• What is Gay? Definition and Meaning of Gay
• Why Are People Gay? Gay By Choice or Is Being Gay Genetic?
• Am I Gay? How do You Know if You Are Gay?
• Am I Gay Test of Quiz: Really?
• How Do I Know If I Am Gay? Signs You Are Gay
• Is My Husband Gay? Signs of a Gay Husband
• Coming Out Gay Step-By-Step
• Coming Out Gay To Your Doctor
• Gay Therapy, Gay Therapists, Gay Treatment
• Gay Conversion Therapy – Real or Hoax?
• Top 5 Myths About Gay Men
• Gay Discrimination and Stigma and How to Cope
• Internalized Homophobia: Homophobia Within
• Gay Bullying, Gay Bullies and Dealing with Gay Bashing
• Gay Support, Gay Support Groups, Gay Support Organizations
• Gay Mental Health: Mental Health Issues Facing Gay Men
• Gay Suicide
• Parents of Gay Children and the Issues they Face

Some people wonder, "Am I gay?" and "How do you know if you are gay?" and sometimes they follow this up by taking something like an "Am I Gay Quiz" that might be found online. But are "Am I Gay?" quizzes of any value? Is an "Am I Gay?" test accurate?

Am I Gay Test

In the 1950s and 1960s, anti-gay sentiment was rampant (read: Gay Discrimination and Stigma and How to Cope) and a "homosexuality test" was developed in Canada. During this test, subjects were made to view images ranging from innocuous to pornographic while their pupil size was recorded. It was thought that the pupils would dilate (get larger) in response to sexual interest in the image shown.¹

Funding for this test ended in the 1960s when it became clear that this test was scientifically inaccurate and based on faulty premises. Of the many problems with the test was the assumption that there were only two possible sexualities (heterosexual and homosexual) and that pupil dilation would, indeed, vary in heterosexual and homosexual populations.

It has since been recognized that there is no test that can ascertain a person's sexuality.

Am I Gay – Gay Rating Scales

One of the reasons there is no "Am I Gay?" test is because it is now recognized that there are many options for sexuality outside of just heterosexual and homosexual. In 1948, in fact, a rating scale, The Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale (often known as The Kinsey Scale), was developed by Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues Wardell Pomeroy and Clyde Martin. This gay rating scale put people into the following categories:²

• 0 – Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
• 1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
• 2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
• 3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual
• 4 – Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
• 5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
• 6 – Exclusively homosexual

Rather than identifying people's sexuality, however, this rating scale was purely based on self-evaluation and people's ratings may change over time. There was never intended to be any such thing as an "Am I Gay? Test" for this rating scale.

Am I Gay? Quizzes Online

Unfortunately, many people take "Am I Gay?" quizzes online and think the results are accurate. This is not true. There is no way to measure a person's sexuality and only an individual can determine whether or not they identify as gay and what that means to them.

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Particularly when young, some people may ask, "How do I know if I am gay?" if they have conflicting sexual feelings. When it comes down to it, there is no reliable "Am I Gay test", so the only way to know that you are gay (definition of gay) is to look within yourself to determine your own thoughts and feelings towards others of the same sex. You might also want to consider the possibility that you are neither gay nor straight and are bisexual or just curious.

There are also signs that you might be gay to consider.

Signs You Are Gay

There is no one way that gay people act or look – gay people are just as diverse as straight people. Just because you are a man who is effeminate or a woman who is boyish, that does not mean that you're necessarily gay. So don't fall into the trap of thinking that your clothes, hair or attitude determines your sexuality.

When looking at the signs you are gay, you might want to ask yourself these questions:¹

• Have I ever been sexually attracted to the same sex?
• Do I feel strong emotional bonds to the same sex?
• Am I physically attracted to the same sex?
• Have I considered having a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex?
• Have I had sexual same-sex experiences in the past?

The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as an "enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, or affectional" attraction toward another person. Do you think how you feel about the same sex matches that definition?

Dealing with Signs You Might Be Gay

In all, it's best to experiment with your sexuality and consider what you feel like when with a woman or when with a man. These feelings may give you signs that you are gay.

But take your time. There is no need to rush into a decision or tell anyone about your exploration or come out gay. Clarity often comes with time, so give yourself a chance to fully discover your sexuality. And if it does turn out that you are gay, remember that there is nothing wrong with being gay – it is just part of who you are.

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Can you "cure" the gay? The vast majority of the North American society believes that homosexuality is not an illness and thus has no need to be cured. However, some groups, particularly Christian right groups in the United States, say yes, you can "cure the gay" and they offer what is known as gay conversion therapy or gay reparative therapy. The most famous recent example of this is Republican presidential contender, Michelle Bachmann's husband and his ministry, that practices therapy designed to "cure" homosexuality.

Cure the Gay – Is Being Gay an Illness?

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the book which defines psychiatric disorders, homosexuality was, indeed, listed as a disorder until 1973. Its removal as an illness was hotly contested at the time but organizations like the American Psychological Association (APA) are now clear and making statements such as:¹

"Homosexuality is not a mental disorder and the APA opposes all portrayals of lesbian, gay and bisexual people as mentally ill and in need of treatment due to their sexual orientation."

Moreover, genetic causes of homosexuality and biological differences between gay and straight people are being studied, and confirmed, now more than ever.² (read: Why Are People Gay? Gay By Choice or Is Being Gay Genetic?)

Cure the Gay – What is Gay Conversion Therapy?

Gay conversion therapy, also known as gay reparative therapy, typically uses prayer, counseling or both in an attempt to help people change their sexual orientation. Some licensed professionals practice gay conversion therapy and the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, led by psychologist Joseph Nicolosi, claim that gays suffer from:³

• Childhood trauma
• Shaming in their families of origin
• Chronic unmet needs for love and affection by their same-sex parent

Does Gay Conversion Therapy Work?

There is little to no evidence that gay conversion therapy, or "gay cure therapies," work. In fact, the American Psychological Association reviewed 83 studies on gay cures and determined that there was little evidence to support the changing of a person's sexual orientation. What little evidence there is suggests that success is limited to:

• Convincing bisexual people to limit their sexual activities to members of the opposite sex
• Convincing homosexual people to become celibate
• Convincing gay men and lesbian women to attempt to maintain heterosexual relationships, whilst retaining their homosexual orientation

In one case, two founders of a major conversion program, Exodus International, were quoted as saying that the program was, "ineffective . . . not one person was healed." The two male founders fell in love and were united in a union ceremony.⁴

Professional organizations such as the National Association of Social Workers and the American Psychiatric Association have come out saying that gay reparative therapy is unethical and its practitioners risk censure or loss of license. The American Psychological Association study also showed that therapy attempting to change a person's sexual orientation could cause depression and suicidal tendencies among patients. The American Psychological Association voted to repudiate reparative therapy by a vote of 125 to 4 in 2009.⁵

At this point in time, there is no real clinical evidence that anyone can cure the gay. If you are asking yourself questions such as "Am I gay or not?" or you're having difficulty coming to terms with being gay, you might consider gay therapy or joining one of the many gay support groups that meet in person or online.

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Homophobia is fear of, or hostility towards, homosexuality and internalized homophobia is the presence of these feelings within oneself. Put another way, internal homophobia (also known as internalized sexual stigma) is the endorsement of sexual stigma as a part of someone's core values. Internalized homophobia can be experienced by any non-heterosexual, including bisexuals.

Homophobia, gay discrimination and stigma, is commonly seen in certain segments of the population and can be seen in acts of homosexual discrimination, teasing, gay bullying, gay bashing, anti-gay joking and in negative attitudes towards those who are not heterosexual. Internalized homophobia is harder to see because it exists within a person who is gay.

It's critical to positively deal with internalized homophobia as its presence can prevent people from seeking appropriate healthcare, having intimate partners and living full and happy lives, and increase their risk of developing mental illness such as a substance use or an eating disorder.¹

Examples of Internalized Homophobia

Several instruments have been developed to measure internal homophobia including the IHP scale developed by Laura Dean. This scale asks people to agree or disagree with statements such as:²

• I have tried to stop being attracted to the same sex in general.
• If someone offered me the chance to be completely heterosexual, I would accept the chance.
• I wish I weren't gay/lesbian/bisexual.
• I feel that being gay/lesbian/bisexual is a personal shortcoming for me.
• I would like to get professional help in order to change my sexual orientation to straight.
• I have tried to become more sexually attracted to the opposite sex.
• I often feel it best to avoid personal or social involvement with other gay/lesbian/bisexuals.
• I feel alienated from myself because of being gay/lesbian/bisexual.
• I wish that I could develop more erotic feelings about the opposite sex.

Agreement to any of these statements indicates internalized homophobia.

In one study done using the IHP scale, it was found that lesbians had the least internalized homophobia followed by homosexual men, then bisexual women. Bisexual men showed the greatest amount of internal homophobia.

Dealing with Internal Homophobia

There are many ways to overcome internal homophobia but the most important step is recognizing it exists. Once you understand that you feel internalized stigma, you can work to fight it.

It's critical to realize that internalized homophobia is a result of cultural programming that espouses negative views against homosexuality. But you don't have to believe in these negative stereotypes. You have to realize that being homosexual is, at least in part, genetic – absolutely not an illness – and that you didn't ask to be this way and you can't control it any more than you can control the color of your eyes.³

"Coming out gay" is also a way of overcoming internal homophobia. By telling someone supportive of your sexuality, you can find external validation about who you are and what you're going through.

Finally, if the idea of dealing with internal homophobia is simply too distressing, professional help is always available. Openly gay or gay-positive therapists can help you work through the feelings of internalized homophobia and create the positive self-worth that you deserve.

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Gay suicide, particularly among youth, is a shocking problem. In fact, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth are four times more likely (and questioning youth three times more likely) to attempt suicide than their straight peers. (comprehensive suicide information and suicide hotline numbers) It's also known that even among adults, homosexuals are at greater risk for depression, anxiety disorder, substance abuse disorders and suicide.¹ (info on gay mental health) Gay suicides hit every location, every stratum of society and affect us all.

Gay Suicide Statistics

Gay suicide statistics paint a bleak picture of gay suicide. While suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in ages 10-24 and accounts for 12.2% of deaths in that age range, gay suicide statistics are even more severe. Gay suicide statistics include:²

• Suicide attempts by lesbian, gay or bisexual youth and questioning youth are four-to-six times more likely to result in injury, poisoning, or overdose that requires treatment from a doctor or nurse, compared to their straight peers.
• Lesbian, gay or bisexual youth who come from highly rejecting families are up to 8 times as likely to have attempted suicide as lesbian, gay or bisexual peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.
• Nearly half of young transgender people have seriously thought about taking their lives and one-quarter report having made a suicide attempt.

Turning the Tide on Gay Suicide

But several initiatives are at work to stem the tide of gay suicides.

The Trevor Project was started in 1998 by filmmakers James Lecesne, Peggy Rajski and Randy Stone who created the Academy Award-winning film Trevor, about a bullied, gay youth. When airing their film they realized that gay youth going through a crisis had no lifeline to call and they decided to address this with the Trevor Project which has gone on to become, "the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth."

The Trevor Project has fielded more than 200,000 calls, has more than 600 active volunteers and over 200 lifeline counselors. There's no telling how many gay suicides this lifeline has prevented.

• Reach the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Another project working to prevent gay suicides is the It Gets Better Project. The It Gets Better Project was started in 2010 by columnist Dan Savage in an attempt to inspire hope to all those young people facing harassment.

"The It Gets Better Project was created to show young LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] people the levels of happiness, potential, and positivity their lives will reach – if they can just get through their teen years."

The It Gets Better Project has inspired more than 50,000 user-created videos viewed more than 50 million times with additions from famous faces like President Barak Obama, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, Colin Farrell, Tim Gunn, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Visit the It Gets Better Project to support the prevention of gay suicides here: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/.

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Articles About Bisexuality

• What is Bisexual? What Does It Mean To Be Bisexual?
• Am I Bisexual?
• Top Myths about Bisexuality
• Are Bisexuals Equally Attracted to Men and Women?
• Coming Out as Bisexual
• What is Biphobia?

Self-Recognition as Gay First Step in Coming Out

Accepting your sexuality involves more than just the realization of feelings towards the same sex and generally, there are stages to coming out. It often involves a period of denial, rejection of feelings, anxiety, counseling and maybe even a renewed religious commitment in order to overcome these feelings. Hopefully, a period of acceptance will follow these feelings of stress and grief.

The process of accepting one's sexuality, for some people, has been described as an emotional rollercoaster. This rollercoaster is characterized with periods of highs filled with confidence and a desire to come out of the closet, followed by periods of lows filled with confusion and fear. You are not alone in this process. You should speak with someone who has gone through the stages of coming out before and understands your feelings.

Telling Others You Are Gay

While coming out and talking about being gay to others is a slow process, it generally starts with a close friend or family member. Rejection by this person may cause a backlash to the self-recognition stage of coming out (the coming out stage wherein you recognize you are gay); however, acceptance by this person generally leads to an increase in self-esteem and confidence. Be very careful about who you tell first so this is a positive experience.

There are generally two types of disclosures, a "gentle" disclosure and a "loud" disclosure:

• The "gentle" method does not immediately volunteer the information until the individual is flat-out asked.
• The "loud" disclosure involves telling everyone in order to leave no doubt about the issue.

As this stage of coming out continues, the individual gains a general sense of what it means to be gay and chooses to either accept or reject different stereotypes and perceptions regarding gays.

Socialization with Other Gays

Socialization with other gays is important when accepting your sexuality in that it gives a sense of inclusion to a new world, erasing feelings of loneliness. Pride and self-esteem are built through acceptance, validation and support. Contact with positive gay and lesbian role models can be very influential and beneficial.

Positive Self-Identification

This stage of coming out is simply about seeking out other positive homosexual relationships and finding a comfort level with oneself regarding your sexuality.

Integration and Acceptance

This requires openness and acceptance of your own sexuality. Even if you are quietly open regarding your homosexuality, you can still be readily available to help support others with their struggles. In general, at this stage of coming out, couples live happily and seek other couples to socialize with.

Openness is often tied to age. While older people may be less open and more set in their ways, younger men are more often more open, politically active and visible in the gay community.

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There are many things to consider before coming out to your parents. Although most parents do not react in a negative fashion, you must be prepared for the worst-case scenario. For instance, if you are living with your parents and they kick you out, there needs to be some kind of back-up plan in place after coming out to your parents. (read: When Family Rejects Their LGBTQIA+ Teen)

If you are financially dependent on your family or are planning for them to pay for college, you may want to have an idea of their reaction. If you think that coming out to your parents will jeopardize these things, you may want to seriously consider your options.

People who are gay need to be certain of themselves, having accepted their sexuality, before coming out to parents. There is no time limit or rush to tell. Coming out of the closet may be difficult at first and doing it at a later point in life may be easier. Reading this article on how to talk about being gay may also be helpful.

You also may want to consider your motives for coming out to your parents. Is it to notify them of an important part of who you are or is it to anger them? Your reasons can have far-reaching effects on your relationships. Never come out in anger, as this may overshadow your message and make things harder to accept. (read: Top 4 Ways Not To Come Out LGBTQIA+)

It may be helpful to tell another family member first; perhaps an aunt, a cousin or a sibling can be of support if one or both of your parents does not take the news well.

The Best Time to Come Out to Your Parents

When coming out to parents, consider the time in which you choose to do it:

• A large amount of uninterrupted time would be best.
• It's also best to avoid the larger holidays, as these days already carry a large amount of stress.
• Do it on a less stressful and less hectic day.

There can be many advantages in face-to-face communication, including being able to judge reactions more accurately. With this in mind, telling your parents in person is recommended above a phone call, letter, email or text message.

It might be easier for your parents if you do not bring your partner for support in coming out. Introductions can be made later, or if they already have met your partner, you can tell them his or her significance at a later date.

When Coming Out to Parents, Have a Plan

It's wise to plan out what you are going to say. You might want to tell a close friend before you tell your parents. It might also be helpful to talk to others who have gone through the process before, so you can get some insights and possibly advice on the dos and don'ts of coming out to parents.

If your parents ask if you are gay, that may be an appropriate time to speak to them. Just by asking, it may mean they are prepared for an answer. Even if you deny it in the heat of the moment, you can use the question as a springboard towards coming out to your parents at a later date.

Be Patient When Coming Out to Parents

You must be patient with your parents and aware that their acceptance is a process which can take some time. Just look at how long it took you to come out. You can't expect everyone to be comfortable with this immediately. Give them time to cope with the news their own way. Whatever methods they use for other stressful situations can be a good insight to how they handle your news.

Although you may be excited and proud of your sexuality, this may not be the case for everyone. Your parents may only see how this could negatively affect them or you, but hopefully, in time, they will come to see how your coming out positive affects you.

This revelation will have a great impact on your life and it's important to consider the possible negative consequences of coming out. While some may accept these changes, others will act differently towards you. Your parents may get angry and, in rare cases, even go so far as disowning you. You must be patient and true to yourself above all, and things can gradually change for the better.

Be Prepared to Answer Questions

Before you come out to your parents, inform yourself on questions you think they might ask. Be sure that they know that it is not something they have done wrong and the only choice that was made was regarding your personal happiness. If they are religious, you may want to familiarize yourself with readings that may bolster your stance. You may even use this as an opportunity to open a dialogue regarding your own belief system, should it be different from theirs.

Some parents may suggest therapy in order to 'cure' you of being gay. The American Psychological Association does not consider homosexuality a mental illness and views therapy to change sexual orientation against a person's will unethical.

Inform your parents that you are happy and adjusted in your life and that you have supportive friends and family. If your parents worry about possible gay stigma and discrimination issues, assure them you are capable of using good judgment in order to avoid bad situations.

Be Ready to Offer Support Sources When Coming Out to Parents

In case your parents may need to talk with someone, you may want to have a local PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) number, brochure or website on hand. If they are not accepting at first, they may change and come around.

If there are people that you would rather not know about your decision, it is important to tell your parents to be discreet; they may unknowingly tell someone that you would rather they not.

If you decide to get involved with the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community, it may be unrealistic to expect friends and family to take part right away. There is no need to take this personally; it may just take time to for them to accept the news.

Breathe! Coming Out to Your Parents is Done

Congratulations! You have done it, you have come out to your parents, so give your loved ones time and do something nice for yourself. Take a bath, meet some friends, see a movie; if you want to be around other gays and lesbians go to a gay bar, coffee house or support group. Congratulations, you did it!

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When coming out and telling others you are gay, LGBTQIA+, remember, it is not a race. That's why there are stages to coming out. And while there is no one way of coming out, there are pitfalls that can be avoided in order to minimize any pain or drama. Consider these ways you shouldn't come out.

1. Don't Come Out in Anger

Actions out of anger are generally irrational. Coming out in an argument may make the situation worse, as emotionally charged situations can be unpredictable. The point can get lost and the argument can stray to other issues. If you come out in a calm environment, you can keep control of the situation, get your feelings across, and maintain an aura of respect.

2. Don't Come Out in Revenge

Your sexual orientation is yours alone and should be disclosed under your terms. To invite negativity and conflict into your decision is a waste of time. If you know someone is homophobic, allow them to live in their own reality. Let them see your happiness and do not allow them to bring you down.

3. Don't Come Out Through a Third Party

While coming out through a third party may seem to be easier, it's rarely a good idea. Facts and points can get exaggerated, belittled or even skipped from person to person. These things can lead to gossip, which is why a loved one should hear that you're gay directly from you. (If you need ideas on how to talk about being gay, read this.) Time, energy, and emotion can be wasted with rumors; this can be skipped with a face-to-face meeting or even a personal letter.

4. Don't Come Out When You're Not Ready

Coming out is a decision that should be made by you and for you. There is no strict age or set of circumstances that dictate when you should come out. Even if others find out before you are ready to tell them, let your feelings dictate how much you are ready to talk about. If you slowly tell people, one by one, those who truly care about you will stick by your side.

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