for the policy and practice of inclusive play. This is undertaken by providing services on its 6 playgrounds in London, and by promoting inclusive play through publications, training and consultancy nationwide.

Central Office, Pryors Bank, Bishops Park, London, SW6 3LA
Tel: 020 7736 4443 - Fax: 020 7731 4426
Email: office@kidsactive.org.uk

---

---

---

THE RIDING FOR THE DISABLED ASSOCIATION

The aim of the RDA is to provide disabled people with the opportunity to ride and/or to carriage drive to benefit their health and well being. The RDA has many groups throughout the country some of which have special experience in teaching children with autism to ride. Each county or region has a representative who can give you details of Groups in your area. Although it does organise some holidays, these are for members only.

RDA, Avenue R, National Agricultural Centre, Kenilworth, Warwickshire, CV8 2LY
Tel: 024 7669 6510 - Fax: 024 7669 6532
Email: rdahq@riding-for-disabled.org.uk
Website: http://www.riding-for-disabled.org.uk/

MENCAP - (The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children & Adults)

Mencaps Gateway clubs help people with a learning disability take part in a range of leisure, social and creative activities that provide great opportunities for personal development. There are more than 600 clubs, projects and Gateway Award Groups in England. Mencap also has information on holidays for people with disabilities.
MENCAP - Tel: 0808 808 1111
Website: http://www.mencap.org.uk/

Wish Granters

Children's Wish Foundation

Grants wishes to children with life threatening illnesses.
Loom Lodge, 24 Loom Lane, Radlett, Herts, WD7 8AD
Telephone: 01923 855586

Dial a Dream

Fulfils the dreams and aspirations of children aged 3 to 18 who are suffering from life threatening and seriously debilitating illnesses; specialises in the unusual.

7 Addison Road, Wanstead, London E11 2RG
Telephone: 0181 530 5589

Dreams Come True

A nationwide charity whose aim is to lift the spirits of seriously and terminally ill children, by enabling them to fulfil their most treasured dreams, which can be as varied as a child's imagination. Helps children form the age ranges 2-21 inclusive.

York House, Knockhundred Row,Midhurs, West Sussex GU29 9DQ
Telephone: 01730 815000

Make a wish foundation UK

Offers children between the ages of 3to 18 who have a life threatening illness a special wish. For further information contact:

Make-A-Wish Foundation UK, 329-331 London Road, Camberley, GU15 3HQ
Telephone: 01276 24127
Website: http://www.make-a-wish.org.uk/

Starlight Foundation

Offers children between the ages of 4 to 18 who have a life threatening illness a special wish.
Starlight Foundation, 11-15 Emerald Street, London WC1N 3QL
Telephone: 020 7430 1642
Website: http://www.starlight.org.uk/

When You Wish Upon A Star

Realises the dreams and wishes of children suffering from life-threatening diseases or who require long spells in hospital.

Futurist House, Valley Rd, Basford, Nottingham NG5 1JE
Telephone: 0115 979 1720

Happy Days Children's Charity

Byron House, 43 Cardiff Road, Luton LU1 1PP
Tel. (01582) 755999
Web: http://www.happydayscharity.org/

Provides special holidays and days out for children aged 3-17 years who suffer from severe illnesses and disabilities, or who have extenuating circumstances.

---

 

---

next: Finding the Right School for Your Special Needs Child
~ back to adders.org homepage
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles

Do you like sex? I certainly do. I love how close sex can bring me to someone I care about, and I love how it can deepen my understanding and appreciation of that person. I love how much healthy pleasure it brings into my life. I love how sex can bring me to delightful altered states of consciousness, and I love the feelings of acceptance and contentment and trust it can create in me and my partner.

In fact, I love sex so much I've made a hobby of learning more about it. My site is going to share some of the insights I've gained as I've grown in my understanding of this fascinating and wonderful aspect of human experience.

I know there is a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding about sex. I'm 35 and I've been there. I remember my first sexual experience and how frightening that was. The boy I was in love with ripped off his pants in the front seat of his car and jumped me. Before both of us knew it, it was over. I'm talking less than one minute.

Then I went through a one-woman sexual revolution (age 22-26) of my own. It wasn't until I went through therapy as an adult, recovered my self-esteem and read some books on sex and intimacy, that I discovered what meaningful sex was all about. And yes, it does help to have a knowledgeable and talented lover...

... but there's more.

Don't you find it wonderful when a lover is really into what you two are doing together, and he or she seems actively, passionately, and completely absorbed in the pleasure you two are creating? Isn't it great when he or she is experiencing deep, overwhelming delight and directing that energy and appreciation back at you? It's a profound irony that one of the most effective things you can do to become a better lover is to learn to appreciate pleasure even more, but in my experience it's true. In my opinion, the three most important elements to becoming a better lover are learning to feel, choosing what pleases you, and empathy.

And that's what I emphasize in my site. Great sex isn't an orgasm. It's an experience!

Happy Lovemaking,
Krista

 

---

 

---

next: How to Have Good Sex Homepage

"A Transformational Healing Process has begun on the planet Earth. Due to a profound change that has taken place in the energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness, resources are now available to us to do healing that has never before been possible in recorded human history. Human beings now, for the first time, have the capacity to directly address the core issues of the human dilemma".

The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

"The conditions on the planet have changed! That is the Joyous news that I have to share with you. The dance is changing. Since before the dawn of recorded history, the dance of life for humans has been primarily one of survival, of endurance, of suffering.

We have now entered a very special time in human history. An Age of Healing and Joy has dawned in human consciousness on this planet. We now have tools, knowledge, and most importantly, clearer access to healing energy and Spiritual guidance than has ever before been available in recorded human history on this planet.

The dance is changing. A Transformational Healing Process has begun on planet Earth. We have begun the process of breaking out of the vicious, self-perpetuating cycles of destructive behavior that humans have been trapped in for thousands of years. The destructive dance is changing into a dance of healing."

*

"That is what this is all about! The second coming has begun! Not of "The Messiah," but of a whole bunch of messiahs. The messiah, the liberator, is within us! A liberating, Healing Transformational Movement has begun. "The Savior" does not exist outside of us "The Savior" exists within.

We are the sons and daughters of God. We, the old souls, who are involved in this Healing Movement, are the second coming of the message of Love.

---

continue story below

---

We have entered what certain Native American prophecies call the Dawning of the Fifth World of Peace. Through focusing on our own healing the planet will be healed.

We all have available to us within a direct channel to the Highest Vibrational Frequency Range within The Illusion. That highest range involves consciousness of the Glory of ONENESS. It is called Cosmic Consciousness. It is called Christ Consciousness.

This is the energy that Jesus was tuned into, and he stated very plainly, "These things that I do, you can do also." - by atoning, by tuning in.

We have access to the Christ Energy within. We have begun the Second Coming of the message of Love.

The dawning of the Age of Healing and Joy is the dawning of the Fifth World of Peace when humans will learn to walk in balance and harmony."

*

"Humans have always searched for our Spiritual connection. Every human who has ever lived on this planet has ached for, yearned for, Spiritual full-fill-ment. Every human who is not in denial feels the hole inside that comes from Spiritual dis-ease, from feeling disconnected from our Spiritual Source.

What is so wonderful, what is so Joyous and exciting, is that we now have clearer access to our Spiritual Higher Consciousness than ever before in recorded human history. And through that Higher Self to the Universal Creative God-Force.

Each and every one of us has an inner channel. We now have the capability to atone which means tune into to atone, to tune into the Higher Consciousness. To tune into the Higher vibrational emotional energies that are Joy, Light, Truth, Beauty, and Love.

We can tune into the Truth of: "at ONE ness" Atone = at ONE.
Atonement = at ONE ment, in a condition of ONENESS.

We now have access to the highest vibrational frequencies - we can tune into the Truth of ONENESS. By aligning with Truth we are tuning into the higher energy vibrations that reconnect us with the Truth of ONENESS.

This is the age of atonement, but it does not have anything to do with judgment and punishment. It has to do with tuning our inner channel into the right frequencies."

"So there is good news and bad news. The good news is that a New Age has dawned in human consciousness and that we now have tools, knowledge, and access to healing energy and Spiritual guidance that has never before been available. We are discovering the rules of the game that we have been playing for thousands of years by rules that don't work.

The bad news is that it's a stupid game or at least it feels like it some of the time. The more we understand that it is a game, that this is just boarding school, the easier it becomes to nurture ourselves by not shaming and judging ourselves. We are going to get to go home. We don't have to earn it - that's what Unconditional Love means." (Column "Spring & Nurturing" by Robert Burney)

"Doing that grieving is overwhelming terrifying and painful. It is also the gateway to Spiritual Awakening. It leads to empowerment, freedom, and inner peace. Releasing that grief energy allows us to start being able to be emotionally honest in the moment in an age-appropriate way. It is, in my understanding, the path that the Old Souls who are doing their healing in this Age of Healing and Joy need to travel to get clearer about their path and accomplish their mission in this lifetime."

(Column "Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within" by Robert Burney)

---

The following is an excerpt from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
Molecular Biology

"We have been doing this human business backwards. The reason we have been doing it backwards is that the energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness on planet Earth was reversed in its relationship to Truth for tens of thousands of years. It is not reversed anymore!

As I stated earlier, the knowledge that we need to understand the larger perspective has been unfolding in all areas of human endeavor. That includes the field of molecular biology. Biologists have discovered a phenomenon that is mind-boggling. They call it a morphogenetic field, or M-field. This is an energy field of consciousness. They have discovered energy fields of consciousness exist not only for animals but also for objects we think of as inanimate, such as crystals.

A biologist named Lyall Watson coined a term having to do with this phenomenon. That term is the "hundredth monkey effect" This is the story of how the term came about, as related in Beyond The Quantum by Michael Talbot.

Watson relates an unusual incident that allegedly occurred in the 1950s in a population of Japanese monkeys known as Macaca Fuscata on the island of Koshima just off the east coast of Kyushu. It seems that while studying the local population of these monkeys, researchers started feeding them sweet potatoes and would dump truckloads of them on the beach for the monkeys to retrieve. The problem was that although the monkeys had developed elaborate feeding habits for all of their indigenous foods, they had never seen sweet potatoes before. Their dilemma was not that they did not like the new treat, but that the sweet potatoes were covered with sand and grit - an unpleasant problem that the monkeys had never before confronted.

As Watson tells the story, the monkeys struggled with the problem for awhile, like picnickers assailed by ants, and then an eighteen-month-old female, a sort of monkey genius the researchers knew as Imo, solved the dilemma. Imo discovered that if the gritty sweet potatoes were dunked in the ocean, not only did it remove the sand, but it added an interesting new flavor. Imo next taught the trick to her mother, then her playmates, and slowly the new habit gained a small following in the Koshima colony.

---

continue story below

---

Then something remarkable transpired. As Watson relates, the details of what happened next have not yet been published because the primate researchers involved knew that what they would be disclosing was too heretical for general scientific consumption. It seems that one morning the number of monkeys that had learned Imo's washing technique reached a sort of critical mass, and then, suddenly, by that evening, every monkey in the colony was washing potatoes in the surf. Not only that, but researchers reported that troops of monkeys on other islands and even a troop on the mainland at Takasakiyama also suddenly and spontaneously began practicing Imo's washing technique. Although the researchers on Koshima had not observed at precisely what number of monkeys this critical mass was reached, for the sake of speaking about it Watson refers to the monkey individual that put the entire population over the threshold as the proverbial "hundredth monkey."

Biologists found that principles which were known to apply in physics also applied in biology in certain ways. An electromagnetic energy field can only accept a certain amount of energy of a reversed polarity that is, if the energy is positive it can only accept so much negative and vice-versa until it reaches a decisive point that is called critical mass. When a negative energy field reaches critical mass it reverses and the whole field goes positive.

What these biologists discovered is that an energy field of consciousness existed for these monkeys, and that when enough of the monkeys, the "hundredth monkey," had adopted a new survival technique, their energy field of consciousness reached a point of critical mass and altered to make that new technique, that new survival tool, available to all of the monkeys of that species.

Energy Fields

Energy fields of consciousness exist. Energy fields of intellectual and emotional consciousness for humans exist in relationship to every type of relationship, of interaction, that humans experience.

Each human being is an energy field, made up of interacting atomic and molecular energy fields. When people come together they form a group energy field. Groups have incredible power because they form a more powerful energy field than an individual does. It is sometimes easier to access the higher vibrational transcendent emotions in a group than as an individual.

That is why it feels good, why it feels like the energy is powerful and positive in most Twelve Step meetings, and in some churches and Spiritual gatherings, because it is. It is a higher vibrational energy field.

Whenever two or more are gathered in the name of Love and Truth, in the name of healing, there is incredible power.

Any single soul's evolution, its awakening, affects all souls because we are all connected. We can, like Imo the genius monkey, create a space, create a new level a new aspect of consciousness that other humans then have access to. It is not any accident that most great inventions, most great breakthroughs, were formulated in more than one location in the same time period. Once one breaks through and creates the space, others may follow.

A single soul's healing advances the healing of all souls imagine the power of two or more.

The effects of group healing and awakening ripple out through human consciousness to affect all Souls. It ripples out in geometric proportion.

---

Polarization

The energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness on this planet was reversed in relationship to the Truth of the God-Force because of the polarization of the energy field of Collective Human Intellectual Consciousness.

The Lower Mind.

Polarization, the tree of knowledge of good and evil, caused humans to see life, both externally and internally, as a battle of warring polar opposites: black and white thinking.

The polarization of the Lower Mind caused the connection to the Higher Mind to be weakened. It caused static and distortion to disrupt the channel between human self and Spiritual Self.

This polarization created the illusion of disconnection, of separation. It caused the Spiritual Beings who were in human body at the time to start focusing on the external reality of the illusion so much that they did not even notice that they were losing their connection to the God-Force. They eventually forgot that they were connected to the God-Force and began to believe that they were individual human beings who existed as entities separate from an external Source. They forgot that the power that they had access to came from the Spirit and not just from themselves. Eventually, (after The Flood) they would even come to believe that they had the power to cause separation that they were powerful enough to have done something so bad that God would abandon and punish them.

The Truth is that we are powerless to separate from the God-Force because separation is an illusion. Free will is an illusion on the highest level. No being has the power to separate from the ONENESS of God.

It is necessary and healthy to take responsibility for our choices, to accept our consequences, and to try to make healthy decisions on a human level. Integration and balance involves a process of learning to accept healthy responsibility on a human level at the same time that we know we are being guided by a Loving Spiritual Force.

The Force is with us!

---

continue story below

---

It does not mean we can sit back and do nothing. It also does not mean we have to do everything. Either way is out of balance. We have to plant the seeds, and nurture the garden. It is in the growth that the miracle occurs. Whether or not the seed becomes a rose is in the Great Spirit's hands. We are powerless to turn a seed into a rose without the Goddess.

We are powerless out of human ego-self over this life business. We have access to all of the power in the Universe out of our Spiritual Self out of our Spiritual connection to Higher Consciousness.

As a direct result of polarization, the energy field of Collective Human Emotion.

next: New Age Misinterpretations of Metaphysical Truth

Click Here

This is a copy of a Health Visitor-delivered training programmes for parents of pre-school children diagnosed with ADHD produced by the Mental Health Foundation.

 

---

 

---

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 14

1. Abusive Parents
2. Hatred and Anger
3. Narcissistic Regression versus NPD
4. Narcissists and Abandonment
5. Deleting Past Sources of Narcissistic Supply
6. Realizations
7. Narcissism and Nihilism
8. Narcissism and Genetics

1. Abusive Parents

When abusive parents abuse - they are children again, trying to cope with their own past abuse. It is through the abuse of their children that they are trying to resolve open conflicts, to "balance the accounts", to regain a sense of justice and predictability and internal peace. If abuse is a fact of life, a natural phenomenon, an inevitability, something parents are supposed to do to their children - then all is well, past abuse hurts less, and a serenity of mind is restored. This is an accountancy of pain in which each entry is a writhing, screaming, aching child.

But the abusive parent IS such a child himself or herself. This is what makes abuse impossible to cope with emotionally. Because to do so means to have the insight that we never had caring parents, that our parents were children, and that, therefore, we were never really loved as every child deserves to be and should be.

Is it better to give life in an instant and take it away over many years - or not to give life at all? I am not sure what the answer is.

If we hate and loathe ourselves - does this preclude hating and loathing our tormentors and abusers?

Aren't they the reason we hate ourselves in the first place?

Should the fact that we share genetic material with someone shield him or her from well deserved hate, scorn, contempt, and upbraiding?

Are abusers exempt from punishment only because they were abused before? Is this the world we inhabit: mechanical, unstoppable, deterministic? No free will, no love, no forethought, no consciousness, no conscience, no sentient beings capable of remoulding themselves through inspection and introspection?

Our abusers are accountable to us, the abused - because they could have behaved differently.

In this case "love thyself" does NOT, cannot go together with "love thy parent", for instance.

If you let your abuser go, you ARE.

While if you do not - you are NOT.

Your abusing parent NEGATES you. You are like matter and anti-matter, positive and negative, acid and base. He attacked your very BEING when you were defenseless, unable to resist his doubting of your existence. And his voice keeps casting doubts on your existence, from inside. The hatred that you feel is your BIOLOGICAL reaction to this voice. HE permeated your cells first - and they react allergically, forming antibodies of hatred that begat fear (of being left alone) that begat rage.

And as long as he possesses you and inhabits you and infests you - you do NOT exist really and fully. This is the choice you are facing:

Being - but alone, or Not Being - in the company of the poltergeists of your childhood.

This is the famed Stockholm Syndrome. Hostages side with their captors rather than with the police.

I heard the view before - that shame and grief are bound together, one probably a derivative of the other - and I disagree with it strongly. Grief has for too long been considered to be an auxiliary emotion, a derivative reaction, a "reactive" sensation. In my view, it is a SPECTRUM of emotions (shame included, for instance at one's helplessness). Trying to reduce it to a one-dimensional construct is wrong. It is interesting to note that Love and Grief - the two strongest emotions known to Mankind - have been reduced this way so often.

2. Hatred and Anger

Hatred is often massively suppressed anger, ossified into the weird stalactites and stalagmites of hatred.

Hatred does not flow - anger does. Hatred is a structure - anger, a stream.

Hatred is a being, it permeates every cell. It feels so natural that it is hardly ever noticed. It speaks through anger, though. Hatred is static - anger the dynamics, its energy, its changing aspects, its holographic angles.

---

---

---

Anger you feel, hatred you live.

What is wrong with hating those deserving of hate? I can see nothing wrong in an emotion PER SE. If it is proportional and directed at the appropriate target - it is correct and true and worthy. There can be no healing where emotions are suppressed, even (perhaps, especially) negative emotions. Emotions are created to be felt, even the extreme ones, fostered in extreme circumstances by extreme monsters masquerading as human beings.

If I were you, I would have befriended my hatred. I would have studied it and let it study me. I would open up to it and allow it to inhabit me.

Afforded the luxury of being unconditionally accepted, maybe your hatred would not feel the pressing need to assert itself. Its existence not threatened by false morality of "right" and "wrong" and "negative" and "positive" - perhaps your hatred will allow you to accept yourself. Strike an agreement with that which can never go away. And remember: it is not YOU who gave birth to this monster and bred and fed it and indulged it. It is your father. It is HIS hatred that merely resides in you. Isn't it only very ethical and righteous to return a deposit to its rightful owner? You are returning HIS hatred to HIM. It is the way of the world. This is how it has to be. And you should feel no guilt, or shame, or blame for succumbing to that which is greater than us all: to human nature.

3. Narcissistic Regression versus NPD

Narcissistic reactions (regression) are short term and not all-pervasive.

The regression is reactive, directly attributable to a specific event, and highly correlated with other grief and loss related reactions.

Moreover, in narcissistic regression, the narcissistic behaviors do not persist. They recede with time until they vanish completely. They do not overtake the whole personality, or permeate it.

They are confined to specific areas in the life of the affected person. They rarely involve lack of empathy and are more inclined to include grandiosity and magical thinking (omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence).

Narcissistic regression sometimes appears with substance abuse.

There is no conclusive evidence that alcoholism and narcissism are related.

You must also clearly distinguish alcoholism from social drinking or reactive drinking (for instance, due to a life crisis).

BUT

Impulsive behaviors (drinking, gambling, reckless driving, or compulsive shopping) ARE one of the criteria of the Borderline personality disorder (though not of NPD).

Most addicts have narcissistic TRAITS. NPD is an addiction to Narcissistic Supply. The 12 step programs address this attribute of addicts DIRECTLY by attacking their narcissism. They are obliged to relegate the control over their lives to a higher power (not necessarily God).

4. Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and Borderlines are.

BUT

Their solution is different. Codependents cling. Borderline are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned.

Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned. This way they secure the achievement of two goals:

1. Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance of uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.
2. By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was I now?". In time, the narcissist adopts this "official version" as the truth. He might say: "I deserted her emotionally and sexually long before she left".

This is one of the important Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms (EIPMs) that I write about extensively here.

5. Deleting Past Sources of Narcissistic Supply

I am a narcissist. I was married to a wife for nine years. I thought and felt that I loved her more than myself, that she was my extension, a vital organ, a life sustaining substance, a drug.

---

---

---

The minute we divorced - she was deleted from my archives. I never spoke to her again. Not because I am angry at her - but because she is not a worthwhile investment any longer. With limited resources of time and mental energy I began vigorously pursuing other sources of narcissistic supply. She no longer constituted one, even potentially - so, why bother? She was so effectively deleted from my mind and memory that I find that I have no interest in what has or hasn't happened to her in the slightest. I rarely if at all think about her or us.

Had she tried to contact me I would have regarded it as an insolent intrusion upon my private life, a waste of my precious and cosmically significant time, a boring, irrelevant post mortem of a now defunct business venture with nothing to gain from it. I would in turn be flattered (that she emotionally NEEDS me so, that I am indispensable), then I would have gotten bored and then simply angry at having to go through all this. I would have become discourteous and finally abusive in an effort to terminate this utterly superfluous exchange.

It could be speculated that my behavior is a defense mechanism against the pain and hurt inflicted upon me by her abandonment (what I call EIPM - Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanism here). But this is, at the very best, a very partial explanation. I behave the same with "close" friends, business "associates", other women in my life who never hurt me nor were contemplating to. No, the better, more complete explanation is the shift of scarce energy from a defunct source of narcissistic supply - to a newly promising one. The shift is so abrupt and so total that it is MECHANIC, not human. Hence the apprehension and tremendous agony of those who are its objects.

Many theoreticians and clinicians came to the conclusion that narcissism is, indeed, a disturbance in development, growth interrupted. They invented special technical and non-technical terms to describe this: "Puer Aeternus" (the Eternal Adolescent - a term coined by the Jungian Satinover) or "The Peter Pan Syndrome" (though the latter was not exclusively linked to narcissism).

Freud - as opposed to Jung and others - regards narcissism as a permanent, fixated regression to very early childhood. The narcissistic feelings of omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience compensated the child for the creeping realizations of powerlessness, object temporariness (mother or other objects disappear sometimes), and ignorance. It is a defense mechanism the child - with the help of a "good enough mother" (Winnicott) - is supposed to dispense with later in life. But if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is not "good enough", the child feels too insecure to overcome his narcissism and "gets stuck" at that stage for the rest of his adult life. The narcissist refuses to grow and face his own limitations and the world which he perceives - after his the model provided by his mother - to be hostile, unpredictable and cruel.

Much more in FAQ 64 and FAQ 25

6. Realizations

I realized:

• That the only enemy worth considering are inside me.
• That only semantics separates illusion from reality.
• That being hurt is a not a conscious decision or a choice -
  and that therefore, I should stop feeling guilty or blameworthy.
• That it is only through others that I can be led to myself.
• That my detractors possess only the power I give them and never more.
• That "Everything Flows" is both a source of sadness and a source of hope and strength.
• That, therefore, sadness is a source of hope and strength.
• That only I possess the licence and the wherewithal to perpetuate my abuse.
• That even my premeditation is accidental.
• That my intelligence is a double edged sword.
• That anything I say can and will be used against me but it should not deter me.
• That my omnipotence is powerless and my ignorance is omniscient.
• That I live only once and am whiling my present away mourning the past and fearing the future.
• That, in the face of dead ends, it is best to reverse course.

7. Narcissism and Nihilism

I don't think that there is a necessary connection between the will to power (Nietzsche) and narcissism. Narcissism has more to do with UNREALISTIC, grandiose fantasies, and lack of empathy. A realistic pursuit of power would not qualify as narcissism, to my mind.

To my mind, the "morphogenetic field" of "cultural narcissism" is a set of potentials. It includes many possible behaviors (some of them socially permissible, others not). The narcissist, having been subjected to abuse (doting and spoiling are forms of abuse because the child is treated as the parents' extension) - selects from the set of potential behaviors those behavior patterns that define him as a narcissist.

The big mystery is: why do we select behaviors the way we do? Why does one react to abuse by developing a personality disorder and another be seemingly glossing over it? I think that the answer is: genetics. Our repertoire of reactions (=personality) is genetically predisposed.

---

---

---

8. Narcissism and Genetics

There is a lot of research that shows that the brain - plastic as it is - reacts structurally and (dys-)functionally to abuse and trauma. The brain seems to retain an astounding level of plasticity well into adulthood and this would tend to explain why talk therapy works (when it does).

Large scale experimentation or surveys have been conducted in relation to many personality disorders (Borderline and Schizotypal, to mention but two). Hereditary components have been clearly demonstrated in some PDs (example: there are significantly more schizophrenics in families of schizotypal PDs than in control group families, or families of other PDs).

Brain structural differences have been demonstrated in other PD's (Borderline). Only NPD went almost un-researched. Not only because it is a relatively new mental health category (1980) - schizotypal and ADHD, for instance, are even newer. The reason seems to be that therapists and researchers simply hate working with narcissists and their (usually narcissistic) parents, etc. The narcissist makes the therapist's life a living hell. But, then, what is new?

 

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 15

Overview of meditation as an alternative treatment for anxiety, depression, insomnia, chronic pain and other mental health and health conditions.

Meditation of one style or another can be found in most of the major religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism and Islam. Generally, Eastern religions have tended to concentrate on meditation as a means of realizing spiritual enlightenment. This has usually also included many health promoting practices. In the West, meditation has been embraced for both reasons, too, although many people know it most as a self-help tool for promoting good health and for stress management.

Many forms of meditation result in the clearing of one's mind and this promotes a sense of calm and heightened awareness. During meditation, the brain's activity, as mapped by a device called an electroencephalograph (EEG), alters significantly. The most well-known brain waves evident during many kinds of meditation are called alpha waves. These brain waves accompany relaxation of the entire nervous system. Gamma, delta and theta brain waves accompany other types of meditation and are associated with various altered states of consciousness. Scientific studies show that the regular practice of meditation can be a powerful healing tool.

A range of disorders

Regular meditation can be used to help to treat a range of disorders, including:

• Anxiety
• Chronic pain
• Depression
• Headaches
• High blood pressure
• Insomnia
• Migraines
• Stress
• Life threatening illnesses.

---

 

---

Soothing the nervous system

Resting the mind has a dramatic effect on brain activity. When the brain moves into an alpha wave state, many physiological changes occur, starting with the autonomic nervous system. One of the main roles of the autonomic nervous system is to regulate glands and organs without any effort from our conscious minds. The autonomic nervous system is made up of two parts, called the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. These systems act in opposite yet complementary ways; the sympathetic nervous system 'revs' the body, while the parasympathetic calms it down. Chronic stress or burnout can occur when the sympathetic nervous system dominates for too long. During an alpha wave state, the parasympathetic half of the autonomic nervous system comes to the fore. This results in lowered blood pressure and heart rate, a reduction in stress hormones, and slowed metabolism. If meditation is practiced regularly, these beneficial changes become relatively permanent.

Different types of meditation

Meditation has evolved out of many different religions and philosophies, which means there are a number of different techniques to choose from. Some examples include:

• Concentrating on the breath - consciously noticing the movement of air in and out of your nostrils, or counting the breath in variety of ways.

• Emptying the mind - allowing the mind to clear and 'float', gently pushing aside any stray thoughts, or allowing thoughts to float in and out of awareness.

• Looking at an object - focusing your attention, but not necessarily your thoughts, on the shape, sound and texture of an object, such as a tree or a candle flame.

• Movement - using a physical technique like yoga, Qi Gong or Tai Chi to still the mind by coordinating the breath and the body with gentle movement.

• Using a mantra - repeating a word or phrase over and over, either out loud or silently, to focus the attention, perhaps timed with the breath.

Practicing meditation

Whatever your preferred technique, it helps in the beginning to have a quiet place, a comfortable sitting position and around five minutes to half an hour without outside distractions. Set an alarm if you don't want to lose track of time. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to sit cross-legged on the floor in order to meditate. You can sit in a chair, or sit up in bed. You might just fall asleep, however, if you try to meditate lying down, which defeats the purpose of doing it.

---

Meditating every day at around the same time can help to develop a regular habit and make it easier and quicker to slip into deeply meditative states. Although you can master meditation by yourself, some people prefer to attend classes and learn in a group from an experienced teacher.

Trying too hard

Trying to meditate is a lot like trying to sleep - attempting to force it often makes it more difficult. Thinking of a meditation session as a chance to relax rather than as a discipline you have to master can make a great difference. If your attention wanders, practice acceptance and avoid getting annoyed with yourself. Simply direct your attention back to what you are doing and experience the moment.

Special considerations

In the instance of serious mental illness, meditation should be used with caution, if at all.

Where to get help

• Your doctor
• Yoga, Qi Gong and Tai Chi teachers
• Meditation teachers.

Things to remember

• Meditation is the deliberate focusing of attention to bring about feelings of calm, heightened energy and awareness.

• Regular meditation offers many health benefits, such as reduced stress and blood pressure.

• There are many different ways to meditate, such as using a mantra, looking at an object or focusing on the breath.

 

---

 

---

back to: Alternative Medicine Home ~ Alternative Medicine Treatments

A Primer on Depression and Bipolar Disorder

II. MOOD DISORDERS AS PHYSICAL ILLNESSES

H. Public Policy

I would like to say a few words about some reforms needed in public policy if we are to give people with depression and bipolar disorder, in particular, and people with chronic mental illness in general, a reasonable chance for adequate treatment. I am not a sociologist or a political scientist, so I must leave it to others to devise methods for actually accomplishing these goals.

First, there is an urgent need for some kind of adequate health insurance for both physical and mental illnesses, available to all people at a price they can afford. For mental illness this system should provide all needed services ranging from diagnosis, to talk therapy, to medication, to hospitalization, if necessary. I know that there are those among us who will be quick to utter the dreaded words "socialized medicine", the kiss of death to all policies designed to help the victim instead of enrich the doctor. So be it. I have seen "socialized medicine" at work in Europe, and I learned that mostly it does work, particularly in Scandinavia. So long as mental health services must be purchased by the consumer, the rich will be adequately treated and the poor will live in misery, a gross mockery of their equal inalienable human worth.

Whenever I visit Washington DC, I feel an intense sense of outrage when I see the groups of shabby homeless men (mostly) clustered for survival on sidewalk heat vents from the great white marble palaces our government likes to house itself in. Up close, one sees that they are filthy, their clothes are filthy and ragged, shoes even worse, and that they give every appearance of being depressed and/or unable to connect meaningfully with reality.

Studies show that (roughly) half the group has serious problems with alcohol or street drugs. The bulk of the others people with chronic mental illness who have been dropped by the existing public mental health system. They filter down to the bottom, unable to care for themselves, and struggle with the unrelieved misery of their illness. And I ask myself "Is this what a 'superpower' does for its citizens? Allow them to sink to a level of personal degradation not usually seen outside of the third world? Dooming them to a hell from which they can hope to emerge only by dying? Would anyone knowingly consign his/her fellow human to such a fate?"

The way I see it is that if this country is rich enough to blow away billions of dollars a year in tax breaks to wealthy corporations, then it can easily afford to provide adequate health insurance to all its citizens. Some national priorities need to change, and soon!

A second issue is providing adequate supervision and direction to our public mental health system at local, county, and state levels. It is well to recall historically that when effective medications for mental illness became available, the majority of the patients in large state and federal mental hospitals were released on the theory (i.e. assumption) that they could then be treated effectively on an outpatient basis at the local level.

In theory, a network of well-financed Community Mental Health Centers and half-way houses were to be established to provide this care. Unfortunately there was no follow-through: federal aid was diverted to other ends, and community based services were left the responsibility of local governments, who found themselves swamped by a large influx of people needing care, while having no new source of revenue to pay the costs. In many states existing Community Mental Health Centers tended to focus on the less serious problems (personal adjustment, conflict management and resolution, divorce, etc.) and people with chronic mental illness found they had nowhere to turn: the local centers were unable or unwilling to treat them, and the hospitals were closing down.

Happily this problem has been recognized, and in the past few years a number of states (in response to federal mandate) have given their systems a major reorganization. In some cases, state and local chapters of NAMI have played an important, even decisive, role in representing the interests of people who have chronic mental illness. In those states where this process worked well, much improved access to the system resulted for people with chronic mental illness. The job is not done yet, and everyone interested in conquering mental illness: those who have chronic mental illness, family, friends, all of us, must continue to press for improved services for people who have chronic mental illness at all levels of government.

next: A Spiritual Model of Healing and Wellness
~ back to Manic Depression Primer homepage
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Which alternative treatments work for depression and anxiety? A succinct summary of the scientific evidence.

Most people with depression or anxiety try to manage the illness themselves. Some of these self-management approaches have undergone some reasonable scientific testing and can therefore be tried, especially when the depression is not severe or life-threatening.

• Some common strategies like drinking more alcohol or smoking cannabis are clearly unhelpful.

• Other people try alternative therapies or adjusting their life-cycle. Some activities like increased physical activity or attention to sleep patterns are clearly beneficial.

• Herbal remedies and other alternative health practices may be either helpful or harmful.

• Some of these approaches have undergone some reasonable scientific testing and can therefore be tried, especially when the depression is not severe or life-threatening. Treatments in the 'poor evidence' box below need more studies to see whether they are helpful or not.

TABLE 1. EVIDENCE-BASE OF DIFFERENT ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS FOR DEPRESSION

Good Evidence	Some Evidence	Poor Evidence
- St John's Wort - Physical exercise - Self-help books involving cognitive behavior therapy - Light therapy (for winter depression)	- Acupuncture - Light therapy (for non-seasonal depression) - Massage therapy - Negative air ionisation (for winter depression) - Relaxation therapy - SAMe (S-Adenosylmethionine)* - Folate - Yoga breathing exercises	- Ginseng - Lemon balm - Painkillers - Vervain# - Colour therapy - Prayer - Chocolate

*SAMe is an amino acid that occurs naturally in cells. # Vervain is a traditional herbal remedy for depression consisting of the aerial parts of a flowering plant.
Source: Jorm AF, Christensen H, Griffiths KM, Rodgers B. Effectiveness of complementary and self-help treatments for depression. MJA 2002; 176 Suppl
May 20: p. S84-96.

TABLE 2. EVIDENCE-BASE OF DIFFERENT ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS FOR ANXIETY

Good Evidence	Some Evidence*	Poor Evidence
- Kava - Exercise - Relaxation therapy - Bibliotherapy	- Acupuncture - Music - Autogenic training# - Meditation - Inositol## - Alcohol avoidance - Dance/ movement therapy	- Bach flower remedies - Berocca - Ginger - Gotu Kola - Herbal preparations - Homeopathy - Lemongrass - Licorice - Magnesium - Passionflower - St John's Wort - Valerian - Vitamin C - 5-Hydroxytryptophan - Aromatherapy - Hydrotherapy - Massage/ touch therapy - Humour - Prayer - Yoga - Caffeine reduction - Carbohydrate rich, protein- poor diet - Nicotine avoidance

 

*The evidence for the alternative treatments in this column pertains to specific types of anxiety disorders ranging from generalized anxiety disorder to obsessive compulsive disorder. #Autogenic training is a self-relaxation procedure that is based on passive concentration on bodily perceptions (eg. heaviness and warmth of legs). ##IInositol is an isomer of glucose and it occurs in the normal human diet with around one gram per day being consumed. Source: Jorm AF, Christensen H, Griffiths KM, Parslow RA, Rodgers B, Blewitt KA. Effectiveness of complementary and self-help treatments for anxiety disorders. MJA (in press).

---

 

---

back to: Alternative Medicine Home ~ Alternative Medicine Treatments