Society and Happiness

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

So if happiness is so important to us, and its what everyone seeks, then why aren't there any classes on how to be happy? No society, past or present, has put any emphasis on teaching people to experience what we all yearn for. You'd think with the magnitude of the role happiness plays in our lives, that there would be some type of education on the subject. Ever seen "A Study in Happiness" offered at school? No, of course not.

I've racked my brain trying to figure out why we don't teach people about how to help themselves feel good, and I think it comes down to one reason. Society, as a whole, has some pretty big misconceptions about what it means to be happy. We have passed down from generation to generation the belief that happiness, or unhappiness, can be attributed to external causes. We've been told that other people and the circumstances make us happy or unhappy. That our happiness is outside ourselves. Here's what Richard Evans has to say about happiness and society.

"The Pursuit of Happiness"

There are some fine distinctions to be found in the now immortal phrase, "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Life is eternal; liberty, an inalienable right, but with happiness - we are offered only the right to pursue it! We can give a man his liberty but not so his happiness. We can help, but ultimately he has to help himself to happiness. This all men have in common, we are searching for happiness. No one wants to be unhappy; no one deliberately sets out to try to make a muddle of his life.

Among the many misconceptions concerning this thing so much pursued are these: (One) That money makes happiness. False. It may help or it may hinder. Some men have sold their happiness, but no one was ever able to buy it. (Two) That pleasure is the same as happiness. False. You can wear yourself ragged in pursuit of pleasure and still wake up in dull despair. (Three) That fame brings happiness. False. The record eloquently indicates otherwise. (Four) That happiness must be found in far places. False again. We carry it with us.

If there were no reasonable chance of finding happiness, we had just as well ring down the curtain on time and eternity, for happiness is properly the chief business and ultimate aim of life. "Men are, that they might have joy." But there is no point in pursuing it where it never was and never will be found. No one ever over took anything -- including happiness -- by pursuing it on the wrong road. If we want it, we had better look for it where it is."

Since society believes happiness comes from things and events, it's focus is on classes that help you get things and events. The most important lessons are left up to you to sort out. Who am I? What do I believe? How can I be happy?


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next: Using Unhappiness As Motivation

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Society and Happiness, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/creating-relationships/society-and-happiness

Last Updated: August 6, 2014

The Impact of Child Abuse - The Hidden Bruises

What are the signs and symptoms of child physical, sexual and emotional abuse and the risks for anxiety, depression and substance abuse. Read more.

What are the signs and symptoms of child physical, sexual and emotional abuse and the risks for anxiety, depression and substance abuse? Read more.

The statistics on physical child abuse are alarming. It is estimated hundreds of thousands of children are physically abused each year by a parent or close relative. Thousands die. For those who survive, the emotional trauma remains long after the external bruises have healed. Communities and the courts recognize that these emotional "hidden bruises" can be treated. Early recognition and treatment are important to minimize the long term effect of physical abuse.

Children who have been abused may display:

  • feelings of sadness or other symptoms of depression
  • a poor self-image
  • sexual acting out
  • inability to trust or love others
  • aggressive, disruptive, and sometimes illegal behavior
  • anger and rage
  • self-destructive or self-abusive behavior, suicidal thoughts
  • passive or withdrawn behavior
  • fear of entering into new relationships or activities
  • anxiety and fears
  • school problems or failure
  • flashbacks, nightmares
  • drug abuse and alcohol abuse

Often the severe emotional damage to abused children does not surface until adolescence or later when many abused children become abusing parents. An adult who was abused as a child often has trouble establishing intimate personal relationships. These men and women may have trouble with physical closeness, touching, intimacy, and trust as adults. They are also at higher risk for anxiety, depression, substance abuse, medical illness, and problems at school or work.

Without proper treatment, physically abused children can be damaged for life. Early identification and treatment are important to minimize the long-term consequences of abuse. Child and adolescent psychiatrists provide comprehensive evaluation and care for children who have been abused. The family can be helped to learn new ways of support and communicating with one another. Through treatment, the abused child begins to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust.

Physical abuse is not the only kind of child abuse. Many children are victims of neglect, or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. In all kinds of child abuse, the child and the family can benefit from the comprehensive evaluation and care of a child and adolescent psychiatrist.


 


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next: Common Symptoms in Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
~ all abuse library articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). The Impact of Child Abuse - The Hidden Bruises, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/impact-of-child-abuse

Last Updated: May 6, 2019

Narcissist and Money - Excerpts Part 15

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 15

  1. Money and the Narcissist
  2. Treating Your Narcissist
  3. Forgetting My Self
  4. What to Tell Your Narcissist?
  5. Narcissists Hate Happy People
  6. Sexual Abuse
  7. Punishing Evil
  8. Psychology

1. Money and the Narcissist

Money stands for love in the narcissist's emotional vocabulary. Having been deprived of love early on in his childhood, the narcissist constantly seeks for love substitutes. To him, money is THE love substitute. All the qualities of the Narcissist are manifest in his relationship with money, and in his attitude towards it. Due to his sense of entitlement - he feels that he is entitled to other people's money. His grandiosity leads him to believe that he should have, or does have more money than he actually has. This leads to reckless spending, to pathological gambling, to substance abuse, or to compulsive shopping. Their magical thinking leads narcissists to irresponsible and short-sighted behavior, the results of which they believe themselves to be immune from. So, they descend to debt, they commit financial crimes, they hassle people, including their closest relatives. Their fantasies lead them to believe in financial (fabricated) "facts" (achievements) - incommensurate with their talents, qualifications, jobs, and resources. They pretend to be richer than they are, or capable of becoming rich, if they so resolve. They have a love-hate ambivalent relationship with money. They are mean, stingy, and calculating with their own money - and spendthrift with OPM (other people's money). They live lavishly, well above their means. The often go bankrupt and ruin their businesses. Reality very rarely matches their grandiose fantasies. Nowhere is the grandiosity gap more evident than where money is involved.

2. Treating Your Narcissist

Treat them as you would children. This is so CLEAR and so endearing. It fosters in many the wish to protect the narcissist from his own delusions or to violently shake him into submission for his own good. The narcissist is like that wide eyed, hands up, Jewish kid in the famous holocaust photograph, his clothes concealing a load of food weightier than he, his fate sealed, his gaze accepting and far. A Nazi SS soldier is pointing a gun at him. It is all in sepia colours and the bustle of everyday death is muted in the background.

3. Forgetting My Self

I HAD amnesia of myself. I knew next to nothing about who I was, what I did, how I felt. Then, life shattering events handed me the answers. Then I went looking for a label for what I learned about myself.

  • I knew nothing.
  • I discovered that I knew nothing.
  • I studied myself.
  • I labeled my findings.

Are labels self fulfilling prophecies? I think that yes, to some extent. This risk DEFINITELY exists. I try to avoid it by interacting with other narcissists and especially with victims of narcissists. I FORCE myself to be as un-narcissistic as I can: help people, empathize, deny selfishness, avoid grandiosity (and I do face temptations).

It is not working. I act out. I lash at the new "Sam". Maybe it is my narcissism fighting the last battle. Maybe I am administering the coup de grace.

And maybe not. Maybe my new found philanthropy is another narcissistic ploy.

The worst part is when you are no longer able to tell the healthy from the sick, your self from your invented self, your will from the dynamics of your disorder.

4. What to Tell Your Narcissist?

I would tell him that we are all shaped in our early childhood by people: parents, teachers, other adults, our peers. It is a delicate job of fine tuning. Very often it is incomplete or wrongly done. As children, we defend ourselves against the incompetence (and, sometimes, the abuse) of our elders. We are individuals, so we each adopt (often unconsciously) a different defense mechanism. One of these self-defense mechanisms is called "narcissism". It is the choice not to seek love and acceptance from - and not to give them to - those incapable or unwilling to provide it. Instead, we construct an imaginary "self". It is everything that we are not, as children. It is omnipotent, omniscient, immune, grandiose, fantastic and ideal. We direct our love at this creation. But deep inside, we know that it is our invention. We need others to inform us constantly and persuasively that it is not MERELY our invention, that it has an existence all of its own, independent of us. This is why we look for "narcissistic supply": attention, adoration, admiration, applause, approval, affirmation, fame, power, sex, etc.




5. Narcissists Hate Happy People

Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness and, in short, life itself.

The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.

The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing which reminds narcissists of the totality of their envious experiences than happiness. They lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and life of those around him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, the fount, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with the reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers, and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit and remit of his control, or initiative.

Moreover, the narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

The narcissist often says to people he made unhappy:

"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist".

The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves its cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah?".

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control.

The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. The narcissist suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him, nor by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy, and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

And the victims of the narcissist?

We hate the perpetrator of abuse also because he made us hate ourselves. Trying to avert the ultimate act of self-hatred, trying to avoid self liquidation, we "kill" ourselves symbolically by denying ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings. It is an act of magic, a ritual of exorcism, a transubstantiation, a black eucharist of hate. By denying our selves we deny our only possible savior, our only feasible solution and absolution: our selves. We thus hope to avoid confronting the unthinkable, feeling the impossible, committing the irreversible. But, inevitably, it backfires. We feel rage, helplessness, self-contempt, weakness and the temptation of requiting our misery once and for all.

The victims of the narcissist are, thus, unhappy people to start with.

6. Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be interpreted as an extreme form of projective identification, a primitive defense mechanism. The abuser gets in touch with his weaker, needier, younger, immature, dependent, helpless part - the part that he derides, hates and fears - by having sex with a child. A child is weak, and needy, and young, and immature, and dependent, and helpless. Having sex with a child is a mode of communication. The abuser connects to these areas in himself that he abhors, holds in contempt, loathes, and is terrified of, the fault lines of his precariously balanced personality.

The child is forced to play these parts - neediness, dependence, helplessness - by the abuser. The sexual act is an act of auto-erotic narcissism (especially between a parent and his off-spring), an act of having intercourse with one's self. But it also an act of cruel subjugation and submission, a sadistic act of humiliation. The abuser symbollically humbles these parts in himself that he hates, through the agency of the abused child. Sex is to the abuser an instrument of dominance, a transformation of extreme aggression directed at the abuser's self but through a child.

The more "stereotypical" the child - the more "valuable" (appealing) it is to the abuser. If not helpless, needy, weak, dependent, and submissive - the child loses his or her value and function.




7. Punishing Evil

As far as abuse is concerned, there is no relative morality, or mitigating circumstances.
Abusers are NEVER right. They should ALWAYS be punished and severely.
YOU are never to blame. You are not responsible, not even partly.
We do not punish evil people. We punish evil deeds.
We do not lock people up ONLY when they are evil. We more often lock them up when they are dangerous.
You should start not by learning to love.
You should start by learning to HATE.
Learn to hate properly, unabashedly, openly. Flaunt it.

You will then be able to love yourself - but not before.

To my mind, the OVERRIDING emotion is GRIEF because it is a spectrum and one colour in the spectrum is shame. But it is not terribly important as long as you are capable of feeling them all.

8. Psychology

Psychology is lacking in philosophical rigour because it was established by charlatans and by medical doctors (medicine being a heuristic, taxonomic, exegetic-diagnostic, descriptive, phenomenological, and statistical discipline). Not much of a pedigree.

Psychology was founded as the "mechanics" and "dynamics" of the psyche. As physics became more interested in describing the world rather than in explaining it - psychology acquired the added legitimacy to seek similar goals.

Hence the prevailing emphasis on symptoms, signs, and behaviours, and the shift away from scientifically suspect "models" and "theories" (however poetic).

In future, instead of nine criteria one would have to possess two to qualify as a veritable PD. It is progress - but of the horizontal kind.

And to do this we must get rid of the LANGUAGE of psychology because it limits our ability to say anything new, or profoundly fundamental. It IS descriptive and phenomenological. It will not allow for anything else. What is depression if not a list of OUTSIDE correlations, pairs of behaviors/observations? And isn't PTSD another DSM category derived through the same faulty tools?

A clear cut delineation, a line of demarcation, a scientifically rigorous taxonomy is NOT possible even if we employ totally extraneous tools such as "symptoms", "signs", "behaviors", "presenting symptoms", etc. The scalpel is much too thick, the grains much too coarse. We need much more refined analytic AND synthetic tools.

 



next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 16

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Narcissist and Money - Excerpts Part 15, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-15

Last Updated: June 1, 2016

Voluntary Simplicity and Intentional Conscious Living

Interview with Dr. Anthony Spina, founder and president of Knowledge Resources

Anthony C. Spina, Ph.D. has over 25 years business, industry, and education experience in both internal and external consulting. He has broad professional experience in multiple disciplines, such as organizational effectiveness, research, market analysis, training, change management, information technology, and marketing.

He is the founder and president of Knowledge Resources, an organization focused on facilitating transitioning processes for both individuals and organizations attempting to meet the challenges and demands of constantly changing, complex environments. Dr. Spina considers himself a social critic and management philosopher passionately concerned about the societal impact of technology on the way we live and work.


Tammie: What attracted you personally to the voluntary simplicity movement?

Dr. Spina: Approximately fifteen years ago, I started to become very much aware of my lifestyle and of those oround me (friends, neighbors, relatives, co-workers, etc). I continually heard and witnessed how hectic everyone's lives were and how they wanted to get out of the rat race. Compared to living conditions 30-40 years ago, there appeared to be a paradox. We have the most labor saving devices now in society than ever before in history. In the 1980's, all the business journals reported that the problem of the 90's was going to be how to fill up all our leisure time. They predicted a 35-hour work week and that the fastest growing industry would be the leisure marketplace. Needless to say something quite different is in place.


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More recently, I stumbled upon the simplicity movement while performing the literature review for my dissertation. Actually, I discovered it during the concept stage and delved deeper into the phenomenon in the initial stages of my research. I was looking into the literature associated with quality of life issues and happiness. The volume of information was sufficient for several lifetimes of research. The topic of simplicity stirred up great curiosity in me and I decided to seek out the potential relationship between this trend and what I was observing in my everyday life. That's when I began reading more of the publications associated with simplicity and my interest grew exponentially into the meaning and processes behind this trend.

Tammie: You indicated in your wonderful article, "Research Shows New Aspects of Voluntary Simplicity" that in all the cases that you studied of individuals who "downshifted" or made significant moves to simplify their lives, there existed a "wake up" call or a triggering event. Were there common themes related to the kinds of events or realizations that served as an impetus for change in the people that you studied? And if so, what were they?

Dr. Spina: Bare in mind that my research was qualitative. If perhaps, I had performed a quantitative study and surveyed thousands of people, then maybe I would have seen a pattern. However, in my research, there were no common, easily identified "triggers." Each was very unique and common to the individual's situation and circumstances. These included events such as divorce, witnessing a tragic event, a vacation in the wilderness, or job loss, to name a few. But we all experience these events in our lives and yet the majority of us do not make major transitions. The "trigger" alone is not enough. The stage has to be set to allow the individual to hear the "signal" when the trigger is fired and take us above the "noise" level.

Tammie: What, specifically, are you referring to when you talk about the "noise" level?

Dr. Spina: The word "noise" was inspired and borrowed from the field of Communication and Information Theory. In layman's terms, recall the time before cable when you had to adjust the rabbit ears on top of your TV to tune in the station, thus resulting in a clear picture and sound. The snow and static, where the "noise" and the picture & sound represented the message which contained information. The greater the noise, the weaker the signal. When the message is unintelligible, information is not transmitted and all meaning is lost.

Using this metaphor to amplify (no pun intended) my research findings, the meaning(s) in our daily living is often drowned out by the noise we experience. This "noise," enabled by many of our modern technologies, takes the form of over-work, the glut of information, consumerism/materialism, mass advertising, and the TV & personal computers. Included in this last category are the cell phones, beepers, laptops, pagers, FAX machines, etc. which blur the line between our work space and personal lives. The signal must emerge from all this noise and can only occur if one is ready and pre-disposed to begin adjusting the "rabbit ears" (I couldn't resist) of our lives to make it happen.

Tammie: Thanks. That's a terrific analogy. You also reported that each participant in your study appeared to experience a process that involved three stages: (1) Pre-transition, (2) Trigger or motivation, and (3) Post-Transition. Would you mind elaborating on these stages just a bit?

Dr. Spina: The pre-transition state is what I observed as a set of conditions or circumstances which had significantly deteriorated the quality of living. It's an awareness state. "I know something is wrong. I am not finding my present life situation to be meaningful, enjoyable, or worthy of being sustained. I am not sure what it is I am searching for, but this isn't it anymore." This is typically the state of mind of one in this pre-transition state. Once again, many of us feel this way from time to time, but when it becomes sustained and there is this mental affirmation that it just won't do anymore. the stage is set. The "noise" level in our lives has become saturated. All that is needed is something to tip the scales, which leads to the next stage.

The trigger or motivation stage is what caused these individuals to reclaim meaning in their lives. It can be what we typically refer to as the "last straw," but more likely, it's something totally more remote. For example, one of my research participants recalled being on a vacation trip which involved a day long kayak trip in which they were only able to take along the bare essentials for life. This event raised their awareness of the excesses in their normal lives. Now this doesn't appear on the surface to be such a mind-blowing event, but coupled with their existing quality of life, this is all it took to send them into the next stage.

Once the participant recognized what is truly important in their lives, the source of noise is easily identified and minimized as necessary. This is what I referred to as the post-transition stage. Here is where the signal or meaning levels are turned up high and the person is now pursuing the lifestyle that was absent from his or her daily living previously. It may involve a geographic move, a divorce, a change of jobs, or all of the above. The most revealing observation I made was that this new direction was really not new at all. It was what these people were all about since their youth, but over the years, the noise, often assisted by our high-tech society, dimmed out.


Tammie: You've explored how technology has served as a trigger or motivator in leading some people to downshift and you offer a very important perspective that I'm hoping you might share.

Dr. Spina: When I began my research, I was seeking a connection between this movement and technology, particularly, information-related technologies. I admitted that my researcher bias was looking to indict technology as the negative motivator.

My first observation was quite the contrary. Several downshifters use technology to help simplify. The most obvious example is using the computer to tele-work or tele-commute, thus working from home, either full or part-time. This allows for more flexible scheduling in one's life and a better balance between work and family. This, of course, assumes the nature of your passion and work allow for this arrangement. Others use email to connect with distance friends and family, as well as other simplicity advocates forming online communities of interest. Personally, having been a technocrat most of my life, I prefer face-to-face encounters over the electronic ones. Yet, look at what's facilitating this dialogue right now and witness the audience that may be exposed to this discussion.

Tammie: You pointed out that the Kellogg company reduced work hours to six hours a day during the depression in order to preserve jobs, and as a result the quality of life for these workers improved significantly. There have been a number of studies it seems that indicate that there's a very definite relationship between fewer work hours and quality of life and yet for the most part, most Americans just keep working longer and harder these days it seems. Why is that from your perspective?

Dr. Spina: Work was identified as one of the greatest examples of "noise." The work-spend-consume-work- spend-consume cycle is ruling the majority of American society. For many, who we are is defined by what we do and what we have. We have a multiplicity of identities. Kenneth Gergen, in his book, The Saturated Self, calls this "multiphrenia." If we need to identify ourselves externally, we will easily sink into the noise levels. In order to buy all those nice accoutrements, we will need to work more to obtain the money to pay for those purchases. The market will gladly accommodate this desire. Advertising and its associated media target just this situation and we respond.


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Members of the Voluntary Simplicity (VS) movement transition from an externally identified self to an internally identified self. This is where all the meaning, the signal, resides. It takes courage to do this, because by placing less emphasis on material possessions, one has to identify one's self by what's inside. How many know what that is, since we have been brainwashed to rely on external things for this answer? For those, the majority, who have not come to this realization, they will have to continue to define themselves externally. This means more money, which in turn means more work.

There are many other factors that contribute to overwork, related to economics, globalization, advances in technology, the transforming to a service economy, single parent families, etc. All the people in my research were affected by these conditions as well. Therefore, I have offered my opinion from a more micro level.

Tammie: Your definition of simplicity, "living life to its fullest (by each person's own standards) without harm to the planet or the society," is a wonderful one. How have you applied this definition to your own life?

Dr. Spina: I struggle with this daily. Personally, I have been through the first and second stages of VS, or what I am now calling Intentional Conscious Living (ICL). Almost four years ago, I left my corporate career for more meaningful work. I watch my purchases of material things much more closely than ever before and have become more environmentally aware. I no longer rely on external appearances for my identity, for who "I am." The other members of my family are not necessarily in concert with my new found direction. That has caused conflict and limits on how fast and how deep I can move in the direction of simplification. So I am still executing the third stage of post-transition quality of life. I am certain the path is correct, but uncertain of the challenges ahead. Nevertheless, the "signal" is strong and the meaning is becoming more clear daily. The dependence on money (more than is really necessary) is the most difficult challenge in the face of mortgages, college tuition, etc. All of these can be overcome as is evidenced in the simplicity literature.

Tammie: You've also asserted that perhaps we need a new defining term to describe what we're currently referring to as "the simple living movement" and you've suggested "intentional conscious Living" as an alternative. How might "intentional conscious living" more accurately define this movement?

Dr. Spina: I believe that if VS'ers truly wish to share the experience, meaning, and satisfaction of their newly-found quality of life, the focus should not be on frugality alone or being a tightwad. What I said before, is that many people define themselves by what "they have" and "how they look." If you were to appeal to these folks and encourage them to give these possessions up, you are in reality asking them to give up part of themselves. ICL is not giving up anything. It's getting something back that has been lost. This is the message that needs to be conveyed. Now it may involve, less spending, more environmental awareness, different purchasing options, but this should be an effect not the inspiration for the transition.

When I approach people with the term simplicity, they respond with fear and apprehension. They tell me, "I like spending money and will work hard to get it. I enjoy a day at the mall. I like to have nice things." It is not for me to judge these people as being uninformed or unenlightened. However, if these same people tell me they are unhappy, hate their work, need more time, feel stressed, have little energy for relationships, and wish things were simpler; then they need to live a life that is more mindful, more conscious, more intentional. This is the first message they should hear, not start downsizing!

Tammie: That's a really important point that you've made, and I agree with you. Tom Bender once wrote when addressing the tendency of so many Americans towards overconsumption that, "after awhile more becomes a heavy load." I'm wondering how you would respond to Bender's statement.

Dr. Spina: I think I may have already answered this question. The more toys we have the more attention and maintenance they require, not to mention more time for the additional work needed to earn the additional money to buy "more." So the burden of "more" is hidden in the process to acquire "more." It is a process that is enabled by technology in the form of television and new media advertising. It's what keeps the economy going. It's the whole consumption issue and why it's in place.

Tammie: What advice would you offer someone who's seriously considering simplifying his or her Life?

Dr. Spina: The participants in my study all took their cue from reading two books, "Voluntary Simplicity", by Duane Elgin; and, "Your Money or Your Life", by Joe Dominquez and Vicki Robin. These two works seem to represent the bible of the VS movement. I would also highly recommend that they attend a Simplicity Study Circle or begin one themselves. I recommend the latter and encourage them to read Cecile Andrew's book, "The Circle of Simplicity."

The reason to start one from scratch is based on the original intent of study circles. That is, people coming together to solve a common problem. Then, if downsizing is the goal, the more common themes of VS can be explored. If the issues are focused on more meaningful and conscious living, the group might start on a different footing. This will insure that folks won't be scared away by thinking they have to give up their homes to enjoy life. I also encourage people to "talk it up." You will be surprised to find out how many of us feel the same way but are apprehensive to speak up because we thing we are alone with these thoughts.


You can read Dr. Spina's article, "Research Shows New Aspects of Voluntary Simplicity" in the January-March 1999 issue of the Simple Living Network Newsletter. All correspondence can be directed to Dr. Spina at Knowledge Resources, 19 Norman Lane, Succasunna, NJ 07876 E-Mail: drspina@usa.net

next: Interviews: GRAYWOLF: On Psychotherapy, Consciusness, Healing and Change...

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Voluntary Simplicity and Intentional Conscious Living, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/voluntary-simplicity-and-intentional-conscious-living

Last Updated: July 21, 2014

Patiently Wild

A short story of a woman healing from a bad marriage and physical and emotional abuse.

This is the story about a single woman, a book and a range of mountains. The woman is myself, Molly Turner, fresh out of a women's hostel where I'd spent almost two years getting over a bad marriage to a man who was a victim of drink and drugs.

To my amazement, one morning in 1996, I woke up in the hostel, battered and bruised, again. That much was familiar. But I only learned later that my good friend, Michelle James and her man had pulled me out of being a punching bag for the last time. The hostel had taken me in, thank God, and there I lived until I was able to get some kind of perspective back into my life, pretty much for the first time ever. So that's a sketch of my life. More later.

Before I tell you about the book that helped me so much, you have to understand that living and loving a man who beats on you every day of your life is so exhausting. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was shattered and broken in so many ways. For hours on end, I'd sit and stare, until someone would come up to me and talk. To describe this in another way, there were no words in my thoughts, just a dumb numbing blank. A complete nothingness.

Unless you've been there, it's hard to explain it. But it always hurts, like the deepest loss imaginable, but you never know quite what it is that's gone.

So when my friend Michelle gave me a book on Sacred Mountains, I was pleased to get it. It looked great, but why? Why mountains? I don't climb. Never have. And I don't plan to. Even now.

"Just read it", Michelle told me, with the smile I've learned to recognize as deep wisdom. Michelle has a habit of doing just the right thing at the right time. "Read it, and let it move you."

So I looked at the pictures, and then began to read a book that literally lifted me away from blank voids and numbing wordlessness, onto a pathway that's given me great things in my life. The book is "Sacred Mountains: Ancient Wisdom and Modern Meanings". The man I have to thank is the author, Adrian Cooper.


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Slowly, I began to read about these beautiful peaks and summits that I'd never visited, but which formed new scenes in my mind - in a mind more used to being kicked and punched and shouted at, at any time of the day or night. Even being woken up and finding myself used as a punch bag, to this. Breathtaking ice walls. Glistening, golden rock and hill sides with pure air and green grass.

And poetry. Poetry, a subject I loved at school, but which I'd never studied since I was too small to be of interest to any one. But now I was reading the translated words of Chinese poets telling me about journeys through the clouds. Native Americans telling me about places which are a precious refuge. Africans too, loving their high pathways.

I was beginning to see why Michelle had bought the book for me. I was facing up to some huge mountains in my life. All kinds of recovery. And physical healing was only a part of it. There was a lot of emotional healing I needed too. And Adrian Cooper's book was the guide manual that Michelle wanted me to study to get me through it. Like a 'Life Skills 101' course!

But there is more than poetry in Sacred Mountains. There are women, and men too, from the 1990s, who have been through grief and anxiety and pain, but who also went out to their local mountains and watched and listened, patiently. Patiently learning from these beautiful places. Learning to be patiently at one with the wild. Patiently wild.

So I followed their example. When I was half way through the book, and unable to put it down, and unable to stop thinking about it, Michelle and Ken drove me out to the Sierra Nevada's, a four hour drive away from the city (San Francisco). My feet and legs were still aching from the past, so walking wasn't the best idea. But we drove up toward the Mariposa Grove so I could get out and look down the Yosemite Valley. Learning my first lesson on watching the summits patiently.

To my shame, I broke down and cried. I cried and cried, while Michelle held me like the good friend she is. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. It was soul-changingly beautiful. It was huge and ancient. And forgotten. But it had to be watched patiently. Nothing there could be rushed. To rush is an insult to the mountains. So always be patient. It's worth it in the end.

How can we possibly be cruel to anyone when there is beauty of this kind on the same planet we share? How could anyone ignore children when there is the need to show them mountains, and rare pathways, and glaciers, and glorious skies. Skies that change so fast toward the end of day you can't imagine the designs you'll see next. Patiently learning to act as a humble, blessed witness to the greatest show on earth. Thousands of feet high, clouds arching above mountain peaks that warm to their touch. And all the time, even when you don't know it, they're lighting fires in your mind.

And yes, I cried again on the way back too. Like a child on the back seat, leaning my head on Michelle's shoulder, sobbing for the beauty I had been shown - by a good friend and a truly great author.

Over the next weeks I finished Adrian Cooper's book and started on his next. And Michelle and Ken took me out to the Sierras every weekend. When my feet and legs got better, our hikes got longer. And what discoveries we made! Don't expect this story to turn into a geography lesson, because I don't remember all the place names. But I also don't think the names matter too much. It's their mystery that left their mark the most. Pure beauty. Honesty. Honest places - rugged, broken with the millennia, but proud to share what they have. Ready to risk being seen in their broken but mighty grandeur.

We discovered water falls that seemed to come down at us from heaven. And the people we met. Smiling hikers from all over the world led to this place by the power of these ancient mountains. Travelers who'd saved for years on end to be here, some of them on once-in-a-life-time visits. Golden Wedding Anniversaries. A need to be here, all of which I can understand now.

If I'd been shown this story before I'd read Adrian Cooper's book, I'm not sure it would have interested me. At that time, mountains, and so much else, had next to no meaning in any part of my life. Punch bags don't often take an interest in their environment, believe me! But now things are different.

We all have our mountains to climb. And that's what the book proved to me. Some of the women who tell their stories in "Sacred Mountains: Ancient Wisdom and Modern Meanings," have lived in situations beyond despair. Men have lived with grief too. So many reasons to travel to these peaks, but they all found healing when they got themselves out to the mountains, learning to watch and listen to their teaching patiently. Always, the secret is patience. So now I understand mountains aren't the exclusive preserve of mountaineers. Mountains are ours. They can be teachers to us all. Everyone. Especially the battered and bruised. All the victims of life can come to these mighty masters of time and find what they need.

So this is the story I wanted to share, about one woman, a miraculous book, and some equally miraculous mountains. And Michelle. As you may have guessed, I've had a lot of help to put this story together. So thank you again Michelle, Ken, Matthew, Gwen, Artie and Laura, you were there when I needed you most.

Lots of love to you all,

Molly Turner

next:Desiderada

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Patiently Wild, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/patiently-wild

Last Updated: July 18, 2014

Dealing with Trauma: 5 Beginning Steps

Traumatic life events can worsen psychiatric symptoms. Here are 5 steps for dealing with trauma when you are traumatized.Did you know that bad things that have happened to you in your life can cause or worsen psychiatric symptoms? There is more and more research that is confirming the strong connection between traumatic life events and psychiatric symptoms. If you feel this is true for you, medications may help you be able to do some work on this issue (you can decide about that) but there are other things you will need to do. Begin with the following.

  1. When you are traumatized, you lose control of your life. You may feel like you still don't have any control over your life. You have to take back that control by being in charge of every aspect of your life. Others, including your spouse, family members, friends and health care professionals will try to tell you what to do. Before you do it, think about it carefully. Do you feel that it is the best thing for you to do right now? If not, you should not do it. It is important that you make decisions about your own life.

  2. Talk to one or more people about what happened to you. Make sure it is a person or people who understand that what happened to you is serious and that describing it over and over again to another person is part of the healing process. It should not be a person who says something like: "That wasn't so bad." "You should just forget about it." "Forgive and forget." or "You think that's bad, let me tell you what happened to me." You will know when you have described it enough, because you won't feel like doing it anymore. Writing about it in your journal also helps a lot.

  3. You may not feel close to anyone. You may feel like there is no one you can trust. Begin now to develop close relationships with another person. Think about the person in your life that you like best. Invite them to do something fun with you. If that feels good, make a plan to do something else together at another time--maybe the following week. Keep doing this until you feel close to this person. Then, without giving up on that person, start developing a closer relationship with another person. Keep doing this until you have close relationships with at least five people. Support groups and peer support centers are good places to meet people.

  4. If you possibly can, work with a counselor or join a group for people who have been traumatized.

  5. Develop a Wellness Recovery Action Plan so you can do what you need to stay well, and so you can effectively respond to symptoms whenever they come up.

Read the self-help book on relieving the effects of trauma that I wrote with Maxine Harris.

next: Developing Your Post-Crisis Plan
~ back to Mental Health Recovery homepage
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Dealing with Trauma: 5 Beginning Steps, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/dealing-with-trauma-5-beginning-steps

Last Updated: June 20, 2016

No Body Is Perfect: Body Image and Shame

Article discussing relationship between body image and shame in women.

Article discussing relationship between body image and shame in women.

by Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W. author of I Thought It Was Just Me

We often want to believe that shame is reserved for the unfortunate few who have survived terrible traumas, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. After interviewing over 400 women across the US, I learned that there are twelve areas that are particularly vulnerable for women: appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health (including addiction), aging, sex, religion, surviving trauma, speaking out and being labeled or stereotyped.

Interestingly, there are no absolutely universal shame triggers. The issues and situations that I find shaming may not even come up on another woman's radar. This is because the messages and expectations that drive shame come from a unique combination of places including our families of origin, our own beliefs, the media and our culture. One place where women find themselves surrounded by unattainable and conflicting expectations is body image.


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While some of us might have quieted the tapes about "not being smart enough" or "not being good enough" -- it seems that almost all women continue to wage battle with looking "beautiful, cool, sexy, stylish, young and thin enough." With more than 90% of the participants experiencing shame about their bodies, body image is the one issue that comes closest to being a "universal trigger." In fact, body shame is so powerful and often so deeply rooted in our psyches that it actually affects why and how we feel shame in many of the other categories, including sexuality, motherhood, parenting, health, aging and a woman's ability to speak out with confidence.

Our body image is how we think and feel about our bodies. It is the mental picture we have of our physical bodies. Unfortunately, our pictures, thoughts and feelings may have little to do with our actual appearance. It is our image of what our bodies are, often held up to our image of what they should be.

While we normally talk about body image as a general reflection of what we look like, we can't ignore the specifics -- the body parts that come together to create this image. If we work from the understanding that women most often experience shame when we become trapped in a web of layered, conflicting and competing expectations of who, what and how we should be, we can't ignore that there are social-community expectations for every single, tiny part of us -- literally from our heads to our toes. I'm going to list our body parts because I think they are important: head, hair, neck, face, ears, skin, nose, eyes, lips, chin, teeth, shoulders, back, breasts, waist, hips, stomach, abdomen, buttocks, vulva, anus, arms, wrists, hands, fingers, fingernails, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, feet, toes, body hair, body fluids, pimples, scars, freckles, stretch marks and moles.

I bet if you look at each of these areas, you have specific body part images for each one -- not to mention a mental list of what you'd like it to look like and what you'd hate to have a specific part look like.

When our very own bodies fill us with shame and feelings of worthlessness, we jeopardize the connection we have with ourselves (our authenticity) and the connection we have with the important people in our lives. Consider the woman who stays quiet in public out of the fear that her stained and crooked teeth will make people question the value of her contributions. Or the women who told me that "the one thing she hates about being fat" is the constant pressure to be nice to people. She explained, "If you're bitchy, they might make a cruel remark about your weight." The research participants also spoke often about how body shame either kept them from enjoying sex or pushed them into having it when they didn't really want to but were desperate for some type of physical validation of worthiness.

There were also many women who talked about the shame of having their bodies betray them. These were women who spoke about physical illness, mental illness and infertility. We often conceptualize "body image" too narrowly -- it's about more than wanting to be thin and attractive. When we begin to blame and hate our bodies for failing to live up to our expectations, we start splitting ourselves in parts and move away from our wholeness.

We can't talk about shame and body image without talking about the pregnant body. Has any body image been more exploited in the past few years? Don't get me wrong. I'm all for exploring the wonders of the pregnant body and removing the stigma and shame of the pregnant belly. But let's not replace that with one more airbrushed, computer-generated, shame-inducing image for women to not be able to live up to. Movie stars who gain fifteen pounds and have their stretch marks airbrushed for their "Look! I'm human too!" portraits do not represent the realities that most of us face while pregnant.


Parenting is also a shame category affected by body image. As an admittedly vulnerable, imperfect parent, I'm not one to jump on the "blame parents for everything -- especially the mothers" bandwagon. Having said that, I will tell you what I found in my research. Shame creates shame. Parents have a tremendous amount of influence on their children's body image development, and girls are still being shamed by their parents -- primarily their mothers -- about their weight.

When it comes to parenting and body image, I find that parents fall along a continuum. On one side of the continuum, there are parents who are keenly aware that they are the most influential role models in their children's lives. They work diligently to model positive body image behaviors (self-acceptance, acceptance of others, no emphasis placed on the unattainable or ideal, focusing on health rather than weight, deconstructing media messages, etc.).

On the other side of the continuum are parents who love their children just as much as their counterparts, but are so determined to spare their daughters the pain of being overweight or unattractive (and their sons the pain of being weak) that they will do anything to steer their children toward achievement of the ideal -- including belittling and shaming them. Many of these parents struggle with their own body images and process their shame by shaming.

Last, there are the folks in the middle, who really do nothing to counter the negative body-image issues but also don't shame their children. Unfortunately, due to societal pressures and the media, most of these kids do not appear to develop strong shame resilience skills around body image. There just doesn't appear to be any room for neutrality on this issue -- you are either actively working to help your children develop a positive self-concept or, by default, you are sacrificing them to the media- and society-driven expectations.

Power, Courage and Resilience

As you can see, what we think, hate, loathe and question about our bodies reaches much further and affects far more than our appearance alone. The long reach of body shame can impact how we live and love. If we are willing to examine the messages and practice empathy around body image and appearance, we can start to develop shame resilience. We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences.

Across the interviews, women with high levels of shame resilience shared four things in common. I refer to these factors as the four elements of shame resilience. The four elements of shame resilience are the heart of my work. If we are going to confront the shame we feel about our bodies, it is imperative that we start by exploring our vulnerabilities. What is important to us? We must look at each body part and explore our expectations and the sources of these expectations. While it often painful to acknowledge our secret goals and expectations, it is the first step to building shame resilience. We have to know and explicitly identify what's important and why. I believe there is even power in writing it down.

Next, we need to develop critical awareness about these expectations and their importance to us. One way to develop critical awareness is to run our expectations through a reality-check. I use this list of questions in my work:

  • Where do the expectations about my body come from?
  • How realistic are my expectations?
  • Can I be all these things all of the time?
  • Can all of these characteristics exist in one person?
  • Do the expectations conflict with each other?
  • Am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be?
  • What are my fears?

We must also find the courage to share our stories and experiences. We must reach out to others and speak our shame. If we feed shame the secrecy and silence it craves -- if we keep the struggles with our bodies buried inside -- the shame will fester and grow. We must learn to reach out to one another with empathy and understanding. If, in a diverse sample of women ages 18 - 80, over 90% of the women struggled with body image, it is clear not one of us is alone. There is a tremendous amount of freedom that comes with identifying and naming common experiences and fears -- this is the foundation of shame resilience.

Copyright © 2007 Brené Brown

About Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., is an educator, writer, and nationally renowned lecturer, as well as a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, where she recently completed a six-year study of shame and its impact on women. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband and two children.

She is the author of I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame. Published by Gotham Books. February 2007;$26.00US/$32.50CAN; 978-1-592-40263-2.

For more information, please visit http://www.brenebrown.com/.

next: Articles: The Magic of Appreciation

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). No Body Is Perfect: Body Image and Shame, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/no-body-is-perfect-body-image-and-shame

Last Updated: July 17, 2014

Self-Destructing Narcissists - Excerpts Part 16

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 16

  1. Self-Destructing Narcissists
  2. The Fear of Being Loved
  3. Narcissists Feel Deceitful
  4. Healing through Hatred

1. Self-Destructing Narcissists

Lately, I am encountering severe opposition to my assertion that narcissists very rarely heal and that - while I AM a VERY insightful and self-aware narcissist - I am far from being "cured"...

The reactions range from mere disbelief to the occasional accusation of ... yet another narcissistic ploy ...

I have been aware of my predicament for five years now. Not only am I acquainted with most of the intricate quirks of narcissism - I even have the dubious distinction of coining a few of the phrases. If there is an "enlightened", self conscious, and insight-ridden narcissist - with all narcissistic grandiosity, it would be me.

So, controlling my impulses, both self-destructive and other-destructive, should be a piece of cake, shouldn't it?

It is not.

Upon my release from jail (1996), I left Israel never to return and proceeded to Macedonia.

When I arrived there, five years ago, it was a corrupt country, ruled by unreformed communists. I organized lectures, seminars, and media events in which I protested against the conduct of the government. I swept the youth and became a real nuisance to the regime. Following threats on my life and the arrest of one of my collaborators I fled Macedonia.

There was a happy ending, though: the ruling party was ousted in the October elections. The Prime Minister and the Minister of Trade (and, later, Finance) have invited me to serve as an economic consultant.

This offer (to become Economic Advisor) had the following merits, as far as I was concerned:

  1. Status
  2. Leverage (self enrichment, contacts around the world in media, financial, diplomatic and political circles)
  3. I was offered a monthly fee.
  4. My girlfriend is Macedonian, extremely homesick and our relationship is strained to the point of breaking by having to live outside her country. Repatriating would have secured the longevity of our relationship.
  5. It is an intellectually very challenging work.

BUT

Instead of accepting this excellent, generous, panacea-like proposal - I rejected it, insulted almost all the members of the government (the PM included) as "corrupt incompetents", turned down the offer rudely, and in a manner humiliating to the offeror, selected a certain figure there and decided that he is my mortal enemy and, in general, succeeded to humiliate, alienate, and distance myself from formerly fervent and zealous admirers of mine. Though I renewed contact with them - their answers to my pleas were so cold and hurt that I felt compelled to resign my position.

On the face of it these can be construed as either anti-narcissistic behaviors or as extreme acts of self destruction.

But, actually, these are CLASSICAL narcissistic behavior patterns. They serve to demonstrate that I am VERY far from "healing". Actually, these acts so resemble previous cases in my biography that they represent a major REGRESSION to earlier, more primitive, less controlled, narcissistic behaviors.

Let us see why I did what I did to ruin my only viable chance:

  1. Compulsive self destruction. Compulsion is a coping strategy. It is intended to diffuse or to prevent anxiety. It brings relief in its wake.
    Indeed, I was relieved to have devastated my own future. The Narcissist engages in self defeating behaviors as a way to avoid, or destroy commitments, patterns, relationships, and frameworks. These tend to smother him. I am so scared of any type of emotional involvement that I was able to discern in myself HUNDREDS of behaviors intended to prevent emotional involvement.
    I called them Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms (EIPMs). They are described and analyzed in depth here:
  2. A sense of exaggerated entitlement and grandiose fantasies combine to produce unrealistic expectations. When these are, inevitably, frustrated - the narcissist resorts to temper tantrums and other aggressive and violent behaviors. I literally imagined myself being invited publicly, on TV, by none less than the PM. A red carpet and a host of TV cameras to welcome me were an integral part of my vision. I reacted to every hint of deviation from this ideal scenario. I refused to let reality intrude. When it did, I exploded.
  3. To cater to the needs for a compulsive expurgation (catharsis) of the fear of commitment and the surreal sense of entitlement and grandiosity - the narcissist invents imaginary enemies and confabulated hurts (see FAQ 26 to 27 ).



These contraptions serve a dual purpose:

They legitimize self defeating and self destructive behaviors by replacing the perceived TARGET of these behaviors. For instance, I told myself and others that I refused to come back because I was afraid of my enemies there and especially of one particular person. That person probably scarcely heard of me and had no reason in the world to be my enemy. But once I singled him out, that was it. I unilaterally judged him to be a vile, corrupt, and dangerous foe and I behaved accordingly by "avoiding" his territory and by trying to undermine him.

The second function is to prospectively legitimize any and all acts and decisions intended to prevent emotional involvement. "Whenever I get (emotionally) involved, I create enemies and hurt myself. So, why should I get involved?" Cloaked in the mantle of "self preservation" and the pursuit of one's best interest, this kind of reasoning, based on totally fabricated figments of the narcissist's thwarted imagination - leads once more to self destruction.

2. The Fear of Being Loved

I know I am loved by many.

BUT

I don't feel loveable at all.

I attribute the FACT that people love me to their stupidity, naiveté, gullibility, ignorance, or pathology.

Had they known me, the REAL me - I assure myself - they would have never been able to love me.

As it is, it is only a question of time before they get to know me better and turn to hatred and repulsion.

So, I am on a constant state of alert, awaiting the inevitable rejection/abandonment and trying to maintain my image (false self) half-heartedly (this being a doomed effort).

3. Narcissists Feel Deceitful

Narcissists very often feel like criminals. Being, in essence, FAKES, they are deeply convinced of their culpability. They feel as though they are constantly engaged in a major scam, deceiving their nearest and dearest. This conviction stems from the primordial sin of their emotional auto-cide. Prone to neologisms, I invented this word recently to describe the murder of the True Self by its False distant relative. The guilt fostered by this act festers and yields a rich concoction of fear and self loathing.

Kafka described an inexplicable, arbitrary universe in which punishment is meted out for no apparent crime. The punishment is the trial itself: its indefiniteness, its vagueness, its ambiguity, the equivocation of all of its participants, its rigid structure which serves to cover a void, an emotional black hole, sucking the vitality and functionality of the defendant. This is a typical narcissistic reaction. Narcissists compartmentalize their life.

While upholding sadistically rigid and ideal moral standards in one area (e.g., money) - they are capable of behaving immorally in another area (sex, for instance) while, all the time, claiming the moral high ground.

4. Healing through Hatred

It is more difficult to hate someone because of what he IS - than because of what he DID.

A non-abuser may be deserving of a generalized sort of repulsion or reticence (call it hate, if you wish) - but the abuser DID things to you. He is deserving of a focused, directed, intensive hate.

A tremendous difference.

Philosophically, morally, ethically (and legally) one should not confuse impulses with responsibility.

That we have no control over our actions diminishes our responsibility.

But drives ARE controllable. So are impulses. The control can be primitive (fear) or high level (a moral conviction). Had you really felt that the abuser had no control over what he did, you would not have hated him. That you hate him is PROOF that he had control over his actions. Hate is the direct result of culpability. Do we hate tornadoes? Do we hate sandstorms or avalanches or timely and dignified death? We hate disease because we intuitively feel that there MUST be something we can do or could have done about it. We feel GUILTY. We hate collapsing bridges and train accidents - because they can be PREVENTED. Not perversely, we feel that they are AVOIDABLE.

We hate what could have been prevented by the exercise of judgment, including moral judgment, emotional judgment (love), or rational considerations.




We never hate what no amount of judgment and distinction between right and wrong could have prevented.

The abuser is GUILTY. He could have PREVENTED the abuse. He KNOWINGLY did what he did. He is CULPABLE. You hate him JUSTLY.

Here is a thought experiment:

If someone were to threaten to report the abuser to the police - would he have still committed his acts?

The answer is no, he wouldn't. This means that he could have controlled his actions, given the right incentives (or, rather, disincentives).

Hating yourself is a way of assuming the abuser's guilt. The abused child thinks: A parent can never be guilty. Parents are perfect, above reproach, above vile thoughts. It is prohibited to think badly about a parent. It must be I who is wrong and guilty and corrupt in hating my parents. I should be ashamed of myself.

It is a conflict. It is the confusion that you are experiencing. Especially since you have always been an extension of the parent and hating yourself is, therefore, no real solution.

Very often we feel that perhaps we collaborated with the abusing parent, seduced or tempted or angered or provoked him or her.

This is the crux of your problem. Your inability to distinguish the child that the abuser once was (deserving of pity and empathy) - from the monstrous adult that the abuser became, which is deserving of condemnation, contempt, hate, punishment, repulsion, and reticence. As long as you do not cease confusing these two - you will be immersed in conflict, confusion, and pain. You HAVE to sacrifice the image of your parent if you want to get better. You have to let go. You must hate in order to be able to love again. You must place guilt, blame, rage, contempt where they belong.

You cannot prevent PAST bad things from happening by feeling in the PRESENT.

Understanding, loving, compassion, empathy - must be directed at the deserving. Not to love an Hitler - is NOT EQUAL to fostering a world without feelings. One can HATE and detest Hitler passionately, vehemently, wholeheartedly - and still be loving, compassionate, full of emotions and beauty. Actually I think that hating Hitler is a PRECONDITION to experiencing true feelings. If you do not hate an Hitler something is very wrong with your emotional equipment. If you do not despise a monster - you are INCAPABLE of adult feelings, your emotional intelligence is infantile and immature. Hating an abuser - is a sign of emotional maturity, not of emotional retardation.

It is wrong to UNIVERSALIZE your feelings. Can't you SEGREGATE them? For instance: can't you love your spouse WHILE hating your abusive parent? Must you love EVERYONE, all the time? Are you so terrified of being rejected?

You love monsters. You try to understand abusers. You make excuses for the inexcusable. You mitigate your private holocaust. You legitimize abhorrent crimes. You lie to yourself. You are immorally not in touch with your real emotions. And, this way, you perpetuate your own abuse, your own torture, you collaborate with the terrorists that are and were your family.

I am an Israeli. When we encounter a terrorist with hostages, we kill him first, we ask questions later. NOTHING can justify, mitigate, explain, account for, ameliorate, or alleviate what your parent did to you. I judiciously refrain from using the phrase "what WAS DONE to you". Instead, I repeat the sentence: "what HE DID to you". It was pre-meditated.



next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 17

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Self-Destructing Narcissists - Excerpts Part 16, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-16

Last Updated: June 1, 2016

About Us

About Adders.org. Our objective is to provide information and practical help for adults and children with ADD/ADHD.Our objective is to promote awareness to Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and to provide information and as much free practical help as we can to sufferers, both adults and children, and their families in the UK and around the World via this website.

Adders.org is run by Sarah-Jayne Bass (formally Caroline Hensby) - Now known as Sarah-Jayne Caroline Bass - since September 2007 - Now known as Sarah-Jayne Caroline Bass - since September 2007 of Thanet ADDers, an ADD/ADHD non-profit support group based in Thanet, Kent, England. She has an adult son (Richard)with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and has also been diagnosed as having ADD herself, so has experience of both child and adult ADD/ADHD. Click here for more information on the local group, Thanet ADDers.

next: ADD Focus Homepage
~ back to adders.org homepage
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles


 


APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). About Us, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/about-us

Last Updated: February 13, 2016

Financial Aid for ADHD Children and Families

UK charitable organizations that provide grants and discounts to people with ADHD and other disabilities.

UK charitable organizations that provide grants and discounts to people with ADHD and other disabilities.There is an enormous range of charitable organisations that you may be able to approach for a one-off grant. They vary greatly, both in terms of the amounts of money they have and their eligibility criteria. Some may only be open to people who live in a particular geographical region, others to those who have been employed in a particular profession. A useful reference book to consult if you are looking for this kind of financial help is 'A Guide to Grants for Individuals in Need', edited by David Casson and Paul Brown, Directory of Social Change, ISBN 0 907164 86 2. You may be able to find a copy of this in the reference section of your local library.

For a copy of the Booklet produced by MENCAP which includes things for holidays for children and adults and much more Click Here

The Cinema Exhibitors' Association Card

This card entitles the holder to one free ticket for a person accompanying them to the cinema. To apply, a person will need to meet one of the following criteria - Be in receipt of Disability Living Allowance (or Attendance Allowance) at any rate. Be a registered blind person.

Cards are valid for 3 years and a £5.50 processing fee applies. 90 % of UK cinemas are supporting, from large chains like Odeon, Vue, Showcase, UCI, UGC, Cineworld and independents also. Application forms may be collected from cinemas or printed off from the website http://www.ceacard.co.uk/

The Family Fund

The Family Fund helps families of disabled and seriously ill children under the age of 16. They can give grants and information related to the care of the child. The range of grants includes holidays, leisure, and laundry equipment, driving lessons and lots more. For further information please contact

The Family Fund, PO Box 50, York, Y01 9ZX
Telephone 0845 130 45 42
Email info@familyfund.org.uk
Web site http://www.familyfundtrust.org.uk/

Family Welfare Association

Provides grants for holidays to families with children with disabilities or in need. Applications, which are considered throughout the year and must be made through a Social Worker, Health Visitor or other referring agent. For further information please contact

The Family Welfare Association, 501 - 505 Kingsland Road, London E8 4AU
Telephone 020 7254 6251
Email: fwa.headoffice@fwa.org.uk
Web site http://www.fwa.org.uk/

Children Today Charitable Trust

Children today provide funding for specialist equipment and aids for children and young people with disabilities. If your child needs a specialist piece of equipment, you can apply for a grant towards the costs. They will only assist with the purchase of equipment for individuals - not Groups, Schools, Clubs or Societies Applications will only be accepted in the name of the person for whom the equipment is required, their parent or legal guardian. The grants are mean tested but we understand that disability brings additional expenses, and look at each application sympathetically. They support applications for equipment that is going to improve and enhance a child's quality of life or independence. Financial assistance does not extend towards the purchase or upkeep of motor vehicles, building extensions, non-specialist adaptations, travel expenses or holidays. They do not fund computers or computer software independently. All enquiries first pass through another charity called the Aidis Trust, who will assess each child. If he or she falls within their criteria, Aidis will contact Children Today for joint funding.

If you require an application form, please contact Aidis directly on 01202 695244.

First of all, you need to request a grant application

Telephone 01244 335622.
For further information please contact
Children Today Charitable Trust, The Moorings, Rowton Bridge, Christleton, Chester CH3 7AE
Telephone 01244 335622
Email olly@children-today.org.uk
Web site http://www.children-today.org.uk/

The Frank Buttle Trust

Grants to individual children, or to young people including students to age 21. Applicants must be facing exceptional misfortune and will not usually have a full measure of parental support. Special interest in adopted or estranged children. Area based: NATIONWIDE. Availability: Service by post and telephone from London office. Also based in Belfast, Glasgow and Cardiff. Monthly meet in London. Service available Monday-Friday 9.00am-5.00pm. Restrictions: Children & young people.

Contact: Ms Gerri McAndrew
Phone: 020 7828 7311 - Fax: 020 7828 4724
E-Mail: Gerrimca@buttletrust.org
Address: Audley House, 13 Palace Street, LONDON SW1E 5HX




The Variety Club of Great Britain

The Variety Club can offer help to families of disadvantaged or disabled children. They can offer financial help towards essential household items, specialist equipment and clothing. There is a criteria to qualify for help and is dependant on financial circumstances. For more information you can contact them direct with a request and they will contact you back and arrange for one of their specialists to get in touch to either arrange to come and see you or to speak to you on the phone to discuss if and how they may be able to help you.

Variety Club House, 93 Bayham Street, London NW1 0AG
Tel: 0207 428 8100 - Fax: 0207 428 8123
Or visit their website at: http://www.varietyclub.org.uk/

Charles White Memorial Disabled Children's Fund

Tel 0208 2702032

Funderfuinder

Tel 0113 2433008
Website http://www.funderfinder.org.uk/
Email info@funderfinder.org.uk

Open Doors

Tel 01702 437878
Email opendoorsinfo@aol.com

Princess Royal Trust

Tel 0207 4807788
Website http://www.carers.org/
Email info@carers.org

HARNESSES

Harnesses especially designed for children and adults with challenging behaviours and learning difficulties are available from Crelling Harnesses Ltd. Suitable for vehicle seats, wheelchairs, shower/bath hoists, commodes etc.

12 Crescent East, Cleveleys, Lancs FY5 3LT
Tel 01253 852298
Email jenny@crelling.com
Website http://www.crelling.com/

INSURANCE

MCI offers help on all types of insurance policies to people with special needs and learning disabilities.
Tel 0121 2332722

Holiday Insurance

Free Spirit Solutions

They provide travel insurance. People interested in getting a quote will need to call them on the telephone number below and medical screening will be performed over the telephone.

Mary Holt, Manager, Free Spirit Solutions, Stansted House, Rowlands Castle, Hampshire, PO9 6DX; tel: 02392 419080; fax: 02392 419049; website: http://www.pjhayman.com/

Travelbility

Travelbility provides cover for all persons with pre-existing medical conditions.
Victor Fakolujo, Departmental Manager, J&M Insurance Services (UK) Plc, Travelbility, 14-16 Guilford Street, London WC1N 1OW; tel: 020 7446 7626.

COMPUTER HELP

Centerprise International Ltd

Offers software to parents of children with special needs at same price as they offer them to schools
Tel:01256 378004
Website http://www.centerprise.co.uk/

Computerkids Library

A charity aiming to encourage children with special needs - ages 3 - 8 - to use a computer at home.
Tel:01923 282720

Not really able to help financially but the following company supplies specialist equipment at a modified cost

Keytools LTD produce IT equipment for students with special needs. For example, modified keypads, mice, trackballs, adapters, software to help students with dyslexia, talking word processors, etc.

Tel: 02380 584314
Website http://www.keytools.com/
Email info@keytools.com




HOLIDAY FUNDING HELP

Holiday Care is a fantastic site giving information about holidays for disabled people both families with children and older people - they have a link to a list of places which can offer specialist respite care with accommodations for a large number of disabilities including ADHD and Autistic Spectrum Disorders. They also have a details of many other holiday organisations and information for equipment and special needs. There is also a page for Holidays for families with a disabled child - Holidays arranged by voluntary and commercial organisations. Holiday accommodation with a key to which disability they have special facilities for at each venue.

Some of the information is for charitable organisations who can help toward holidays and also to commercial venues or hotels who cater for specific conditions click here

Very helpful in finding accommodation where a child with behavioural difficulties will be welcome.

Kids Out

Providing fun and Happiness for Disadvantaged children. The criteria for applying for a grant aid from Kids Out are providing fun and happiness for disadvantaged children up to the age of 18. This can be a holiday, to pay for carers, respite care, play equipment or fun days out etc.

For further information please contact

Kids Out, 14 Church Square Leighton Buzzard, Beds LU7 1AE
Telephone: 01525 385252
Email kidsout@kidsout.org.uk
Web site http://www.kidsout.org.uk/

THE BRITISH RED CROSS SOCIETY

All branches of the British Red Cross Society are interested in holidays for people with disabilities. They can assist holiday plans in several ways - by organising holidays themselves, by accompanying individuals or groups on holidays arranged by other people and by providing members for nursing and welfare duties on holidays. Further details can be obtained by contacting your local branch.

THE DISABLED HOLIDAY DIRECTORY

The Disabled Holiday Directory targets the disabled client looking for holidays. The website has a regular "opt-in" email newsletter. For those without access to a computer, all they have to do is pick up the phone and Sian will help them by talking to them and then printing off the most suitable properties for their own individual needs from the website.

Disabled Holiday Services Ltd, Premier House, Manchester Road, Mossley, LANCS, OL5 9AA
Tel: 01457 837578
Email: enquiries@disabledholidaydirectory.co.uk
Website: http://www.disabledholidaydirectory.co.uk/

HOLIDAY CARE

Provides information on holidays for people with special needs. They have a respite care database for the UK and provide information packs on holidays in the UK and abroad.

Holiday Care, 2nd Floor, Imperial Buildings, Victoria Road, Horley, Surrey, RH6 7PZ
Tel: 01293 774535; fax: 01293 784647; Minicom: 01293-776943

RADAR (Royal Association for Disability & Rehabilitation)

Compiles the regularly updated "Holidays in Britain and Ireland a guide for disabled people". Also produces fact sheets on leisure activities one on sport and outdoor activities and the other on arts and crafts.

RADAR, 12 City Forum, 250 City Road, London, EC1V 8AF
Tel: 020 7250 3222; fax: 020 7250 0212
Email: radar@radar.org.uk
Website: http://www.radar.org.uk/

DR GARRETT MEMORIAL TRUST

Provides holidays for children and adults from the City of Manchester who are in need of a holiday because of 'sickness, disability or poverty. Grants can also be made to fund holiday groups. Applications have to be made via a professional (e.g. social worker or health visitor) who knows the family well. There is a long waiting list.

Anne Hosker, Gaddum Centre, Gaddum House, 6 Great Jackson Street, Manchester, M15 4AX
Tel: 0161 834 0348

THE LORD MAYOR OF MANCHESTER CHARITY APPEAL TRUST

Provides holidays for Manchester families who have not had much opportunity for a holiday together. Applications have to be made via a professional (e.g. social worker or health visitor) who knows the family well. There is a long waiting list.

Anne Hosker, Gaddum Centre, Gaddum House, 6 Great Jackson Street, Manchester, M15 4AX
Tel: 0161 834 0348




FAMILY HOLIDAY ASSOCIATION

Provides grants for low-income families under pressure to enable them to have a one-week break together. Accepts applications from Social Workers and similar professionals only. Applications must reach the organisation by the end of October before the following summer. Funds are generally exhausted by December.

Family Holiday Association, 16 Mortimer Street, London, WIT 3JL
Tel: 020 7436 3304

HANDICAPPED AID TRUST

HAT exists to provide help towards the holiday costs of helpers for people with severe disabilities. Support is only available where such costs cannot be met by the helper - or from any other source - and where the person would be unable to go on holiday without a carer. Minimum age of applicants is 17 years old. Funds are limited and applications can only be received from individuals with disabilities or from groups who plan to take a holiday but cannot afford to pay their helpers expenses.

The Hon Secretary, HAT, 15 Church Road, Lytham, Lancashire, FY8 3QJ
Tel/fax: 01253 796441

NORFOLK AUTISTIC SOCIETY

The Norfolk Autistic Society offers an annual grant of £50 towards holiday expenses to their members. The Norfolk Autistic Society Trust Fund is also prepared to consider applications for a grant towards holiday expenses. This is available to anyone over the age of 16, with autism, in the county of Norfolk.

Maureen Leveton, Norfolk Autistic Society, Charing Cross Centre, 17 - 19 St. John Maddermarket, Norwich, NR2 1DN
Tel: 01603 631171

Children's Country Holiday Fund

Help for disadvantaged children not over the age of 14 years living in London in need towards the cost of a holiday

42-43 Lower Marsh, London SE1 7RG
Telephone 020 7928 6522.

Pearson's Holiday Fund

Supplies funds for disadvantaged children from 4 - 16 years of age for holidays in the UK only. Applications should be made through a social worker, doctor, health visitor or teacher

PO Box 3017, South Croydon CR2 9PN
Telephone. (020) 8657 3053.

The Disabled Children's Foundation

Provide money for a holiday, which would give a disabled youngster an opportunity to meet the challenge of being away from home.
The Disabled Children's Foundation, The appeals office, Po box 57, Otley, Leeds
Telephone 01274 616766

Organisations and Trusts that can financially help with a holiday or short break for children with special needs

Break

Break is a registered charity that provides help for children, adults and families with special needs - such as challenging behaviour or physical and learning disabilities. The help that Break can offer includes respite care, specialist childcare and UK holidays in Norfolk and the West Country. While our guests enjoy a seaside holiday those who regularly care for them can have a much-needed break. Break also provides a wide range of services - homes for children, family assessments and day care. For further information please contact

Break, Davison House,1 Montague Road, Sheringham, Norfolk NR26 8WN.
Telephone 01263 822161.
Email: Office@break-charity.org
Website: http://www.break-charity.org/

3H FUND (Help the Handicapped Holiday 3H Fund)

organises group holidays for physically disabled children and adults staffed by volunteer nurses and helpers. Each holiday gives disabled Each holiday gives disabled people a chance to build self-confidence and develop greater independence - at the same time devoted family carers have the opportunity to relax with the knowledge that their loved ones are being carefully looked after at all times. This respite can be vital in allowing a carer to rebuild his or her energy for the year ahead. Venues for 2003 include Majorca, Hemsby Norfolk, Norfolk Broads, Southdowns, and an activity holiday in the Lake District and the Isle of Wight. For further information please contact the

3H Fund, 147 A Camden Road, Tunbridge wells, Kent, TN1 2RA
Email info@3hfund.org.uk
Website http://www.3hfund.org.uk/




Katie Foxtons Holidays for Sick Children

A charity offering subsidised holidays for families with a sick child. At present these are at a mobile home at Butlins Skegness. Seashore Holiday Park, Great Yarmouth; Littlesea, Weymouth; and Devon's Cliffs Holiday Park, Exmouth. The sites have a wide range of activities and services including a doctor's surgery. The caravans have a ramp at the entrance but no other adaptations for disabled people. For further information please contact

Katie Foxtons Holidays for Sick Children, 10 Ferness Close, Hinckley Leicestershire LE10 0SF
Telephone 01455 440112.

Kids Out

Providing fun and Happiness for Disadvantaged children. The criteria for applying for a grant aid from Kids Out are providing fun and happiness for disadvantaged children up to the age of 18. This can be a holiday, to pay for carers, respite care, play equipment or fun days out etc. For further information please contact

Kids Out, 28 Market Square, Leighton Buzzard, Beds LU7 IHE
Telephone the Help line on 01525 385232
Email john.garner@kidsout.freeserve.co.uk
Web site http://www.kidsout.org.uk/

Royal British Legion

Funds holidays for severely disabled people, and also run convalescent homes for those who do not require nursing care. Applicants do not have to be members of the Royal British Legion, but should have served a minimum of seven days in the services or be a widow, widower or spouse of an ex-service person. Applications for assistance must be made to the service committee of the nearest Royal British Legion branch. For further ifn4omation please contact the

Royal British Legion, 48 Pall Mall, London SW1Y 5JY
Telephone 020 7973 7200
Web site http://www.britishlegion.org.uk/

Scout Holiday Homes Trust

Offers low cost self-catering holidays in six-berth chalets and caravans at a number of resorts. Any family with a disabled member welcome - not only those in scouting. Ramps and entrances giving wheelchair access make units suitable for most disabled visitors, and the Trust will be pleased to answer queries regarding individual needs. The season is generally from Easter to October. Brochure is available. For further information please contact

Scout Holiday Homes Trust, Baden-Powell House, Queen's Gate, London SW7 5JS
Telephone 020 7590 5152
Web site: www.scoutbase.org.uk/hq-info/holhomes/index.htm

Second Space

Second space is a new charity aimed at providing parents of severely disabled children, and children with a life limiting conditions and children with special needs, with a weeks break. These breaks will take place in wonderful second homes donated by the owners to the charity for one week in every year, the home will be offered for free. Our aims are two fold as in those cases where alternative care for your special; needs child is available for the period of the holiday, the idea is to offer the parents a Complete break form their caring role and where there are other children, to enjoy a complete break form their caring role and where there are other children, to enjoy some stress -free time with them. If however you are unable to arrange respite care for your second space will consider offering the whole family a holiday where possible. It is worth bearing in mind however that being second homes they are unfortunately not equipped with any special facilities that many families might need. We are encouraging people to contact us directly so that we might send them a form to fill in and return to us. For further information please contact

Email Amanda_sidwell@yahoo.co.uk
Telephone 0207 792 9043 on a Monday or Friday

Voluntary Service Aberdeen, Holiday Fund & Caravan Holidays

With four caravans, one of which is specially adapted for the disabled, much needed breaks are available from April to September for people who would otherwise never be able to afford a holiday. The Holiday Fund can also make grants to families on low incomes to help with the costs of a short break. For further information please contact

Voluntary Service Aberdeen, 38 Castle Street, Aberdeen, AB11 5YU
Telephone 01224 212021
Web site http://www.vsa.org.uk/

Disabled Living

Organises a programme of group holidays in Britain and abroad for physically disabled and able-bodied people of all ages. Voluntary helpers accompany groups.

Redbank House, 4 St Chad's Street, Cheetham,

National Holiday Fund for Sick and Disabled Children

Suite 1, Princess House, 1-2 Princess Parade, New Road, Dagenham RM10 9LS
Tel: 020 8595 9624
Web: http://www.nhfcharity.co.uk/

Provides holidays to Florida for chronically or terminally ill children, and temporarily or permanently physically disabled children, aged 8 - 18 years. Does not provide grants.

Winged Fellowship Trust

Angel House, 20-32 Pentonville Road, London N1 9XD
Tel: 020 7833 2594
Web: http://www.wft.org.uk/

Provides respite for carers and holidays for people with physical disabilities.




TRAVELLING BY RAIL

There is a Disabled Persons Railcard which is valid for 12 twelve months. It entitles the holder to discounts of up to a third on a range of tickets and if an adult is accompanying the railcard holder they too can travel at the same discounted fare. There is a list of who would qualify, which includes anyone receiving DLA higher rate for help with getting around or in the higher/middle rates for help with personal care. Anyone interested can ring National Rail Enquiries on the number below. There is also a booklet called Rail Travel for Disabled Passengers, which is available from stations. Anyone who needs help whilst travelling should contact the rail company they are travelling with. National Rail Enquiries can give contact details of these.

National Rail Enquiries, Tel: 0845 7484950

Play and leisure

All children, including disabled children, have the right to play, have fun and take part in recreational activities. This is important as play has a very important role in a child's development. Play can help develop speech, sensory skills, imagination, independence and social skills. Toys and play can be fun as well as educational and therapeutic. It is crucial that all children, whatever their abilities are given the opportunity to play and access leisure facilities. For further advice and information on suitable toys you can speak to a paediatric occupational therapist. Through activity and play the paediatric occupational therapist works with children to help them attain the highest possible quality of life. The paediatric occupational therapist can work in a variety of settings including the NHS, social services, educational or charitable organisations.

There may also be a local play scheme or parent support group in your area where toys and ideas can be exchanged. Contact the help line for local information.

There are a number of commercial outlets and specialist suppliers. Some of these are listed under 'Commercial Suppliers.' Because there are so many it is important for parents to get the right advice to ensure they get value for money. The following organisations can provide further specialist information:

National Association of Toy & Leisure Libraries, 68 Churchway, London NW1 1LT
Tel: 020 7387 9592
E-mail: admin@natll.ukf.net
Web: http://www.natll.org.uk/
For details of any local toy and leisure libraries in your area.

Kidsactive (HAPA), Pryor's Bank, Bishop's Park, London SW6 3LA
Tel: 020 7731 1435 Information Line Tel: 020 7736 4443
E-mail: ntis@kidsactive.org.uk
Website: http://www.kidsactive.org.uk/
Offers a National Information Service on all aspects of play.

Action for Leisure

PO Box 9, West Molesley KT8 1WT
Tel: 020 8783 0173
Web: http://www.actionforleisure.org.uk/
Provides information on play, leisure and recreation for children, young people and adults with disabilities throughout the nation.

Listening Books
12 Lant Street, London SE1 1QH
Tel: 020 7407 9417
Email: info@listening-books.org.uk
Web: http://www.listening-books.org.uk/
Provides an audio book library for anyone who has difficulty reading.

Play and Leisure

KIDSACTIVE (Formerly HAPA)

Kidsactive is the leading national voice for the policy and practice of inclusive play. This is undertaken by providing services on its 6 playgrounds in London, and by promoting inclusive play through publications, training and consultancy nationwide.

Central Office, Pryors Bank, Bishops Park, London, SW6 3LA
Tel: 020 7736 4443 - Fax: 020 7731 4426
Email: office@kidsactive.org.uk




THE RIDING FOR THE DISABLED ASSOCIATION

The aim of the RDA is to provide disabled people with the opportunity to ride and/or to carriage drive to benefit their health and well being. The RDA has many groups throughout the country some of which have special experience in teaching children with autism to ride. Each county or region has a representative who can give you details of Groups in your area. Although it does organise some holidays, these are for members only.

RDA, Avenue R, National Agricultural Centre, Kenilworth, Warwickshire, CV8 2LY
Tel: 024 7669 6510 - Fax: 024 7669 6532
Email: rdahq@riding-for-disabled.org.uk
Website: http://www.riding-for-disabled.org.uk/

MENCAP - (The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children & Adults)

Mencaps Gateway clubs help people with a learning disability take part in a range of leisure, social and creative activities that provide great opportunities for personal development. There are more than 600 clubs, projects and Gateway Award Groups in England. Mencap also has information on holidays for people with disabilities.
MENCAP - Tel: 0808 808 1111
Website: http://www.mencap.org.uk/

Wish Granters

Children's Wish Foundation

Grants wishes to children with life threatening illnesses.
Loom Lodge, 24 Loom Lane, Radlett, Herts, WD7 8AD
Telephone: 01923 855586

Dial a Dream

Fulfils the dreams and aspirations of children aged 3 to 18 who are suffering from life threatening and seriously debilitating illnesses; specialises in the unusual.

7 Addison Road, Wanstead, London E11 2RG
Telephone: 0181 530 5589

Dreams Come True

A nationwide charity whose aim is to lift the spirits of seriously and terminally ill children, by enabling them to fulfil their most treasured dreams, which can be as varied as a child's imagination. Helps children form the age ranges 2-21 inclusive.

York House, Knockhundred Row,Midhurs, West Sussex GU29 9DQ
Telephone: 01730 815000

Make a wish foundation UK

Offers children between the ages of 3to 18 who have a life threatening illness a special wish. For further information contact:

Make-A-Wish Foundation UK, 329-331 London Road, Camberley, GU15 3HQ
Telephone: 01276 24127
Website: http://www.make-a-wish.org.uk/

Starlight Foundation

Offers children between the ages of 4 to 18 who have a life threatening illness a special wish.
Starlight Foundation, 11-15 Emerald Street, London WC1N 3QL
Telephone: 020 7430 1642
Website: http://www.starlight.org.uk/

When You Wish Upon A Star

Realises the dreams and wishes of children suffering from life-threatening diseases or who require long spells in hospital.

Futurist House, Valley Rd, Basford, Nottingham NG5 1JE
Telephone: 0115 979 1720

Happy Days Children's Charity

Byron House, 43 Cardiff Road, Luton LU1 1PP
Tel. (01582) 755999
Web: http://www.happydayscharity.org/

Provides special holidays and days out for children aged 3-17 years who suffer from severe illnesses and disabilities, or who have extenuating circumstances.


 


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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 7). Financial Aid for ADHD Children and Families, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/financial-aid-for-adhd-children-and-families-in-uk

Last Updated: February 12, 2016