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We all experience cycles or patterns of behavior that we want to change. Those of us who have experienced binge eating disorder (BED), or eating disorders in general, know the pain and frustration that is felt when you are trapped in a cycle of disordered, destructive eating. It is especially frustrating when you try to recover and leave behind your old cycles and patterns and you realize you're still stuck in a binge eating cycle.
I didn't get a say in my birth. My mother and father took the executive decision to procreate without my input, and I landed on the scene in the April of 1985 before I could register any objections. Upon my arrival, the doctors deduced a few things: I was a boy. I was healthy. And, given the amount of wailing and thrashing, I appeared mildly inconvenienced by this whole birth scenario. For nearly 32 years after that, the doctors didn't miss much--except to diagnose me with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Before I knew anything about borderline personality disorder (BPD) or antidepressants, I knew that pharmaceutical drugs were bad. Or, at least that's what I was told growing up. I learned from a young age not to trust therapists or doctors. Doctors wanted to poison your body, and therapists wanted to poison your mind. Why would I think that? Well, because then it would be easier for them to control you.
Something I have found about having chronic anxiety is that this often leads to avoiding triggers, which includes avoiding conflict. For example, you might find it difficult to set boundaries in a relationship, or you might find that you've been putting off having a difficult conversation with your supervisor at work. For me, this might look like walking away from arguments or being as diplomatic as possible in an interaction with someone to avoid some sort of conflict.
Many individuals are familiar with the fight, flight, freeze, or appease response to trauma. However, one thing I have learned after years of exposure to verbal abuse is that this automatic response can lead to detrimental procrastination in other areas of my life. 
I'll admit, it's difficult sometimes to separate a discussion of mental health from a discussion of race. It's difficult to separate a discussion of anything from a discussion of race, for that matter. During my mental health journey, while adapting to the nuances of navigating my illness, it was not lost on me that race itself was another nuance to navigate. This is just one example of a very long list of factors that felt completely out of my control. Although difficult to accept, realizing that I couldn't fix everything opened me up to more healing and more peace throughout my mental health journey. I realized I didn't have to feel guilty for compartmentalizing race and my mental health. This can be applied to any factor that may feel out of your control and cause added strain on your pursuit of mental wellness. It's okay to let go and prioritize yourself.
It's important, for a variety of reasons, to keep in touch with the events of the world around you. But what do you do when the news triggers your self-harm urges?
It's been over a year since I said goodbye to my sweet pup, Cannelle, a cocker spaniel. I adopted her when she was 18 months old and was blessed to have her by my side for 13 years. Throughout that time, Cannelle helped me in ways that she, of course, could not comprehend. My pup helped me through bouts of mental illness, among other things.
July 12, 2022, was when my life changed forever. On this day, I got diagnosed with double depression, and I have been unable to come to terms with it. Even though I suspected it for a while, I don't know how to accept this as my reality. And I know it will be many moons before I do so.
I tell myself that I write about borderline personality disorder (BPD) because I want to help others struggling with BPD and crisis, among other things. But, if I'm truly being honest here, I'm not writing to others — I'm writing to a former me. I'm writing to the me who spent hours Googling my behavior looking for answers. I'm writing to the me desperately seeking relief from my inner torment. I'm writing to a me I assume is long gone. This time, however, I want to write to a different me. This time, I want to write to the me that thinks she made it to the other side. I want to write to the me who pretends to have some kind of authority on getting through BPD. This time I want to write to today's me.

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Comments

Elizabeth Caudy
Dear William, thank you for your comment. I can definitely relate to it and I'm sure a lot of other people can, too. Best, Elizabeth
Devils-Avocado
I have just read this and actually had a little bit of a tear up. I'm a Brit on a waiting list for ADHD assessment. I have always had trouble buying clothes (and other things). Everything has to be just, just, perfect...every damn detail. I used to do exactly as described in stores but online shopping has made this worse. If I'm looking for something I end up with bags of clothes bought online (100's of £'s worth) which I'll go round and round trying on for days before returning at the 11th hour. It drives my partner (and me too, actually) batty having all this stuff in the corner of the bedroom. Currently it's summer trousers...omg.
I wonder if potential ADHD-ness also has something to do with the way I obsess, to the point of tears, over what I'm wearing to certain key things/events that really matter to me: evening out, work thing, seeing old friends after a while. I have to allow extra hours to go through the wardrobe rotation. I have been known not to go if it's just not right.
Gg
Fight hard and support your son through this hard time eventually the truth will come to light and your son will be heard.
William morgan
I am diagnosed with Schizzoaffective disorder and the part of my sickness I hate the most is severe anxiety. It attacks me from the pit of my stomach to my brain. I get so afraid that something terribly wrong has happened. Also, I’m afraid to see or be seen by my neighbors at times. This is a difficult thing because I enjoy getting out of the house at times. My anxiety is worse in the morning after waking up. I have no social life at all because i shy away from any kind of human interaction because I have social anxiety also. I freeze up in fear and all I can do is listen to others around me talking, and I am in fear to talk or communicate with others.
Lynn
Hi Kathleen, I am a pastors wife with Bi-polar 2 and I hear how you miss hearing and feeling God as He once was. I hope by now he has found better meds. I’ve also found other causes to my mental illnesses that have helped them work better. Ie my copper levels were very high from Wilson’s disease brought on by a rare bacterial infection from farming called Whipples disease. When they were Chelated, I had 10 years of feeling so well. Also have found a gene that interferes with neurotransmitters that aid serotonin levels. And take TMG an amino acid that helps too, I’m only heterozygous of this gene but I wish I could remember more to help more. The last factor that’s affected my moods is having hyperaldosteronism… an adrenal disorder that can effect our ability to cope.
So a copper, zinc cerruloplasma blood test. Anything higher than 17 is symptomatic even though a bells curve in science has the level higher. The Bill Walsh institute is dedicated to these bio chemical issues. Not sure where in the states they are.
Then aldosterone renin ration for adrenals. … early symptoms are a higher diastolic blood pressure than normal. But eventually it leads to hypertension that seems resistant to meds.. took them ten years to do this blood test on me with hypertension.
Hope ruling out things means he gets a better hold on it. But sometimes my favorite bible verse for my low mood times is “And it came to pass”