Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

Wednesday, January 22 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

Author: Kellie Jo Holly

View all posts by Kellie Jo Holly.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

Karen Blanco
says:
January, 22 2014 at 7:04 pm

Thank you!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lin
says:
May, 23 2018 at 7:49 pm

I cannot reiterate that sentiment enough . 'Thank you' seems ,in some ways, too little for me to say. This is Not to denigrate Karen - far from it. I thank You Karen, for your post. This is the first site (of many), which makes absolute sense to me. It takes the blame Off me for staying in an abusive relationship! Everything is starting to explore. Gaslighting, Yes; brainwashing, Yes. I'll continue to read,and post again, but meantime, may I applaud anyone who is in an abusive relationship,and trying to make sense of it. I've spent 16 years doing this and finally, there is enlightenment. Congratulations,and as Karen said - Thanks.

Joelene
says:
July, 23 2018 at 1:59 pm

I am in a relationship for 6.5 years and I have a 5 year old child and 2 sons from a previous marriage....I live with an abusive man who belittle me every chance he gets.i am never right no matter what....he controls me to the point of telling me what colour lipstick I should wear.He also tells me what to wear...I have finally come to the realisation that I want out,but we have a child together and his telling me he will never allow me to have custody of the child,because I came from an physical abusive marriage,he calls me names and we happy one day and sad the next I never know what will trigger him.He is a successful insurance manager and thinks everything is about money.....I pray for strength

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ts
says:
June, 10 2018 at 12:53 am

Thank you for this... I’m on the verge of leaving after 27 years yes 27 years of my life wrapped up in abuse. Not easy , no emotions left, planning stage trying to be very organized.. no where to go, no family, kids grown but he will harass them if they help me. Ready to go far away to stay safe. He will hurt me badly this time. Thank you for your info.

fiona jack
says:
June, 25 2018 at 9:11 pm

I don't know why I have to be abused but I can't leave him.I love him unconditional,

Selena
says:
July, 10 2018 at 12:42 am

You love him but he doesn’t love u. Don’t be naive. Get out, get over that thought. Someone who loves u won’t hurt u. #period.

Rose
says:
July, 29 2018 at 7:15 am

Hi I feel for you I Truly do and pray the best for you in your new life I am in the same situation as you, after 19 years of marriage (first) and I promised God i would never leave and he knows this so he takes advantage of that I think but I am ready to leave and see what a real life feels like, I was a foster child so no family, I don't have friends, well 1 but lives in New Mexico, I do have 3 kids but live to far away and I have Anxiety so afraid to drive in unfamiliar areas I have a business but would need a huge truck to pack up and leave plus no strength to lift all the boxes up and down 2 flights of stairs because of degenerate disk disease so I feel stuck, my business requires a computer so never learned how to fix things on it or how to set it up, there are cameras outside the house so he would know when I leave, luckily though he drives truck for a living but he can be home withing 8 hours and would have to find a place that accepts pets as he brought home a German Shepperd plus we already had a German Shepperd and I have a cat, I have a fear he will harm them if I leave them behind, He has called me every name in the book and says I am the way I am because of my F--- up life, I am a nut case a lunatic mental etc Oh and the big one I am a Fat F---ing Slob, I can rarely do anything right in his eyes. I think the first thing i need to do is start getting Organized my self, I was going to say how but because my husband knows computers very well he will most likely read this message so will try to figure out how to get to the History and delete this message, I wish there was somehow we could talk because I really need a friend who understands the hurt we all face

Sue reilly
says:
July, 29 2018 at 2:37 pm

Hi Rose, you are not alone , I’m been marriage for 30 years and 15 years] go last he became a drug user and abuiser , I loss my 2 daughters respect and grand children all because I wasn’t aware what abuise was and when it started I just had an Annersyum operation , then many illness that followed I do have degenerate back disease ,to I just about can walk, 26 surgeries on my hands plastic joint keep breaking them. I’m stuck with absolutely no one , how do Ipack up and leave and get some where so I stay and let my self feel less than because I know it’s wrong. . I ended up with ptsd , no children and grandchildren you can’t imagine the pain and loneliness I feel on mother’s day holidays, I pray that I will die soon. This fate of living with mental and verbal abuise There are times I wish he would die , maybe prison is the answer . I do know how you feel not many people can understand why do you stay with a person you longer love , I just pray to die early yes we need friends who are in the same place we need comfort .

Sharon Blanchard
says:
January, 27 2014 at 4:10 pm

If only I had known some of theses facts years ago, I would have been more prepared for today.Narcs are silent killers and get away with abuse and destroy lives.

Sheryl
says:
February, 16 2014 at 11:40 am

I really needed to read this article. I'm so confused, because on one level I know what my husband does is abusive...but on another level I think I'm wrong and just expect unreasonable things from him.

To me, this is my first step - to try and regain a grasp of reality. Thank you.

suman
says:
February, 21 2014 at 9:30 am

What r the coping strategies for a woman in her golden years, not plsnning to divorce, other options, married to a narcissist controlling, angry,verbally abusive man for 25+years.he keeps me away from his children, had long vacations alone.
No love, caring or empathy for me, feel abonded despite me meeting all his needs and living him.
Thanks

starlette
says:
March, 4 2014 at 1:46 pm

Thank you for this blog. It will help me to help others going through abusive relationships. Many of them are so blinded by the abuse. They believe their spouse will eventually change. Again, thank you.

starlette
says:
March, 4 2014 at 1:54 pm

Have you ever wondered why we have been in so many relationships to find that they did not work? We have spent countless years with this person trying to make it work. Have you ever wondered why we stayed in these relationships as long as we did? Have you ever wondered why we have attached ourselves to people who did not have our best interest at heart? Maybe we have become a “broken rib” and need healing from within and without as we share our journey from hurt, pain, guilt and remorse to wellness, forgiveness, happiness, joy and strength.

Jennifer Hernandez
says:
March, 22 2014 at 1:00 am

Thank you so much for this information. For almost a year, I was taken into a place that was so unfamiliar. He only made me feel good before and during sex. More than ever, our fights and arguments has turned from bad to worse and very ugly. I refused to accept the negative adjectives he uses to describe me. The accusations he has made about my character are wrong. I can't believe that ihave fallen for someone so evil. I ccant believ that there are actually people like him on earth.. Thank you for giving me the courage to pack my bags and leave.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Miranda
says:
May, 18 2018 at 12:02 am

I am in the same boat. I need to leave but just haven’t. What made you finally leave and how did you do it?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Thelma
says:
July, 13 2018 at 7:48 pm

I am going through the same thing for 16 yrs now. I want to leave but I am scared. How did you do it?

Angela McLaurin
says:
March, 25 2014 at 8:45 am

You can't believe in yourself because they have you convinced that you can't make it without them . you feel alone and scared for your life.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sharon
says:
June, 10 2018 at 6:32 am

You're so right hun, my abuser does the same thing, I suffer with servere mental health and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorders, anxiety, avoidant personality etc. Because I don't have any family he convinces me I will not survive without him, if I can survive his abuse for 13yrs. I'm sure I can live the rest of my life without him x

Cienicea
says:
May, 17 2014 at 4:19 pm

I feel like this is the first time someone's really given me legit advice on my situation. I get so tired of hearing people say things like " just leave him, your better than that"... all that stuff. It never helps. Thank you for being the first person to understand my situation, just to read this article has helped in so many ways. Thank you for being real.

Andrea
says:
June, 5 2014 at 12:42 am

Thank you. The ideas that you have shared are very empowering.

Fred
says:
June, 9 2014 at 8:47 pm

"You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it."

This is sooooooo true. I can't tell my partner anything about my past, desires, frustrations, bad days at work, anything. Anything I say can and will be used against me when she feels like it.

And, a source of frustration for me right now ...

And the bit about isolation is so true too. Whenever I see my family, there's a debt that's hard to pay. But I have decided to try to stay connected with family. I would add friends, but I really don't have any right now.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Olivetree
says:
July, 26 2018 at 9:28 am

Hi. You can be my freind. My situation is like yours

evelyn brandt
says:
July, 16 2014 at 2:26 pm

I feel I am to old to leave my husband and I do not know how to be alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Maureen
says:
June, 22 2018 at 6:41 am

Same here. Where do we start again. With not enough money for two households and i have distanced myself so far from people that i just dont have anyone. Not easy when you are going 65

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kate
says:
July, 30 2018 at 9:53 pm

Evelyn, have you made the break? You are not too old. I am 74 and am leaving my husband.

jasmin
says:
August, 13 2014 at 10:38 am

Thank you

melball
says:
August, 18 2014 at 4:05 pm

I decided to leave my verbally ebusive relationship today and I am still in denial and think well I could just go back and it would be easier but I also think my 2 children are the ones suffering and I can't go back we all deserve to be happy so I have to be strong and stand by the decisions and NOT go back and it is hard

green pixie
says:
September, 8 2014 at 9:42 pm

Thank you for this article and for your supportive, non-judgemental approach. It has only "dawned" on me recently -much to my surprise and horror- that my partner could possibly be abusive. Previously, I was fairly judgemental of people who stayed with abusive partners but now I can understand just how complex, confusing and difficult it can be to leave an abusive situation.
My own experience is that leaving can be so very difficult because:
* Sometimes emotional abuse is very difficult to identify and even name. Some abuse is so subtle and "clever" that people may not even realise it's abusive (myself included). It can just be that sickening feeling deep down that something is wrong and feeling terribly upset/distressed by certain behaviours or words from your partner but you can't think straight or even articulate WHY you feel this way.
* Abusive people can be highly intelligent and convincing in their arguments so that you do really end up believing the problem is YOU and that the difficulties in the relationship are due to your own issues, faults and failings. Therefore, you keep trying to make things better, "work" on the relationship and "improve" yourself etc.
* It is still possible to truly CARE about the person who is abusive (though maybe this is an illusion?). He obviously has some deep issues and as a compassionate person, I can see his pain and find it hard not to want to help him, even if he sometimes deeply hurts or frightens me.
* These relationships overall are very "difficult", taxing and draining. I can feel so engulfed by my relationship and all its complexities that I don't even have the energy to begin to do all the things necessary to leave (finding a new house, buying a car, getting a different job and whatever else...)
* My partner CAN be incredibly sweet, caring and look after me well. We DO have some fun/interesting/nice times together. So when abusive behaviour does happen, it is so disorientating, confusing and almost surreal that I am paralysed by shock and disbelief. When things go back to "normal" and he is being sweet again, it almost feels like it never happened so I deny or lessen it in my mind or start to believe, "perhaps I am the crazy one" (overreacting, imagining things, being too sensitive, being "forgetful" etc - as he has suggested).
* You do just feel SO alone when awful things happen and "paralysed" as to where to go or what to do so it can feel like the best/easiest thing is simply to stay, try not to say or do anything to "set them off" again and simply hope things improve.

Reading blogs and information like this is so helpful in feeling less alone; in feeling less "crazy"; that perhaps it's not ME and that it's not my fault I've ended up in this situation. I am not going to beat myself up for choosing to stay for now. I do hope to have the strength and courage to leave if/when the time is right and if things don't change. Until then, I will definitely try to use your suggestions to lessen the impact of any abusive behaviours/words that may occur and to use this time in my life to become a stronger person.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

“B”
says:
May, 23 2018 at 12:31 am

Everything you said I go thru, literally just happened to me today

May, 23 2018 at 3:29 am

B, I'm so sorry for everything you have been suffering. I'm so glad you found us here at Healthy Place, we have a wealth of information, articles, and resources that may bring you comfort or guide you on your path. Please reach out to us anytime. Thanks, and hang in there, I'm rooting for you. -Emily

evon
says:
May, 27 2018 at 1:14 am

I would go fishing with my boyfriend early in the morning and he would be nice until we left the maverick, and he berate me for ,25 minutes, n I could not say anything cause , he would use it against me

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Beee
says:
May, 30 2018 at 1:07 pm

Wow this sounds exactly like my situation. In a sense I feel like I need to try and help him because I know he has anxiety problems and I try to understand his issues with trust. Like you when we are good we are soooo good, he is so sweet is like we are doing great but then out of nowhere or if there’s a trigger things go downhill quick. No matter what, I feel like I can’t walk away like something in me won’t let me. I just need to be there and I dnt know what it is I almost feel crazy for putting up with it. I always feel like if only we could get through those problems we could be great together. He has now decided that he will go to therapy but I dnt know. Sometimes I feel emotionally drain and I feel my anxiety act up. I am just not ready to walk away even though somethingnin tells me to leave sometimes. It’s like there’s something always pulling me back to him.

Anna
says:
July, 27 2018 at 7:09 am

I've felt this for 20 years and after surrenduring all of my income to him for numerous "business opportunities" and "companies" he has started and never been able to fulfill, I've began having panic attacks at the thought of letting him continue to control my finances. So, I've been studying the traits of abusers. I've found that he fits the clinical definition of psychopath perfectly and at first I was horrified at what I'd let be done to me, and how I've ignored my gut feelings all these years, how much of my life has been wasted on the hopes of false promises of all these great rewards that were supposed to come .... at 20, He told me in 10 years if I supported him, he'd help me become wealthy and independent. Then at 10 years of surrenduring all my money (oh wait, I was allowed to keep 10%)... we were always "almost there". We only ever needed another 6-18 months.

When I came to MY personal boundary- 40 years old- Unfreaking believable- he still one last time gas lighted and guilted me, and threatened me with being cut off from other people I love. It was a horribly verbally and emotionally abusive scene, which his 20 year old daughter over heard and recognized as toxic. Long story short- keep reading and educating yourself, as horrific as it might sound, yes I've chosen to stay in this relationship until I can figure out how to let go. I'm closer every day.

Keep going! You'll find your way. Thank goodness for websites like this for us "inbetweeners" who are just beginning to realize what is going on, but not quite sure what to do next or where to turn.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sandcastle
says:
June, 11 2018 at 6:54 pm

I've been in this abusive relationship for 17 years now. I suffer from bipolar disorder, and he always says I'm crazy, degrades and humiliates me, physical abuse stopped several years ago due to restraint orders that I ended up dropping, because he wouldn't be able to see his children if he went to jail. 3 nights ago, I woke up suffocating, as he was forcefully Applying pressure on my CPAP mask, blocking the co2 vent. He said the mask was leaking air, and it was keeping him awake. I went to the police department, and the officer started screaming at me "Why did you wait until 1:00 in the afternoon to come here? He doesn't realize the strength it took me to walk through the police station doors. I had a hemorrhage in my left eye, probably due to the lack of oxygen. I took several selfies of it. Some days, I wish he'd just finish me off, I died emotionally years ago, I'm sure he'll get away with killing me physically. Seeing my therapist tomorrow.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

rose
says:
July, 29 2018 at 7:43 am

WOW Very powerful I am going through the exact same thing & feelings. Half of me wants to stay and work things out the other half just wants to see what normal feels like I feel like I am tied up and can't get loose, he has called me every name in the book and then turns the argument around and puts the blame on me and off him as if I am abusing him. I lost it yesterday on our way home from Wal-mart after he said I was the one arguing so like usual he has to put me down in front of people so I figured I would give him a taste of his own medicine so started yelling back at him (yes in public) I hated it but I lost it, on the way home it hit me, I need to get out of this, Can't really go anywhere without him arguing, I can't talk to him about my feelings because he calls it the blame game or he talks over me so loud so then I just stuff all the feelings back inside my box, I now have health issues all related to stress, stress that I have had since I was a little girl, I am now 54 years old no friends no family (foster child) what am I supposed to do I am new to this, he will say I let my emotions get in the way. What exactly does that mean as I truly do not know? I am very forgetful probably because of all the verbal abuse I have lived with, am I really a crazy, mental lunatic that he says I am?

bella
says:
October, 16 2014 at 6:29 am

I want to leave. I have divorce papers ready to be filed. The trouble is he is not letting me go. He is doing everything he can to keep me. I feel like he locked himself in and now refuses to let go. I've experienced everything from him crying, begging, pleading, threatening to take his own life to now being the "model" husband and father. He knows I don't want to involve the police and expose that situation to my children. Especially considering he has said that he will "make" the police shoot him. So now what?

at
says:
October, 21 2014 at 5:32 pm

Green pixie you explain the way I feel so perfectly I feel the same way.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

j
says:
August, 13 2018 at 1:39 pm

Yes green pixie is 100% accurate on every detail. Thank you for your words. You have no idea how empowering they are. My (now ex boyfriend of only 30 hours) never lived with me, however, in his mind, my home had become his because he slept here 3 nights a week when my daughters are w my ex husband. I felt like I was in a hostage situation because so many times that I did break it off or did no contact, he manipulated me w promises of change. I was/am in love w him, so I always gave him another chance...until yesterday. I had enough of the verbal abuse..at times physical, be it mostly minor shoving or grabbing..it had escalated to a slap last month that gave me a fat lip (he doesn't even remember he was so drunk) and lately, public humiliation. But the terror and threat of violence was always there. It all finally came to a head during a weekend camping trip w many other friends/couples. I woke at 7am yesterday and left camp ground. I told him he's no longer welcome in my life or home As scared as I was I remained strong & brief in my texts. Of course, he texted constantly..all day but I did not respond with anything except to let him know I took his few items of clothing, work stuff etc. to his house and there was nothing he needed to come here for. Knowing he had a key, I barricaded my front door w heavy hutch/furniture. I really did not think he'd come to my house. He doesn't have a license (lost in 2015 for 10 yrs from 3rd DUI) At 10pm, I heard him from my bedroom bust through barricade & enter front door. I immediately called the police. The key btw is something I so generously shared w him only recently after 3 years of dating. It was more a matter of convenience w our different work schedules. I did not want him to have a key really. But I saw it as a token of trust...that he could trust me. Thought it might calm him. He had said his troubled mind and behavior stems partly from past relationships where he was cheated on. So I was hopeful that he would lighten up if I allowed him full access. I gave him everything. Including full financial support during years of lay offs from carpenters union. I am a classic victim of the CEO of narcissism. Or was. The police came quickly and he ran off of course. After that I drove to a 24 hour Walmart for new lock. I changed the lock @ midnight and today I am here reading exactly what I needed to hear! The best advice I can offer to anyone reading (only a tiny glimpse into my 2 1/2 years of hell) is to cut off all contact. Do not reply to anything after you've left. Through my own determination, loving myself and my daughters way more than I ever loved him & of course Gods strength, I will never go back with him. My best advice to you and myself....no contact!

anonymous
says:
October, 23 2014 at 3:47 am

what do you do when you are in an extremely physically and mentally abusive relationship where the man doesn't care if you leave and you are desperately hanging on just wanting to be loved and accepted by him? or maybe he actually will flip out if you leave and his method of keeping you is to make you feel like he doesn't care about you and you are worthless and have to constantly fight for his approval. maybe that's his tactic. when i started dating him, he saved me from an abusive relationship. it took me almost a year to open up to him but he kept telling me every day what a beautiful human being i was and how i deserved to be loved and spoiled and he told me every day that it was ok to love him and that he wouldn't hurt me. eventually i believed him. he made me feel so safe. i eventually discovered that he is very bipolar and at times i believe he is a sociopath. he has stabbed me with a tv antenna, puched me in my neck twice, once so hard that he blew out my eardrum, stabbed himself in his arm to the bone in front of me and my children with plans to kill us both but he stopped because the children were witnesses, he has choked me, punched me, broken a chair over my head, punched me repeatedly in the stomach until i vomited, drop kicked me onto pavement, and said unimaginable things that would make any human being feel so worthless that they contemplate ending their own life because their feeling of self worth has been brought down to zero. how do you leave a man that you love so much that when you do have little break ups, you lose 10 lbs in 6 days from the devistating heart break and have to see a doctor because you can't even hold down water? how do you rationalize loving someone with every ounce of your soul when they are so horrible to you? how do you not question your own sanity for feeling this way? he is very very calculating and manipulative, he almost reminds me of charles manson with the way he can make you believe anything he wants you to believe even though you know in your heart it's not the truth. why is it that my fear of the pain i will endure if i lose him is stronger than my fear for my life? i feel like i am desensotized and i'm just riding the wave until he eventually kils me. he tells me almost every day that he wants me to die and he wants to kill me and has urges to cut my belly open and play with my organs. how do you even cope with something like that being said to you? i think it is just so unbelievable to me that the man i have loved for 8 years and have known for almost 20 years is actually that crazy so i just disregard the things he says because i can't begin fathom him actually being serious when he says things like that. he hid that side of him very well for years. he told me his soul purpose of making me fall inlove with him was so he could break me down and destroy me because he felt as though i had rejected him once when we were younger. i have continued living this insane torturous life with him for so long that it has robbed all of my hope, energy, and dreams in life. i feel like my life is worth nothing and that i will die and my children will be without a mother, yet i have absolutely no strength and no desire to leave him. he said he read books on how to make a woman fall inlove with you so that he could make me fall head over heels just so he could hurt me. my head tells me this is very wrong but my heart won't allow me to let him go and i just can't make sense of it. he can be so good when he wants to be, the sex is amazing and he can make so many promises and have me convinced that if i prove myself to be worthy, he will be good to me. i find myself constantly giving and trying and loving him with everything in me that i have nothing left for myself, my family, or my children. i need help but how do i get help when i can't help myself. how do i leave when i am so terrified of the pain i will feel when he is gone? i desperately hold on to the good moments because i know they don't last long and i have myself convinced that the suffering i endure in this relationship is less than the pain i endure when he leaves. we had split up for 3 years at one point and the second he showed back up on my doorstep, all the feelings came back and i was back inlove or what i think is love anyway. i can't get over him, i have tried and tried but all it takes is to see his face one time and i'm back to where i started. how do you end such a toxic, dangerous relationship? how do you break free from something like this? i feel like no matter what happens, he wins and i lose. if i leave, i will be the broken one and he will just move on with someone else without even flinching and i will just be left alone with no one. please someone tell me what to do!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
October, 23 2014 at 4:44 am

<em>Please, please, please</em> seek therapy and attend domestic violence support groups! You know what you're doing is bad for you. You need the support from others to get away and stay away.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

UnicornMagic
says:
May, 12 2018 at 1:07 am

I am worried for you anonymous, do you have a safety plan in place? You should find a local therapist to talk to. This sounds like a very dangerous situation.

Sharon
says:
June, 10 2018 at 6:56 am

Could you please give me advice on how to do a safety plan. My ex won't leave, I've told him I don't love him anymore and I don't. But he says he will burn the house down with me in it. I have no family to turn to. And I'm so ready to leave this relationship, thing is injunction etc will not stop him, in the past when an injunction was in place he broke in and waited for me to come home he battered me and stole my money. He tells me I need him and that I won't survive without him because of my mental health as I struggle to go to the shop alone because of my anxiety. He's right I will find it hard to be on my own, last time I tried to take my life. I'm feeling stronger and I think I'm almost out of my mental prision. Im struggling with a safety plan, I was going to try another injunction would love any advice, thanks in advance xx

Sandcastle
says:
June, 12 2018 at 10:45 am

I know exactly what you are dealing with. Don't feel alone please..I spoke with my therapist this morning, my boyfriend has done horrific things to me, I'm estranged from family and friends. These abusers are monsters that brought us into their world for their enjoyment. I too have been on life support due to an overdose several years ago. Speak to someone, maybe a hotline, to put a plan in action. Don't let anyone know what you are doing. Keep one thing in mind, there's a SPECIAL place in hell for these despicable monsters. Stay safe

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Me
says:
July, 11 2018 at 12:28 am

I so hope you are still alive.

hume
says:
October, 24 2014 at 3:41 am

Green Pixie and at, I am in the exact same boat as well... thank you for writing this so clearly.

someone
says:
October, 25 2014 at 4:53 am

I'm 27 yrs old and I've been putting up with my husband since I was 16 I don't know anything else but him. So it scares me to leave I've never worked in my life I got to small kids and I can't seem to leave them so I can work and plus he doesn't let me anyways.this really helps to have someone understand what I'm going through I can't leave him because my children love their dad and he's a good father don't get me wrong. I can't leave because of my children that's my reason but inside I'm screaming to get out.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sentaoleng
says:
June, 25 2018 at 9:19 pm

also going thrh that .I CNT just leave ,wat WL hppn to my 1 year old son,he luvs his dad .to be honest I luv him and WL do anything for him BT deep down i m l0okng for help...this blog really hlps m to shre wats eating m ..I HV this anger in me,also angry for no reason

helena
says:
October, 26 2014 at 3:26 pm

I dont know where to start except. That im scared to leave we never had issues until we lost everything. Money home cars and he says its all my fault he began to hit me about two years ago sometines i get brave enough to talk back when there is people around and then i catch myself and i know its best to shut my mouth i know in my heart that he will never stop my son has seen it and yet i stay because im scared i know that if i could one day have the courage. To leave me and my son will be just fine

maggiie
says:
October, 26 2014 at 6:47 pm

I think i abuse my boyfriend. I dont know why i do it. I truly love him and dont want to hurt him. But dont know how to stop myself.

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