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My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself

My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself

Kate White, our anxiety blogger here at HealthyPlace asked the question: what does a mental illness feel like? Well, that’s a big question. I’ve been writing for years to answer it. In today’s bipolar video though, I expose one facet of crazy that really ruins my day.

I Hate Myself

Depression makes you hate yourself. Not for everyone, I suppose, but for me, it does. So I’m constantly trying to convince myself I’m not the awful disgusting creature my bipolar brain, my crazy, keeps telling me I am.

Here I talk about how a tiny interaction with my friend inflames the crazy, and even though I can see the fire, it still burns.

My Irrational Bipolar Brain

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or follow @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.

Author: Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is a renowned speaker, award-winning advocate and author of Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar.

Find Natasha Tracy on her blog, Bipolar Burble, Twitter, Google+ and Facebook.

28 thoughts on “My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself”

  1. I am mixed bipolar, have PTSD, and extreme anxiety disorder and ADD. I am on ss disability. I once was so strong. Nothing could knock me down. I always had a “don’t pis* Brandi off side”. But in my mid 20s I had my 1st break down but my episodes are so frequent, and I am rarely “normal”. Some days I can’t function. Or finish a scentence, or think of a single word. Others my vocabulary is high and educated, and I am able to do my hobby. (Model creative concepts). But for the past yr I have such high anxiety I get to worked up I don’t even model much. Taking care of my 4 babies has become a task I need help with. Some days I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I am looking at. Or how I got here.

  2. Although I’m considered a high functioning bipolar it’s so taxing to feel the need to always be on, like I’m on stage in some sort of play pretending to be normal, whatever that is… It can be extremely exhausting. I’m not so good at hiding my feelings when I’m particularly run down. Medication can help to dull the senses and make it easier to go through the motions but it also has been known to kill the spirit. I’m so short on energy these days. Fall/winter tends to make me feel that way as the inevitable depression starts to sink in. Sometimes I just need time apart from people to be me, let my hair down, relax a little, then gather myself together again. When I pull away from others for a while like that they simply don’t understand because 95 percent of the people I know don’t know I have a bipolar disorder and they tend to take it personally. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but I am still very uncomfortable with the bipolar diagnosis and I’m not ready yet to tell people about it who quite likely will not understand anyway… We all have our insecurities that affect our views of the world and the people we surround ourselves with in it, bipolar or not… I hate this disorder and the way it makes me feel. It has contributed to the downfall of many a relationship which leaves me feeling more alone than ever before. Relationships take energy, time and commitment to build and can easily be torn down after repeated episodes…

  3. I really cannot stand or except the fact that I have bipolar disorder, even though I’ve been diagnosed by 3 different doctors and been constantly put on all kinds of medications that DONT work, but I pretend everything’s fine and dandy cause I have 3 beautiful daughters, who need me, and a loving husband who I have put thru hell and back and I somehow still think it’s him that made me this way most of the time.. Everyone’s story is different and I keep thinking that being Bipolar is bullshit and just an excuse for ridiculous behavior but yet I go on everyday taking my f-d up meds.. This Bipolar just sucks. Thanks for letting me vent, no one in my life has a clue

  4. I hate being bpii. Its been 2 year’s. I do weird things. Say stuff that’s funny. But sometimes my social skills suck and I mess up. I hate doubting. Does my husband make it worse. Or am I really bad off. Guilt shame. Embarrassed. And I haven’t worked because the cy ly is so unpredictable!! Lows could mean no food or getting g out of bed. To energy and seeking fun with friends. I would rather die then hurt others. Mostly I hate the judgement of my behaviors, which make sense to me. Lord I sm messed up

  5. I am so grateful to have found this place this morning. I am struggling, so severely, with my bipolar depression that it is eating me away…I am barely even a piece of the person I truly am/once was. Gosh, I hope I can find some help and answers and understandings here before my head completely spins off of me! I feel crazy. I mean, I am crazy. I know that. But I hate most, that others are seeing it or judging me. I’m so paranoid and exhausted and defeated. Just defeated.

  6. …l have bipolar ll. I call it the Theif in the Night. I have two beautiful daughters who I adore. They can’t take the cycles and while they are both extremely educated and intelligent, they take my depression personally. Why shouldn’t they? They feel abandoned ! So my guilt keeps me up all night. I feel abandoned, too, because I cannot control when the depression hits, and suddenly I am..gone. This recent bout with depression started in October. It is near the end of February. The fight we all have is lonliness because this disease isolates us. I guess all I can offer in hope is to say that we are not the disease. And we have to try to be kind to ourselves. That is easier said, than done. But I have never learned to nurture myself because I was so busy worrying.

  7. why do i back off when people try to get close to me.
    I start being mean and say hateful things so that my friends don;t come back. I use to have lots of friends but i don;t have any anymore. Even my oldest son hates me.

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