Narcissist and Women - Excerpts Part 26
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 26
- Do not be Afraid
- The Information Addict
- To Live and to Grieve
- Anticipatory Panic
- My Warden
- Love, this Bastard
- Going to Therapy
- Official Psychology and NPD
- Loving Narcissism
I was 19 when I first masturbated and 25 when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman.
Mostly, I abstain, but every few years, I have bursts of sexual activity which last 1-3 months and are followed by years of abstinence or very infrequent sexual activity.
This is true even when I have plenty of Narcissistic Supply and when I am actively courted by women (for instance, when I am rich, or famous, or powerful, and look relatively good).
It is not that I don't want to have sex. I want to very much. I am unusually sensual and sensuous. I have the most delicious imagination.
But it is all mixed with murderous rage towards women. You cannot begin to fathom the depths of hatred and disdain, the contempt I feel towards these mermaids: half predators, half parasites.
My only consolation is the ease with which I can tease and then subjugate and then frustrate and then humiliate them. It is such a sweet revenge, such gratification that it often outweighs the pleasure of sex itself.
I am not a physical type, so I will never harm a woman physically. But, wherever possible to inflict pain and to drive a woman to the limits of her sanity - I do a good job of it.
I never stalk or threaten or do anything to impose myself.
I don't need to.
Women get addicted to me effortlessly.
All I need to do is to be my maddeningly frustrating and inaccessible self.
And the self-destructive mechanisms of the woman do the rest.
Do not be afraid of your former husband. The only way not to be harmed by a narcissist is not to interact with one. AT ALL.
Narcissist sense your weaknesses and attack them viciously and rapaciously.
They are dangerous predators. One does not compromise with a tiger or accommodates a snake.
Moreover, narcissists understand ONLY the dual language of fear and hate, of threat and bait. Disengage, be firm, threaten him (within the law).
I hate sleep.
For an information addict, sleep (or sex, or food, or any other bodily function, or any social function) is a torture.
Yet, lately, I oversleep (up to 11 hours in every 24).
It makes me rageful, resentful and misanthropic.
I decided to implement a strict regime of waking up and getting up.
My body is starting to betray me. It is utterly dilapidated, no musculature, no tonus. It is rhythm-less.
The flabby memory of excesses.
I feel certain that I have only a limited time left to say and do what I have to say and do.
In typical narcissistic fashion, I don't know what it is that I have to say or do (that is of such importance).
But my magical thinking assures me that the time will come and I will know.
And my omnipotence tells me that I am capable of saying and doing everything.
I feel deprived that I cannot have sex. I realize that it is - to use legal parlance - an unusual punishment, especially for someone so wildly sensual as I am.
We often attribute other people's aggression to ourselves.
This way we do not feel threatened.
We often release frustration through aggression.
This way we feel threatening.
But very often we feel threatened when we feel threatening.
And so often other people's aggression is so frustrating ...
With me, it is a vicious circle. To live, I must first grieve. To grieve is to put life on hold. This enrages me. My rage causes losses. My losses lead to grieving and to further rage. In this mayhem, life is completely forgotten.
In my case, this is because I was treated as an instrument. Machines are repetitive and "insane" in that they go nowhere (they "import" their "personality" from the user - think about the inane term "user friendly").
Maybe I am falsely consoling myself but I keep telling myself that I have MY ride which no one shares or can share. As to the banquet - I have been there, I have done that. It's fake.
I think you enter relationships (the ones I witnessed) with the wish to give more than to receive. This is imbalanced and leads to emptiness. I wish you could think more about you and less about all those who need you and use you and finally (some of them) abuse you. A hefty dose of self-interest would have helped here (NOT narcissism - which is OTHER orientated - but SELF INTEREST which is the result of self love).
It is one of the main traits of the narcissist that he instills his rage in his victims and it is manifested as anticipatory panic.
As for me, I know that I am my worst warden.
This was my big discovery in jail (of all places):
That I have the keys (the keys that matter) to my self-constructed cell.
That I create my burdens.
And that only I can imprison myself as my SELF is in my head and to there no one has total access - nor should anyone have.
Once these lessons are REALLY and FULLY assimilated, there are very few emotional upheavals afterwards.
I give no one the power to be my judge, I pick the jury, and I even then decide whether to accept their verdict or not.
Never hand to others the power to tell you what you are or what you should be.
Love, this bastard of the twin monsters of fear of abandonment and neediness, is of no import to me.
I proclaimed its pathology long before it came to be in vogue to do so.
It is an addiction which is requited only by the ficklest of substances - the mind of another human being.
It is an affliction of reason, an emotional rash, the pretext for narcissistic reproduction.
It is vain and blind and ugly in its partiality.
I hate religion and there is none more superstitious, no god more cruel, no commandment more onerous, no scriptures more inane than love.
It is a relationship of one exploited and its master.
There is no equality between the junkie and his syringe.
Love is the continuation of hate and fear, the emotions provoked by our parents, by other means.
It is to look for omnipotence through impotence.
I much prefer hate and fear.
They are as potent as love, yet so ever more purposeful, crystalline and honest.
There is no hypocrisy in terror, nor is there pretence in hatred.
In them, we seek the ruin of our tormentors, thus to obliterate our addiction.
We seek to be freed from the shackles of dependence.
You ask me what would have been my choice if I could live one day as someone else - to be a Hitler or a Mother Theresa. The choice is easy. I always prefer the true (however evil) over the fake (however "unselfish").
You write to me that never having experienced love, I am hardly in the position to pass judgement.
This, needless to say, is a fallacy. My position is privileged in that, indeed, I was never infected.
Immune to it, I can observe with perfect factual objectivity, the basis to my utterly subjective views.
But I am subjective - not prejudiced, there is a big difference between the two.
You grieve over my "loss". You compliment me: I am attractive and intelligent and powerful and famous (wherever I live, that is). You cannot understand how I deny myself the joys of love and sex.
And I cannot understand how you deny yourself the joys of the intellect which are far superior to the obsessive and farcical exploration of orifices that is human sex. I cannot fathom how you are so irrational as to believe in the possibility of communication between minds - a philosophical impossibility, Wittgenstein notwithstanding. And if minds cannot communicate, how could psyches?
What is the currency of emotions? The legal tender of pain? It is with ourselves that we communicate, mistaking echoes for replies and our own reflections for others'.
Yes, you are right, I do live in a concentration camp. And so do you. Only you deny it.
There is no way to convince anyone to go to therapy - nor is there a point in doing so.
The decision to seek help must be the result of insight (often brought on by crisis and ego dystony, of "feeling bad"). It must be the eruption of the will to live FULLY.
You cannot provoke it in anyone and it is not a function of how much you love someone, devote and dedicate yourself to him.
Official psychology (whatever that is) claims that the prognosis of NPD is poor but that psychodynamic talk therapies (=psychoanalysis mainly) can be of help.
I think that narcissists (especially what I call "cerebral narcissists" of which I am one) should be treated with a cocktail of supportive therapy and CBT/DBT.
It looks as though it is not your wife that you love - but her narcissism.
The excitement, the unpredictability, the capriciousness, the torment, the agony - she is a sole and exquisite provider of all these.
You need not worry, she will never leave you for long.
Narcissists are sadists and inverted narcissists are both rare and the perfect match.
Concentrate on your problems and on your healing - NOT because you are "sicker" or "sick", but because this is your only way out.
Ignore her problems - she is as much your instrument as you are hers.
She is irrelevant, a symbol of your own imperfections.
Your wife does display traits borrowed from a few personality disorders (mainly the histrionic but also the narcissistic and the borderline).
Your behaviour is typical of a co-dependent and inverted narcissism (or "covert narcissism") is, indeed, a type of co-dependence.
You are compatible, in that you satisfy each other's psychological needs.
It would seem that this IS what you enjoy: the thrill, the fear, the pain, the dissolution.
Otherwise, why haven't you stayed with the other woman?
You are attracted precisely to your wife's ability to mimic a capricious, omnipotent, unpredictable, and arbitrarily sadistic parent.
I am NOT saying that you don't crave compassion and affection. I AM saying that you find a woman who offers you ONLY compassion and affection, understanding and kindness - unbearably boring. You need the drama, the excitement, the punishment, the adrenaline of a rocky relationship.
Writer, H. (2008, December 11). Narcissist and Women - Excerpts Part 26, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-26