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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

January 22, 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Elena
says:
February, 16 2018 at 3:35 pm
I am in the process of leaving my narcissist of almost 4 years. He will not change, ever. I am not kidding myself anymore, I am getting out. It is very hard but doable.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:13 pm
I hope you manage to leave and have the best life ever. You deserve it, sending love.
Nicole Hancock
says:
February, 12 2018 at 8:56 pm
I've been in an emotionally abusive, on and off relationship with a straight up narcissist for two years already. I'm so drained, but I don't know what else to do. He keeps coming back too, and things seems better for a while and then....

It's just so hard to leave or stay away from him.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

McKenzie White
says:
March, 19 2018 at 4:45 pm
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I have just left an emotionally abusive relationship because I felt like enough was enough. So many times I have broken up with him due to the way he would over react about the tiniest things and just explosively verbally abuse me bellowing names at me swearing at me, and then he would storm out of my house and take away all the things he’s bought me, because he liked to spite me and use it as a power tool, and then I would receive a call or text blaming me for his actions and then would not talk to me for days, punishing me so I’d be sat there heart broken wondering if he would ever contact me, and then when he did come back he would chuck digs at me, things about my life or something like that, and then I’d be upset again...and I’d tell myself that’s it I’m done I’m not doing this anymore, but then the sorry would come and the ‘o obviously don’t mean it you just p*ssed me off’ (blaming me again) but he’d say ‘I love you’ and I’d let him back in again, I read that the victim always finds a way of denying or minimising the issues as a way of coping with the stress. He would pick on me, and then when I would get upset he would say things like ‘you’re too sensitive, I’m only joking, can’t you take a joke’ he would make me feel bad for trying to talk about things that were bothering me and make me regret saying anything because I would just get this explosion of abuse and blame, even writing this is making me well up because I stuck around for this crap endlessly for 11 months. Always hoping that he would learn from the last time or make an effort to change, but if he lost the anger; the spiteful ness, the tantrums, the point scoring would remain, he has too many bad traits. I would feel sorry for him because he hasn’t exactly had the best upbringing or has a supportive loving family like mine which made me make allowances, but the abuse (the explosive rages of verbal abusive) went from occurring weekly to day in day out, I don’t know how any man who’s supposed to love you could bellow at you with such hatred and call you a f*cking Sl*t and take all my things away like I’m a child. Yeah he does always come back, but the peace would only last for about a day and it would all go off again. I was not ready before, the thought of being without him was unimaginable, I’m still not over it and probably won’t be for a long time, because it’s in that first week or that first month that you fall so deeply in love and then your already roped in. I broke up with him last Wednesday (5 days ago) because that morning he was leaving for work at 4am, he knocked some things over in the utility room under neath my mums room and all I said was ‘what are you doing I was getting the bike out slowly’ with a hint.. A HINT of frustration in my tone and there and then yet again he started swearing at me and calling me names and then demanded I go and fetch this watch he’d bought me and when I said no he came upstairs into my room started looking for it and threatened to make a scene and wake my family.. I had to call the police because he wouldn’t leave, and he still blamed me later on that day.. I can go into so many times he’s over reacted or started on me and then blamed me for his actions when I’ve literally done nothing, I’d be sat there in shock. Even now he is still writing me paragraphs of how much he loves me and it’s all his fault and he’s missing me, and he hopes I’ll find it in my heart to one day ‘let him show me how much I mean to him’ ... but I did find it in my heart, one too many times and I just have to think that ANYTHING is better than going through that emotional torture day in day out.. for who knows how long? I do not see a future with him, moving out, marrying.. I picture a messy divorce before I even think of a happy marriage.. I picture myself ringing my mum every day ‘hes Done this now he’s said this now’ I don’t wanna wake up in how ever many years with regret and depression because I stuck with this man. You minimise the issues and cling to the happy moments especially if you are a forgiving loving person, and that’s what the abuser feeds on, it is so hard it’s the hardest thing ever to leave someone when you’re madly still in love but honestly can you see a future, a happy one?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:14 pm
I hope you find the strength to leave. I honestly believe if you do life will get better. Start putting a plan in place.
Josephine
says:
February, 11 2018 at 8:06 am
I have been living with my abusive partner for 8 years now. He calling me different names, scream at me, humiliated in public, treated as if I am a nanny, commpared to his exes and other woman. He says bad things about me to my kids , he never give credits to my good deeds, I am physically, mentally, verbally and financially abused. I tried to escape so many times but I always ended up returning home. I badly want to leave him and get out this abusive relatonship. I already told him that I dont want to be humiliated but doesnt listen. I dont want my kids to grow and see how I am treated.
I dont how to get out of this relationship!!!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kristine
says:
February, 12 2018 at 6:58 pm
Wow I’ve never heard a similar story more then this one I’m in the same boat

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Gabby
says:
February, 13 2018 at 3:47 pm
Me too. But I’ve now told him I want a divorce. And guess what now he wants to listen. Now he wants to understand. Now he wants to show me love respect and honesty. It’s not the first time he shows his amazing side when I say enough is enough but it’s going to be the last. I feel terribly torn as I have been married for 21 years and we have 2 children but I will go mad if I stay with him any less beer and I know in two months time it will all be happening again. I’m done. And you will be when you have finally had enough.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

McKenzie White
says:
March, 19 2018 at 4:53 pm
I can really relate to this, the guy I just split up with also shows his loving apologetic side when I say it’s over which I have done countless times, but all those times I wasn’t ready. Now I am ready and enough is enough and he is still trying but I am digging my heels in i do not want it for myself not anymore not now not ever

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:15 pm
There is a way out, i’m routing for you!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Brandie Robinson
says:
February, 16 2018 at 4:58 am
Is there a shelter near you? I know that sounds horrifying, but I too am in an abusive relationship. I've tried to leave, but always end up coming back or staying... But one of the times I left, I went to the local women's shelter. They have a lot of resources. They can help you get a protective order, find work, apply for help from the state..etc.
I know it's not the comfort of your home. But if you get the protective order, you can ask that he vacates your home so you and your kids can move back in.
Good luck to you and your kids. Just try to keep your head up, you and your kids deserve so much better than that! God bless!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:16 pm
Brandie, I hope you manage to eventually leave. Good luck, you deserve so much better.
Tired
says:
February, 8 2018 at 7:58 am
Reading this has helped me today. I just got through this morning on the car ride to work and daycare with being screamed at, in front of our 17 month old, for being upset last night when my fiance refused to help with anything, as usual. I admit I have resentment towards him because we both work full time, same job and company, but yet when we get home, all home and parent duty falls on me: cooking, cleaning, play time. He gets to spend an hour at least outside on the phone with family, smoking weed to wind down and then come in and relax. I give him the silent treatment and then the next day I'm punished with being screamed at for my behavior.

He calls me a stupid b****, dumb wh***, c***, that I "ain't s***" etc. in front of our son and if I ask him to stop saying those things in front of our son his tantrum gets worse and he purposely drops more f bombs in front of him. When we're not arguing, things are calm, he is a great father and sometimes he is nice to me. There are little moments of happiness that I guess I'll have to learn to just enjoy as I can until an opportunity comes where I'm financially and emotionally able to leave.

He swore up and down he was leaving for good this morning, as he usually does when he doesn't get his way. I guess I'll see what he does, as this article says I have no control over his actions anymore.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:18 pm
Tired, you have control over your own actions though! And that means escaping and getting to live a new life without this abuse, please start seeking help.
Ashlee
says:
February, 2 2018 at 10:15 pm
My bf s abusive. Not all of the time, but often. He blames EVERYTHING on me, and I end up believing everything is my fault. He got physical for the first time this past Christmas Eve. He choked me because I went and got groceries, after not being given money for over three weeks to get food. He said horrible things about me and my kids, as he always does when he gets mad and yet, here I am. He says I don't show him affection, and that I don't come onto him, but I'm afraid to get close to him anymore. Being distant keeps my heart safe. Tonight, he was threatening to end things, as he always does when he's broke and has no cigs or weed. When we get to that point, I want nothing more than to tell him I'm done. I have a few times and he manipulates me into staying by threatening to burn whatever I can't take in my hands when hes kicking me out, and by makijg me feel guilty for not trying hard enough to make this work. But at this point, even when I'm so ready to call it quits, I can't. I play the loving sweet funny GF, as I always do, because I'm afraid I will fail and my children will suffer. I came into this relationship with a savings, a vehicle, a whole house full of appliances and furniture and now, that's all gone. Ive had to sell my vehicles to his friends, I drained my savings to help pay the bills because he hates paying them and would get angry when I had to ask for money. My furniture and appliances are ruined because he's always had his friends living with us. He wont let me have one of the 6 vehicles we acquired while weve been together. He says I can't have anything I didnt pay for. Which at this point, isn't anything. He wont let me work, unless its with him and he hangs drywall. I'm 95 lbs and a single sheet weighs more than I do. I just can't win and if I leave I'll have nothing. I dont have family or friends I can stay with and the thought of starting from nothing with two kids relying on me keeps me stuck here in this he'll. I'm MISERABLE and legit hate my life, and this fear just holds me back. I hate being stuck here like this. If it wasnt for my kids, I would have legit killed myself by now, without a doubt.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sue
says:
February, 6 2018 at 5:22 pm
That's exactly what happens to me and I can't find a way out I have put up with a loveless person for over 43 years

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:21 pm
Ashlee, i’m Sure starting again with nothing would be much better than putting up with what you are living with. Stuff is just stuff, think of your Christmas listens and your sanity, I truly believe that is worth more than stuff. If you look I am sure you can find charities etc to help you start again without him. Good luck.
Tj
says:
January, 28 2018 at 10:57 pm
How do I get out.. a young mother with a year and a half daughter. I always told myself I wouldn’t let it get to this point but it has. I’m to depressed, and down to fight for myself anymore and I know that sounds terrible. I just want better for us and to cut off ties with him but that’ll be impossible cause it’s her dad.... any suggestions or words of encouragement would be great thanks.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:24 pm
TJ, I’m not really sure what to say, but there are people out there who can help you. Google domestic violence and your area etc and you should find charities and people that can assist. Good luck!
Sickandtired
says:
January, 28 2018 at 9:28 pm
Married for 8years, 2 kids. Verbally abusive, controlling, gas-lighting, the whole kit, the whole time. He's finally realised how horrible he has been. Now, right at the time when I feel the strongest to leave, he's realised how horrible he has been and is working on his anger management. Early days (since Christmas) but why now. Now I feel terrible about not being in love with him anymore and even though I haven't technically left, I feel guilty about it. I can answer every one of my own questions - because the threat was REAL this time that he will lose us. But it doesn't stop me feeling like the bad person now, that I shouldn't leave. I feel physically sick about it. It would be so much easier if I hated him. Is it stupid to think that it would have been better if he hit me, then I could leave without the guilt? Gah!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

CLL
says:
January, 30 2018 at 12:53 pm
I am in the exact same situation. I have been married for over 14 years and have been verbally and emotionally abused for the entire marriage. At first it wasn't very often, but after kids it took a turn for the worse. He insisted on going to therapy. He realized what a jerk he has been and has been trying to change for the last three months. However, I am not sure this will be permanent or if he is just "running scared". I don't love him anymore. The wounds are too deep, but I feel like if I leave now, I will be the bad guy and will be blamed for the demise of the marriage. Even in counseling, I am beginning to get the "you need to take a leap of faith" and "what can you do to better the relationship?" I was told we are both victims of each other. I was furious. I really want to leave, but with two children, I am scared and want to just do the right thing for them and for myself. I feel your pain. I am right there with you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:25 pm
Please don’t feel guilty, your happiness counts too!
Husband
says:
January, 28 2018 at 2:33 am
Thank you so much this was really helpful. I've been living with an abusive wife for 10 years. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. She is feeding on my heart. I made many mistakes but I've never cheated, insulted or abused her. And now I realize that nothing i say or I do will change her I need to find my inner peace.
Thank you <3

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:25 pm
Good luck and best wishes
V'ronyka
says:
January, 26 2018 at 9:53 pm
I've been leaving for 21 years I'm still scared not of being alone, or being broke or being scared, but I'm scared of taking him back. How can one person have so much power over me.
V'ronyka
says:
January, 26 2018 at 9:51 pm
Thanks
Nikki
says:
January, 21 2018 at 12:17 pm
I just married my husband after an assult in June 2016. I feel scared and stuck. I have tried to leave but have no where to go. And money is non existent. I'm waiting for taxes from my job I lost in December because of his actions as my job. Once I get them I need to get out fast and get a place and job to substain my life. I'm scared I have been homeless and I will not go there again. That's why I'm still here. Just pray he doesn't talk me into staying and using my taxes to get caught up on bills in our home. I need to get out! Any thoughts? No children just me. 29 year old female.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nikki
says:
January, 21 2018 at 12:20 pm
I'm sorry the assult has an upcoming court date January 30tg and the verbal and physical have both got worst. Just I can not leave or put him in jail. But I need out. I'm in Massachusetts and ideas?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nikki
says:
January, 21 2018 at 12:21 pm
2017 we got married not 16

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 22 2018 at 4:24 am
Nikki, Hi, I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. Do you have any close friends or family members that you could reach out to? I think you're on the right track as far as planning a safe exit. The tax refund will certainly help you to have something until you're back on your feet. There are also resources available to women in your predicament. There are hotlines you can call and they will connect you with different programs or advocates that can tell you what they might be able to help you with, anywhere from housing to legal help, etc. I will leave the link to the hotlines here: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/adult-physical-abuse/physically-abused-where-to-get-help-for-physical-abuse/ Thank you for reaching out, please continue to do so anytime! -Emily

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
March, 20 2018 at 5:33 pm
Please google things like domestic violence and your area. I’m sure there are people to help you. Good luck
Jade
says:
January, 20 2018 at 12:51 am
I need advice guys, I am in an abusive verbal relationship with my boyfriend. We already broke up and it was actually painful for me. I begged him to stay, down on my knees, but he kept insulting me, disrespecting every part of me as a woman. Thats the point in my life I decided just to stay away and move on. However, I have not yet fully moved on from him. I still love him. Until just today, he texted me again and told me to come back, told me how much he loves me. My feelings grew again. Im confused, im afraid. What shall I do? i just cant leave him. Please help me

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Eva
says:
January, 21 2018 at 9:57 pm
Don 't go back.Cut all ties and give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship.Do that or you will never forgive yourself as it can only get worse.Start working on loving yourself more then loving people who treat you that way.You will then attract people that respect you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jes
says:
January, 27 2018 at 3:40 pm
Hi,
Do NOT go back to him. If you do not have a support system please call the national domestic violence hotline- 1800-799-7233.

Ask for help, tell them you need a support group if you have no one.

He is only playing games to satisfy his narcissism. Sending love, and encouragement to leave.
HouseWife
says:
January, 15 2018 at 6:49 am
Thank you for this article. As I sit crying on the bottom bunk of my sons room I feel a little stronger. I know leaving isn’t an option so I can make tomorrow better than today.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

C
says:
January, 15 2018 at 3:21 pm
I can understand. I've been on that bottom bunk, literally, myself. I am leaving after almost 10 years. I deserve so much more and deserve happiness. God bless you and be strong.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
says:
January, 19 2018 at 2:03 am
I am trying to leave too. I have been married for over 15 years. It's hard to leave. I am so dependent on him. I am slowly trying to do everything without his help, but I think he's onto me. He insists on taking our daughter to daycare in the mornings. I need to know that I can make it without him. Thank you for writing this. I need all the strength I can muster, I feel so weak and incapable. He constantly reminds me of how I always mess things up and compares me to any strange or ugly looking thing on television in front of our daughters. Good luck to all who are in the same spot.
Chantel
says:
January, 13 2018 at 8:48 pm
How do I get out !

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Chantel
says:
January, 13 2018 at 8:52 pm
This guy I was seeing broke my jaw last year came back 10 months later and broke my rib I fought back he’s in jail what do I do he still want to leave me alone I just don’t know what to do anymore I don’t feel scared I feel happy but then again I feel sad wishing things would go away idk drinking ruins everything that’s the only time it would happen !!! But what next what will happen next do guys really change if they really want too ??

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 14 2018 at 4:19 pm
Chantel, I'm so sorry for everything you've suffered! I hate to say it, but no I do not believe a man that is capable of doing those things to you has much potential for change. Sadly, things typically just continue to get worse, not better. I hope you're able to steer clear of this guy and move on to live a safer, happier, more deserving life for yourself. Drinking may be in part to blame, but his character is the number one thing to blame here. Alcohol or no alcohol, those are some egregious actions committed by someone capable of doing so. I'm so sorry Chantel. Please reach out to us anytime. Thanks, Emily
bridget
says:
January, 9 2018 at 9:43 am
I need to get out of my marriage. My husband is not always mean but he has a sharp tongue and is quick to call me names, even the kids (mine and his). It has gotten physical before but he doesn't try and control money, or stop me from seeing people. He doesn't work anymore, but I work full time. He stays home with the kids. I want to leave, I really do but I have no family or close friends to go to and I don't want to leave my kids. How do I make him leave? I want this to stop. I don't want my kids to grow up frightened or angry or act like him. What should I do? He hasn't hit me in a long time but the verbal/mental abuse is every day.
bridget
says:
January, 9 2018 at 9:40 am
help me find a way out
Jess
says:
January, 9 2018 at 1:31 am
Please find Alanon Meetings and attend them, I wish you well, you are not alone xo
Mandy
says:
January, 2 2018 at 12:34 am
My live has become so bad I meet this man 6 years ago and have not be able to leave. He is abusive and plays mind games I no longer no who I am. He is an acholic and drug addict not to meantion a porn addict, in which I just found out and not normal porn. I have no say in anything and I can't even turn the tv down so I can sleep I work a lot and I'm up at 5am but he has the tv loud and calls me controlling because I aks tomtunr it down he calls me terrible names and kicks me out into my own room when he no longer wants me. He lies about everything. The threats he is going to but my body in acid is all the time. He threatens that he will kill me if I find another man. I am so scared and have lost my power I am a shell of a person now. I am scared to be on my own and scared to stay. He talks badly about me to his family and beat me up And I lost our baby of 5 months I had him charged but dropped it now at family events he goes on about how I had him locked up he is sick so sick and so mean, I wished I could walk away but the person I am is no longer... I have tried to get help from therapist but it's not worked. They all say I'm in danger but I can't see it. I wished someone could help me get away, I see myself as the star in sleeping with the enemy..

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

T B
says:
January, 8 2018 at 6:00 pm
I literally cannot see a single reason why this man appeals. Would you recommend him to a friend? Is it possible another guy could be any worse? It seems very unlikely!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Finn
says:
January, 9 2018 at 6:29 pm
T B Your comment is not in the spirit of what Kellie Holly just took the time to write out up there. It comes off as victim blaming. There are obviously reasons Mandy is staying with this man.

Mandy-- it took me probably 5 or 6 tries to leave my abusive ex. By the end I knew in my heart what I need to do, but god, it was so hard. Getting back together with him was always the best. It was the honeymoon period of relationships over and over. He would treat me so well. For maybe a month....

I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic. I have several years clean now. My abusive ex was also an addict and alcoholic. We would pull each other continuously into our cycles of relapse, drug abuse, getting clean, blaming each other, justifying what we were doing, resenting the other when one of us was sober. In the end how I think of it in my mind is that HE was one of my drugs. My life would be horrible with him, a new low, I would want to die everyday. I would somehow manage the energy to quit him. I would get out, and feel so joyful for a few days! But then after a while, I would only remember all of the good times. I would crave him. I would tell myself it would be different this time.

I had to quit him as I quit any other drug... face the facts: it's the same thing every time, it will NOT get any better, it will lead to pain and suffering. Quit 100% and not leave any little crack for him to get through. The things he told my friends in an attempt to get information to me was astonishing. He tried begging, he tried looking like he was doing well, he tried looking like he was on his deathbed and needed me. In the end the only way I broke it off was by spending several months halfway across the country.

This was almost a year ago. I still crave him. But like any drug, I know it's not worth it. Sometimes I think he will change and we'll be together again someday. Sometimes I genuinely wish he would die and leave this earth.

You ARE in danger and I think you know this. I'm sure your therapist has resources for you. All I can do is say I've been there and share my experience with you. I hope you find a way out of that absolute hell. Nobody can prepare you for that kind of mind messing.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Susan Glazebrook
says:
January, 10 2018 at 7:02 pm
Mandy, You are so brave to write your comments. I'm still in my husbands life.We been married 29 years. You have strength within you you don't even know is there. My kids are all grown and hee I STILL am being abused EVERYDAY. NOT PHYSICALLY BUT EVERY OTHER WAY.You will be in my prayers.
Knowledge is power......let me at that again Knowledge is power. Please read, read, read everything you can get your hands on. Join narcissist groups on Facebook. You are not alone. You are a super wonderful person. Good luck to you and remember read read.
Ming
says:
December, 29 2017 at 7:53 pm
This year has been the best and the worst year of my life. I met my fiancé late May at a strip club and the moment I saw her, I fell in love with her. She is beautiful, smart, and fun to talk to. Only when she is not high off cocaine or drunk. Or both, which happens more often than not. We got engaged in August in Vancouver when we went to visit her parents. Her family adores me and sees that I am making a positive change in her life, but for the past two or so months, things haven't been great. I have been called many, many names, embarrassed in public, and disrespected beyond belief. I grew up with an emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive dad and as a result, I suffer from depression, anxiety, low sense of self esteem, and a low sense of self worth. Lately, our arguments (which is mostly her yelling at me and berating me) have been about money. I bought her expensive gifts, I paid almost $1000CAD for her to do her hair, I bought her a new iPad Pro, and I bought her friend (who is a WONDERFUL person and a honest, loving mother) a new Nikon camera because she lost hers. Every trip I take to see her costs me $1000USD. And that's excluding the plane ticket. I'm totally broke at this point, and I took out a $16,000 loan and that's almost gone too. My credit cards are almost all maxed out, and now I have student loans to worry about every month. I'm also a nursing student who put his school aside because we were suppose to get married and move in together, so my life is at a complete standstill at the moment. And as a student, it's not too much of a surprise that I had to take out loans. All my friends that I talk to about her tells me that she is holding me down in life, which is true. I just can't seem to find the courage to end things. Earlier today, she took off the engagement ring after one of her drunken verbal abuse episodes, and threw it on the counter so hard that she lost it. I've been called weak, stupid, idiot, immature, pathetic, and disgusting on a daily basis.
I don't know why I'm still in her condo. She's asleep in the bedroom and I'm on the couch. I love her so much, but it's a one way relationship and that hurts so much. After 16 years of abuse from my dad, the last thing I want is abuse from a spouse... I know what I have to do, but I don't know how to do it...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

T B
says:
January, 8 2018 at 5:58 pm
I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. It just gets worse. I did not realize I could love him and still leave. Putting up with the insults -- crazy, b**ch, pathetic -- was not loving. If you have kids this will be their model. You deserve better.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ming
says:
January, 19 2018 at 2:18 pm
I'm sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship too. Nobody deserves to be berated and it hurts more coming from somebody you trusted and love. I wouldn't want my kids to grow up in an abusive environment, but in her defense, she is bipolar and doesn't take lithium because of her vices.

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