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Schizoaffective anxiety and recovering from surgery are a particularly bad combination. Yesterday, I was picking up some packages from the mail room. The mailroom is down a flight of stairs from our apartment. Only one package of four free COVID tests would fit in my tote bag, so I had to carry the other one by hand. I have a system for getting the mail on such occasions since I just had double knee surgery, and it’s hard for me to get up and down stairs. Schizoaffective anxiety in recovery makes it harder because I'm scared.
One of the most significant symptoms of anxiety that I have struggled with has been hypervigilance. Hypervigilance pertains to being on guard and alert for threats in the environment and may result in engaging in behavior with the purpose of preventing danger.1
For the longest time, I felt something was wrong with me for being an introvert. While most kids my age loved noisy parties and socializing, I preferred quiet one-on-one conversations and the company of books. In tenth grade, when an unimaginative bully called me "boring," I took her jibe to heart. It took me a couple of years to realize she was dead wrong. I am not boring; I am an introvert. And there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. 
I fell into habit tracking because in a world that is constantly changing, having clearly defined action steps is comforting. I’m able to trick my mind into creating a productive routine that feels more like a game than a chore. Sticking to healthy routines has a tremendously positive impact on my mental health, and it’s never been easier to do because I found a way that I enjoy. (Who doesn’t like the feeling of being able to check off boxes?)
In my life, embracing setbacks has been a recurring theme. Setbacks are the unexpected twists in my mental health journey. Embracing setbacks has been a transformative experience, prompting me to reconsider their nature and my response to them. 
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to edit an article that caused great stress and anxiety. I agreed to do this, not knowing how complex the text would be. After a few minutes, I stressed out about why I couldn't comprehend the content. My stress soon morphed into anxiety, pounding my head with thoughts like, "I'm so stupid, and If I can't edit this piece, my friend will be disappointed." I was tempted to give up and apologize to my friend. But before I did, I remembered that my stress and anxiety didn't have to consume me. To learn more about my experience with stress and anxiety and how I have learned to deal with them, continue reading this post.
I know it can be hard to believe sometimes, but needing help with eating disorder (ED) recovery is not a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest actions you can take. Internalized fears or anxieties might whisper in your ear that asking for help means you are a failure, a burden, or a lost cause. But I hope you can trust me on this: Those inner voices aren't telling you the truth. It's okay to need help with ED recovery. In my own experience, healing is intensive, painful, and humbling work. No one I've met (including myself) has been able to successfully pursue it alone. So, if you could use an extra boost of care, support, advice, or encouragement, don't allow fear to intimidate you from reaching out. I promise needing help with ED recovery is not a sign of weakness.
Gambling fixation doesn't look the same for everyone. Very quickly into my gambling escapades, I realized that each person’s journey is unique, and this is determined by their motivations, vulnerabilities, and circumstances. Looking back at my own experience, I see that I became an interplay of personality traits. Through the winning, losing, and desperation phases of my journey, my emotional struggles, personality, and attraction to the allure of gambling unlocked in me the chaser, escape artist, risk taker, denier, and isolationist. These are types of gambling fixation.
When many people think of verbal abuse, they picture an angry person screaming insults or spewing vicious words, but passive aggressiveness can be verbally abusive, too. Verbal abuse doesn't have to include yelling or potential threats. Sometimes, passive-aggressive verbal abuse can be just as harmful. 
Growth milestones for borderline personality disorder (BPD) recovery have been a gratifying evolution. Tracking my progress is like observing a baby's journey from crawling to walking and talking. This perspective has softened my self-judgment about living with mental illness, as I tend to be hard on myself. Growth milestones in BPD matter.

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Hilary
Hi,

So sorry to hear this Christine.

You are welcome to email me. Anytime.
I am sorry you are struggling in such a hard situation. It's not an easy thing to go through when you love someone and they are your adult or young child. as well. I
Its v hard to talk about too.
I hope you and yr daughter are setting some boundaries that suit your situation (safety wise ) soon ...you would or are doing the right thing to set boundaries. together in writing, maybe even legally would be good.

Enforced living arrangements by a real estate agent or court is sometimes best in the end if all else fails, even though its v hard- or a group home while you think on what to do might be good -easier said than done...
All the best to you, yr daughter and yr family
Hilary
I understand and I am so sorry for your and your son's pain. I get it totally but not many do ... if you need to chat do write back to me . Keep going in the meantime by taking one day at a time and looking after you too x
William
thank you for making the effort to write about this with such honesty and insight . You may be ill but you sound more genuine and likeable than most of the superficial actors we meet everyday . I too have a similar ongoing battle involving much suffering despite perhaps appearing to others as "normal ". I am 60 in 2 weeks and poor mental health ..particularly depression and anxiety took away my ability to lead a normal life no matter how hard I tried . I became an alcoholic for perhaps 30 yrs ..trying to self medicate the feelings away . That almost killed me 7 years ago ..the last time I had a drink . I have no means of escape now but for several decades have believed buddhism offers great healing for us folk . Compassion , wisdom , peace and of course ..living life in the present moment , moment by moment ,..... ...all the things I have yearned for all my life . Good luck and much love from Devon in the UK .
Danielle
I just got into it with a stranger who was driving and didn't slow down like he was supposed to even though I was a pedestrian already in the crosswalk. He was turning into the plaza as I was using the crosswalk and we both hesitated but the default rule is to wait for pedestrians. But after all, he continued rolling passed me as I was half way thru the cross walk when he said out his window "pay attention ..blah blah". thats all I heard because before I knew it, I was shouting back at this car "no you pay attention, you're supposed to slow down for pedestrians" he was still driving but he stopped and put his car in reverse and started to "follow" me to argue. I was just going to my own car not too far into the parking lot. He stops and looks at me while I'm arguing back and they starts to insult my appearance. I was just running errands so I was in some flare yoga pants and a hoodie. My hair was poofy because I had just gotten it freshly colored that morning and it had been blow dried. I wasn't wearing makeup, so apparently he thought I looked like I was "on drugs" he asked me several times if I was high and I said what are you talking about and then he started laughing and calling me a tweaker or junkie. I was so insulted. I'm a woman, he was a man and just because I didn't dress for his gaze (the male gaze) while running errands, he concluded I looked so bad that I was on drugs? I'm so embarrassed and annoyed that this happened. All because he didn't want to slow down for a pedestrian in the cross walk? I can't help but feel like this is some kind of karma from the universe because I do admit that sometimes I am not the most patient or nice person out in public, but I never throw personal insults at people. If I am complaining or verbalizing my displeasure, it is directed at the situation itself rather than personal insults at the participating parties. For example, all I rebuttled back to him was that he needed to be the one to pay attention and later I told him he was very rude for saying I looked like a tweaker. He even pulled out his phone like he was going to start recording the altercation but I drove off hopefully not giving him enough time to make a decent video. I could have insulted him back, but he went straight for personal attacks and it hurt my feelings. I should not have to be insulted just for running errands while not being all done up.
Mags
Curious where this has ended up? As i am in this situation right now