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Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out

April 21, 2011 Kellie Jo Holly

In the last blog, we established that you cannot control what your abuser says or does. If s/he is abusive, no amount of begging and pleading or outright love will make them be kind and sweet to you, their target. So, what can you do to stop verbal abuse?

There are a number of steps you can take to regain control of your thoughts, emotions and actions when facing abuse. One of them is reaching out to others. Reaching out to others covers a broad spectrum of behaviors from calling hotlines to receiving counseling from someone familiar with abusive situations.

Help for verbal abuse is out there, but you have to reach out for it. Don't go it alone. Isolation is the abuser's weapon - break it. Read this.Before we begin, I want to remind you that verbal abuse is domestic abuse. There has never been a case of domestic violence that did not begin with verbal abuse or one of verbal abuse's insidious cousins (i.e. witholding). Verbal abuse is a sign of the domestic violence to come, and verbal abuse is "bad enough" to count as domestic violence on its own.

Help for Verbal Abuse: National Domestic Violence Hotline

We'll start with the easiest option: the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Click the link or call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). When you call the hotline, describe your situation. If you're not sure you're being abused, tell them so.

The trained volunteers are able to validate your suspicions and help you get a handle on what's going on in your mind. They'll talk about what you want to talk about, but a good question to ask is, "What can I do about the abuse?" That question opens a world of possibilities and you can choose a viable solution that could work for you.

Help for Verbal Abuse: Tell Your Friends

If your abuser hasn't completely isolated you, begin sharing with your friends your feelings about the abuse in your life. Maybe you've spoken to them before about it but made apologies for your abuser or talked them and yourself into believing "it's not that bad." Don't do that this time. Tell them how bad it is. Ask if you can go to their home for an hour or so if the situation becomes volatile at your house.

Help for Verbal Abuse: Find Community Resources

Contact the Department of Social Services or the specific domestic violence agency in your state. (You can find one at the NDVH website under the tab "Get Help" and then click "Help in Your Area".) Make an appointment to speak with a counselor so you can find out what resources are available to you.

The counselor I spoke to helped me realize that leaving isn't the only option. Although I did eventually leave, I was able to stay saner while living in that relationship because she educated me about options I hadn't known existed. Remember, much of the domestic violence help is "secret" because victims need the secrecy to stay safe; once you're identified as a victim, the veil of secrecy lifts.

Help for Verbal Abuse: Attend Domestic Violence Group Meetings

There will most likely be a domestic violence group meeting you can contact after reaching out to social services. There may be other domestic group meetings outside of social services. For example, if you're in the military or a military dependent, there is help available through the military too (contact the base hospital).

Meeting real, live, speaking breathing people in a group or one-on-one setting is very important. Online friends are great and you can keep them; however, looking at another person in the face, hearing the emotion in their voice, seeing the feelings on their face and connecting with that person is of paramount importance.

You will be amazed at the emotions a group meeting elicits. I was all at once angry that my ex-husband treated me that way, angry at myself for allowing it, comforted by the empathy of the group, validated by the nods and smiles, strengthened by hearing the stories of how they escaped...on and on and on. You can't get that without visiting with people in person. You may borrow their strength if you have none left. The group "gets it".

Help for Verbal Abuse: Find a Great Counselor

Notice I said a "Great" counselor. I had two very different experiences with counselors. One was not helpful to my situation or my self-esteem; the other one empowered me without telling me what to do. Please find a counselor who is well-versed in domestic abuse.

Your number one question when calling around could be, "Do you have experience working with abuse victims?" If the counselor gives a roundabout answer or says "No", then they are not the counselor for you.

Stopping Abuse is About Changing Your Mind

You'll notice that no where in this post do I mention reaching out to your abuser. No where. You've reached out to your abuser enough. You know what you get when you go to them for support. Don't bother telling them you are reaching out to others - chances are, they'll talk you out of it or swing the hammer down so hard you'll be afraid to reach out again for years.

It's okay to keep some things to yourself. Reach out in private; this isn't about the abuser, it is about your sanity and finding a safe place in your mind and heart from which to plant a seed.

How Do I Stop the Verbal Abuse? (Part 1)
Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out For It
Learn About Verbal Abuse So You Can Stop It (Part 3)
Set Personal Boundaries To Increase Self-Reliance (Part 4)
Develop An Exit Strategy And Safety Plan (Part 5)
The Signs of Verbal Abuse (Part 6)

You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2011, April 21). Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, July 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/04/reach-out-how-to-stop-verbal-abuse-part-2



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

DerrickMccollum
says:
July, 18 2019 at 2:06 pm
I think verbal abuse is can hurtful and painful and its hurts other people and its a bad spirit and not of godbut you can overcome verbal abuse by praying and confessing and admitting that you are the one that's the commiting the act
Sharon
says:
July, 21 2018 at 11:56 pm
I agree with all your advice especially the part that says you can’t change an abuser. I’ve tried all your suggestions but their was very little change on his part because he survived his life by bullying, intimidation and manipulation. And that’s what he does to me all throughout our 8 year mart even though he never showed any of these signs while we were dating for three years. But after 3 months of marriage...there it was and now I get verbal abuse as well if I don’t do what he says. He wants what he wants when he wants it with no knowledge of how to compromise or negotiate. I finally had to leave the marriage boy was he mad!
Now I’m struggling through the vision of th future....desperately lonely. But i
stopped the abuse and consulted a lawyer to find out how to end a marriage .
MiamiGal305
says:
July, 4 2017 at 10:06 am
This has been a go to site for me. I am 36 years old mother of two beautiful children.  I live in sunny Miami Florida and I have a good job with the state. But with all that being said it still hasn't stop me from being emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused. I been with my abuser for 11 years. Of course at first its wonderful then the real person comes out. Now it has gotten worse, he is constantly accusing me of cheating, whether it's at home or work. I mean who would stay with someone if you thought they are constantly having sex! And when I say he accusing me I mean it is everyday.  It will start as soon as I get to work. He would start by sending text after text calling me every name a miserable person would call someone.  I save all the texts just in case he tries to hurt me or try to take my life. And if you think I'm being dramatic I have several texts right now from him stating he wants to kill me or shoot me. So I have sent all the texts to my storage so if that happened he could not get away with anything. I am so unhappy. I just want peace. I want things to stop but by the looks of it if I don't do something it going to be 11 more years of this misery or 6 feet underground.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 5 2017 at 5:05 am
Hi MiamiGal,

I'm so glad you find the site helpful, but am equally sorry to hear what you're going through. Like you say, it sounds like a truly miserable relationship. The fact that you are keeping record of his threats is a good thing — you know you don't deserve to be treated like this, and you're fighting for the self that you know is still in there, despite the abuse you're facing.

Have you taken any of the steps outlined above? I know it can be terrifying to reach out, but it's vital you seek some help. This sounds like a very dangerous domestic situation, not just for you but for your children. Is there someone you could turn to at work who is able to help you seek support and legal advice? http://thehotline.org is a good place to start.

You must be an incredibly strong person to have maintained a good job and raised two kids in the midst of this abuse. Keep going. You can fight this.
Shirlee
says:
August, 27 2016 at 10:40 am
I've been in an verbally abusive marriage for 16 years and throughout those years I've often wondered if a part of what was happening was because of me.
My husband's favorite words to me are: Idiot-Are you ----Stupid----Clown-he could do better, the list goes on and on.
16 years ago I donated 1 of my Kidney's to him as he was facing a lifetime on dialysis...he rubs this in my face saying I gave my Kidney just so I can take advantage of him!!
I also point out to him that I never name call him...he said, " of course not, you wouldn't be that stupid...cause I'd throw you out.
I feel helpless and I know in my heart that I could never live the rest of my days feeling lonely, and depressed!!!
girg
says:
August, 26 2016 at 6:21 pm
A male 67 years old dealing with a verbal abusive wife 13 years. Its getting worse every day now. Contemplating divorce no kids involved. What seemed to push it out of her control her grandson asked me over her to come visit over weekends. I wish I had been in this site earlier. She has no empathy no shame. She cares less who hears the abuse. Recently she charged me when I kept her from yelling over the party wall. The dinner party the street party but like I said before her grandson seemed to prefer me over her. The neighbors, friends and family understood it what seems before I did. Looks dire can't take it any longer
Gail Golia
says:
August, 7 2016 at 6:39 am
For so many years I have been isolated from friends. He did he things and I always work two jobs He control everything. He has always been very abusive. But lately its bad now he try to put my hair on fire, he keep saying that I am the c word. I was sexually abuse as a child and he said how much I enjoy it. No one would believe me only him it my word against him. I'm happy my girls don't have husband like my ex husband. He know I have no one, and he lets me no one want me, I'm a whore, & the c word. He yell at me for everything and I should commit suicide, no one would miss you. He switches the story around so its my fault with the girls. I going to keep a journal and put it away and I going to get help

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
August, 8 2016 at 3:23 am
Good for you! You see right through him. Get the help you want. If you don't know where to start, go to http://thehotline.org.
Bartley Lalbiakfeli
says:
July, 7 2016 at 8:48 am
I was being abused by my family and obviously friends for 20 years and its only been a week that I know what freedom really is. And sometimes I still feel lost and confused. But it was awful.
Jennifer
says:
June, 5 2016 at 8:14 am
It's really sad, as I feel that the damage of verbal abuse is underestimated.

I have now been out of an abusive relationship for several years now, however I am still at times traumatised by it. It's definitely a distant memory and I no longer relieve it every day, however any time for some reason I m reminded of what I had to deal with, I am still confused as to what it was all about? And still wonder why I didn't get out sooner?

I think the thing about abusers, is that they are often also charmers, and by the time they are abusing you, you have already given them too much of yourself already to just walk away.

I don't think that unless you have experienced this for yourself anyone can realise how difficult it is.

It takes a long time to reprogram yourself again, and an even longer time to practice this. By meeting new people and having other experiences, then this will dilute and help. Not everyone is an abuser, or womaniser, or a lier.

I gave up trying to work out what it was all about, as I didnt have the problem. The only problem I had was why I put up with so much?

I have now learned that there are lots of nice people in this world too, and it's often a few people you never realised that were always there that are the most genuine, decent and worthwhile people to spend time with.

I still have to trust myself, to trust that I can trust people. If I think what if this person turns out to be.....????!!! Then I cannot even start.

So I have to switch off the need to overanalyses things and the hypervidgilence and just accept things for the pesent and now, and guess what the red flags ..... They are so obviously painful that you don't have to worry about not seeing them, it's the Other stuff that was always there that you need to look out for and put a stop to anything you don't want to do.

Hope you find your own way out with your journey of moving on.

I ll repost at some stage when I be figured out the next bit.

J
Jon
says:
March, 13 2016 at 5:02 pm
My wife is extremely verbally abusive. She yells and cusses at me several times in a day, at least three days a week. And what I mean by cussing, she uses every curse word in existence. The counselors and friends that I have gone to haven't been much helpful. They tend not to believe me even though I recorded things she has said. Its frustrating when you seek help, snd your friends tell you to stop talking negatively about your wife.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
March, 15 2016 at 10:49 am
Jon, perhaps you need new friends. I saw a quote the other day that said, "If your people just sit around and watch while you're in pain, then they're not your people."

Find a different therapist. There are therapists who are trained to help you. And call the NDVH (http://thehotline.org) for support and direction on where you can go locally for help.
Mark
says:
February, 11 2016 at 4:27 am
Thanks for this post: I have been abused by my wife for 18 years. She used to belittle me to my children. After reading your article, i see exacly the same behavior about my wife. I had a difficult job: I did not mind her behavior cos I wanted to stay focus on my job.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
February, 15 2016 at 8:50 am
Having work that keeps you focused away from the abuse helps. But you can't NOT go home. Wouldn't you rather go home to a peaceful place? Your own home? Think about it. I believe it's in your best interests to leave asap.
CHARLETSWEB
says:
November, 9 2015 at 3:14 am
I have had a problem of the verbal abuse for 45 years of marriage. Reading some of these articles hits home. Trying to have control over my life has actually taken his fist and hitting me but not beating me, just a one time fist type hit. If it is something I want him to do, or a disagreement over what's going on in our lives. I read where they go somewhere in the house to pout, this also happens in our relationship.did not realize that this is for attention. My husband cuses all the time in our lives but does not do it in public, I always wondered how he could control that in the outside world but not around his family. Whatever I suggest it is always the opposite.
When sometimes I ask what is wrong, he says GD leave me alone. Little things so pickey, until he drives me up the wall. The cussing really gets me. I have learned how to deal with some of his control tatics, such as do not be the one to suggest places to go, places to eat so he cannot feel the overpowering me. Have a dog, you need to get rid of that dog, always telling me what I can have and what I can't have. I keep the dog, I do not bow down to his ways. He always says stupid things to make others look bad when talking to me, till I shake my heat thinking where did that come from. I did call domestic once not long ago to try and scare him into not hitting me again. He left the home before they came and I let it go because I wanted to try to put a handle on the physical abuse. My question is this, he is seventy one years old and I am 69 so of course I need to stay with him now with age and some of his health issues, diabetic, and I think seeing dementia. The verbal is getting worse would that be because of dementia, and what to do with a person as he ages with his abuse. I am a very strong women, been there, done that and am a survivor of this abuse, and have taken a stand on his ways. I even asked him what is he angry about, seems angry all the time. At this time in his life and I do see his thinking getting worse, but on the other hand he is intelligent of history, politics, watches this all the time until I think he is obsessed with this, but his social skills have always not been good, and to top it off a very, very quite man. What to do in older age is a question I cannot answer, especially with the most of the time just verbal abuse and dementia going on. I think a lot of us might need an answer to this. It is very early onset of dementia, if it were more severe dementia I would not take this at my age anymore I would put him in assistant living, but what do you do in the meantime? I have read in this article you can't change a verbal abusive person, I have tried that all my life. This verbal abuse is starting to effect all in family but they are still just adult kids, they don't know how to help mensure and they don't say anything because they love him as we all do, Grandkids adore him he is great with small children interacting.
Jeannette
says:
September, 29 2015 at 11:03 am
I am a person who is going through a seperation and a divorce and my ex keeps verbally abusing me when I try to stay calm but it doesn't work I start crying and yelling what can I do to get through this please help

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
September, 30 2015 at 12:43 pm
Do you live with him? If not, don't meet him at either of your homes. Go to a coffee shop or somewhere public. Don't talk to him on the phone (text only) or hang up when he starts abusing you. You could text or say, "I'm not going to listen to you berate me like this." And then hang up the phone. You could communicate via email or chat, too. Abusers don't like showing their a$$es in public, and the smart ones won't do it when you can show proof of written abuse (as with messaging, email, and subpoenaed phone records). Don't erase any text messages from your conversations with him in case the subpoenaed records cannot reach your lawyer in a timely manner.

Tell your attorney what's going on. If there is no attorney involvement, consider getting one so you can communicate through him/her to your ex.

If you're still living together, leave or have him/her removed as soon as possible.

Visit http://thehotline.org and use their chat feature to discover more options.
Venus
says:
September, 14 2015 at 12:57 am
What if every time you reach out they find out about it because they've somehow tapped your phone or know how to monitor your calls and texts and emails? Then how do you reach out?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
September, 14 2015 at 12:49 pm
Venus, you can get a secret prepaid cell phone for those purposes. Or you could visit the people or organizations in person. You could use the library's computers.

You could learn how to spot tapping and monitoring software (as much as is possible).

Here are some great articles from domesticshelters.org:
How to Spy Spyware On Your Phone https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/how-to-spy-spyware-on-your-phone#.VfdbWzZRHDc
Tips For Safe Browsing https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/tips-for-safe-browsing-on-your-computer-phone-and-tablet#.VfdbpDZRHDd
Protecting Your Email https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/protecting-your-email#.VfdcRDZRHDc
Maria
says:
July, 16 2015 at 3:05 am
Hi,
I think i am in a verbally abusive relationship. I have been called a "fucking bitch", "stuck up bitch" even over simple things he has become very aggressive and asked "what the fuck is wrong with you?". He tries to completely turn it all on me and lies when confronted. I feel he acts like camelon in company and i have often heard him lie. i have confronted him and he acts like the victim. What can I do?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
July, 27 2015 at 8:47 am
Find another relationship. This one can't be fixed. (I can safely assume that because you mentioned that he lies.)
Mrs. Meko
says:
April, 26 2015 at 2:41 am
I am a victim of Verbal abuse. I'm always accused of cheating, on my phone, or if I'm out shopping he accuses me of being a who're. He is a military retired Drill Sgt and we have been together for 5 years too long. I moved out and he harassed me by sleeping outside in his truck at my apt. He promised to treat me better. It took 2 months before things really got worst. Now I'm seeking a place to stay for peace of mind.
Jon
says:
December, 13 2014 at 9:26 pm
Help me find online help for trying to stop being a verbal abuser

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
says:
December, 14 2014 at 5:41 am
Start here: http://mevac.proboards.com/ MEVAC stands for Men Ending Verbal Abuse & Control and welcomes men wanting to do exactly as you do.
Benedict Amenemoit
says:
September, 6 2013 at 2:38 am
Thank you so much for your web.I am a victim of domestic violence.Is there anyone who can help or stand with me.I am a man and I live in Uganda.
Robert
says:
July, 20 2013 at 3:34 am
I'm a text book verbal abuser, I've been doing this to my wife for 24 years and I'm just now seeing the hurt and pain I've caused. I'm so ashamed of myself and my actions that I've made a commitment to change what makes me do these things to my loved ones and friends. I'm seeking out help, but I feel that I've got to do the heavy lifting myself. I recognize but don't totally understand the dynamics of my behavior, yet my determination to make a change is over powering me, is there someone out there that can give me a little help, please, my e-mail address is gujer@sbcglobal.net, thank you so much.
Jacqueline
says:
June, 9 2013 at 3:24 pm
I put myself in counseling after years of abuse that resulted in permanent physical injuries. I was told by therapists to reach out to people around me for help. I my neighbors about the situation. Yesterday my abuser returned to my house and started yelling at me and taking things from the house. He moved a year ago. He threatened me, pushed me, and took my cell phone. I screamed for help. The police were called about an hour later by a neighbor who turned me in for being noisy! I received a police warning and the abuser was given an ego boost!

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