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A few days ago, my schizoaffective anxiety almost convinced me that I was dying--again. Here’s what happened.
Relapse is a possibility every self-harmer faces during recovery—but is it normal to miss hurting yourself once you get clean?
I wrote many blog posts this past year about my struggles late last summer with weeks of acute panic and anxiety that left me traumatized. I attended weekly therapy and worked hard for almost a year to get to a point where I could finally revisit the place where the worst of the trauma occurred, which I did, successfully. With that said, I'm wondering if therapy still makes sense for me.
Surviving borderline personality disorder (BPD) is no small victory. I am incredibly grateful to myself for choosing life at a time when my pain seemed infinite. Last time I spoke about why I did not consider suicide as a child. This time, I talk about why I did consider suicide as an adult. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
When we think of ways to counter attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), sleep may not be at the top of anyone's list. However, enforcing sleep hygiene is an incredible tool I use for suppressing ADHD-related symptoms. Along with medication and exercise, good sleep hygiene forms the backbone of my attack on ADHD. My body took a while to adjust to a firm schedule, but it was worth persevering as the benefits of sleep can't be overestimated. 
Public speaking is an act that has typically triggered my anxiety. I had to work on it for several years to get to a point where I could manage my public speaking anxiety and anxiety in general.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex posttraumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD). It saddens me to think about the experiences and accomplishments I may have missed out on due to my ongoing battle with mental illness. While it's impossible to know the life I could have had, it's an interesting thought experiment to look back and imagine how things could have turned out differently. What if I'd led a life without mental illness?
Today we'll discuss how not to hate your life. But first, in the last post, I suggested that we ought to drive a wedge between the mechanism by which we understand the world—our brains—and the product of that understanding—ourselves. In the end, I declared that you are pure observation. If you're still scratching your head about this, an easier way to view it is to equate yourself with your experience of reality, keeping in mind that said experience is mediated completely by your brain. It's critical you understand this. Because if you don't, you won't understand that your experience of reality and reality itself has very little to do with each other. The latter is unyielding. The former is entirely subject to the direction it's pointed in.
Antipsychotics are a class of medications that many people don't like to take. In fact, I was terrified of the notion that it was even a possibility once upon a time. But antipsychotics are often used to treat bipolar disorder and some depression, along with illnesses like schizophrenia, with which we classically associate psychosis. But even though antipsychotics are approved for use in those areas — thus proving they do work for some with those illnesses — people still don't like to take antipsychotics. Why don't people like to take antipsychotics? Well, if you're me, it's because you've tried them.
In this podcast episode, "Snap Out of It!" is pleased to speak with award-winning podcaster and mental health advocate Gabe Howard. Gabe has lived with bipolar and anxiety disorders since 2003. Gabe has a harrowing tale of when he was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Not only does he speak to what it is like to work with bipolar disorder before being diagnosed, but he also speaks to what it is like to “come out” at work and, finally, be fired because of bipolar disorder.

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Comments

Laura A. Barton
First off, Sean, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this low. I've gone through similar feelings myself, and I know it's anything but easy to deal with. Some of these words feel like you've pulled them straight out of my own head. I notice you mention 2020 as a particularly triggering year, and the world's circumstances could have definitely had a big role in stirring up these feelings for you. Things—and us as people—were certainly shaken up. Your feelings are totally valid, and if you haven't taken the step to do so yet, I truly recommend reaching out for professional help. They'll be able to offer tools and strategies to alleviate some of what you're feeling. HealthyPlace's resource pages are linked above in this blog, but if you need them again, here they are:

- https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/suicide/suicide-suicidal-thoughts-and-behaviors-toc
- https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources
Elizabeth Caudy
Dear Genevieve, Thank you for your comment. I think it's excellent that you are planning on moving where you need to be to support your son. Having a home base really helped me when I was at SAIC and also in grad school. I applaud you for doing this for your son. It couldn't hurt to wade into community college before a 4-year institution. I didn't say this in my article, but I took a class at a small college before beginning classes at SAIC. Thanks again, and good luck to you and your son! Best, Elizabeth
Marie
mango
They're certainly good at projecting how everyone else needs to take responsibility for their actions.
ash
i am cutting for 4 moths now..its terrible it gets worser and just want to attempt suicide...my friend i name her "S" gets trough alot of pain to..she wnats to attempt suicide to an has a bad eating disorder(me to btw) but she has shit parents they dont even care bout her my parents in that way are littlle bit nicer but idk what to do i am aslogoing trough pancick attacks and i have anxiety how can in help 'S' and myself? xxx, ash