What is Coming Out?

"Coming out of the closet" is the process of admitting you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning/queer, intersex, asexual, etc.. The first and most important step is admitting your sexuality to yourself. You may or may not choose to tell others you are gay; however, each time you tell someone, you are coming out again.

Coming Out of the Closet – Should I?

Coming out of the closet is an important and logical step once you have realized and accepted your sexuality. It is important, however, to not rush this step. Before coming out to your family, friends, classmates or co-workers, consider some of the following coming out advice and make sure you read this article on the top 4 ways you shouldn't come out LGBTQIA+.

Coming Out Advice

This is the single most important question to ask yourself when coming out is "why?" There are both good and bad reasons to come out. One example of a bad reason would be to hurt or shock others. Coming out should be about personal liberation, not to hurt others; as, generally, the one getting hurt in the end is yourself.

Positive reasons to come out might be:

• Because you are proud and comfortable with yourself as a person
• Because you feel uncomfortable keeping your sexuality suppressed
• Because you want to meet others who share your sexuality

Coming Out Can Be Liberating

Most people say that coming out has been a positive and liberating experience for them, as if a massive weight has been taken off of their shoulders. This may be because a deep secret has come out into the open and no longer needs to be hidden; this removal of burden is viewed as a positive.

The Risks of Coming Out

There are different risks depending on the different people to whom you choose to come out. If you still live at home and choose to come out of the closet to your parents, they may not accept it and could respond by placing certain restrictions on who you can see and when. A school setting can also be unfriendly to LGBTQIA+ youth. Unfortunately, taunting and even hazing can still exist in some schools.

Coming out at work can have its own risks as well; however, it is illegal in 31 states to be fired because of sexual preference.

Even with some of the negative reactions that could be present, most people find coming out of the closet to be a positive step.

Advice on Preparing to Come Out

To prepare yourself for coming out, you should consider the following coming out advice:

First, accept yourself

Before coming out of the closet you must be sure and positive about it yourself. If you still have doubts, it might be necessary to discuss it with a close friend or family member first.

Find the right time

Timing can also be an important aspect to consider. Choose a time when you and the person you are coming out to have plenty of time to talk. Also, make sure you select a time that is unlikely to be emotionally charged due to stress or fatigue.

Be calm

Think about your emotional state and be aware that you may get nervous, which under the circumstances is perfectly normal. It might be unwise to come out when you are angry or sensitive as this may affect your delivery. Also, decisions of this magnitude should never be made under the influence of alcohol.

Be ready to accept the consequences

Come out only when you are ready and willing. One man said he was ready to come out when he knew that, if necessary, he could live without his family's support. Fortunately, for him, things never progressed this far. However, it's important for you to understand the possible consequences and reactions to coming out)

Choosing Who To Come Out To

How do you choose the person to come out to? Consider this coming out advice.

Find the person you consider to be the most supportive and make him or her the first person you come out of the closet to. A good place to start might be with a good friend, someone who has a lot of gay friends or someone who is already gay.

Check school or workplace policies

If you are considering telling a teacher at school, you should find out that school's policy on confidentiality because they might be required to tell someone else. If you work for someone, depending on the size of the company you work for, there may be policies in place to deal with discrimination against a person because of their sexuality. However, before coming out at work, it's important to be aware that employees gossip and managers can discriminate in a way that isn't obviously based on your sexuality.

Coming out to your family

One of the best reasons to come out of the closet to your family is to become closer with them. You may want to start off with a sibling because it might be easier for them to understand homosexuality. You could also choose to tell one parent first and then use that parent's help to tell the other.

Understand the consequences

Although understanding and acceptance of homosexuality is growing, homophobia still does exist. Word has a habit of spreading fast. Be aware that people might find out quickly, and you must be ready for that.

You may feel comfortable in coming out your friends, but telling parents can get tricky, especially if you still live with them since they have a lot of control over your life.

Get educated

It is important to understand what it means to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered. The people you come out to may have some questions and it is important to have answers for them.

Get support

It would be nice to have at least one person who you know will be supportive and accept your decision. Coming out of the closet can be a very tough process and having at least one person on your side can help get you through the process. You might also consider contacting and/or joining a gay support group or gay support organization to get the support you need.

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When people first hear the word biphobia, it is common to ask, "What is biphobia?" Biphobia refers to the fear, hatred or intolerance of bisexual men and women. Biphobia is a term used to describe aversion felt toward bisexuality and bisexuals as a social group or as individuals.

Biphobic: Negative Attitudes Towards Bisexuality

There are many people who are biphobic. They carry negative attitudes towards bisexuality, with the most common being, "there's no such thing" or "it's not possible" or perhaps that it is "just a phase." Some buy into or promote myths about bisexuality. These ideas tend to be mean-spirited and negative attacks on bisexuality.

There are many other common phrases uttered by the biphobic which all center on the "it's just a phase" theme:

• You'll grow out of it
• You're just experimenting
• You're just too chicken to come out as gay
• You have to pick a side eventually
• When you decide on a life partner or settle down, you'll reveal your true colors

While none of these denies the existence of bisexuality, they all insist on it being a transition phase in a person's life.

Although there are some people who identify themselves as bisexuals that eventually come to identify as either homosexual or heterosexual, this does not mean bisexuality cannot be a person's long term sexuality. Some people are attracted to one sex, others to more than one.

Biphobia and Homophobia

Bisexuals can face biphobia from people that are homophobic, from people who are not homophobic and from homosexuals as well. If you are facing biphobia it is important to get support and not allow the biphobic behavior to continue.

At work, you can tell a manager, union representative or contact someone in the Human Resources department. If you're facing biphobia situations at school, you can talk to a teacher.

There are local advice lines available, as well as citizen's advice bureaus and local lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgendered (LGBT) support groups that can guide you. The GLBT National Help Center offers phone and online support for bisexual adults and teens dealing with biphobia and other issues.

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Some people ask, "Are bisexuals equally attracted to men and women?" This is a good question and, as it turns out, equal attraction is not required in bisexuality.

If a person is more attracted to red-heads than brunettes, it does not mean the person is not attracted to brunettes, it just means that he prefers red-heads. Likewise, preferring lettuce to liver does not make you a vegetarian. So there is no reason to think that bisexuals would have an equal preference to both genders.

There is a wide variety of types of bisexuals; while some love the differences between genders, others don't even see the differences and there are some who think that seeing things in terms of gender is restrictive.

Sexuality is not all black and white and in the end, it all comes down to personal preference.

Hopefully, this puts the "equal desire myth" to rest. Here are some other myths about bisexuality.

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Definition of Bisexual

Most people are drawn physically and emotionally to people of the same sex or the opposite sex. A simple definition of bisexual is: people who experience sexual and emotional attractions and feelings for people of different genders at some point during their lives.

These people are called bisexuals, although many people prefer to call themselves:

• Pansexual
• Non-preferential
• Sexually fluid
• Ambisexual
• Omni-sexual

However, bisexuality is not that simple and bisexual people are a very diverse group. (read: Top Myths About Bisexuals) Some characteristics of a bisexual person might be:

• The person is comfortable having romantic and/or sexual relations with members of either sex (Are bisexuals equally attracted to men and women?)
• Sometimes the attraction is stronger towards one sex, but the attraction to both is still there
• The person may alternate between same-sex and opposite-sex relationships
• They may have a steady heterosexual relationship along with an occasional relationship with the same sex partner or vice-versa
• Many bisexuals feel the person is more important than what type of genitalia they have

The Definition of Bisexual Can Mean Not Fitting In

A big complaint of bisexual people is that they feel that they can't fit anywhere. (read: Coming Out Bisexual)

• Gay or lesbian people feel that bisexuals are "not really gay" or that they are really gay or lesbian "in denial"
• Heterosexual people may reject bisexuals due to homophobic stigma
• Heterosexual women may reject a bisexual man out of misguided fears of HIV and AIDS
• Lesbians distrust bisexual women for betraying their allegiance to women and feminism

Bisexuals then, tend to feel isolated and confused and they lack the proper support from either side. Read more about biphobia here.

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If you persistently feel awkward around others, or in public, you might wonder, "Do I have social anxiety?" This social anxiety test is designed to answer that question. This social anxiety disorder test will show both social anxiety and social phobia symptoms.

Social Anxiety Test Instructions

Carefully consider the following social phobia test questions. Record a yes or a no response to each question. See the bottom of the social anxiety quiz for information on what your answers mean.

Social Anxiety Test¹

1. Are you troubled by the following?

Intense and persistent fear of a social situation in which people might judge you

Yes No

Fear that you will be humiliated by your actions

Yes No

Fear that people will notice that you are blushing, sweating, trembling, or showing other signs of anxiety

Yes No

Knowing that your fear is excessive or unreasonable

Yes No

2. Does a feared situation cause you to...

Always feel anxious?

Yes No

Experience a panic attack, during which you suddenly are overcome by intense fear or discomfort, including any of these symptoms:

Pounding heart

Yes No

Sweating

Yes No

Trembling or shaking

Yes No

Choking

Yes No

Chest pain

Yes No

Nausea or abdominal discomfort

Yes No

"Jelly" legs

Yes No

Dizziness

Yes No

Feelings of unreality or being detached from yourself

Yes No

Fear of losing control or "going crazy"

Yes No

Fear of dying

Yes No

Numbness or tingling sensations

Yes No

Chills or hot flushes

Yes No

go to great lengths to avoid participating?

Yes No

have your symptoms interfere with your daily life?

Yes No

3. Having more than one illness at the same time can make it difficult to diagnose and treat the different conditions. Depression and substance abuse are among the conditions that occasionally complicate social anxiety disorder.

Have you experienced changes in sleeping or eating habits?

Yes No

4. More days than not, do you feel...

Sad or depressed?

Yes No

Disinterested in life?

Yes No

Worthless or guilty?

5. During the last year, has the use of alcohol or drugs...

Resulted in your failure to fulfill responsibilities with work, school, or family?

Yes No

Placed you in a dangerous situation, such as driving a car under the influence?

Yes No

Gotten you arrested?

Yes No

continued despite causing problems for you or your loved ones?

Yes No

Social Anxiety Test Scoring

Sections one and two of this social phobia test are designed to screen for social anxiety disorder and panic attacks. The more you answered yes in these sections, the more likely it is you have social anxiety or social anxiety disorder.

Sections three, four and five are designed to screen for additional mental illnesses that commonly occur with social anxiety, such as substance abuse or depression. The more you answered yes in these sections, the more likely it is you have an illness in addition to social anxiety.

If social anxiety, social phobia or any other illness is a concern, take this social anxiety disorder test, along with your answers, to a licensed professional like your doctor or a psychiatrist. Only a health care or mental health professional can make a mental illness diagnosis.

See Also

• Social Anxiety, Social Phobia Treatment That Works
• Social Anxiety, Social Phobia Treatment That Works
• Where to Find Social Anxiety Support
• I Need Mental Help: Where to Find Mental Health Help

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These are all the adult ADHD articles on the HealthyPlace website. These articles on adult ADHD are designed to give you a good working understanding of the condition.

• What Is Adult ADHD? Adult Attention Deficit Disorder
• Adult ADD, ADHD Symptoms and Their Impact
• ADD Test: Take Free Online ADHD Test
• Adult ADHD Help: Where to Get Help for Adult ADD
• Finding Adult ADHD Doctors Who Know How to Treat Adult ADHD
• Adult ADD, ADHD Testing and Diagnosis
• Treatment of Adult ADHD
• ADHD Drugs and How ADHD Drug Treatment Helps ADHD Adults
• Adult ADHD Therapy - Could It Help You?
• Do Adult ADHD Natural Treatments, Natural Remedies Work?
• ADD and Relationships: How Adult ADHD Affects Relationships
• Managing Adult ADD, ADHD at Work
• ADHD Coaching: How Can ADD, ADHD Coaches Help You?
• Adult ADHD Support

Go here for all articles on ADHD children. or here is a list of all ADD, ADHD articles

Family Rejection of LGBTQIA+ Teenager

When family rejects their LGBTQIA+ teen, there's a higher likelihood that LGBTQIA+ teen will face mental health problems later in life. And if the LGBTQIA+ teen already has a mental health problem, it could get worse.

Support is very important for everyone going through their teen years, a key phase of a child's development. A lack of family support can have a negative impact on that child. Add in that the teen is gay or lesbian and that they have a mental illness, and this lack of support increases the chances of greater psychological problems, including a possible suicide attempt. Homosexuality and suicide (LGBTQIA+ suicide) is a serious issue.

In a study done with 224 LGBTQIA+ adults, it was found that:

• Teenagers that were rejected by their family were
  • 8 times as likely to attempt suicide
  • 6 times as likely to report serious depression
  • 3 times as likely to have unprotected sex
  • 3 times as likely to use drugs

• Gay Latinos were more likely to get less or poor support from their parents and they had the highest rates of risk factors for HIV and mental health problems.

Although this doesn't prove that a family's poor reaction to a child's sexuality causes problems later in life, social worker, Caitlin Ryan, MSW, the study's lead author says:

"There's a connection between how families treat gay and lesbian children and their mental and physical health."

Parents who disapprove of homosexuality on religious grounds may be well-intentioned and may attempt to change their child's sexual orientation or gender identity by:

• forbidding them from spending time with a gay friend or friends
• not allowing them information about what it's like to be LGBTQIA+
• try to put them in gay conversion therapy

These actions will not affect the child's sexual orientation or gender identity and it deprives the child of finding gay support, LGBTQIA+ help and education from other sources like peers and LGBTQIA+ organizations.

Ryan's recommendation is a controversial one, as she suggests that pediatricians ask their young patients whether they have experienced any family problems related to their sexual orientation. Ryan says that children have been coming out at younger ages and having support is crucial to their mental health.

article references

• LGBTQIA+ and Mental Health Issues
• LGBTQIA+ Youth and Mental Health Concerns
• When Family Rejects Their LGBTQIA+ Teen
• Homosexuals and Depression: Help for Gays with Depression
• Homosexuality and Suicide: LGBTQIA+ Suicide – A Serious Issue
• Gay and Lesbian Suicide: Options to Cope
• Facing Gay Discrimination, Stigma Day After Day
• When LGBTQIA+ Discrimination, Stigma Affects Your Mental Health
• Gay Support: Where to Find LGBT Help and Support Groups

Coming out lesbian is a process which must begin with first admitting that you are lesbian and comfortable with that chosen identity. Some people choose to come out to only a few people, and sometimes not at all, as well as keeping it a secret from their family. Coming out lesbian involves more than just mentioning it to a friend, parent, or other relative and then never mentioning it again. It is a process of incorporating your sexuality into your identity so that it becomes a part of who you are.

Coming Out Lesbian Later in Life

This process of coming out lesbian can be difficult for women who do it later in life because they have already developed a lifestyle and identity separate from their lesbianism. These women must first let go of their heterosexual identity and then build a new lesbian identity. Any lesbian who chooses to create harmful ways to cope with the suppression of their sexuality can have an incredibly hard time with the coming out process. Maybe they have fantasized about being lesbians but kept it separate from the rest of their lives. This may take some time to incorporate. When a woman comes out in her adolescence, their lesbianism is incorporated into their identity from the beginning. This is why coming out later in life has sometimes been described as going through a second adolescence.

Find Coming Out Support

A negative response to your coming out lesbian can lead you to going back into the closet. While this may seem appropriate at the time, it is important to keep going. Be ready for negative reactions and understand that not everyone will react favorably to your decision.

Before coming out, you may want to contact a local helpline or support group that may give you coming out advice from their own experiences and give you the confidence you need to go forward. This, too, can be stressful because this may be the first time you have admitted to anyone that you are a lesbian. Remember, the people you are talking to have been in the very same situation before, so use their guidance as a tool.

You may want to come out lesbian to the people you think might be supportive first. The more positive reactions you receive initially, the better for your self-confidence and the more likely you will be to come out to more people.

Coming Out Lesbian to Parents

When you tell your parents that you're a lesbian, they may be shocked and may not totally understand your decision. Because of this, it may be wise to contact a parental support group first and have information ready for them if they feel they may need to talk to other parents in the same situation.

Coming out as a lesbian is a life-long process and may not be easy depending on your situation. Just remember that you are not the only one who has gone through this situation and there is help available should you feel that you need it. You may need to undo the internalizing of yourself that has gone on for quite some time. Just remember to stay positive and that this process does not happen overnight.

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Common Questions Lesbians Have About Sexual Health

If I am not having sex with men, why do I need to see a doctor?

Some lesbians feel that because they are not having sex with men they are at a low risk of getting a STD, and do not need gynecologic care.

Every woman, regardless of their sexual orientation and gender identification should have:

• Routine physicals
• Pap Smears
• STD testing and counseling as necessary

The assumption that same-sex relationships are not at risk is completely false, and you should continue to see a health care provider for check-ups.

Am I at risk for STDs even if I have sex with only women?

Whether heterosexual or homosexual, the practice of safe sex is very important in order to lower your chances of getting an STD. A sexually transmitted disease is an infection which is generally passed through sexual and sometimes non-sexual contact with an infected person. Anyone can become infected, even a woman in a same-sex relationship where neither have ever had sex with a man.

STDs are spread through:

• contact with infected body fluids, such as blood (including menstrual blood)
• vaginal fluids
• semen
• discharge from a sore caused by an STD
• contact with infected skin or mucous membrane, and through vaginal, anal, and oral sex can also be means of spreading an STD.

How do I lower my risks of getting an STD?

Some ways to connect with another woman and keep a low risk of an STD could include:

• hugging
• (dry) kissing
• masturbation/mutual masturbation
• giving each other a massage.

It would be wise to use an oral barrier such as "dental dam" if you are going to be in contact with your partner's vaginal fluids. An oral barrier is a thin plastic or latex protection used to cover parts of the body and prevent contact with bodily fluids.

Latex gloves, condoms, or finger sheaths can protect against transmission of STDs through sores or cuts/hangnails on fingers when having finger play or digital penetration.

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