A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to edit an article that caused great stress and anxiety. I agreed to do this, not knowing how complex the text would be. After a few minutes, I stressed out about why I couldn't comprehend the content. My stress soon morphed into anxiety, pounding my head with thoughts like, "I'm so stupid, and If I can't edit this piece, my friend will be disappointed." I was tempted to give up and apologize to my friend. But before I did, I remembered that my stress and anxiety didn't have to consume me. To learn more about my experience with stress and anxiety and how I have learned to deal with them, continue reading this post.

My Childhood Experience with Stress and Anxiety

I have dealt with extreme stress and anxiety for my entire life. During my childhood, I stressed out about grades, friendships, bullies, relationships, etc. I thought that if I made one mistake or said one wrong thing, everyone would think I was stupid. I thought bad things would happen, like being abused by classmates and failing my classes. My dad often reminded me that I worried about things that might not even happen.

But looking back, it was beyond worry and stress. It was anxiety that stemmed from a series of embarrassing and stressful experiences. They became so heavy that I couldn't enjoy my life or improve my self-esteem. My dad was right. I worried too much about things that didn't even exist at those moments.

My Anxiety Diagnosis Helped Me Grow from Stress

Now that I am in my 30s, more than nine years after my anxiety diagnosis, I have learned so many things about stress and anxiety. For one, I have become more mindful of when the feelings become all-consuming. It's easier to rationalize my mind by telling myself affirmations like the following:

• Mistakes make me human. They do not predict my future.
• I have succeeded at difficult tasks in the past. I can do the same now and in the future. 
• My trials give me opportunities for growth and wisdom.
• Simply making an effort to excel at stressful tasks will lead to progress.
• Everything in life is stressful sometimes, including my passions. It is better to enjoy the process than stress out about the results.

I am not saying that stressful situations must be confronted and embraced all the time. It is important to validate my feelings. When a stressful event triggers full-blown anxiety, it is often best to step away from it for a while. My anxiety sometimes needs to simmer enough for me to process it.

Taking a Break During Stressful or Anxiety-Provoking Tasks

After reading part of my friend's article, I took a break from it. To relax, I did some art and took a short walk. After returning to the article, I understood some of the content more. Even though I still couldn't edit it before my friend's due date, it was okay. She was happy that I tried. Now, I can breathe, knowing that my stress and anxiety do not define reality.

Now that you know about my perspective on stress and anxiety, I'm curious to know about your views on the struggle. Have you ever overcome a stressful or overwhelming situation? How has it impacted your life? How can you use it to your advantage in the future?

I know it can be hard to believe sometimes, but needing help with eating disorder (ED) recovery is not a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest actions you can take. Internalized fears or anxieties might whisper in your ear that asking for help means you are a failure, a burden, or a lost cause. But I hope you can trust me on this: Those inner voices aren't telling you the truth. It's okay to need help with ED recovery.

In my own experience, healing is intensive, painful, and humbling work. No one I've met (including myself) has been able to successfully pursue it alone. So, if you could use an extra boost of care, support, advice, or encouragement, don't allow fear to intimidate you from reaching out. I promise needing help with ED recovery is not a sign of weakness.

An Example to Illustrate the Bravery of Needing Help in ED Recovery

Earlier this week, a friend sent me the following text: 

"I'm having a difficult time with body image, but I feel embarrassed asking for help. I've been in recovery for three years now. I thought that I was finally past these issues. I want to be helping others, not seeking it out myself. I should know how to manage this on my own." 

I allowed her clear frustration and raw vulnerability to settle in for a couple of minutes. It struck me how, in just a few sentences, she articulated the emotions I have wrestled with countless times in my own healing process. I marveled at her honesty, then I offered a response:

"I am so sorry to hear this has been such a physical, mental, and emotional challenge for you. But needing help with ED recovery is not a sign of weakness. It doesn't cancel out all the progress you have made. It doesn't mean you will never reach the other side of this particular obstacle. All it means is you're a human being who was not built to carry the suffering alone. I admire you for reaching out. I think it shows courage, resilience, and a commitment to heal. How can I support you here in this moment? It's alright to ask for what you need."  

Here's Why Needing Help with ED Recovery Is Not a Sign of Weakness

My friend set her fears aside to request the ED recovery help she was looking for. But after our conversation drew to a close, I was left with the question: Why is needing help so often viewed as a sign of weakness? Humans are imperfect—none of us can shoulder the full weight of pain and turmoil ourselves. There's no shame in this fact, but it can be terrifying nonetheless.

The reason I continue reaching out for help with ED recovery is that, after spending most of my life in the anguish of silence and isolation, I've experienced how liberating it feels to share the load with others. Realizing when I need help (then humbling myself to seek it from someone I can trust) is the not-so-secret sauce to my hard but worthwhile healing journey.

If not for a support network of friends, therapists, mentors, and family members, I would not be able to sustain my own efforts long-term. I need accountability to buttress me through the difficulties or uncertainties ahead. So do you. So does everyone else—it’s that simple.

Gambling fixation doesn't look the same for everyone. Very quickly into my gambling escapades, I realized that each person’s journey is unique, and this is determined by their motivations, vulnerabilities, and circumstances. Looking back at my own experience, I see that I became an interplay of personality traits. Through the winning, losing, and desperation phases of my journey, my emotional struggles, personality, and attraction to the allure of gambling unlocked in me the chaser, escape artist, risk taker, denier, and isolationist. These are types of gambling fixation.

The Chaser Gambling Fixation Trait

I started my fixation on gambling as the chaser, which remained my identity throughout the winning phase. I was driven by the thrill of the win and was at such a high that I was convinced I would never lose. I believed I had unmetered luck until I didn’t, but even through the losses, I was still stuck chasing the thrill of the win. This bottomless desire led me deeper into the clutches of addiction.

The Denier Gambling Fixation Trait

When I dropped into the losing phase of gambling, I embodied a new personality trait: the denier. Despite mounting evidence of my quick descent into gambling fixation, I became adept at denying the severity of my compulsion. The denier within me constructed a shield to protect me from the stark truth of my problem gambling.

The Isolationist and Escape Artist Gambling Addiction Traits

During the desperation phase, I evolved into an isolationist, risk-taker, and escape artist. With my fixation over gambling escalating, I became more impatient and fueled to escape life and disappear into the glitzy world of casinos and the allure of possibilities. At the same time, I became increasingly isolated. To hide the extent of my gambling fixation, I distanced myself from those close to me. To forget the harsh realities and chaos I had unleashed on my life, I dug myself deeper into irresponsible gambling. Combined, these personalities became my undoing, which made my recovery journey excruciatingly difficult.

When I began reconciling the rift between my gambling compulsion and the reality I tried to escape, I kept switching between personalities to justify the need for even a little gambling. Any money in my hand would call out to the risk-taker in me, begging for the adrenaline rush of placing a bet.

My recovery journey took a lot of learning and unlearning. Understanding the type of gambler I was in each phase has been a crucial aspect of my recovery and has also helped me avoid relapses.

When many people think of verbal abuse, they picture an angry person screaming insults or spewing vicious words, but passive aggressiveness can be verbally abusive, too. Verbal abuse doesn't have to include yelling or potential threats. Sometimes, passive-aggressive verbal abuse can be just as harmful. 

Passive-Aggressive Actions that Are Verbally Abusive

While it can be simple to spot verbal abuse when it is clear, subtle comments or behaviors may be more challenging to decipher. I have experienced both blatant and passive-aggressive verbal abuse actions in my relationships.

After years of therapy, I know now that some actions I've experienced in the past are verbally abusive. A few of these examples include: 

• Being ignored or pretending I don't exist or matter
• Backhanded compliments that are insulting
• Using sarcastic remarks
• Avoiding making joint decisions
• Refusing to participate in activities with me
• Deliberately procrastinating to force me to complete tasks
• Purposely making me feel uncomfortable in public

Although these examples don't seem as hurtful as screaming insults, they can lead to many negative side effects. I've experienced low self-esteem and debilitating anxiety on many occasions due to this passive-aggressive verbal abuse.

On several occasions, I was a coach for my child's sports team. One year was exceptionally awful for me, though. Although the other coaches were not openly abusive to me, they refused to listen to my input at practice or during games.

I was ignored and later realized they only asked me to participate because I had the much-needed certifications the other coaches didn't have. Because I had enough experience with passive-aggressiveness and verbal abuse, I hid the effects from my child and other parents so no one knew. This appeasing reaction allowed the other coaches to continue this harmful behavior without any consequences. 

Passive-Aggressive Verbal Abuse Promotes Appeasement 

Openly harmful verbal abuse can ignite a fight or flight response, creating a dynamic of fear. However, passive-aggressive verbal abuse relies on an individual's appeasement. The abuser is using a passive approach to get another person to appease their wants and needs. 

Often, abusers will defend themselves, refusing to acknowledge their abusive behaviors since they aren't direct insults or anger-fueled screaming matches. They put the responsibility onto the victim so they can be absolved of any wrongdoing.

In one instance, an individual steamrolled me during a game, forcing themselves into a position of authority without collaborating with me. I was unable to complete my respected coaching duties during that time, leaving my child and the other kids in a state of confusion and anxiety.  

I didn't want to make a scene in front of the children, so I settled on appeasement to get through the game. Afterward, I chatted with the other coaches and team manager about the situation and how it could not happen again. Unfortunately, they made me feel like I was overreacting, reinforcing the passive-aggressive, verbally abusive behavior. 

It can be challenging to find your voice when facing verbal abuse, especially when it comes from passive-aggressive actions. Remember that your feelings are valid, and no one should be made to feel like they are unworthy. If you have concerns about passive-aggressive verbal abuse, you can reach out to a professional for help. Your mental health matters and should be a top priority. 

Growth milestones for borderline personality disorder (BPD) recovery have been a gratifying evolution. Tracking my progress is like observing a baby's journey from crawling to walking and talking. This perspective has softened my self-judgment about living with mental illness, as I tend to be hard on myself. Growth milestones in BPD matter.

Growth Milestone for Borderline PD Recovery: Triumph Over Splitting

I find myself splitting less frequently, able to trust that I can experience anger or hurt without retaliating against those I care about. For me, splitting is this exhausting push and pull between idealization and devaluation. My mastery of refraining from splitting isn't exactly something I can brag about at the dinner table, but honestly, I am pretty proud of myself. Those with complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and BPD get the arm wrestling struggle; a splitting episode is an intense bout. My episodes, once epic sagas lasting eons, now simmer down to a mere blip, a fleeting couple of hours to a week at the most. It's a personal triumph, and I'm quietly reveling in my evolution at the dinner table of this growth milestone in BPD.

Growth Milestone for Borderline PD Recovery: Conquering Object and Emotional Impermanence

My next growth milestone for BPD recovery is overcoming object and emotional impermanence. For me, object impermanence refers to the difficulty in maintaining a stable perception of people and things. Simply put, object impermanence is akin to an "out of sight, out of mind" sensation that creeps in when I'm not actively engaged with my loved ones. In those moments, I begin to split. The connection blurs and the warmth I associate with a loved one dissipates. Emotional impermanence, on the other hand, involves the challenge of maintaining stable emotions. I would experience intense and rapidly changing emotions, where what feels true and significant in one moment would shift dramatically in the next. You can imagine how these two symptoms would feed into each other.

Engaging in candid conversations about my experience has become my stronghold in weathering separation from partners, friends, and family. Amidst the growth milestones for BPD recovery, crafting a practical plan of action has been a game-changer. Naming and openly discussing my symptoms has fortified my ability to endure separations from loved ones. Now, I endure longer stretches without feeling severed from them. With words of affirmation, my loved ones reassure me of the importance of our connection. I've also received thoughtful tokens, such as tiny gifts and trinkets, as precious reminders of my favorite people while they are away. 

These are my markers of growth. What are your growth milestones in BPD recovery?

Learning to say no after trauma can feel like stepping on someone's toes without stopping to apologize. In other words, it can feel harsh, cruel, rude, and downright awful to set a boundary or put your needs first. Through my experience enduring childhood sexual assault, I learned that my body was not my own. This idea made saying no after trauma very difficult.

While I (thankfully) haven't run into many individuals who have abused or taken advantage of this vulnerability of mine, I still — 24 years later — recognize my hesitancy to stand up for myself in certain scenarios. Even in my healthy relationship, there are times when my partner reminds me it's okay to say no in any and all contexts. It's okay — and necessary — to prioritize your own needs and safety. 

The Importance of Learning to Say No After Trauma

Learning to say no after enduring a trauma, especially abuse of any sort, is a crucial part of healing and protecting yourself. (Re)victimization, or the recurrence of the same trauma on a particular individual, is a common outcome of childhood abuse.¹ For example, because I was sexually assaulted at the age of four, I grew up with low self-esteem and struggled to stand up for myself in similar instances. Oftentimes, when put into a high-stress situation, I dissociate. Instead of thinking clearly and rationally, I get this fuzzy feeling in my brain and go into what feels like a zombie-like trance. Sufferers of assault may be able to learn to address these wounds and say no in such situations with therapy.

How I'm Learning to Say No After Trauma

I've been on my healing journey for most of my life, but it wasn't until four years ago that I fully admitted to and confronted my assault head-on. Since then, I've been working on setting boundaries in various aspects of my life, from my career to my relationships. Each time I listen to myself and prioritize my own needs, I feel both guilt and pride. I'm choosing to focus on the latter.

Even though it's uncomfortable, learning to say no can be empowering. Additionally, it can help you find the right support system. If someone doesn't respect your boundaries, you quickly discover they aren't for you.

By continuing to honor myself and my own needs, I am building the strength to stand my ground and have my own back. Consistency is key, and the more I ask myself, "What do you need right now?" the more I learn about and respect myself — both of which have been integral parts of my growth. 

Source

1. Marie, S. (n.d.). Abuse Survivors Can Be Revictimized — Here’s What You Should Know. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/revictimization

Athletes can experience verbal abuse while participating in a wide variety of activities, from team sports to individual competitions. This verbal abuse can cause stress and possible emotional harm to the athlete. Insults, name-calling, or put-downs will not make a swimmer move faster through the water or ensure a child will score a goal. In fact, the opposite often occurs. Athletes who experience verbal abuse can suffer from low self-esteem and have increased self-doubt, hindering their athletic abilities. 

Verbal Abuse from Parents Of Athletes In Sports

In a perfect world, parents will always be supportive of their children, regardless of their performance in sports. Unfortunately, some adults resort to verbal abuse when talking to their child athletes about how they did in a game. Parents should understand that not all children will possess the same competitive nature they have or want in their child. 

Children look to their parents for acceptance and love, especially if they participate in sporting activities. Their parents' support is even more critical when children don't compete to their own expectations or if they have a bad game. In these circumstances, athletes need reassurance that they are good enough and loved no matter how they perform. 

I remember how humiliating it was as a child to be yelled at alongside your teammates because of a bad game or missed opportunity. Unfortunately, I've carried that self-doubt with me for years as I matured. 

As a mother of four, I've had children in sports for more than 20 years now. I've tried to ensure that when I'm speaking to my kids about a game or competition, I refrain from using insults, threats, or put-downs when it comes to their abilities. I never want them to feel like I did when a coach spoke down to me because of my actions during a game. 

Athletes and Verbally Abusive Spectators

In my experience, spectators can include grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends. The people watching can give the support and encouragement that some athletes need to compete. 

However, I've been witness to spectators who use verbal abuse to try and alter an athlete's performance during a game or competition. Some harmful words I've heard were directed at children of opposite teams because the spectators were upset about how the game was going. Other times, individuals on the sidelines were yelling hurtful comments at the referees because they disagreed with a penalty or call on the play.

Unfortunately, when verbal abuse happens in these situations, group mentality can take over. Other individuals may also start to express their negative feelings, encouraging this behavior.

I've recently been in attendance when spectators were using verbal abuse against each other during a sporting event, which quickly got out of hand. I tried to remain calm myself, and many people tried to diffuse the behavior. Although threats were made and harmful words were spoken, no one was physically hurt. However, this situation created tension that continued after the game was over. 

Using verbal abuse in any situation is wrong, especially when children are present. Sports are supposed to be a fun way to enjoy recreational time. Instead, there are situations when a game can turn into a battle, creating stress and hurt for everyone involved.

As a mother, I don't want anyone verbally abusing my children or any child, regardless of their performance in sports. I've talked to my children each time we've faced verbal abuse when they were athletes during sporting activities. I've reinforced how negative words aren't motivational and can hurt those who experience it firsthand. My end goal is to help my children learn how to deal with frustration and negative emotions without using verbal abuse. Then, together, we can help make a better future for others. 

It's the start of a new year, and it's a good time to reflect on the previous year and the things I learned about my anxiety. It's also a good time to reflect on strategies that I used for coping with anxiety, what worked well, and what didn't. Here's how I handle anxiety in the new year.

An aspect of coping with anxiety that I like to think about at the start of the new year is what I can do differently and new strategies I can use. Sometimes, I find that the beginning of a new year is a good time to develop a plan since it tends to be a time of renewal and a fresh start.

Strategies to Cope with Anxiety in the New Year in 2023

In reviewing my anxiety management plan for 2023, I found that the strategies I planned to use were journaling, using self-affirmations, and working on self-forgiveness.

Something I talk about often in my work is the importance of taking the time to self-reflect, but also about being honest and realistic with yourself. So, it's important that I now take an honest look at what my plan was this past year to cope with anxiety, whether or not I used those strategies, and how well they worked for me.

I did increase my use of both journaling and self-affirmations. I found that journaling was a helpful way to self-soothe, especially during times when I was extremely anxious.

I also found that using self-affirmations was helpful during times when I experienced quite a bit of self-doubt and uncertainty about the actions that I was taking and the decisions that I was making. Using self-affirmations helped me to feel more confident and sure of myself.

I also worked on self-forgiveness, but I think this is something I still need to work on. I often talk about the importance of exercising self-compassion, but I continue to feel as though I tend to be hard on myself for things that have happened in the past.

Strategies to Cope with Anxiety in the New Year in 2024

Increasing my use of mindfulness with the specific intent of practicing self-compassion will hopefully help me to lessen the anxiety I feel about things that have happened in the past. Additionally, I feel that I need to use mindfulness even during times when I am not anxious. This includes engaging more often in my use of mindfulness meditation.

I also plan to set more boundaries for myself to ease my anxiety in the new year. This includes setting boundaries in multiple areas of life, with different people in my life, and also with my responsibilities. I must decide where those boundaries are and commit to holding firm to them to protect myself. This is likely to be, by far, the hardest strategy for me to work on, but it will also be the most impactful.

So, this is my new anxiety management plan for 2024. If you have a new plan for yourself for this year, share some of your strategies in the comments below.

Many women dread the mere thought of turning into their mothers, to the extent that "I am turning into my mother" is a dramatic or hilarious trope often used in TV and films. However, in my case, this thought is aspirational instead of terrifying because my mother is one of my role models. And to quote the anonymous, "If I turn into my mother or even half the woman she is, I'll consider my life a successful one."

Why I Hope to Turn into My Mother

My Mother Is Neurotypical, but She Has a Physical Disability

Unlike me, my mother does not have any mental illness like anxiety or depression. Instead, she has a physical disability, one that deformed her foot and made it painful for her to walk. If you are wondering whether she suffered from polio as a child, you are right. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember seeing my mother walking around the house briskly and doing her chores. Even though she had a genuine reason, she never made excuses for not getting work done. What further inspired me was that she refused to hide her disability. She knew she had nothing to be ashamed of -- and this was evident in her behavior. For example, when nosy strangers approached her and asked if she had a "problem," she didn't blush and deny it or attempt to hide her foot. She had a cool "Yes, and?" attitude that I yearned to possess one day. 

She Taught Me to Find Courage in Adversity

It's only been a few years since my mother got customized footwear to support her foot. For many years, she made do without it. And don't be fooled; apart from her disability, my mama had her fair share of struggles, none of which I can list here for privacy reasons. But she got through all of them with grace and resilience. Seeing her grow through her struggles as a shy, introverted married woman living with an extroverted extended family taught my teenage self to find strength in adversity. One thing my mother often said to me was, "Don't give up when you fail. Stand up and try again. Be brave!"

This lesson stuck with me for life, and I have realized that it is one of the things that always help me get through bad mental health days. 

Embracing Turning into My Mother

In embracing the prospect of turning into my mother, I do not fear losing myself. On the contrary, I celebrate the woman who has consistently been my guiding light. If turning into my mother means inheriting even a fraction of her authenticity and courage, I welcome it with open arms. 

Setting goals is great, but setting realistic goals is even better. It’s the beginning of a new year, which means it’s the beginning of New Year’s resolutions season. While thinking about my self-improvement, I believe it’s important to set realistic goals that are easier to maintain and won’t leave me feeling like I’m fighting against the impossible.

Burning Out from Unrealistic Goals

There is a buzzing and renewed energy at the beginning of the year. Shopping carts are full of healthy food, gyms are gaining traffic, and books are being read. While this is delightful, there may be pressure to create practically unattainable expectations of oneself.

Once the buzz wears off, the goals become harder. After falling behind a few times, the motivation wears off. Once I feel that a goal is too difficult to achieve, I’ll likely give up.

If you’re like me, you have a love-and-hate relationship with goals. Sure, the success is great, but the pressure I put on myself can lead to guilt and shame. With bipolar disorder, I tend to set high goals in a manic episode, only to ignore them during a depressive episode. Or I get excited and set too many goals, and for someone who already struggles with focus, having too many goals makes achieving everyone harder.

Why Focus on Realistic Goals

My moods, energy levels, and ability to focus are rarely consistent. One day, I may be able to cross everything off my checklist, while another day, I may struggle to do the basics. It feels like I’m asking myself the impossible to go to the gym every day, eat only “healthy” foods, and spend an hour working on self-development on days when I struggle to leave the bed.

As someone who has to manage a mental illness, I’m working on being extra kind to myself. I already suffer from ongoing feelings of guilt, anxiety, and insecurity, so creating a new reason to get down on myself is unhelpful and hurtful; that’s why I avoid lofty goals.

How to Set Realistic Goals

When setting goals, I need to be honest with myself. I get easily caught up in the excitement, but I know I must evaluate what is doable.

I’ve tracked my habits almost daily for two years. This isn’t to say that this is the only way to self-reflect, but it works for me. I can visually see what I am capable of. For example, in 2022, I spent a little over 130 days being active. In 2023, my goal was to hit at least 150 active days, which I was able to achieve. I never asked myself to be active every day because I knew that was not going to happen. I gave myself grace and let myself rest on bad mental health days.

It feels good to create and achieve goals, especially when it’s something I know will improve my mental health. While goals can improve your mental stability, creating unrealistic expectations can hurt your mental health. Unrealistic goals create the opportunity for shame and anxiety. Being honest with yourself and creating a doable plan with realistic goals is a great way to create a better version of yourself.