Domestic violence in lesbian relationships does exist, just as in any kind of relationship. If you're in a lesbian relationship and would like to know if you are being abusive or violent towards your same-sex partner, answer the questions below to find out.

• Do you physically hurt your partner in any way, including hitting, punching, pulling hair, biting, etc.?
• Do you say things to your partner to scare her?
• Do you try to control your partner's activities, like seeing her family or friends?
• Have you threatened your partner with hurting yourself, a beloved pet or her if she ever leaves you?
• Do you ever put your partner down or try to make her feel bad about herself?
• Have you ever forced your partner to do something sexually she did not want to do or have sex when she did not want to?
• Do you take control of your partner's money and make her account for everything she spends?
• Have you threatened to out her to her family or boss to get her to stay with you or to do something you want her to do?
• Have you monitored her phone calls or phone bills or read her email or mail?
• Have you humiliated your partner in front of friends or colleagues?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be abusing your partner.

Who Abuses Their Partner?

There is no one set type of person who abuses another, although generally, low self-esteem is present. Most domestic abusers, perpetrators of domestic violence, get their sense of identity through their partner; because of this, an abuser will react with violence if they feel as if they are going to lose their partner.

Most of these people are not abusive at work or other areas of their lives, but with their victim can go from loving to furious from one minute to the next. Generally the perpetrator, right after a beating, will comfort and console the victim, almost as if to save the victim from the abuse. Gifts and promises to never do it again are almost sure follow, however, without proper help the abuse will happen again. This is called the cycle of abuse.

What Can You Do If You Are Being Violent to Your Partner?

The only person that can stop the cycle of violence is you. If you are serious about putting an end to the abuse, seek counseling. Couples counseling is not what is needed. You need individual attention to find the source of the anger as well as to help you learn how to be in a healthy relationship. Hopefully, in time, you can come to see your partner as an equal and develop a healthy relationship.

A lack of programs specifically designed for lesbians who batter is not an excuse to continue this behavior. Take some time to call your county psychological association for a referral and seek programs to help stop the abuse. (Batterers Intervention: Help for Batterers)

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Myths about lesbian relationships and domestic violence abound, just like myths about lesbians themselves. We've outlined these myths about lesbians and domestic violence but the important thing to remember is that any type of domestic violence is wrong, whether you're in a lesbian relationship or not.

Myths About Lesbians and Domestic Violence

• Domestic violence cannot exist in a lesbian relationship because both partners are women
• Only the "butch" partner can be abusive
• Since both partners are of the same sex, it must be mutually abusive or simply "fighting"
• A physically smaller partner cannot abuse a larger partner
• S/M is abuse and domestic violence
• If the aggressor only attacks under the influence, drugs and alcohol are to blame
• Victims of lesbian domestic violence have no place to go for help (Where to get domestic abuse help)
• It is only violence if the abuser hits the victim, not if she only threatens and puts the victim down

Facts About Domestic Violence

• Domestic violence can occur in any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation
• Mutual fighting is not considered domestic violence, domestic violence occurs when there is one clear victim
• Drugs and alcohol do not cause domestic violence, even if the abuser is under the influence at the time of the abuse, it can be a catalyst, but not the root cause
• 1 in 3 women will be assaulted by an intimate partner in their lifetime (30-50% of all women)
• 30% of LGBT couples experience domestic violence
• 3 out of 4 women murdered are done so by their partners
• Acts of domestic violence occur once every 15 to 18 seconds in the United States
• 30% of all hospital emergency room admissions are female victims of domestic violence
• Of the six million American women beaten each year, four thousand are killed
• Domestic violence results in the death of eleven women per day

Barriers for Lesbian Survivors of Domestic Violence

• A large barrier facing lesbian victims of abuse is the police or service agencies inability to determine who the actual victim is. Often times, the abuser will call the authorities in order to further control the victim.
• The inability of the authorities to understand that same-sex couple domestic violence exists
• Although domestic violence organizations are bound by confidentiality agreements, some victims are afraid others will find out about their LGBT lifestyle, their abusive relationship, or both.
• Some victims face homophobia in social service agencies and shelters

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Domestic violence occurs in lesbian relationships, just as it does in heterosexual relationships. Yes, lesbians can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Statistics show that 30% of couples struggle with some type of domestic violence and that it is just as prevalent in homosexual relationships.

Domestic abuse can come in different forms such as physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, social abuse, and stalking.

Lesbian Relationships and Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is defined as the physical, emotional, or sexual violence by one partner towards another in order to control them. Domestic violence is about power and control. One partner in the lesbian relationship uses intimidation and control tactics to gain power in the relationship.

The Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of violence and abuse works like this. Initially, the relationship goes great, with the abusive partner displaying no abusive tendencies. In fact, she may appear to be an extremely loving and generous person.

Tension Building Stage: This stage may last a while and begin with minor incidents. It may start with some yelling or throwing of things, and the victim trying to stay out of the way.

Battering Stage: This is where the tension breaks, leading to the act of violence itself. However, couples do not constantly live in this stage. The domestic violence victim in the lesbian relationship can try to hide and lie about this abuse or look for help from police, friends, or domestic violence services.

Honeymoon Stage: Here, the abuser seeks to "rescue" the victim from the abuse. Promising never to act that way again, possibly buying gifts and lavishing attention onto the victim. The victim may feel this was a one-time act and choose to forgive the abuser.

If you are in a lesbian relationship and experiencing domestic violence, there is never any excuse for purposefully hurting another person - physically or emotionally. That type of behavior should never be tolerated and should be reported to the police. All articles on domestic violence and information on where to get help are here.

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Not only do kids from lesbian parents do fine, studies seem to indicate that they may actually be better adjusted when compared to teens of the same age.

Dr. Nanette Gartrell, the Williams Distinguished Scholar at the University of California Los Angeles School of Law, helped conduct a nearly twenty-year study which followed seventy-eight teens since their lesbian mothers were planning their pregnancies. The findings go against what some opponents of gay or lesbian parents have been saying, as it found these children "demonstrate healthy psychological adjustment."

Study: Children of Lesbian Parents

"One of the things that opponents of the equalities of gays and lesbians—in marriage, parenting, adoption, and foster care—often bring up is the so-called gold standard of parenting, which defined by them is the traditional family where children are conceived in traditional ways and not through insemination or surrogates. But, when we compared the adolescents in our study to the so-called gold standard, we found the teens with lesbian mothers were actually doing better," said Gartrell.

As for the reasons behind the findings, Gartrell speculates that "moms in the lesbian family are very committed, very involved parents." Gartrell said she would expect to find similar findings with children of gay male parents. "Gay male parents are another group of very committed parents, and really (among gay male couples) only economically privileged gay men have access to the opportunity to become parents right now," she says.

Gartrell goes on to point out that just over four in ten of the teens who were raised by lesbian parents reported being stigmatized at some point due to their parent's sexual orientation. Even with that, the study found no significant psychological difference in these children of lesbian parents compared to those who had not been stigmatized.

"These young people seem to have done very well; they have some resilience," she says. "The outcomes here were very clear. These are families in which the mothers were very committed, involved and loving. The seventeen-year-old adolescents are healthy, happy, and high-functioning," says Gartrell.

Lesbian Parents Can Be Good Parents Too

Between 1986 and 1992, Gartrell and her colleague, Henry Bos, recruited 154 prospective lesbian mothers who were considering artificial insemination or already pregnant.

As the children were growing, the researchers would periodically check on them with questionnaires taken by seventy-eight children at ten years of age and again at seventeen. The researchers also conducted interviews with one of the child's mothers to grasp the psychological well-being of the child.

When these results were compared to a group of kids of the same age coming from traditional families, the teens coming from lesbian parents rated significantly higher in social and total competence. Teens of lesbian parents also rated much lower in social problems, rule-breaking, and aggressive behavior. Further, even in situations where the parents had split up the study showed those teens to do better than teens of traditional families.

Gartrell's findings were published in the July 2010 issue of Pediatrics.

One professional not surprised by these findings was family therapist Andrew Roffman, of the New York University Langone Medical Center.

"Good parenting makes for healthier children, regardless of your sexual orientation. Whether you're gay, straight, or lesbian, good parenting is good parenting," says Roffman.

Roffman believes that a lot of this has to do with preparation, and lesbian parents anticipating the child's experiences and talking with them about various scenarios. (For Lesbian Parents: Coming Out to Your Children)

Roffman believes that "probably the most effective thing to do is to prepare kids ahead of time. Let them know that there still is cultural stigma and discrimination against gays and that they may encounter children and adults who are insensitive." Roffman goes on to add that "having these kinds of talks is relationship building for both parents and children."

Sources:

Nanette Gartrell, M.D., Williams Distinguished Scholar, University of California, Los Angeles, School of Law; Andrew Roffman, L.C.S.W., family therapist, clinical assistant professor, New York University Langone Medical Center, New York City; July 2010 Pediatrics

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As a lesbian parent, you may want to come out to your children at some point, regardless of whether the child came through a previous heterosexual marriage, was adopted as a single mother or with a lesbian partner.

As a parent, your primary concern is with your child's safety. At some point, you may be asked about the father or who the mother is and the answer to these kinds of questions could have an impact on your child. This is something to definitely take into account.

As far as location and method to inform your child, that is a very personal decision but you should consider the risks and benefits of this decision.

Benefits of Coming Out To Your Children

As a lesbian parent, should you come out to your children? Here are the benefits to consider.

Honesty: Children generally model the behavior of their parents, so it is important to be honest with them. If your children see that you can be honest over such a difficult topic, they may, in turn, be more honest with issues in their life.

Pride: Throughout their upbringing, children will be exposed to many negative feelings towards homosexuality, maybe through jokes, television or movies. You could be the positive image of homosexuality for them and show them that homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. (Top 10 Myths About Lesbians)

Risks of Coming Out To Your Children

Lesbian parents do face risks in coming out to their children.

Custody: There is an unfortunate reality in our legal system which makes the risk of losing a child in a custody battle over sexual preference a very real danger. If you think your sexual preference may jeopardize your standing in court, it may be wise to not come out at this time.

Partner: It is natural for a child to hold some type of resentment to the parents' new partners. This is natural and is something you may want to prepare yourself for. Think about how to handle the situation. There could be an increased level of tension because of the new same-sex partner.

Homophobia: As any homosexual must deal with, homophobia is an issue your child will have to deal with as well. If you do choose to come out, help your children realize they may have to deal with some taunting. The children need to realize that they have done nothing wrong but must deal with the ignorance of others.

(Related story on coming out lesbian here.)

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Here are myths regarding lesbians. We're also providing accurate information under each myth about lesbians. Just as with any group of people, preconceived notions exist about lesbians and are generally incorrect.

Myths About Lesbians

1. All lesbians hate men.

Fact: It's a myth that all lesbians hate men. The fact that a woman is sexually and emotionally attracted to another woman has absolutely nothing to do with men. Most lesbians carry on long-lasting and emotionally satisfying friendships with men.

2. Some lesbians want to be men.

Fact: Lesbians who appear more masculine do so for fashion or comfort. There is a wide variety of gender expression in both men and women regardless of sexual orientation. A person seeking to change their sex is called a transsexual.

3. You can't know if you are a lesbian unless you sleep with a woman.

Fact: This myth about lesbains is simply untrue. You do not have to sleep with someone in order to know you are attracted to them. The same holds true for heterosexuals. Discovering your sexuality is not about sleeping with someone.

4. Lesbians are attracted to all women.

Fact: If a person is attracted to one specific gender this does not mean that they are attracted to all members of that gender. This is true for both men and women, regardless of which gender they are attracted to.

5. Being a lesbian is a choice and can be changed.

More and more studies are finding that sexual orientation is not something chosen, rather it's an inborn trait found in most animal species. There is plenty of evidence that therapy and counseling to "make someone straight" is ineffective.

6. Lesbian relationships are all about sex.

Fact: Sex is an important aspect of any healthy relationship, but not the only aspect. Lesbians connect on an emotional and spiritual level, and like heterosexual couples can choose whether or not to have families and children. (Kids with Lesbian Parents Do Just Fine) Sex has nothing to do with this aspect of the relationship. (Info on lesbian sexual health)

7. Lesbians just haven't met the right man yet.

Lesbianism has nothing to do with men, many lesbians have not met the right woman yet, but again it has nothing to do with men.

8. You can tell a lesbian by how she looks.

Fact: Some homosexuals claim to have what is referred to as "gaydar". This is nothing more than an intuition regarding another persons' sexuality. Based on the fact that some people are still in the closet, there is really no way to know this.

9. One lesbian in the relationship has to be "the man".

Fact: While there are lesbian couples that are butch/femme, both partners are clearly women. Butch/femme is not the only kind of relationship for lesbians, but most women may prefer no kind of labeling at all as this generalizes them.

10. Lesbians can't be spiritual.

Fact: While some denominations consider homosexuality a sin, there are many faiths and churches that accept all humans regardless of any differences. Spirituality is a personal belief system that has nothing to do with organized practices or sexual preferences.

These myths about lesbians are just that - myths. As with any genre of myths, there's the appearance of truth and so some people believe them. Now that you have the facts about these lesbian myths, you can debunk them the next time you hear someone repeat them.

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I Think I Am a Lesbian...

...but I've never had sex with a girl. This is okay, most straight people do not rush into having sex in order to confirm their sexuality, they just know. Just take your time and do what is both natural and comfortable.

What Percentage of the Population is Lesbian?

It's estimated that about ten percent of the population is homosexual, although specific numbers are hard to find. Since no census of homosexuals exists, and we would not be able to confirm the accuracy of any census due to people still in the closet anyways, it is just guesswork. Although a study of human sexuality in the 1950s found that most people are attracted to both sexes to some degree.

Is Lesbianism Normal?

Being a lesbian is normal for lesbians. If it is normal for you is a question that only you can answer, and a question you must answer.

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A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to another woman; this attraction can be:

• physical
• emotional, or
• sexual

If you are a woman attracted to another woman, you could be:

• a lesbian
• a bisexual
• a straight woman attracted to a friend

Only time can help you in determining which one of these you are.

While the term 'lesbian' is a term some use to describe themselves, others prefer other terms such as 'gay' or 'queer', while others prefer no label at all.

While some women say they knew they were lesbian from a very early age, or at least that they were different, some women do not come out lesbian until their forties, fifties, or even later - even if they have spent time in a heterosexual marriage. Regardless of the circumstances, what is important is taking the time to get to know who you are.

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All Articles About Lesbians

• What is a Lesbian?
• How Do I Know If I'm a Lesbian?
• Top 10 Myths about Lesbians
• Coming Out Lesbian
• For Lesbian Parents: Coming Out to Your Children
• Kids with Lesbian Parents Do Just Fine
• Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships
• Myths and Facts of Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships
• Lesbians, Are You A Perpetrator of Domestic Violence?
• Lesbian Sexual Health

Why You Should Come Out Gay To Your Doctor

Regardless of the comfort level one has in coming out to their doctor, there are specific gay health concerns that need to be focused upon such as, HPV and anal cancer, hepatitis, syphilis, not to mention HIV. Being open with your doctor regarding your lifestyle is an opportunity to open one's own life and makes it easier to assist the doctor in providing a plan to stay healthy. Doctors have a legal and ethical obligation to observe patient confidentiality, so there should be no reason not to be frank with the relevant information.

What If Your Doctor Is Not Gay-Friendly

The purpose in coming out to one's doctor is to provide you with the opportunity to get the best healthcare possible. You should understand that there are some medical professionals who are not gay-friendly. This can cause certain undue stress to the patient. For example, there was a case where an individual came down with a cold and went to their doctor with the expectation of a routine exam. The doctor asked if the person was a homosexual and when the person said "yes", the doctor immediately directed the patient to the nearest HIV clinic. A second opinion confirmed it was nothing but a common cold, but the panic caused was totally unnecessary. This situation is not only unfortunate, but it is also completely unprofessional.

This type of incident does not happen as a general rule. Doctors should be educated enough to know that HIV does not go hand-in-hand with homosexuality. By coming out gay to your doctor early on, you can establish the level of comfort the doctor has with the gay population before the doctor is needed for some kind of emergency.

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