Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?
So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.
- haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
- you lack financial resources, or
- you're in business with your abuser, or
- the kids are too small, or
- the kids are almost out of school, or
- the abuser needs you, or
- fill in your reason here.
Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).
I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important
It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.
- I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
- If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.
Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option
Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.
Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.
Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.
Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship
You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.
Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.
You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.
There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.
You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.
Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.
Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.
Concepts to Accept About Yourself
You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.
You are lovable.
You deserve respect.
You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.
You are powerful.
You can learn, grow and adapt.
You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).
You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.
You decide who stays in your life.
You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.
Holly, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 15 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
say . Anytime I make any type of a statement he shuts me down and says I'm being negative even if it truly wasn't. I have been with him since I was 13. Ran away with him at 15. Married him by 16. 3 kids by 22 who I adore. He has cheated on me since the beginning of our marriage and still to this day. I don't and can't even confront him anymore .He can instantly turn it around and tell me it's my fault because........or make me out to be stupid or crazy . I need to get out for my own sake but I'm stuck. He becomes a better liar and manipulater every time confronted and has even told me ,what does it matter your never going to leave me anyways. And some how he always becomes the victim. I ended up with breast cancer and he never even skipped a step. He talks like we are in it for ever but sleeps with anybody who will give him the time of day. I want out but I feel stuck do to our finances etc. he has a way of making me feel useless and unworthy of all I am and all I do. One min. I'm everything and the next I'm nothing. It's a lonely emotional roller coaster .
Were currently fighting off something i have no clue about!!! Im getting the silent treatment right now and of coursed threatened that he will strangle me with an cord and watch me die ( he just said that to me). Told me to move out and took my car keys, as usual. I never hated someone soo much. My life is miserable. Its like im in jail and i just go to work and come home. I try to make him happy but its never good enough. Never!!!!!!! I pray everyday to god to give me the strength to leave
I tried to build
For my kids . How do I get out of my mortgage without going bankrupt? Divorce lawyers are so expensive and my husband claims everything is all his when I've worked harder than him the entire relationship. He bullies conices, is sneaky, and when thing s are not going his way everyone in the house has to pay. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. Last time I left someone I wasn't married or owned a house. How can I leave this behind without bringing along more financial baggage?
He's an abusive asshole. Help me anybody.
We started in therapy 4-5 years ago and it helped for a while. In the past year , he has refused to go back to the therapist with me. I believe the therapist exposed him and he didn't like it. We have 3 children that are getting older and see my unhappiness and some of his behaviors. I haven't worked for 18 years and wouldn't know what to do if I left. He tells me if I go back to work it will not be good for the relationship or family. I'm well aware that is manipulating but I'm not strong enough to deal with the backlash should I actually get a job. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm worried about the emotional well being of my kids should I ever decide to leave. My husband would never let the kids be without anything in their lives but would most definitely punish me. I'm wishing I made changes years ago when the kids were smaller , in hind sight. I can't relax around him or be myself. He's critical of me and comments on anything I say or do.
I'm only 50 and feel I still have a life to live . Any lifeline would be nice to hear.
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Unfortunately, there isn't a blogger on this blog to speak with you. Please call a helpline. You can find more information and resources, including helpline numbers, here: http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/
- Natasha Tracy
- Blog Manager
Call your brother(s). When they get there, leave with them. Try to have your husband out of the house when you leave. Go with your brother(s) and be done with your husband.
Who cares what he's scared of happening? He beats you. He beats you in front of the kids. He is going to kill you and if that happens, you'll never have a chance to leave. So go.
Get a restraining order, too.
This article helped me understand where I am, and why I am there, and why I tense up before I head home at the end of the day, even if she's in a good mood on the phone. I love your advice, and every time I start to get ready to leave, she nicens up for a few days and I always fall back to your first bullet point.