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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

January 22, 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 15 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:25 pm
You can call 1800799 SAFE and they will help you.
Patty
says:
August, 18 2017 at 5:31 pm
HELP, not physical, emotional dependent. Hurting EVERY DAY!!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

August, 20 2017 at 3:48 am
Hi Patty,

I hope you are OK. I'm Emma-Marie, author of the <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/06/introduction-to-emma-marie-smith/" target="_blank">Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog</a> for HealthyPlace, and I am thinking you might find some of my articles helpful. The blog draws on my personal experience of what you're describing and hopefully provides insight and furthers understanding of domestic abuse as a whole.

If you're in need of more immediate help, please consider calling the Domestic Abuse hotline, the details of which can be found on our <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">resources page</a>.

Please know that I hear you. I am with you, as are many others in this online community. We know that emotional abuse can hurt just as much as physical abuse, and we know what it's like to be utterly dependent on the person who inflicts that pain. You will come out the other side if you really want to.

Stay strong. Emma x
Jamie
says:
August, 17 2017 at 4:24 pm
I refuse to leave my dog. He's been my lifeline and I don't have enough money to get a place alone that will take him too. So I'm staying. I also work from home. I don't stand a chance without having a place to work. So I stay. And I love him. So I stay. Idk what to do.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Patty
says:
August, 18 2017 at 5:34 pm
You don't deserve to feel like you do, it sucks so much but you need to get the mental strength to figure it out! !!
Julie
says:
August, 16 2017 at 1:52 pm
I,m being abused and feel so alone and always criticized, blamed for everything and get when do you get done at work? Don't they give you a schedule? They judge everyone and me and brag my church says this or just use religion and I feel even worse! I'm 23 and the effecting me a lot
Dirty, Nerdy, and Finally THIRTY | Take Back Your SEX
says:
August, 15 2017 at 9:29 am
For 3 years before marriage, and before separating, I went to counseling ‘just to be sure’. I was terrified to leave. I didn’t think I deserved happiness. It felt like the right thing to do to stick it out.
August
says:
August, 14 2017 at 6:17 pm
"Please "DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DAUGHTER" under any circustances, "DO NOT LEAVE HER WITH YOUR ABUSER", Please listen to your gut, take your Daughter with you, or you may never, ever, have a
Daughter again...Believe Me, Please...I Pray For You Right Now!!!
Nancy
says:
August, 13 2017 at 6:45 am
I'm leaving an abusive marriage today and going to a women's shelter. No car, $50, no phone. The hardest part is leaving our 11 yr old daughter with him. He doesn't abuse her and is the only one with a car. Im going to visit her often, even if I have to walk 5 miles.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tt
says:
August, 17 2017 at 2:16 pm
The last thing you want to do is leave your daughter with an abusive husband. I'm in a similar situation with a baby, and I would never dare to leave my daughter with him. Eventually your husband will use your daughter as a punching bag since he obviously is unable to control his emotions and stress level. Your daughter needs u more than anything... especially at a time where she is becoming a teenager. You should read up on how teens will go to their moms even more than their dads more support. Stay with your daughter and leave that bastored.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lo
says:
August, 30 2017 at 6:51 pm
Please i beg you go get your child there are family shelters . dont leave her with him thats a horrible chocie . if you love her u need to get her now! Pick her up from school early and run. Thats your child and u need to protect her. Leaving her is not safe
Roy
says:
August, 12 2017 at 5:26 pm
8 years started to have unpredictable outbursts of rage beginning in our 2 yrs of dating. They continued into our marriage where I'd get hit. That stopped, bt the cycle of rage continued interspersed with great periods of kindness/love only to be sideline, isolated/not talked or touched for weeks or months if I said the wrong thing. Tried counslng 3 times and now have a counselor telling me I need to leave. It scares me to be alone; I often wonder if I am making a mistake or perceived things incorrectly. I think back on going to sleep and wishing I wouldn't wake up to make the pain stop and know I should leave bt still difficult.
Kathy
says:
August, 6 2017 at 11:24 am
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 35 years. The truth of the abuse did not become clear until recently. I want to leave and live my own life and regain my self-esteem, feelings of self-worth and to finally find some peace and joy for myself. But I am scared. Scared about money, scared my grown children will side with my husband. Scared about navigating things like health coverage... I'm 59. With my low self-esteem I have become quite isolated and do not have any family or friends for emotional support. These are the reasons I stay.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Debbie
says:
August, 11 2017 at 8:27 pm
I understand Cathy although I have been married for 18 years. I'm isolated in a state where I know no one and have no living family. I have realized that it will never get better it has escalated. I called a lawyer today only to get a voice mail. I left a message for a consultation and I pray that I have enough courage and strength when he returns my call. Of course it's a Friday. I pray that you can find the support you need. I hope and pray to live the rest of our lives with love and laughter.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ruthann
says:
August, 12 2017 at 6:37 am
Hi My name is Ann
I'm 51 yr s old My grown children moved to other states My Husband gets furious if I call or try to go out with my sisters I don't go because I think to myself it's not worth the argument.Here I am talking to strangers about my problems and feel hopeless. The worst part about all this is I don't drive I can't find a job bc I have nt worked in yrs do to raising family disability etc I wake up every day with a positive attitude but as the day goes on it grows weaker. To boot all one of my sisters just passed away My husband refused to go to funeral because he doesn't get along with my sisters
He got upset with me the other day because I spent $35 on my dog He has allergies he needed Medicine the poor thing was itching so bad it's all I have left
Mike
says:
August, 6 2017 at 12:15 am
My wife will never see how much she hurts me by the way she abuses me emotionally. I feel so worthless like im nothing to her. I constantly feel like taking my own life because i feel so hated by her. I just feel like a ghost to her i don't exist in her world even though she says she loves me. All i expect from her is love, trust and respect but i feel like i will never get that from her no matter how hard i try. She will never see the harm she is causing me i love her to death but i cant keep looking past the way i feel inside she could never understand and doesn't want to understand. I feel like every step i take is a mistake always feeling like im walking on eggshells not knowing what i will get yelled at for even stuff that isnt my fault. She just keeps punishing and threatening me for everything. Everything makes her angry and doesn't see how she is towards me. Im just so frustrated with all of this when i talk to her its like i dont even matter or that my feelings don't even matter to her. All i want is for her to spend time with me, trust, love and care but idk what else to do when all hope is gone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jen
says:
August, 18 2017 at 6:38 pm
Hey! Are you doing alright. I came across your post because I looked up information On the same situation. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Hopefully you are alright. Remember your self worth is not dependent on somebody else. I know it's easier said than accepted cause I'm literally in the same boat and am trying to find courage to leave the situation behind me. Please let me know if you are fight okay.
Zana
says:
August, 4 2017 at 11:35 am
I've been in a relationship for 8yrs going on 9 and he has never assaulted me in the past. But we have a baby a year ago, and 2 months into parenthood he started to get abusive. He fails to support both me and our son, he's quit work and seems to have suddenly lost ambition and it drives me crazy. I have to make ends meet to take care of all 3 of us, while in college trying to get a qualification. I wanna leave so bad, sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm doing for my son to have a relationship with his dad. Coz I've left in the past, when it all started, but he didn't come around to see our son.
Laura B.
says:
August, 3 2017 at 6:29 pm
In a relationship 8yrs. Married 3. Dated 5. 3 children 2 of which are from a previous marriage. He never accepted my boys but because I was "so in love" I married anyway. Verbally and Emotionally abusive to me since the beginning. My boys eventually felt the lack of attention and affection and it created a huge wedge and tension anytime all of us were together. Feel like crap now because my boys (now older) dont want anything to do with him or even to come by. He recently went out of town for 1wk and upon dropping him off to the airport I felt relief and then I was shocked at that relief. Im numb now and don't know what to feel. He wants to try to fix things now but I have heard this before and dunno if I should trust it but also feel guilt like i'm giving up. I never wanted another divorce but if I stay I feel like i'm betraying my boys again. Help
Jordan
says:
August, 3 2017 at 9:43 am
I am in a abusive relationship. I have two kids and other one on the way. I want to leave but he had all the money because he won't let me go to work. His father just got out of jail for stabbing his wife. I really don't want this to happen to me. Please help me.
Gia
says:
August, 1 2017 at 7:30 pm
I've been in an abusive relationship for 3 months now. I want to leave but I love him so much. I just don't know what to do. He stole everything from me including my license, birth certificate, social security card, credit card, insurance cards..
Everything of importance in my wallet. When I do actually pack my stuff and leave, somehow he pursuades me into coming back with the I'm sorrys and I love yous... Help me I need to get away!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Emily
says:
August, 8 2017 at 3:13 pm
Hello Gia, I'm gonna give you some advice , I've been in an abusive relationship for nearly two years now , at the start of my relationship when things began to get abusive I used to believe he was only being that way temporarily and I thought he would change , he did change but in the wrong way, he "changed" as in "he got worse" I know it's really hard to leave because I still haven't either but I wish I did early on in the relationship because the longer I've stayed the more he's made me love him by doing all the nice things in between all the nasty things , I wish I could go back to the start and leave early on, he will get worse , he will make u feel more loved by giving u more good memories and he will take your mind off the bad ones , I know leaving is really really hard because I'm in the same position as you, but trust me , it will be much much easier for you to leave him now then to let it go on, block him once you've left so he can't make u forgive him. Get a new phone number , new Facebook account , new everything , delete all your photos that you have of him. Make it easier for yourself , don't let it go on because he will definitely get worse , it will be much harder to leave him once you let him get away with everything , if you can't leave then you need to say no to the things you don't wanna do, don't let him win. Don't let him control you, play him at his own game, if he dumps you don't go running back to him straight away , make him wait a few weeks or days for you, the longer you make him wait and less you allow him to control you the more likely he is to stop, not many abusive people change though so if playing him at his own game a couple of times doesn't work, then leave , don't be abusive to him just don't let him control you and don't let him get away with anything xx hope this helps x
Xtine
says:
August, 1 2017 at 5:20 pm
Now i know what i am going through for 19 yrs...stupid all these years...never again! !!
Jessica Anna Rockett
says:
July, 30 2017 at 3:06 pm
I too am.in a relationship like this &amp; need help. Please email me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Louvenia Black
says:
August, 1 2017 at 9:50 pm
Hi read this is very helpful
Skittle
says:
July, 27 2017 at 3:53 pm
I can feel this. Right now i am crying and thinking why can't i get over with him and stop loving him. He is cheating on me and then he apologizes me and we get close again. He ignores me i will be crying and he walks away. I don't know might be i have become too sensitive. It has been 6 years and i am still not emotionally in peace and secure. He give different names to his cheating. I think he knows how to play with my heart and brain. I really want to get out of this relationship but i can't live without him might i am addicted to him. I have been through depression 4 times and literally got upto point where i wanted tp suicide because life with him was miserable and without him impossible. I wish i knew some magic where i can make him loyal and become his priority.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alexa
says:
July, 29 2017 at 8:29 pm
I have never related so much to something ever. i thought i was the only one who felt like that. I've been in the same situation for 2 years now. I would love it if you emailed or texted me so we could talk more about it. i've just never met someone who could relate to me before

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
August, 1 2017 at 8:44 pm
I know exactly what you mean. For some who do not I have not been able to find a job and all of the money is in his name. The online application screens me out from the 50 or more questions and I cannot leave plus I do not have anyone to help me financial and extremely little help to find a decent job.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Beth
says:
August, 10 2017 at 8:29 am
Skittle , I'm in the same position like you ,can't breathe, can't function his always on my mind .I wish there is a pill to take this misery .I finally left my ex abusive narcissist boyfriend of 4 years .I end up filing a restraining order and called the police on him .I knew then I was done with him .That was the end of it .I need to do this for my safety and sanity and no other way out .Otherwise the abuse will never end and I will end up dead, miserable or live unhappy life .
I'm still struggling everyday and have a hard time moving on without thinking of him every single day
I'm driving a therapist ever since I started dating him.Im confused battered verbally,emotionally and physically.Nothing I do is right .I lost my self esteem, my self confidence and self respect .I didn't no who I was anymore .I work in healthcare setting and no matter what professional you're in there's no immunity when your heart rules your head .I lost my self .Please get some help , Donestic violence support group in your area and see a therapist .You have to sever your ties .Its very hard but the pain is only temporary but staying with him gives you more intense pain emotionally and the abuse will never end .
Veronique
says:
July, 27 2017 at 10:21 am
I just recently left an abusive relationship. He calls my phone block and he sends me messages through an app. Stating that if I come back to live with him I'll never leave. I've blocked every number he contacts me from. I'm afraid to change my number because I feel he will go as far as stalking me to find out my where abouts. He knows nothing about where I live now. But he's popped up at my moms place and we had to threaten to call the cops for him to leave. God and family helped me to leave him and I know God and hopefully the law will help protect me from him. You can leave an abusive partner. Know your worth. Cross the bridges when you get there. You only get one life. Money comes and go, you can find love elsewhere, kids deserve better, and more

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

tj
says:
July, 31 2017 at 10:44 am
how did you leave? I am afraid every time I want to leave he beats me and threatens to kill my family. and if I call the cops he will have one of his friends hurt my family. idk what to do I feel trapped and need help getting out!
CJ
says:
July, 25 2017 at 11:31 am
This sounds also too familiar to me. I moved countries to be with a man who I did grow very close to, the problems started when he was drunk, he would get very aggressive (with everyone, not always just me) and then one night we came home and he started screaming at me and told me to leave. I spent the night sat on a bench wondering what i'd done. It got into a cycle where things would get better and he'd apologise and we'd get close again and have really good times, but whenever he had a bit of stress, he would abuse alcohol and turn into this monster. He would spend hours screaming at me about how useless I am and how sh*t I am and how my family hate me and using things about my past (I was married, to a cheating user, now divorced), he would say that it was my mistakes that ended my marriage and no one needs someone like me in their life. This would go on and on, then he stopped drinking and for the last three months we had no problem. He runs a restaurant and I work with him and live with him so I don't take a wage, even though its his, not ours, (now I write it I realise how stupid that sounds). I help him look after his two dogs, I shop, clean, cook, while he lives the life of a 20 year old, stays out when he wants, does what he wants etc, (I'm 33, hes 39). If I want to go see a friend, and I only have a few here, he will question why I need to go now, why not another day, then ask me what I did and call me and say to say hi to my friend so he knows that I'm where I say I am. One minute he says we're a couple, and I'm so important to him, the next he tells me i'm nothing but disgusting and I'm only here because he needs me to do all I do for him. Id always put his aggression down to his past, his mum died when he was very young, and he has a child with an ex, but she moved away with the child without telling him so he has no contact anymore, plus numerous other things. But after this last period of us getting on great and growing closer he started to drink a few days ago... he's hurt me physically in the past by throwing things at me or trapping me between the bed and the wall then shoving the bed at me, hes also smashed my glasses off my face which broke them and hes smashed up my laptop and mobile phone. Hes also shoved me to the floor a few times in anger, but this time he had only drank two or three beers, we started to fight at work as I had asked to change the music because people had complained about it (he always listens to techno when he starts to drink, not great for a restaurant atmosphere) and hed got aggro with me over that, then the insults started, he called me into the kitchen to scream at me about how sh*t I was and how I could just leave. Despite knowing when I say I leave it makes him worse, I couldn't help but shout back that I will go then and he can work the whole shop himself. When we closed the evening I asked if I should take a hotel or was I going to be in for a night of sh*t and he kept saying listen when I answer you, I don't answer you again, which made no sense. I should have known, he got in first, and I heard him screaming at that dogs, said that they had destroyed something, which they hadn't. Then he turned on me, screaming again about how he hates me and my family (who are coming to visit next week), they gave him money to help start his business and he is not one bit grateful for it and I ooubt they'll see it again... but anyway he screamed on and on all the usual abuse about how I'm worthless and an awful person, then he said he wasn't even so drunk this time, so I cant blame alcohol, threw me on the floor, so I started trying to get away from him, then he threw his keys at my head with such force they came off the keyring and I had an instant lump on my head, then as I covered my head started punching and kicking me as I lay on the floor crying. He told me to apologise and I said I was sorry and he said for what, tell him for what, I kept saying I was sorry but he kept kicking me. He laughed at how pathetic I looked and then punched me again and kept laughing. Eventually he stopped, and went to sleep on the sofa. I went to bed. When I woke up the next day my whole arm and leg are black and blue, swollen and painful, as well as the lump on my head which is still sore to touch. That was the night before last and he has acted like everything is fine, he hasn't mentioned anything about it, hasn't apologised, hasn't asked why I'm limping or swallowing painkillers, and ive made sure to wear clothes that show the bruises at home so he knows what hes done. I think its time to accept that he doesn't care about me, he only cares about himself and the help he needs from me and anything else is just spin to make me stay with him. So after all of this, why the hell am I finding it so hard to be able to leave? I would have to leave overnight or when hes out because as before, if I have tried to pack my bags and go, he either throws me to the floor or rips my bags open and throws all my stuff around. But I know he is stuck without me, his business would fail and he wouldn't be able to look after the dogs and the shop and have any kind of life also. I also know that this is what he deserves, and when he tells me I deserve to be punched and kicked that that's not true, but why would I feel so guilty for leaving him?
millisa smith
says:
July, 24 2017 at 1:02 am
Sounds like my abuser
Star
says:
July, 23 2017 at 4:02 am
I'm in a abusive relationship and realizing it now. planning to leave soon I live with him and I'm acting like everything is OK I don't want him to know I'm leaving he says I'm his and I'm not going anywhere im dying on the inside the other night he choked me and punch me in my face it seems like things are getting worse when we argue this time was bad but I guess every time is I was crying and he said when your done come lay down how can a person be so cruel he won't give me any space very over barring he doesn't look at what he did is wrong and that's what scares me I don't have low self esteem I know I deserve better I'm making the decision to leave this abuser and never looking back.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Notenough
says:
July, 25 2017 at 9:46 pm
I know how you feel. I'm at this moment crying and laying next to him and yet he doesn't care. I scream I'm not shot and he laughed ok... I hate how he makes me feel! I want to leave! But I don't know why I stay. Is it for my kids or why! God help me before it gets worse.
Khine
says:
July, 12 2017 at 9:49 pm
Leaving and get out from abusive is ok. I have one question that are they gonna change their behavior or they will change victim ? When they are going to realize they are wrong?
Cortney
says:
July, 8 2017 at 12:04 pm
I personally am in an emotionally abusive relationship and on top of this I struggle with depression....I found this article quite helpful though because for the first time it sounds as though someone who has been where I am is writing it...For all those who have not been through this you cannot and will not understand what this article is truly saying and how much it can help those of us (like me), who don't have the courage to leave...But I am here now saying that this comforted me in ways I haven't known in years...My family abandoned me when I decided to stay but this article is right..I dont have excuses for staying, I have reasons...A five year old who only knows a daddy she loves and admires...A buisness that cannot continue without someone on the side right now pitching in (no matter how little)....I can't leave but one day I will and until then this is the only comfort I have found...Because everyone else gave up on me..Think leaving is an easy choice...Sure, if I wanna lose everything I have spent the past 6years working for..

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Deb
says:
July, 10 2017 at 7:54 pm
Thank you for this article and the kindness you have shared!!! I cannot express how helpful this has been to me!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jane Smith
says:
July, 13 2017 at 8:27 am
I am in the same scenario. I am choosing to stay in my emotionally abusive relationship for my own personal reasons. I have learned what to do and what no to do. I found a website that has REALLY helped me immensely. It's a messageboard called BPDFamily.org . It's divided into sections for people who are in different stages of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder (something MANY abusers have).
Pat
says:
July, 4 2017 at 2:46 pm
Thanks for the non support!
R.R.
says:
June, 21 2017 at 2:56 pm
I found comfort in reading Psalms 147:3.
Anyone
says:
June, 13 2017 at 1:32 am
Praying for strength
Lay
says:
June, 10 2017 at 1:48 am
Hey ladies. Im in an abusive relationship too. Disrespects me, threatens that he would kill me, physically hits me, i mesn treats me like dirt. Im isolated and feel alone. He contols me. I only go to work and come back home. Only wants me to be with him. Says i dont need friends and im weak because i need them. The list goes on. Im always lying to people on a regular about my lifestyle and always lying and making uo excuses when people ask me to hang out, etc

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

t
says:
June, 20 2017 at 6:38 pm
I feel the same way, I feel isolated and alone I feel like I am in hell!! it first started off as me &amp; him going out places but every time we go out he says I am staring at some man and having sexual thoughts about them. Than it was if you hear someone playing loud music in their car don't look and if you do your thirsty or a hoe. It has gotten so bad that when we go any where I keep my head down, look in my phone, or play with my nails so he doesn't think I am looking for attention. It has gotten so bad to the point where we were in Wal mart shopping with his male cousin, he cousin was walking towards us and I looked up and than turned my head when I noticed his cousin, and now he is saying I want to be in a relationship with his cousin. he constantly calls me out my name, he physically, mentally, emotionally abuses me. I am 20 years old and feel twice my age, I was 120 pounds I am now 107 I have lost weight from not eating and being stressed. I am scared for my life, I want to leave but I cant leave! he keeps telling me if I leave he will kill my mom, or my brother, or have somebody beat me black and blue. he saying I cant leave until he takes what he wants from me. I don't have anyone to talk to you, I have no friends anymore, he put a tracker on my phone, he blows my work phone up to make sure I am at work, I don't want to go out and have fun with him anymore every time we go out he accuses me of looking at someone. I barely see my family because he doesn't like them, and when I do he blows my phone up constantly accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated on him or any of my past boyfriends. I just want out of this relationship but I am scared! I have more hate in my heart than love for him now...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Becca
says:
July, 18 2017 at 8:11 pm
My boyfriend as well treats me like dirt. He has such a problem with the fact that I have had past relationships before I ever even met him. He constantly ruins our entire day because he says he has no respect for me. I have only slept with two people before him!!! He has tracked me and is constantly wondering where I am. All of my friends left me. They did not want to be around someone who stuck in a relationship like this. And the sad part is that I barley have any reasons to even stay. I feel like something is wrong with me and that I'm going crazy. I'm constantly being called a s**t and a w***e as well as useless. I've never cheated on him or anyone. He actually cheated on me! Yet even after I still stayed with him and he STILL continues to accuse me of cheating and "wanting too much d**k". I am a good person and I do believe that. I am trustworthy. But I feel so alone. I know this article says that if people (friends and family) leave you it's okay because you have your reasons. But I'm just trapped in this loop. Scared to make a change. He has made me feel as if I am dead and that there is something wrong with me. He has never hit me. But I am scared if I stay any longer in the relationship. It's so hard to leave. And it's nice to know that others are going through the same thing and that I'm not just crazy for staying here.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 19 2017 at 3:13 am
Hi Becca,

Thank you for your comment and well done for sharing your story with us.

The relationship you're describing sounds very unhealthy. Know that no matter how many people you've slept with, you still deserve to be treated with respect. Nobody deserves to be called those things -- especially by somebody who is supposed to love and care for them.

When we're in a relationship with someone who fails to understand us, we often end up feeling more alone than if were single. This was certainly true of <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/06/introduction-to-emma-marie-smith/" target="_blank">my experience</a>. I too felt "dead" and ashamed of who I was. I also withdrew from friends and family.

It doesn't have to be like this though. I am worried for your emotional and physical well-being if you stay in this relationship. You're absolutely right in that emotional abuse is often one of the first signs that a relationship will become physically abusive down the line.

I know you feel trapped, but trust me when I say there is a better life out there for you than this. It won't be easy to leave, but if you stay the abuse is only likely to get worse. You might find it helpful the call the Domestic Violence Helpline, which can be found on our <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">help and resources page</a>

Good luck, and know that you're not alone in this. Big hugs, Emma-Marie xxx

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Yana
says:
July, 20 2017 at 1:28 pm
Omg... this sounds like my abuser!!! U can email me if u like

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Skye
says:
July, 22 2017 at 4:41 am
OMG this sounds like my situation. He says he tells me things about why I should change my behavior. "I'm trying to bring things to your attention to help you". Gas lighting is part of my situation...tries to make me think I'm crazy or didn't hear things right. Lives with me, doesn't financially contribute, withholds sex sometimes, puts me down and when he sees any self confident or happiness in me...he will do something to even the score. Last night he crashed his high school reunion and told me how much fun he had dancing and talking with other people. I can't trust him. I'm isolated and shut down. Depressed and anxious and stuck. Feel guilty because he has nowhere to go except live in a garage which he says is fine. Often said I'm responsible for his divorce. Even though their relationship had nothing there which he admits. He doesn't see his child and complains about paying support. This would never be ok. I'm down to 2 things. Food and sleep. He stuffs food in my face and As a result have gained weight. I have lost friends. He keeps me up at night. We eat dinner at 9 frequently. Food and sleep. That's all I ask for. I'm college educated and have a career. Work is all that makes me happy at the moment and knowing all this and yet I haven't left. Yet. Nice to know I'm not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Skye
says:
July, 22 2017 at 4:41 am
OMG this sounds like my situation.i feel so alone. He says he tells me things about why I should change my behavior. "I'm trying to bring things to your attention to help you". Gas lighting is part of my situation...tries to make me think I'm crazy or didn't hear things right. Lives with me, doesn't financially contribute, withholds sex sometimes, puts me down and when he sees any self confident or happiness in me...he will do something to even the score. Last night he crashed his high school reunion and told me how much fun he had dancing and talking with other people. I can't trust him. I'm isolated and shut down. Depressed and anxious and stuck. Feel guilty because he has nowhere to go except live in a garage which he says is fine. Often said I'm responsible for his divorce. Even though their relationship had nothing there which he admits. He doesn't see his child and complains about paying support. This would never be ok. I'm down to 2 things. Food and sleep. He stuffs food in my face and As a result have gained weight. I have lost friends. He keeps me up at night. We eat dinner at 9 frequently. Food and sleep. That's all I ask for. I'm college educated and have a career. Work is all that makes me happy at the moment and knowing all this and yet I haven't left. Yet. Nice to know I'm not alone.
Tina
says:
June, 9 2017 at 8:44 pm
I don't know if I'd call my relationship abusive but that's what everyone says I grew up with a lot of anger and overdosed because of it but the man I'm with now I love him deeply and he's loyal but if I wear or say something he doesn't like and a slut and he gets mad a me when he says I don't listen to him and I always have to do what he says, ask permission to go places, and I've had to get rid of friends because a girl with guy friends is a slut he gets mad at me when I cry and it makes situations even worse. I know I'm overly sensitive maybe that's the whole problem. I don't know what to do.

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