Three Lies Abused People Believe
Unfortunately, abused people often believe certain lies. No one wakes up one day and says, "I think I'll fall in love with an abusive person." Many people in abusive relationships report that there was no violence until the relationship was well-established. At this point, conflicting emotions come into play--and emotions can be powerful and confusing. The fact that abused people believe lies makes the situation even more complicated. Here are three lies abused people believe.
The Most Destructive Lies Abused People Believe
It's My Fault
I met a guy who could make me laugh and was the most romantic man I'd ever known. We became friends and eventually got engaged. Unfortunately, he had diagnoses of borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, and went off his medications, saying "Medications don't do anything Jesus can't." That's when the nightmare started. He became emotionally abusive and told me it was my fault--and I believed him.
People who believe abuse is their fault often have traumatic upbringings. They compare the abuse inflicted during childhood to the abuse in the relationship, see themselves as the common factor, and blame themselves and try to become better. This is never good enough for the abuser, who uses shame and guilt as weapons.
The reality is this: It's not your fault. People shouldn't ask why you stayed as long as you did or what you did to deserve such horrid treatment. They should be asking "What's wrong with that abuser?" and "Why hasn't the violence stopped?" No one deserves abuse, let alone to be blamed for it.
I Can't Do Anything, I'm Helpless
When I was in that abusive relationship, I often felt helpless. I didn't believe I could do anything. It's what psychologists call "learned helplessness." But the belief you are powerless is a lie. You do have options.
Leaving is easier said than done, and it’s often the beginning of a lengthy battle. But it's the most empowering thing you can do.
There are many excellent resources online about how to leave an abusive relationship. The ones you can trust help you realize that yes, leaving is a possibility, and yes, it is difficult. A social worker told me that the average victim receives 17 interventions before leaving for good.
Some people, especially religious leaders, believe that it is possible for the abuser to change. Maybe it is; maybe it isn't. In order for the abuser to change, boundaries need to be set and consequences need to be real. I gave my ex an ultimatum: go back on the medications and get into counseling or it was over. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but I still remember the relief I felt when he left.
It's Not A Big Deal, I'm Fine
I once wrote:
Up until now, I didn’t think I was being abused. True, we’ve had our fights, which often result in both of us screaming at each other, him storming off to sulk or me breaking down into tears, which he considers an effort to manipulate him. I thought that was normal for a serious relationship.
There are other warning signs, but I am a master at justifying them. Sure, he often shot me with his pellet gun, but he always laughed after he did it—it was just a joke. He often called my cell phone to check up on me—it was sweet that he was so protective. And he often coerced me into activities I found distasteful, but I was being submissive, just like the Bible said. He was romantic, charming, witty—but deep inside, I knew something wasn’t right. Domestic abuse is abuse, regardless of how sweet the so-called 'honeymoon phase' is.
Abuse victims often believe that the abuse is not a big deal. This is often because they believe the abuse is their fault. But it is a big deal because abuse always escalates. Your abuser will not be happy until you are dead. Better to assume mistreatment is serious and be wrong than believe it is minor and end up in the emergency room or morgue.
Don't believe the abuse lies. Learn to argue with them and overcome them. It's the best thing you can do for everyone involved.
Oberg, B. (2015, April 13). Three Lies Abused People Believe, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/2015/04/three-lies-abused-people-believe
Author: Becky Oberg
My ex got away with paying no alimony, he only paid for "his daughter" and when we lived together for those 3 years he lived off me. And he also decided he didn't want to work anymore even though he was a mechanic and made good money. He wanted to live off my assistance and wouldn't take no for an answer. That is until somebody told them (I believe was my mother) and reported me and I ended up paying back money monthly. To which he said it was no big deal and that he would work from now on.
But I am a big believer in Karma and one day after he was remarried for awhile he decided to buy some land and build a house. Well the first time he tried the contractors walked out because he is not a very honest person wihen it comes to money. The second time there was a problem with the electricity. And they had to live in a shack. The third it was finally built and it burnt down on my Birthday!
Today I am much better but 2 years after my ex and I had divorced. I met somebody else and he was the WORST one of them all! He humilated! Degraded! Lied! Cheated! Raped and forced me to do sexual things I said, "No!" to. After I finally got rid of him! I tried dating again but I was never the same and never dated again...It is now several years later and even though I have had other opportunities there is no one I TRUST to get that close to me again. :(
I didn't leave. Please leave an abusive partner.It takes awhile but it gets lots better.