Now, I have therapy skills for my schizoaffective disorder, but that wasn't true when I was younger. My first psychotic episode hit 25 years ago this holiday season, when I was a student at the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD). I was only 19 years old—terrified and somewhat unaware of what was happening. I’ve grown up a lot since then. You can grow and change while living with a mental illness. I know because I did, and my mental illness changed with me. What helped me and my schizoaffective disorder grow up, along with medication, are skills I learned in therapy. Here are some of the ones I found to be most helpful.

Therapeutic Skills I’ve Learned for My Schizoaffective Disorder

A lot of the skills emerged from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). This therapy has been instrumental in helping with my schizoaffective disorder and schizoaffective anxiety. In my understanding, dialectical behavior therapy is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which seeks to change the way you feel by changing the way you think, and that has also helped a lot with my schizoaffective disorder and accompanying anxiety. But I've found that DBT takes it a step further by encouraging you to accept the way you feel before you try to make a change.

A DBT skill that helped my schizoaffective disorder a lot, one I learned fairly recently from my therapist, is how to deal with rumination. For me, rumination is another word for excessive worrying all the time. I’ve been worrying a lot since I was a little kid. The skill my therapist taught me is to not engage with the rumination. The way you do this is to say something to the worry like, “I’m going to put this worry away for next week.” (It helps to have milestones so you don’t put pressure on yourself to never worry about an idea again.) Then, I imagine wrapping the worry up in a bag, tying it up, and putting it off to the side for later. This has helped a lot with my worrying. I wouldn’t say I’m worry-free, but it’s gotten better. I've found the key is to realize that you’re not helping anything by embracing the worrying, that, by worrying, you’re not going to solve the problem.

Another helpful skill for schizoaffective disorder I’ve learned in therapy is not engaging with “what if” thinking. I learned this years ago in an intensive outpatient program, a program where you go to the hospital every day, but you sleep at home. (It’s kind of like going to school or work. It’s different from staying all day and all night in a psychiatric ward, which I’ve done, too.)

I used to think that participating in the “what ifs” was a good way to prepare for bad things that might happen, but it’s quite the opposite. “What if” thinking makes you freeze with fear at something that hasn’t even occurred and probably won’t. The way I cut off “what if” scenarios in their tracks is to label the thoughts as “what if” thinking. I label them as worrying about something that hasn’t happened and might not even happen.

With Therapy Skills for Schizoaffective Disorder, I Feel Blessed

By using therapy skills for schizoaffective disorder and, of course, by taking my medication, I’ve managed to keep my illness at bay. I have to admit that it does control my life in some ways, but it’s not nearly as bad as when I dropped out of reality into my first episode in 1998. My family, especially my husband, Tom, helps a lot, too. If, in 1998, I had known that in just 10 years I would be married to such a wonderful man, I wouldn’t have been so scared about how my life would turn out—25 years since my first episode; I am very blessed.

Change is critical when healing from verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is a damaging tactic that many individuals use in relationships for various reasons. Although it may be common, this method of communication is harmful to the recipient. It can cause negative side effects for years, even after the verbal abuse is no longer present. The only way to move away from verbal abuse and heal is to change. 

Changing the Verbally Abusive Behaviors to Heal

Naturally, the easiest way to stop someone from being verbally abusive is to stop their negative behaviors. In some cases, individuals may not realize they are using verbal abuse within a relationship. With this dynamic, having an open, honest discussion can allow the person to see how damaging their words are to others. 

In other situations, individuals may not understand how hurtful they can be when speaking to others. Therapy can be an excellent method of helping people recognize the harm in verbal abuse and how to navigate relationships without using this tactic. 

Changing a person's approach doesn't happen overnight. Many individuals who are working hard to move away from using verbal abuse may still slip up and resort to past behaviors. When this happens, it's critical to acknowledge the action and reinforce better communication methods with others.

Healing verbally abusive behaviors through change isn't a linear journey. You may have good days and bad days where mistakes happen. The important thing to remember is that you are trying and want to continue to be better for yourself and others as you continue to heal.

Living with verbal abuse myself, I've developed some unhealthy habits that can be verbally abusive. I've had past situations when I've said things I shouldn't have and felt bad about. So, I've made an effort to be sincere and apologetic when it does happen, and I continuously work towards healing to be a better person to others. 

Changing Your Attitude to Heal from Verbal Abuse

If you are stuck in a verbally abusive situation, changing your attitude towards it can make a significant difference in your healing process. Often, targets of verbal abuse have a low self-worth, making it challenging to stand up against their abuser. Altering how you see the relationship and what you want in your personal connections can help you begin to heal and move away from verbal abuse. 

Once you recognize how damaging verbal abuse is, you can make choices to eliminate it from your life. Your attitude towards your abuser and yourself will dictate your healing process. In some situations, speaking up against the abuse can give you back some confidence in how to care for yourself. You may realize that the relationship is not worth the hurt and negativity. It's okay to make the change and walk away from a verbally abusive situation. 

If you experienced verbal abuse in the past, you may have negative emotions which you carry with you daily. Instead of focusing on how bad the relationship was, you can learn to find connections that don't include verbal abuse. It can take time and therapy, but with consistency and the right tools and resources, it's possible to heal from verbal abuse through change. 

I now see myself and my mental health as a priority. I try to ensure others don't say things that are meant to hurt me. Although there are times when I am passive and walk away rather than confronting the verbal abuse, I'm still actively making a change to help myself. 

Having a strong support system is so important for anxiety. This is something I've learned throughout the years in my journey to learn more about my anxiety and how to cope with it. Even in times that I feel like I want to withdraw from others because I feel overwhelmed with anxious feelings, I make it a point to turn towards my anxiety support system.

In the work I do, I talk a lot about gratitude and the things I am thankful for in my life. I talk about how this helps me cope with anxiety and how it has helped me deal with chronic stress throughout the years. One of the main things I am always so grateful for is the people in my life who are part of my support system.

Why a Support System Is Helpful for Anxiety

As indicated by the American Psychological Association, emotional support helps boost resilience in times of stress, and, on the other hand, being lonely is linked with chronic health conditions.¹ I've learned that a strong support system for anxiety doesn't mean that you have to have a large group of friends and family. All it means is that you have people in your life who you can trust and lean on when you need support. And it means that those people support you unconditionally.

This is helpful for my anxiety because when I am anxious, I tend to feel overwhelmed with racing thoughts. Speaking with someone I can trust and who I know isn't going to judge me allows me to have a chance to express and process my thoughts. As a result, I feel less overwhelmed, and my mind feels less chaotic. Additionally, having someone you trust to express yourself with can help you organize your thoughts and possibly even change your perspective.

It also helps me feel like I am not alone. One of the scariest things about anxiety is the feeling that something bad is going to happen, and that feeling is even worse when you feel like you are alone. But when you have a strong support system for anxiety, you know you aren't alone. You know you have people who will support you and be there for you.

Lastly, having a strong anxiety support system helps me feel better about myself. When you struggle with anxiety, you may often also find that you experience feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness. For myself, this is related to the perfectionist standards that I set for myself that I find nearly impossible to achieve. But when you have a strong support system, those who are in that system can help you feel better about yourself because they are in your corner, supporting you.

Do you find that having a strong system of support is helpful for your anxiety? If so, share the reasons you find it helpful in the comments below.

Source

1. Manage stress: Strengthen your support network. (2022, October 21). https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support

Finding yourself falling into an anxious spiral is scary, and it's easy to feel out of control. Luckily, there are some physical skills you can utilize to fight off this feeling. Sometimes, in an anxious spiral, it's difficult to think clearly, so when I face those issues, I tend to lean into physical practices, meaning that I'm doing an action using my body and not necessarily my mind to find comfort. Using physical practices is a great way to center yourself and regain emotional balance.

Exercise to Combat an Anxious Spiral

When saying "physical practices," it's no surprise that moving your body is a great recentering technique for an anxiety spiral. This doesn't mean a full marathon is the only solution, but sometimes, a little dance break is the perfect remedy to release nervous energy. It may feel a little silly, but throwing on a song you like will also help lift your spirits. A few minutes of moving around is not only an outlet, but it's also distracting.

Distraction Techniques for Anxious Spirals

Speaking of distraction, distraction is a great way to shift focus off an anxious spiral. There are plenty of creative ways to distract the mind. Here, I share some examples of ways I have used distraction to calm myself when I feel a spiral coming on.

Cold Therapy for an Anxiety Spiral

I used to hate being cold, but in the last few years, I've found comfort in the cold. When I'm anxious, my heart rate spikes. Cold temperatures help bring down my elevated heart rate pretty quickly. If it's cold outside, I'll spend a few minutes braving the weather. I also used to use bowls of ice water to dunk my face, but more recently, I've found the most convenient way for me to get my cold fix is to hop into a cold shower. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, after a few cold showers, the appreciation starts to grow.

Breathing Through an Anxious Spiral

My favorite practice is one I use almost daily: breathing exercises. It's one of the easiest ways to physically incorporate the body because it can be done almost anywhere at any time, whether that's at work, in bed, or standing in line at the store. For me, it's an almost immediate remedy for relief. I breathe in deeply, filling up my chest as much as I can, then hold for a few moments before exhaling slowly. I repeat this cycle a few times over the next couple of minutes. It's shocking how quick and effective this is for me. I can almost feel the wave of comfort flowing from my head to my toes after a few cycles.

Personally, incorporating my body in combating an anxious spiral has been successful. Beyond the comfort it brings me, it has the bonus of making me feel connected and in tune with my body, which is difficult when anxiety takes over my thoughts. Using these skills has been a great way to distract, regulate, and regain a sense of balance, letting me get back to enjoying my day.

In my life's journey, which includes nearly two decades of mindfulness practice, I have unearthed a profound connection between a mindfulness practice that creates increased mental control and the augmentation of self-esteem. This realization has been transformative, shaping the way that I perceive myself and my role in the broader tapestry of society. There is a huge potential for mindfulness to improve one's self-esteem.

Mindfulness as a Way of Life Affects Self-Esteem

Mindfulness, for me, is not merely a technique but rather a way of life. It is an ongoing exploration of the present moment. As I carve out spaces in my daily routine for mindfulness, I find solace in the simple act of being fully present. The ability to immerse myself in the current moment offers a sanctuary where I can momentarily escape the cacophony of life's demands. In these moments, I discover a profound sense of peace, a respite from the anxieties that may otherwise erode my self-esteem. 

Beyond the tranquility it provides, mindfulness grants me increased control over my thoughts. This mental sovereignty is a powerful tool in the construction of a positive self-image. When faced with self-doubt or moments of introspective challenge, I leverage this newfound control to remind myself of my inherent value, especially as a person with lived experience. The ability to direct my thinking allows me to discard detrimental narratives and replace them with affirmations of self-worth. 

The Potential of Mindfulness to Help Self-Esteem

In the realm of self-esteem, mindful moments act as a guiding light, illuminating the importance of realizing one's contributions, no matter how humble. Through the lens of heightened mental control, I've learned to appreciate the significance of my actions, however modest they may seem. The smallest gestures, when viewed mindfully, take on a new significance. They become threads woven into the fabric of societal contribution. 

Mindfulness has become my anchor in navigating life's complexities. It has granted me the capacity to appreciate my unique qualities and strengths, fostering a sense of self-love that transcends external validations. In the stillness of mindful moments, I have come to understand that my worth is not contingent upon grand achievements, but rather, I've found I have intrinsic value through mindful presence in a moment.

As I reflect on my journey with mindfulness, I am reminded that self-esteem is not a static state but rather a dynamic process. It evolves, matures, and deepens with each mindful breath. In this ongoing exploration of the Self, I have found empowerment. This manifests as an unwavering belief in my intrinsic value and an acknowledgment that my mindful presence in the world contributes meaningfully, no matter how quietly. Mindfulness, with its gift of increased mental control, has become my ally in the pursuit of a resilient and flourishing self-esteem. 

I encourage you to consider adding mindfulness practices to your wellness toolbox. If you already use mindfulness practices, consider this a friendly reminder of their transformative power.  

I have been living with depression for 20 years, and I mean it when I say I'm both a survivor and a victim of depression. What do I mean by this statement? Let's take a look at being a survivor and victim of depression.

I'm a Survivor of Depression

Depression makes everyday life difficult, but generally, I carry on with life as usual. Right from waking up to going to bed, depression affects nearly every aspect of my daily life. It makes it hard for me to wake up in the mornings, especially as I am not a morning person. But I wake up in the morning anyway, even though I would rather wake up in the afternoon. 

What I'm trying to say is that even though it has a grip on me, I don't let depression control me. And this is what makes me a survivor of depression. I am a survivor because of years of lived experience, professional help, and support from loved ones. Being a survivor does not mean I have overcome depression permanently because surviving depression is an ongoing process. I call myself a survivor because I want to acknowledge my courage, resilience, and strength. 

I'm a Victim of Depression

I have no intention of writing some problematic, toxic positivity-fueled post. Depression is a complex and debilitating mental health condition, and it is not to be taken lightly. It cannot be fought with sheer willpower or shaken off with the right attitude. 

Depression is more than mere sadness; it can drain you of your will to live. It is an insidious mental illness that can heavily impact your job, relationships, and quality of life in general. And sometimes, despite your best efforts, you cannot do anything but give in to depression. For example, sometimes I cannot spend time with loved ones because I feel unworthy of their attention. Despite my best efforts, I cannot push myself to see the truth (I am worthy) through the fog of depression. So, I wait for the fog to disappear and then meet my friends or family. Since I am at the mercy of depression, I am its victim. Ultimately, no matter how well I live with it, I am suffering from depression. I am a victim of depression.

I'm Both a Survivor and a Victim of Depression

Acknowledging that I am both a survivor and a victim of depression gives me perspective during hard times. This is the reason why I am making plans for 2024, even though I am currently going through a bad episode of depression. A younger version of me would not have bothered to make plans for the new year and would be steeped in despair instead. Today, I know that my depression will eventually fade, and I will feel better over time. Check out the video below to know more about why I'm making plans for 2024. 

Drinking alcohol with bipolar is a no-no, but over the holidays, it can be hard to remember that. After all, at holiday parties, everyone seems to be drinking. What might help is understanding why people with bipolar disorder shouldn't imbibe alcohol.

People with Bipolar Disorder Are Commonly Addicted to Alcohol

Firstly, it's important to understand that alcohol use disorders are frequent in those with bipolar disorder. It is estimated that between 40-70 percent of people with bipolar disorder will experience an alcohol use disorder at some time in their lives.¹ And as anyone who has tried to come back from an addiction will tell you, it's much better not to start the addiction rather than have to dig yourself out afterward. 

There are many reasons why people with bipolar disorder commonly abuse alcohol. It's partially due to a genetic predisposition¹ and also, I suspect, an attempt to medicate symptoms. While wanting to medicate your bipolar symptoms makes perfect sense, there are much better ways to go about doing it.

When You Drink with Bipolar

One of the most obvious problems when it comes to drinking with bipolar disorder is medication complications. Specifically, alcohol can change how your prescribed medications work (you'll note many of your medications have bold warnings about not drinking on them), making them less therapeutic. This right there can negatively impact you and your bipolar disorder.

But more than that, alcohol is known to hurt people with bipolar disorder by:²

• Reducing emotional regulation
• Increasing mood instability
• Making the person vulnerable to relapse

Drinking Alcohol with Bipolar -- My Experience

I've had various experiences drinking alcohol with bipolar disorder. Most commonly, I've found that depression follows drinking. It's that simple. I'm a person who wants to avoid depression as much as possible, so while drinking seems like fun when other people do it, I have to remind myself that, for me, it brings about the absolute opposite of fun.

Alcohol and Bipolar Over the Holidays

I'm not here to tell you not to drink alcohol because of bipolar disorder. What I'm here to do is to tell you to consider your stability, how tenuous it is, and how difficult it can be to regain. I'm here to tell you that drinking alcohol can compromise your stability. I'm here to tell you that alcohol can make your medications not work well. I'm here to tell you that all this put together should make you seriously consider whether drinking, just to fit in with the family, is worth it.

Remember, the holidays may be coming up, but that is a holiday from work, not a holiday from bipolar disorder.

Sources

1. Grunze, H., Schaefer, M., Scherk, H., Born, C., & Preuss, U. W. (2021). Comorbid Bipolar and Alcohol Use Disorder—A therapeutic challenge. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.660432
2. Martyn, F., McPhilemy, G., Nabulsi, L., Quirke, J., Hallahan, B., McDonald, C., & Cannon, D. M. (2022). Alcohol use is associated with affective and interoceptive network alterations in bipolar disorder. Brain and Behavior, 13(1). https://doi.org/10.1002/brb3.2832

I realize now that I need to accept a lack of control in my eating disorder recovery. My battle with anorexia was never just about caloric restriction or exercise compulsion. Those behaviors were surface-level indicators of a more complex issue underneath. The main fear that drove my illness had nothing to do with food itself—on the contrary, I longed for nourishment and sustenance. My source of terror was a loss of control.

When life seemed too chaotic to manage or even make sense of, I found solace (however fleeting) in at least being able to dominate myself. But I have a much different outlook now. As I continue on this healing journey, it becomes increasingly obvious to me that eating disorder recovery means accepting when I lack control.  

Why Accepting When I Lack Control Matters in Eating Disorder Recovery

When I was a patient in residential treatment about 15 years ago, I learned a mantra from my therapist, which is commonly known as The Serenity Prayer:

"Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change whatever I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

With another holiday season on the horizon, I find myself returning to those simple but poignant words. The Serenity Prayer reassures me that, although I lack control over some of the interactions and situations I might encounter this time of year, the circumstances are not untenable.

For instance, I cannot guarantee whether my relatives will discuss calories at the dinner table or complain about all the "holiday pounds" they're afraid to gain. But I can control how I will respond if those conversations occur. I dictate my own thoughts and actions. I can allow someone else's comments to influence my behavior, or I can walk away from the discussion to protect my mental health. I can use the environment around me to justify harmful choices, or I can stand firm in my commitment to nurture healing and wholeness.    

My interpretation of eating disorder recovery means accepting when I lack control, and this has freed me to focus on what is mine to either carry or release. I am responsible for the decisions I make—how I treat others, how I care for myself, how I spend my time, how I show up for what I believe in, and how I move through this world. Not much else falls under my personal jurisdiction, but I am learning to accept that life is messy and often uncontrollable. 

How I Practice Accepting When I Lack Control in Eating Disorder Recovery

This video is restricted to those over 18 by YouTube policy because it has content related to eating disorders.

Does accepting a lack of control resonate with your own experience in eating disorder recovery? How do you practice this level of acceptance, both in the holiday season and the normal rhythms of life? Please share your insights in the comment section below.

Facing verbal abuse is an awful situation to be in, regardless of your age or the circumstances. Often, if someone is dealing with verbal abuse, they don't have the strength or confidence to stand up for themselves. This situation can allow the abuse to continue and worsen over time. However, some people can face abusers and call them out on their behavior when they aren't the victim of the situation. Why is it easier for some people to stand up against others facing verbal abuse? 

Helping Others Facing Verbal Abuse

I've been in multiple situations when there was verbal abuse between people that didn't directly impact me. I immediately resonated with these instances since I have my own experiences with verbal abuse. I know how difficult it is to stand up against an abuser. 

I've realized through the years that I am more prone to speaking up for someone else facing verbal abuse than for myself. I attribute my actions to these points: 

• I understand how damaging verbal abuse is.
• I empathize with how awful it feels to be the target of verbal abuse.
• I don't think anyone should be verbally abused.
• I wouldn't use verbal abuse as a tactic on someone.
• Sometimes, victims of verbal abuse don't know how to defend themselves against verbal abuse.

Because I've been the target of verbal abuse, I know how challenging it can be to break free. I've been in a place where I felt hopeless, and I had no plan on how to move away from verbal abuse. In those dark times, I wanted someone to help me, stand up for my rights, and care about me. 

Learning to Help Myself When Facing Verbal Abuse

As I work through therapy, I am learning how to help myself more when facing verbally abusive situations. I use these tools when I can, although sometimes I still retreat and take time to collect my thoughts before acting. Although it seems easier for me to defend someone else against verbal abuse, I am slowly getting my confidence back. 

I am just as worthy of healthy relationships as anyone else. I deserve to have interactions that don't include verbal abuse. I need to remember that I am as important as others and shouldn't be subjected to verbal abuse. 

If you speak up for others when they face verbal abuse, thank you. Helping bring awareness to this damaging behavior will give those individuals being mistreated a voice when they can't stand up for themselves. But it's also critical to remember that you are just as important as anyone else regarding verbal abuse. It can be challenging, but find the strength to advocate for yourself. Then, you can begin to move away from the hurtful situation. 

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about identity labels. More specifically, I've been thinking about whether identity labels help or hurt us. In today's post, I will look at the ways that identity labels support us and, at times, the ways they might hinder us.

Identity is an important topic, and we can use labels to describe it in terms of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, relationship style, and more. Today, I will mostly focus on sexual orientation and gender labels, although my words can apply to a variety of identity labels. 

3 Ways Identity Labels Can Help Us

For starters, I will look at three ways identity labels can help us.

1. Having a label can help us better understand ourselves. At a basic level, utilizing identity labels like bisexual, lesbian, heterosexual, pansexual, etc., can help us to understand ourselves better. Especially if we're new to discovering aspects of our queerness and identity, like being gay or transgender, it can feel really exciting to utilize a new label, which leads me to my next point. On a very practical level, having an identity label can help us with things like dating because we better know who we are and what we want and need with our partner(s). 
2. Having a label can give us a sense of pride. Realizing that you identify with a particular label can be so exciting, as I said above. It also opens the door to being a part of a new community (which I'll talk about in my next point). I experience a lot of pride in identifying with the label of transgender. It makes me feel a sense of pride about who I am and also the broader community I am a part of. 
3. Having a label can give us a sense of community. Once you have an identity label, this opens the door to finding other people who identify similarly. There are tons of events out there intended for people of specific identities, like transgender, lesbian, gay, etc. For me, I have found a lot of community with other transgender folks. I have struggled more to find community with other bisexual folks, as we are a more marginalized identity, but I still get a lot out of it when I find other people who identify similarly to me. 

Can Identity Labels Hurt Us?

Part of why I made this post is that I've started to feel held back by my identity labels as of late. My understanding of my gender and sexuality has begun to shift, and the labels I've long identified with just don't feel as relevant. I've felt more boxed in by identity labels than supported by them. In the video below, I share the flip side of identity labels and the ways these labels can hinder us. 

Identity Labels Can Help and Hurt

To wrap up, I'll share a personal example of how my identity labels are shifting over time. I've felt attached to the sexuality label "bisexual," but over time, I've realized I'm just not that attracted to men anymore, and this label hasn't been fitting for me. I was attracted to men for a really long time, so it's confusing, but I mostly prefer women at this stage of my life. It's felt a bit scary to let go of the bisexual label, as I've been a fierce advocate for bisexual visibility.

Now, I'm leaning into what it means to start letting go of the label bisexual and possibly identify with labels that mostly acknowledge my attraction to women. As I've written about in other posts here, I like the label "lesbian" when I'm in my feminine self. When I'm more in my masculine gender identity, I've been toying around with the label "heteroflexible," meaning mostly heterosexual with some flexibility. Mostly, though, I'm trying not to get too caught up in new labels and just to go where my attractions lead me. While identity labels can be helpful, they are ultimately not the be-all and end-all of identity, and they do not define everything about who we are. Well, at least for me, they don't.