When many people think of verbal abuse, they picture an angry person screaming insults or spewing vicious words, but passive aggressiveness can be verbally abusive, too. Verbal abuse doesn't have to include yelling or potential threats. Sometimes, passive-aggressive verbal abuse can be just as harmful. 

Passive-Aggressive Actions that Are Verbally Abusive

While it can be simple to spot verbal abuse when it is clear, subtle comments or behaviors may be more challenging to decipher. I have experienced both blatant and passive-aggressive verbal abuse actions in my relationships.

After years of therapy, I know now that some actions I've experienced in the past are verbally abusive. A few of these examples include: 

• Being ignored or pretending I don't exist or matter
• Backhanded compliments that are insulting
• Using sarcastic remarks
• Avoiding making joint decisions
• Refusing to participate in activities with me
• Deliberately procrastinating to force me to complete tasks
• Purposely making me feel uncomfortable in public

Although these examples don't seem as hurtful as screaming insults, they can lead to many negative side effects. I've experienced low self-esteem and debilitating anxiety on many occasions due to this passive-aggressive verbal abuse.

On several occasions, I was a coach for my child's sports team. One year was exceptionally awful for me, though. Although the other coaches were not openly abusive to me, they refused to listen to my input at practice or during games.

I was ignored and later realized they only asked me to participate because I had the much-needed certifications the other coaches didn't have. Because I had enough experience with passive-aggressiveness and verbal abuse, I hid the effects from my child and other parents so no one knew. This appeasing reaction allowed the other coaches to continue this harmful behavior without any consequences. 

Passive-Aggressive Verbal Abuse Promotes Appeasement 

Openly harmful verbal abuse can ignite a fight or flight response, creating a dynamic of fear. However, passive-aggressive verbal abuse relies on an individual's appeasement. The abuser is using a passive approach to get another person to appease their wants and needs. 

Often, abusers will defend themselves, refusing to acknowledge their abusive behaviors since they aren't direct insults or anger-fueled screaming matches. They put the responsibility onto the victim so they can be absolved of any wrongdoing.

In one instance, an individual steamrolled me during a game, forcing themselves into a position of authority without collaborating with me. I was unable to complete my respected coaching duties during that time, leaving my child and the other kids in a state of confusion and anxiety.  

I didn't want to make a scene in front of the children, so I settled on appeasement to get through the game. Afterward, I chatted with the other coaches and team manager about the situation and how it could not happen again. Unfortunately, they made me feel like I was overreacting, reinforcing the passive-aggressive, verbally abusive behavior. 

It can be challenging to find your voice when facing verbal abuse, especially when it comes from passive-aggressive actions. Remember that your feelings are valid, and no one should be made to feel like they are unworthy. If you have concerns about passive-aggressive verbal abuse, you can reach out to a professional for help. Your mental health matters and should be a top priority. 

Growth milestones for borderline personality disorder (BPD) recovery have been a gratifying evolution. Tracking my progress is like observing a baby's journey from crawling to walking and talking. This perspective has softened my self-judgment about living with mental illness, as I tend to be hard on myself. Growth milestones in BPD matter.

Growth Milestone for Borderline PD Recovery: Triumph Over Splitting

I find myself splitting less frequently, able to trust that I can experience anger or hurt without retaliating against those I care about. For me, splitting is this exhausting push and pull between idealization and devaluation. My mastery of refraining from splitting isn't exactly something I can brag about at the dinner table, but honestly, I am pretty proud of myself. Those with complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and BPD get the arm wrestling struggle; a splitting episode is an intense bout. My episodes, once epic sagas lasting eons, now simmer down to a mere blip, a fleeting couple of hours to a week at the most. It's a personal triumph, and I'm quietly reveling in my evolution at the dinner table of this growth milestone in BPD.

Growth Milestone for Borderline PD Recovery: Conquering Object and Emotional Impermanence

My next growth milestone for BPD recovery is overcoming object and emotional impermanence. For me, object impermanence refers to the difficulty in maintaining a stable perception of people and things. Simply put, object impermanence is akin to an "out of sight, out of mind" sensation that creeps in when I'm not actively engaged with my loved ones. In those moments, I begin to split. The connection blurs and the warmth I associate with a loved one dissipates. Emotional impermanence, on the other hand, involves the challenge of maintaining stable emotions. I would experience intense and rapidly changing emotions, where what feels true and significant in one moment would shift dramatically in the next. You can imagine how these two symptoms would feed into each other.

Engaging in candid conversations about my experience has become my stronghold in weathering separation from partners, friends, and family. Amidst the growth milestones for BPD recovery, crafting a practical plan of action has been a game-changer. Naming and openly discussing my symptoms has fortified my ability to endure separations from loved ones. Now, I endure longer stretches without feeling severed from them. With words of affirmation, my loved ones reassure me of the importance of our connection. I've also received thoughtful tokens, such as tiny gifts and trinkets, as precious reminders of my favorite people while they are away. 

These are my markers of growth. What are your growth milestones in BPD recovery?

Learning to say no after trauma can feel like stepping on someone's toes without stopping to apologize. In other words, it can feel harsh, cruel, rude, and downright awful to set a boundary or put your needs first. Through my experience enduring childhood sexual assault, I learned that my body was not my own. This idea made saying no after trauma very difficult.

While I (thankfully) haven't run into many individuals who have abused or taken advantage of this vulnerability of mine, I still — 24 years later — recognize my hesitancy to stand up for myself in certain scenarios. Even in my healthy relationship, there are times when my partner reminds me it's okay to say no in any and all contexts. It's okay — and necessary — to prioritize your own needs and safety. 

The Importance of Learning to Say No After Trauma

Learning to say no after enduring a trauma, especially abuse of any sort, is a crucial part of healing and protecting yourself. (Re)victimization, or the recurrence of the same trauma on a particular individual, is a common outcome of childhood abuse.¹ For example, because I was sexually assaulted at the age of four, I grew up with low self-esteem and struggled to stand up for myself in similar instances. Oftentimes, when put into a high-stress situation, I dissociate. Instead of thinking clearly and rationally, I get this fuzzy feeling in my brain and go into what feels like a zombie-like trance. Sufferers of assault may be able to learn to address these wounds and say no in such situations with therapy.

How I'm Learning to Say No After Trauma

I've been on my healing journey for most of my life, but it wasn't until four years ago that I fully admitted to and confronted my assault head-on. Since then, I've been working on setting boundaries in various aspects of my life, from my career to my relationships. Each time I listen to myself and prioritize my own needs, I feel both guilt and pride. I'm choosing to focus on the latter.

Even though it's uncomfortable, learning to say no can be empowering. Additionally, it can help you find the right support system. If someone doesn't respect your boundaries, you quickly discover they aren't for you.

By continuing to honor myself and my own needs, I am building the strength to stand my ground and have my own back. Consistency is key, and the more I ask myself, "What do you need right now?" the more I learn about and respect myself — both of which have been integral parts of my growth. 

Source

1. Marie, S. (n.d.). Abuse Survivors Can Be Revictimized — Here’s What You Should Know. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/revictimization

Athletes can experience verbal abuse while participating in a wide variety of activities, from team sports to individual competitions. This verbal abuse can cause stress and possible emotional harm to the athlete. Insults, name-calling, or put-downs will not make a swimmer move faster through the water or ensure a child will score a goal. In fact, the opposite often occurs. Athletes who experience verbal abuse can suffer from low self-esteem and have increased self-doubt, hindering their athletic abilities. 

Verbal Abuse from Parents Of Athletes In Sports

In a perfect world, parents will always be supportive of their children, regardless of their performance in sports. Unfortunately, some adults resort to verbal abuse when talking to their child athletes about how they did in a game. Parents should understand that not all children will possess the same competitive nature they have or want in their child. 

Children look to their parents for acceptance and love, especially if they participate in sporting activities. Their parents' support is even more critical when children don't compete to their own expectations or if they have a bad game. In these circumstances, athletes need reassurance that they are good enough and loved no matter how they perform. 

I remember how humiliating it was as a child to be yelled at alongside your teammates because of a bad game or missed opportunity. Unfortunately, I've carried that self-doubt with me for years as I matured. 

As a mother of four, I've had children in sports for more than 20 years now. I've tried to ensure that when I'm speaking to my kids about a game or competition, I refrain from using insults, threats, or put-downs when it comes to their abilities. I never want them to feel like I did when a coach spoke down to me because of my actions during a game. 

Athletes and Verbally Abusive Spectators

In my experience, spectators can include grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends. The people watching can give the support and encouragement that some athletes need to compete. 

However, I've been witness to spectators who use verbal abuse to try and alter an athlete's performance during a game or competition. Some harmful words I've heard were directed at children of opposite teams because the spectators were upset about how the game was going. Other times, individuals on the sidelines were yelling hurtful comments at the referees because they disagreed with a penalty or call on the play.

Unfortunately, when verbal abuse happens in these situations, group mentality can take over. Other individuals may also start to express their negative feelings, encouraging this behavior.

I've recently been in attendance when spectators were using verbal abuse against each other during a sporting event, which quickly got out of hand. I tried to remain calm myself, and many people tried to diffuse the behavior. Although threats were made and harmful words were spoken, no one was physically hurt. However, this situation created tension that continued after the game was over. 

Using verbal abuse in any situation is wrong, especially when children are present. Sports are supposed to be a fun way to enjoy recreational time. Instead, there are situations when a game can turn into a battle, creating stress and hurt for everyone involved.

As a mother, I don't want anyone verbally abusing my children or any child, regardless of their performance in sports. I've talked to my children each time we've faced verbal abuse when they were athletes during sporting activities. I've reinforced how negative words aren't motivational and can hurt those who experience it firsthand. My end goal is to help my children learn how to deal with frustration and negative emotions without using verbal abuse. Then, together, we can help make a better future for others. 

It's the start of a new year, and it's a good time to reflect on the previous year and the things I learned about my anxiety. It's also a good time to reflect on strategies that I used for coping with anxiety, what worked well, and what didn't. Here's how I handle anxiety in the new year.

An aspect of coping with anxiety that I like to think about at the start of the new year is what I can do differently and new strategies I can use. Sometimes, I find that the beginning of a new year is a good time to develop a plan since it tends to be a time of renewal and a fresh start.

Strategies to Cope with Anxiety in the New Year in 2023

In reviewing my anxiety management plan for 2023, I found that the strategies I planned to use were journaling, using self-affirmations, and working on self-forgiveness.

Something I talk about often in my work is the importance of taking the time to self-reflect, but also about being honest and realistic with yourself. So, it's important that I now take an honest look at what my plan was this past year to cope with anxiety, whether or not I used those strategies, and how well they worked for me.

I did increase my use of both journaling and self-affirmations. I found that journaling was a helpful way to self-soothe, especially during times when I was extremely anxious.

I also found that using self-affirmations was helpful during times when I experienced quite a bit of self-doubt and uncertainty about the actions that I was taking and the decisions that I was making. Using self-affirmations helped me to feel more confident and sure of myself.

I also worked on self-forgiveness, but I think this is something I still need to work on. I often talk about the importance of exercising self-compassion, but I continue to feel as though I tend to be hard on myself for things that have happened in the past.

Strategies to Cope with Anxiety in the New Year in 2024

Increasing my use of mindfulness with the specific intent of practicing self-compassion will hopefully help me to lessen the anxiety I feel about things that have happened in the past. Additionally, I feel that I need to use mindfulness even during times when I am not anxious. This includes engaging more often in my use of mindfulness meditation.

I also plan to set more boundaries for myself to ease my anxiety in the new year. This includes setting boundaries in multiple areas of life, with different people in my life, and also with my responsibilities. I must decide where those boundaries are and commit to holding firm to them to protect myself. This is likely to be, by far, the hardest strategy for me to work on, but it will also be the most impactful.

So, this is my new anxiety management plan for 2024. If you have a new plan for yourself for this year, share some of your strategies in the comments below.

Many women dread the mere thought of turning into their mothers, to the extent that "I am turning into my mother" is a dramatic or hilarious trope often used in TV and films. However, in my case, this thought is aspirational instead of terrifying because my mother is one of my role models. And to quote the anonymous, "If I turn into my mother or even half the woman she is, I'll consider my life a successful one."

Why I Hope to Turn into My Mother

My Mother Is Neurotypical, but She Has a Physical Disability

Unlike me, my mother does not have any mental illness like anxiety or depression. Instead, she has a physical disability, one that deformed her foot and made it painful for her to walk. If you are wondering whether she suffered from polio as a child, you are right. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember seeing my mother walking around the house briskly and doing her chores. Even though she had a genuine reason, she never made excuses for not getting work done. What further inspired me was that she refused to hide her disability. She knew she had nothing to be ashamed of -- and this was evident in her behavior. For example, when nosy strangers approached her and asked if she had a "problem," she didn't blush and deny it or attempt to hide her foot. She had a cool "Yes, and?" attitude that I yearned to possess one day. 

She Taught Me to Find Courage in Adversity

It's only been a few years since my mother got customized footwear to support her foot. For many years, she made do without it. And don't be fooled; apart from her disability, my mama had her fair share of struggles, none of which I can list here for privacy reasons. But she got through all of them with grace and resilience. Seeing her grow through her struggles as a shy, introverted married woman living with an extroverted extended family taught my teenage self to find strength in adversity. One thing my mother often said to me was, "Don't give up when you fail. Stand up and try again. Be brave!"

This lesson stuck with me for life, and I have realized that it is one of the things that always help me get through bad mental health days. 

Embracing Turning into My Mother

In embracing the prospect of turning into my mother, I do not fear losing myself. On the contrary, I celebrate the woman who has consistently been my guiding light. If turning into my mother means inheriting even a fraction of her authenticity and courage, I welcome it with open arms. 

Setting goals is great, but setting realistic goals is even better. It’s the beginning of a new year, which means it’s the beginning of New Year’s resolutions season. While thinking about my self-improvement, I believe it’s important to set realistic goals that are easier to maintain and won’t leave me feeling like I’m fighting against the impossible.

Burning Out from Unrealistic Goals

There is a buzzing and renewed energy at the beginning of the year. Shopping carts are full of healthy food, gyms are gaining traffic, and books are being read. While this is delightful, there may be pressure to create practically unattainable expectations of oneself.

Once the buzz wears off, the goals become harder. After falling behind a few times, the motivation wears off. Once I feel that a goal is too difficult to achieve, I’ll likely give up.

If you’re like me, you have a love-and-hate relationship with goals. Sure, the success is great, but the pressure I put on myself can lead to guilt and shame. With bipolar disorder, I tend to set high goals in a manic episode, only to ignore them during a depressive episode. Or I get excited and set too many goals, and for someone who already struggles with focus, having too many goals makes achieving everyone harder.

Why Focus on Realistic Goals

My moods, energy levels, and ability to focus are rarely consistent. One day, I may be able to cross everything off my checklist, while another day, I may struggle to do the basics. It feels like I’m asking myself the impossible to go to the gym every day, eat only “healthy” foods, and spend an hour working on self-development on days when I struggle to leave the bed.

As someone who has to manage a mental illness, I’m working on being extra kind to myself. I already suffer from ongoing feelings of guilt, anxiety, and insecurity, so creating a new reason to get down on myself is unhelpful and hurtful; that’s why I avoid lofty goals.

How to Set Realistic Goals

When setting goals, I need to be honest with myself. I get easily caught up in the excitement, but I know I must evaluate what is doable.

I’ve tracked my habits almost daily for two years. This isn’t to say that this is the only way to self-reflect, but it works for me. I can visually see what I am capable of. For example, in 2022, I spent a little over 130 days being active. In 2023, my goal was to hit at least 150 active days, which I was able to achieve. I never asked myself to be active every day because I knew that was not going to happen. I gave myself grace and let myself rest on bad mental health days.

It feels good to create and achieve goals, especially when it’s something I know will improve my mental health. While goals can improve your mental stability, creating unrealistic expectations can hurt your mental health. Unrealistic goals create the opportunity for shame and anxiety. Being honest with yourself and creating a doable plan with realistic goals is a great way to create a better version of yourself.

As I approached the New Year, I found myself drawn to the age-old tradition of setting resolutions for mental health empowerment. For someone navigating the intricate path of mental health diagnoses, the idea of New Year's resolutions takes on a special significance. These resolutions, far beyond the usual promises of hitting the gym or saving money, can become allies in my quest for self-esteem and purpose amid the complexities of mental health recovery. Learn how to create empowered mental health through New Year's resolutions.

How to Create Empowered Mental Health

Here are some tips for mental health empowerment using New Year's resolutions:

• Focus on progress over perfection. For me, the essence of using New Year's resolutions to boost self-esteem lies in embracing progress over perfection. Mental health challenges often bring a roller coaster of highs and lows, and setting realistic goals allows me to acknowledge and celebrate every step forward. It's about recognizing that progress, no matter how small, is a victory in itself. 
• Set realistic and attainable goals. The process of setting resolutions becomes a canvas for me to paint my aspirations. In navigating mental health diagnoses, it's crucial to set goals that are both realistic and attainable. Breaking down larger objectives into manageable steps not only builds confidence but lays the groundwork for sustained self-esteem growth throughout the year. 
• Craft a personalized wellness blueprint. My resolutions act as a roadmap for crafting a personalized wellness blueprint. This includes commitments to prioritize self-care practices, engage in therapeutic activities, and establish healthy routines. It's about intentionally incorporating elements that contribute to my mental wellbeing and creating an approach that aligns with my unique needs and preferences. 
• Build a supportive network. Sharing my resolutions with a supportive network has proven to be a powerful motivator. Whether it's friends, family, or a support group, involving others in my journey provides encouragement, accountability, and a sense of connectedness. It reinforces the idea that I am not alone in my pursuit of improved mental health and self-esteem. 
• Cultivate resilience through setbacks. Resilience is a constant companion on this journey, and resolutions offer a platform for its cultivation. Setbacks are natural. They are opportunities for learning and growth rather than reasons to abandon resolutions. Overcoming challenges strengthens my resilience and bolsters my belief in my ability to navigate the complexities of mental health. 
• Use mindful reflection and adaptation. Regularly revisiting and reassessing my goals allows me to adapt and modify resolutions based on evolving needs and circumstances. This flexibility fosters a positive relationship with personal growth, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and adaptability in the face of life's unpredictability. 

In conclusion, my New Year's resolutions for mental health empowerment have become powerful companions in building self-esteem amid mental health recovery. Approaching them with a mindset of progress, setting realistic goals, creating a personalized wellness blueprint, building a supportive network, cultivating resilience, and engaging in mindful reflection empower me to embrace the transformative potential of the new year. As the journey unfolds, these resolutions are not just goals to achieve but rather stepping stones toward a more empowered and fulfilling life. 

Please check out today's video for more ideas for using New Year's resolutions to empower your mental health. 

Gambling addiction recovery extends beyond breaking free from the grips of compulsive gambling. I learned the importance of identifying and cultivating healthier outlets for stress and excitement to prevent relapses and embrace a fulfilling life in recovery. My addiction was primarily fueled by excitement and stress, and in my recovery from gambling addiction, I have discovered activities that offer a sustainable and enriching alternative to gambling.

Stress and Excitement Outlets in Recovery from Gambling Addiction

First is physical exercise. I walk more now than I did when I was hooked on gambling. Besides walking, I have dabbled in cycling and occasionally hit the gym, proving a powerful antidote to stress. Exercising has become a way to channel excess energy and a surefire way to enhance my mental and physical health.

Practicing mindfulness and meditation in recovery from gambling addiction has also been a great help. I used to be strongly anti-meditation because I could never focus enough to get into the state of calm needed for meditation. However, since I began my recovery journey, I have been more intentional, and it has become easier for me to meditate. I’ve also found that mindfulness and meditation help me self-reflect and maintain emotional balance; thus, I’m able to manage my stress and anxiety better.

Indulging my creative tendencies, such as writing poetry, has given me a constructive channel for emotional expression during my recovery from gambling addiction. When stress or excitement strikes, channeling the feelings on pen and paper provides a healthy escape that ends with a great sense of accomplishment. It has also helped me reconnect with my passions.

As a generally introverted person, outdoor activities and social connections are my Achilles heel. Engaging in social activities takes a lot of mental preparation, but I have discovered that controlled exposure does wonders for my wellbeing. Now, I don’t automatically say no to social interactions or outdoor excursions. And through rebuilding my social circle and connecting with nature, I have developed a healthier, more balanced routine.

Distraction During Recovery from Gambling Addiction

Even as I’m partaking in these healthier habits, discovering new outlets for stress and excitement has become a great way to distract myself from my gambling compulsion. It has given me a renewed sense of purpose as I rediscover life and continue my gambling addiction recovery journey.

Check out the video below for more insight on the topic:

The road to recovery from borderline personality disorder (BPD) has been a tumultuous journey. You will get no arguments here. Life might be a tad smoother minus the BPD baggage, but catching those glimmers of hope and progress on the journey to recovery from BPD? That's where the real soulful rewards lie.

How to Recognize Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

First off, let's talk about healing along the road to borderline PD recovery reflected through stable and fulfilling relationships. Borderline personality disorder used to turn connecting with others into an emotional tug-of-war, but now, I find a more balanced and steady emotional landscape, fostering healthier interactions with friends, family, and partners. This looks like no longer feeling like a needy puppy when my favorite person or partner is away. Now, it's all about wrapping myself in the warm cloak of independence and relishing in sweet solitude when I need it.

A stronger sense of self-identity has emerged as another key sign of my progress. Borderline PD often left me grappling with an unstable sense of self, making it challenging to establish personal goals and aspirations. Now, I'm discovering a more solid foundation of self-awareness and a clearer understanding of my values, interests, and ambitions. No more strolling past those wonky funhouse mirrors when I glance at myself. My values are like my north star, leading the way through choices that sync up with my real, unfiltered self. 

On my road to BPD recovery, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries has become a more natural part of my journey. Borderline personality disorder often leads to difficulties in establishing boundaries, resulting in codependent or chaotic relationships. Now, it's all about ditching those destructive patterns. My therapist dropped this wisdom nugget: instead of being impulsive, aim for being intentional. I'm keeping that gem close. I've enhanced my problem-solving skills and decision-making abilities. The newfound clarity allows me to approach challenges more rationally and measuredly, reducing the tendency to react impulsively or catastrophically. 

Self-Discovery in Recovery from Borderline PD

One of the most empowering aspects of my borderline PD recovery is the ability to tolerate and navigate distress. Borderline personality disorder often involves a paralyzing fear of abandonment and an inability to cope with emotional pain. Now, I'm developing healthier coping mechanisms and facing distressing situations with resilience and adaptive strategies.

Check out my video below to explore how the road to borderline PD recovery is a path of self-discovery and growth. Recognizing these signs of progress reaffirms that the path toward recovery is not only possible but an ongoing and achievable process with dedication, support, and time.