Parenting is hard, and burnout is real. Many parents feel overextended and drained. When your physical, mental, and emotional resources are nearly empty, raising kids can seem impossible. Worse, it’s not unusual for parents to stop caring that they can’t meet their old standards of parenthood. Burnout is a mental health experience that falls on a continuum between stress and depression, say researchers studying the phenomenon (Roskam, et al., 2017). If you have found yourself frazzled and frayed because parenting is hard, don’t beat yourself up for it. You aren’t the only one.

In a study analyzing parental burnout, researchers discovered that almost one third of parents experience moderate burnout while raising their children, and 13 percent of parents suffer from high burnout. Altogether, just under half of all parents deal with parental exhaustion and burnout during the parenting process. Further, this stressful overload applies almost equally to mothers and fathers. In the study, rates were slightly higher for women than men, but the difference was just a few percentage points. (Roskam, et al., 2017).

Many parents face burnout at some point. Here’s a look at what it is.

Parental Burnout and Exhaustion are Overwhelming Because Parenting Is So Hard

Exhaustion from parenting creates crushing negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Overwhelmed parents often experience such difficulties as:

• A sense of defeat
• Hopelessness
• Isolation, being the only one who “can’t handle” parenting
• Thoughts of incompetence, inadequacy
• Emotional distancing
• Lack of pleasure in their children
• Resentment of the kids
• Irritability
• Guilt
• Increasingly strained parent-child relationship

Most parents don’t intend for parenting to dovetail like this. They used to want to spend quality time as a family, and they liked most of the tasks of parenting, even when parenting was hard. So where does burnout come from? What gets in the way of healthy parenting?

Where Do Parenting Exhaustion and Burnout Come From?

There are myriad reasons that parenting is hard, and they accumulate to create unhealthy levels of stress. Parents face societal pressure to raise successful kids because, everyone cries, today’s world needs well-rounded, active citizens. Parents don’t dare be sub-par and risk raising children who don’t measure up.

The pressure to be perfect parents with perfect children is seemingly everywhere. Social media posts and images show off perfection at every turn: perfect bedroom designs, backyard playgrounds, teens doing the stuff of professional adults.

These false standards of perfection are impossible to live up to. Trying to do so and having guilt for falling short are primary causes of burnout. Technology, too, plays a role. Devices lure and capture kids with flashy apps. Courtesy of the Internet and social media, kids are exposed to too much information beyond their developmental level. Online dangers lurk. Videogames corrupt. The hypervigilance required of parents is exhausting.

Then there’s the fact that life is just plain busy. Trying to juggle work, family, and all other responsibilities is a delicate balancing act. Kids are overscheduled, and parents and kids are constantly on the go from one activity to the next. While activities are happening, laundry, shopping, cleaning, meals, homework, and other responsibilities of living pile up. Many parents see adult friendships fall off in the harried pace of their lives. This leads to isolation and decreased moral support.

In all this busyness, there is no time for self-care. That, however, is part of what contributes to burnout.

Tips for Reducing Parental Exhaustion and Burnout

When you’re exhausted and burned out, trying to change your situation can seem daunting. That belief is part of stress-induced fatigue and problem-solving difficulties. You really can regain your positive parenting experiences. Try these tips to help (start with just one, and gradually add others).

• Let yourself be “good enough” since perfection is impossible (it’s positive role modeling for your kids, too).
• When all feels negative, find something positive and focus on that.
• Create parenting goals that fit your family; goals give you purpose and shape action.
• Prioritize. What must be done now? What can wait?
• Consider cutting back on the number of structured activities your kids are doing. Involve your kids in a healthy discussion and let them have input.
• Seek support from people you trust.
• Restore and refresh every day, even for a short time: exercise, meditate, do yoga, meet a friend for coffee, take a nap—whatever feels good to you.
• Sleep.
• If you have a spouse or partner, map out a plan that creates equally shared responsibilities.

To make parenting less hard and reduce your risk of burnout, make your parenting thoughts and actions less about the pressures of others and more about the harmony you seek in your home.

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Among the top parental concerns is how to discipline a child for hitting, including hitting you. When your child hits others, it disconcerting and often starts a cascade of worries and imagined scenarios involving a life of crime for their child. Understandably, parents are motivated to stop the aggressive behavior, but what works? While it seems daunting, you can learn how to discipline your children for hitting you and others and put your worries for their future to rest.

The first step in approaching your child who is hitting is to remember the meaning of “discipline.” To discipline means “to teach” and is about showing kids a better way to handle themselves and situations. Discipline is not about punishment. When disciplining a child that hits you or others, your goal is to teach them gently what to do instead of hitting.

The next step is understanding why, in general, kids hit. While children and circumstances are different, some prominent causes of hitting include:

• High frustration
• Stress
• Feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated
• Not knowing what else to do in a situation involving conflict with a peer or parent
• A still-undeveloped verbal ability to express complex ideas like feelings
• A fear-based reaction
• Feeling left out
• Reacting to being teased or bullied
• Losing a game and not knowing how to handle defeat
• Thinking their teacher, parent, or other adult is treating them unfairly

In most cases, kids don’t lash out on purpose. It’s an automatic response born out of a lack of skills to handle a frustrating situation differently. Some approaches to ending the hitting behavior help, but others actually increase hitting.

How to Discipline a Child for Hitting Others: What Works, What Makes Hitting Worse

Avoiding certain parenting styles will go a long way in stopping your child from hitting you, their siblings, and other kids. First and foremost, avoid hitting them back. This includes but isn’t limited to spanking. Sometimes parents believe that hitting a child back or spanking them will let them know that hitting is wrong: it will show them that it hurts, and it is a form of punishment that kids should want to avoid.

However, spanking only teaches kids that hitting is, indeed, an appropriate way to deal with anger and frustration. It also is deeply hurtful for kids and impairs the parent-child relationship.

Other parenting approaches increase a child’s tendency to hit, too. Lecturing, yelling, punishing, and shaming to make the child feel like a bad kid are harmful rather than helpful.

See: How to Discipline a Child Without Hitting or Yelling

Instead, positive methods reduce kids’ aggressive behavior. Approach the situation lightly rather than in anger. Use humor, and talk about the effect on the other person.

How you discipline a child who hits is as important as what you do. Approaching your child with love, kindness, and empathy is paramount. Understand their feelings, and speak gently to communicate that you’re there to help them rather than scold and punish them.

How to Discipline a Child Who Hits: Teach Them Skills

Because most hitting behavior in kids is due to a lack of knowledge or ability to respond to problems in more positive ways, your kids need your teaching and support to learn better skills.

Disciplining a young child can involve:

• Removing your child—nicely and calmly—from a situation like a playgroup, telling them that you both need some time to yourselves to calm down; you’re teaching your child to self-soothe and deal with feelings.
• At home, have a space for positive time outs where your kids can calm down and return when they’re ready.
• Remind them that it’s not okay to hurt others, that people aren’t for hitting.
• Help them develop different ways to deal with negative emotions, and then practice acting out different situations. Using stuffed animals or dolls works well.

With older kids, you can go a bit deeper. Disciplining a child for hitting at school is important for their social development and self-esteem. Try techniques like these:

• Have them rate the level of anger they felt when they lashed out so they become aware of their feelings before they reach the hitting stage.
• Help them name their feelings, and let them know that they’re okay. They just need to choose a different response.
• Teach them to count to 10 and/or take deep breaths to calm down.
• Encourage them to get some physical activity to burn away tension.
• Ask them if listening to or playing their own music would be helpful when they’re angry.
• Brainstorm the consequences of their behavior; rather than negative ones, focus on the positive—what will happen when they don’t hit?

See: How Do You Discipline a Child for Misbehaving in School?

Knowing how to discipline a child for hitting others is the key to replacing the behavior with more positive responses. The best discipline is empathy and teaching your child the skills they need to grow and thrive.

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Parenting support groups and forums can be lifesavers. Parenting is hard: it brings challenges and frustrations, and sometimes it can seem like the stress is pulling you under. In parenting groups, fellow moms and dads in situations similar to yours toss you a line, pull you into the boat, and help you stay afloat. Belonging to a parenting support group can be particularly helpful when you have a child with special needs, a health condition, or a mental illness. If you are considering reaching out to other parents for help, this information can help you decide if a parenting support group, online forum, or parenting network is right for you.

What are Parenting Support Groups, and How Do They Work?

According to parenting and childhood researcher Dr. Barbara Dillon-Goodson (2014), “There is a strong census [among studies] that parents matter in how their children develop and function.” Parenting support groups help parents raise their children well and with increased ability to handle family stress.

Different types of support are available. You can choose what suits your personality and unique needs. Among them are

• Parenting support groups
• Parenting online forums
• Parenting discussion boards
• Parenting networks

Parenting support groups exist to improve the lives of parents and children. Parents meet with other parents to connect and learn new information and parenting skills, they adapt this information to their own family. As a result of support groups, parents and children often positively change their attitude and behaviors.

Groups can be informal or formal. Informal groups are more loosely structured than their formal counterparts. Informal groups are led by parents who are parenting children with the same needs as the other members. In informal groups, members exchange ideas, vent frustrations, brainstorm, problem-solve, connect, share positive stories and even laughter.

Formal groups, in contrast, are structured and have a specific agenda or curriculum. Many are led by a professional therapist who is knowledgeable about parenting styles and methods as well as with children and their developmental stages and unique needs.

Online parenting forums and discussion boards are community-based networks. They’re not quite support groups because they lack the deeper level of connection and interaction offered by support groups. However, they’re like support groups in that they are ways parents can ask questions, gain resources, and feel less alone.

Parenting Support Groups Really Can Help

Parenting groups benefit members. Parents, kids, and the family unit as a whole experience a calmer, more focused approach to problems and solutions. Exchanging ideas with and receiving encouragement from fellow parents in similar situations changes knowledge, attitude, and behavior. This new inspired parenting boosts kids’ social, intellectual, and emotional development.

Support groups can help parents in many other ways, offering benefits like:

• Helping parents feel less alone in their struggles
• Receiving support from people who understand
• Exploring and discovering new ideas
• Brainstorming and problem-solving
• Making new connections and forging new friendships
• Discovering useful parenting resources
• Having a safe place to vent and de-stress
• Enjoying having people you can talk to and listen to supportively

Benefits of parenting groups are both immediate and long-term. Parents can take new ideas learned in a meeting and apply them at home right away. Other skills and parenting strategies strengthen over time.

Forums, discussion boards, and networking don’t typically foster the same degree of bonding and connection as parenting support groups do, but they’re not without benefits. These are places to ask specific questions, receive targeted answers, and return to what you were doing before seeking information.

Regardless of how you do it, seeking and giving support helps you and your child thrive. Find what fits you and your family to enrich your parenting experience.

Finding Parenting Support Groups, Forums, and Networks

Because of the benefits they offer, parenting support groups are incredibly common; therefore, finding one that matches your and your child’s needs can be fairly easy. You can find parenting groups online and off.

Offline groups and networks are community-based. Find them in your area by checking for information in places like hospitals, clinics, community centers, libraries, or religious organizations. Non-profit organizations often have a wealth of resources to share. Sometimes you can locate parenting groups online through meetup sites or listservs. You can also use support group locators.

Find online parenting groups, forums, and discussion boards with search engines like Google and Yahoo! Use these resources to get started:

• Yahoo! Groups
• Parenting Forums
• Parenting: Get Answers
• Health Boards: Parenting Issues Message Boards

Joining parenting groups for parents facing similar challenges—a child with ADHD, for example—will help you with social support and gaining parenting knowledge and skills to assist you in helping you, your child, and your family thrive.

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Parenting education can be a tremendous asset, offering benefits to expecting parents and baby alike. Becoming a parent can be a swirling mix of excitement, fear, eager anticipation, and dread. Parenting education can calm that whirlwind.

If you attend parenting classes, you can expect to learn concepts like problem-solving skills and ways to help your kids build protective factors that will help them weather the ups and downs of life. Of course, most parenting programs start with parenting a newborn and progress through different stages.

If you’re considering getting some parenting education classes before your baby is born, here are some reasons why doing so could be helpful.

Why Parenting Education Before Your Baby Comes Might be a Good Idea

Becoming a parent for the first time can cause significant anxiety. You might not have held a baby before, or if you did, you could give the baby back to its mother or father when it became fussy. Now, though, you’ll be the one to whom a fussy baby is thrust back. Parenting classes offer guidelines for newborn care as well as how to adapt to your rapidly developing infant.

Upcoming parents often appreciate what parenting education has to offer: information, knowledge, advice, support, and confidence. Another valuable takeaway from many parenting programs is how to smoothly assimilate another person, albeit a tiny one, into your life.  

Information for people who are soon to be parents often includes strategies to help an infant thrive in all areas: physically through the meeting of basic needs, cognitively through tools that allow you to provide just the right amount and type of stimulation, and emotionally via learning how and when to soothe a distressed baby. Other things that pre-birth education provides include:

• Fostering infant-parent attachment
• Understanding infant sleeping patterns and habits and how you should foster and respond to them (for example, Should you run to every whimper or let a baby cry it out?)
• Interpreting and tuning into your baby’s needs
• Properly interacting with your baby

When contemplating whether to enroll in a parenting education program, consider this: Such classes don’t try to change you or your values and ideals for parenthood.  They help you fulfill your own parenting philosophy by equipping you with tools to parent positively within your belief system.

You can remain true to what’s important to you for your baby now and in the future as you learn specific strategies, tools, and ideas.

What You Might Learn in Parenting Education

Parenting education programs have goals and objectives to guide what you learn. While there are differences depending on the program and instructors, these goals apply to most:

• Facilitate knowledge of nurturing, compassionate parenting
• Allow families to build on their existing strengths rather than replacing them
• Increase parents’ knowledge of child development and needs
• Foster the parent-child-family relationship
• Develop an understanding of the importance of social relationships for both parents and children as well as how to create healthy ones

To achieve these goals, parents learn specific skills and strategies to use. These can include:

• The importance of attachment and how to nurture healthy, secure attachment
• Ways to promote positive play
• Age-appropriate activities and expectations
• Positive discipline techniques
• Healthy parenting styles and behavior
• Knowledge of parental roles and parental rights and responsibilities
• Tools for fostering resilience
• The ability to be nurturing without being indulgent

How to Find Parenting Education Programs

If you’ve decided that you’d like some parenting education before your baby is born (or at any time thereafter), there are ways to find them in your community.

Check with your medical providers, such as your OB-GYN, pediatrician, or family doctor. They often know of community parenting resources like parenting programs and parenting support groups and online forums. Community centers, schools, and colleges often provide parenting classes open to the public. Some religious organizations provide faith-based parenting programs. Finally, you can get parenting education online. While the programs are typically comprehensive and offer good information, they don’t provide valuable social interactions and connections.

Getting some parenting education before your baby is born can instill confidence, reduce anxiety, and equip you with strategies to be a fantastic parent for your newborn and beyond.

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Statistics on bullying in school plus the likely victims of bullies and how to help your child deal with a bully. Written by Kathy Noll - author of the book: "Taking The Bully By The Horns"

I'm always working on getting you the most current research information. I hope you find this interesting and helpful:

Recent statistics show that:

• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some "Bullying."
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the info to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who's capable of murder.
• Playground statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.

Most Recent Bureau of Justice Statistics - School Crime & Safety

• 1/3 of students in grades 9-12 reported that someone sold or offered them an illegal drug on school property.
• 46% of males and 26% of females reported they had been in physical fights.
• Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in the higher grades. However, there is a lower rate of serious violent crimes at the elementary level than in middle or high schools.
• Teachers are also assaulted, robbed and bullied. 84 crimes per 1,000 teachers per year.

Are Certain Children More Likely To Be Bullied?

Victims are usually loners. Children who appear to be friendless can be magnets for bullies. Many times it's how kids carry themselves. The bullies pick up on that. They also might pick on children who are different - mental or physical handicaps. Girls in cliques will pick on you simply because you don't wear your hair or clothes they way they see fit to be cool. (Insults, Gossip, Rejection, Spreading Rumors) Sometimes there is "no reason" why a bully picks a certain kid to pick on. But, the bullying leaves the victims believing there is something wrong with themselves. The result: More self-esteem has been shattered.

(Everyone has been bullied to some degree, whether mentally or physically)

What Can You Do To Help Your Child?

You know there is a problem. The first step is to get your child to admit there is a problem. He/she may be too embarrassed or scared and might deny it. They need to know they can trust you and look to you for help. (Encourage them) First, give them this option: They might want to settle the situation themselves before getting you involved (you calling the school or bully's parents). You might try giving them some ideas. For example: If your child is getting bullied because of poor social skills - his shoes are always untied, he walks with his head down, shoulders slouched, avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose - You can help him/her by teaching them better social skills. You also might try a type of role-playing to see how your child acts around other kids. This gives you the opportunity to help your child work out acceptable responses. (especially if he/she is being bullied verbally)

Should the School Contact The Bully's Parents?

The school should first try to settle the matter since it occurred on their grounds while the children were their responsibility. But, unfortunately, there are some schools who don't want to get involved outside of teaching the children. Many parents have written to me about school's/administrators who simply disregarded their bully incidents. Many parents are now seeking legal action.

On the other side - there are teachers/schools who contact the parents to address the problem, but the parents are in denialChild Studying that their child could ever be a "bully," they don't believe it and point a finger at the teacher accusing him/her of picking on their child.

Everyone needs to work together on solving these problems.

What Can Schools Do To Help Stop Bullies and Violence?

It's all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's), Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to Child (at home). There should be town meetings involving the parents, students, and entire school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give "their" ideas on how they would like situations handled. For younger students, role playing of "victims" and "bullies" in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect - how it feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked on could be to have an older student assigned as a type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions. It's comforting to know you're not alone, and friendships can be made there.

Many schools admit that the lockers are the most common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes.

The schools can also pass out questionnaires, and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what is happening and what they would like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there is no conflict in the school. This promotes a pride in the school, and teaches them that even one person's actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are using posters, and having the students wear certain colors on certain days.

Teachers are also using, Taking The Bully By The Horns for role playing in the classrooms. Since I believe in my book, and the help it's been giving children, I suggest reading it aloud to the group. The book is written in first person, so you will be addressing them, and speaking directly to them. This way, you can teach them the skills they need to handle bullies and feel good about themselves (self-esteem/life skills). I ask questions in the book, and you can pause to get their opinions. I also added a bit of humor so it will be enjoyable for them AND they will learn something. Then, you could try some role playing, where they take turns acting out situations where they play both bullies and victims. This will show them how it "feels" and give them ideas on what to do to help themselves and others.

Our local schools participated in Berks County's Annual Week Without Violence. One program included, "Hands Around Violence." Students made paper cutouts of their handprints and wrote nonviolent messages on them. For example, "I will not use my hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands" will serve as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference.

Other activities included a whiteout, where students wore as much white as possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore their school colors, and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed that card over to the first person to smile at them.

Another great idea schools are using is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while asking the students, "How does this person feel?" This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion & ideas for resolution.

Let kids know it's OK to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen and eager to help. Also, if your kids/students are "bystanders" to their friends, or other kids being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these kids by reporting it. If they are afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully.

The anonymous tip was only suggested for those victims who feared revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their "snitching." Yes, in many cases the name of the victim would have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a "nameless" child might try to talk his way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a particular incident with a specific child, and if there was proof or witnesses, it's harder to deny.

Advice For Parents of Both Bullies and Victims

Parents really need to get more involved in their children's lives. That way they will be more sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty. Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus on understanding. Allow children to express how they feel, and treat a child's feelings with respect. Set a good example by showing them a healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them when you see them using these positive skills to settle a difference. Teach them to identify "the problem", and focus on the problem, "not" attacking "the person." Tell them conflicts are a way of life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally, teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions will make for a healthier child, a healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.

A Lot of Parents Have Been Asking Me What To Do About "Bus Bullies!"

There are many different things that could be tried in this situation. School Bus Bullies Ideas for what your kids can do include three options:

• confront
• ignore
• avoid

They should be used in that order except if the bullies are physically violent, then "avoid" is the safest choice.

There are many things your child could say back to the bullies:

"Name-calling isn't cool"

"I don't want to fight. Can't we be friends instead?"

"Why are you mad at me? I never hurt you."

Bullies usually like the effect they get when they shock or hurt someone. Maybe if your child just laughed it off, like they are joking, they would get tired of calling him/her names and it wouldn't seem fun (or effective) anymore.

If it keeps up, and nothing your child says helps, and ignoring and avoiding don't work AND the school won't get involved, then you will have to contact the parents of the "name-callers."

Bullies don't always have a reason for who they pick on or why, but when they *do* have a reason, it usually results in them singling out a smaller person. This would include kids who are not as tall, and most definitely would include younger kids, who obviously would be smaller. This makes you easier to control. And today there are a lot of cases of older kids picking on younger kids on the school buses.

In those cases, I recommend sitting far away from the bully. If the seats are assigned, ask to have them changed. If they are not assigned, ask to have them assigned. If that doesn't work, inform the school and ask the bus driver to get involved. Some bus drivers are asked by the school to intervene. They do this by having the trouble kids sit up front where they can keep a good eye on them in the mirror. However, the bus driver has a job to do which requires the safety of many lives, so if the bullying gets so bad that he/she has to keep turning around or yelling at kids all the time, the perpetrators should be suspended from the bus for the safety of all.

For Teachers and Parents of Bullies - Some Useful Questions to Ask:

• What did you do?
• Why was that a bad thing to do?
• Who did you hurt?
• What were you trying to accomplish?
• Next time you have that goal, how will you meet it without hurting anybody?
• How will you help the person you hurt?

These questions will help them to: Acknowledge their own actions and the consequences they have on themselves and others, develop shame and guilt ("I don't want to go through that again" & "I hurt someone"), change their actions to stay out of trouble, and learn to trust and form relationships with helping adults.

If you'd like to learn more about bully and self-esteem issues, purchase Kathy Knoll's book: Taking The Bully By The Horns.

Trying to figure out how to discipline a child that won’t listen is common parenting issue. It can feel like the more you try to get your child to listen, the more stubborn they become. The result is often a stand-off. The greatest casualty is a positive, loving relationship. It doesn’t have to stay this way. There are ways to discipline a child who won’t listen; even better, you can guide them so they listen willingly the first time you need them to do something.

How to Discipline a Child That Won’t Listen: Build a Positive Relationship

The way to get a child to listen has less to do with getting them to follow orders right now and more to do with building the type of parent-child relationship in which kids willingly listen. Of course, you want to stop the negative behavior. To function well, kids must be able to listen to and cooperate with parents, teachers, coaches, and others. The key is in your approach.

Fostering a positive, close relationship with your kids is the best way to deal with negative behavior like not listening. Kids need affection from and positive time with parents. Making some time, even 10 minutes, every day to give your kids your undivided attention, to play with them, to listen to them makes them feel valued, loved, and more willing to listen.

Building a strong relationship with your child allows you to teach and guide them. In addition to getting them to listen, you’ll lead them toward becoming cooperative, listening teenagers and beyond.

See: Do You Really Know How to Discipline Your Child?

How do parents accomplish this? How does a parent use guidance, teaching, and a positive relationship to discipline a child that doesn’t listen?  The following do’s and don’ts of getting kids to listen will help show you the way.

The Do’s of Disciplining a Child Who Won’t Listen  

Think of the following suggestions as a guidebook to help you deal with your child when they choose not to listen. Do:

• Set clear rules and limits and make sure your child understands; sometimes a “refusal” to listen is really a lack of understanding.
• Use consistent, logical consequences. Kids need to know what to expect when they don’t listen.
• Listen to your child’s feelings and ask them kindly rather than in anger what’s going on. Acknowledge their side, and you can still follow through with a consequence.
• Treat kids with the same respect you expect from them.
• When you say yes or no or give an order, mean what you say and follow through with it. Inconsistency tells kids they don’t have to listen because you don’t mean what you say.
• Notice when they listen and cooperate. Reinforce good listening with praise rather than waiting to punish kids for not listening.
• Allow kids to have a second chance. Do-overs are great teaching tools. You show kids that they can put the brakes on in a negative situation, use coping skills to regroup, and start over in the right direction.

Each of these dos is about you guiding your child to help them become a better listener. Guidance helps your relationship by sending the message that you and your child are on the same side. They do have to listen and cooperate, and this way they’re more willing.

How to Discipline a Child Who Refuses to Listen: The Don’ts

Just as there are helpful things you can do when teaching your child to listen, there are actions to avoid doing. Don’t:

• Lecture your child about the broken rule and the lack of listening
• Dwell on them “never” listening, bring up the incidents constantly
• Punish them but instead give guidance and consequences
• Belittle your child or try to make them feel bad
• Add more punishments when one doesn’t work. You’ll end up with a power struggle and lots of punishments that don’t work.
• Try to be your child’s friend to get them to listen. They need a compassionate parent who gives reasonable limits and follows through.
• Threaten or yell. Scaring and intimidating don’t encourage listening.

See: How to Discipline a Child Without Hitting or Yelling

Guiding and teaching your kids is a gradual and ultimately successful process. How to discipline a child that won’t listen involves setting clear limits and consequences and working with your kids to help them grow.

Finally, be a role model. Kids watch what parents do, so when we want them to listen, we must model how. Listen to your kids. Give them your full attention. When they ask you to do something, respond immediately. It comes back to connection and relationship. A big part of listening is about showing respect and caring—just like the process of teaching kids to listen.

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Discover how being a parent with a mental illness affects the capacity to parent and the impact of parental mental illness on children.

Mental illness can cause mild to severe disturbances in thought and behaviors and can result in an inability to cope with life's ordinary demands and routines. Consequently, it can have a significant impact on family stability. Parents with mental illness have lower marriage and higher divorce rates than the general population. Some parents with mental illness may face problems with parent-child attachment due to repeated separations or family instability.

1 Therefore, families with a parent who has a mental illness require unique services that include both prevention and intervention services for the parent and child(ren). The issues and challenges faced by the one in four American families affected by mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety disorders and schizophrenia, are numerous and varied.

2 These issues include:

• The impact of mental illness on parenting capacity.
• The impact of parental mental illness on children.
• The stigma surrounding mental illness.
• Legal issues—parents maintaining custody and contact with their children.
• Need for integrated services for parents and families.

Impact of Mental Illness on Parenting Capacity

Mothers and fathers with mental illness experience all of the challenges of other adults attempting to balance their roles as workers, spouses, and parents. The symptoms of mental illness, however, may inhibit these parents' ability to maintain a good balance at home and may impair their parenting capacity. When parents are depressed, for example, they may become less emotionally involved and invested in their children's daily lives. Consequently, parent-child communication may be impaired.³ The severity of a parent's serious mental illness and the extent of the symptoms may be a more important predictor of parenting success than the diagnosis.

To be effective, intervention programs and supports for families need to be comprehensive, addressing the needs of the whole family. Services should also be long-term, supporting the family until their primary needs are addressed.

Impact of Parental Mental Illness on Children

The impact of parental mental illness on family life and children's well-being can be significant. Children whose parents have a mental illness are at risk of developing social, emotional and/or behavioral problems. The environment in which children grow affects their development and emotional well-being as much as their genetic makeup does.

Service providers and advocates working with families in which a parent has a mental illness have identified a number of challenges faced by their children. For example, children may take on inappropriate levels of responsibility in caring for themselves and managing the household. Children sometimes blame themselves for their parents' difficulties and experience anger, anxiety or guilt. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed as a result of the stigma associated with their parents' mental illness, they may become isolated from their peers and other community members. They may be at increased risk for problems at school, drug use and poor social relationships. Children of parents with any mental illness are at risk a range of mental health problems, including mood disorders, alcoholism, and personality disorders.

Despite these challenges, many children of parents with mental illness are resilient and are able to thrive in spite of genetic and environmental vulnerability. Resiliency is directly proportionate to the number of risk and protective factors present within the family: the greater number of protective factors and smaller number of risk factors, the greater the likelihood of a child being resilient. Therefore, services for families and children should include opportunities to reduce risk and enhance resiliency.

The Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness

The most pervasive factor affecting parents' access to and participation in mental health services is the stigma accompanying mental illness.⁴ The stigma of mental illness is likely borne out of misconceptions of mental illness and exacerbated by disproportionate media misrepresentations of people with mental illnesses as violent or unfit. The stigma keeps many parents from seeking the help they need,⁵ particularly in cases where they are afraid of losing custody of their children. The stigma of mental illness is more severe than that of other serious or chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. Being labeled with a psychiatric disorder can profoundly and negatively affect the experiences of parents and their family members, adults and children alike.

Legal Issues—Parents Maintaining Custody and Contact with Their Children

Parents with mental illness may be quite vulnerable to losing custody of their children. Some studies have reported as many as 70 percent of parents have lost custody.⁶ The primary reason for the custodial challenge is the stigma surrounding mental illness. Many people believe that consumers of mental health services are naturally unfit as parents. Another common misperception is that parents with mental illness are violent and are therefore at increased risk for abusing their children.

As a result, many families find themselves in a "no-win" cycle of loss. They are aware that if they openly seek help, their symptoms may give an impression of unfitness. Therefore, these families may not seek the services or supports they need, and without those services, their parenting capacity is diminished. In cases where a state government determines it to be in the child's best interest to remove the child from the home, the child may end up in temporary or permanent substitute care.

Need for Integrated Services for Parents and Families

Addressing the needs of families in which a parent has a mental illness requires a shift in the way most health and human service systems operate. Providing family-centered care is essential. However, the current managed care system emphasis on time-limited treatment and the narrow focus on symptom management are incompatible with a treatment approach that includes the whole family.

Treatment is most effective when multiple systems work together. For example, schools should provide more mental health consultation to students, foster social competencies, provide support for students in transition, and encourage peer support and counseling. The child welfare system could provide caseworker training related to parents with mental illness and cross-training in adult and child issues. Communities should invest in improved prenatal care and expand access to high-quality childcare to help a range of vulnerable families.

References:

1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children of Parents with Mental Illness. No. 39. May, 2000.

2. Context of Parenting. May, 1998. Vol. 49. No. 5.

3. Roberta Sands. "The Parenting Experience of Low-Income Single Women with Serious Mental Disorders. Families in Society." The Journal of Contemporary Human Services. 76 (2), 86-89. 1995.

4. Ibid.

5. Virginia Child Protection Newsletter. "Parents With Serious Mental Illness." Vol. 56. Summer, 1999. Critical Issues For Parents With Mental Illness and Their Families. Center for Mental Health Services. July, 2001.

6. Joanne Nicholson, Elaine Sweeny, and Jeffrey Geller. Mothers With Mental Illness: II. Family Relationships and the Context of Parenting. May 1998. Vol.49. No. 5.

This fact sheet is made possible through an unrestricted educational grant from The E.H.A. Foundation.

Source: Mental Health America

Parenting style refers to how you interact with your children as well as how and why you raise your kids the way you do. It’s influenced by your parenting philosophy, your own childhood, your personality, and other factors. Parenting style is also driven by subconscious elements outside your awareness. No matter how it develops, your parenting style influences your children’s mental health. Here, we’ll explore the types of parenting styles and how each can affect the mental health of your kids.

The Different Parenting Styles

Numerous parenting styles have been described. Of these, there are four widely accepted, research-based approaches that thoroughly explain parental behavior and its impact on children, including their mental health (Broderick & Blewitt, 2006). The four official parenting styles:

• Authoritative
• Authoritarian
• Permissive
• Uninvolved/neglecting

Parenting can be child-centered or parent-centered. It can be described as nurturing or controlling.  Some parenting types help kids be mentally healthy as they grow and develop while others can create stress and mental health problems.

The authoritative parenting style is accepted as the healthiest, most positive of all the styles. It is child-centered and responsive. Parents are openly affectionate, and they treat kids with respect, talking to them and listening with attention. These parents create clear expectations, and they explain them. Authoritative parents seek to build a positive relationship with their children. These parents are nurturing and appropriately involved in their children’s lives.

Moms and dads with an authoritarian parenting style are unresponsive. Highly controlling, they demand mature behavior beyond what’s age-appropriate. They talk “at” their kids rather than to them, and they don’t listen to their kids’ opinions and thoughts. Not only do they show little affection, authoritative parents expect kids to stay out of the way.

In contrast to authoritarian parents, parents with a permissive parenting style are very responsive to their children and aren’t at all demanding. Their kids can do as they please with little, if any, interferences. Permissive parenting types want to be a friend rather than a parent; accordingly, they don’t enforce the rules they set. These parents aren’t as nurturing and affectionate as authoritative parents.

Disinterest and unresponsiveness characterize the uninvolved parent. Children of these parents largely raise themselves because their parents don’t spend time with them or give them much attention. They don’t ask about school and activities, nor do they know who their kids spend time with or what they do.

Other parenting types exist, too. Among the various styles are

• Instinctive parenting in which people parent the way they were raised, good or bad
• Attachment parenting in which bonding with children is paramount
• Helicopter parenting in which parents hover like a helicopter, interfering in their kids’ lives
• Shame-based parenting involves anger, punishment, and shaming
• Positive parenting is rooted in positive psychology and seeks to develop happy, involved, goal-oriented kids

Research has identified the impact the four primary parenting styles have on children’s mental health. Here’s a look into what studies have found.

Parenting Style Can Affect Kids’ Mental Health

Much has been discovered about parenting styles and psychology. How kids are raised matters. When children develop mental health problems related to parenting, those challenges can be internalizing (turned inward) such as anxiety and depression, or externalizing (turned outward) such as aggression and other behavior problems. Academic achievement is often impacted, too, either positively or negatively, depending on the parenting type.

Parenting that has the best outcomes for children as they grow and develop into adulthood is that which is marked by warmth, creating an affectionate, safe home climate. Authoritative style parenting has the most positive effects on kids of all the parenting styles. Kids raised by authoritative parents tend to be self-reliant, cooperative, responsible, well-adjusted, and mentally healthy.

Children in authoritarian homes frequently feel undervalued and are at risk of anxiety, depression, withdrawal from others, and self-esteem problems. Emulating their parents, these kids can show anger and aggression.

When raised by parents with a permissive parenting type, kids tend to develop low self-esteem and little self-reliance. Common behavior problems include impulsivity, aggression, rebellion, lack of self-control, and low achievement. These kids are at risk of depression as well.

Like kids raised by permissive parents, children whose parents are uninvolved or neglectful are in danger of developing depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and behavior problems.

A word of caution is in order. While the psychology of parenting styles is well studied and results are reliable, child-raising is a complex endeavor with multiple factors influencing the development and mental health of kids. The more parents learn about parenting in general, the better equipped they’ll be to raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids.

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Every teen suicide has a story. Teenage suicide stories are full of personal pain that most people will never fully understand. But even though those teens may have been dealing with deep pain or loss, their suicides were preventable. You do not have to become a suicide story.

If you feel you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 is also staffed with professionals who are available to speak with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Teen Suicide Stories Tell of Lack of Options and Hope

Teens who are suicidal often feel hopeless and that they have no option but to die. This isn't true, though. There are always many options, even to someone considering suicide. As one 14-year-old put it:

". . . You think all the doors are closed, when all you have to knock, and they will swing right open. There are hundreds of people who care about you, who will take the time to help you, you just need to make a call, or walk to the next door over. You only need to say the word. You may not want to hurt the people around you. You may think nobody loves you, and by doing this, you can make it all go away. It is wrong though. Suicide is not the way out. People want to help you. They gladly will."

Teen Suicide Stories Don't Accurately Take Into Account Those Left Behind

Teens who are suicidal often feel like they are a burden to those around them. Others around them would not agree. One teen tells of the suicide of a 17-year-old friend:

"She will never know the number of people she has hurt.
She will never know the damage she has done.
She will never know how many people she touched with her vibrant spirit.
She will never know how much she will be missed.
She will never know how much she is loved."

While a suicidal teen may feel like they are hurting their loved ones by being alive, actually the reverse is true. It's a teenage suicide story that will hurt those that they love.

Instead of Becoming a Teen Suicide Story, Do This

Instead of suicide, teens can get help from adults they trust, professionals like doctors or school counselors, or even from a suicide helpline. There is help available in the form of inpatient facilities, hospitals, day programs, psychotherapy and more but you have to open the door to one of these options. People want to help you feel better. Avoid becoming a teen suicide story by getting help now.

Behavior modification techniques can help your child change their behavior. The purpose is shaping their behavior patterns. Parents help stop undesirable actions and replace them with cooperative, prosocial ones. It’s a logical, methodical approach to shaping behavior step-by-step, and you can learn behavior modification techniques that might help your child.  

Behavior modification works for a variety of children. It is effective for kids with

• attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
• anxiety
• phobias
• oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

That’s not all. It is also very helpful for any child. This method is used to shape any type of behavior so your child is successful at home, school, and wherever they go.

4 Central Behavior Modification Techniques That May Help Your Child

The core of behavior modification is comprised of four primary techniques:

• Positive Reinforcement (adding a reward for good behavior)
• Negative Reinforcement (removing something undesirable)
• Positive Punishment (adding a consequence)
• Negative Punishment (removing a privilege)

The concepts come from behaviorism in psychology. They are a bit confusing on their own, but they make much more sense with real-world examples. Let’s say your child wants to go to a friend’s house and you agree to take them over when they’ve completed chores. Twenty minutes later, your child says they’re ready to go. Upon a quick inspection, you find that none of the chores are done. Behavior modification seeks to change this behavior with one or more of the four main techniques. They work like this:

• Positive reinforcement will consistently reward good behavior in the future with specific praise, high fives or fist bumps, and letting the child earn things, such as a trip to a friend’s house by completing the chores.
• Negative reinforcement motivates kids to behave well by removing the undesirable effects of the misbehavior. If you decided to watch your child do chores and make them redo them if they’re not right, negative reinforcement would involve you no longer doing these things once your child begins to do chores correctly.
• Positive punishment means adding a consequence, such as assigning extra chores to your child.
• Negative punishment means removing a privilege; in this case, you might tell your child that they can’t hang out with their friend, even if they beg you to let them do the chores.

Other Child Behavior Modification Techniques

Using one or more of the four main techniques is essential in ending a child’s misbehavior. Other tools can be helpful, too, such as:

• Reward charts
• Token economy
• Behavior contracts
• Elimination

Reward charts and using a token economy lets kids earn stickers, stamps, or small tokens and turn them into a reward or privilege. These are examples of positive reinforcement. Some families use movie nights, game nights, a special dinner of the child’s choice, or other rewards that are meaningful to their child.

Behavior contracts work well with kids in mid- to upper elementary school and middle school. Kids are empowered and more willing to cooperate because they have input into their responsibilities and rules. Parents must uphold their end of the contract by following through on reinforcements.

When you use elimination for child behavior modification, you don’t react to your child when they misbehave. You deny them the attention and permission they want. When kids discover that parents won’t back down and will simply ignore their behavior, they eventually stop doing what you don’t like. You’ve eliminated their behavior.

Tips for Child Behavior Modification

These tips strengthen behavior modification techniques and help create success:

• Focus on the behavior. Rather than looking for a child’s reason for misbehaving, child behavior modification involves attending only to the undesirable behavior.
• Consistency is key. To make good behavior a habit requires persistence and repetition. Regardless of which techniques you choose to use, it’s important to use them every single time your child uses the behavior you want to stop.
• Use lots of encouragement. Deliberately catch your child using good behavior and praise them for it. You can also reward them with simple little things to reinforce the behavior. (Note that behavior modification isn’t about buying kids things for being good. This is not desirable.)
• Be clear. Talk to your child about the behaviors you expect.
• Establish a daily routine. This helps kids know what’s expected of them and when.

Regarding which behavior modification techniques might best help your child, the answer isn’t absolute. The above techniques are all used in child behavior modification to help kids learn to meet expectations at home and school. Each child, each family, is different. Select your options based on your unique child and your own personality. Whatever you choose, stick with it consistently. With child behavior modification, your child will learn to meet your expectations.

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