Stop Minimizing Mental Illness: Worst Things to Say
I feel, sometimes, that I am at war with the mentally-well world. This isn’t to say that many of them aren’t lovely or that I have a desire to harm anyone, but I do feel embroiled. And it’s mostly because the well population just doesn’t understand what it is to be unwell. They demonstrate this heartily by repeatedly saying the worst things possible to a person with a mental illness.
Worst Things to Say to a Person With a Mental Illness
Here are some of my favorite worst things to say to a depressed person or really anyone with a mental illness.
- Snap out of it
- There are a lot of people worse off than you
- You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
- You’d feel better if you got off all those pills
- What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger
- Go out and have some fun
- I know how you feel
- So you’re depressed, aren’t you always?
- This too shall pass
- We all have our crosses to bear
And as a bonus, my personal favorite: We create our own reality.
Ugh. (I'm not the only one thinking about this, check out the worst things to say to anxious people.)
Why These are Stupid Things to Say
Any of those statements shows that you have no idea what you’re talking about. You fundamentally do not understand the concept of a mental illness if you think any one of these are appropriate. I suggest trying it with other physical health problems and see how you feel:
Hey, diabetic, snap out of it.
Hey, epileptic, I know how you feel.
Hey, paraplegic, so you can’t use your legs, isn’t that always the case?
Hey, person with multiple sclerosis, we create our own reality.
You get the idea. No one would think that is reasonable, and it’s no more reasonable just because you can’t see the illness because it’s in my brain.
These Are Hurtful Things to Say
And perhaps worse than showing ignorance, these things even inflict pain on the person you’re trying to “help”. You are saying that:
- They could choose not to be sick if they really wanted
- Their illness is not serious
- They have no “reason” to be ill
- Their treatment is wrong
- They’ll be better off from it
- They would be fine if they would just “go out”
- Their illness is minimal
- Their pain doesn’t matter
- They should just wait for the pain to end
- Their illness is just like anyone else’s problem
- They choose to be sick
Again, I dare you to tell a person with any other illness any of those things.
And lest we forget, the mentally ill person in front of you is already probably feeling very bad about themselves, and you have chosen to go and make it worse.
Let’s Not Forget, People Die From Mental Illness
The idea that mental illness is serious isn’t something that I made up, it is a fact. Estimates are 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder commit suicide and 1 in 2 people (yes, that’s half) attempt it. And, of course, there are hospitalizations, work absences, destroyed families, having to go on disability, and so on. This is serious stuff people. It is not a runny nose.
Why Do People with Mental Illness Have to Justify Themselves?
Why is it that just because I see a psychiatrist and you see a neurologist your disease is real and mine is not? Why is it you assume I can will my disease away while you can’t? Why is it that you can expect me to bring you chicken soup when you get the flu but when I get sick I can’t even expect that you’ll stick around?
I do understand that people don’t know they are being hurtful. People are trying to help. I get it. But here’s the thing, my illness is just as real as anyone else’s. Please stop forcing me to convince you.
Update: Check out the best things to say to someone with a mental illness.
Tracy, N. (2010, September 7). Stop Minimizing Mental Illness: Worst Things to Say, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, August 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/09/stop-minimizing-mental-illness-worst-things-to-say
Author: Natasha Tracy
Yup, those are some good ones.
Oh, "everyone is a little bipolar" would seriously set me off.
It's the same as when people say "well what's normal? No one's normal."
The only people who think that _are_ normal.
Yeah, my mother used to say similar things to me when I was a kid too. It's just flip. So I suppose you can flip it off just as easily.
or my other favorite is "it could be worse"
I just don't tell anyone I don't truly trust I am bipolar with anxiety,panic with ptsd. they love to put me in a tiny box and make my daily agony seem like its something I do just for attention. (because I just love all the medicine lol and all the bs...ah its so much fun hehehe)
sometimes I do get tough with people who have an opportunity to help themselves but don't. not to be mean but because some want a solution and some don't.
but for others I tread lightly because they've done all they can do, I mean if you have cancer and chemo failed, I wouldn't yell at you while your dying...
but if you want help,and there's a possibility of success I get annoyed if one chooses to do nothing because they think failure is imminent.(kinda like I see the infection and I have the antibiotics but I'd rather just flush it and loose a leg)
I think some of the comments that come from the non mentally ill to the mentally ill about how our disease is either imaginary or not as good as theirs(not that there is a contest going) is simply a lack of empathy and education.
when I got diagnosed and finally accepted it,my boyfriend and I actually split for awhile because he couldn't accept the fact I was sick,and he didn't believe me. It was only after learning more about it he choose to believe me and out of love (and insanity I think) he is still here.
my last favorite comment that makes my blood boil is "everyone is just a little bipolar" as if its like a headache or PMS....I don't take mood modifiers,seroquel and xanex cause I have a headache, I take them cause im sick. So sick I have ended up in the emergency room. And though pills don't cure it all they make it barely livable.
I just find not telling anyone i don't have to is easier for the most part.
the part that hurts the most is when family gives me resistance for treating my daughter who shares the same disease I do. As if i am such a bad mom for getting my bipolar 10 year old medicine. SO I should let her have mood swings, I should let her stay up for days until she is crying cause she can't sleep. I am so horrible for getting her help? but then when its working,they guess it is for the best.WOW how very nice of them.
would a mom treating her kid for diabetes be yelled at for giving them insulin and checking their sugar? why should I be chided for getting her checked and getting her help and medicine?
So I am either a bad mom for getting her help, or a bad mom for not noticing it sooner....
I am either a self indulgent person for getting myself treatment or selfish person to live in denile. either way I am screwed it seems.
wow what a messed up world we live in lol.
my aunt who i love once said, if you're unhappy all the time, people will think you enjoy it. lol. misconceptions abound and it's truly saddening.
I just wrote a post about that very question: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/10/supporting-the-mentally-ill-best-things-to-say/
People want to be helpful and say the natural encouraging words that come to mind. Could you suggest some helpful ways to speak to a person who is going this disorder? Thanks for your concern and effort to be helpful.
I certainly agree that when anyone does something to hurt another person that warrants a conversation. I would hope that friends would tell me when I have hurt them, absolutely.
However there is no reason to tell someone to "snap" out of anything, mentally ill or not. If someone wants to tell you to "look at things differently" that's certainly their right, but there's no reason they can't say it just like that.
There are many ways to express the same point and some work better than others. I've also never told an alcoholic, a grieving widow, someone with cancer, or someone who just lost their job to snap out of it either. I just don't think it's the right way to go.
Thank-you for bringing up this point. I agree, it's important to note what good things are to say to the mentally ill. This would be quite a long answer and deserves a post of its own.
Don't get a lobotomy. Icepicks are out this year ;)
As for my writings here, they are owned by HealthyPlace so other publication would have to be in conjunction with them. I agree, it's something for me to look into though, for these writings or others. Thanks for the suggestion and the compliment.
I got this link toady only but it is a brilliant view point of a sufferer.But i wish you have given some input to carers who love their child "what to say" which will not hurt or affront them.
Mostly the people who say these things are the parents, spouces or may be even children with good intention as due to the input given by mental health professional or just they think it is the correct thing to do.
By the way being SILENT is part of conversation as i understand but you seem to think just being left alone will help.
do enlighten a carer who loves his daughter.
have you thought of publishing parts of your blog with NAMI who advocates for us and particularly fights stigma or even SAMHSA newsletters to reach a wider audience? it would be nice to see this blog in a SAMHSA newsletter. thanks again for writing a blog that touches so many.
However, what I'm seeing here, is a lot of denial about some good ways in which people have come OUT of disease; Yes, positive thinking CAN help - not only in mental illnesses, but in physical diseases as well. Recovery from cancer rates have been shown to be better in people who were more positive and optimistic about their outlook than in those who were negative and pessimistic. Bad things happen to everybody - for example, throughout my childhood (beginning from the age of about 9 till beyond high school), I was bullied, ignored, had no friends, was treated with pure disgust and contempt by most of my peers, didn't go out to parties, didn't have a boyfriend - Of course I was sad (I'm not going to say depressed because of the clinical connotations this has), had major self-esteem issues (and still sometimes do), had a pretty hefty inferiority complex ... and I was able to work through these issues and become in all respects, a successful contributer to society, with great friends and a supportive family. Not on meds, not in therapy - just on my own, because I was able to continuously believe in myself and maintain a positive outlook.
Now, I'm NOT saying that medication or therapy is bad - of course they are not, they help people work through their problems. And I know a lot of people have problems more significant than min, which is perhaps why they have an illness ... I don't know.
Perhaps the reason those people who give such advice are NOT sick is BECAUSE they know how to apply that advice. I personally, don't think any harm ever came from thinking positively. Just try it :) It's not so bad ... everyday, go stand in front of the mirror, take 5 mintes, really look at yourself and say positive things about yourself. Tell yourself you're beautiful, loved; find the things that most make you happy and say thanks for them, tell yourself that you deserve good things and you are a valuable, important member of society....try it...it might help.
I'm not trying to be controversial or offensive, I'm just coming from a different perspective. Best wishes to all.
I hope this brings new light on what these statements do for your Mother-in-Law. I do believe that most people don't want to trigger us, but they just don't fully appreciate what they are saying or doing and the kind of effect that it has.
Good luck. Remember, even if she never gets it, you do. Let your own inner-voice silence hers.
Yeah, other people think a night of partying will "make you feel better" just because it makes _them_ feel better. People see things through their own lens and forget that sick people don't function like everyone else. We're extremely sensitive. Like a fine, handcrafted, Swiss watch. You can't just throw us around and expect us to like it.
It's true, in different places and in different cultures, people do have more or less tolerance for mental illness. It's tough if you live in a less tolerant place.
But what I will say is that by both of you speaking out, you're making a difference to everyone, and that's how change happens.
Obviously someone telling you you're doing it as a "cry for help" is an attempt to minimize your pain. Which is not appropriate.
But I have a slightly different take. All those people out there with scratches, crying for help, have pain too, and need help too. There's nothing wrong with a cry for help. Yes, there are more constructive ways to get it, but if crying in public with scratches is the best you can do, then it's the best you can do.
That's true, it's not just us. People do say horrible things to people with many illnesses, but I've never seen so many as for mental illness. (Negative thoughts? You should hear them now...)
I would say that autism is a highly-misunderstood disease. It's another brain disease. People don't really get that. People don't get brain diseases.
As for what was said to you as a child, well, that's just the epitome of ignorance. While difficult, I would write those comments off as to stupid to even address.
I can understand how frustrated you might be when someone says you're "high-functioning" or that it "could be worse". I get that all the time, and yes it does minimize what people go through.
Here's the thing though, humans have a natural inclination to try to "make things better". To see the bright side. It's just a human thing. They don't want to see illness and pain so they try to make it seem less sick and painful. It's not about you, it's about them. It's not about minimizing your disorder as much as it is about making themselves feel better. Looking on the bright side is something we all do, and something we all need to do from time to time, but I can understand why it feels dismissing.
And yeah, I know the "oh, yeah, I forget stuff too sometime". Really? Do you forget months? Do you forget the name of 80% of the people you meet? Is your brain charred and hollowed from drugs? Arg. Yes. Frustrating.
Quick note, have you read anything by Oliver Sacks? He's a doctor that works with neurological disorders and his book
The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, Oliver Sacks
is absolutely amazing. It explores the brain, and illnesses of the brain in a way that I've never seen before. And there are a couple of autistic case studies that I found very illuminating. I admit, I am not the most educated person when it comes to autism, but this book put it, and other disorders in a new light for me. I highly recommend it.
Yes, I find the "positive-thinking" crow incredibly annoying and self-righteous.
People often attribute recovering from an illness as due to "a positive attitude" and "never giving up". Well, that's fine, but I think you might be overlooking a key factor - the medicine.
These think positive people think they're better than everyone else because they could positively think themselves out of "anything". Of course, that's ridiculous. The fact that they think that simply indicates that they haven't been tested the way some others have.
As for minimizing my disability I have yet to have my autism brought up when someone somewhere in the conversation doesn't make comments about how I could be "so much worse" or how "high-functioning" I am, which is just code for "it's not that serious, get over it."
"I feel your pain" is probably, for me, the most hurtful, though. I already struggle a lot with self blame about my difficulties doing certain things. When I tell someone that I have executive memory failures because of my condition which cause me to be unable to remember things I have to do the appropriate response isn't "oh, I know how you feel, you see I forget to do things sometimes too." No, no you don't understand because forgetting to do things once in a while and being unable to get your work done because of it are on a whole different level. And don't ever tell me that you have social problems, too. Unless you are autistic, they are NOT THE SAME!
But yeah, if someone doesn't suffer from a mental illness, "I know how you feel" can be the wrong thing to say!
Spork them? Oh, do post pictures of that. Can you imagine the police report? "Officer, I was sporked! Drop the spork and step away slowly!"
Yeah, medicine. Suppresses all seizures and all crazy. Spork indeed. They asked for it.
Another favorite for my mentally ill cousin AND for me: "don't you take medicine or something for that?"
Admittedly, I hadn't considered that, but I suppose it's true. You're right, the post you linked to does lay it out well, but for the record, I have no desire to dismiss anyone else's experience with similar issues.
It's shocking that it takes a suicide attempt for someone to believe you have an illness and take you seriously. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Yes, others can be very frustrating. What I have found is that the longer I have this disorder and the more I know the more confident I am around other people. Eventually it doesn't matter if they believe you.
Sometimes you just have a bad day nothing to do with suffering from bipolar and the people that you have told will say oh are you on a downer because of your bipolar...I just want to say NO I'm just having a bad day like lots of people. Very frustrating.
Thank-you. I'm glad it resonated for you.
Yeah, I get that "weak minded" comment. I have wasted so much time beating myself up for not magically "fixing" my bipolar disorder. And these type of comments can bring it back.
I'm glad you're over it. Stay over it.
Yup, it sounds it sounds like you've been there, or are there right now. These people are trying to be helpful, but gosh is it not.
I completely agree. Telling someone anything from a religion is just a poke in the eye. Not only does it say "you're not doing the right thing" but it also says, "you don't even have the right belief system to get better."
It's really tough to take.
summed up my anger,bitterness,resentment,self reproach so well.after hearing these helpful comments from others there is this whole cycle of self reproach that usually follows when u now repeat these statements to yourself and judge yourself for obviously not trying hard enough since u pretty much stand where u were!....there's more self loathing,more depression and more 'help' from others.and so it goes on....