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How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.

The answer to “How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?” is…drum roll, please…You can’t! I wish that you could control how another person speaks and how they act. But you can’t.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever asked your verbally abusive husband or boyfriend to speak to you in a nicer way. Raise your hand if you’ve tearfully begged your verbally abusive wife to be kinder to you. Wow. That’s a lot of hands.

Did it work? No. At least not forever. The next time your abuser felt turmoil, s/he used their anger or sly verbal manipulations to bring you down again because you cannot stop verbal abuse.

Why You Cannot Stop Verbal Abuse

Verbal abusers gain control and they benefit from abusing you. By abusing you, they feel more in control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. When the abuser infiltrates your every thought, you’re more likely to do things and say things the abuser implanted in your mind. By controlling you, he or she gains more control over his or her life, too.

Your abuser knows that after verbally abusing you, you will react in predictable ways. You may cry, you may yell, but after awhile, you go back to them with an open heart, begging for them to love you. And every time you beg to be worthy of your abuser’s love, they get a self-esteem kick out of it.

Even if they are the ones begging you to So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.love them again, they see your agreement as a win. The abuser does not compromise, even if he or she pretends to do so. Every conversation you have is either a win or loss for the abuser. And the abuser hates to lose. Therefore, your abuser will drone on and on and on until they feel like they’ve won. And the thrill of getting you back or winning the conversation is enough to keep them coming back for more.

Your desire for them to love you makes them feel important and in control. When you tell your abuser how you feel, or how you want things to be, or how much you love them, you give your abuser ammunition. By opening your heart to your abuser, s/he gains a little more insight into what makes you tick. When you open up, your abuser learns new ways to hurt you, and then files the information away for the next time s/he feels out of control and needs you to react in a predictable way so they can feel at peace and in control.

You can’t stop verbal abuse. You can’t stop your abuser from abusing you. They are too invested in you to ever stop abusing you. Your reactions to their abuse makes you an invaluable asset; an asset they do not want to abandon because they do not know how to feel good about themselves without you feeling badly.

More Bad News About Why You Can’t Stop Verbal Abuse

Here’s the next bit of bad news. You can’t teach them how to feel good about themselves in any “normal” way.

It doesn’t matter to them if you are the most successful psychologist in America whose focus is on healing families suffering from verbal abuse. It doesn’t matter to them how many other people think you are right or knowledgeable or deserve better treatment than the crap your abuser dishes out. You cannot teach an abuser to think differently because you are the target. The abuser’s self-proclaimed job is to make you less than who you are so they feel better about themselves. Period.

You Can’t Stop Verbal Abuse Because You Are Only A Target

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.Riflemen and bow hunters learn to hone their skill to hit the bullseye each and every time from the target they use for practice. An abuser learns how to hit you more accurately the next time – how to hit you verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically with greater effect – because you are the target he or she uses for practice.

The only thing you can do to stop the verbal abuse is to remove yourself from it. You must at the very least become a moving target. You can do that in several different ways. Some of you are not ready to physically leave your abuser, and that is okay.

Honestly, you may never leave your abuser. You may choose to stay in your abusive relationship for any number of reasons; I stayed in my abusive marriage for just shy of 18 years. If you choose to stay – it is a choice, believe it or not – there are still things you can do to help preserve your sanity (Domestic Violence Safety Plan: A comprehensive plan that will keep you safer whether you stay or leave).

The next blogs I write will present options to you. For now, try to digest the fact that you cannot stop physical, mental, emotional or verbal abuse from happening to you. The only thing you can do is change how you react to it.

Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out For It (Part 2)
Learn About Verbal Abuse So You Can Stop It (Part 3)
Set Personal Boundaries To Increase Self-Reliance (Part 4)
Develop An Exit Strategy And Safety Plan (Part 5)
The Signs of Verbal Abuse (Part 6)

You can find Kellie Jo Holly at Verbal Abuse Journals, or social media on Google+, Facebook,Twitter and Amazon Authors.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly advocates for domestic violence and abuse awareness through her writing. You can find Kellie Jo on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

118 thoughts on “How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?”

  1. Iam just now realizing iam being verbally abused. I left my second husband for cheating. Well before I could leave I had filed for divorce an had nowher to go n sty no family n friends he made eveyone believe I was on drugs so he decided to beat my self esteem down to punish me for leaving him before he was ready to leave me. So I run into a old friend from high school who showed me such love an compassion An like a safety blanket to me an a few mths after we moved in together the verbal abuse an head games began to start. At first I blamed myself cuz I had insecurity’s an was mentual not well from what I had already gone thru an felt privileged for someone to love someone who was such a mess as I was. Now 3 years later iam more trapped now then ever I have no Highschool diplomas no job can’t work a job my anxiety is so bad I have started to cut on myself I have no family no support no one to turn to. Iam scared I have 2 sons 21 an 17 an the one sees if it but the other doesn’t. I feel have suicide thoughts all the time an if it wasn’t for the fact my boys dad took his life about 5 yrs ago I believe I would of already taken mine. I have never been spoke to in sick a cruel way from someone who can be so kind N calm an sweet with everyone else but me. I stay home I do have depression anxiety an physical issues so ther are days that I may not get out of bed or get done as much as I want to. I may take longer to get to town an run errands An do things needed done but I have never cheated an never would. I don’t keep or hide anything from my partner but innocent things that will lead up to more hurtful things being said an more blaming. He will take a petty fight below the belt an I have been guilty of fighting back with words a handful of times an that is used to make it ok for what he is doin to me. I’ve tried to talk to him about it an one min he will acknowledge it an the nxt day I’m laying him feel like a worthless price of crap an iam playing mind games an I don’t love him. Iam at my ends wit with this. He will even make fun of me for my anxiety an past abuse an the fact that I have anxiety. CLls me names makes fun of me will say everything an anything he can to get a reaction out of me threatens to leave if I don’t change threatens to not pay the bills has mad me out him first above all which I really didn’t have anyone in the begin with but he has made sure I don’t have anyone an that iam not able to go nowher an have no new friends. He throws a fit cuz he wants love an affection an his ass kissed an to have sex but I can’t love on someone when they are making me feel less of a human being an worthless. I do love him an know we are all damaged to some drifter but we can choose to get help N rise above things that hbe happen to us in our past to not treat others poorly but he will not follow thru. Iam so far is on being out on the street n the cold Home led that i won’t Barney stand up for myslef an it is making me miserable an not having any self esteem or feeling I deserve to live let alone even want to live this way. Iam losing my mind an iam not medicating myself for depression over another Persons insecurity’s but it’s getting hard to hang on. No one ever sees it cuz he will not act this way in front of anyone so I look like the bad guy but I have been recording him when I can get the chance N not get caught doin so. I want him to get help but idk how to get it an what to do but if he doesn’t get help I will grow to hate him an either hurt myslef one day more then the cuts on my amens am legs from cutting myself or I will hurt him or actually rise above an leave him. But right now iam stuck an idk what to do. My mother was an abuser my first husband physically abused me due to drug addiction my second was jealous an an abuser as well but this time thisboke is worse then I have ever dealt with n my life. An he will call me a victim an pitty party oh poor me. Well yes it’s sucks that a good person has been mistreated poorly my whole entire life an my love an loyalty has cost me my pride an all kids of other things but a victim is someone who doesn’t want to change or get help an I do iam a survivor an everyday I’m alive is another day I have surivived the abuse. But iam getting more n more depressed an iam sick of being a cry baby N a chicken to leave cuz wher do I go who do I honor I absolutely have no friends an no family. I pray n pray for a miracle but nothing. I hate seeing others go thug this cuz I can b strong for anyone else but not myslef. I feel hopeless an I need to talk to someone an get help ASAP or iam gona end up dead.

  2. I have been with my verbal abuser for 22 years. We have two beautiful teenaged children who verbally abuse me on a daily basis. I love my family so much and I know I am being treated like a dog from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I go to sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore for I have left many times but I miss my children and my partner too much. I know I am stuck in a cycle that only I can get myself out of but I have no support system what so ever and suicidal thoughts cross my mind more so now than ever. I need help because I am at that stage where nothing will stop me from ending myself. I

  3. Hey, I’m a teen and I’ve been living with a parent like this for years. I thought it was normal for people to say these things to their kids and I just dealt with it no matter how much it hurt, but situations got really bad and I didn’t think I could make it. I told friends about my situation and now they’re telling me that it’s abuse and that I need to do something about it. I’m just scared of this person and I don’t really know what to do. I feel like I might just be exaggerating but this treatment has also driven me to almost give up a few times… I just want to know what I should do since I’m stuck living with a parent like this and whether it’s worth it to even try talking with them about it.

    1. Evan, wow your post broke my heart, I’m so sorry and I’m so glad you found HealthyPlace and decided to reach out to us. You deserve to be loved and valued. Your life won’t have to stay this way forever, being a teen is so tough, but soon enough you’ll be an adult and have more options. Have you tried communicating how the verbal abuse is affecting you? Can you reach out to a school counselor, therapist, family member, or friend? Or even all of those? You are not alone and there are people out there that will gladly help you and listen to you! If you are ever thinking about hurting yourself, please, please, reach out to someone! I know it must feel hopeless for you at times now, but it does not have to feel that way forever. I’m going to include links to articles, hotlines, and resources I hope you will look into. I’m so glad you’re here and talking with us. Please reach out to us anytime Evan.
      -Emily

      Coping with Verbal Abuse when you can’t just leave
      Hotline Numbers and Resources
      Teens Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts
      Emotional Abuse Help & Support

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