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How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?

April 17, 2011 Kellie Jo Holly

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.

The answer to "How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?" is...drum roll, please...You can't! I wish that you could control how another person speaks and how they act. But you can't.

Raise your hand if you've ever asked your verbally abusive husband or boyfriend to speak to you in a nicer way. Raise your hand if you've tearfully begged your verbally abusive wife to be kinder to you. Wow. That's a lot of hands.

Did it work? No. At least not forever. The next time your abuser felt turmoil, s/he used their anger or sly verbal manipulations to bring you down again because you cannot stop verbal abuse.

Why You Cannot Stop Verbal Abuse

Verbal abusers gain control and they benefit from abusing you. By abusing you, they feel more in control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. When the abuser infiltrates your every thought, you're more likely to do things and say things the abuser implanted in your mind. By controlling you, he or she gains more control over his or her life, too.

Your abuser knows that after verbally abusing you, you will react in predictable ways. You may cry, you may yell, but after awhile, you go back to them with an open heart, begging for them to love you. And every time you beg to be worthy of your abuser's love, they get a self-esteem kick out of it.

Even if they are the ones begging you to So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.love them again, they see your agreement as a win. The abuser does not compromise, even if he or she pretends to do so. Every conversation you have is either a win or loss for the abuser. And the abuser hates to lose. Therefore, your abuser will drone on and on and on until they feel like they've won. And the thrill of getting you back or winning the conversation is enough to keep them coming back for more.

Your desire for them to love you makes them feel important and in control. When you tell your abuser how you feel, or how you want things to be, or how much you love them, you give your abuser ammunition. By opening your heart to your abuser, s/he gains a little more insight into what makes you tick. When you open up, your abuser learns new ways to hurt you, and then files the information away for the next time s/he feels out of control and needs you to react in a predictable way so they can feel at peace and in control.

You can't stop verbal abuse. You can't stop your abuser from abusing you. They are too invested in you to ever stop abusing you. Your reactions to their abuse makes you an invaluable asset; an asset they do not want to abandon because they do not know how to feel good about themselves without you feeling badly.

More Bad News About Why You Can't Stop Verbal Abuse

Here's the next bit of bad news. You can't teach them how to feel good about themselves in any "normal" way.

It doesn't matter to them if you are the most successful psychologist in America whose focus is on healing families suffering from verbal abuse. It doesn't matter to them how many other people think you are right or knowledgeable or deserve better treatment than the crap your abuser dishes out. You cannot teach an abuser to think differently because you are the target. The abuser's self-proclaimed job is to make you less than who you are so they feel better about themselves. Period.

You Can't Stop Verbal Abuse Because You Are Only A Target

So, you want to know how to stop verbal abuse? I will give you an answer, but you're probably not going to like it. Read on for your answers.Riflemen and bow hunters learn to hone their skill to hit the bullseye each and every time from the target they use for practice. An abuser learns how to hit you more accurately the next time - how to hit you verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically with greater effect - because you are the target he or she uses for practice.

The only thing you can do to stop the verbal abuse is to remove yourself from it. You must at the very least become a moving target. You can do that in several different ways. Some of you are not ready to physically leave your abuser, and that is okay.

Honestly, you may never leave your abuser. You may choose to stay in your abusive relationship for any number of reasons; I stayed in my abusive marriage for just shy of 18 years. If you choose to stay - it is a choice, believe it or not - there are still things you can do to help preserve your sanity (Domestic Violence Safety Plan: A comprehensive plan that will keep you safer whether you stay or leave).

The next blogs I write will present options to you. For now, try to digest the fact that you cannot stop physical, mental, emotional or verbal abuse from happening to you. The only thing you can do is change how you react to it.

Help for Verbal Abuse: You Have To Reach Out For It (Part 2)
Learn About Verbal Abuse So You Can Stop It (Part 3)
Set Personal Boundaries To Increase Self-Reliance (Part 4)
Develop An Exit Strategy And Safety Plan (Part 5)
The Signs of Verbal Abuse (Part 6)

You can find Kellie Jo Holly at Verbal Abuse Journals, or social media on Google+, Facebook,Twitter and Amazon Authors.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Holly, K. (2011, April 17). How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/04/how-do-i-stop-the-verbal-abuse-part-1



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

B
says:
February, 4 2019 at 8:46 am
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. After the first year the verbal abuse began. He becomes extremely mad over minuscule issues. He’s called me every name in the book. Over the smallest issue. It breaks my heart so bad. I’ve talked to him about it so much. He’s aware that it’s horrible and he says he wants to stop being verbally abusive. He goes short periods of time without being verbally abusive but he always goes back to name calling one way or another. He’s told me his dad was verbally abusive to his mother and that was his biggest regret. He’s expressed that he’s scared to push me away and loose me because of his behavior. But still..... he continues to belittle and degrade me. On one hand he is my soulmate. We have the same values and dreams and plans and we work great together. But on another, his anger turns him into someone else... he tells me he loves me and I’m a great woman and I deserve the world. Which I believe is true but then he turns around and calls me names and puts me down when he’s upset. This is so hard. I’ve never delt with this before. I want him to change and stop the verbal abuse but idk if he can. It’s been so long with this behavior idk what to do any more. Can someone like this change? Can a therapist help him?
February, 5 2019 at 8:13 pm
I'm sorry about what you are going through right now. I don't like to comment on the likelihood of any individual abuser changing, because I don't know the circumstances and I don't want to give anyone false hope. It is extremely difficult for this to occur--I do know that. I have never heard of a case where an abuser in an existing relationship stopped abusing, because the patterns between the partners have already been established. I would encourage you to focus on developing boundaries for how you will and won't respond to his abuse and what you will and won't tolerate. If you need further assistance or support, you may want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 800-799-7233. Thank you for leaving a comment.
IzWizz
says:
November, 29 2018 at 11:47 pm
Is it really as hopeless as this? Either choosing abuse or leaving? People overcome addictions and all kinds of physical and mental traumas with willing, hard work and the right tools and support. Why isn’t that the case here?
November, 30 2018 at 11:38 pm
Hello: I think it would be irresponsible for anyone who writes articles for survivors or victims to tell them that they should do anything other than take care of themselves if they are in a relationship with an abuser. Abusers may or may not ever get the help they need, however, since the partner is always the one who gets hurt, we should be focused on ourselves first, and the relationship or abuser second. It sounds as if we are not being supportive or if we are giving up hope, but, honestly, it's actually the most supportive thing we can do for both ourselves and the relationship. -Kristen
EJ
says:
July, 14 2018 at 4:43 pm
My daughter who is not even a teenager yet have been called gay when she is not gay and i, myself and I am not gay neither or none of those other words too and other untrue names which daily because of a corrupted M.P.D officer in D.C.who said he was trying to find a way for me to be put in happy dale because I would not sleep with him and etc. And some how my daughter and i had attended his wife work by mistake in which that was my daughter's neighborhood elementary school and i can't proof he had people gaslighting me and doing victimization towards us ,but he said those things out of his mouth first before others...prayer if you are a believer in christ helps your mind...
Ida
says:
April, 12 2018 at 11:21 pm
Hello I have been dealing with a negative verbal and mental abuser for 44 years. Why this long. For the love of God. We moved to AZ to the boonies and I am isolated with my spouse. He is not social what so ever . I left him 6 months ago and don’t want to go back. He still talks bad about me and continues know it hurts me very bad. I walk away but the heat in AZ is disgusting and too hot to get out so I stay in a separate bedroom. No respect what so ever. I have my faith in God.and pray for him all the time. Help
Brian
says:
March, 21 2018 at 2:36 pm
Not all abusers are male, I'm living with an very abusing female and it's tough. Women know they can manipulate the system to their benefit.
Brittany
says:
March, 21 2018 at 1:51 am
I am in a abusive relationship. I love my man very much and I wish we were as happy as he can make me, all the time. But sometimes it’s really bad. He disrespects me on every level and it tears me down. I cry and cry and feel worthless. Then when he’s ready he says sorry and he needs me and he will work on himself. And after being torn down I need reassurance so I go back and beg for him to treat me better. He says he will and he’ll make it up to me and I believe him. I do so much for him and us and our house and dogs and he just tells me I don’t do anything and I’m lazy and I’m negative. But the truth is he is all of those things and he’s just projecting his insecurities on me. Also he’s starting to get controlling and not trust me, even though I have been completely faithful to him since day one. He recently quit smoking cigarettes and his behavior has just gotten worse. I’ve supported him and accepted his disrespectful behavior and he continues to talk down to me. Now he is saying I’m nothing without him and I don’t deserve him. And I feel I do nothing but support him and take care of him and his house. He asks me what I do and i tell him. I clean I cook, grocery shop for EVERYTHING, do ur laundry and wait on you while u sit on ur butt and play video games. But then he just tells me no You don’t, you don’t do anything. It drives me insane!!!!! I know he’s like this because He was raised so badly. He’s going to a therapist starting tomorrow because he’s starting to recognize his behavior however he still attacks me with harsh words and the things he says seem like them come from true feelings he has. Idk what to believe anymore and I just wish he appreciated me. And stopped taking me on this emotional rollercoaster.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

patsy
says:
March, 31 2018 at 10:53 pm
Hi Brittney , I appolgize for messaging you. But I can relate to your story you just shared. I do not have anyone to talk to. and it would be nice to talk to someone who is going threw the same things as me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kat
says:
April, 4 2018 at 4:10 pm
I agree may help to talk to other people going through

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lindsey
says:
May, 7 2018 at 5:26 am
me too. ugh :(
tyra
says:
February, 25 2018 at 2:51 pm
am leaving with a verbally abusive and cheating husband for a year now but have know each other for 3years and have two handsome boys, my husbands find pleasure in throwing hurtful words at me, he seizes my phone and dictates when i will have it again. he goes out when he wants and comes back when he wants without telling me, he lies about me to my family when i report his actions he always turns it against me, he continues to treat me like a begger in my home just because i have no family members around the country, i find vigra pills in his cloth and condom in his car and yet he accuse me of infidelity of which i have never been unfaithful to him, i am trapped living with an abuser because i dont yet have enough finance to take care of myself and my sons, i went to school and have a degree, i found a partime job as my son is still young, even so he decides to go out on a day i am suppose to work just so that i end up not going to work since i cant leave my son alone, i have been dealing with this for a long time i am currently sick due to the verbal abuse , the words he throws on me to drag me to the floor, telling me am a nobody and worst more.. i really want to leave this marriage but my sister ask me to visit this site and learn ways of dealing with my abusive husband till i am financially independent, i dont know what else to do am just such a sad person when am with him and its depressing for me and my kids..please i need advice
Gracie
says:
January, 18 2018 at 2:08 am
Iam just now realizing iam being verbally abused. I left my second husband for cheating. Well before I could leave I had filed for divorce an had nowher to go n sty no family n friends he made eveyone believe I was on drugs so he decided to beat my self esteem down to punish me for leaving him before he was ready to leave me. So I run into a old friend from high school who showed me such love an compassion An like a safety blanket to me an a few mths after we moved in together the verbal abuse an head games began to start. At first I blamed myself cuz I had insecurity’s an was mentual not well from what I had already gone thru an felt privileged for someone to love someone who was such a mess as I was. Now 3 years later iam more trapped now then ever I have no Highschool diplomas no job can’t work a job my anxiety is so bad I have started to cut on myself I have no family no support no one to turn to. Iam scared I have 2 sons 21 an 17 an the one sees if it but the other doesn’t. I feel have suicide thoughts all the time an if it wasn’t for the fact my boys dad took his life about 5 yrs ago I believe I would of already taken mine. I have never been spoke to in sick a cruel way from someone who can be so kind N calm an sweet with everyone else but me. I stay home I do have depression anxiety an physical issues so ther are days that I may not get out of bed or get done as much as I want to. I may take longer to get to town an run errands An do things needed done but I have never cheated an never would. I don’t keep or hide anything from my partner but innocent things that will lead up to more hurtful things being said an more blaming. He will take a petty fight below the belt an I have been guilty of fighting back with words a handful of times an that is used to make it ok for what he is doin to me. I’ve tried to talk to him about it an one min he will acknowledge it an the nxt day I’m laying him feel like a worthless price of crap an iam playing mind games an I don’t love him. Iam at my ends wit with this. He will even make fun of me for my anxiety an past abuse an the fact that I have anxiety. CLls me names makes fun of me will say everything an anything he can to get a reaction out of me threatens to leave if I don’t change threatens to not pay the bills has mad me out him first above all which I really didn’t have anyone in the begin with but he has made sure I don’t have anyone an that iam not able to go nowher an have no new friends. He throws a fit cuz he wants love an affection an his ass kissed an to have sex but I can’t love on someone when they are making me feel less of a human being an worthless. I do love him an know we are all damaged to some drifter but we can choose to get help N rise above things that hbe happen to us in our past to not treat others poorly but he will not follow thru. Iam so far is on being out on the street n the cold Home led that i won’t Barney stand up for myslef an it is making me miserable an not having any self esteem or feeling I deserve to live let alone even want to live this way. Iam losing my mind an iam not medicating myself for depression over another Persons insecurity’s but it’s getting hard to hang on. No one ever sees it cuz he will not act this way in front of anyone so I look like the bad guy but I have been recording him when I can get the chance N not get caught doin so. I want him to get help but idk how to get it an what to do but if he doesn’t get help I will grow to hate him an either hurt myslef one day more then the cuts on my amens am legs from cutting myself or I will hurt him or actually rise above an leave him. But right now iam stuck an idk what to do. My mother was an abuser my first husband physically abused me due to drug addiction my second was jealous an an abuser as well but this time thisboke is worse then I have ever dealt with n my life. An he will call me a victim an pitty party oh poor me. Well yes it’s sucks that a good person has been mistreated poorly my whole entire life an my love an loyalty has cost me my pride an all kids of other things but a victim is someone who doesn’t want to change or get help an I do iam a survivor an everyday I’m alive is another day I have surivived the abuse. But iam getting more n more depressed an iam sick of being a cry baby N a chicken to leave cuz wher do I go who do I honor I absolutely have no friends an no family. I pray n pray for a miracle but nothing. I hate seeing others go thug this cuz I can b strong for anyone else but not myslef. I feel hopeless an I need to talk to someone an get help ASAP or iam gona end up dead.
Crystal Paikau
says:
December, 1 2017 at 12:01 am
I have been with my verbal abuser for 22 years. We have two beautiful teenaged children who verbally abuse me on a daily basis. I love my family so much and I know I am being treated like a dog from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I go to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore for I have left many times but I miss my children and my partner too much. I know I am stuck in a cycle that only I can get myself out of but I have no support system what so ever and suicidal thoughts cross my mind more so now than ever. I need help because I am at that stage where nothing will stop me from ending myself. I

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ginny
says:
December, 15 2017 at 9:45 am
1-800-273-8255 Please call suicide hotline
1-800- 273-8255 Please call this suicide hotline for help. God bless you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

jeff
says:
January, 15 2018 at 9:06 am
You are not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Amy Cole
says:
May, 5 2018 at 9:47 am
Think twice before you make an irreversible mistake
Evan
says:
November, 26 2017 at 3:28 pm
Hey, I'm a teen and I've been living with a parent like this for years. I thought it was normal for people to say these things to their kids and I just dealt with it no matter how much it hurt, but situations got really bad and I didn't think I could make it. I told friends about my situation and now they're telling me that it's abuse and that I need to do something about it. I'm just scared of this person and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I might just be exaggerating but this treatment has also driven me to almost give up a few times... I just want to know what I should do since I'm stuck living with a parent like this and whether it's worth it to even try talking with them about it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 26 2017 at 9:28 pm
Evan, wow your post broke my heart, I'm so sorry and I'm so glad you found HealthyPlace and decided to reach out to us. You deserve to be loved and valued. Your life won't have to stay this way forever, being a teen is so tough, but soon enough you'll be an adult and have more options. Have you tried communicating how the verbal abuse is affecting you? Can you reach out to a school counselor, therapist, family member, or friend? Or even all of those? You are not alone and there are people out there that will gladly help you and listen to you! If you are ever thinking about hurting yourself, <em>please</em>, please, reach out to someone! I know it must feel hopeless for you at times now, but it does not have to feel that way forever. I'm going to include links to articles, hotlines, and resources I hope you will look into. I'm so glad you're here and talking with us. Please reach out to us anytime Evan.
-Emily

<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/10/coping-with-verbal-abuse/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Coping with Verbal Abuse when you can't just leave</a>
<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">Hotline Numbers and Resources</a>
<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/for-teens-dealing-with-thoughts-of-suicide/" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">Teens Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts</a>
<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-help-support-and-recovery/" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">Emotional Abuse Help & Support</a>
Anonymous
says:
October, 20 2017 at 8:09 am
This is a terrible article. I went searching for help and resources and this article telling me it won't stop and there's nothing I can do about it. SHAME on you for putting more fear into people who are grave enough to search for help. I'm putting this on blast.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

October, 20 2017 at 9:02 am
Hey there! I'm sorry you weren't pleased with the article. HealthyPlace blogs have different authors for each blog, if this article rubbed you the wrong way, maybe you'll connect more with another author? Emma-Marie Smith is the current author of<em> Verbal Abuse in Relationships</em>, Here's a link to a proactive article she wrote about ending verbal abuse: <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/09/5-ways-to-end-verbal-abuse/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">5 ways to end verbal abuse</a>

And here's the blog page that features our most recent articles on Verbal Abuse in Relationships: <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Verbal Abuse in Relationships </a>

I'm the newest author of <em>Verbal Abuse in Relationships</em>, I'll have my first article out in the very near future and every other Tuesday from then on.

I hope you'll stick around HealthyPlace and check out more of the articles we have to offer. Thanks!! -Emily
Lindsey
says:
October, 20 2017 at 6:01 am
My husband is verbally abusive and i dont know if he knows it. I try to tell him how him talking at me, always correcting, one-upping me, and just making me feel like my opinions and feelings do not matter. If he smokes pot he loves to talk with me and we laugh and have a great time. But any other time he is always on his phone, facebook, reading forums and telling others why their opinions are wrong, or not right enough. He thinks its funny. He is also a nice guy tho, everyone loves him. I used to be very independent, and had great relationships. I was in the National Honor Society, went to college, never doubted what I could do, just if I wanted to do it. I dont believe in myself at all anymore. If I have a great day and feel accomplished and tell my husband he critiques me on what I could have done better. Or what I should have said, even though it worked out for me just fine. So we dont talk much, we never have sex unless it like 2 am and he wants to, but if I ask or bring it up, the answer is no. Does he not realize the amount of pride and confidence in myself I had to swallow just to ask my husband to have sex with me. I have even lost a crap ton of weight just trying to maybe catch his eye again. I dont speak much to my family anymore, because I dont have anything positive to say lately. How are you is the most commonly asked question. Most of the time I am fine, but I know inside I am just a budle of stress worying about the next time we fight. Not that he will hurt me, he wont hit me. But on how I will handle him talking at me or yelling at me. If I go with it we avoid a fight... but if I speak up or he yells me to a corner I will fight back with mean words or last time I thru shoes at him to leave me alone. I was literally backed into a corner while he yelled at me. I feel like such a useless human being after we fight. I honestly would kill myself if it wasnt for our awesome daughter. We might be a horrible couple but we are awesome parents. I had a depressed mother who I know thought about suicide but didnt. I was her reason. But at the same time that has put so much pressure on me in life. I dont want my daughter having the same pressure in life as I did knowing she was my only true happiness. I have even had a fight (or as my husband calls it a debate) on Christianity. I am a christian and he is not. I have never pushed it onto him, but he loves to make me question my belief. I have always said although I am christian I have questions for God when I see him lol. Some things i questions but believe and that is my right. My husband came at me with so many questions, and since I have any questions at all has told me I am not a true christian. Well his last debate as he calls it; he won. I haven't been to church since and I barely pray. I feel week. I feel ashamed. I feel trapped. And I just want the man I married back. A divorce would hurt our daughter so, and honestly he wouldn't give me one. And I already have nightmares of loosing my husband. So I wake up feeling like I am supposed to make this work. But right now I feel like the dreams might be telling me I lost him years ago.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

October, 20 2017 at 7:39 am
Lindsey, Hi I'm Emily, the newest author of Verbal Abuse in Relationships. I'm so sorry for your troubles. First of all, I think it is amazing you are able to find strength in being a mother during such a trying time for you, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes during really tough times like you're going through now, it's crucial you can find something to keep you going, something to remind you how strong and capable you truly are. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, even though you know it could cause a fight because you are worth being stood up for. What you're describing does indeed sound lonely and diminishing, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, it makes sense that you would be. Check out these articles on ways you can deal with verbal abuse:<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/09/5-ways-to-end-verbal-abuse/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">5 ways to end verbal abuse</a>
<a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/5-ways-of-dealing-with-verbally-abusive-relationships/" target="_blank" rel="noopener nofollow">5 ways of dealing with verbally abusive relationships</a>

Also, have you considered talking with maybe a counselor? Or if you're more comfortable maybe you could seek out a family and marriage therapist? I know those things can be a lot to take on so in the meantime, I'd suggest reading up on ways you can cope and measures you can take to feel your true value again.

P.S. National Honor Society?! Wow! That's amazing, you are a smart and impressive woman, no matter what anybody tells you. Just like if he told you the sky was orange, you'd know it was blue. Try to remember he is not the authority on who you are as a person.

-Emily

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Teresa
says:
November, 4 2017 at 12:27 am
Your story sounds a lot like mine even though we are not married nor have kids together. I read stories such as yours and it so sad that I want to reach out to u and help u, but won't help myself.
Lorna Wood
says:
October, 12 2017 at 3:25 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together close to 10 years..Have had a lot of ups and downs. He will not take his pschy meds and is very verbally abusive to me..I took him in off the streets.,and got him his ssi and food stamps and a place to love...He does not treat me good at all..I need him and he needs me..I am disabled.He does not care about my feelings...I cant make it on my own...He makes me so sad and depressed. What can I do???
Jess
says:
September, 25 2017 at 11:51 am
My husband is an alcoholic. He is always verbally abusive when he is drinking. Which is most of the time. He has got worse over time. Last month he was arrested at our home for abuse..he just doesn't know when to walk away. Nothing was physical but there were threats. He was released and came right to the house, breaking bond conditions. I know alcohol is a big problem for him. I feel like if he could stop drinking he could cope with the problems that make him want to drink. I want my husband back. Everyone is telling me to leave him. I'm stuck because my heart tells me different. I guess I'm a dreamer and stupid. But I fear if I leave, i will regret it the rest of my life.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jess
says:
September, 25 2017 at 11:56 am
I know I sound crazy saying I love him. How could I possibly love someone who says such mean things. I love the man underneath it all. There is no way of knowing if he can beat his problem. Many people claim he is an abuser with or without the alcohol. It's so confusing and so easy for others just to say leave.
Donna brown
says:
August, 20 2017 at 12:23 am
My wife verbally abused me she's always been this way her whole life so her family says every chance she see me happy or see me sleeping peacefully she always try to knock me down in front of my children and tell me that I'm not a good mother or good wife or good person what I know I am she calls me names she talks about me on social media and two other women that doesn't even know me I'm so far in love with her and I would do anything for her I don't want to leave I would love to see it better but where I'm at now she verbally abused me so much to the point where I don't know if I'm going right or left for up or down or in circles please help me
Norma Jean
says:
August, 3 2017 at 11:41 pm
IMichelle learning ,he's taken all transportation away for years now ,ruined my job ,I'm trapped out in the country, ,the abuse is verbal ,emotional, Financial ,medical, ,food ,I'm not permitted to speak about most any topics I'm interested in or ideas I have ,I've begun to take my life back in a few ways ,I now have my phone on my sons plan my son knows something is wrong ,without details ,my daughter does to ,she is married an sick with Lyme an Lupus, an has a new baby ,a couple of childhood friends have helped me get out a few days at a time to help my daughter, repercussions when I return are extreme, I have a dog ,I can't afford to live on my own ,of course he trys to take every bit of my money ,for a long time I gave it to keep peace ,that did work to an extent ,then as I told my son ,in order to take my life back , I have to take back control of my money ,My abuser wants itemized details of every penny , I can hide some , not much so far , my medication is always a battle to pick up ,this weekend he took my whole check , I'm working on how to get to my children for a few days next week ( they live 2 hrs from me ) , I reached out to a church at one time ( people just don't belive me or want me to go to the complete extreme of a shelter , in my area the shelters are full of hard drug addicts / I'm going to call social services today ,I need help coping mentally, this here that you are doing Is helping me ,I won't be able to buy the books on line , I have no credit card or debit card ,he's ruined my credit also ,his is perfect

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

KH
says:
October, 16 2017 at 8:23 pm
Please go somewhere safe, even your son or daughters couch to sleep on is safer.
Susie
says:
July, 29 2017 at 3:32 pm
Mari if you ate determined to leave just go, it will show him you really had enough. Telling him only gives him the chance to manipulate you to stay or push him to escalate the abuse. Good luck to you dear.
mari
says:
July, 24 2017 at 6:08 am
I want to leave my boyfriend he ververly abusing me over an over again should i tell him or just leave without telling him
Caroline Reilly
says:
July, 23 2017 at 3:29 am
He makes me feel like I'm the abuser I'm at my end :( please help me

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Susie
says:
July, 29 2017 at 3:29 pm
Caroline I know what you mean, it's always us that pushes their buttons and they are good at twisting everything around to make us look like it's our fault. Let me know if you'd like to talk more, I think we are in the same boat :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rachel
says:
July, 30 2017 at 2:51 am
I need help. I feel so lost and trapped with a 3 &amp; 4 year old. I need help.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 30 2017 at 8:52 am
Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel trapped by your abuser. It would be good for you to open up to somebody about what's going on. If you don't feel ready to talk to a professional then maybe a friend or family member? I know abusers tend to alienate us from people we are closest to, but I'm sure there is someone who would like to help or just listen.

When you're ready to reach out for support, you might find the domestic violence helpline on our <a href="https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Hotlines page</a> helpful.

Good luck, and please continue to come to our site for support.

Emma-Marie.
Aysha
says:
July, 21 2017 at 9:47 am
Hi im a 30 year old woman been married for 7 years now with two kids a boy and girl. My husband is verbally abusive and later on when he realise that im hurt he will be. In a very good mood looking all happy while im angry and hurt and he won't even bother to apologise or anything eveerything will so normal to him. He also likes to yell at the kids never even go out with me to have that quality time with the kids but he goes out a. Lot with friends annd if try to talk to him about how I feel about qll that he doesn't seem to be interested he would tell me to stop drama... I know this is very wrong I dont deserve such treatment but im afraid to let go the fear of the unknown future holds me back as he made sure I become insecure of taking care of myself I dont believe in myself anymore im always crying no friends no family to turn to as he made sure I dont get along with anybody,I miss being myself my freedom my hapiness. I guess not being able to work as he denied me from going to school to further my studies is the reason I also dont believe that I cann make it out the alone. I need help to regain my self esteem so I can move out. I don't know how im gonna do that...
Jaci Dardar
says:
July, 13 2017 at 4:10 pm
My grandma is bipolar and narcissistic...she says things like "I'm the only one that REALLY matters" and "When I leave, you're gonna be screwed!" She's only 58, but she doesn't care about anyone else but herself. She once had a nice side, but...it's gone now. Is there any way to get someone to stop telling you to leave "their" house if you live there too?..

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jaci Dardar
says:
July, 13 2017 at 4:15 pm
Seriously, she's trying to kick us out of the house that we all share and I have no idea what caused this, but she becomes a psycho when she gets just a tiny bit mad...
Rebeccah
says:
June, 27 2017 at 6:24 pm
Reading your article was very sad for me. Abusers CAN and DO change if they are willing to put the time and effort into therapy and medications (if needed). Abusers were almost always victims of abuse and are acting out in the only way they know how. Your article is more than a little one-sided. Some neutrality and some education into the mind of an abuser would probably help you write a more well-balanced article.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cookiemom
says:
August, 14 2017 at 11:09 am
Finally there's a fresh perspective shared that doesn't promise hope and a solution when there MAY NOT BE ONE. Not every article needs to serve the same purpose. The article you're referring to has been written twenty times over already, let's I've this one-the space to breathe and the people whose desperately need to read it the grace that do so!
Flaca83
says:
May, 30 2017 at 1:22 pm
I been in a verbally relatigionship before I lasted 3years that was hell now I met a lesbian and she is all funny and cute but is verbally abusive I don't know what to do she said she wants me to give her time to seek help but I already know verbally people Don't change. It so sad that they don't really want to be this way but we can't allow it to continue I I I get severe anxiety at night every time she argue with me I try not to because I would be be in the same level but how she lies about things and accuses me of things is way to much it's better on time Althea waiting on something that will never happen
Flaca83
says:
May, 30 2017 at 1:19 pm
I been in a verbally relationship before I lasted 3years that was hell now I met a lesbian and she isn't all funny and cute but is verbally abusive I don't know what to do she said she once me to giveback her time to seek help but I already know verbally people Don't change. It so sad that don't really want to be this way but we can't allow it to continue I get severe anxiety at night every time she argue I te to not to because I would be in the same level but how she lies about things and accuses me of things is way to much
Stephanie L
says:
April, 15 2017 at 8:49 am
Disagree totally. I am married to a verbally abusive man who I also happen to be bigger and stronger than so there is no fear of him beating me, because he knows he would loose. Once he starts making comments about my body/hair/clothes anything all you have to say is "Well...the nice man at the grocery store/work/neighborhood said I look SO sexy today." And for any of you who will say "My husband will just say something like "Well he's retarded" All you have to say is "Then maybe I'll leave you for him." It snaps him out of it damn quick. My best advice to any of you women is to look your best, feel your best, do EVERYTHING that makes you happy. He is insecure and takes it out on you and everyone else around him. He'll learn quick if you tell him you'll leave for someone better. Also hone in on all of his weak points. He wants to throw a dart? Hit him with an atomic bomb. He hates his freckles? Call him starry sky face. Juvenile tactics. I had a father like this and I thought I had married a man opposite of him but he became verbally abusive because I realized I WAS THE PROBLEM. WE tech people HOW TO TREAT US. And if We stand up and FIGHT they WILL stop. I have tried this at home, with my father, and with coworkers and it works. "Nice" is the biggest lie we have been taught. "Nice girls" finish last. Ladies "love" is out the window, go for respect. Because no matter who you leave him for the same man is waiting for you out there.
Susan
says:
September, 29 2016 at 11:59 am
Hi all. I did have my boyfriend of 2 years move out. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. We left on good terms. The alcohol turns him into such a mean nasty person, I just am not going to put up with it. He worked his tail off the last couple of weeks that he lived here until he got his apartment. Fixing things around the house etc., sadly the only thing he can not fix is himself. I am moving on with my life, one step at a time.
I wanted to say to Luvon that there has to be something in our makeup that makes us more vulnerable to abusive situations. When I was married the first time, I went to counseling and became a much stronger person. I never wanted to go back to my ex husband.....ever. When I re married several years later, my 2nd husband was not abusive to me, never called me names, never spoke nasty to me. But he had an affair that lasted 2 years after we had been married 12 years. I was totally clueless. I knew he was a flirt and he enjoyed attention, but never thought it would go to that extent. I went to counseling then also. I got the courage to end the marriage. 9 years later I meet up with an old boyfriend and hope that this is the relationship I have been waiting for. Nope. He drinks too much and when he does he becomes a mean drunk. I will not live like that. I am back into counseling. My question is how do women find the right guy? How do they find that good guy?
Anonymous
says:
August, 10 2016 at 11:16 am
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I don't want to leave, But the mutual abuse is getting so bad I know I have no choice. I know he loves me because he does anything to make me happy but gets way beyond angry when something doesnt go his way. I don't feel like a victim because I strike back at him saying mean things back then when I can't anymore I can't stop crying, and he's told me I make myself cry. Honestly it's kinda true but sometimes i can't stop. I was sexually abused as a child and my abuser would mainly verbally abuse me telling horrible things and calling me names (bitch,slut,etc.) My boyfriend does the same and lately it's gotten worse. I too call him names when I get mad at him (asshole,stupid,etc) I know I am wrong. I don't know how to leave. We are both really good people we just have issues. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am so confused and desperate
Stopverbalabuse
says:
July, 20 2016 at 4:45 pm
I get abused by people who want to hide they are being tormented and insecure. They think abuse makes them successful. There are people who grant abusers and they will never show up in mine or any other abused persons life. I have experienced people of that kind because I did not rely on abuse to save myself. Don't forget; they make it seem like you are a victim on purpose, that you're avoiding duties and that makes you a 'bad person'. I never thought people had it in them to be abusive with tongue to repeat anger, a child in their arm, a relationship, with money, with power, with your own life that only you know how to live, and still has the need to abuse me! It's not only scary, it's hurtful and pathetic. It should not be accepted. I am not willing to make an abuser cool to someone who demands to feel like 'I do everything around here and others don't'. Every individual has the right to see how far they can get with what they can do, and have that is theirs. Let people be!
Vee
says:
June, 18 2016 at 11:46 pm
Approximanly three years ago I was newly single coming out of a previous abusive relationship and I needed some extra money so I had been working in the mornings delivering newspapers. I was always running into this good looking and quite charming man every morning on my paper route.

He asked for my number and so we started to text each other every day. Then about 3 months later we had made it official we were in a relationship. I look back and I wish I would have reconised the red flags.
- He was very eager to get my number
- when I would go to his place on the weekends he did not want me to go home ( I thought it was cute at the time)
- there was a good living next door to him who came over looking for him. I heard him telling his roommate at the time to keep her busy and tell her he wasn't home when he was with me in his room.
- I had found her panties a week later in his room which he denied for a year until he got mad and admitted it.

Those are only a few things that are just the tip of the ice berg. All of my friends and the people who loved me warned me about him. he was a "bad boy" type I had never been with that kind of guy before. So I had no idea what I was in for.

18 months into the relationship We moved in to a rental house together and by that time he was constantly manipulating me into spending my entire paycheck on him and his needs. Always "borrowing" money off me (acting like a sweet heart when he wanted something from me) he made good money and got paid every Friday and would go to the strip bar and turn his phone off telling me it died and came home drunk and broke. I hated Fridays because deep down I knew what was really going on. I would cry every day I was so hurt.
He made his mother pay his portion of the rent and was horrible to her. The house we rented had to be in name because he was working the day papers needed to be singed. I only got the place because We were previously living with 7 other ppl crammed in a small house so I thought if we had our own place things would get better. They didnt.

He would always and still Always puts me down , accused me of cheating with our guy friends, goes thru my phone , tells me I cant take a joke If he says something mean. He has gotten physically abusive a few times.

2 months after I got that place for us I told myself that I don't want this life anymore. I immediately messaged the landlord and explained I neded to leave and they understood. I packed my things and left. I was so happy. I stayed with my cousin and got my own place. I thought it was finally over.

6 months later I felt weak and vulnerable. We started talking again and things seemed great. He was so sweet to me and nice and respectful. But shortly after we were talking again he called and said the landlords were evicting him and he had nowhere to go. I thought to myself yeah sure why not things are different now.....

Every night I sit here alone in my room and I cry every night. The abuse is 1000x worse.
Im mentally exhausted. I cant even be happy about anything because when I am he immediately says something to make me upset. This was suppose to be my place and now it's his and I have to hide in my room. If I have money he asks to borrow it and If I dont give it to him Its more of a headache. He won't leave and if I ever try to leave all hell breaks lose. I have two kitty's I love so much and I'm scared If I leave he will hurt them. This place is in my name and the lease isnt up till October. I cant get out of it. If I go to the police it'll make things worse. I need an escape plan but he wont put his name on anything. Its all in my name. If I cry myself to sleep he tells me I'm being stupid and gets mad. If I knock over a glass I'm stupid. If I cant hear him when he mumbles I'm stupid. Everything of mine that was here is all thrown away. All the furniture is his. He threatens me and tells me he will put me in a grave. If I talk when we have ppl over he humiliates me anyway he can. I am so sad. I am starting to think maybe I'm just stupid?
I don't feel beautiful I feel ugly. He only sleeps with me when he feels like it and he never gives affection. I just want a second chance to get out of this safe.

He was sexually abused as a child and he refuses to get help or talk to anyone about it. He would rather take it out on me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kathryn Scott
says:
April, 23 2017 at 6:51 pm
OMG this breaks my heart for you I can't believe someone could be so cruel I pray u have figured something out but please know that you aren't stupid and you are not alone nor are you the only One going through this I researched this site for help and ran across your thread and felt the need to comment I pray your doing better he's a real looser
Angel
says:
June, 1 2016 at 5:04 am
Im married for 14 years.. We are in our 40s..We have 2 kids.. There are times that we are happy but sometimes when he gets mad he will say hurtful things to me like He's not happy with me anymore,Get out of the house, Im a boring wife, He is not happy to see his family and better be alone...so because of these Im mentally and enotionally hurt always. Im sick n tired of it.. I dont want to leave coz I dont want to leave my kids coz he will not in anyway allow me to leave with our children.. I am a SAHM... Im torn into pieces and nobody knows anything about what I feel..I feel like exploding into pieces.. I have no where to go.. nobody to talk to.. He is surprisingly a church goer and our family as well.. I cant understand why there are sweet moments with him but when he gets mad he turns into a monster.. He treats my kids the same if he suddenly gets mad at them..He will say unforgivable words and hurt them.. Pls help..I dont know what to do..I dont want us to separate because I value our marriage.

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