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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

January 22, 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Seint
says:
October, 9 2017 at 8:17 pm
I pray everyday.. but what to do my situation is getting worse everyday..
Rather not say
says:
September, 14 2017 at 8:09 am
Um.. Im 18 with a 8 month old daughter. Her father been abusing me physical for 2 years now.. I can't take getting beat anymore. Like he doesn't do every day, but more he emotionally and mentally abuses me everyday but physically is every couple months usually 5-7 months then he will beat the living shit out of me. Like my body and gut is telling if I take another beating I'll die or be very injured. The last time he did it was 5 months ago and I know its going to happen again soon.. I'm scared. For my life, I'm scares that next time he hits me in the head will be my last... I want to leave him, but I can't.. I can't bring myself too. But I don't want to die... Like my body physical is like 40 year old now form all the beatings. I need help... I don't know who to go to, I finally told my mom what he has done and his parents known the whole time because they would come and hide me and make sure I wouldnt call the cops or go to the doctors to make sure I'm okay.. I'm scared of being left alone with him. I don't want to get beat cause this time I will be injured to the pint something bad will happen. But he won't let me leave, he said if I do he will kill me or kill himself.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rather not say
says:
September, 14 2017 at 8:16 am
He also scares me for our daughter when we figg he breaks all her shit and screams and doesn't care g around I beg him to let get her away. But he won't let me, I want to leave him because I'm scared he will accidently hurt her one of these days. I need help leaving him.. Please help me... Idk what to do

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Staci
says:
September, 17 2017 at 3:19 pm
There are shelters that will help you. You need to make a plan. Seriously find out your resources and start planning to leave. I wish I could help you as I am going through something similar. I'm in a safe place now but, he still tries to Manipulate me to go back. I'm 47 and hated my life with him. I loved him and were married. I will not be abused anymore. I'm happier now and dealing with the aftermath of an abusive marriage. You can do it and be a great example to your daughter not to ever put up with abuse ever in life. No one deserves to be hurt ever.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 20 2017 at 1:24 am
Dear Rather Not Say,

Well done for reaching out to others on this site. But I have to say in this instance, however brave you are for sharing your story, it's not enough to keep you safe. What you need is practical help to get you and your daughter out of immediate danger. Then you will need emotional guidance on how to cope with the after-effects of abuse and remain safe. There are tonnes of resources for this, and the HealthyPlace site is a wonderful resource.

Please call one of these helplines straight away.
Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233 (If you live in the US)

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (UK).

Both numbers should be manned 24 hours a day. If you live elsewhere, a quick Google search will point you towards an organization in your area. You can go to a friend's or ask your mum to contact them for you if you're worried about your partner finding out. But please get the help you need. If you consider yourself or your daughter in immediate danger, I strongly advise calling the police. They will deal with everything else and make sure you are safe, but please let them help you. If not only for yourself, for your child too. You will get through this.

Good luck and big hug, Emma x

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Katie
says:
September, 16 2017 at 12:38 pm
Sweetheart leave one day when hes not go home or gone. Get u abd your baby out of there. Im 37 years old and I have been dealing w abuse since I could remember it started w my mother and continued down the line. Now my kids are almost all grown and i got myself into a relationship that's worse then it ever has been. Hes told me he kill me or himself to. I pray u will get out of that because by the time your my age you'll wish u did. Or one day your baby won't have a mother. Feel free to email me. Im here to talk, help and give advice. Your worth more then he is making u feel u are.. Xoxo

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Missie
says:
September, 16 2017 at 7:02 pm
Dear rather not say. Reach for the word of God feed your spirit for strength. Slowly plan your escape. Never tell anyone about your plan not even family find one or two people you can truly trust who can safely help with the plan. Prepare to not be in the same state, allow money to be the reason you stay for a short time but most important prepare for losses but look forward to safety and piece of mind. Try not to involve your parents with the escape for their safety. Look to leave the state and be quiet. If you have too tell him you are going to jail because you got caught stealing and that your children were taken because of your crime. Look for the best way to keep everyone safe. But plan, plan to leave. If he wants to kill himself he needs help and needs to be on suicide watch but you cannot call for his help because he is dangerous.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Staci
says:
September, 17 2017 at 3:09 pm
It will never change unless you get help for yourself and your child.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:05 pm
Pray to God to give you the strength to get out. If you live in the states their are battered womens shelters 1800799safe. Get Out Now!
Anon
says:
September, 7 2017 at 3:37 pm
I've been married for over 7 years now to a Disabled Army Veteran. He has an incurable condition and relies on pain meds to function. I've expressed my feelings about him abusing his medicine and trying to get him to cut back. When he's on his medicine he gets short tempered, foggy, forgetful, among other things. He thinks I take his medicine when he's sleeping. Accuses me of moving stuff. I have never been with anyone who's relied on narcotics. Sometimes I feel broken. I feel like I'm at my breaking point but I'm scared. I don't know what to do!! My family feels like he isolates me from friends and family (I don't hang out with anyone except my mom, and whoever I work with AT my job). Part of me feels like I have to stay but part of me wants to leave and get out!! I tried having a heart to heart with him, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Any advice or pointers or anything really would be appreciated.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:44 am
Hello Anon,

Firstly, well done for reaching out with this post. It can be difficult to admit to being in a relationship like this, so you've conquered the first step to getting help. It's also difficult to define abuse from a partner, particularly as this sort of behavior tends to creep into a relationship over time. As you've said, it's not always as easy as broaching the subject with a significant other, and it sounds like your husband is struggling with his physical health and reliance on medication. His paranoia could be drug-induced, or it could be that his situation has left him feeling so out of control that he needs to feel like he has some control over something in his life: this something being you.

I suppose the question to ask is, do YOU feel he isolates you from others? Or has this occurred over time because of his dependence on you? One thing I know for sure is that severing your connections with others will only exasperate your feelings of being trapped by this situation, so its important to reach out when you can.

The first thing I would recommend is to contact a counsellor or therapist who is specially trained to deal with drug abuse and marriage problems. I think seeing someone on your own so you have the space and time to explore your own feelings would be sensible. Is there a trusted co-worker you can confide in about what's happening at home, or your mum perhaps? By confiding in others, you'll become less isolated and you will have somewhere to turn should his behavior worsen.

Lastly, if his behavior becomes nasty or abusive, or if he is violent towards you, please contact a <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">domestic violence helpline</a> for support.

Good luck!

Emma x
I'm tired
says:
September, 6 2017 at 1:33 am
I have been dealing with verbal abuse forever, Im telling anyone to get out now it won't stop. We have 6 kids and now a grandson, he has cheated on me in the beginning meaning first 8 years , I've been with this disrespect for 32 years. I only see his family, he gets made when I see mine I have no friends only my kids and they are all grown and have life of their own. I'm telling all you young people trust me if they are doing this now GET OUT!!!! It won't stop they will never stop!im now at the point in my life wondering why I'm still here! I'm tired I just want to go to sleep and never wake up because my days are exactly the same day I and out,I'm basically living for him not for me. I'm 51 years old met him when I was 17 he was 24, ya it was great then I got pregnant at 18 married and from then on he controlled me every bit of me, he's like a vampire consumed all the joy out of me, now I'm miserable and want to be dead! Because I don't want to hear this do this or be this anymore! So please do me a favor make my life an example an live your for yourself not someone else's happiness, you be happy! If I saved at least one person making the same choice I made over the last 31 years I would feel a little better, as crazy as it sounds my life would of had some meaning if I saved you, just listen to me, leave now before you won't!and later become me?????

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

DepressionsHere
says:
September, 7 2017 at 8:21 am
It's been 4.5 years 3 babies for me. And I'm ready to GOOOOOO! But I've gained comfort in my lifestyle. This makes me extremely sad and insecure. I just want to leave already! But every time I try he says he's not going anywhere. Or assures that I don't walk out. And just like now I end up in a place of peace. And because I don't want to disturb it I say nothing and stay ? I even try suggesting to him to get another woman. Idc I just need to be MYSELF one day again

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

ripeka
says:
September, 10 2017 at 7:58 pm
i hope your alive! not for him.. for you xx

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:10 am
Hello I'm Tired,

Thank you for your comment on this post. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I understand better than most how living with an abuser can make you feel suicidal (you can read my story <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/06/introduction-to-emma-marie-smith/" target="_blank">here</a>), but let me tell you: if you can find a way to come out the other side of your experience and rediscover your independence, you will be glad you didn't act on these feelings. Please consider talking to someone about what you're going through. There are counselors and therapists who are specially trained to help victims of domestic abuse. Alternatively, you could contact one of the helplines on our <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Help and Resources</a> page, particularly if you feel acutely suicidal. These are people who can help you when you don't know where else to turn.

Know that you are not alone in how you feel, and keep speaking out about your struggles and using this site for support. By connecting with others and uniting against abuse, you can lessen your abuser's control over you. Also, it's never too late to leave. It's never too late to break free from the shackles of abuse. I wish you all the best.

Emma x

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sls93
says:
September, 16 2017 at 6:55 pm
You touched me. We share a lot in common. I met my partner at 17 he was 26 but lied about his age. He also never told me that he was married until I was 19 and 5 months pregnant. His family never mentioned it either. Now I'm 24. I feel like dying everyday. Trying to push my way through college as a Biology major , hoping to that I live long enough to graduate with my MD. I have no friends and none of my family will help me. They are tired of me not doing anything and they also are consumed with their own life. I want to kill myself so bad! I don't live for my daughter anymore. It is a struggle living. I'm so scared to go to help. It's a sin to commit suicide. If Jesus could take me and forgive me I would have been killed my self. That's what hurts the most. I feel trapped. I feel empty. I feel so mad at god...i feel so hopeless. I'm just a sitting duck. I no longer spend my time talking to god. It makes me sad, because I need someone tangible. My heart feels soaked in tears. If I kill myself there is no coming back from hell.i look for comfort in my abuser. He manipulates me by making me feel stupid and dramatic. He breaks my soul. He physical hurts me but the emotional abuse and mental is unbearable. I cry everyday. Why god! Why me! I was a good girl..i still am. I take care of our daughter by myself while he works and has his time to himself. My mom provides financially everything. I feel bad because I know she feels bad for me. I'm embarrassed. I have to fight and beg for his attention. Even when he calls me names or makes me feel worthless..its still attention. I left home to look for my dad at 17. He left me at 4 years old. That's when I found my partner. It was his eyes and raven black hair that reminded me of my dad. Suddenly he was good enough. I didn't need my dad. I want to be a mentor to young women and girls. I will finish school and travel the world as a medical doctor. God will help me. I really hope so. Because I am floating in thin air.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Missie
says:
September, 16 2017 at 7:06 pm
I just left my abusive cheating partner. Quietly planned my escape a little at a time. Continued to play stupid during the planning and one day when he left I left right after him. I left three days ago. Praise God.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mommy_4
says:
September, 19 2017 at 5:23 pm
I feel like your talking to me but I'm still not getting it?, I have been married 18 years I have four children age 15 and under. I got married when I was 18 years old and when we first got married something iffy happened which made me think that's odd why would he say that to me on our honeymoon he called me a whore. As it went on every fight got brushed under the table he would bring flowers and say sorry. I have been abused mentally,physically,financially,spiritually and financial. It took me to this point to wear he put me down so much that i was put in a dark deep isolated place where I thought everything would be better if I just died and I wanted to die. The next day I called the helpline this wasn't me this isn't what I do I am strong. I now see a therapist and I go to group meetings so I can figure things out. This is where I realized it was all abuse but I couldn't see it. Everyday I change my mind at least 30 times. I say I'm strong and then I say well maybe he will change this time, maybe I can't make it on my own financially. I hate the thinking I hate me changing my mind I'm such a fool. I need to leave and do better for me and my kids. My husband has ruined my credit .i hope the next I write I will be one of those women who got out.?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
September, 28 2017 at 9:50 am
34 years here and locked in my grandsons bedroom watching him destory my clothes, jewelry and both flower and vegetable gardens. I am recently disabled recovering now from my second back surgery. Scoliosis caught up with me around 46. He has stolen my youth. He has only gotten worse as the years go by. I do not think he is capable . Mother's please do not allow your children to grow up thinking this abuse is normal. They will grow up to be abusers themselves.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Pauline Kelly
says:
October, 3 2017 at 11:52 am
Hey! You are 51, he probably has made you feel old but you are actually in your prime!! It's far from too late for you! Think of the next 20-30yrs you have ahead of you, go for it xxx
Josephine
says:
September, 3 2017 at 2:18 pm
I too am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have managed to pluck up the courage to end the relationship. It is hell. He is now being wonderful again, asked me to marry him and is utterly charming but I know if I stay he will not change. I am torn, keep going back over my bad memories and reviewing them with rosy-tinted glasses. However I have to move on but watching him being the wounded animal is unimaginably painful but this girl is going to wear big shoulder pads and weather the storm - I will no longer be the under-dog!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Missie
says:
September, 16 2017 at 7:12 pm
Hi Josephine, My situation was very similar to yours. When I decided I was leaving it was like he sensed it and became the charming husband that I dreamed of having. I was torn I loved him and wanted that charming man. But I was reminded by others that it would not last.
Well, I left and initially we exchanged text messages and I let him know I cared much for him and he said likewise to me the lovely messages when on for three days and than he stopped writing. It's the weekend so I guess he's out fishing. It hurts to know that his so called love lasted two days after I left he could really care less and he's showing it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ro
says:
September, 20 2017 at 5:21 pm
I'm in a similar situation. The first time he drank and got verbally abusive I left but he begged me to come back. Eventually it got physical. I even got to a point where I called the police on him, but I felt guilty and he came with this story about how bad it is where he was staying so I let him stay with me again. I keep feeling like I can't leave because I constantly feel guilty or feel like I owe him for helping me out when my sister kicked me out. I'm 28 with no kids so I thought it would be easier to leave. I'm just so torn and I don't know how to ask him to leave without hurting his feelings.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:28 pm
Missie, That charming man is a mask. The real him is a wolf cloaked in sheeps clothing. he is manipulating you. Its just an act that he is puttting on.. Trust me if he leaves he will be doing you a favor.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:18 pm
Josephine, Just stick with it. From all the advice that I have gathered it is best to go NO CONTACT. Men like that are manipulators, users abusers and actors. Don t let him fool you. He is a WOLF in sheeps clothing. The only reason he is being sweet is so that he can get you back and it will be a whole lot worse.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lisa
says:
September, 28 2017 at 9:58 am
My husband' resorts to his honeymoon stage everytime. But after 34 years of marriage I can see right through his facade, he is not that good of an actor.
laura
says:
September, 2 2017 at 9:09 pm
I have been in an abusive relationship for 37 years. It started gradually after the first few years with controlling behaviors, unpredictable anger and passive aggression. I wish I would have walked away the first time it happened but I was young and naive and I thought it was normal relationship problems. It slowly continued to escalate. After a healthy first 2 years, then a rough 3 year long distant relationship, we decided to move in together and that was the first time he hit me.. In my case, it was a slow insidious process, ie not every day or every week, but sporadic and unpredictable. I was walking out to leave and of course the cycle began of him apologizing and asking me to stay. I set the boundary of no more physical abuse. He improved and we were married and had 2 kids .and things seemed better... however he began to resort to severe emotional, psychological abuse thru manipulation, lying, cruelty, isolation, destroying all that I valued ( Photos, Holidays, memories, vacations) and control and extreme passive aggression that would last for days, then weeks, then months and half-years. He purposely destroyed anything I valued, purposely neglected my needs and purposely crossed boundaries...showing no respect. He pitted my son against my daughter starting at a young age; he purposely showed extreme favoritism to our son causing our daughter to become angry and hurt damaging her self esteem and at the same time creating an arrogant, callus, and abusive son. I walked out with my children many times only to have him apologize... and they cycle started again...never ending. I went to counseling. I counseled my kids to help them understand. Why did I stay? Naivety. to protect my children ( 50% custody- I could not protect them 100% of the time) and reason after reason but all reasons that were positive and good....but today I know I chose the wrong reason...why? because now he has taught my kids to be abusive ...toward each other and toward me... Because I tried so hard to protect them , they see me as "abusive" now and he is now treating them both with great love and compassion which he refused to show me for the past 15+ years... Now he is manipulating them against me after I literally devoted my life to protecting them the best I could and raising them to be as kind and compassionate and considerate as I could...I gave up my career, my life, my memories, my security, all for him to take it all away...so in our last fight when he and my own daughter sided against me...I slapped him... only to have my own daughter call the police so he could press charges of domestic abuse against me... and sent me to jail...where I would be now if my cousin and siblings had not gotten me out...Now my entire lively hood is threatened and all my work and education and licenses may be taken away... how ironic... I never filed charges on him... because I was being kind... because I was being considerate of his future.... and look what that got me.. my past and future may be gone forever...my children ostracizing me; my siblings tired of all this.. I am still in limbo to see if he will drop the charges....even so, the DA may override if he does, I will have a record and lose my educational licenses that are the only way I can support myself... I share my story so that any young woman that is not being treated with kindness and respect, will RUN from that relationship to find a healthier one.... too late for me....not for you....

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:25 pm
Its never to late to RUN... Get away from that horrible man. Give yourself a chance to have some peace for however long that is. Hes not worth it. Hes not your friend, hes an enemy.
Tammy Fuller
says:
September, 2 2017 at 11:32 am
I'm in tears reading these threads .... how do we get rid of these men that are so distructuve but yet we love so much ?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:32 pm
Men like that use brainwashing techniques to get you hooked and addicted to them without your even knowing it. The only way to get rid of them is to walk away and don't look back. He will destroy you without you even being aware of it at first until the damage is done and you are so hooked in that it is hard to get away and stay away. Join a Church, get counseling, go to a shelter whatever you have to do to get free. Trust me he will DESTROY you. Love yourself enough to cut him lose.
Tammy Fuller
says:
September, 2 2017 at 11:29 am
I'm in a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic. He's great when he's sober but verbally abusive to me and my 15 year old daughter . She hasn't said one word to him in over a year and we live in the same house . I'm I want to be able to just say .. that's it and leave without looking back .... but we moved 3h away from my home town, I'm isolated . Last time I said I was leaving he burnt my stuff in the front yard. How do I find the strength to leave !!!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:52 pm
Don't tell him what you are doing. Just quietly plan your escape. Then when he is gone one day have movers meet you at the house and hurrry RUN. He is destroying you and your daughter. It is very unhealthy. You will look back one day and wonder why you stayed so long.
Destany
says:
August, 31 2017 at 11:27 am
i've been in a emotionally abusive relationship for about a year now &amp; he's hurt me so many times. i've tried to kill my self twice because of what he's done &amp; said to me. he yells at me almost everyday over the littlest things. he constantly gets in trouble at school while i'm with him &amp; it comes back on me. (i'm only 16) he tells me to "shut the fuck up" and he constantly blames everything on me. i don't know why i can't leave. please help me

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Catherine
says:
September, 3 2017 at 3:27 am
Hello Destany
You are only 16 and already feel this empty. Imagine staying 10 more years? It doesn't get any easier! My darling girl once you leave you will fall in love another 10xs over. Life does not begin and end with ONE man. You are both WAY to young to be so serious. You have an entire life ahead of you. Please understand no man on this planet will ever take care of you &amp; your happiness as much as YOU will. Please focus on a fantastic academic future, go to a good college, get that money. and along the way I promise you, you will meet a good man. I know it. do what you love in life and the love of your life will follow.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 2:57 pm
Destany, You are being abused. It is not your fault. He is trying to brainwash you and control you. Get out before it gets worse. These type of men always get worse. He is a user and an abuser. He has you so scared you feel afraid to make a move. Call 18007997233, and they will help you get out. YOU CAN DO IT. You have to get mad. Do not be afraid as that weakens you. He is a BULLY who enjoys hurting others. RUN RUN RUN and fast.
Juana
says:
August, 29 2017 at 11:36 am
I have been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. He sames me in public, he curses me, he physically hurts me for more than one occassion.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:02 pm
Juana. you deserve to be treated with respect. He will destroy you . He is not worth it. Those type of men always get worse. they have no respect. Call 1800799SAFE. Get out while you still have your sanity. He will hurt you and destroy your life and your soul. He does not care. RUN and dont look back.
Lane
says:
August, 26 2017 at 2:37 pm
I'm in a 2 year relationship. We just had a stillbirth 5 months ago, and we're supposed to be there for each other. But he has hurt me more than anything ever has before, and I've know even tragedy for 10 lifetimes, and I'm only 20 years old. He is degrading, emotional draining, controlling, manipulative, hypocritical, and flat out hurtful beyond belief. He has physically hurt me many times, but only recently did he start punching me in the face. I have received two black eyes, and countless bad bruises. I have been choked and scared so badly that I hyperventilated and passed out. That's happened a couple times, but the last time I found out that while I was passed out, he had sex with me. Twice! The thing is that I know his heart, and either I am completely brainwashed or he really is oblivious to how badly he hurts me. Because everytime I'm ready to call it quits and think it's the last straw, he draws me in again. Either by looking me deep in my eyes, and telling me how very sorry he is all while tears of his own are falling down his face, or just holding me caressing me while I cry, or whatever else he does. He is the only arms I want to cry in, and frankly the only ones that make me cry. I'm not a weak person, I'm very strong headed and very aware of myself. I stick up for myself and sometimes wind up into trouble because of it, that's why I never predicted something like this would happen to me. I NEVER let anyone to tell me to shut up or let anyone disrespect me or call me names, or disrespect my friends or family. But somehow someway my body just eats it when it comes from him. I can leave him I don't rely on him for anything but the love he actually does give me sometimes. He is very charming and very kind but the mood swings make him evil. I'm not sure how else to really put it. I cannot please him somehow I always end up doing something wrong, I have wanted friends to talk to or even a therapist but there's always a reason why I shouldn't go to either of those people. And especially not my family. I know what I have to do to not make him mad, because I get scared when he's mad, but somehow I still manage to do it. What the hell do i do. How do I find the strength to leave, and please don't say police, because god knows I've heard that enough times.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cc
says:
August, 30 2017 at 6:45 pm
Hi lane , im 20 as well and im in an abuisve relationship that really sounds identical to yours . if you need someone to talk to im here . i could use someone to talk to about this that understands where im coming from. Its scary how identical our stories are. Heres my email. Banchheee@gmail.com. hope to hear from you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

brooke
says:
August, 31 2017 at 3:06 am
I'm so sorry Lane. My situation is the same minus the physical abuse and isolation from family and I have a therapist we see. But my opinion is both. You are brainwashed and he is so severely ill that the abuse is so bad you can't see it. Hope you get the hep you need. Hugs ❤️❤️

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:10 pm
Lane, You are brainwashed and he knows that he is hurting you, but he doesn't care. He is cruel, and vicious and will destroy your soul. he is manipulating you by hurting you then being the one that comforts you. He is causing you to be dependent on him and addicted to him. It is really sick. He will weaken you and drive you crazy while enjoying every minute of this sick little game.. The love he gives is FAKE. Its an act to keep you hooked. He wants to won you and control you. Its very unhealthy and toxic. He is trying to isolate you and get you addicted to him. RUN while you still have a chance.
Mel
says:
August, 26 2017 at 12:11 pm
I've been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse which has turned physical. He has manipulated so much. He has been abusing cocaine for awhile now, and recently it has hit a threshold. He's dillusional, paranoid and violent. He locked my keys and phone away and attempted suffocating, choking me with a belt, took a razor through my head and eyebrows because he was convinced I was plotting against him. He threw my phone out the car window forcing me to his house today. I escaped but I'm terrified. He believes the neighbor is after him too and that people were crawling in the windows. I moved out but I'm terrified he will come after me. I'm too drained and too scared to try to help or pretend this will never happen again, that he loves me. I'm highly educated yet I still allow myself to be brought down. I've already had a gun in my mouth; next step is the trigger pulled. I don't know how to move on and I'm scared to tell family.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

TC
says:
September, 3 2017 at 9:29 am
You need to get out today. You are very valuable and your life is in danger. Get away and make sure he can't find you. Please, please go now.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mury
says:
September, 5 2017 at 1:24 pm
Are you okay Mel?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Anon
says:
September, 7 2017 at 3:45 pm
This!! This is kinda what I'm going through. He's never physically hurt me, but his upbringing was violent! It's in his genes! I'm scared that if I leave, he will find me and hurt me or my mom (he's not a fan of hers) or my family. His temper scares the crap out of me! My husband takes Xanax and has dabbled again in H.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:13 pm
Why don't you call the Domestic Violence helpline at 1800700SAFE. If you want your life to last you better get protection.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:13 pm
1800799SAFE
Becky
says:
August, 24 2017 at 1:14 pm
I have been with a man for over 10 years. we have 3 boys and i didnt realize until recently i am being emotionally abused, name calling, belittling, im not allowed friends unless he knows them personally, get yelled at for qorkimg and having a career, he tells me.if i go back to school he is going to leave me. i want to lose my baby weight and i want to work out and he gets angry and says I wonder why?. We broke up for 5 months and i met someone else who is wo derful and treats me good. i cut things off to be with my ex and i am wondering if it was a mistake. he says he has changed and he loves me but he still is the same. He recently found out about the man i was with when we were apart and he constantly says snide comments about it and go back to your lover. then tells me he loves me. i am so confused. i earn pretty good money, have a vehicle but little support from family or friends as i have been isolated feom them. we own a home together and he constantly tries kicking me out when he is mad and says if we dont want to be together he will leave. then when it comes time.for him to leave he tells me to get the f*** out. then calls me names. i am so confused and dont know what to do....HELP!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Suzie
says:
September, 25 2017 at 3:20 pm
Becky,
Some women divorce their husbands then get an order for protection, so that he has to move out of the house. Others just pack up and leave preferring to deal with selling the house, divorce, etc. from another location. Either way you are being mistreated. Love is about respect. People can say anything. Actions speak louder than words. He sounds like an abuser. Abusers do not respect any woman who they are involved with. they are not capable of loving anyone other than themselves.
Cassie
says:
August, 24 2017 at 3:45 am
I am currently being emotional abused. He gets worse when he drinks. Why does he stay with me when he constantly puts me down and hates everything about me? He is a soul sucking vampire he takes all my positive vibes and I feel completely drained I dont have anything else left to offer him. If he was to end it, it would be so much easier, thinking about it makes me feel free. So why can I not say those words and what leassons could I possibly have left to leave?

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