Why Don’t We Want to Shower When We're Sick?
I know this seems like an odd question, but I was considering it this morning (in my shower). It is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I have a tendency to avoid showering (really) and I know of others with a mental illness have gone weeks without showering.
So, if all we’re talking about is standing in some warm water, why don’t we want to shower?
I think there is a tetrad of reasons, experienced according to mood: fatigue, crazy, self-hatred and pain.
Too Tired to Shower
If you’ve been seriously ill, mentally or physically, you know energy is in short supply. Sometimes it takes the effort of a thousand men just to open your eyes and get out of bed in the morning. Every muscle flex, joint bend, or even a thought is overwhelmingly exhausting.
And if you only have enough energy to accomplish two small goals that day, you might pick eating and paying the power bill. Both of these things are more important than showering. (And of course, you might not be lucky enough to have even that much energy.)
Too Crazy to Shower
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum. Hypomania (mania) is the fastest time on planet earth. Nothing holds my attention long enough to do it and I’m vastly annoyed at how slowly everything moves. I end up finding myself watching TV while doing yoga and writing the first scene of a book in my head. And then I look at the clock. Five minutes have gone by, but in my brain they’ve felt like 60.
And due to my extreme inattention and annoyance at single-threaded slowness, a shower sounds like the most boring thing in the world. Ever. It wouldn’t even occur to me to bother with one.
Too Hateful to Shower
Those first two I think are obvious, but I think this one is more subconscious and insidious. I sometimes find I don’t want to shower because I hate my body -- my existence) and therefore don’t want to be naked - rather a requirement for taking a shower. It’s not a conscious lack of self-care, or purposeful denial of pleasure, or low self-esteem, or any other therapy-esque interpretation you’re likely to find. It’s just that me, my body, feels really grimy and I don’t want any further proof of its existence. I want to pretend it’s not there. It hurts less to pretend it, myself, doesn’t exist. (I suspect this is an aspect of dissociation. I'm a dissociator from way back.)
But Showers Feel Good
Ah, spoken like a normal person. No, they really don’t. I mean, sometimes they do, sure. Warm water, citrus bodywash, what’s not to like?
When I’m in pain I want to put up additional barriers between me and the world. Some subconscious part of me is thinking extra clothes and blankets over my head will save me from my brain. Being naked removes barriers. And I can’t have that.
And I’m not exactly sure how to explain it other than to say the water is painful. It feels like an attack. It feels like I’m in so much pain already that a breeze grazing my skin makes me want to cry.
And I’m really, really trying hard not to think about that pain. That’s the stuff of death. So the last thing I need is to have shards of water splitting through my skin. I don’t want to shower; I’m in enough pain already.
Tracy, N. (2011, March 7). Why Don’t We Want to Shower When We're Sick?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, December 3 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/03/why-dont-we-want-to-shower-when-were-sick
Author: Natasha Tracy
Just get in the shower self help is the only way you can battle through depression and other illnesses I no it's hard I suffer myself but just by showering my mood changes you just have to force the change try it and see how u feel
Some people's mood doesn't change, after exercise I still feel numb and don't get a flood of endorphins everyone bangs on about.
I found this website because I can't figure out why I can't get in the shower. I know I'm depressed, I'm bipolar so I'm familiar with the symptoms by now. I'm the one who usually gets more high than low, so this really freaks me out, I'm actually trying to talk myself into getting in the shower and I CANT. why? Strange to me because when I was first hospitalized when I was sixteen the shower was my safe place, I would spend hours under the hot water, naked. Now I can't, If I'm honest it started about a year ago, I have been forcing myself to bathe for almost a year, this is the longest I've gone, it's been 7 days, I feel disgusting, but can't bring myself to do it. Why, what a bizarre thing. does anybody have a real answer to this?
I have this too i donno wuy to do be cuz i know just the armpit alone creates 1000 (tru fact) different hazardous bacteria, i read a paragraph in that site that said tge more clothes and blankets y have on u feel like when u take it off ur literally naked mentally to see what you are and the dirt and yhe problem so u just go longer but minute by minute its all i think about is more bugs on me creating disease but i just sit here and cry, i titally know how u feel and i dont wanna tell a doctor bcuz i think he'll say im gross and just toss me aside and lock me away. Do u have any help yet, are u still going thru this i need to talk to sum1 who understands 😭
It's nice to know ow I'm not the only one, I had a feeling, but until you see other people discuss it. You feel alone. As I write this, I am avoiding the shower myself. Life hasn't been too hard on me, but I've got clinical depression and I wouldn't doubt if I have bipolar issues to boot. Showering is such a process that when I'm sad, or feeling low, its the last thing on my mind. Not the cleansing part, but what comes after. Needing to dress, wet hair (I've got loots of hair), being cold. There is just more effort into showering then I'd like to give. Whereas on happy days, I'll waltz upstairs to the shower and hoping like it's nobody's business and get dressed.
It's nice to know there isn't necessarily an underlying issue, but mostly those hurdles we put in our life.
I have schizoaffective disorder with major depression and more often than not, it just doesn't occur to me to shower. It's not even a conscious decision to not shower, it just doesn't cross my mind that I should. And then, of course, there are times when life is just too much. I just want to lay in bed and imagine oblivion and it takes so much energy just to get sit up that I'm left with a decision; play with my niece and nephews, or shower... showering isn't even really on the table anymore unless I'm having a good day, which only happens roughly every two weeks. Thank you so much for this post. It's nice to know that I'm not completely alone in this and that maybe this isn't one of the things that contributes to my being an awful person. Thank you!
Thanks so much for your blog on this subject, you put into words what I've been feeling for years now and didn't know how to express the feelings
I thought that not showering, shaving, brushing my teeth, not changing my clothes Was only me. I don't crave sensations. When hypomania it's just the opposite!
I'm so glad I found this post it made me feel not so alone , and weird...For the past 2 or 3 years on and off I generally only shower once a week twice if I'm feeling good and using baby wipes and deodorants and body sprays to stay decent smelling, and only brushing my teeth every 2-3 days (which has caused very bad decay/ breaking in half even )I feel like a terrible disgusting person for it all the time . Most of the time I just completely space on it. And when I do remember I usually dread these "normal" activities. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression with manic episodes, anxiety, and a.d.d when I was 14 I'm almost 22 now and life has always seemed like a burden. I try really hard but I tend to jump job to job during my really bad episodes every 4-9 months.... Especially higher stress jobs I last less time employed. It's really been getting bad lately. I honestly didn't know my mental health was causing this I always criticize myself thinking Im just lazy and gross.
Hey Moses, I guess you don't get the whole point of this page, nor do you want to understand what its about. Depression, and many other mental illnesses are debilitating in many ways. One of which may be person hygiene. It is definitely not about self-pity. You, are indeed ignorant and should be thankful that showers are no big deal.
I stopped bathing regularly on 9/11. It wasn't because I was horrified about it, I had recently been diagnosed with BP2 and had just gotten a decent medication regimen. It started with me not brushing my teeth regularly. Then I went to showing every 3-4 days just because I was married. My marriage (2nd) was horrible. My husband was mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive to my children and I wanted out, but thought I couldn't afford it. After my 1st husband told me my kids were terrified of my husband I moved out (trial separation). It took about a month for him to want a divorce. I found out he had already replaced me within a few weeks. I ended up having a mid level mental breakdown after something bad happened and checked myself into a facility for 6 days. I think I showered once while I was there. After that, the showers decreased and now in 2017 I've gone months without bathing. I put it off and tell myself I'll do it later. I occasionally use baby wipes for the important parts. I cover my hair with caps on if I have to go out in public. My next door neighbor's son (he was around 7 at the time) asked if I bathed every day. Obviously, he overheard his parents talking about it. I avoided it by saying, "If I didn't shower everyday I would smell bad". Now, I'm friends with his mother and I think she just doesn't mention it because she knows I'm mentally out of whack. Who knows, maybe she thinks if she says something I'll flip out? I RARELY go out. I had a big kidney stone and had to be hospitalized to have it broken into pieces. On the day the stent was inserted I must have smelled really, really bad. When the stent shifted and I had to have it re positioned a nurse came in and gave me bathing supplies. I was mortified and made sure I bathed before the next procedure. As of today, I bathed about 2 months ago. I read about exfoliating my scalp to get the built up dirt out of it. I read about a skin exfoliation of baking soda, cinnamon and coconut oil. So, at least when I do shower I'm getting most of the dirt off. When I used to interact with more neighbors, one of them said I wasn't washing my face and that's why it was peeling. I made a point of washing it, then going over to show that it was still peeling. (Of course, it was because there was at least another layer of dirt that I hadn't gotten off). Diabetes 2 gave me a systemic fungal infection and I've had thrust for 10 years that I can't get rid of and I break out with yeast bumps. I notice my skin shedding white pieces and just scratch them off. I scratch the scaly stuff off of my scalp regularly, then get irritated when it seems to come back 24 hours later. So, I'm now mostly isolated and just don't care. I don't want to be bothered by the normal expectations of other people, so I avoid all but two of them. It's weird and I'm SO glad I found this post.
I always shower when I'm sick. I even showered the day after major surgery. I feel that I'm moving toward better health when I do. People who don't, frankly, seem to be self-pitying. Unless you are an invalid, take a shower.
I am so glad this subject is included in the discussion. I think I once brought it up to a therapist, very reluctantly, to find out if my aversion to hygiene was to be expected and he/she totally ignored my comment, which made me feel even worse about it. Of course, my negative, depressed brain reminds me constantly that it's b/c I'm lazy and I'm a disgusting person. And in that state of mind, what is the point of doing it? I don't plan on getting close to anyone. I don't leave my house unless I absolutely have to. Who is going to know or care?
But analyzing it from a more positive state.....(funny how we always have two opposing opinions to every subject)......It's the effort part, for me. The dread of it makes me procrastinate, and the more I procrastinate, the greater the dread. One of those vicious circles. When I'm normal, hypo or manic, I can enjoy it. Or at least feel accomplished afterwards. But when depressed, take a shower may as well mean climb a mountain. It's just that monumental of a task. And when I do finally struggle through the whole ordeal and it's over, I don't feel any better. I'm still a dirty person in my mind and there's a total lack of pride over the accomplishment (which you talk about in another very well written blog here).
Anyway, I'm feeling quite normal and clean at this moment as my hair is still wet from my luxurious bath. You caught me on a good day/week. Thanks so much for the article. It makes me feel much more normal in my abnormal brain.
Thank you all for your honesty and courage posting on this topic. It has helped me think deeply and consider several factors that never came to my mind before.
You see, I'm the spouse of someone who has been demonstrating this kind of behavior for three or more months now. I was debilitated three years ago in a housefire, losing all ten digits and by burning like a piece of bacon. Yet I have been blessed enough to avoid major body image issues.
My husband too is disabled after falling two stories onto his head in 2005 during Army urban warfare training. He broke every bone in his back, both wrists,and suffers from a closed head injury. He tends to isolate himself when we argue. Less when we disagree but nevertheless he withdraws to the other room and vegetates. In front of the TV with movies he's already seen, he'll promise me that he'll take a shower "in a little bit. " Yet I wake up alone and he's on the couch, dirty. This is frequently happening.
So far, I have read about you guys being late. But my husband will put off, or procrastinate, more than just a shower; he's reluctant to have conversations about his body and hygiene, or to accept reasons he should shower.
This has had some impact on our sex-life. Also on his health. And adversely affects our communication. But these reasons are not enough to get him to bathe! Being disabled too, it's hard to accept. This article, and your posts have helped me understand that he's struggling and my impatience, frustration, insistence, attitude, and hardened manner are making him isolate further.
Thanks again. If anyone has any ideas to share w me on these ideas, please do!
Wow, I used to LOVE to shower every morning, scorching hot - now it's every 3 days. Now I feel cold and vulnerable getting in and worry the water might stop. The drain might clog. The vent fan might die.
Getting a day job has helped - I know if I don't shave and change my clothing people will talk. They probably do. Gotta do better on it.
I try to shower at least once every 2 weeks or so. Really, only because I see a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist every 2 weeks. A lot of the time, especially when its cold, I'll turn on the shower and sit in the tub. I don't wash anything, just sit there, turning the water hotter and hotter until my skin turns pink and hurts like a sunburn. I don't know why I don't wash, I only ever wash the important bits anyway so it would only take 5 minutes. I very rarely wash my hair. I also struggle with clean clothes. I do laundry twice a year, when its time to transition between hit and cold weather. I only wear "real" clothes for an hour or so, while I'm in public. The rest of the time I stay in crusty pajamas. I'll not change for a few weeks at a time, even after my tub/shower experiences, I just put the dirty clothes back on.
I posted on this thread a long time ago but felt the need to post again. I detest showering. I know it's a good thing but I just cringe thinking about it. It seems so exhausting. I'll take a shower about once a week but I wouldn't even do that if not for my husband's insistence. And a few have said, I used to be photo ready every single day. Now I could give a sh!t. I rarely go out, so why bother?
For me, showers are so depressing, so isolating. The noise drowns out the rest of the world and makes me feel trapped inside my bubble of doom. When I'm happy its a wonderful place, where I sing and feel like the sun is shining on me. But especially lately with my fiance being in prison, I'm so depressed I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind. I can't even sleep more than 4 hours without waking up bawling my eyes out. Ugh this is hell....
I have not bathed or showered in over 18 months, and I'm OK with it. I wipe my face with a hot wet cloth in the mornings and I wash my hands many times each day. I decided today to do a Google search on people who don't bathe, and I've found several people who claim it's unnecessary, which has made me feel a lot better. I also found this site and have read all the posts on this subject and I can relate well. I have been diagnosed twice with paranoid schizophrenia, once with manic depressive illness, and twice with generalized anxiety disorder. I have also struggled with alcohol and drug abuse since the age of 13. I am now 60 years of age. I have been fortunate to have been prescribed the right combination and dosages of medications to enable me to function as a relatively normal person, with limitations.
I went from three years ago showering every night to about once a week. Now I don't care. I hate the shower. I hate seeing my naked body, I loathe myself and in my naked state I can see the raw me, every inch of my being that makes up the sum total of who I am. I look at my body, I am not fat, but I look at my body and my mind does not recognize it. I used to love the sensation of warm water against my skin, or having clean hair. Now I do not want to have my head wet at all. Am I punishing my body, I don't know. I just don't have the energy. It is a meh whatever, not important, some other time when I feel better. When I can smell myself I can put on more deodorant, or only then will I have a shower. Two weeks can go by with no clothe changes. I will have a good day and then do everything, shower, shave, clean the house, washing. Wake up and not even want to breathe. It takes half the day to open the blinds. My morning meds get taken about lunchtime because I can't be bothered getting out of bed. If it were not for my dog, I would not walk each day, even if it is just to take her to the toilet.
Showering. I hate the water on my skin. I don't know why. I hate seeing myself naked and the sum total of who I am. For me showering has become like taking my medication, it is something I resent having to do. And I don't really understand why. OCD and showering, it doesn't make sense. But if the energy is not there, then it's easier to shut your eyes and ignore everything than deal with it, and most days shutting your eyes is the only way of surviving.
It's so nice to finally feel like I'm not alone in this. I have bipolar and anxiety and when I'm feeling good, I'll take a shower every other day. But when I'm depressed, and my meds aren't working, I can go for a week to three weeks of not taking a shower. I stay home when I'm depressed and don't see the need for one. I just have absolutely no energy when I'm down to get anything done. Thanks for the post.
How To Learn To Love Baths Again
Not wanting to bathe is typical for those of us with mental illness. No one can say exactly why, but it is. I have gone from seldom bathing to bathing almost (gasp) every day. It took time to get to this point, but that is not something to worry about doing yet. These steps helped me, maybe you will find them or your own varient of them to help you. Please excuse spelling errors. 1) wash a very small load of clothes and a towel. SMALL load only. 2) fold a shirt, bottoms, underwear, socks and a towel and stack them together. 3) put the stack in the bathroom. Every time you use the toilet, gaze at them and imagine how good they will feel on your warm, clean body. Tell yourself, 15min is all it would take to shower. 4) you may need to repeat step 3 for a few days. Imagine a clean, warm body in only 15 min time. 5) the next time you use the toilet, "ambush" yourself and strip down. Hey, you're half undressed all ready, right!? 6) turn on shower to comfortable warm, hop (or wobble) in and quickly wash your hair, under arms, and important parts. Do it in 15 min. time, you don't want to lie to yourself next time. 7) while you are washing, think about how good it feels. Okay, you can lie to yourself about that one. 8) finish, dry, and feel proud of yourself. 9) you need to get dressed eventually, go ahead and do that. Unless you want to brush your hair and teeth butt naked first. 10) go get some rest now. You did it!!
Make a goal to do this every other week, preferably on the same day if you can. Don't make it hard, keep it simple. In, out, and done. As you get used to feeling wonderfully clean and proud of yourself for doing it, you will soon find yourself motivated to add a day, then two. You will begin to FEEL the difference of clean vs icky. But before you get there, just keep doing it. One step at a time, one day at a time
Great article! I found the biggest problem for me was always justifying the time spent in the shower when there are so many other things I could be doing. A week or two will pass and I suddenly realise I haven't showered at all or changed my clothes which are starting to get a bit crusty. The whole time I'm in there is spent planning out a bunch of different activities or what I will do next year or the year after. I generally lose a lot of time in there and it makes me frustrated. However on the other side of the spectrum, when I am depressed I just do not have the energy for it, I don't like seeing my body and the scars and stretch marks and it just makes me feel like such a disgrace.
I can relate to everybody. I haven't washed my hair in 4 months. I haven't showered in about 3 months. Sometimes I think I don't want to water to hit my skin either because I'm feeling hypersensitive and start crying. I don't want to cry. I cry in the mornings, because I have morning anxiety. I clean my feet sometimes, but I don't even want to do that. I have to force myself to clean any part of my body. When I think of the shower and how long it will take to clean myself, I think it's going to take too long so I don't take a shower. I feel dirty about myself, so when I don't take a shower I show the world how I am really feeling on the inside. I guess I am crying out for help in a visible way, hoping someone will hear me. I don't feel so alone now that I have read this blog. Somehow, I think I am hiding by not taking a shower. If I take a shower, that means I will have to face the world and start doing "normal" things and "live". If I take a shower, I'm a "hypocrite" because, I think why are you taking a shower? You're dirty. This is how I feel, dirty.
I feel everyone's pain here...i don't remember if i even had a struggle to shower b4 i got sick as bipolar...all i feel is the struggle 2 get in n just get over w n done w, but i can't even do that no matter how hard i try n motivate myself. But by reading wat everyone has been going through it seems like I'm just gona get in the shower clothes n all if i have 2 not caring wat n e body says besides i gota nip this sickness somehow or another. Nobody seems 2 really understand wat we go through these silent embarrassing struggles we face w these damn mental psychotic issues/ side effects of our illness. Wat i wouldn't give 2 b w/o these mental issues don't wish on no one. All i keep hearing z "don't give up" idk wat this truly means while being in my mental situation but i pass it on 2 every1 here. Much love 2 every1.
I know it sounds cliche but I always felt so alone ... I really felt like I was disgusting because of my showering habits. I have cancer, bone disease and chronic pain. Like my Dr says I have plenty to be depressed about ... I just wish I didn't experience such anxiety when trying to take a simple shower. Anyway, thanks to all for posting your stories ..
I'm going to borrow some of your words to express myself.
I like this post. The story says alot about shower phobia in sickness
I never thought I would feel like this again. Silly since I have been treated for depression and eating disorder since I was 16. Hospitalised at 21 The only time I was well was when I was pregnant I am now 61 haven't showered or brushed my teeth or changed my clothes in days I don't want to die but can't go on living (I have a brilliant husband and family who I know love me )but selfishly this doesn't help
I'm sitting here trying to talk myself into taking a shower. It's been harder lately because on top of normal issues (a history of abuse that I got away from, body image issues stemming from scars, etc.) I have developed a frozen left shoulder. Showering is a huge chore and I have to inflict serious pain to even wash under my arm. You can imagine the panic shaving causes. Moreover, spacing out means that I feel like I blink and it's been 20 minutes in the shower already. I've thought a million thoughts inside my head, maybe even come up with great ideas and solutions, but my conscious actions have stopped. I've been "just standing there." It's a very disconcerting feeling.
I do feel lucky that I can talk myself into it 99% of the time since it's so hot and humid here, and I do need to shower to make my tiny office tolerable to both myself and my office mate (and he's a guy, which makes it even more awkward). I recognize that there are some folks who simply do not win that internal battle or have given up waging one at all.
Anyhow, I hadn't seen you guys talk about spacing out in the shower, so I wanted to add that. Now to face the shower and leap into bed.
It's difficult for me to shower because it always seems like such a huge task and I end up putting it off for so long that by the time I do get around to showering it takes a ton of effort and energy to get clean because it has been so long. I hate this cycle. Just thinking about having to shower makes me tired and gives me anxiety. Seeing the dirt and oils coming off of my skin disgusts me and it's difficult not to start panicking and frantically scrubbing my body trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Thank you for posting this blog. How Brave! Thank you all who commented. I've always felt alone about this topic. I don't know the exact cause but I'm sure it's rooted somewhere as a symptom of having bipolar disorder, PTSD and bulimia, which are much better than first diagnosis in 2002 (lots of therapy, meds, etc.). I even work full time again. I'm having a harder time more recently with the shower issue and other symptoms. I could relate to bits and pieces of most everyone's stories. I'm glad to know others know what it's like and are being supportive with the comments. I brought it up with my therapist and will explore. Please take care of yourselves - the struggle is real
I'm so glad to read that I'm not the only one. I felt pretty gross for a while but I'm learning it's part of the illness. Lack of desire to do ANYTHING. Baby steps.
I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you for posting this.
All I can say is, Thanks SO much for this blog!!!
The reason I wouldn't shower as often was because in the depth of my illness I could not find a good reason to do ANYTHING. The world seemed futile and living in it was useless. Taking a bath, eating, cleaning the house, washing the clothes......people who look forward to a future do these things. I didn't want a future. I wondered why I was alive. So why even get up. Why hope? Why bathe?
At the height of my illness I have gone over a month withough showering. Sad to admit but important to share. That was when I was as sick as could possibly be though. Partly for the body shame reason the author mentions, but mostly because I could not stand the feeling or even the thought of water touching my skin. Just thinking about showering would make me nauseous. The thought of water on my skin was like nails on a chalk board. Not sure why. I still feel like that most of the time and only shower about 2 times a week but I'm trying to get better.
I was browsing the posts, and just wanted to let all know, that everyone has the ability to change. Just take baby steps in the beginning. Then work on more baby steps very day. To all that hate there body`s, and there looks, remember even good looking thin people feel hate there looks! Life is complicated, don't sell yourselves short. Your all loving great individuals. Take your medication, and make small changes! Im living proof it can be accomplished. I love all of you!
To me, taking a shower means I'm going out. And I absolutely hate going out. Therefore I hate showering. But, boy oh boy, I sure love sleeping.
I have a part time job because it forces me to go out. I actually love the job. But I spend half of my week dreading going out to work. The dread starts as soon as I finish my last shift of the week.
I've also always had a problem with being late. Reading all these comments convinces me that I'm late because I put off getting ready until the last possible time. And then it's really later than the last possible minute, and then I'm late.
I'm so very glad I found you guys!!
I didn't know how to search this topic so I typed in I'm clean but I don't want to shower. You all showed up and yes I too have bipolar type 2 and add, and most Meds don't work great and when I am feeling better, usually it's depression for me, I have so much to catch up I have a little energy for that and nothing else. I always take a "bird bath" you know wash up the important areas so I do stay clean but what happened? I have always had to motivate myself for everything but never showers and I've been much much more depressed. Lately I'm doing much better and showers just seem so much time and effort. I always put it off and say I'll do it when I have the most energy and then it's bedtime and repeat. I don't want to have to find inspiration or drink a bunch of coffee to get myself in the shower. I hope this is a phase. I took a shower today and I do feel better. Especially because I don't have the guilt and the loop of "when are going to take your shower today" annoying me in every moment. Taking a shower is easier, although I find it hard, it's still easier than the repetition thinking about how I need to take a shower. The difficulty I have in just hoping in the shower like I use to is something I am curious about as well as very serious about overcoming. Just as I have found Meds work about 30% the rest is up to me. This is up to me. I have to recreate the daily habit and I think learn how to make them quick. I use to have a speaker for my phone and listen to fun podcasts and as I write this I think this has been going on since the speaker broke. Just like I exercise and sit in front of a sunlamp, take supplements and read inspirational text, I shower every morning. That's how it has to be. I take Meds I hate taking daily because I feel terrible if I miss a dose. I've been doing that for most of my life. It has to be like that. I have to just do it. Thanks for all of your posts and incredible honesty.
I have not showered in a year and all I have to do is think of it like now and I start shaking. The panic attacks feel like I'm dying and the shame I feel is even worse. I'm bi polar 2 also and when I'm in mania I shower every day but this depression has lasted for years and I can count on one hand the showers I've had in the last eight years. Only when I had to have medical procedures at the hospital. It's my not so secret secret and a big reason I isolate myself but I can't seem to do anything about it.I've never felt so betrayed by my own brain and I've done things during my forty five years dealing with my bi polar that bring me great shame. I was diagnosed at twenty four but started with symptoms at fourteen. It's hell with this disease especially since no meds help for long but this no showering thing is awful
I used to be terrified to shower! I envied people who could shower with no panic attacks and lead normal lives as I was agoraphobic and could only watch from my window. To get in the shower to me meant vulnerability and loss of control. I was also a practicing alcoholic at the time. Shower equalled panic. What if I have a heart attack? What if I need to run away but I'm naked? Oh yes I know it all to well! I used to have to wear my clothes to bed and sleep on the couch close to the front door incase I had to run out.
For years I've struggled with this and just thought it was par for the course with severe depression and anxiety. Especially as I read the comments I feel like we are all family in our shared experience. I must share with you all what I've learned in hopes that some of you might read it and find relief. We are all dealing with at minimum an inflammatory immune response in part due to lacking vital essential nutrients. I have found huge relief through diet, essential oils, and whole food nutritional supplements. Please look into this. This is the first time I've found this site so not sure what's allowed but I do recommend looking into micronutrient deficiency and there are credible essential oil companies that create products for internal use. I would mention the name of what I use but the FDA does not allow me to ( their drug monopoly is threatened) and I do sell them and don't want that to color your opinion of them by feeling like I am trying to make money. There are oils that help with body image and self love especially bergamot and grapefruit. You don't have to be stuck there. It is crucial to find someone in your life that you can be open with that is willing to help you because as you all know this illness is often too debilitating to care enough about ourselves to be consistent in our own healing. I don't pretend to be symptom free but life is so much better and I am not on any toxic medications. Prayers for all of us. You are worthy of happiness. You are a child of God. Don't despair, you are not alone.
Since October I've been slowly spiraling down. I feel my depression, borderline personality disorder and ptsd have been getting worse. A fight with a stomach flu in late October threw me off all my meds and since then, it's been this slow spiral down. Getting to the shower is the last thing on my mind, I will go weeks at a time with no regard for how I look. Who cares? I go out very little anymore (I have VERY little family and only a couple of friends who I see little of - almost all of my social interaction is online). I wear the same clothes for days on end, I spend more time sleeping than awake, I don't eat too much anymore and when I do eat, it's all junk. I haven't consistently taken my meds since mid-November. I live with family who all suffer from depression themselves. I just feel like a few of them just seem to don't care that I have become like this. I keeping hearing "just get over it," "stop living in the past," "you just need to stop dwelling on everything." I just feel like who cares so why try anymore?
I'm so happy to finally see this talked about! For me, showers and panic attacks go together many times. Honestly, I'm afraid I'll die naked and be found that way. Sounds stupid but I don't like my body so the idea of strangers finding me that way just terrifies me! If I have something scheduled during the day, I put off showering until the last minute and that just increases my anxiety, of course - making it worse! I used to grow my hair out and style it, but for the past couple of years I keep it as short as possible so I can go out w/o showering and "without bedhead" if I don't want to shower. I'm officially "stable" on mood stabilizers, and have been for a decade (I'm dx primarily w/Bipolar I w/mixed state-mania, also panic disorder). In fact, I moved about 4 months ago from a place I lived for fifteen years, and at first, no problem showering. But lately, it's a problem unless I've taken all my anti-anxiety meds at once, or have been drinking (like so many of people dx with mental illness, I also struggle with addiction - alcohol in my case normally). I brush my teeth watching tv, shave w/an electric razor at any time of day, and anything else I can do to limit how long I am in the bathroom showering and all that.
thank you for this post...I use to shower and go to work daily...took pride in how I looked..after a work place injury which lead to depression which I have had three re-occurrences off I find it so hard to shower, often its weeks before I do. When I do it feels nice and I tell myself "I should make this weekly" but it never happens...why after 5yrs can I not still do this basic task and why does no one seem to understand?
I have mild intermittent depression and I know it's leaving the day I wake up and feel like a shower. I had never thought about it before I read this article. I have no idea why I avoid showering other than can't get the motivation. Nice to know its a usual behaviour.
I used to feel that way too, for about 3 solid years. I'd to come home from work and by 6 PM flake out on a bare mattress in my work clothes. I was too tired to make up my bed or change my clothes. I'd pull my hair back in a pony tail and was lucky if a had a shower once a week. My weekends were mostly spent sleeping. I was too tired to even THINK of doing anything else. I rarely went anywhere and was embarrassed and ashamed to invite anyone over to my messy apartment.
Then I got on the right cocktail of meds and some CBT under my belt and gradually my life started to improve but I had to constantly push myself to get better. Incrementally it does get better (3 steps forward and 2 steps back) if you just hang in there and don't give up.
I still have a ways to go but things are alot better than they used to be. I have a schedule now that I try to adhere to and I try my best to eat right and get a little exercise
I have just found this post and have read most of the responses in tears. I hate my body. I am embarrassed by it. Showering is a major chore. Once I take one I have to nap from the exhaustion. I am manic. My bi-polar self has led me to be agoraphobic. PTSD, OCD, you name the initials and I have been diagnoses with it. I hate having such a multitude of mental maladies that I can't stand myself, let alone what I look like. I have had several people tell me how ugly I am ... from people at church to my own grandchildren. I get dressed in the dark. I need the comfort of staying covered and not having the reminders that my life truly sucks. I could talk all day and still not convince myself that life is worth living or I am worthy of life. Meanwhile, I'll get up in the morning and quickly dress and not hit the showers again.
thanks to the person who started this blog.
~ this topic was one of the first I saw when I 'found' my online group & saw discussions about MI. I was thrilled to hear that it was a real 'thing' & that I wasn't alone~! This is the best explanation that fits MY thoughts on..why... I've never heard it expressed better, or more nearly in my voice ~ thanks so much