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How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.

The answer to “How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?” is…drum roll, please…You can’t! I wish that you could control how another person speaks and how they act. But you can’t.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever asked your verbally abusive husband or boyfriend to speak to you in a nicer way. Raise your hand if you’ve tearfully begged your verbally abusive wife to be kinder to you. Wow. That’s a lot of hands.

Did it work? No. At least not forever. The next time your abuser felt turmoil, s/he used their anger or sly verbal manipulations to bring you down again because you cannot stop verbal abuse.

Why You Cannot Stop Verbal Abuse

Verbal abusers gain control and they benefit from abusing you. By abusing you, they feel more in control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. When the abuser infiltrates your every thought, you’re more likely to do things and say things the abuser implanted in your mind. By controlling you, he or she gains more control over his or her life, too.

Your abuser knows that after verbally abusing you, you will react in predictable ways. You may cry, you may yell, but after awhile, you go back to them with an open heart, begging for them to love you. And every time you beg to be worthy of your abuser’s love, they get a self-esteem kick out of it.

Even if they are the ones begging you to So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.love them again, they see your agreement as a win. The abuser does not compromise, even if he or she pretends to do so. Every conversation you have is either a win or loss for the abuser. And the abuser hates to lose. Therefore, your abuser will drone on and on and on until they feel like they’ve won. And the thrill of getting you back or winning the conversation is enough to keep them coming back for more.

Your desire for them to love you makes them feel important and in control. When you tell your abuser how you feel, or how you want things to be, or how much you love them, you give your abuser ammunition. By opening your heart to your abuser, s/he gains a little more insight into what makes you tick. When you open up, your abuser learns new ways to hurt you, and then files the information away for the next time s/he feels out of control and needs you to react in a predictable way so they can feel at peace and in control.

You can’t stop verbal abuse. You can’t stop your abuser from abusing you. They are too invested in you to ever stop abusing you. Your reactions to their abuse makes you an invaluable asset; an asset they do not want to abandon because they do not know how to feel good about themselves without you feeling badly.

More Bad News About Why You Can’t Stop Verbal Abuse

Here’s the next bit of bad news. You can’t teach them how to feel good about themselves in any “normal” way.

It doesn’t matter to them if you are the most successful psychologist in America whose focus is on healing families suffering from verbal abuse. It doesn’t matter to them how many other people think you are right or knowledgeable or deserve better treatment than the crap your abuser dishes out. You cannot teach an abuser to think differently because you are the target. The abuser’s self-proclaimed job is to make you less than who you are so they feel better about themselves. Period.

You Can’t Stop Verbal Abuse Because You Are Only A Target

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.Riflemen and bow hunters learn to hone their skill to hit the bullseye each and every time from the target they use for practice. An abuser learns how to hit you more accurately the next time – how to hit you verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically with greater effect – because you are the target he or she uses for practice.

The only thing you can do to stop the verbal abuse is to remove yourself from it. You must at the very least become a moving target. You can do that in several different ways. Some of you are not ready to physically leave your abuser, and that is okay.

Honestly, you may never leave your abuser. You may choose to stay in your abusive relationship for any number of reasons; I stayed in my abusive marriage for just shy of 18 years. If you choose to stay – it is a choice, believe it or not – there are still things you can do to help preserve your sanity (Domestic Violence Safety Plan: A comprehensive plan that will keep you safer whether you stay or leave).

The next blogs I write will present options to you. For now, try to digest the fact that you cannot stop physical, mental, emotional or verbal abuse from happening to you. The only thing you can do is change how you react to it.

Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out For It (Part 2)
Learn About Verbal Abuse So You Can Stop It (Part 3)
Set Personal Boundaries To Increase Self-Reliance (Part 4)
Develop An Exit Strategy And Safety Plan (Part 5)
The Signs of Verbal Abuse (Part 6)

You can find Kellie Jo Holly at Verbal Abuse Journals, or social media on Google+, Facebook,Twitter and Amazon Authors.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

Author: kholly

Kellie Jo Holly advocates for domestic violence and abuse awareness through her writing. You can find Kellie Jo on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

115 thoughts on “How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?”

  1. I have been with my verbal abuser for 22 years. We have two beautiful teenaged children who verbally abuse me on a daily basis. I love my family so much and I know I am being treated like a dog from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I go to sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore for I have left many times but I miss my children and my partner too much. I know I am stuck in a cycle that only I can get myself out of but I have no support system what so ever and suicidal thoughts cross my mind more so now than ever. I need help because I am at that stage where nothing will stop me from ending myself. I

  2. Hey, I’m a teen and I’ve been living with a parent like this for years. I thought it was normal for people to say these things to their kids and I just dealt with it no matter how much it hurt, but situations got really bad and I didn’t think I could make it. I told friends about my situation and now they’re telling me that it’s abuse and that I need to do something about it. I’m just scared of this person and I don’t really know what to do. I feel like I might just be exaggerating but this treatment has also driven me to almost give up a few times… I just want to know what I should do since I’m stuck living with a parent like this and whether it’s worth it to even try talking with them about it.

    1. Evan, wow your post broke my heart, I’m so sorry and I’m so glad you found HealthyPlace and decided to reach out to us. You deserve to be loved and valued. Your life won’t have to stay this way forever, being a teen is so tough, but soon enough you’ll be an adult and have more options. Have you tried communicating how the verbal abuse is affecting you? Can you reach out to a school counselor, therapist, family member, or friend? Or even all of those? You are not alone and there are people out there that will gladly help you and listen to you! If you are ever thinking about hurting yourself, please, please, reach out to someone! I know it must feel hopeless for you at times now, but it does not have to feel that way forever. I’m going to include links to articles, hotlines, and resources I hope you will look into. I’m so glad you’re here and talking with us. Please reach out to us anytime Evan.
      -Emily

      Coping with Verbal Abuse when you can’t just leave
      Hotline Numbers and Resources
      Teens Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts
      Emotional Abuse Help & Support

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