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Depression Symptoms

Feeling self-conscious when I am depressed is common for me. I worry about every single thing I do and say. I have found hope in the fact that there are ways to lessen this self-conscious feeling when I’m depressed.
Negative thoughts and self-talk are the most frequent symptoms of depression I've experienced. Sometimes, it would take one seemingly small comment or event to propel me back down into the despair of an endless cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk from which it could take weeks or sometimes even months to fully recover. I got so tired of other people, situations, and depression having that kind of power over me. I asked my therapist for some depression coping skills and tools that would allow me to be better equipped to fight this battle. And they're working.
  I have been feeling overwhelming depression for the past couple of weeks. Living with a mental illness can make anyone exhausted, turning simple daily tasks into daunting and dreaded foes. My responsibilities loom before me like an abysmal darkness that I cannot escape. Practicing self-care feels impossible. Even thinking about housework or errands exhausts me. Welcome to the hard days of overwhelming depression.
Apathy in depression is the feeling of indifference towards yourself, your life, and those around you (What are the Symptoms of Depression?). Apathy in depression is uncomfortable and disappointing because it makes what you once cared about seem unimportant. My love of being active and working hard has been replaced with a black hole that sucks up my emotions and desires, making me a mess of I-don’t-cares and shoulder shrugs. I fear my apathy in depression and I resent the challenges that indifference creates.
Binge-watching television while coping with depression doesn't mix. I’ve been watching episode after episode of Shameless on Netflix this week and it’s been messing with my ability to cope with my depression. While I can easily excuse watching multiple episodes of a show in a row by calling it creative stimulation or a pleasant distraction from my mental health challenges, it’s a bad idea. Binge-watching TV stops me from moving around and accomplishing things and it works me up emotionally. I usually end up more depressed after binge-watching TV than if I have done something else. When I cope with depression, I try not to binge-watch television.
I have recently been forced to cope with extreme anger as a symptom of depression. Not crabbiness or grumpiness or irritation--anger. Bitter rage intoxicates my brain and makes it impossible to care about anything (Confronting the Dragon: Mental Illness and Rage). I am indifferent, and I’ve never been indifferent. I cannot find enjoyment in anything, and I have always tried to find little joys. Laughter feels foreign and serenity seems like a figment of my imagination. The most infuriating part is that I have no idea why I am so angry, and the anger has created a setback in my process of coping with depression.
Depression has many well-known symptoms, and one of them is how depression makes it difficult to process emotions. This emotional effect is incredibly difficult for me to handle. I was an emotionally repressed child, and I only just started practicing emotional openness in college. I am still learning how to feel in a controlled fashion, how to conduct myself despite intense emotional outbursts, and how to work with feelings instead of against them. And I’m also learning how to cope during the times my depression blows my emotions out of proportion; because, depression complicates my ability to process emotions.
It's important to realize that depression does not eliminate your basic needs. There are many mornings that I wake up in an uncontrollable rage with nothing to show for it but unwavering anger. In these instances of rage, my usual coping skills of painting, cooking, writing, or exercising do not work. They seem to require too much energy, effort, and thought. I find that my angry self wants only to sit in a tense position with clenched fists, mercilessly criticizing my messy brain. After sitting frozen in this furious position and mindset for a few hours, I fall deeply into a depressive state. I typically ignore my body at this point, skipping meals despite my growling stomach and refusing to use the restroom (Importance of Self-Care to Your Mental Health). But I've learned that depression does not eliminate your basic needs.
Engaging in creative activities can relieve depression because the process can be relaxing, engaging and enjoyable (Exploring The Link Between Creativity and Mental Illness). The end result is often satisfying, too. We often forget to make time to be creative, but our we can find depression relief with creative activities.
When people think of depression, they think about a character like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh -- someone who's a bit gloomy and sad, perhaps, prone to moping about. Some even think depression is a bit hip and edgy -- an affliction of creative types like artists and writers. But the truth is, I'm afraid, a lot less romantic.