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The Signs of Verbal Abuse

The signs of verbal abuse are usually invisible to the world outside of your family. Verbal, emotional and mental abuse eats you alive from the inside out. Abuse can do heavy mental damage and cause mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and PTSD. Those illnesses have visible symptoms, but after developing the illness, no one but your closest friends may notice. (If you still have friends after being isolated!)

So, the signs of verbal abuse are often felt instead of seen.

The Abuser Knows Some Signs of Verbal Abuse

To stop verbal abuse, you must recognize the signs of verbal abuse. Learn more about the impact and signs of verbal abuse. Save yourself. Read this.The abuser knows that some things you say or do in public could give away what he does at home. Abusers are very conscious of what they do to you. If they didn’t know what they did, abusers would fix their words and behaviors. Especially after you point them out. Healthy people don’t want to hurt others. Hurting others is how abusers survive.

Because the abuser knows what he’s doing, your partner expects you to be silent about the problems you have at home. Abusers want to project the happy family image. If you appear unhappy or talk about why you’re unhappy with outsiders, the abuser gets embarrassed (and mad at you).

Many, if not most, controlling people have an “adoring public.” People at church, work, PTA, in the neighborhood and in the community at large may think your abuser is the bees knees. The abuser often uses his stature in society as a means to further control and isolate you.

Who would believe you if you told about how he acts at home? If you thought, “No one” then your abuser has effectively isolated you to the point of despondency.

Your abuser knows some of the signs of verbal abuse, so you are not allowed to show them. Outside of the house you’re expected to be happy. To be a good parent. To have beautiful, smart, popular children. The abuser expects to see you happy because if you aren’t, people may wonder about the abuser. We can’t have that, now can we?

Symptoms and Signs of Verbal Abuse

The thoughts and feelings victims of abuse often feel are cumulative, built on doubt and humiliation over time. Verbal abuse is sneaky, hidden in the words of someone who says he loves you. It takes a while, sometimes a long while, for victims to notice how they’ve changed into a traumatized and pained shadow of their former selves.

There are some common symptoms and signs of verbal abuse that victims share. They’re internal and unseen by any outsider the abuser brings near his happy family.

  • You feel as if you are paraded about like a silent trophy when you attend group functions for the abuser’s work or activities. You’re afraid to say much of anything while out for fear of retribution for saying the wrong thing.
  • You distrust your ability to make sound decisions for yourself or family; you go along with your abuser’s poor decisions without much resistance.
  • You feel uneasy or anxious much of the time; you may jump at small recognizable sounds or feel your heart pounding for no understandable reason.
  • You do not get excited over much of anything; if you are excited over a positive event, then that excitement doesn’t last long because you begin to wonder how to present the news to your abuser in order to get the best possible reaction from him.
  • You think that you are crazy; you feel that you need professional help to overcome your problems.
  • Your internal voices are critical, judgmental, overpowering at times, and abusive; you hear the abusive words and phrases he speaks to you in your own internal dialogue.
  • You keep telling yourself it will be better when he retires, the children are grown, he gets that promotion, he finishes that project, after lunch, … . You constantly wait for the good times.
  • You believe that one day your abuser will realize how good of a spouse you’ve been and will be sorry; the abuser will do a complete 180 culminating in his admiration and respect for you. This belief is hard to shake because of the nice times in which your abuser stops his abusive behaviors long enough to allow you to think “It’s different this time” (a.k.a. the honeymoon period).

Signs of Verbal Abuse Change Into Symptoms of Disease

No one in this world can know what you think or feel unless you tell them (telling your abuser doesn’t count – he doesn’t care). If you recognized yourself in the list of signs of verbal abuse, then it is up to you to change your thinking. What you think is killing you.

If you continue living in abuse, you will stress your body and mind in ways so twisted that you no longer see his abuse as stressful. Abuse becomes normal.

Your abuser doesn’t have to work as hard to control you when you are preoccupied with thinking that you are good for nothing, not abused, and not under stress. If your abuser succeeds in turning your thoughts around to the point where you no longer blame him but instead blame yourself, then his work is a whole lot easier.

Chronic stress caused by verbal abuse or any kind of abuse can lead to or cause a number of physical diseases:

  • Heart problems
  • Immune system deficiencies
  • Muscle and joint pain
  • Stomach issues
  • Sexual and reproductive problems
  • Lung troubles
  • Skin/Complexion issues

The signs of verbal abuse can lead to disease, physical and mental, that could kill you. It’s your choice whether you allow that to happen or not. Your thinking patterns feed your disease, so the best thing to do is change what you think.

You cannot change your abuser, you can only change yourself.

How Do I Stop the Verbal Abuse? (Part 1)
Reach Out – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 2)
Educate Yourself – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 3)
Self Reliance – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 4)
Develop an Exit Strategy And Safety Plan (Part 5)
The Signs of Verbal Abuse (Part 6)

You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

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72 Responses to The Signs of Verbal Abuse

  1. LostSelf says:

    Hello I took the courage to post my comment too after all the stories I have read which I can relate to. I am 29 and a lawyer, I am educated presentable and engaged to my verbally abusing fiancé for 1,5 months, to get married in 4 months. Signs were there all along , he was always an introvert, uptight, poker face person with no light moments. It felt wrong from the very beginning but the whole handsome successful serious and relationship material profile kept me going . I grew up in an unhealthy environment myself, witnessing my parents constant name calling and fighting from as far as I can remember . Maybe this has changed my perception of what is acceptable in a relationship.
    The initial signs of verbal abuse did not take long to appear. Constant criticism, name calling , belittling , trying to make me feel worthless without him, constant accusations about my family, trying to make me feel helpless and dependent on him although I was earning as much as he did , wrongful accusations to the point I was thinking he was talking about someone else (bad with money, bad with housework, not caring about the house, not sharing common expenses which were completely untrue) . He also had a very weird relationship with his mother (he has had a hard childhood, being abandoned by his father with minimum contact and grew up as an only child by an insecure, psychotic mother who has never recovered from her divorce) with constant guilt being used by her towards him and us as a couple due to the fact that she lives alone in another town and we had to visit her every Saturday which used to cause me tremendous pressure and stress, not being able to decide for my own schedule on weekends.
    Our relationship was always hard to cope with, constant efforts, fighting to the point where I was embarrassed from neighbors to see me afterwards , it was generally hard. Walking on eggshells was my life , and imagine I was a strong , self sustained and educated woman . I can’t understand why did I ever put up with this . Being with him was simply hard .
    My abuser had the image of mr perfect to our close environment. Loving , caring , always helping with the housework, being relationship material. Even in private he was very loving with me when he wanted . I was even told by many female friends that they would wish for their husband to be more like mine. He would simply be another person in public . When I finally broke my silence and confided the details to friends and family they thought I was referring to someone else. Another thing that made me dispute my judgment even more .
    We got engaged last year and he forbid me to discuss anything about the wedding till when he said so. Two months later he hurt me with his words saying he despised me , I made him sick etc until one day we had an argument about something stupid and he asked for the ring back and kicked me out of the house . Living with him under the same roof was a constant struggle : not only did I have to put up with his bad character , I was kicked out of the house millions of times until my insecurities took a toll on me. I left him on that day and he begged me to go back . I did go then (I was only engaged for 2 months) but was emotionally numb, full of hate and disappointment, unable to try for this relationship. Still I couldn’t go. This feeling never went away .
    A few months earlier , I decided to change into a new job. The impact on my psychology was rather bad as I am terrible with change and I was slightly depressed for a few months . He decided he could not stand me , he threatened to leave me and he could not be around me because of all the stress I created . He decided to sleep on the couch for 2 months as he couldn’t be anywhere near me. Let alone the constant name calling on how unworthy I was for feeling this way , how I messed up his life and our lives by being depressed about my work and how he could not tolerate me. We finally had a huge fight for an irrelevant reason where he threw all of my belongings in the corridor and started screaming at me to get out, threw me a whole bottle of water in my face , tried to lock me in the room and was pushing me hard against the wall ( I am very petite and he is a very big guy- that didn’t stop him from laying his hands on me) . I didn’t leave but couldn’t live with myself after all this . Not only did he give me zero support when I needed him but he also made things harder for me . His ability to make a person feel better is simply non existent. A few days later he demonstrated similar behaviors when I Complained because he was very rude on me on the phone (told me to ‘kick my brain off’ because I was busy while talking to him and he lost patience) so he told me to go to the room as he couldn’t stand me and that he would make me sleep on the couch . I decided to leave him once again. I was feeling very wrong to have someone treat me this way. I came to my parents house for a few days and he begged me to go back . I did go back just to find out his only intention was to threaten me to quit my job or else he would abandon me. He even had his bags packed when I went to ‘discuss’. I absolutely denied , he implied that the root to all of our problems was my job and that he couldn’t be with me while I was there. He said he would support me but I simply said no (been working since 21 , fully self sustained and I was not willing to be financially dependent from a guy who said I was not contributing when I was paying half the rent and expenses plus a guy that kicked me out practically every month). He threatened and insisted for 5 long hours where he got me to a point where I couldn’t wait for him to leave . He did leave but that of course wasn’t the end to my problems . Constant texting , psychological pressure while I was at work and many more , got me to a point where I could not operate and I was told off by my superior for not meeting up his expectations at work. I took him back and I still don’t know why. He clearly can’t change and I clearly can’t try. Of course , we had another fight after that because of the fact that he decided he doesn’t like my parents as they turned their back against me when I was having job troubles . That isn’t true . I felt I couldn’t take any longer . Out final fight was all I could take and all to make me realize he could never change . We were having all this trouble due to his behavior (I do take responsibility for my reactions for work) and he still insisted on creating more problems when he promised he would change . He even said he was willing to try counselling (promised the same last year but didn’t go) but I really don’t thing he is a position to understand what he is doing wrong let alone fix it . I am also powerless to try . I am drained . I do have feelings but he killed most of them. I am now at my parents once again and I told him I am calling the wedding off and want us to separate. He doesn’t accept it; he says all is my fault for not trying to leave things behind me since last year. Truth is I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t. He thinks this is no excuse. I am in a dead end . I have his deadlines to cope with (have to give a final answer by tomorrow) plus the wedding stress (meaning call it off) and I cannot even trust myself anymore that I can make the right decision. I feel that I have lost faith in myself so much that I can’t even decide what’s best for me. Guilt is also an issue for not trying since last year . I do know I deserve better . I earn a very good salary, I am pretty, young educated and a good person and I really can’t figure out what is wrong with me and why can’t I just stop this sick and toxic relationship. A part of me blames myself for not trying and another part simply screams get away, it will get worse. Help!!!!!

  2. BeenThere says:

    Lost Self,

    You deserve a life of happiness. The situation you described sounds like a nightmare.

    I was very recently in your shoes. Masters degree, very successful career. 29 years old and engaged to an abusive man. But I married him. I knew his anger, violence, his abuse. But I did it anyway because I believed he could change. I thought he just needed love, support, and stability. I thought I could give that to him.

    I am in the middle of a divorce right now. Barely married a year, but there was nothing I could do. He wired that way, and it only got worse.

    Save yourself. Be strong. Don’t let the guilt cloud your judgement. There is a feeling in the gut, do you have that? Gnawing and ugh, just awful. Knowing you are in over your head. Knowing it’s not the way you’re supposed to be treated. Listen to it. Save yourself. And above all, don’t waste the pretty.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. Jp says:

    Wonderful insightful information. Obviously you are a skilled professional. As a colleague, I wonder if you might consider your editorial comments “Both men and women can be abusers………do not take any gender references….. In the context of abused males,
    like myself, reading your helpful article. You may want to consider if your subconscious feelings might have influenced your (non)-decision to avoid having to make that comment by simply writing he(she) in the text. Whatever your motivation, I hope it is helpful to realize I, for one, did feel offended as a male, despite your disclaimer.

  4. Jp, I’m sorry you were offended, but take into consideration this perspective:

    I am a female who was abused by a male. When I write about my situation, I will use the pronouns as needed to be truthful. In general, because more women die at the hands of their partners than men do, I speak of male abusers, female victims. I cannot accommodate everyone’s situations (gay, lesbian, heterosexual male, transgender relationships). It’s a freaking pronoun nightmare. Hence, the disclaimer.

    My subconscious is as clear as day. And if it weren’t, does that make the article any less useful to you?

    So, as I’ve asked men to do for a long time now: If you see the pronoun “she” just change it in your mind to say “he.” After all, women have “understood” that the masculine form of words speak to and for us, too. I’m not offended by all the “he’s” and “his’s” I read every day, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to infer a masculine pronoun.

  5. Kevin says:

    I am a verbal abuser. My marriage is in tatters. I’ve read the comments above, and the scenarios sound like me to a tee. To begin this conversation I’m not providing excuses but to tell the story there has to be a beginning. Through out my childhood my parents especially my mother called me a cocksucker, faggot, piece of shit, I hate your fucking guts, I wish you were dead to name a few. My father on the otherhand had an extreme temper, and painfully physical. I am not to those extremes with name calling but destroy my wife with sarcasm, petty jealousy, and non communication out of fear of my previous explosions. I find it impossible to be happy for someone else’s success or relationships out of fear of losing. That is completely ridiculous; it’s just ego, and some idiotic sense of pride. I do not want to be this way any more. I’m seeing a psychologist & pychiatrist which slows the incidents occurrences but really only stems the tide. No one deserves to deal with this type of abuse. Words as they say cut deeper than a knife. My entire life has been a battle between self worth, and loathing. Wake up, and make a change. Don’t be a coward like me!

  6. I don’t think you’re a coward, Kevin. You’re getting help. You know where the behavior stems from. You can work on recognizing your triggers and develop alternate responses to them. Plus, you commented on this blog. You are not a coward.

  7. Angie leon says:

    Hello ny name is Angie im 43 years okd and im going through to much and im not being underestood. I go through verbal abuse and i need help on how to get out of it. If anyone that can help me or if i can speak to anyone please email me i need to get help to get out of this world of junk

  8. Kate says:

    “You cannot change your abuser, you can only change yourself.”

    This is the last statement of your article. So I ask “now what?”. We finally gain the realization that this is their problem and not ours. We have been singled out, castrated from the family, town and closest friends. We are in this all alone without anyone thinking that there is a problem with HIM. Left all alone, feeling completely victimized.

    What are the steps to “change ourselves”.

    Now, we have better understanding. We have created greater boundaries which creates greater stress. We begin to line up the future with a plan of action. But we are completely scared to leave. Left with little finances. Not knowing how to get on our feet without being in the street and starting over as though we where a teenager at almost the age of 60.

    Tell me how?

  9. It sounds like you’ve got it figured out that it’s not you. :) And yes, there are things you can do to change yourself. You aren’t really changing the core of you, but you do need to use some skills that you either haven’t used in a while or don’t have yet.

    The first steps involve reaching out:

    1. Now that you know where you stand with the “friends and family,” you must reach out and develop relationships with organizations, the people in those organizations, and make new friends. The new friends aren’t meant to be escape vehicles. They’re meant to support you as you go through the changes.

    The organizations are there to provide groups for you to attend. They’re a way to stop feel less alone and more competent. The feeling that you’re starting like a teenager is untrue – a product of the abuse that diminished your spirit and your hope. You’re almost 60. You have valuable life experience that will aid you.

    2. Visit your doctor and find out if you’re depressed and/or anxious or have another mental illness that abuse could cause. A big one is PTSD. If you do have an illness, work with your doctor to treat it. You can feel better with treatment.

    3. Get a therapist whether you have an illness or not. This is the one person who will be “yours” – you choose him or her, and you fire him or her if they don’t help you. Tell the therapist right off the bat that you need help dealing with and leaving an abusive relationship. Often, therapists that practice cognitive behavioral therapy work well for abuse victims. (You see, abuse has a way of turning us inside out and around on ourselves. CBT has a way of helping you think clearer, behave and react differently to abuse.)

    If you can’t see a therapist, make a promise to yourself to call the NDVH (http://thehotline.org) one day each week. It isn’t “therapy” but it is therapeutic to talk to someone who understands, a place where you can vent. And get your hands on a CBT workbook. You can find them on amazon.com easily.

    The next changes involve the fear:

    1. You are a planner, so you’ll understand this well. Write down what you’re afraid of encountering. For example, “What if I can’t make it financially on my own?” This is a HUGE question. It is too big to answer all at once. So break it down. For example, “What if I can’t find work? What if I can’t pay the rent? What if my car needs repaired?”

    You see where this is going, right? When you get to a smaller question, you can begin answering them. What if you can’t find work? Answer this question by finding the job-finding agencies in your county/parish, discover what they have to offer. Can syou start looking now? Perhaps an organization offers courses for entering the workforce (how to prepare a resume, how to work an interview, etc.). Find out what is there.

    After you answer all of the what-ifs as well as you can, you will feel more secure and less fearful. You will also discover answers to questions you haven’t even considered yet.

    2. Honor your fear. It is FINALLY going to do you some good. The problem is that over the years, you’ve learned to be fearless. You stay in loud arguments that would have any of the neighbors running from your home. You face off with a man who you know is stronger, physically. You’ve taken punishments as if you lived in a POW camp. And you’re still here.

    But now, you need to let the fear surround you. Stop letting these fearsome situations bounce off of you as if they are no big deal. Honor your fear of leaving by seeing how fearful you *should* be for yourself. There’s a great book by Gavin DeBecker called “The Gift of Fear” that helped me understand this concept very well. When I realized that I was putting up with life-threatening behaviors (threats, threatening behavior, diminishment of my spirit, etc.), my home life became clear to me. I should be more afraid of HIM than of what lived outside my walls.

    You know what? Email me. I’ll set you up with a mentor. There’s much more I could write… but I have to go on. My email address is verbalabusejournals at gmail dot com.

    YOU CAN DO THIS. You can work your way into the truth. You can save yourself.

  10. Marina says:

    I need help…Someone to talk to, I’m currently a medical student so I can’t afford a therapist. Is there anyone that know some online-therapy that is available and for free? Please, if anyone does let me know thanks.

  11. The NDVH is a great free resource (http://thehotline.org) with volunteers who will talk to you anytime, 24/7. Verbal Abuse Journals offers free mentoring. Our mentors have left abusive relationships. They are not doctors or therapists (http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/emotional-abuse-help-online/).

  12. Mart says:

    Hello,

    I currently have bite marks on my arms. A bruise on my left shoulder. A fractured finger from being kicked. I also have words running around in my head about my children hating me. This was all from my abuser. A woman. She hits me then calls the police. The police believe her because she is a woman. I find the ‘he’ thing very hurtful. It should never be used and there are no English excuses to use it. Men are abused just as much as women. By using it you are conforming to a stereo typical perception.

  13. You’ll just have to change the “hes” to “shes” in your mind when you read then. After all, women have had to do it since the beginning of the English language as the accepted pronouns have always been he, his, mankind, etc. If I can read a pronoun and know it includes me as a female, then you’re smart enough to read a pronoun and understand it refers to you as a male, too.

  14. Anita says:

    I’m reading all of this and I just have this lingering feeling in my gut. Im almost 50, been with my husband almost 30 years and I’m so lost. Today, he exploded on me over something so small in public in front of my child which isn’t the first time he’s done it but it hasn’t happened in a while. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve been so afraid to speak up or say what I’m thinking…I have very bad nerves, my heart palpitates a lot, I’m tense, I can’t sleep. I’m depressed almost all the time. I noticed when I finally went away on a weekend trip that he wasn’t happy about but I was determined to go… I slept like a baby, I laughed, I felt free…then I came back home n it seemed like a dark cloud moved over me. I honestly thought my husband changed and this verbal abuse had ended. I feel so absolutely stupid for going back to him trying to make a good marriage. I want to tell him that he ruined my life and any hope of a nice time like today always ends in ruin because of his mean spirited, angry antics!!! I feel trapped on one hand and then on the other I feel like he just made a mistake like we all do and I’m being to unforgiving. Honestly, I want to smile. I want to breathe and enjoy life but I feel like I may never do it if I stay with my husband. I also don’t want my children to mess up in school because of our mess and a separation or divorce would devastate them. I think I will reach out to a therapist tomorrow. Thank you for the article though. I saw so much of me in it and it’s a wake up call.

  15. Holly says:

    I have to speak to someone who has gone through this.. I’m doing everything that a “victim” does.. I blame myself. His words echo in my head all day. He moved to this country 2.5 years ago to be with me. He’s had a terrible time adjusting. For the first year he put his hands on me maybe 4 times. Once he pushed me down and beat the back of my legs until I had bruises. He claims he has never laid a hand on me.. he says that a wifebeater is someone who would put me in the hospital. HE has explosions about every few weeks. Usually in regards to me **ucking up… yes, I did go to my highschool reunion on the weekend of our wedding anniversary. But I heard how worthless I was and what a *uck up I am for a whole night until I apologized profusely. This weekend was literally the worse. We went on a trip and it just happened that a friend of mine and his father were in the same city we were. My husband thinks I planned this all along. I swear I did not but I also wasn’t going to pass up the chance to see my friend after soo long. Things got bad on the drive up when he got a speeding ticket. I knew then that the weekend was over. The last night we were there I was up at the bar talking to my friend and his dad (whom we had joined for dinner). my husband wanted to go home. I wanted to stay a bit longer b/c I did not know when I would see them again. He got so angry and left and I chased after him called him and looked around the hotel for hours. At this point I got very scared and went back to the hotel room. He had alcohol in his system and he was very angry. I got scared what he might do to me. He banged on the door later and I let him in and the string of verbal abuse started. He also threw things around the room at my body. then he took all his stuff and left. In the am he picked me up to go home.. It was 3 hours of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard. He screamed he hates me and I ruined his life at the top of his lungs. He called me a whore and that I think I’m 20 and want to hang around men. He said he would go tell immigration to extend his green card if he divorces me b/c they will understand what I whore I am. He said I am the most horrible person he has ever met and he can do so much better than me. Then he pulled off the highway and ordered me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway. I begged him to let me stay. It was a bad area I had no way to get home. He let me stay. But would not let me stop at a restroom or get a drink of water. When we got home I went upstairs and took 10 valium to make it stop. I thought about my kids and tried to throw it all up.. but I was still shaking and worried. I told him what happened and he told me to figure out how to get to the hospital but don’t bother him with my problems. He told me never to speak with his mom .. I wonder if that is bc he is hiding the real him from her. Is there anything I could’ve done to deserve this??? I should’ve left with him I know… I regret it.

  16. Julia todd says:

    Dear Anita. I know how you feel. I have been in what I believe to be a verbally & mentally abusive relationship for 28 years but has got progressively worse. I am still doubting myself, my partner says we had a silly little argument and we should get over it! He says I left him 2,years ago because I keep running away to my mums house, she is my sanctuary. I am trying to keep everyone at home happy but it is beginning to backfire on me. We have two sons 21 & 23 and a 13 year old daughter. I want to leave him but we will have to sell our home which will be heartbreaking for everyone. I fear my sons will never speak to me again but my daughter will be happy. I fear partners reaction if I say it is definitely over, he will turn nasty and turn everyone against me.

  17. Ann says:

    Hello! I’ve read all the stories above mine. I’m also being verbally abused by my husband that I’ve been with for about 5 years. It has been hell living with this man. I’m constantly paying all the bills in our household with no support from him. He constantly blows up for no reasons at all just about every other day sometimes everyday. I earn more money than him so he feels like that I should pay all the bills while he spends his money on whatever he sees fit. He’s always saying my family doesn’t like him and makes comments about my deceased mother who just passed away on September 7, 2016. He’s never around my family so I don’t know why he’s saying these things. When my mother was living, he would always get mad if I would go and visit my mother or any of my family members. he’s always blowing up over simple things like: I’m not answering my cell phone, I’m not giving him any money or he doesn’t have any money or gas for beer, weed, and cigarettes. He doesn’t help with anything or any expense and wants me to give him money after he has spent his checks on basically nothing in the house. I’m so stressed out which is causing my illness to become worse. I want out of this relationship and tired of arguing with him on a daily basis. We live together in an apartment and the apartment is in my name not his name. Everything is pretty much in my name because he has a bad background. I wish I never married this guy and want a way out of this hell hole!My lease is up this month but I just don’t think he will leave quietly! Most of my things are already in storage because I felt it was best to keep them there because of all the arguments, verbal abuse, and just don’t know what to expect from him. I don’t feel like my home is my home anymore. Most of the time I don’t even want to come home because he’s there just waiting to blow up and accuse me of things that are just not true. I work 12 hours a day, he hardly works at all. I’ve been going through this so called marriage about 5 years now and its past time for me to go. My mom isn’t here anymore. She was my best friend and the only person I could ever count on for anything and this man was against me seeing my mother who was 86 years old. I hurt everyday for not seeing my mother often. My plans are to give my 30 day notice to my apartments, stay in a hotel until I can find a place to live, and get a divorce.

  18. Lynne says:

    Finally after 21 years of marriage the divorce will be final soon. Alot of stuff i had to go through to get to this point. I will try to shorten this a bit. My soon to be ex has made my life hell and our 3 children he has put through the same. He was very good at manipulating people. One of those that no matter what he blamed others for all of his behavior. He studied the bible and he knew alot about it. Wolf in sheeps clothing. At home he was bashing us with the bible. He would find a church and run to them and tell how me and his children are keeping him from God and he needed help with my drinking and drugs. Never took responsibility for any of it. Our marriage was so toxic unfortunately we were dabbling back and forth with different drugs. Then he would run to different people and talk about how bad i was and i needed lots of prayer because i was tearing up the family with what I was doing. lol. now i have to laugh because he was how we got ahold of the drugs. We would get physical . Yes me too but i was not gonna let a man hit me and not fight back. I had left several times and yes over the years kept going back. It was always the same. He would say things like yall are going to church because u need help. Kids getting older ect. My daughter took alot of his anger and hurt. He said some awful things to her. I have never liked u. I never wanna talk to uagain. U are a shame. 16 she told him she was bi sexual. She was starting to hate all men because of her own father. It broke my heart but i felt stuck. Told our youngest son in front of the other 2 that he was his favorite and showed it. My middle son started acting out in school. Our family was a mess. I was the mom i shouldn’t have kept them there to go through that abuse. We didn’t deserve it. Hard to make these comments short. sorry.. Finally a year and a half ago i woke up or rather he brought me to my lowest point. He set me up in our own home to get arrested for pills that he had got. I didn’t fight it. I turned around and let him handcuff me and all i could tell that mean hateful man in from of me was Thank u. I knew then that nomatter what i had to do we werent gonna live like that. That wasn’t the end. I didn’t have anything. Just my clothes he kept the kids from me. I would try to call them. He moved them 3 x and once to a childrens home. After all that me and these children won our lives back. I helped my parents get custody of the kids because i knew that i wasn’t in any position to do it. He lost custody. Didn’t try to see them or anything. They are doing so much better. Finally we have peace. I see them all the time and i am drug and alcohol free since the day iwent to jail. There is always hope ladies and gentlemen. Stay strong no body deserves to be treated that way. Now its my time to heal. The guilt that i have felt for putting my children through that all this long is gonna be the hardest to get through.

  19. ian says:

    I am in a toxic relationship with my wife off just over a year. I have trust issues stemming from my EX wife cheating on me whilst i was over seas. I feel i am stuck in a vicious circle of hate and mistrust. I am home for a week just now after a month away. Every day she has told me how worthless i am and how much she hates me. While stating it is all my fault because i dont trust her. Which is true i dont i struggle to trust any one. But tge abuse is not going to create trust. This is something she refuses to hear. She has had mental health issues in the past including being treated fir anger issues.she decided she was cured and stopped all treatment. Since then she gas been violent several times,which she claims is my fault for pushing her. I accept full responsibility and ownership of my lack of trust. She in turn does not accept responsibility for anything. I have stopped drinking to help deal with any trust issues. We attended a party at the weekend where she was drunk before we arrived. She then spent most of the night trying to get the attention of another man to the extent that when i left the room i came back to her holding hands and cuddled in to him talking. I said nothing to her about it until after the party she denied it happened. I am at the end if my tether with this now. I can deal with my issues but i refuse to be treated like this any more.

  20. Keith says:

    I am man who has been married to a verbally abusive wife for 24 years. It is very difficult being a male victim. People find it hard to believe that a such a nice wife would do that. My wife comes across as a sweet nice women to the general public. Behind closed doors it is very different. She is extremely smart and very sharp with the tongue. Trying to defend myself verbally is very hard. She can talk me into a corner regarding pretty much everything. I have tried to be the perfect husband and Father to make the criticizing go away. It never worked. I have tried to medicate the emotional pain away. It only worked temporarily. I have doubted myself throughout the marriage. We have gone to marriage counseling without much success. My last sessions with a counselor has finally help me drum up the strength to tell my wife enough is enough. She says that she is sorry for criticizing me and will change her ways. “the jury is still out on that issue”. I have quit taking my anxiety medication because I am so tired of being the victim and made out as the weak one. I am giving my wife one more chance to back off. It may work it may not. My advice to the men out there. If your partner is abusive and critical before you get married….DON’T marry her because it only gets worse. Also, do not blame yourself no matter how convincing she is that you are the schmuck! If the verbal abuse happens on a regular basis then there is a good chance that it will never stop. So say enough is enough to her and explain to her that you are an emotional wreck because of her criticism. If you say verbal abuse…chances are she will say bull and tell you man up and dont be so sensitive. If that does not stop it then get the heck out of the relationship.

  21. marian says:

    I am 58 and just left my husband of 38 plus years, where do I start in healing?

  22. krystal says:

    well lets see..I’ve been married for almost 13 yrs, I have two kids with him. I saw the red flags from the beginning, my whole family tried to stop me and I still did it I married him after he was physically and verbally abusive. I was only 21, didn’t know any better. I have a 7 year old daughter and 11 year old boy. we have really good days he doesn’t hit me anymore, he hasn’t in years. but his attitude towards me is horrible and my son is picking it up too :( . I don’t know how to be brave and walk away. I don’t want my daughter to think that is ok, I don’t want my son to grow up like him. I am scared, I read some of the comments above where they feel their heart palpitating, I’ve just realized that I feel this only when I am with him and I really thought it could be that I was having a heart attack. he recently told me that I am a depressed person, that he has to deal with me while my hypocrite self shows another face at work and with family. he doesn’t shy away from who he is, my whole family caters to him just so that we don’t have a problem. I have a gay sister, and he can’t tolerate her even though he has known her since she was 4 years old, he is not even allowed to talk to me (which ofcourse I don’t abide) she is my sister and I will always love and respect her, and that drives him crazy. my paycheck is very little because I pay our health insurance and since I don’t claim any dependents they tax a lot of $ out. anyways my paychk is enough for my cell, my car, insurance for my car, and 3 of his cars my personal expenses. kids expenses I even paid in full for their bday party, kids lunch account and my daughters tap, jazz, ballet and gymnastics classes. he gives me 1500 every other week for bills, which what ever is left stays in the account, I can’t dare to touch it not even for gas (I pay my own gas)….and every time he transfer the money for me to pay the family bills (such as mortgage, cable, water, light) he tells me “see all I do for you?” and you can’t do anything right?? you can’t even f..k me everynight like you are supposed to….. I don’t know how to respond to that, he is always threatens me “if I ever find out you cheat on me, i’ll turn dexter on you” and laughs, I laugh about it too but I don’t know how real he can be. i don’t ever know if my fear is real, my sister tells me that until i say its enough is not going to stop and that she gives me two days and i am going back to the same thing. :(

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