I realize now that I need to accept a lack of control in my eating disorder recovery. My battle with anorexia was never just about caloric restriction or exercise compulsion. Those behaviors were surface-level indicators of a more complex issue underneath. The main fear that drove my illness had nothing to do with food itself—on the contrary, I longed for nourishment and sustenance. My source of terror was a loss of control.

When life seemed too chaotic to manage or even make sense of, I found solace (however fleeting) in at least being able to dominate myself. But I have a much different outlook now. As I continue on this healing journey, it becomes increasingly obvious to me that eating disorder recovery means accepting when I lack control.  

Why Accepting When I Lack Control Matters in Eating Disorder Recovery

When I was a patient in residential treatment about 15 years ago, I learned a mantra from my therapist, which is commonly known as The Serenity Prayer:

"Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change whatever I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

With another holiday season on the horizon, I find myself returning to those simple but poignant words. The Serenity Prayer reassures me that, although I lack control over some of the interactions and situations I might encounter this time of year, the circumstances are not untenable.

For instance, I cannot guarantee whether my relatives will discuss calories at the dinner table or complain about all the "holiday pounds" they're afraid to gain. But I can control how I will respond if those conversations occur. I dictate my own thoughts and actions. I can allow someone else's comments to influence my behavior, or I can walk away from the discussion to protect my mental health. I can use the environment around me to justify harmful choices, or I can stand firm in my commitment to nurture healing and wholeness.    

My interpretation of eating disorder recovery means accepting when I lack control, and this has freed me to focus on what is mine to either carry or release. I am responsible for the decisions I make—how I treat others, how I care for myself, how I spend my time, how I show up for what I believe in, and how I move through this world. Not much else falls under my personal jurisdiction, but I am learning to accept that life is messy and often uncontrollable. 

How I Practice Accepting When I Lack Control in Eating Disorder Recovery

This video is restricted to those over 18 by YouTube policy because it has content related to eating disorders.

Does accepting a lack of control resonate with your own experience in eating disorder recovery? How do you practice this level of acceptance, both in the holiday season and the normal rhythms of life? Please share your insights in the comment section below.

Facing verbal abuse is an awful situation to be in, regardless of your age or the circumstances. Often, if someone is dealing with verbal abuse, they don't have the strength or confidence to stand up for themselves. This situation can allow the abuse to continue and worsen over time. However, some people can face abusers and call them out on their behavior when they aren't the victim of the situation. Why is it easier for some people to stand up against others facing verbal abuse? 

Helping Others Facing Verbal Abuse

I've been in multiple situations when there was verbal abuse between people that didn't directly impact me. I immediately resonated with these instances since I have my own experiences with verbal abuse. I know how difficult it is to stand up against an abuser. 

I've realized through the years that I am more prone to speaking up for someone else facing verbal abuse than for myself. I attribute my actions to these points: 

• I understand how damaging verbal abuse is.
• I empathize with how awful it feels to be the target of verbal abuse.
• I don't think anyone should be verbally abused.
• I wouldn't use verbal abuse as a tactic on someone.
• Sometimes, victims of verbal abuse don't know how to defend themselves against verbal abuse.

Because I've been the target of verbal abuse, I know how challenging it can be to break free. I've been in a place where I felt hopeless, and I had no plan on how to move away from verbal abuse. In those dark times, I wanted someone to help me, stand up for my rights, and care about me. 

Learning to Help Myself When Facing Verbal Abuse

As I work through therapy, I am learning how to help myself more when facing verbally abusive situations. I use these tools when I can, although sometimes I still retreat and take time to collect my thoughts before acting. Although it seems easier for me to defend someone else against verbal abuse, I am slowly getting my confidence back. 

I am just as worthy of healthy relationships as anyone else. I deserve to have interactions that don't include verbal abuse. I need to remember that I am as important as others and shouldn't be subjected to verbal abuse. 

If you speak up for others when they face verbal abuse, thank you. Helping bring awareness to this damaging behavior will give those individuals being mistreated a voice when they can't stand up for themselves. But it's also critical to remember that you are just as important as anyone else regarding verbal abuse. It can be challenging, but find the strength to advocate for yourself. Then, you can begin to move away from the hurtful situation. 

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about identity labels. More specifically, I've been thinking about whether identity labels help or hurt us. In today's post, I will look at the ways that identity labels support us and, at times, the ways they might hinder us.

Identity is an important topic, and we can use labels to describe it in terms of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, relationship style, and more. Today, I will mostly focus on sexual orientation and gender labels, although my words can apply to a variety of identity labels. 

3 Ways Identity Labels Can Help Us

For starters, I will look at three ways identity labels can help us.

1. Having a label can help us better understand ourselves. At a basic level, utilizing identity labels like bisexual, lesbian, heterosexual, pansexual, etc., can help us to understand ourselves better. Especially if we're new to discovering aspects of our queerness and identity, like being gay or transgender, it can feel really exciting to utilize a new label, which leads me to my next point. On a very practical level, having an identity label can help us with things like dating because we better know who we are and what we want and need with our partner(s). 
2. Having a label can give us a sense of pride. Realizing that you identify with a particular label can be so exciting, as I said above. It also opens the door to being a part of a new community (which I'll talk about in my next point). I experience a lot of pride in identifying with the label of transgender. It makes me feel a sense of pride about who I am and also the broader community I am a part of. 
3. Having a label can give us a sense of community. Once you have an identity label, this opens the door to finding other people who identify similarly. There are tons of events out there intended for people of specific identities, like transgender, lesbian, gay, etc. For me, I have found a lot of community with other transgender folks. I have struggled more to find community with other bisexual folks, as we are a more marginalized identity, but I still get a lot out of it when I find other people who identify similarly to me. 

Can Identity Labels Hurt Us?

Part of why I made this post is that I've started to feel held back by my identity labels as of late. My understanding of my gender and sexuality has begun to shift, and the labels I've long identified with just don't feel as relevant. I've felt more boxed in by identity labels than supported by them. In the video below, I share the flip side of identity labels and the ways these labels can hinder us. 

Identity Labels Can Help and Hurt

To wrap up, I'll share a personal example of how my identity labels are shifting over time. I've felt attached to the sexuality label "bisexual," but over time, I've realized I'm just not that attracted to men anymore, and this label hasn't been fitting for me. I was attracted to men for a really long time, so it's confusing, but I mostly prefer women at this stage of my life. It's felt a bit scary to let go of the bisexual label, as I've been a fierce advocate for bisexual visibility.

Now, I'm leaning into what it means to start letting go of the label bisexual and possibly identify with labels that mostly acknowledge my attraction to women. As I've written about in other posts here, I like the label "lesbian" when I'm in my feminine self. When I'm more in my masculine gender identity, I've been toying around with the label "heteroflexible," meaning mostly heterosexual with some flexibility. Mostly, though, I'm trying not to get too caught up in new labels and just to go where my attractions lead me. While identity labels can be helpful, they are ultimately not the be-all and end-all of identity, and they do not define everything about who we are. Well, at least for me, they don't. 

I deal with schizophrenia anxiety around COVID-19. The pandemic hit me especially hard. I still haven't recovered my former level of social activities, and much of my time is spent indoors and alone -- isolated. I still wear masks in the grocery store and don't dine indoors in restaurants (I live in a warm climate). When most of the world went on with their lives and returned to normal, my paranoia and anxiety kept me stuck in a loop of fear, worry, concern, and the possibility of adverse outcomes. Even though we took many precautions against contracting the virus, my husband returned to work over a year ago, and last week, he started having symptoms. Two days later, I did, too. After a few days, we both tested positive for COVID-19. 

I had lived with so much anxiety around getting the virus. I was worried that both my husband and I would have severe cases because of underlying health issues. I worried about this more for my husband than myself. I was terrified that COVID-19 would put him in the hospital or worse. Living with that level of fear and anxiety for almost four years took a toll on my mental health and my way of life.

Schizophrenia Anxiety Around COVID-19 Held Me Hostage

Before the pandemic, I used to go to brunch regularly with friends. I attended in-person classes, non-profit fundraisers, and other events. All of that stopped during the height of COVID and in the months and years that followed. For me, the symptoms of schizophrenia and my anxiety disorder were exasperated by the fear of me or a loved one becoming ill. 

We are over a week into the illness, and we are still both experiencing symptoms, but I would guess that our cases were moderate and not severe. We didn't end up at the hospital, which I'm grateful for. I still can't taste or smell my food, and my husband still has a heavy head and exhaustion, but hopefully, we will both make a complete recovery. My paranoia and anxiety work together to make me fear long COVID. Fearing long COVID is the last of my paranoia and anxiety around the illness, though.

Life After a COVID Infection and My Schizophrenia Anxiety

Now that we have had the virus, I feel more likely to start returning slowly to my pre-pandemic life. I know it will have to be a slow process because I don't want to overwhelm myself by immediately jumping in with a busy social calendar. I'm ready to go back to church in person and start meeting friends for brunch and other dates. 

Many people thought I was ridiculous for living so long with many restrictions and precautions. People often made comments in the grocery store about my wearing a mask. I can't help the fact that I have two diagnoses that can make me respond to things differently than others. Although I'm excited to start returning to visiting friends and family, I'm not ashamed of how I handled the pandemic and the years since. Like everyone else, I did the best I could, and although that looked different than many other people, it made me feel safer. And if people want to judge me for that, I am confident enough to handle that. 

In the following video, I encourage people to be gentle with themselves if they, too, are experiencing schizophrenia anxiety around a COVID-19 infection.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and relationships can pose some unique challenges. The constant fear of rejection looms around every corner, making it difficult to fully embrace the positive moments that relationships bring. Even when surrounded by love and support, the fear of impending abandonment can act as a barrier, preventing the full enjoyment of the positive aspects of a relationship. This struggle underscores the complexity of managing BPD within the context of interpersonal connections.

With BPD and relationships, my tendency to anticipate rejection creates a perpetual cycle of emotional turbulence. The fear of abandonment can become a constant companion, influencing thoughts and behaviors. It's as if there's an internal belief that the closer I get to someone, the higher the risk of setting myself up for failure or inevitable abandonment.

Vulnerability and Connection for BPD and Relationships

In BPD and relationships, unraveling the intricacies has been nothing short of essential for me and my partners. The key is open communication, a sacred tool in dismantling the fortress posed by the fear of rejection. Bearing my soul, tainted at times by the fingerprints of BPD, becomes the bridge to understanding and empathy, weaving a cocoon of support.

Summoning the courage to communicate my emotions has become a rite of passage in the quest for thriving relationships. Yet it's a precarious tightrope walk; discerning what's worth unveiling and what's better kept veiled is tricky. The delicate dance of baring one's soul has proven both a challenge and an art, a high-stakes gamble where vulnerability meets the uncertainty of what to disclose and what to cradle close.

Emotional Resilience in BPD and Relationships

Therapeutic interventions, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), have provided me with valuable tools for managing the emotional intensity that often accompanies BPD. Learning to regulate emotions, challenge negative thought patterns, and build healthier coping mechanisms empowered me to navigate relationships more effectively.

Recognizing the impact of BPD on perceptions and reactions allows for a more conscious and intentional approach to relationships. It's essential to distinguish between genuine concerns and fears rooted in BPD, fostering a more balanced perspective on the dynamics of connection.

Borderline personality disorder and relationships require a multifaceted approach. Watch my video for communication insights during triggers. I talk about how to foster connection through open dialogue and self-awareness. It is possible to break free from the constraints of BPD and cultivate meaningful, fulfilling relationships.

As my time writing for HealthyPlace ends, it presents the perfect opportunity to reflect on the past 12 months and prepare for what lies ahead. Before I leave, I would like to share what I have learned about myself while writing this blog and how it has reinforced my motivation to keep moving forward.

Spending a Year with HealthyPlace

Last year, when I approached HealthyPlace about a blogging position, all I knew was that I wanted to strengthen my writing skills while contributing something beneficial to others. Having dealt with and recovered from several mental health issues myself, I was delighted to accept a position authoring for the Living a Blissful Life blog. It provided an ideal place to begin — a space to put my experiences into words and encourage others in similar situations.

Reflecting on My Doubts and Fears

Sometimes, I found I could think of blog topics quite easily. Other times, my mind would be blank until the last minute. Self-doubt and the fear of not meeting expectations were always lurking in the back of my mind. But no matter how much I worried about having nothing to write, inspiration always came from somewhere. As a result, I became more confident with each passing month. Reflecting on my growth during this period, I can see what I have achieved and know I can do it again, dispelling self-doubt and keeping me motivated to continue moving forward.

Reflecting on My Mental Health

Putting my thoughts down in writing has also helped me understand more about my beliefs and how I caused myself needless suffering in the past. This clarification is sure to benefit my mental health in the future. At present, my mental health is excellent, and I see no reason why that should change.

Reflecting on how much my mental state has improved brings to mind a piece of advice my therapist gave me many years ago. When you catch a cold, sometimes, you get a sore throat. Sometimes, you get a runny nose. Sometimes, you get a bad cough. My mental health issues were much the same. Sometimes, I got depressed. Other times, I suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). These were just symptoms of stressful situations in my life, and I could get well again. And that's where I am today — not just feeling well, but better than ever.

Laying a Solid Foundation for the Future

Considering my achievements of 2023, I have learned to glean insights from my experiences, find inspiration in the most unlikely places, and consistently put these things into writing where they may benefit others. Looking back further and considering how far I have come since I struggled with mental health issues, I feel like an entirely new person.

Reflecting on the past in this way fills me with motivation to keep moving forward and a sense that my past accomplishments have laid a solid foundation for what lies ahead. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I wish you all the best for the future and in your endeavors to achieve exceptional health and wellness.

Sharing gambling addiction recovery stories really matters. As much as we discuss gambling and addiction, the picture that’s painted is that of hopelessness. Granted, the thrill and hope of a big win have a dangerous grip that leads people down the path of compulsive gambling, but it is the stories of hope and triumph that give people with addiction the hope they need to overcome the struggle.

Gambling Addiction Recovery Stories Reveal Truths

In theory, gambling addiction recovery is easy. When you read about it or look at what it takes to recover, it appears to be a simple process. However, the work is hidden within those steps and that process. When a gambling addict takes recovery at face value, they tend to relapse very quickly because the recovery steps aren’t as easy as they are made out to be.

It took three separate tries for me to commit to my recovery journey simply because I didn’t know anyone else who had been through this journey. I constantly felt like people around me were judging me and my recovery pace. This is why, on my third try, I joined a gambling recovery support group where we’d take turns sharing our gambling addiction recovery stories -- both good and bad.

Gambling Addiction Recovery Stories Are Unique But Helpful

Understanding that everyone is on a different journey helped a lot. While we may all be addicted to gambling, we are each our own person, which means that it takes unique approaches to get where we want to be. By sharing my gambling addiction recovery story, seeing that others had experienced similar struggles or even been through challenges I hadn’t faced myself helped me better understand recovery.

Not only did sharing my experience and listening to other people’s stories inspire hope in me, but it also helped me build a strong support group. Sharing gambling addiction recovery stories is also crucial for reducing stigma and providing practical guidance, education, and awareness, as well as showcasing the diversity of recovery paths.

Therefore, whatever stage of your recovery journey, remember that your journey is unique, but you don't walk it alone.

To learn more about the significance of sharing stories towards overcoming gambling addiction, you can watch the video below:

With verbal abuse, avoidance may be present with the abuser, the target, or both, depending on the situation. This tactic has two sides that can be helpful or harmful based on the contributing factors. Avoidance in verbal abuse is common.

Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism for Verbal Abuse

As a victim of verbal abuse, I grew up learning how to avoid conflict and minimize confrontation as much as possible. I tried not to draw attention to myself or do something that could create a disturbance within my family unit. This dynamic was the start of my people-pleasing characteristic. I was consumed with ensuring that no one was mad at me or that I wouldn't do something to upset another person. This was me using avoidance as a verbal abuse coping mechanism.

I spent many years trying to feel accepted by others and those close to me. Unfortunately, I didn't know at the time that no matter what I did, I couldn't get the approval I sought from verbal abusers. 

I carried this coping mechanism into adulthood, giving me unhealthy relationship habits to use at home, school, and work. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict became a downfall, allowing others to continuously treat me poorly. I never stood up for myself and invited others to use verbal abuse against me. 

Avoidance as a Verbal Abusive Tactic

On the other side of the coin, avoidance is a damaging verbal abuse tactic that many abusers use on others. This approach can make an individual feel unworthy, especially when someone close to them dismisses their feelings or needs. 

I recall multiple situations where someone in my life avoided my requests at home, school, or work. Even after repeated conversations, I quickly realized these individuals used avoidance tactics to dismiss my needs or feelings. This way, they could ignore me, and I would placidly retreat without incident. 

Recently, I've been in a situation where someone is avoiding me despite my efforts to be cordial and friendly. This relationship was cut short by the other person ignoring my communication requests repeatedly. To this day, I still cannot determine why this person is avoiding me and refuses to reciprocate. It's taken me a long time to accept the fact that someone who is avoiding seeing or talking to me is actually saying something very clearly. 

Facing Avoidance Without Verbal Abuse

Now, I still use avoidance when I face conflict and am unsure how to proceed. It can be helpful for me when I need to gather my composure in private. However, I also need to recognize that it shouldn't be my go-to response and can encourage others to treat me poorly. 

Changing unhealthy patterns takes time and doesn't happen overnight. Every day, I try my best to make better choices and build healthy relationships. I still make mistakes, but I am quick to realize them and try to correct my actions when I can. I don't want to be in a position where I need to avoid conflict in unhealthy ways or if someone continues to use avoidance against me.

I understand that not everyone will like or agree with me, but I am okay with that now. I know that my friends and family love and accept me for who I am rather than me continuously trying to gain their approval. I also hope that one day, you will find the support and love I found in my close circle. 

It's the holidays again, and I've found that this is a good time of year to not only say thanks but actively practice gratitude to help my anxiety. I've learned that gratitude can be a very powerful emotion and can actually help reduce stress and lessen the symptoms of anxiety that I experience.

This is, of course, something that can be practiced on a daily basis and not just on Thanksgiving. However, I've found that the Thanksgiving holiday is a great time to remind yourself of things you are grateful for and the benefits of doing so. According to some research studies, practicing gratitude has been associated with increased happiness.¹

How I Practice Gratitude to Cope with Anxiety

In my work, I talk about the benefits of reminding yourself of things you are thankful for, strategies for doing this, as well as why it is helpful. I've learned that practicing the benefits of gratitude starts with self-awareness and taking the time to reflect on how you feel when you do.

For example, I've found that visualizing things that I am grateful for, whether it is through a picture or something I've written down, can be tremendously helpful in moments of stress. For that reason, I've placed reminders strategically, in the form of pictures and phrases, in various places that I frequent. This was something I started doing in graduate school, and I noticed that when I would feel my anxiety rise, looking at those reminders would immediately help me feel better.

Another strategy I use is taking the time to practice mindfulness meditation. Because the physical symptoms of anxiety are often the most troubling for me, I pay close attention to strategies that help calm them. Mindfulness meditation is a strategy that helps to immediately calm any physical symptoms of anxiety.

Lastly, another beneficial strategy is talking about what I am grateful for, whether it is with someone I trust or through journaling. Either method allows me to instantly experience the positive emotions that are associated with being grateful. 

When I use these strategies, I also intentionally focus on the positive emotions instead of dwelling on any negative emotions I am experiencing. This takes practice, but the more I've been able to work on this, the easier it has become. 

Why Practicing Gratitude Is Helpful for Anxiety and Anxiety Disorders

In the video below, I've shared how practicing gratitude is helpful for my anxiety. If there are strategies you use, please share them in the comments below.

Source

1. Harvard Health. (2021, August 14). Giving thanks can make you happier. https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier.

Some people with bipolar seem like they're so angry. Sometimes, I'm one of those people. I don't take this feeling out on other people, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the anger intensely. Let's discuss why bipolar makes me so angry.

Bipolar Making People So Angry

Some studies show people with bipolar disorder are aggressive compared to others.¹ This isn't quite the same as angry, per se, but it can feel very similar. Some researchers also say that anger itself "is a prominent clinical feature of bipolar disorder."²

I've heard people with bipolar themselves often say they're angry and sometimes even fly into rages. Those around people with bipolar disorder confirm this is true.

Irritability is also a specific symptom of mood states like mania and hypomania. 

None of this answers why people with bipolar disorder are so angry, but it does show that they are.

Bipolar Makes Me So Angry

For me, bipolar and anger are inexorably linked. Anger, irritation, and aggression usually hit me after I've been awake for a few hours. I find myself frustrated with everything, to the point of actually growling at my computer. I live and work alone, so this isn't a problem for anyone else, but that doesn't make it comfortable for me. I find all the anger with bipolar grates against my soul. It's wrong. It's not me. And yet, it surrounds me.

Why Are People with Bipolar So Angry?

There are so many possibilities as to why people with bipolar disorder are so angry. Here are a few:

• Anger may be innate to bipolar disorder and worsened by things like substance abuse, which is common in those with bipolar.³
• Anger may be related to a comorbid condition a person has (like borderline personality disorder).
• Anger may be related to a mood state like hypomania or mania.
• Anger may be a side effect of medication. 
• A person may feel angry that they have bipolar disorder and about the effects bipolar is having on their lives.
• Depression may be manifesting as anger.

And those reasons are just off the top of my head. In short, there may be many reasons a person with bipolar disorder is so angry.

I think I'm angry for a combination of reasons. I think it's partially the medications, partially an innate trait because of bipolar, and partially because being angry just seems easier than being depressed all the time. The thing about anger is that it comes with energy that I can use to do things, as opposed to depression, which comes with a lack thereof. This makes anger useful. 

I hate that I find anger useful. I hate that I need it to get anything done.

How do you find anger in bipolar disorder?

Sources

1. Látalová, K. (2009). Bipolar disorder and aggression. International Journal of Clinical Practice, 63(6), 889–899. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1742-1241.2009.02001.x

2. Dutra, S. J., Reeves, E., Mauss, I. B., & Gruber, J. (2014). Boiling at a different degree: An investigation of trait and state anger in remitted bipolar I disorder. Journal of Affective Disorders, 168, 37–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2014.06.044

3. Preuss, U. W., Schaefer, M., Born, C., & Grunze, H. (2021). Bipolar Disorder and Comorbid Use of Illicit Substances. Medicina, 57(11). https://doi.org/10.3390/medicina57111256