The Codependent Love Addict and Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse and the codependent love addict often go hand in hand. There are several different types of love addicts such as the obsessive love addict, the sex addict, the relationship addict, the codependent love addict and the narcissistic love addict. Some of the different types even complement one another like magnets with opposite charges, an obvious attraction with a force difficult to interrupt. The codependent love addict pairs both painfully and perfectly with the narcissistic love addict. Verbal abuse is a routine offense for a narcissist in a relationship and accepting abuse is typical for a codependent love addict. Discovering the signs and symptoms of a codependent love addiction may be illuminating as well as an important step toward recovery.
A Codependent Love Addict's Problem Behaviors
The codependent love addict suffers from extremely low self-esteem that is often subsequent to the trauma of previous rejection or feelings of worthlessness. Codependents have behavior patterns that make their type of love addiction distinct from the others. Having unrealistic perceptions about their partner as well as the state of the relationship itself is extremely common.
A codependent love addict holds onto that first impression they had at the beginning of the relationship when butterflies were fluttering and the false advertising stage of the relationship was in full force. They always hope to have the person they fell in love with come back to them, that no matter how abusive things may get, the hope for change is enough to keep them enduring and fixed. They may often find themselves repeating, “Deep down, he’s a really good guy.”
That phrase has always struck a chord with me because I feel like it’s a way of essentially saying, “He’s a bad guy but I’ll excuse that because of his hypothetical good heart.”
At the end of the day, it does not matter if someone has a theoretical hidden goodness to them if they are physically and/or verbally abusive toward you (How It Feels When Your Verbal Abuser Is a Nice Guy).
Another unhealthy behavior of codependent love addicts is having a rescue mentality and taking on the role of a caretaker. The codependent may convince themselves that their verbal abuser lashes out at them because they have deep-rooted issues themselves and that the abuser needs love and compassion. Codependents often put the wellbeing of the abuser above their own mental and physical health. Thinking you can love someone enough to change them or care for someone enough that they will stop tormenting you, is a terrible way to live; it’s toxic for everyone involved.
Codependent love addicts are generally enablers of bad behavior and cannot effectively establish boundaries. The narcissistic love addict feeds off their codependent counterpart and vice versa. Their issues come together in a twisted kind of yin and yang.
Treatment for a Codependent Love Addict
The chaotic and enduring relationships between the narcissist and the codependent love addict can feel hopeless -- hopeless for success and hopeless to reach an endpoint. How can someone get the cycle to stop and get the help he or she needs? The treatment for a codependent love addict is just that -- treatment. Getting better on your own may not be the most effective option. Because codependent love addicts suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth, they need to reestablish confidence and value in themselves. Treatment may include but is not limited to therapy and/or 12-step meetings.
An important concept to grasp when trying to get better is that you don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to your loved ones and your friends, the people who will build you up and remind you why you are worthy of a loving relationship free from verbal abuse and addictive tendencies. Reach out to a therapist and start developing a plan for recovery. Reach out to Love Addicts Anonymous and join a community of people who will likely understand exactly what you’re going through.
Whatever path it is you take, remember no experience is a definitive failure because every experience offers something new to learn, something you can benefit from. Verbal abuse and the codependent love addict do indeed have a bond, but a bond that can, without a doubt, be broken.
Sullivan, E. (2018, January 17). The Codependent Love Addict and Verbal Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/01/verbal-abuse-and-the-codependent-love-addict
Author: Emily J. Sullivan
Thanks for a great video and examples. You’re beautiful by the way!!
I used to like myself and never gave much thought about loving myself or not, but I know I’ve gone through the worst of the worst and not loving myself has been a huge part of it. I was blamed for everything in this last marriage and beat down to my core, and I’m still in recovery and healing for sure. I didn’t get so low overnight. It took years of verbal and psychological abuse that began so subtly I wasn’t even aware of it until it was far too late. I do know I deserve to love myself and for what it’s worth I’m a better person for going through the nightmare so many of us have. I’ll never judge a person, like I’ve been judged so horribly. There are so many of us fighting battles no one could imagine.
I have little to no support as my friends do not understand at all no matter how I’ve tried to help educate them. It hurts when I’ve reached out for a hand to hold or an ear to just listen and have been told to try calling someone else after having been told they’d be there for me anytime. I’ve found out that’s merely a convenience or not and it’s stopped me from contacting people who swore they’d be here for me through good and bad, which saddens me when I’ve searched thrugh my contacts and realize I’ve run out of people I can really call when I need to.
I wish the very best for you. We all deserve to find happiness within ourselves and with others and I still have hope.