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Develop an Exit Strategy – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 5)

When you’re in a verbally abusive relationship, verbal abusers want you to “be a man” or “have the guts to hear the ‘truth’”. They expect you to stand there and take the abuse because without you, the abuser cannot regain control of their Self. When an abuser looks at you, he sees a target, not a person. He sees something to throw garbage at until he feels less threatened – like a monkey throwing poop.

Your abuser sees you as a threat. Your abuser flings poop at you like a scared monkey because you threaten his version of reality. He wants you to stand there until he brings you down to size and you no longer threaten him. Tell me, if someone were actually throwing feces at you, would you stand there to catch it or would you get out of range?

monkey1

In “Reach Out“, we discussed telling others about your abusive situation, your verbally abusive relationship. In “Educate Yourself” we discussed filling your mind with actual truth about the abusive relationship. In “Self-Reliance“, we discussed the need to set personal boundaries to protect yourself from abuse. If you’ve employed those three strategies, then you’re in a very good place so far as taking the next step to stop verbal abuse and get out of your verbally abusive relationship: Develop An Exit Strategy.

Your Exit Strategy for Verbally Abusive Relationships

An Exit Strategy is similar to a safety plan; both of them help you to stay safe. The difference is that an Exit Strategy comes into play at the very first sign of verbally abusive behavior and its goal is to move to an emotionally safe place now. Returning to the abuser later is an option.

When in a verbally abusive relationship, the benefit of an Exit Strategy is that you do not have to stand there and listen to one single abusive statement. When you sense the beginning of an abusive attack, you leave the presence of the abuser. He doesn’t have to say anything for you to employ your strategy. He could be slamming cupboards or looking at you in “that certain way”. You know your abuser best, so you know what behaviors predict his abusive outbreaks. Watch for those behaviors, and leave his presence before he has a chance to say one bit of nonsense.

Leaving the presence of your abuser ranges from calling a friend or listening to music on headphones to leaving the house to run an errand (the “errand” can last as long as you need it to last).

Verbally Abusive Relationships Exit Strategy: Plan B

Your strategy must take into account a “plan B” – sometimes, leaving his presence to visit another lovely room in your home isn’t enough. He may begin the verbal assault because you chose not to stand there and experience the emotional build-up with him. You may have to take off your headphones (or whatever your first plan was) and leave the house.

When you employ your strategy, it is up to you whether you tell him what you’re doing or not. Sometimes it feels good for us targets to say, “Hey! I’m going to listen to music because I feel anxious when you start pacing around like that.” But sometimes, telling your abuser that you’re “leaving him” (and this verbally abusive relationship) in his time of need (to fling poop) only fuels his desire to abuse you and guarantees a quick onslaught of abusive statements. If you do tell him and he responds with a smart-aleck comment, ignore it and go do what you said you would do (he’s trying to provoke you).

Verbally Abusive Relationships Exit Strategy: Cash

When you live with an abuser in a verbally abusive relationship, you will have to leave your house more often than you want to believe. This isn’t fair. You aren’t the one acting like an idiot, so why should you have to leave?

The answer is simple: Because you are not an idiot. You wouldn’t expect a poop-flinging monkey to suddenly realize “Hey – this isn’t very mature of me!” and you can’t expect your abuser to realize it either. You are the smart one, you are the one who needs the protection of space, so you are the one who must leave.

Because you will be leaving often, it is a great idea to have $10 or $20 bucks stashed into the lining of your purse. That way, while you’re out running your “errand”, you can actually pick up that milk or even sit at Starbucks and drink a mocha.

Safety Plans recommend large amounts of funds set aside in case you have to leave the relationship permanently. An Exit Strategy is not that kind of plan – the goal for this strategy is to get away temporarily in hope that when you return home, he has managed to redirect his frustration.

Warning Regarding Exit Strategy for Verbally Abusive Relationships

I would be wrong not to tell you that this here Exit Strategy for verbally abusive relationships could lead to the need for a Safety Plan. As time passes and you begin to realize just how often you are required to excuse yourself from your abuser’s presence, you may begin to think about exactly how much “good” there is to be had in the relationship. You may start to doubt your decision to stay with a person who pushes you away, pushes you out of your own home and your emotional safety zone so darn often.

You may find that upon returning home, your abuser has not redirected his anger/emotions, and has instead patiently waited for his target to return. If this happens, you’ll have to enact back-to-back Exit Strategies involving your children, your friends’ homes, and overnights.

For now, write down your Exit Strategy to include many different options for “escape”. But promise yourself that the first night you find yourself sleeping on a friend’s couch because you’ve had to leave home three different times that day, indulge in creating a safety plan. But first, focus on taking the bright red and white target off your chest and develop your Exit Strategy.

How Do I Stop the Verbal Abuse? (Part 1)
Reach Out – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 2)
Educate Yourself – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 3)
Self Reliance – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 4)
Develop an Exit Strategy – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 5)
How To Stop Verbal Abuse – Wrap-Up (Part 6)

This entry was posted in Abuse in Marriage, Abuse in Relationships, Abusive Anger, Abusive Behaviors, Verbal Abuse Signs and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Develop an Exit Strategy – How to Stop Verbal Abuse (Part 5)

  1. JGM27 says:

    I have used exit strategies more often than I care to mention. The more empowered I become with the help of my therapist the more explosive he gets so I have a list of places to go such as the mall, a movie, or going to the park with my Ipod to sit, listen to music, and enjoy nature. To think I used to play the victim but not any more!

  2. Al says:

    I’ve tried a lot of exit strategies, including trying to ignore the person’s abuse. However I’m at a disadvantage in two respects: 1.the attacks normally happen unexpectedly and at the most inopportune times and places but normally when we are alone or with our kids; 2. when I try to exit my wife, being obsessed with the idea tha I WILL listen to what she has to say, tends to become physical and backs me into a corner or drags me where she wants me to be so I can’t leave without having to beat her up and she must know I don’t have the stomache for that. The last fight happened when, whilst she was partying with her friends an drinking, I was unfortunate enough to mistakenly feed the baby with breastmilk earmarked for the next day instead of older milk. As I was sitting with my older daughter who was about to sleep, enters my wife in the bedroom shouting at me like I’m a child like I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Telling her that I don’t appreciate being treated like a child and not being allowed to make mistakes really set her off. I felt I had enough and told her in a ver impolite way that I did not want her in my life. I felt very bad that my daughter had to witness this including my response, so I apologised to her that she had to witness this and that I love her ver much.

  3. Amanda says:

    I got my lightbulb moment after 22 years of marriage. I knew from the day he verbally abused me out of the blue there was something terribly wrong. I am now divorced and have nothing to do with my ex husband every so often I get a ranting email and it just reminds me how his mind works. Although now married (poor woman) he obviously needs to still blame me and make me responsible for how he feels. It is crazy making stuff . At the end of our relationship his abuse escalated to new heights. Not til I got him away from me did I truly recognise what his game was and was shocked more about the way he used his charm to hook me back in far more than the abuse for some reason that seemed far more sinister.

  4. Angela says:

    I’ve often thought of hiding cameras in the house so that my husband can see the evil look in his eyes. When he’s telling my daughter’s or myself to f off, calling us stupid idiots, the look on his face is so scary. Our relationship started off abusive. I tried to leave but he lured me back in. Ive been in this for almost 20 years now. Last night he went crazy again. Of course he was drinking. I recorded him and tried to email it to him so that he could hear how he sounds. When it didn’t go thru I told him he needed to hear it and he told me no. He’s acting like he has no idea of what I’m upset about. I have no running vehicle
    because he won’t fix it. So trying to find work outside of our business is very
    difficult. My credit is horrible because he has a f’em attitude towards
    collectors.So my dream is to have an income that will support my two daughters and I so that we can leave. My spirit is gone. ..

  5. Kellie Holly says:

    Angela, I understand your desire for security before leaving him. However, it will be easier to find that income without him in your home constantly abusing you. When I left I had no job and no prospects of a job. I did have $2400 (enough to get into a rental home at $600/month). I talked to the landlord and told her I would find a job within three months, and fortunately, I did. I don’t know if you believe in God or a higher power of some sort, but I believe that God helped me as much as He could while I lived with my abuser. When I took the leap of faith and left, God was there to catch me, help me, comfort me, and provide for me and my boys.

    Since you work together, perhaps there is a way you can squirrel some money aside. Or, if you have a plan in place for where you can go, instead of depositing a large check into a joint account, put it into your own account and fix your car or have a friend come get you and the kids. The problem with waiting for an income to support you and your daughters is that it sounds eerily similar to the thought “things will be so much better when he (quits drinking, understands creditors are important, feels bad about hurting us,….). The abuse thinking can wreak havoc with safety and plans to leave.

    One way to begin getting clear is to download and use the safety plan here: http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/safety-plan-stay-or-go.pdf

  6. Hashimi says:

    I left my abusive husband after being married for less than two years. Of course things did not start bad since day one, but I felt that there were some strange and usual behavior from his side. I loved him then, or so I thought. I trusted him in everything including my money. His choice of residence and lifestyle cost my job. He forced me to live a rental unit were it took me almost 4 hours of commuting every day to go back and forth to work. I was not able to work weekends because he would drag me with him to the cottage every weekend. Eventually, I got laid-off and that is when the abuse and control became so obvious.
    We tried counseling but it did not help. Actually, the counselor supported my decision in leaving him. The good thing is that we have children between us. So, I left even-though, I had no money, no job and I was planning on one year of schooling. You can’t change an abuser, but you can walk away.
    It has been a full year since I left and we are filing for divorce. I just finished school and did not get a job yet. I still don’t have money and not sure how I will pay for my expenses. But I am happier and stronger than I was before.
    Separation and divorce are hard, but it is harder to imagine myself living the same self loathing period that I lived through last year.
    I gained back my self-respect. There is life after abuse. Trust me.

  7. Kellie Holly says:

    Congratulations, Hashimi! I did not know how I would survive when I left, either. The stress of not knowing was much easier to deal with than the stress of being abused. At least without him abusing me I was able to make good decisions for ME. I also know there is life after abuse. It is a BETTER life, even with the hardships. Thank you for sharing your story.

  8. Free says:

    Very good article.
    My abusive husband was charming during the time we dated. However, on our honeymoon he shocked me and the abuse started. He used every method to abuse me that the professionals write about. The more trapped I was with moving, buying a home, the kids, the more abusive he was.
    After 18 yrs I had had it. I found myself detached from the marriage, using some well developed defense mechanisms to simply interact with him. My world was caring for my children.
    I finally broke the silence and told my friends and family about how I have lived. I needed to know that I was not crazy, or overreacting, etc. And all those things he told me I was. I got such support from my friends! I was able to get the courage to leave him. He refused to move out of the house. That would mean giving up his control, not allowing him to work on his issues like he should have been doing. That was a miserable time.
    But, as the divorce proceeds, I am in my own place. It is so peaceful and I am finally in a better place.
    The safety plan is key to a smooth transition. My advice, stash money. Little by little take extra money out using the debit card at the store every chance you get!

  9. Maria says:

    I am getting tired of my boyfriends procratination and not letting himself live his full potential. Because of he tries to put laundry off, responsibilities ex. He finally got a job after two years of me supporting us. He has left me twice and both times i brough him back from Orlando, I live in Miami. When he left the second time I was a little wild and I did see other men. I was honest with him as I believed we “broke” up. Now when we argue he throws that in my face he calls me a “Wh**e” and he say’s that I have other men to tend to me and take his place. But says in a very nasty manner. He goes through a rge type faze. Even though we agree to put past behind he won’t let go. The he will start talking to him self where i can here and say thing to provoke and tells me to shhh! Don’t say anything. I can’t take it anymore. We make up and he apoligizes I accept. Each time i hope and pray that he will get over me with other men. When I tell him that I don’t deserve this abuse. He says, “u are always the victim” in a sarcastic way. He is very dependant on me but doesn’t believe that he is. Everything he does he asks me with approval as if he is constantly trying to please me. Then he flips… I am so confused and yes I sometimes wonder how far will this go. Will it ever go away..

  10. Kellie Holly says:

    Nope. It will never go away Maria. What you’re seeing is what you’ll get for the rest of your days. He’s attracted to you because you see his “potential”…BUT, in time, he is going to snatch your potential away from you. You will become his pawn and have little motivation to do good things for yourself because his manipulation and control will take all of your energy.

    His potential isn’t your responsibility. Perhaps if you left him he would be forced to rely on himself instead of sapping the life force out of you. Or he’ll find another woman that he can drain of her potential.

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