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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

2014, January 22 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Mercedes
says:
April, 28 2019 at 9:20 pm
I am currently trying to leave my marriage of 5 years. We have 3 young girls together and they are what keep me here. My husband was physically abusive along with emotional at the beginning of our marriage. But now it's emotional and financial. He abused my son as well. My son is not with us as of last September because my husband and him had a fight and my son ran and is now with my mom.
My story has so many twists and turns to it. So many people(children), DCF, courts,lawyers, GAL involved.
I'm tired, tired of always being wrong, tired of feeling crazy, of questioning everything, tired of wondering what the next moment I talk to him is goingvto be like. I just agree, I have no opinion anymore, I have no voice and I hate this person I am. I'm afraid to get him mad...they're just words and it's only for a bit that he'll yell and harass me...well maybe he'll keep on for a few days, months, years depending on how it effects him. But I'm afraid.
He says how loving a husband and father he is, how he's done so much for all of us, how he'll do anything to save our marriage, but if I mention abuse...forget it.
He constantly wants me to lie about situations and our relationship to investigators.
So, right now he's being nice. He's helping around the house, helping with the girls, asking how my son is, wanting to reunite the family. But he won't do counseling, won't work with DCF. Did I mention he has court coming up with his ex for modification of custody and I'm suppose to testify.
I've been trying to build the courage to leave, I have a lawyer, I have support...but He's being nice and loving and supportive. But we've been here before.
I want so badly to run, yet so unsure and I'm tired, I'm afraid. Do I wait for things to get bad or is it ok when things are good?
May, 7 2019 at 6:22 pm
Hi Mercedes: It is unlikely that the abuser will ever change. I know what you are going through and that you would desperately like to believe that things will stay this way and that the worst is over, however, this is part of the cycle. If it was bad all the time, we would have left a long time ago, right? This is how we stay confused and lose ourselves in the relationship. We have to begin to tell ourselves that they can only be as good as the worst things they have ever done to us. There is no reason for you to live in fear. I wish for you to find the strength to see the truth when you are ready to face it. I've been where you have been. Please take care of yourself. -Kristen
Nic
says:
March, 10 2019 at 7:28 pm
Thank you thank you thank you for saying the truth in a matter of fact tone. Yes there are times of peace and happiness and that's when I start to doubt my guilty thoughts of leaving this abusive relationship. I have tolerated his behaviour for 23 years, why can't I continue? We should communicate and then things will get better. I am ignoring his efforts in making a good life for our family etc etc. I constantly have many competing thoughts in my mind and feel utterly confused. Advices from others also make it complicated.

So thank you again for pointing out that staying with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences and it is only a matter of time. And that life is too short and precious to stay miserable and hurtful.
Anathi
says:
January, 27 2019 at 9:25 am
I'm in an abusive relationship for seven years and I'm ready to leave but the problem is that l I'm scared the guy might hurt me. He once beat me for going to apply in a university, saying he doesn't want me to go to school. I am an orphan and I don't have friends. I don't think he loves me all he cares about is sex and money because every time when I have money he takes it all.
IB
says:
January, 12 2019 at 11:53 am
I always come onto this post when I am reeling from the aftermath of an "event" with my partner. I hope I don't have to keep rereading these words one day but for now they make me feel less alone. I thought today what hell would be like, I thought it may be a place were you are in a miserable, toxic, soul-destroying relationship unable to leave because an unexplainable, powerful force makes you choose to stay. But that's not he'll, that's what my life is like and I just want this to all end please.
January, 14 2019 at 7:41 am
Hello IB, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. It can be so affirming to read about the experiences of others because they do make us feel just a little less isolated and hopeless. You are not alone, and although you may not be able to see it now, there is a way out. I don't know your circumstances, but the fact that you are here means that you are on a path searching and can find that road to the exit. Please copy this link and visit our page for referral numbers to resources on domestic violence. They can point you to resources in your area who may be able to help you. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/ Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. -Kristen
Jess
says:
December, 30 2018 at 1:14 pm
Thank you. Your words, I've known and said to myself before, but to read them from someone else, heals me on so many levels.
Jd
says:
December, 13 2018 at 9:03 pm
My husband controls everything LITERALLY. I can't have money, he checks my phone, mail, underwear. I am not allowed to shower if he is at work. He checks my used tampons because he says I lie about my period to deny sex. I can't shave my private part neither. I am writing this and I feel so stupid and no even a real person. I feel sometimes that I am inside a movie because is so surreal. I can't work I have a 19 y/o son autistic and schizophrenic. My other son got cancer 4 years ago, he is now 16. I also have a 10 y/o daughter with him. Everyone tells me why I just leave and that I am so stupid. Also people tell my that I am still with him because I enjoy being abused. They are not in my shoes. He says he is a Christian and tells me I have to summit to him and I have to do what he says. I wish all the time he dissapears and God forgives me but I even wish he die. He broke my eye with a trash can 8 months ago. He chase me all the time around the house and talks to me like I am 10. I am not allowed to go out ( only for my kids medical appointments) he do grocery shopping and all kind of shopping because he says I will steal his money if I have his debit card. I wish I have the courage to leave.
DJ
says:
April, 25 2019 at 1:53 pm
WOW.. we are twins, I was with my husband for 20 years, he was abusive mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes it would get physical. Yet all thought we had the dream life, and at times we did. they called us Barbie and Ken, we could not get enough of each other, we were inseparable, until the end!! Beautiful soulmates, gorgeous house, met in junior high, Got married and 22, literally the exact day of our 1st year anniversary, we found out we were pregnant!! We had our first child at 24 and our last at 29 years old.
We have 3 daughters, I also towards the end, was not aloud out of the house, not aloud to work outside my home, eventually, because I used coupons and saved hundreds of dollars, it took too long, for he would have me send him a message on his beeper when I was walking out the door, {{ after the children were at school and house was clean,}} go grocery shopping, then beep when I returned home, I would have to save the receipts to prove my time line, since it took me too long, he thought I was having an affair with a bag boy or something,, so I no longer went!! Nor could I have lunch with friends unless his mom or my mom went.

I was a stay home mother, whom kept the house immaculate and organized, my girlfriends were aloud over, but not their husbands for the most part, Onw time we went to a family wedding, male family members were talking to me as well as females, I mean we were all family, Well he got so furious and jealous that I looked in the eyes of the men, he snatched me by my hair, literally pulled me out like a cave woman, no one helped me, but my mother-in-law came with us, crying, she said he was just jealous and loves me so much, afraid he may lose me, and he had been drinking, etc. Actually my mother in law is the only one whom knew about the abuse, until he started to become careless, to the point he treated me that way a lot, instead of just behind closed doors, he flirted with my girlfriends, spent alot of alone time with them, I think he cheated on me. I was blind, for he told me we married under God, that he would never do that, they are like his sisters, what God put together, let no WO-man separate. and this is what my confusion lays, am I now able to divorce under any circumstances!

The only man I was aloud to hang out with when ever I wanted was my Father, and I did, he was one of my best friends, we worked together, grocery shopped together, organized the holidays and menus, until his heart fell ill, so i was the patient advocate, I was at hospital 10 plus hours a day. Thankfully our daughters were 9, 13 and 15 years old by then.
My husband was home by the time they came home from school, every night, I would drive home from the hospital crying the entire time, for I knew my dad was soon going to be with the Lord, I was not ready, even tho I knew since his heart attack at 28 years old, his survival rate was short, he did surpass the drs estimation by decades, we talked about everything, no words were unsaid, we were very close, yet leaving him coming home every night, I needed comfort from my husband, but i got ohhh, you finally made it home, I see you painted your fingernails and wearing makeup. what DR are you having an affair with, he would smell my underwear to, then im in tears for a different reason, . his wording is not like mine, but very vulgar, it was I was so exhausted from his abuse.

My father did pass 2010 valentines was his funeral, less than a week later, my husband struck me on the side of my head from behind for speaking to a couples husband-that were close friends of ours, that came over to say sorry about my father and that they really adored him. I was saying thank you to him and he was very loved, then the wife yelled my name and BOOM, I thought the ceiling fell or she hit me, Nope, it was my husband, as usual, I always leave when it gets physical, go to the beach, sit on the sand and cry to God, to help me with my marriage and my father. I always stayed at a different persons house, like, my best friends, mother in laws, my moms, my grandmas, so none of the woman knew exactly how many times I had to run away, I always returned early the next morning and pretend nothing happened.

An easily angered man adds alcholosism is volitile times 10. It was different this time when he struck me, as normal I left, but I never went back, after over 20 years with him, he said I was his soul mate, I loved him so very much. The only thing we loved more was God. I lost my father and husband in the same month, the only 2 men in my life! Yet God filled me with such peace after I left him, like a caged bird now able to fly, for the first time, I could breathe and not walk on eggshells. Shockingly to EVERYONE I did not return to him. i Got a protective order, The Judge gave me the house, children, dog and his paycheck.
for the past 10 years I have raised my children, my youngest just moved out a few months ago.
Me and my husband are still married, but going on 10 years separated, for God hates divorce, I do not know if I broke my word to God. or if I should get divorced with Gods approval, I still love him, he smothered me so severely in every way, cursed me out in front of our girls, fought me in front of our girls, abused me in every way, he never beat on me, just a hit here and there, some worse than other times, It was very overwhelming and painful. I run to my husband when im in pain, yet i had no one to run to for he was causing the pain, i did have GOD, as for my childrenm It was very traumatic on them, I stayed for the children, but after my dad passed away, He hit me for the LAST time, I got an inner strength that i had never had before, and clearly realized, I must leave FOR OUR CHILDREN. I did it. I still cant belive it!

So eventually, he started dating the mans wife that he hit me for the last time, for talking to and accepting condolences for my fathers passing that i was talking about!! I was her best friend! no loss to me yet it hurt me.
A year later he started dating another friend, I was her best friend since she was a young teenager, she has actually dated 2 ex-boyfriends. I did not care, but my husband, It tore my heart out!!! They actually both called me to chat while my husband was sitting beside them, somehow, I knew, both times, I just called his cell, and it rang over the phone!! haha.. busted! God sends me angels to inform me somehow. The second friend he is dating for well over 5 years now- has sometimes called me to ask me where my husband was, and that he was being ugly, lieing etc, for she knew he was abusive to me, she was one of the friends I would run to, from a physical fight and cry and confide in her, she has witnessed us fighting, abusing me over the decades. I literally, gave her advice, told her i was sorry he was doing that to her, I mean, did she think he would treat her differently than me, the love of his life, I ended with you can not call me anymore about your relationship. The pain is to much, I will pray for you and Im sorry,

Our daughters did learn that their parents relationship and love was NOT normal, and we didn't even know what normal was actually, I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. One day God and my father got together and sent an angel my way. They must have searched high and low to find this amazing man, for he lives in a different state, 3 hours away. It started out on the phone after pm's and emails, we would talk for HOURS AND HOURS every day!! He helped out on starting my online Jewelry business, and then started visiting me at my home, pitched in on the upkeep of the house, we became best friends, then I fell in-love, for the first time ever, there was a man in my home that did not yell, curse, drink or get angry, lie, start arguments for nothing, abuse me in any way what so ever!! it was def a culture SHOCK for me and my daughters. it was uncomfortable and severely strange, the girls would just say, WOULD YOU YELL ALREADY, ARE YOU A TICKING BOMB.!!!! We would all just wait for him to get angry and SNAP, Over time, eventually, we got used to the calmness and started appreciating it, because of him, the girls and I NOW know what normal is! I am eternally grateful to this man, what an incredible loving, calm, Godly, understanding, reliable, honest and phenomenal example of a real HUMBLE man. NON NARCISSIST- for i never heard that word until me and my daughters went to ALANON, and counseling after I left. I learned there are in general like 4 types, My husband was not one type, he literally fit all 4 categories! How dangerous and scary! What damage have I done to my children, they do have tons of excellent memories, for his apologies for fighting with mommy was gifts, vacations, going out on the boat etc,

My daughters and friends say I found a man like your boyfriend, haha,, meaning, a NON tumultuous argumentative, angry, BUT, compassionate, loving, calm, trusting communicative relationship! We have been dating for almost 9 years, He still lives 3 hours away. Yet he comes over several days of the week and weekend, He is a good christian man whom has respect for me and the girls. In the beginning, he spent the nights at my moms house, and the days with me, until years later, he started staying upstairs, in the spare room, the FROG in my ranch house, I am now Living alone, Im not sure if i have empty nest syndrome, I don't think so!! lol. My boyfriend now lives alone in his house too, his son also moved out of his house this year.

Should i start a new chapter in my life in a specific way, like, selling my home and downsizing, Become completely independent and alone untill I figure out what Gods will is Divorce my husband and marry my best-friend?
I am very confused, If i gave my word to God, to love my husband, until death do us part. Should I stay with my current boyfriend, try to work things out with my husband after a decade of separation, for he has stopped drinking 4 years ago, a year after our granddaughter was born. I FEEL THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO POSSESS IS YOUR WORD, I hv nothing but my word, My word to God and my promise I made to my husband under God. Our wedding vows- I truly do not know what God wants me to do, for I want his will to be done, not my own. I wish for God to lead me, guide me, direct me, protect me and bless me, and us all.

First time for me to ever comment or online communicate, much less about my abusive marriage. I do Facebook, but no drama on my wall, what so ever. So cheers to my first blog, online communication about something so seriously deep, not sure if I helped anyone, or just helped myself?
Linda
says:
May, 14 2019 at 3:15 am
He comitted adultry you are free. 2 ways in God's word your free from marriage is death or adulutry. Divorce him immediately!!
J
says:
December, 7 2018 at 10:50 pm
hi.. after reading comment after comment of my same situation it’s very sad to me! I was married when I meet the man I am with now... my relationship with my now ex husband was a physically violent one... and I meet my boyfriend at work.. him and I became friends right off the bad.. he became my best friend I would talk to him about everything... so when my ex and I split up my boyfriend and I started spending time together outside off work and then it turned into more... he was sweet... listened to me talk... paid attention to me... noticed when I got a hair cut of whatever... I fell for him hard!! After about a year we were together... and I thought it was perfect thought I found the person who was my person.. u know... until one day it all changed... started with something little that I over looked... thought he was just having a bad day... but it has all gotten worse... I had my past thrown in my face... choices I made .. bad things that have happened to me... being. Told I deserve it! Being called worthless lazy no good! EverThing mean you can think mean to say to someone he has said it.. I have pretty much cut myself off from my family bc I have ran to them several times after a fight saying I was leaving and after a week and he calms down it’s all back to me loves me and so on and on... I always come back! I have 3 kids and one of them is his and he is now 5 months old... so I keep saying if I could make it 10 years in a physically abusive relationship I can make it through this but honestly I feel as if mental abuse is so much worse... bc it gets in you head and you think and it over and over... am I really worthless?? Do I really deserve bad things to happen to me? Am I really fat or ugly?? And the truth is when living this way you believe it to a fault almost bc it’s drilled into your head!! I’m always thinking about how great it was when we were friends how attentive he was how loving and caring... and I hold out o. Hope that one day he will open his eyes and realize that he is hurting me badly! But I don’t think it will ever happen!! I want to leave but I don’t!! I stay bc I’m stuck or at least that is how I feel!! When is enough gonna be enough for me to say I am done?? Y am I not strong enough to walk away from him? And stay gone! Y do I always answer the phone when I leave and let him fill my head with all these promises of change when I know in my heart it’s a lie!! Family says I’m just not ready to go! And after reading this article... I am but scared I will just come right back! And it will pick up like I never Left bc he feels as if there is no repercussions for his actions or words... bc I will come back!! I wish I felt strong enough to cut all ties but with my son I don’t think I ever will!
Elix
says:
November, 14 2018 at 2:09 pm
What happens when you really don't have anywhere to go? I have an 8 month old baby. No car. (He totaled it) He got mad at the thought of me having a job. (independence) Moving in with my parents would just be another abusive relationship. I used to glow and be in control of my life. I had gotten out of a previous abusive relationship and waited almost 10+ months until I found him. Was a former lover in middle school and high school. And I was just having harmless fun. But then I got pregnant and got excited he wanted to keep the baby too. I always dreamed of having a baby with someone who actually wanted to be there. I decided to keep her. Then the abuse started. He hit me the first couple times and I cried uncontrollable. Confused on why he didn't just leave. Too late to run. 2 years later (21yrs old) he will be nice and try hard one day but almost every day he is mean. He snaps at me and always talks over me, (just like everyone else) he lately has been calling me crazy which just was the last straw. I put up with his beatings, name callings, put downs, his sudden burst of anger.. ect. But I'm crazy because I grumpy when I have to wake up at 3 in the morning to get a bottle ready for the baby. I kinda feel like a candle at the very end of its wic. I often contemplate just taking off but I can't leave my daughter. I won't. I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid one day itll end with suicide or him hurting me badly enough to kill me. Very lost
November, 19 2018 at 6:32 pm
Hello Elix: I am so very sorry to hear of what has been happening to you! You do not deserve any of this. I hope you will consider reaching out to someone close to you, a friend or family member, who can help you develop a plan to escape this relationship. There are also resources you can turn to if you feel there is no one you can talk to. Please visit our page https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/domestic-violence/how-to-report-domestic-violence-domestic-abuse-and-hotlines to see organizations that may be able to help. If you are feeling suicidal, there are also people you can speak to who can talk with you about what you are feeling. Our page
https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/suicide-hotline-phone-numbers is a place to start. You don't have to go through this alone. Thank you for leaving this message and reaching out for help.
Holley
says:
October, 19 2018 at 3:56 pm
What do you do if you are watching your sister be emotionally abused but she won’t admit it? Her coworkers tell her she is, I see it and have told her he isn’t good for her. This person even threatened my husband and we filed a report. She knows all of this and was aware when it was happening but he “tried to apologize” and that was good enough for now. She is broken and he is a psychopath.
Cheryl Mardukas
says:
October, 16 2018 at 11:30 am
I've been with my guy for over 13 years and i swear i put up with so much verbal abuse it is crazy! yes, he always tries to make things better by apologizing, "too drunk" when he said it, or "I" pushed his buttons, he does this over and over and i still take him back. I just need to finally put an end to this crazy cycle and be strong enough to walk away. Yes, we live together but no children.
Scared in FL
says:
October, 9 2018 at 11:30 am
I'm so scared right now. I never thought I would let a man treat me this way. 2 years ago I got hit hard over & over again by life, ending in me being crippled. I ended up running away from my parents house (I'm in my 30s, long story) and they haven't forgiven me for how I did it. Been with my bf for a year, he wasn't great to begin with, but it's escalated to the point of complete madness. Could write a book of the things he's done. Last couple months he started sexually assaulting me, then made me fear for my life, neighbors called cops on him, AND I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT SO HE DIDN'T GET ARRESTED. Why???? Finally told my mom yesterday. I know she told the whole family but no one has contacted me. Yes I've been isolated, am bipolar, but i never hurt anyone, used drugs, anything that would make them hate me. She's telling me I have to leave him, now I'm so scared of leaving him. When he wasn't bad, he was so sweet & took such good care of me. But the bad started to become every day, and he crossed too many lines. Why am I so afraid of leaving him? It's like he's my only friend and only person that cares about me, but i know he's a narcissist. I don't even think he means to isolate me or make my self esteem crash, like it only happens when he drinks, but for months he drank every day. He's paying my rent now and he's at his mom's, but I'm still texting/talking to him. Feel like I'm the crazy one, I must be. Why would I want to stay with someone who has assaulted me in every way possible almost every Day?
Dupsy
says:
October, 6 2018 at 7:55 pm
Living with an abuser of an husband is a like living with an enemy.He never finds any good thing in what you do and will never let you air your view.#can go on with this.
Ritia
says:
August, 15 2018 at 5:48 am
I am currently contemplating how to leave the father of my children of 13 years. We have 3 ranging from 1 years to 13. I am 33 years of age today. He also has 3 teens whom i have nurtured for 13 years and whom dont want to reside with us anymore due to their fathers actions. Its more emotional abuse then physical. Years ago I got totally waisted and apparently stripped in front of his friend and have touched another friends leg, so for those reasons he has told me thats why he treats me the way he does. I accepted it, even though i cant remember I accepted that i deserve the treatment he gives me. But i often wonder how many more years will he hold against me? He calls me a whore, cocksucker all sorts of vicious names under the sun in front of all our kids and its embarrassing. Its very rare i will raise my voice or answer back to him, its his way or no way. I dont want to get hit so most times i just shut my mouth. Hes 15 years older me, ive heard all the attempts to change under the sun but still none. I am quiet independant, pay my own rent and other utulitys, have a job ect. I love his kids like they are my own have nurtured them like they are mine but i feel like nothings ever good enough. He damages anything that is mine or means alot to me when hes mad. The most recent was a photo of my late nan who i dearly love, he ripped it up, that really hurt! My house has holes in the wall and he spits in my house. He talks to all our kids about me. I worked 6 days last week and wanted to have a beer. I didnt go out knowing he also had work the next morning, so i invited my cousin around to have a quiet one with me. We were still going when he left for work at half 4 in the morning and still going when he finished 2 hours later. He threw a fit and started yelling at me because the house wasnt cleaned. I dont get it, my house is clean it was his own bedding in the lounge, we only had a 24 box of beers and a bottle of whiskey which were all put away in the empty box as i normally do. I just removed myself because i didnt want to deal with it while i was intoxicated. But when i came home he tells me he kicked out his oldest boy who is 19. He tried telling me it was his boys fault but I knew it was his! Everytime someone or something stresses him out, everyone in our household cops it! He calls his older sons all sorts of names and even a few times have told them to hang themselves. He says if i try and take my kids away from him, hes going to kill my dad and anyone else i love and care about. I sorta believe him. He has big knives, like swords and bow and arrows. I think he is capable of doing it. I have witnessed him stab another guy with a pitchfork because he tried to threaten our family. I want to leave. But aPart of me believes i can change him and i still deeply care about him. Im not sure if its love though, i think that feeling left a couple of years ago. He saved me from a very physically abusive relationship where every second day i was black and blue and i feel like i owe him my life but i also have kids and am done allowing to witness all this craaazy stuff!! I have left for a couple of days at times and allowed the kids to stay behind with him because they love their dad buuut iii juuust cant do it. I cry and get all depressed knowing that they are not with me. I think about taking them with me but i know my kids will miss him and i feel sorry for them and him. I dont want cops or to drag my children through court..Financially i pay for most of the things in our family home so i couldnt even get us a hotel room and i wouldnt take my kids to just anywhere i want it to be homely so we are all comfortable like we are at home. He knows where all my friends and family live but im too embarrassed to stay at either houses anyway and i dont want to bring trouble to them..2 of my kids are in school and today i have been helping his teens find suitable accomodation for them, one of whom is 22 and carrying a baby..It seems like of got too many odds against me...Thank you for the article and all the stories many have shared.
Paul
says:
August, 2 2018 at 10:50 am
Hi guys,
This article has helped me. My wife is never wrong about anything. She regularly puts me down with criticisms and no compliments / validation. Its all about her wants & needs. I am invisible except for when she needs someone to vent her anger on. She has a hair trigger temper and gives me the Silent Treatment & Cold shoulder. My self confidence is rock bottom. Will I stay? I don't know yet but one day I will. As it says, why should I stay with someone who regularly hurts me ?
Olivetree
says:
July, 26 2018 at 9:47 am
Im having an abusive relationship w a man . we have been roomues for 12 years. 3 ys ago the real person came out. He cuts my clothes up. Hes wreckinging the house that we are buying constant nagging me about a job. Runs me down and comes at me like he will hit me. I have nobody. Nowhere to go and im a senior. Who woulda thought my golden years are hell. I would leave easily but not enough money to live alone. I dont know what to do. Now hes killing my garden. Cuts the sunflower heads off. Turns the garden hose on all nite. I pay the water. I talked to a buddy that works with him he said the BOSS is afraid of him. Where can i go?
Ozonzi
says:
July, 17 2018 at 3:18 am
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Sharon
says:
July, 2 2018 at 3:51 am
I've known for the last year, that my husband has done nothing but put me down when he is with his friends, gaslighting. My husband had exceptional narcissistic flair for making me think I was going crazy. So I started to keep track of everything by writing a diary. Reading back on everything over the last 15 years was hard. I am more empowered now, but I don't feel strong enough or have support from friends or family as he has kept me from them. I feel isolated and don't know where to turn for help. Thank you so much for letting me know it is alright to stay. For now, I will research and get advice. It's hard to do as he wants to know about everything, where I go, what I do, whom I talk to etc. I don't want to hate my husband but have no love for him left in me. I am angry that it is so easy to be hoodwinked in this way. Angry at myself and my husband being so cold to me that I just wanted to shrivel up and die. Waking up to what is going on , I mean really going on, was hard. But I know now that I'm by far more internally strong because of what I've had to put up with over the years. It will take time, life is too short to waste it on people who profess they love you, but more likely need you.
Rachel
says:
July, 1 2018 at 5:21 pm
Its been 4 years in my relationship and honestly i feel stuck.. Its like living at home all over again.. I hardly get to visit family i have to ask if i can go anywhere and often i get yelled at.. I get blamed for everything and im scared to say the wrong things. Idk i need to feel whole again, i need me back
lisa hardwick
says:
June, 30 2018 at 9:30 am
just want to thank you... ive been braainstorming and doing endless research o what appeas to be my life.. this is the first true real blunt post i have come acrossed and its nice to fell that straight forwardness.. thank you... never giving up but living is a battle.. knowledge to understand dose indeed help
Desiree
says:
June, 22 2018 at 3:33 pm
I have been with my abuser for 13 years now since i was 17 he is all i know anymore i have never had to work and he has made it plainly clear that everything i have is his because he pays for it. He has made sure that i have no one but him, and that i wouldnt last no time on my own. He says that he cont care if i leave but i am not taking our 2 kids. But there is no way i could leave my babies behind . I have thought a bout running with them and hiding but i have no money and he says that he will hurt everyone that might help me to find his kids, he has emotionally drained me for so long ,that everyday at some point i am thinking that i am not worth the air i breath. I have nothing or no where to go , and i cant be homeless with my children . I love him but i am not in love with him anymore, i have just been going through the movements of my life fir so long i am so unhappy i just cant take it anymore. Everytime he leaves or me and the kids leave i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I dont know where to go frim here i how do i start over with nobody or nothing please someone help me
carlos
says:
June, 11 2018 at 9:21 am




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patti
says:
June, 3 2018 at 2:45 pm
hi my name is patti and we have a 1 year old son and ithink that the only reason why he is still with me he hits me he puts me down he tells me all the time he will find a better women when I do every thing for him !! he goes out he goes to the bar he smokes but I cant do nothing with out getting questions .??? idk what to do I feel like I'm stuck and I'm misserble I'm so upset I love him but he is hurting me emotionaly I don't feel pretty no more
patti
says:
June, 3 2018 at 2:45 pm
hi my name is patti and we have a 1 year old son and ithink that the only reason why he is still with me he hits me he puts me down he tells me all the time he will find a better women when I do every thing for him !! he goes out he goes to the bar he smokes but I cant do nothing with out getting questions .??? idk what to do I feel like I'm stuck and I'm misserble I'm so upset I love him but he is hurting me emotionaly I don't feel pretty no more
http://suckhoesacdep.net/
says:
June, 1 2018 at 2:35 am
Having read this I thought it was very informative.

I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this article together.
I once again find myself personally spending a
lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it!
SunFlowerGalaxy
says:
May, 30 2018 at 7:35 pm
I discovered this website after searching for verbal abuse online. I have found so many similarities in a lot of the comments left here with my own experience.
I met a guy over a year ago, and we started seeing each other. There were red flags, but I chose to ignore them. He would flirt with waitresses, for example. I would call him out on it, and he would excuse it away and say he didn't mean anything by it. Yet, he would continue with this behavior..

Then the name calling started. When he would get upset, he would call me a cheater, liar, hypocrite, negative, etc. He doesn't consider this particular name calling verbal abuse because he said he's not swearing. He also has made a habit of putting me down. And recently he said he hopes I get AIDS. He also yells at me, talks over me, and makes a habit of interrupting. He's told me to "shut up" and said, "screw you!" And.... all the while he's telling me he loves me....go figure?

In the past when I told him I wanted out of the relationship, he would apologize and tell me that he was going to change. Guess what? He would eventually do it again.

Nearly two months ago, I decided I had had enough of the emotional abuse. I was experiencing anxiety, loss of sleep, and excessive hair loss.....I'm still losing a lot of hair. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm sure this is all stress related due to his abusive behavior. My blood pressure is even high! No person is worth jeopardizing my health for! I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack on account of him.

Anyway, he has contacted me saying he's going to change for good this time. I told him most abusers don't change (they can....but many choose not to). He told me to give him a chance to prove them wrong. At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I told him I need my space and he's respecting my wishes. It feels so so very good not having to deal with his immature behavior!!

I forgot to mention that the two of us are in our early 50s. And I have never had a partner call me names. I was very confused by it all so that is why I had to search for this particular behavior because I knew it felt wrong.

You may wonder why I got involved with this guy to begin with. Well, he was sweet at times. He would buy me flowers and gifts. He would take me to dinner and the movies as well. I never really experienced any of that in earlier relationships so I felt "loved".

However, I'm no longer willing to give up my peace and well-being for dinner and flowers. I'll buy my own freakin' dinner and flowers!

No one should have to tolerate abuse. Every human being has value! And each one of us should not let another individual (man or woman) determine our worth!

(((HUGS to you all)))


Kavita
says:
May, 27 2018 at 12:45 pm
Thank you for this article. Yes you are right plan when you are in joyful mood rather than sad mood. My husband abuse me beat me. Being a working woman not possible to tolerate this type of violence. Sometime I think of murdering him. But when I think of my children I step backwards. J have financial problem also. Please help me as my husband is not working for last 2 years almost.
Julie
says:
May, 23 2018 at 5:52 am
I appreciate this article. It is extremely hard in many cases to leave abusers. Some stay out of love but I’ve stayed Soley out of fear. I own my home and my boyfriend has “rights” since he lives here. He won’t leave and the law requires a 30 day eviction notice to get him out of my home plus an additional three days if he still doesn’t leave. Each of these notices are ones that I have to give to him prior to a court date. This would not go over well and would only intensify the situation.
Laura
says:
May, 22 2018 at 9:46 pm
Our marriage lacked understanding, it was like every normal marriage as long as I didn't say anything that my husband disagreed with or win an argument. Am always trying to know the ins and outs of his life as his wife, and it turned into a huge blow-out. Our divorce wasn't really about our lack of understanding according to my therapist, it was as a result of a spiritual separation. She introduced me to Dr. AMIGO for spiritual reconciliation/understanding, proper healing and cleansing of wounds left by husband. My therapist was so honest to me and never wanted to waste my time, she saw that I have been living in pain with my devastating marriage and my heart has ached for years.I was in dire need of permanent solution from Dr. AMIGO after he assured me of smooth and easy result within 72 hours immediately the spell is done. Like the honest man he is, Doc. proved my therapist right and brought back my husband exactly the way I wanted. My time with Dr. AMIGO was so magical, I never knew anyone has the power to unit a broken home and heal a broken heart. Thanks to my therapist {Theresa} and Dr. Amigo for making us a better couple and example to a younger generation, Google his name as "Dr Amigo the online spell caster" for a review of his numerous articles.
Website www.amigospellhome.com
Martinez Lawrence
says:
May, 22 2018 at 9:39 pm
HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK AFTER BREAK UP
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Vanessa
says:
May, 14 2018 at 12:02 am
Im laying here with my 4 children in a motel running away from boyfriend but he kepts massaging me saying sorry for putting his hands around my neck and doing it all infront of are little kids but there still apart of me that wants to stay because i feel bad that im taking the kids away idk what to do plz help i need advice
Anne
says:
May, 12 2018 at 8:58 pm
We have a 5year old together who he adores and I have a 15 year old daughter. We have been together for 12 years. He doesn’t make enough money but gets mad I work as a freelance stylist. I have hours that I can’t control. He helps with the kids and cooks cleans and helps drive when he gets home from work. I’m exhausted and so is he I do equal to him if not more. He doesn’t hit me but yells and screams if I leave a pot in the sink or lashes out and has a poor me attitude. He humiliated me in public is always in a rush with road rage and mad and angry. He says it’s because of me and I don’t do enough at home. I’ve hired a cleaning lady and he would find something else to put me down over. He has a poor me attitude n threatens our relationship to leave me and talks over me and doesn’t want to take blame. He calls me names. I feel insecure and I really think things would not be better if everything was perfect aka his way. That’s not life. And I’m sick of the explosive behavior and then a switch like nothing happend. I wake up wondering if he is gonna be mean or nice. I do so much everyday and I can’t live with someone who has a poor me attitude and looks at me like I’m nothing I appreciate the help with cleaning and cooking but not worth him treating me like crap. He is a great guy but tension builds and he’s explosive to me and my older daughter. He goes at it with her back and forth like he is a teen to and provoking if she has an attitude when she shouldn’t. I’m so stressed. Is this abusive behavior?
May
says:
May, 8 2018 at 10:55 am
Loved your article. Am in an abusive marriage and want to leave. Its been 6 years and things have escalated. Abusing me and my family in the worst of language. Belittling me, daily putting me down. Calling me a terrible mom. He makes things as difficult as possible, trying to force me to quit my job. Tried very hard to get control over my finances but I always resisted that. He hits me now, tries to choke me, punches me. Am pregnant and still punches my legs n arms, twists my arms, abuses me verbally. In public am the best wife but each day is a horror story. I am to blame for all his failures, each fight is provoked by me only. And yes he never helped with our first child. Whether feeding, getting up at nights, etc it was always me. He never buys anything for our daughter. All her clothes, diaper etc I purchase. I feel so drained, lifting a finger requires effort. This lack of energy has been there for quite some time now. I need out
Chris
says:
May, 6 2018 at 8:19 am
Hey Jonathan, I feel your pain as I am going through the same abuse...what you posted about your situation could have been written by me. I love this person and I have done everything I can to help her but leaving her would cause her to hurt herself and I couldn't bear her hurting herself....I am lost too! The pain is almost too much to bear for me. My friends and children will not even discuss the situation with me anymore, it is so hard to quit on someone I love.
Lilly
says:
May, 3 2018 at 1:09 pm
I am in a super emotional and slightly abusive relationship with my boyfriend and I have been for 5 years. We share a house and dogs together. Recently, we broke up because he got me in trouble at my job for making a scene while I was working (I’m a bartender). Things have gotten so bad recently I have started a kind of new relationship with another man. This other guy really seems to want to treat me right but for some reason I just can’t force my partner at home to leave so I can live my life. I am still super young (only 23) and so torn on what to do ! Help
Monique
says:
May, 2 2018 at 9:53 pm
I’m in a verbal abusive relationship and if I leave I’ll have no place to go and no one to help me take my child to and from school when I have to work. I have no family or friends I can turn to for help. I want out but if I leave now my life is over. It’s to the point that I want to harm myself because I’m useless to myself and my child. I really need some help
Tracy
says:
April, 29 2018 at 5:26 pm
Please help, I’m in a emotional abusive relationship and I want out, I really can’t take it anymore but I don’t know how? He knows so many people and threatens to hurt me and I don’t want him in my life being this way but being either with him or not being with him, I feel like I’ll b no better off and I’m sure he’s got mental health and no respect for the law
susan
says:
April, 27 2018 at 10:36 am
I'm 65 years old and in an abusive relationship. How does one leave when everything is tied up together financially. I don't want to lose everything.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 28 2018 at 4:20 pm
Hi Susan,
Thank you for commenting here. I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. Are you in a position to seek legal advice regarding your home and assets? It would be worth contacting a woman's refuge or domestic abuse charity in your area to get some practical help. Our <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">hotlines and resources page</a> has contact numbers for domestic abuse helplines that you might find helpful.

I know it feels overwhelming, but it starts with one small step toward reclaiming your life. That phone call to a helpline could be your first step. Good luck, and please come back here for support and information any time you need.
Joy
says:
April, 26 2018 at 6:13 pm
He belittles me every day, I don't want sex so there for I'm accused of wanting sex with others. Nothing I do, ware, say is right. He has hit me in the past, he uses me financially, and makes me feel terrible. If I apply for jobs on my phone, I'm texting guys. He sneaks around the house trying to spy. He rummaged thru my personal belongings while I'm away or sleeping. I have to hide money, keys, and ciggereets, or he won't leave me anything.he cooks foods that I'm not supposed to eat. When I cook he won't eat. I thought I could trust him this time. He uses my hurt against me to make me hurt more.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 27 2018 at 12:59 am
Joy, I am so sorry to hear you are suffering the way you are, that is just awful. I hope you'll look into the other articles we have on the blog because there are several that would be very relevant to what you've been going through. Have considered seeking counseling or therapy to help you cope or even develop an exit plan? Therapy was instrumental for me in rebuilding my life and leaving unhealthy relationships in my past. I've attached a few articles for you to check out and I wish you all the best. Please continue reaching out to us here at Healthy Place. Thanks again, hang in there Joy. -Emily

<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/03/10-ways-your-abuser-is-sabotaging-your-life/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Relationship Abuse is Sabotaging Your Life</a>

<a href="Reasons to Leave Abuse" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/11/verbal-abuse-reasons-to-leave/</a>

<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/10/coping-with-verbal-abuse/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Verbal Abuse Coping Skills For When You Can't Just Leave</a>
Jonathan
says:
April, 26 2018 at 8:59 am
I have decided to leave my wife and get out of the abuse after 4 years. She knows I am leaving and cries and apologizes but now is blaming me for not being perfect either and that we all make mistakes. Well, I never spit in her face, threw tantrums destroying property, verbally abused her, hit her, belittle her in front of family, cause financial strain, ask her to get her own place many times, threaten to call the police and make up things, make her retreat to the basement out of fear of another argument, or talk about being with other women. She did all of these things to me. I didn't show her I had respect for myself by staying even with the way she treated me so I am now showing her. She is now making every excuse for herself and actions and points it all back to me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 27 2018 at 1:06 am
Jonathan, I'm so sorry for everything you've been dealing with, that sounds pretty horrific indeed. Everything you mentioned is without a doubt abusive and it is not uncommon for abusers to react to being called out by pointing the finger back at you. If you think you need to leave and move on, I think you should trust yourself and try to find your happiness. Divorces are awful, but staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship for years of your life you'll never get back is terrible in of itself. I'm going to attach a few articles I think you may find helpful. Thanks! -Emily


<a href="Reasons to Leave Abuse" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/11/verbal-abuse-reasons-to-leave/</a>

<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/11/gaslighting-emotional-abuse-and-manipulation/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Gaslighting, Emotional Abuse and Manipulation</a>
Jonathan
says:
April, 27 2018 at 7:03 am
Emily,
I am now finding it harder to leave and its ripping at my heart. See is now crying all the time telling me she will change and to give her one more chance and she also told me she wanted to kill herself. I'm so confused. I don't want to see harm come to her or see her in pain. Any advice? Sigh with heavy heart..

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Pablo
says:
April, 30 2018 at 5:56 am
Hey Jonathan, that is a normal reaction for her to have as she now realises you're going to leave her and that is the last thing she wants, imagine all her power over you just disappearing into thin air. It would be awful for her but probably great for you. I am no expert and merely somebody who's been in this type of relationship and my best advice is that you leave anyways and don't look back, I know you have already given her plenty of chances, however if you don't feel ready to leave maybe try giving her one last chance , write it down tell her clearly that if she does it again you're gone, but what's most important if you do this is that you actually leave the moment she messes up her chance. Good luck.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cheryl
says:
April, 30 2018 at 10:58 pm
Hey Jonathan. Reading your comment is exactly to every word I am going through at the moment. I know how you feel and making that decision to leave is the hardest thing to do. But for us to get ourselves back we need to make that step and move out. Eventually it will be a 100 more chances given and then its too late we will be so depressed or dead. Remember love is not all the most important thing is happiness. Look after yourself first and you be able to look after someone else. Take care

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