Verbal abuse can happen in team sports. Sports have existed for thousands of years, available to people of all cultures and ages. Unfortunately, so has verbal abuse. When these two worlds integrate, the results can be devastating. Verbal abuse in team sports can come from coaches, players, parents, or spectators, affecting everyone. 

Verbally Abusive Coaching in Team Sports

Often, coaches will try whatever they can to motivate their team, including using verbal abuse in team sports. In some cases, they use verbal abuse as a tactic to inspire the players to try harder. While their intention may not be to cause harm, using verbal abuse in team sports can produce the opposite results. Coaches should never resort to insults, put-downs, or threats to make players behave the way they want. 

Players with a verbally abusive coach may lose respect for this authority figure and refuse to comply with their strategy. Alternatively, some athletes will take these words to heart, trying harder to gain acceptance from their coach. Both circumstances can produce a strained relationship between the coaching staff and their players. 

In one particularly upsetting game for my child, they complained about their coach and how this person spoke to the players during the game. I empathized with my kid, and told them that although the coach is a good technical coach, they aren't the best person to connect with children. 

I've coached several teams, while my children have enjoyed playing soccer, hockey, lacrosse, and more. I've been there when coaches lose their temper or find connecting with a kid on the team challenging. Thankfully, I could recognize how to diffuse these situations and was able to build a healthy relationship with the children. 

Verbal Abuse Among Players in Team Sports 

The competitive nature of sports can bring out the best in people but also the worst. The team dynamic can create rivalries between players or enhance feelings of self-doubt. All my children have participated in sports throughout their childhood, and I've seen how insults and negative words affect their performance. 

From blaming a goalie for losing a game to name-calling another player because they missed a shot, these actions are hurtful. Players who use verbal abuse in team sports create conflict and can divide a team, creating a challenging situation for working together. 

When verbal abuse occurs between athletes, emotions can get out of hand. Players may refuse to participate with someone else or go out of their way to avoid the other teammate. It's up to the coaches to observe these hurtful behaviors and help kids navigate these challenges without using verbal abuse in team sports. 

Where I live, coaches and players must sign a code of conduct. This agreement outlines proper rules for behavior while playing sports and outside the game. Each individual must recognize there are implications for their actions and agree to participate with respect for everyone.

I know sometimes tempers flare, and words get spoken that shouldn't be. However, coaches and players all need to be held accountable for their behaviors to help keep the world of sports a safe place for everyone to enjoy. In the end, it's just a game after all. 

Confession: I don't want to make eating disorder (ED) recovery resolutions this year. In the past, I have dutifully written an exhaustive list of all the milestones I intend to reach in my healing journey, but as 2024 rounds the corner, this ritual suddenly feels more like pressure than motivation. I am a firm believer that recovery is not about ticking off certain boxes or following an arbitrary schedule. I set goals for myself, but I have learned to release expectations as to when I might achieve them. Maybe I'll form a healthier relationship with my own body as soon as tomorrow—or maybe it will take me a lifetime. Either way, I am done trying to force specific outcomes, so I don't want to make ED recovery resolutions this year.

Instead of Making ED Recovery Resolutions

Even though I don't want to make ED recovery resolutions this year, I do think it's vital to remain conscientious and intentional about honoring the ED recovery process. Whenever I drift into a state of complacency, those old behaviors start to resurface, so how can I walk the line between releasing expectations and still hold myself accountable? The answer to that question is a continual work in progress, but instead of making ED recovery resolutions, here's how I plan to sustain my perennial commitment to healing in 2024—and beyond.

Are you tired of feeling the pressure to make ED recovery resolutions? Do you find this practice to be more stressful than helpful in the long term? Would you rather pursue a different course of action this year? How do you plan to focus on your healing commitments in 2024 without overwhelming yourself with a list of arbitrary goals and expectations? Please share your insights in the comment section below.

I've found that emotional flashbacks are not as commonly discussed as "regular" flashbacks in posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I questioned my diagnosis because I hadn’t been experiencing the common symptom of a “flashback.” Flashbacks are a major part of PTSD, typically occurring in the form of visual memory and negatively stimulating our physical senses. However, I learned that many people — myself included — experience “emotional flashbacks,” or intense feelings of fear, shame, anger, and despair that are associated with a specific trauma.

What Are Emotional Flashbacks?

According to the CPTSD Foundation, emotional flashbacks are “the triggering of emotions instead of the five senses.”¹ As with other flashbacks, a specific scent, place, person, or situation can trigger emotional flashbacks by causing a wave of extreme emotions that are difficult to regulate.

As someone who endured sexual assault at four years old, I often experience emotional flashbacks with my PTSD when it comes to intimacy. To this day, even when I’m in a healthy, loving, and consensual relationship, I still sometimes face heavy emotions like fear, disgust, embarrassment, and shame after getting close to a partner. Though I might not feel like I am physically back in the moment when I endured the assault, the debilitating rush of emotions can be just as overwhelming and confusing.

During emotional flashbacks, I often go into survival mode, dissociating and reverting to my childhood state of seeking validation and reassurance. No matter how much I tell myself, “I’m safe now,” my body just doesn’t feel that way.

How to Cope with Emotional Flashbacks

Emotional flashbacks can make you feel like you’re regressing on your PTSD journey, but your brain is trying to protect you. Here are some ways I support myself through emotional flashbacks:

• I identify when I'm triggered. Understanding triggers can help you anticipate and identify an emotional flashback so you’re prepared for and aware of its effects. For instance, I know intimacy can set off my PTSD, so I try to separate myself from any negative or obsessive emotions or thoughts that might occur after sex.
• I refrain from judging my emotions. Because of my trauma, I battle shame more than any other emotion. I often tell myself I’m being overdramatic and irrational or “acting like a child” when I have an emotional flashback with my PTSD. Rather than judging yourself and your reactions — which are driven by your trauma and do not define you — practice remaining neutral.
• I practice grounding techniques. While it might seem impossible to find control or peace during an emotional flashback in PTSD, try a grounding exercise that will bring you back into your body. Simple grounding techniques — like taking a warm shower, calling a loved one, or stepping outside — can help you get back in touch with the present moment.

Emotional flashbacks might make you feel unsafe and out of control, but you’re not alone — and they will pass. For more on emotional flashbacks and PTSD, watch this video:

Source

1. Davis, S. (2021, January 11). Managing Emotional Flashbacks | CPTSDfoundation.org. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/01/11/managing-emotional-flashbacks/

As uncomfortable as this feels to admit, my version of self-love is conditional. Memes and mantras extolling the virtues of radical self-love are splashed across my Instagram feed, but I can't seem to take in the message. I have no idea how to accept and affirm myself, no matter the circumstances. I measure my value in terms of factors like outward appearance, work achievements, fitness performance, and societal contributions. I know it's not right, but my version of self-love is purely conditional. Maybe I should get to the root of this issue in 2024. 

Why Self-Love Feels Conditional to Me at this Point

I have been in eating disorder recovery for a long time, which means I've heard just about all the self-love axioms. Intellectually, I recognize that I am valuable because I exist—full stop. But if I sincerely believed this, I would not experience such intense urges to prove or earn my own worth. Sure, there are moments when I'm proud of myself. I feel capable when I run fast or work hard. I feel satisfied when I complete a well-written article. I feel strong when I finish a strenuous exercise routine. I feel euphoric when I can look in the mirror without hating my reflection.

However, these qualifiers are image- or merit-based. They have nothing to do with who I am as a human. Acceptance with no strings attached continues to elude me because my version of self-love is conditional. To be honest, I'm not sure how to overcome this personal roadblock—or if I even want to right now. The concept of radical self-love does not feel authentic to me, and I have no desire to manufacture something that doesn't resonate in my soul. There might come a time when it does feel true, genuine, and accessible, but I'm not there yet. 

My Self-Love Is Conditional—But It's Also a Work in Progress

Of course, the goal is to love myself no matter what, and I hope to reach that milestone in the future. But at this moment, I will acknowledge that my version of self-love is still conditional. With that said, I believe personal growth is a continuous journey without a linear path or a clear destination, so I'll just take it one step at a time. Maybe in 2024, radical self-love will begin to feel as natural as breathing—or maybe it won't. Either way, I am a work in progress, and that's alright with me.

I just tested positive for COVID-19 on top of managing schizoaffective disorder and anxiety, and having just had the second of double knee replacements.

Testing Positive for COVID-19 with Schizoaffective Disorder

By “just tested positive,” I mean I tested positive for it today. I talked to my general practitioner, and he said that since I’m under 65, I just have to use over-the-counter treatments like acetaminophen. (For those over 65, there’s an anti-viral medication whose name sounds very similar to a psychiatric medication, so I’ve just been calling it by the psychiatric name. This amuses me. Hey, it’s important to keep a sense of humor.)

Despite my schizoaffective anxiety, I’m not very concerned about having COVID. I know a lot of people who have had it, and the only thing I worried about was contracting long COVID. But my doctor said that won’t happen with the strains that are out now. Also, I am fully vaccinated, and I don’t smoke or anything. Even my husband, Tom, is calling it quits as a smoker—the best Christmas present ever. And by the time this article goes live, this COVID bug should be gone.

COVID-19 and Schizoaffective Anxiety

I was very anxious about my husband’s health this fall. He had a large cyst in his neck, and I was afraid it was a tumor. After three tests, we found out it was benign. He has to get the cyst removed next week, and I was afraid he would have COVID, too, and would have to delay his surgery. But he tested negative for COVID. Hopefully, the surgery will stay on track.

It is astonishing to me that I have COVID. Because of my schizoaffective anxiety, I know I’m going to be wearing masks everywhere again and taking other precautions.

On one of our mother-daughter trips to Door County, my mom and I had just gotten the first two vaccinations, and we, like many people, thought we were invincible. We were sitting in a bar (I was drinking a ginger ale because, per my psychiatrist’s advice, I don’t drink alcohol); it was extremely crowded, and people were talking about how they hadn’t been vaccinated at all. We thought we were safe because we had been vaccinated, but we still felt vulnerable on our first time out in such a crowded space. We moved to stand by the door until our table in the restaurant was ready.

I’ve been vaccinated, and I’ve gotten every single booster shot I was supposed to get, and I still got COVID. I like to think that I’d be in a lot worse shape than I am now without all the injections. According to all the medical experts, that’s true.

Practicing self-care is not selfish. If you struggle with caring for your needs, you aren't alone. Individuals who are targets of verbal abuse often neglect themselves because they are hypervigilant about their abuser's behaviors. This increased alertness can cause extreme sensitivity to your environment, causing you to overreact in some situations. Living in this continuous state of fear and anxiousness drains you mentally and physically, creating a self-care deficit. It's important to learn that it's not selfish to practice self-care.

Verbal Abusers Try to Prevent Self-Care Because They Are Selfish

If you've experienced verbal abuse, you may recognize the overwhelming feelings of despair, fear, and low self-worth. Abusers will use their words and actions to reinforce these emotions, to keep you under their control. Finding ways to put yourself first and care for your needs can help you heal from verbal abuse. 

At one point in a past verbally abusive relationship, I started to gain some inner strength. I began to seek methods for healthy self-care, including private therapy, going to the gym, and forming relationships with people who were beneficial to my life.

Unfortunately, my abuser saw this independence as a threat and tried to forbid my involvement in these activities. Thankfully, I had a great support system in place that helped me break free from my abuser and move forward in my healing journey. My eyes opened to what life could be like as a healthy individual without verbal abuse. 

Therapy Helped Me Recognize Self-Care Isn't Selfish

Of course, I still had deep-rooted feelings of guilt and low self-worth years after escaping verbal abuse. Although I was no longer in a verbally abusive relationship, I didn't think I deserved to put myself first. I was raising children who needed me, and all my efforts went to them. 

Thankfully, the therapy I received helped me recognize that practicing self-care isn't selfish at all. I am not the best version of myself if I am overworked, exhausted, and mentally depleted. I am a better mother and wife when I take some time to focus on my physical and mental health. 

Some ways I incorporate self-care into my daily life are: 

• Getting enough sleep
• Eating well
• Avoiding excessive alcohol
• Participating in exercise
• Journaling
• Going to therapy regularly

It can sometimes be challenging to balance putting myself first, managing a work schedule, and caring for my family's needs. I am not perfect, and there are times when I still neglect myself. However, I am slowly finding the ideal balance that allows me to focus on my needs while managing my work and family life while knowing that it isn't selfish to practice self-care.

Putting your needs first isn't an easy task. It may take time to understand how much better you function when you make the time for self-care in your routine. In the end, we are all better people when we regularly care for our mental and physical needs. 

I often find that I experience high levels of anxiety during the holidays. This can make it difficult to enjoy the holidays and to experience the season's festivities. It's also difficult to appreciate the holidays with elevated anxiety.

But this doesn't mean that there aren't ways to cope so that you can enjoy the holidays even though your anxiety tends to run high. I've learned that the holidays are still something that can be enjoyed despite struggling with anxiety. Managing anxiety becomes key during this time.

Experiencing Anxiety During the Holidays

Coping with anxiety during the holidays starts with being self-aware, taking the time to self-reflect, and making a note of the symptoms I am experiencing and how they are making me feel. I also try to identify any particularly stressful situations that may be contributing to my anxiety. Identifying things that may be causing me to experience stress can help me come up with a solution if it is possible.

Sometimes, it isn't, though. Sometimes, I'm just anxious because this is a normal thing for me, but it doesn't mean I have to allow it to make things harder during the holidays.

I've experienced loss during the holiday season, and I know this is one of the reasons I'm often anxious during this time. But I also think it is related to pressures that are abundant during this time of year.

So, I might find myself worried and wondering what might happen instead of focusing on the here and now. I might find myself endlessly trying to please others instead of allowing myself to enjoy the time of year. I also might find myself feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions that I can't quite identify.

Managing Anxiety Over the Holidays

I've learned that practicing mindfulness strategies are critical for managing anxiety over the holidays. This includes paying attention to the present and grounding myself by focusing on what my senses are taking in. This also includes deep breathing exercises that I've found are also helpful.

Additionally, I use methods like journaling to sift through and organize my thoughts. This helps me feel more in control and less as though I am being overrun by racing thoughts. It also helps me to put my racing thoughts into perspective so that I can identify what I can control and things I may need to let go of.

Lastly, I try to focus on what the holidays are about. Feeling grateful, spending time with loved ones, and celebrating traditions -- these are all things that make the holidays meaningful for me. Reminding myself of all this and continuously reflecting on it helps me feel less anxious.

Below, I've included a video on how I manage my anxiety during the holidays. Share any strategies you use in the comments below.

Let's face it: navigating family interactions over the holidays can be stressful when you're queer or transgender. Some of us come from accepting families; some of us do not. Some of us have a mix of experiences with our families and face additional stressors over the holidays. The holidays are stressful for everyone, but they pose special challenges for transgender and queer people this time of year. Today, I'd like to break down some tips for navigating family at this time of year.

What Can a Queer or Trans Person Do to Navigate Family Over the Holidays Successfully?

Navigating family over the holidays is hard, but these tips can help: 

1. Practice saying "no." Is there a side of your family that is especially hateful? Is there a family member that loves to misgender you? Is there an uncle that always makes homophobic jokes? You don't owe it to anyone to put yourself through a painful or difficult family gathering. It is okay to say no. Sometimes, family members may try to guilt you into going to a gathering to make everyone feel comfortable but try to remember you don't owe anyone an explanation, and you deserve to take care of yourself. 
2. Know your limits. Before trying to navigate family over the holidays, know what kind of behavior you can and cannot tolerate. Decide ahead of time what your limits are. An example might be, "I am not okay with misgendering." When I was more newly out as transgender, I would always send an email before I went home to my close family members and remind them of the expectations about my pronouns. I also let them know that I would correct them if they were to misgender me. This ensured there weren't any surprises when I did speak up. 
3. "Go where it's warm." This is an expression I often hear in Al-Anon, a 12-step-oriented community to which I belong. I think it can be beneficial at this time of year. Essentially, it means going where the love is, focusing on where the love is. If this means you can't see your biological family this time of year and need to focus on your chosen family instead, then so be it. Focus on the relationships and people who lift you, affirm you, and celebrate you instead of banging your head against the wall trying to get your unaffirming family members to support you. 
4. Leave when you need to. This comes back to my second point about knowing your limits when navigating family. If a gathering begins to feel unsafe or you're getting constantly misgendered, and it's upsetting to you, it's okay to leave. You don't owe it to a homophobic or transphobic family member to stick it out if it's harming you. 
5. Identify which family members are allies. If you have no allies in your family, then I might recommend not going home at all during the holidays. If you do have family members who support you, ask them to help out with the misgendering and to correct people so you don't have to the whole time. Maybe have a code word with your safe family members that lets them know when you need to leave. When I am nervous about certain family gatherings, I stick close to these family members and try not to let them out of sight (I've done this at weddings and funerals, for example). 

One Final Tip for Navigating Family During the Holidays as a Trans Person 

I hope these tips have been helpful, and I wish you and your families, chosen or biological, a happy and healthy holiday season.

I'm proud of the little things. In today's world, we are supposed to accomplish significant life goals one after the other -- and celebrate them publicly. In the process, we often overlook small wins as if they don't matter. However, being proud of the little things makes life easier, more so when you frequently experience anxiety, depression, and stress.

Basic, Simple, Little Things Can Be Hard to Do

Just because something seems simple does not mean it is easy to do in real life. For example, eating breakfast every morning sounds simple. However, I am sure we can all think of at least one time when we were unable to have breakfast for some reason. Let's not dismiss the intricate tapestry that is our daily routine. But I digress. 

The point is that basic things can be hard to do, and this is harder when you live with some mental illness or are prone to emotional overwhelm. As a result, one must celebrate little wins, no matter how trivial they seem. I have found that when I celebrate small things, it's easier for me to appreciate life's everyday seemingly insignificant moments. Being proud of the little things, like eating a healthy meal on time, also makes life easier to navigate because it cultivates mindfulness. Mindfulness, or living in the present moment, is crucial when it comes to coping with both anxiety and depression. 

Little Things Lead to Big Victories

Celebrating the little things will lead you to bigger victories; this is the power of observing small wins. Once you are aware of the many little tasks you accomplish regularly, you will likely be motivated to achieve bigger life goals. Recognizing and enjoying small wins makes you aware of your capabilities and creates a positive feedback loop. I've found this loop fuels motivation and resilience that I draw on to achieve bigger goals. I speak from personal experience when I say you are more likely to meet the deadline at work when you celebrate little wins than when you don't.

In fact, a few years ago, I used to keep a record of small wins on my phone and read them whenever I felt low. I will start journaling again because I have been feeling diffident lately. And I know one way to quiet the negative chatter in my head is to be proud of the little things. In a culture that glorifies the extraordinary, let's not forget that the ordinary has value too.  

Career development is a priority for me, and while navigating the professional world is tricky enough, throwing in the challenges that come with managing a mental illness with a career makes the situation even more difficult. As someone who struggles with focus and drastically fluctuating energy levels, work can feel impossible, leaving me emotionally and mentally drained. The desire to succeed professionally can be much more difficult when there are extra mental obstacles, but there are ways to make the process easier. Having a mental illness and a career is possible.

A Career with Mental Illness Has Intense Challenges

One of my biggest struggles in my career with mental illness is productivity guilt. I find myself struggling to pay attention to tasks, hopping from one thing to the next, often leaving me asking myself, “Wait, what did I even get done today?”

Another issue is my varying energy levels. In a depressive episode, I may spend 20 minutes trying to muster up the energy for even a short meeting. My memory isn’t as sharp, my creative side is burned out, and I feel like I’m dragging the team’s mood down, leaving me wondering why I can’t be “better."

Ways to Manage a Career When You Have a Mental Illness

Keeping Open Communication with Your Workplace

Sharing a mental illness diagnosis with a manager or boss is scary. “Will they fire me?”, “What if they just think I’m lazy,” or “Will they think less of me?” are questions that fill my head.

With every position I’ve had, I’ve been open about my mental health background, sharing my situation and how it impacts my day-to-day work. I’ve explained that sometimes I will find the energy to go above and beyond my duties, and other times, I may perform at a level that isn’t always consistent. I may even seem disengaged or upset.

Each time I’ve had this conversation, it’s been positive. My managers have been able to understand me better, and I’m released from a fear of being seen as “lazy” or “inconsistent” when I am truly trying my best. 

It’s scary, but employers are humans, too; they’ve had their fair share of bad and good days as well. And if they’re not supportive, what do you do? You might consider that the company may not be a good fit, and prioritizing a role that doesn’t hurt your mental health is important.

Workplace Accommodations and Self-Care

Sharing your situation opens a bridge to asking for helpful accommodations. For example, I had a job where there was a rule against listening to music at your desk. I mentioned my struggles with focusing because of the constant phone calls around me. My manager had no idea how much the distraction was hurting my work and encouraged me to use my music as a way to block it out. I was able to be more productive, which pleased both my manager and myself.

I’ve also created self-care strategies for when I’m feeling overwhelmed at work. That includes stepping away from my desk to go on a walk, finding a quite empty room, or finding something that will distract me for a while, like a book. It gives me some time to reset and fuel my internal battery. 

Having a career when you have a mental illness is a challenge I continue to struggle with. It can be guilt-inducing, draining, and scary. But prioritizing self-care breaks, communicating needs, and giving yourself grace are great steps in the right direction.