Cyberbullying: How to Protect Your Child From Cyberbullies

Cyberbullying is prevalent and dangerous. Learn how to protect your child from cyberbullying and what to do when a cyberbully strikes.

The children of the 21st century live in a world where the use of the Internet and wireless technology is ubiquitous and considered necessary, as early as Grade 1. Those children whose parents are not rushing to equip them with the latest toys on the market eventually give in to peer pressure and join the army of button pressing, self-absorbed youngsters. From the conversations I have had with my young patients, I am amazed at how fast new technology is able to change the lifestyles, social interactions, and the ways of thinking of today’s children and adolescents. Most parents simply have a hard time keeping up.

These new developments bring about a host of new problems, such as dependency, lack of real interactions and poor social skills, loss of attention/concentration, as well as cyberbullying. Participation in social networks has become a key to peer acceptance and children often use this point as an argument with parents who are considering limiting their child’s internet usage. The parents may become reluctant to prohibit participation in social networks out of fear that their child will be alienated from the peer group. (Read: What Parents Need to Know About Bullying) Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to this dilemma. Each family has to make their own decision about when, how much, and under what conditions each online activity can be allowed. The best advice we can give to parents is to be informed about the potential dangers, to be closely tuned in to their kids and to take preventive measures.

Should Children Deal with Cyberbullying Alone

Many parents believe that they should not intervene if there is a problem but rather to allow their children to resolve their issues themselves. They believe this may help the child learn to deal with adversity and prepare for real life. The problem is that cyberbullying can take much more severe forms than traditional face-to-face bullying and the child has no escape from it. Cyberbullying is a very serious problem that has already resulted in several teenage deaths over the past years.

It is most severe among teenage girls but some boys are also affected, either as victims or as bullies. Being hidden from the eyes of the victim, any type of bully feels anonymous and invincible and thus may go for a much more serious assault than in face-to-face interaction. I was asked several times to help in situations where cyberbullying has taken place. In all of these cases, the parents found out about the bullying incidentally-their children avoided sharing it with them. Indeed, research indicates that children do not complain about this problem to their parents because they are afraid that the parents will restrict their internet or phone usage, blame them, over-react, under-react, or won’t understand the problem. Because of this, it is up to parents to keep their eyes open for the telltale signs of bullying.

Signs of Cyberbullying in Children

The most common signs of cyber-bullying in children are:

  • A changed attitude towards technology: the child is either hesitant to go online or spends longer hours at the computer.
  • The child seems upset after using the computer or cell phone.
  • Nervousness when receiving texts, e-mails, or instant messages.
  • The child hides or clears the computer screen or closes his cell phone when you enter.
  • Withdrawal from friends.
  • The child falls behind in schoolwork.
  • Fear of going to school or to social events (birthdays, school trips, outings).
  • A visible change in personality, behavior or mood.
  • A change in sleep pattern and appetite.
  • Aggressive behavior.
  • A sudden change of friends.
  • Withdrawn, sad, anxious, or agitated mood.

Of all these signs, the biggest red flag is a sudden withdrawal from technology. You can read more about the effects of bullying on your child here.

A major key to supporting your child is to maintain ongoing open communication. If you are dealing with a teenager, this might not be so easy. Parents need to find a way to spend some quality time with their children. Having fun together will relax the child and make them more comfortable discussing all kinds of things. It is important to have conversations about different topics, specifically about those that interest your child. Many children, and especially teenagers, do not like to talk to their parents because the parents mostly talk about school, problems, and often educate or criticize their children. Try to reverse the roles: ask questions and let the child educate you about something that they know better (perhaps new technology). Show curiosity and try to avoid teaching or criticizing. Make positive comments about your child. Children are more likely to enjoy this type of conversation and will be more enthusiastic to interact with you.

Discussing Cyberbullying With Your Child

It is important to talk to your children about cyberbullying and assure them that they will not be punished if they share any information with you regarding inappropriate use of technology, whether it concerns them or someone else. Most kids do not understand the potential dangers of posting personal information such as addresses, phone numbers, photos, and videos online. They need to understand that these can be used maliciously if they fall into the hands of a bully and that, once posted, the information cannot be removed. Some guidelines to prevent bullying can be printed and taped to the wall or desk in your child’s room:

  • Be careful with your online connections. Only add people you know to buddy lists, social networking profiles, and blogs.
  • Avoid public chat rooms that do not have some sort of security in place.
  • Use your best judgment with the personal information and images you publish online. Exposing yourself makes you vulnerable and an easy target for cyberbullies.
  • Do not give your mobile number or e-mail address out to people who are not your friends.

Pass the following simple tips to your child to arm them with cyberbully beating tools:

  • Tell someone what is happening. If it is happening at school, get your teacher or a guidance counselor involved. If it is happening at home, go to your parents. Do not face it alone.
  • Use blocking features. If you start getting bullied, block the bully, or inform the site administrator of what is happening so that they can remove the bully’s profile.
  • Adjust your security settings. This will make it more difficult for them to bully you.
  • Threaten action. Warn the person that you will inform the police if they do not stop. Save the bullying messages as proof of their activity. Report them if this does not help. Many police departments now have entire units devoted to investigating cyberbullying. (A useful checklist to determine when to involve law enforcement officers is available at www.stopcyberbullying.org/parents/telling_the_difference.html).

Forms of Cyberbullying

Educate yourself and your child about the different forms of cyberbullying. Currently, the most common forms are:

Cyberstalking - This form of cyberbullying is characterized by repeated intimidating messages sent to a victim by the cyberbully. These messages are meant to instill fear in the victim and may threaten to move from online to in-person stalking.

Sexting (a portmanteau of sex and texting) - This has recently become the most alarming and widespread form of cyberbullying. The victims, usually young girls, are coerced to send their nude or sexually provocative photos or videos to a real or virtual boyfriend, and this information is later shared or posted publicly.

Masquerading and impersonation - This is one of the most elaborate forms of cyberbullying where the bully creates a false identity and pretends to be someone they are not. The bully may steal usernames and passwords to log in to another person's social networking account and use their profile to spread gossip, rumors, or humiliating information.

Flaming - The cyber-bully insults and provokes the victim over instant messages, email, Facebook, or chat rooms.

Outing - A form of cyberbullying where one shares the victim’s private information or recorded private call or conversation on a public website or via instant messages. The goal is to ridicule and embarrass the targeted individual.

Exclusion - The victim is intentionally singled out and excluded from a certain online group.

Children with Mental Illness Cyberbully Targets

Research into why children get bullied and rejected confirms that children who suffer from mental illnesses, poor emotional awareness, and poor social skills are most likely to be involved in cyberbullying, either as victims or as perpetrators. If you have a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Autistic Spectrum Disorder or Developmental Disability, you should be especially vigilant. Children affected by these conditions may be prone to act impulsively and may be naïve when it comes to understanding social interactions. They may have a hard time socializing with peers and may rely on technology to compensate for that. Close parental control and preventive measures are particularly important with this group. Consider installing protective software on your child’s computer, such as McAfee Parental Controls, eMailTrackerPro or Predator Guard.

If you suspect or know that your child is involved in any sort of bullying activity, you must take immediate action. Let the school know that there is a problem and talk to other parents to get more information and alert them.

Today’s parents need to constantly update their skills in digital literacy, as well as the language of social media or “net lingo”. Sites such as www.netlingo.com can help you translate texting shorthand. 

About the author: Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Toronto. She is a member of the Canadian Psychological Association, the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and the Canadian Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology. Dr. Shenfield is a Clinical Director of Richmond Hill Psychology Center.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2022, January 11). Cyberbullying: How to Protect Your Child From Cyberbullies, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/bullies/cyberbullying-how-to-protect-your-child-from-cyberbullies

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

Where Can I Get Quick Parenting Help?

Parenting help is available when you need it. Check out these on-and-offline parenting resources and organizations on HealthyPlace.

Parenting help is available for you and all other moms and dads looking for a bit of support in raising children. Seeking help on parenting is a sign of strength and the desire to raise your kids in the best possible way so they have a strong foundation as they grow. Parenting help benefits the mental health and wellbeing of children and parents alike. There are different types of assistance available. Discover them below, and pick what resonates with you so you can get quick parenting help when you need it.

Types of Parenting Help Available

It’s a universal truth among parents: When you’re stressed-out as a parent, a bit of help can provide great relief. This applies to parents of newborns, teenagers, and everything in between. Topics are widespread, too. One parent might need some input on soothing diaper rash, another one could use information about teenagers with ADHD, and still another might need insights into picky eating.

Help is there for you no matter what you’re facing right now. The type you choose will depend on your situation, location, and personal preference. General options include:

Research has demonstrated that classes, coaching and other programs decrease parent stress and enhance their skills, confidence, competence, and effectiveness (Hardie-Williams, 2016). So how do you find this parenting help?

Finding the Parenting Help You Need

Coaching, classes, and other types of support programs are available online as well as in communities; however, communities differ in what parenting programs they offer. If classes, conferences, or parenting organizations don’t exist in your community, you can seek the same type of resources online and benefit just as much as you would in person.

Parent coaching is a service that is usually provided by a trained and certified parent coach. Coaches work one-on-one with clients to provide tips in a specific area or in general. Search online for parent coaches in your area. You can also work with a parent coach online via phone calls and messaging.  

Parenting classes and courses are instructional sessions where parents learn topic-specific information about child raising, such as discipline. Developmental stages, and more. You’ll have the information to refer to long after the class or course ends.

Parenting conferences, parenting workshops, parenting webinars. Also, available in-person and online conferences, workshops, and webinars provide education to parents to increase their knowledge and skillset for raising their children. These often present a wealth of information over several hours or days. Typically lead by parenting experts and professionals, these resources deliver rich, useful content.

  • Total Transformation This parenting workshop is a downloadable, self-paced guide to dealing with common problems like kids who don’t listen, defiance, and others. Topics also help parents remain calm, getting through to your child, and using consequences.
  • The Positive Parenting Conference offered annually by A Fine Parent, this online conference provides numerous programs taught by parenting experts. Experience the conference and emerge confident and ready to enhance your parenting experience.
  • Love and Logic offers parenting conferences, workshops, and classes

Parenting Organizations and Community-Based Programs are usually family-led as opposed to professional-led. Grass-roots resources like these help parents feel understood and at-ease as they receive help in parenting.

  • America’s Promise Alliance offers a list of 42 national parenting organizations. Each organization is dedicated to a different topic, and all provide parents with relevant information.
  • National Parenting Education Network (npen) is a directory that parents can use to locate parenting organizations in their state.
  • Love and Logic is an organization that provides parent resources, classes, conferences, and workshops. Browse their directory to learn about their specific parenting topics.

Locating and using these parent education resources will enhance family life for you and your kids. Once you take classes, workshops, and more, you’ll be your own best resource for your child. You’ll also have reliable, quick parenting help where and when you need it.

For quick inspiration, check out Parenting Quotes.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). Where Can I Get Quick Parenting Help?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-help/where-can-i-get-quick-parenting-help

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

What Are Child Behavior Problems?

Child behavior problems are disruptive and hard to deal with. Discover what types of behavior make up problem behavior and what to do about it, on HealthyPlace.

Child behavior problems are actions, often driven by emotions, a child does when upset. Problems can also encompass misbehavior that isn’t tied to emotional distress, such as bullying, lying, or disobeying. Knowing the definition of child behavior problems can help you understand and help your child.

To be considered “bad,” behavior must be outside of what is considered socially and culturally appropriate. Also, it’s crucial to look at a child’s behavior in the context of their age and developmental level. Tantrums in a toddler or preschooler are normal—frustrating, yes, but not a behavior issue. On the other hand, tantrums in a teenager are indeed troublesome. Child behavior problems, then, are actions that don’t fit typical behavior in the context of the child’s situation.

Child Behavior Problems vs Behavior Disorders

Parents often wonder, when they’re exasperated by their misbehaving child, exactly what behavior problems are. Then comes the million-dollar question: “Does my kid have a behavior disorder?” Problems and disorders are two very different experiences. Knowing the difference will help you know what you can do to help your child, yourself, and your whole family.  

Behavior disorders are diagnoseable illnesses. Their symptoms are intense, and they’re life-disruptive to the child and others. To be considered a disorder, the behaviors must be consistent and last for a specific amount of time. The length varies depending on the disorder, but a typical duration is six months of living with the symptoms before a diagnosis is made.
 
This list shows some of the more common behavior disorders. Some, such as ADHD or learning disorders, aren’t classified as behavior disorders, but they do cause disruptive behavior.

These disorders involve extreme and negative behaviors. They are much more than behavior problems. That said, parents dealing with their child’s behavior problems know all too well that they don’t need a diagnosable disorder to cause hardship in the home. A look into a definition of behavioral problems will clarify what is going on when kids chronically misbehave.

Children’s behavior is problematic when it’s disruptive. When kids regularly do things that don’t match the expectations of their family or school, their behavior is a problem. Types of behavior problems involve such things as:

  • Impulsivity
  • Disrespectful behavior (mocking, name-calling, etc.)
  • Whining
  • Tantrums beyond the preschool years
  • Defiance
  • Aggression
  • Lying
  • Emotional outbursts/meltdowns

When kids have behavior problems, their actions are bothersome and difficult. However, unlike behavior disorders, behavior problems are temporary and will pass as they grow and develop. (For parents, teachers, and peers, though, the behavior does seem to drag on.). If they’re temporary, does that mean that parents should let them slide until their child outgrows them?

Child Behavior Problems and Solutions

While behavior problems are temporary and not part of who a child is, it’s important for parents to address them. Otherwise, they worsen. The behaviors can become a habit and much harder to deal with. Trying to break a child of their bad behavior habit often leads to power struggles and clashes.

Dealing with your kids when they begin to exhibit problem behavior is effective in stopping it. Establish clear rules and consequences, and stick to them consistently.

Approach your child with empathy, and seek to understand what’s driving their behavior. Uncovering the root helps you address the core of the behavior rather than just the actions. Adopt a cooperative attitude, which will communicate that you’re on your child’s side. Remaining calm even during an episode of the problem behavior will help reduce it because your child can’t manipulate you into giving them what they want.

Sometimes, a child’s problem behavior spirals out of control. It may or may not be developing into a behavior disorder. If your child’s actions begin to seriously disrupt family life, negatively affect their learning, or become violent, taking your child to see a pediatrician, child psychiatrist, or psychologist for evaluation will be helpful.  

Child behavior problems are difficult, but they don’t have to remain in control permanently. Remember that the behavior, not your child, is the problem to be fixed.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). What Are Child Behavior Problems?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/behavior-disorders/what-are-child-behavior-problems

Last Updated: January 17, 2022

Do Mom and Dad Still Have Differing Parental Roles?

Moms and dads used to have different parental roles. That’s changing for the better. Read this to learn about parenting roles of moms and dads.

Parental roles refer to what parents do to raise their children and meet their needs. Children grow, develop, and change as they pass through each stage. Each child in a family is unique with different personalities, temperaments, interests, and abilities. Thus, parental roles are multifaceted and complex. Further, in an ever-changing society, kids need strong parental involvement. Parenting roles in child development are crucial. This begs an important question: Do moms and dads have the same roles or do they have differing parental roles?

In the past, moms and dads had distinct roles, and they were rather rigidly segmented. Mom did this, dad did that, and there was little crossover. Traditionally, the mother was the nurturer and caretaker. She was the parent who interacted with the children. The father, in contrast, was the financial provider, disciplinarian with the ultimate authority, and decision-maker whose word went unquestioned.

Regarding parenting roles, times have changed for the better. In many households, moms and dads share the same roles; also, in society’s eyes, they have equal value. Let’s explore what specific parenting roles are, and how dads and moms fulfill those tasks.

Parental Roles for All Parents

Parents help and support their kids as they grow from newborn baby to young adult. Kids have universal needs that must be met for optimum development and success. Some parental roles in child development that must be met for good parenting, whether it’s by mom, dad, or both, include:

  • Providing shelter, food, clothing, and other basic physical needs
  • Nurturing through love, attention and dedicated time, and support in all that they do and who they are
  • Creating structure and routine that kids can trust and rely on
  • Giving guidance
  • Teaching respect, responsibility, social skills, and other life competencies
  • Ensuring medical, dental, and mental health care
  • Playing a part in their children’s learning; parental roles in education are being role models for learning, promoting a love of learning and a sense of curiosity, providing a space and time for homework, reading together, and more
  • Helping them over the bumps of life so they can move forward positively and be emotionally healthy children
  • Maintaining a healthy balance between nurturing and structure

These are a few of the roles that parents need to play. In the past, most of these duties fell to mothers. Fathers provided financially and ensured that basic needs—food, shelter, clothing, and anything else required to stay alive—were met. Mothers did everything else. Fathers were the distant parents; mothers were the hands-on parents.

Now, the line is blurred. Mothers can and do provide for the family financially. Fathers can and do play a more interactive role with their kids. In many cases, a mother’s role as nurturer hasn’t changed even for those who have jobs and careers. It’s the father’s parenting role that has changed most drastically.

Dads’ Evolving Parenting Roles

Fathers are becoming increasingly involved in child-raising. With changing social norms, men are finding that they can take on different roles in their family. Dads and moms are becoming equal partners in the lives and development of their kids.

Fathers are now able to enjoy being a:

  • Protector
  • Provider
  • Teacher
  • Listener
  • Trainer/talent developer
  • Playmate
  • Nurturer
  • Supporter
  • Skill builder
  • Role model for both sons and daughters
  • Behavior shaper
  • Self-esteem enhancer
  • Cognitive developer
  • Academic encourager
  • Behavior modifier

This is great news for kids. According to the Child & Family Research Partnership (2017), children whose fathers are involved in their lives are

  • 39% more likely to earn mostly As in school
  • 45% less likely to repeat a grade
  • 60% less likely to be suspended or expelled from school
  • 2 times as likely to go to college and find stable employment
  • 75% less likely to have a baby as a teenager (either fathering one or mothering one)
  • 80% less likely to spend time in jail

Clearly, fathers are important. Their expanded parental role is a positive influence on the family.

Moms and Dads are Equally Important

Kids need love, nurturing, structure, and simply parental involvement. Mothers and fathers have parenting roles that equally impact the healthy growth of their children.

Sometimes, moms and dads fulfill similar parenting roles differently. Kids need time to play with their parents, for example. Both moms and dads can do that, but they do it differently. That is perfectly fine. It truly doesn’t matter what interaction or parenting style parents use or how they divide their tasks. What matters most is that both moms and dads are involved with their kids.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). Do Mom and Dad Still Have Differing Parental Roles?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-skills-strategies/do-mom-and-dad-still-have-differing-parental-roles

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Is Turning to Social Media for Teen Suicide Help A Good Idea?

Social media, like Facebook and Twitter, is a common way that teens communicate with their peers, but is turning to social media for teen suicide help a good idea? Are social media platforms equipped to deal with teen suicidal urges and offer teen suicide help? Unfortunately, most would say the answer is, "no."

Posting Suicidal Feelings on Social Media

Many teens post multiple social media status updates on sites like Facebook or Instagram each day and if a teen is feeling depressed or suicidal, their social media followers or friends may be the first to know. In fact, some people even go so far as to post a suicide note or, in rare extreme cases, stream a suicide live.

Unfortunately, this doesn't always result in teen suicide help. In fact, sometimes posting suicidal feelings can elicit uncaring, trite or even antagonistic responses. Such responses might include, "get over it," "you don't really mean that" or even, "just do it already."

These types of responses, or no response at all, can make a suicidal teen feel even worse and can actually endanger the life of the teen.

For Teen Suicide Help, Who Should You Turn To?

Reaching out, if suicidal, is always a good idea, but knowing who to reach out to for teen suicide help is critical. Someone who is acutely suicidal should always reach out to a professional and not just peers on a social media site. While friends and followers can provide support, they are not in a position to provide the suicide help that a teen needs.

If you are feeling suicidal call a helpline, talk to a professional such as a doctor or therapist, go to an emergency room or even call 9-1-1.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 is staffed with professionals who are available to speak with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

If Someone You Know on Social Media Needs Teen Suicide Help

If you know someone on social media who is actively suicidal, never offer trite responses and never urge them to do it. People who threaten suicide should always be taken seriously.

Here are some things to try if someone is in need of teen suicide help on social media:

  1. Try to get the person to call a helpline or contact another professional immediately. Offer them helpline numbers, such as the above number for The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
  2. If the person refuses to get help and says they will continue with their suicide attempt, call 9-1-1 immediately and report it if you have the contact details for the individual.
  3. If you don't have contact details for the individual, some social media sites, like Facebook, allow you to report suicidal content and then offer their own teen suicide help. On Facebook, go here to report suicidal content

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2022, January 11). Is Turning to Social Media for Teen Suicide Help A Good Idea?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/is-turning-to-social-media-for-teen-suicide-help-a-good-idea

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

A Suicide: No Warning Of Her Decision To End Her Life

To the casual observer, Kaitlin seemed to be dealing well with the death of her boyfriend. What most people didn't know was that Kaitlin, whose name has been changed to protect her anonymity, was quite an actress. The void and her depression were eating away at her, but she found that a bright smile and an occasional "I'm fine" deterred the suspicious from prying. Her excessive loss of weight stirred some uneasy jokes among her friends, but not knowing what to do, they hoped that it was just a phase and would pass.

It didn't. The walls of reasoning and sanity inside Kaitlin gradually deteriorated and came tumbling down with an eerie echo of finality nine months after her boyfriend's death.

No Warning

Kaitlin, like many other suicide victims, gave little actual forewarning of her decision to end her life. While in many cases, family members and friends may notice a change in behavior, the hints a victim gives—long bouts of withdrawal and depression and offhand remarks about suicide—often become obvious only after it is too late.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that every year, about 5,000 young people fall to the feelings of intense despair and pain and commit suicide. That's about 5.5 of every 100,000 people under age 25. Young white males have the highest suicide rate, but the percentage of young black males is rising precipitously. Many more teens try to kill themselves. Though these figures are startling, what is even more shocking is that you may know someone who is considering this desperate way out.

What To Look For

How would you know?

Anyone who has made a previous suicide attempt is considered a high risk to try again. Anyone who talks about suicide or death should be taken seriously, especially if an event like the death of Kaitlin's boyfriend may be prompting this talk.

Other signs to look for are: sudden changes in personality or mood, sudden happiness immediately after a long bout of severe depression; extreme changes in eating and sleeping; withdrawal from friends and activities or indifference to drifting friendships; drug abuse; and giving away prized possessions.

Caring about a severely depressed person can change his or her outlook on life. Remember that a suicide attempt is not an attempt to end life, but to end pain. If a person knows that someone cares about him and wants him to live, he may see hope in what he once thought was a bleak future.

Seek help from counselors, teachers or parents. There are risks you take with each choice you make. Your friend may become angry that you took matters into your own hands and consulted an adult, but time heals and you'll have the rest of your lives to make up. If not, you'll have the rest of your life to feel overwhelming guilt at not taking that small risk to save a friend.

Contributed by Seo Hee Koh

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2022, January 11). A Suicide: No Warning Of Her Decision To End Her Life, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/suicide-no-warning-of-her-decision-to-end-her-life

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Parenting the Sexually Abused Child

Written for prospective and adoptive parents, this fact sheet describes the effects of sexual abuse and provides recommendations for caring for sexually abused children. Topics covered include the physical and behavioral signs of abuse, issues for boys, contributors to juvenile sex offending, and typical reactions to abuse. Bonding in the adoptive family also is discussed. The fact sheet provides a list of recommended publications for parents and professionals.

Table of Contents

  1. Parenting the Sexually Abused Child
  2. What is Child Sexual Abuse?
  3. How Often Does Child Sexual Abuse Occur?
  4. What Behaviors or Signs Might You See in a Child Who has been Sexually Abused?
  5. Are All Children Affected Equally by Child Sexual Abuse?
  6. Do Boys Who Are Abused have Special Issues?
  7. What About Juvenile Sex Offenders?
  8. What Do Parents Need to Know When Adopting a Child Who has Experienced Sexual Abuse?
  9. Will Our Child Need Professional Help?
  10. Is the Healing Ever Completed?

1. Parenting the Sexually Abused Child

As a prospective adoptive parent, you may have some valid concerns about sexual abuse. You may wonder what the special needs are of children who have been sexually abused and whether you will be able to meet those needs. By acquiring more knowledge, you will feel more confident in taking on the challenges and rewards of adopting a child with special needs.

Many parents who have already adopted sexually abused children feel that their greatest obstacle was lack of information about sexual abuse in general; about their particular child's history; and about helpful resources such as support groups, skilled therapists and sensitive reading materials. This article will provide you with some basic information about child sexual abuse as well as some special considerations for parents who adopt these children.

2. What Is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse is any forced or tricked sexual contact by an adult or older child with a child. Usually, the adult or older child is in a position of power or authority over the child. Physical force is generally not used since there is usually a trusting relationship between the adult or older child and the child who is abused.

There are various types of sexual activity which may take place. It can include open mouth kissing, touching, fondling, manipulation of the genitals, anus or breasts with fingers, lips, tongue or with an object. It may include intercourse. Children may not have been touched themselves but may have been forced to perform sexual acts on an adult or older child. Sometimes children are forced or tricked into disrobing for photography or are made to have sexual contact with other children while adults watch.

Child sexual abuse does not always involve physical touching. It can include any experience or attitude imposed on a child that gets in the way of the development of healthy sexual responses or behaviors. For example, a child may be a victim of "emotional incest." If a mother tells her son, in great detail, about her sexual exploits, or if a father promises his daughter that she will be his life partner when she turns 18, these would be scenarios in which the child could be considered sexually abused. Siblings who are aware of a brother or sister's victimization, but are not actually abused themselves, may also suffer many of the same effects as an abused child.

In addition, some children experience ritualistic and/or satanic abuse. Ken Wooden, the founder of the National Coalition for Children's Justice, defines ritualistic abuse as a bizarre, systematic continuing abuse which is mentally, physically, and sexually abusive of children, and for the purpose of implanting evil.

3. How Often Does Child Sexual Abuse Occur?

Estimates are that approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 8 boys experience sexual abuse in some way before they are 18. Data on how many of these children live in foster or adoptive homes are not available. Foster care and adoption social workers are now saying they believe the percentages of boys and girls in foster care who have been sexually abused are much higher than in the general population, perhaps as high as 75%. Many came into foster care initially because of sexual abuse and others are children who were re-victimized while in foster care, either by an older foster child or by an adult.

4. What Behaviors or Signs Might You See in a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused?

While no one sign or behavior can be considered absolute proof that sexual abuse has occurred, you should consider the possibility of sexual abuse when one or several of these signs or behaviors are present.

Physical Signs

  • Scratches, bruises, itching, rashes, cuts or injuries, especially in the genital area
  • Venereal disease
  • Pregnancy in (young) adolescents
  • Blood or discharge in bedding or clothes, especially underwear

Behavioral Signs

  • Aggressive behavior towards younger children
  • Advanced sexual knowledge for the child's age
  • Seductive or "sexy" behavior towards adults or peers
  • Pseudo-mature behavior (for instance, a girl who is eight and dresses like a 16-year-old, wears makeup and generally acts "too old for her age," or a young boy who attempts to be his mother's "man" in every sense of the word)
  • Regressed behavior (for example, the child who has been toilet trained starts wetting the bed)
  • Excessive masturbation, masturbation in public places, difficulty with being re-focused to another behavior
  • Poor relationships with peers
  • Fear of a particular person, place or thing (for example, if the abuse occurred in the bathroom, the child may show fear in that room)
  • Sudden or extreme changes in behavior (for instance, a previously good student starts having trouble with school work, a child who was not sad before starts crying frequently or acting sad, or a formerly cooperative child acts defiantly or is uncooperative or unusually overly cooperative)
  • Eating disorders (overeats, undereats)

Additional Behavioral Signs in Pre-teens and Adolescents

  • Self-mutilation (the child may repeatedly pick at scabs, cut him/herself with a razor blade, bite his/her finger or arm, burn him/herself with a cigarette)
  • Threatening or attempting suicide
  • Using drugs or alcohol
  • Becoming promiscuous (a child is sexually active without discrimination, or just has that reputation)
  • Being prudish (the child avoids any sexuality, does not see him/herself as a sexual being in any way)
  • Prostitution
  • Fire-setting
  • Lying, stealing
  • Running away
  • Isolating self or dropping friends
  • Pre-occupation with death (the child may write poems about death, may ask a lot of questions about death, such as "What does it feel like and where do people go?")

Some Additional Behavioral Signs in Children Who Have Been Ritualistically/Satanically Abused

  • Bizarre nightmares
  • Sadistic play (for example, mutilation of dolls or small animals)
  • Self-mutilation
  • Pre-occupation with death
  • Increased agitation on certain dates which represent satanic high holy days
  • A constant fear of harm and extreme fear of being alone

5. Are All Children Affected Equally by Child Sexual Abuse?

There is a myth that all children who have been sexually abused are "damaged goods" and that the damage is for life. In fact, with guidance and support a child who has experienced sexual abuse can certainly recover and go on to live a happy, successful life with loving and trusting relationships. However, there are many factors which influence the extent of the child's trauma and subsequent healing process. Some of these are:

The age of the child when the abuse began. Children abused very early in life may carry body or sensory memories of the abuse but will not have the words to express their rage. One adult survivor of sexual abuse figured out, with the help of therapy, that the reason she became sexually stimulated when she heard and felt a room fan was because a fan had always been on when she was molested as a child. Children who are abused pre-pubescently, during the time when their sexuality is emerging, may carry greater effects of the abuse.

The relationship of the primary perpetrator to the child. A child's trust of his/her primary caretaker is central to their relationship. Therefore, when abuse occurs in this context, the betrayal is intensified.

How long the abuse occurred. The longer the abuse occurred, the more likely the victim is to feel that he/she should have been able to stop it and thus he or she feels more "guilty."

Whether there was violence involved. In most cases where the abuse included violence or potential violence (that is, the victim was made to understand that without cooperation there would be violence) the child will have experienced additional trauma and therefore damage to his/her development

The social system available to the child at the time of abuse. The child who had someone to tell about the abuse will suffer less than the child who had no one to tell. And even in some cases where the support system is available, the child may choose not to tell for fear of the consequences. For example, the child may think, "If I tell my father that my brother is abusing me and he believes me, then my father may do something drastic like hurt my brother or send me to jail."

When children reveal their secrets, the response of adults will vary. It is important to stay as calm as possible so as not to further traumatize the child. The rage you may feel is natural, but the child may perceive that it is directed at him or her. The child needs a safe, supportive atmosphere in which to talk. Children also benefit enormously from hearing that this has happened to other children, male and female.

Ego development of the child at the time of the abuse. If the child has a firmly established concept of his or her sexual identity, the abuse will have less impact. Children who are abused by a same sex perpetrator often have deeply felt fears about whether this means they are homosexual. One way in which parents can help allay this fear is to explain that our bodies have many nerve endings. If these nerve endings are stimulated, they will react. For example, if a bright light hits your eyes, your first response will be to blink or to shade them from the light. A simple concept to use with children is that of tickling. If a child is ticklish, he or she will laugh when tickled. It does not matter whether the person tickling is male or female; the child is reacting to the experience.

If the perpetrator is of the opposite sex, questions of identity may also come into play. For example a boy who is abused by a woman and is not aroused, may doubt his masculinity. If he is aroused physically, but not emotionally, he may equally doubt his masculinity. The same identity issues for girls may hold true.

If the child has a positive self-concept, that is, if he or she feels valued at the time the abuse occurred, there will be fewer repercussions. In fact, children with good self-esteem are more likely to feel they can say no and/or tell someone about the abuse.

6. Do Boys Who Are Abused Have Special Issues?

Boys who are sexually abused face some additional problems because of persistent myths in our society. Males are rarely viewed as fitting the victim role. When boys get hurt, they are often told "act like a man," "don't be a sissy," "control your emotions." The message to boys is to stand on their own two feet and to take care of themselves. Under these circumstances, a male victim is less likely to tell and therefore cannot begin a healing process. This increases the chances that he may take on the role of the victimizer in an attempt to master his own experience.

A further complication for boys is that the media portray boys who have sexual experiences with older women as going through a "rite of passage" rather than as victims of sexual exploitation. Movies such as "Summer of '42" and "Get Out Your Handkerchiefs" are prime examples of this.

7. What About Juvenile Sex Offenders?

Some children who have been sexually abused go on to abuse other children. While this is a serious problem, the exact percentage of sexual abuse victims who become abusers is not known.

It is important to realize that these children are victims as well as offenders and need to receive counseling from qualified therapists who understand both aspects of the problem. The therapist must be able to be empathic and understanding of the "victim" but confrontational with the "victimizer."

Victimizers have triggers that precede their behavior. For example, a child may abuse another child when he or she finds him or herself in a vulnerable or stressful situation. Sometimes this is because he or she lacks control or power. This may be when the child gets called a name at school or believes he or she is being punished unfairly. The therapist must help the child to not only recognize his/her own individual triggers but also, to understand the consequences of acting out these impulses.

In other instances, past experiences have left the child overly sexually stimulated. The child needs education and suggestions of alternative positive behaviors to replace the sexually victimizing behavior.

8. What Do Parents Need to Know When Adopting a Child Who Has Experienced Sexual Abuse?

Parents who adopt children who have experienced sexual abuse need the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules and the patience of Mother Theresa. If you fall short in any of these areas, do not despair. You are in good company. Perhaps, more important is your desire to help a young person grow into a healthy, trusting adult. This is a privilege and one which brings real satisfaction to those who have adopted.

What Do Parents Need to be Aware of About Themselves?

It is very important for you as prospective adoptive parents to be honest with yourselves and with your adoption worker about a number of things:

Is there a history of sexual abuse in either the mother or father's past? If there is, how were those experiences resolved? Did you decide to "just forget about it" and chalk it up as one of those things that just happened? Or did you get help, from your parents, a teacher, a minister, a therapist or someone who could help you work through your feelings about having been abused? Parents with unresolved abuse experiences in their history may be at greater risk for either abusing the child again, or for keeping too much physical and emotional distance, for fear of abusing the child. Parent/Survivors in local support groups regularly address these phenomena.

How comfortable are you as prospective parents, with your own sexuality and with your sexual relationship(s)? Can you talk comfortably about sex? Do you give yourselves permission to acknowledge your own sexual feelings, thoughts, fantasies and fears? Do you have a well-established relationship which allows for direct and open communication? A child who has been sexually abused may need to talk about what happened to him or her. The child's behavior may be seductive or blatantly sexual at times. A parent must be able to deal with this.

In addition, there are some other issues that are important for adoptive parents to consider. They are:

A willingness to "be different," or experience embarrassing situations, at least for a while. Children who have been sexually abused may behave toward their adoptive parents in ways which are different than non-abused children. For example, Lisa, age 8, began shouting loudly, in public places like the supermarket, that her father had abused her. In fact, it was her biological father and not her adoptive father who had abused her, but the strangers in the supermarket obviously did not make the distinction.

An ability to wait for the child's commitment while not putting off making your own. An abused child is often untrusting and tied to the past. A child may repeatedly test your commitment to him or her. She or he may feel that if you really and truly saw her or him as they are, with all the scars, that you would not really want him or her.

Many parents have the hope that their love will immediately ease the mistrust their child has of the world and all its adults. What one adoptive parent learned was "love has a different meaning for my daughter. To her, it's simply a deal: You do this for me and I'll do that for you. What a shock to discover that love is not enough." A true, trusting love based on more than just bargaining can come to pass with a sexually abused child, but it will take time, consistency and patience.

A sense of humor. As with most situations in life, a good hearty laugh helps.

What Do Parents Need to be Aware of About Their Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused

Children who have experienced sexual abuse will probably need help in learning new behaviors and ways of relating. Some of the behaviors and emotions you may see expressed by your child are:

Withdrawal: Overwhelmed by the feelings she or he has experienced, the child may retreat physically or emotionally. As a parent, you may feel confused or resentful. It can be very isolating to have someone close to you tune you out. Unless you think there is danger of physical harm to the child or others, the best course of action is to reassure the child that you care and that you will provide the limits and boundaries that your child needs.

Mood Swings: A moment's tenderness can quickly explode into anger. The child may be full of confidence one day, only to sink into despair the next. It is difficult to see someone you care about in pain, but you cannot control the feelings of someone else. Point out that these mood swings are occurring. Do not allow yourself to be unfairly blamed. Try to stay calm and accepting that sometimes the child does not even know when or why his/her mood swings are occurring. Crying jags can be part of these mood swings. Accept that it is beyond your power to make it all better. Sometimes when a parent tries to rescue a child from his or her pain, he or she ends up feeling guilty, resentful and frustrated when it does not work. When a caterpillar is emerging from the cocoon, it must have a period of time to build strength in its wings. If the butterfly is released from its cocoon before its time, its strength will be diminished and it will not be able to survive on its own.

Anger: The first target for the child's angry feelings may be the person he or she has come to feel the safest with -- you. When a person's angry feelings are completely out of proportion to what is going on, it probably has nothing to do with the present situation. Something in the present is triggering and re-stimulating old memories and feelings. The safety of the current situation allows these feelings to be expressed. Recognize that this is actually a sign of health, but do not accept unacceptable behavior; and never expose yourself to physical violence.

You can assure your child that you are willing to work out the problem at hand, but in a safe and supportive manner. For example, a child may be offered a pillow to beat on in order to vent his or her anger.

Unreasonable Demands: Some children learn the survival skills of manipulation and control. They may feel entitled to make unreasonable demands for time, money or material goods. It is important not to play into or get trapped by these demands. You need to maintain a healthy relationship with your child. This will help the child reduce these demands.

Sexual Behaviors: Since the abuse was acted out sexually, the child needs help in sorting out the meaning of abuse, sex, love, caring and intimacy. Some children may try to demand sexual activity, while others may lose interest in any form of closeness. Think of all the needs that are met through sex: intimacy, touch, validation, companionship, affection, love, release, nurturance. Children need to be re-taught ways that these needs can be met that are not sexual.

A child who has been sexually abused may feel:

  • I am worthless and bad
  • No person could care for me without a sexual relationship
  • I am "damaged goods" (no one will want me again)
  • I must have been responsible for the sexual abuse because
    • it sometimes felt good physically
    • it went on so long
    • I never said "no"
    • I really wasn't forced into it
    • I never told anyone
  • I hate my body
  • I am uncomfortable with being touched because it reminds me of the abuse
  • I think I was abused but sometimes I think I must have imagined it
  • I blame my (biological) mother or father for not protecting me but I can't talk about it; I don't want to hurt him/her

A child who has been sexually abused will benefit from clear guidelines that set the rules both in the home and outside. These kinds of rules will help provide the structure, comfort and security which all children need to grow into healthy adults.

Experts in the field of adoption and child sexual abuse believe these guidelines are particularly important during the first year after placement, when the child is working hard to establish new relationships with his/her adoptive family and to build trust.

The following guidelines address topics with specific reference to children who have been sexually abused.

Privacy: Everyone has a right to privacy. Children should be taught to knock when a door is closed and adults need to role model the same behavior.

Bedrooms and Bathrooms: These two locations are often prime stimuli for children who have been sexually abused, since abuse commonly occurs in these rooms.

By the time children enter first grade, caution should be used about children of the opposite sex sharing bedrooms or bath times.

It is not advisable to bring a child who has been sexually abused into your bed. Cuddling may be overstimulating and misinterpreted. A safer place to cuddle may be the living room couch.

Touching: No one should touch another person without permission. A person's private parts (the area covered by a bathing suit) should not be touched except during a medical examination or, in the case of young children, if they need help with bathing or toileting.

Clothing: It is a good idea for family members to be conscious of what they wear outside of the bedroom. Seeing others in their underclothes or pajamas may be overstimulating to a child who has been sexually abused.

Saying "No": Children need to learn that it is their right to assertively say "no" when someone touches them in a way they do not like. Help them to practice this.

Sex Education: All children, including the child who has been sexually abused, need basic information about how they develop sexually. They also will benefit from an atmosphere in which it is OK to talk about sex. Appropriate words for body parts, such as penis, vagina, breasts and buttocks, will give the child the words to describe what happened to him or her. Suggestive or obscene language is sometimes a trigger for old feelings for a child who was sexually abused, and should not be allowed.

No "Secrets": Make it clear that no secret games, particularly with adults, are allowed. Tell children if an adult suggests such a game, they should tell you immediately.

Being Alone With One Other Person: If your child is behaving seductively, aggressively or in a sexually acting out manner, these are high risk situations. During those times, it is advisable not to put yourself in the vulnerable position of being accused of abuse. In addition, other children may be in jeopardy of being abused. Therefore, whenever possible during these high risk situations, try not to be alone with your child or allow him/her to be alone with only one other child.

Wrestling and Tickling: As common and normal as these childhood behaviors are, they are often tinged with sexual overtones. They can put the weaker child in an overpowered and uncomfortable or humiliating position. Keep tickling and wrestling to a minimum.

Behaviors and Feelings: Help children differentiate between feelings and behaviors. It is normal to have all kinds of feelings, including sexual feelings. However, everyone does not always act on all the feelings he or she has. Everyone has choices about which feelings he or she acts on, and everyone (except very young children) must take responsibility for his or her own behavior.

9. Will Our Child and Family Need Professional Help?

It is very likely that at some time or other parents of a child who was sexually abused will need professional help and support for themselves and their child. The type of therapy that will be the most helpful, that is, individual, couple or family therapy, will depend on a family's particular situation. When a child is being seen in individual therapy, it is important that the parents, who have the primary responsibility for the child, be in close contact with the therapist, or included in the therapy. Try to choose a therapist who is knowledgeable about both sexual abuse and adoption issues and with whom you feel comfortable. If parents are not familiar with the therapy resources in their area, they may want to ask their adoption agency or local mental health center for a referral. There are also some resources listed at the end of this paper which may be helpful with referrals to therapists who are knowledgeable about sexual abuse.

Support groups for adoptive parents or sexually abused children and support groups for victims/survivors are another helpful resource. Adoptive parents who have had a chance to talk with others who understand the experience of parenting a sexually abused child say that this kind of sharing is very useful. Dr. Nicholas Groth, a leading psychologist in the field of sexual abuse, along with many children and adult victims/survivors, say that groups for children can be most effective in the healing process. The opportunity to talk and share with other children who have also experienced sexual abuse reduces a child's sense of isolation and belief that he/she is the only one to whom this has ever happened.

10. Is the Healing Ever Completed?

Recovery from child sexual abuse is an on-going process. As this process unfolds, the child will ideally move from victim to survivor to thriver. Developmental stages, particularly adolescence and young adulthood, may trigger old feelings about the abuse. For example, the time when an adolescent's body begins to develop physically, or when he or she marries, or becomes a parent may restimulate old feelings and memories.

As discussed earlier, so many factors can influence the extent of the damage to the abused child. While adoptive parents cannot erase what happened to their child earlier in his/her life, you have a wonderful opportunity to provide your child with new, healthier experiences. Those who have made the commitment to parenting a sexually abused child say that the rewards of helping a child grow into a healthy, vibrant adult are very satisfying indeed.

This paper was written for Child Welfare Information Gateway by Rosemary Narimanian of Philly Kids Play It Safe and Julie Marks of the National Adoption Center in 1990.

Recommended Readings

For Children

Freeman, Lory. It's My Body. Parenting Press, Inc., Seattle, WA, 1982.

Gil, Eliana. I Told My Secret: A Book for Kids Who Were Abused. Launch Press, California, 1986.

Hindman, Jan. A Very Touching Book...for Little People and for Big People. McClure-Hindman Associates, Durkee, OR, 1985.

Satullo, J. It Happens to Boys Too. RCC Berkshire Press, 1989.

Sweet, Phyllis. Something Happened to Me. Mother Courage Press, Racine, WI, 1981.

Sweet, Phyllis. Alice Doesn't Babysit Anymore. McGovern and Mulbacker, Oregon, 1985.


For Parents and Professionals

Bass, Ellen and Davis, Laura. The Courage to Heal, A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. Harper & Row, New York, 1988.

Father Flanagan's Boys Home. Sexually Abused Children in Foster Care. Boys Town, Nebraska. May be ordered by contacting Father Flanagan's Boy's Home, Boys Town Center, Family Based Programs, Boys Town, NE, 68010, 402.498.1310.

Gil, Eliana. Outgrowing the Pain. Launch Press, California, 1983.,

Gil, Eliana. Children Who Molest: A Guide for Parents of Young Sex Offenders. Launch Press, California, 1987.

Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse. Nevraumont Publishing Company, New York, 1988.

Maltz, Wendy and Holman, Beverly. Incest and Sexuality. Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1986.

McFadden, Emily Jean. Fostering the Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused. Eastern Michigan University, Ypsilanti, MI, 1986.

McFarlane, Kee and Cunningham, Carolyn. Steps to Healthy Touching: A Treatment Workbook for Kids 5-12 Who Have Problems With Sexually Inappropriate Behavior. Kidsrights, Mount Dora, FL, 1988.

Parents Anonymous of Delaware. All In My Family. Parents Anonymous, DE, 1987.

For Professionals

Burgess, Ann; Hartman, Carol; McCormick, Arlene; and Janus, Mark David. Adolescent Runaways, Causes and Consequences. Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1987.

Finkelhur, David. Child Sexual Abuse, New Theory & Research. The Free Press, New York, 1984.

James, Beverly. Treating Traumatized Children. Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1989.

James, Beverly and Nasjleti, Maria. Treating Sexually Abused Children and Their Families. Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc., Palo Alto, CA, 1983.

MacFarlane, Kee and Waterman, Jill. Sexual Abuse of Young Children. The Guildford Press, New York, 1986.

Sgroi, Suzanne. Handbook of Clinical Intervention in Child Sexual Abuse. Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1988.

Other Resources

The National Resource Center on Child Sexual Abuse provides information, resources and technical assistance to organizations and professionals on child sexual abuse. It publishes the "Round Table" Magazine and offers training for professionals. It also maintains lists of treatment programs for victims in various parts of the country. Write to the Center at 106 Lincoln Street, Huntsville, AL 35801, or call 205.533.KIDS (533.5437).

Child Welfare Information Gateway collects and disseminates information on child sexual abuse. It will do research upon request on a particular subject at a very low cost. It also has general publications which you can request. Write to Information Gateway at Child Welfare Information Gateway, Children's Bureau/ACYF, 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW, Eighth Floor, Washington DC 20024 or call at 800.394.3366. Website: http://www.childwelfare.gov/

Child Welfare Information Gateway maintains a list of adoption experts who have expertise in many areas of adoption, including the adoption of children who have experienced sexual abuse.

The C. Henry Kempe National Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect provides training, consultation, research and program development on all forms of abuse and neglect. Write to the Center at 1205 Oneida Street, Denver, CO 80220, or call at 303.321.3963.

The National Adolescent Perpetrator Network is housed at the C. Henry Kempe Center (see above). It can provide professionals and parents with a bibliography on juvenile sex offenders and with referrals to treatment programs for adolescent offenders. It also operates a Perpetration Prevention Project which provides training to professionals and paraprofessionals on "Understanding the Sexual Behavior of Children." Write to the Network at 1205 Oneida Street, Denver, CO 80220, or call at 303.321.3963.

The National Runaway Switchboard is a 24 hour crisis line for runaway youth and children considering running away. The Switchboard offers limited problem solving in a confidential, non-judgmental manner. It also offers a message service and a referral service for youth in need of shelter. Call 1.800.621.4000.

Sources:

  • Child Welfare Information Gateway (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2022, January 11). Parenting the Sexually Abused Child, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/abuse/parenting-the-sexually-abused-child

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Coping With Loss: Bereavement and Grief

Learn about coping with loss, bereavement and grief after the death of a loved one.

In our hearts, we all know that death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds us how precious life is.

Coping With Loss

The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally means "to be deprived by death."

Knowing What to Expect When a Death Occurs

When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.

Some emotions you may experience include:

  • Denial
  • Disbelief
  • Confusion
  • Shock
  • Sadness
  • Yearning
  • Anger
  • Humiliation
  • Despair
  • Guilt

These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate and will help you come to terms with your loss.

Remember: It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life. (Included in a call out box)

Mourning a Loved One

It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.

Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical expression, while depression is a psychological expression.

It is very important to allow yourself to express these feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.

Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute grief. Of all life's stresses, mourning can seriously test your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction to death.

Dealing with a Major Loss

The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died.

A child's death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice - for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child's death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity.

A spouse's death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family's main income source. The death may necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to work.

Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends.

A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. They may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.

Living with Grief

Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain.

  • Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
  • Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process.
  • Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
  • Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
  • Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.
  • Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
  • Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help work through your grief. It's a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

Helping Others Grieve

If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.

  • Share the sorrow. Allow them - even encourage them - to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
  • Don't offer false comfort. It doesn't help the grieving person when you say "it was for the best" or "you'll get over it in time." Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
  • Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
  • Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
  • Encourage professional help when necessary. Don't hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Helping Children Grieve

Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent's death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent's display of grief.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.

Coping with a child's grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child's anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

Looking to the Future

Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.

Other Resources:

For additional resources, please call the National Mental Health Association at 1-800-969-NMHA.

APA Reference
Gluck, S. (2022, January 11). Coping With Loss: Bereavement and Grief, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/coping-with-loss-bereavement-and-grief

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

What to Avoid When You Discipline a Child with PTSD

Avoiding certain actions when disciplining a child with PTSD is important. Learn what not to do when disciplining your traumatized child, on HealthyPlace.

Knowing how to discipline a child with PTSD is a crucial part of parenting a child who has experienced any type of trauma. Experiencing trauma, whether it was a single event or repeated incidents, negatively affects the child’s emotions, thoughts, physical reactions, and behaviors and decreases their ability to cope in constructive ways. Parents often feel powerless to help their children and at a loss regarding how to discipline them. Because knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do, here are some things to avoid when you discipline a traumatized child.

The Challenge of Disciplining a Child with PTSD

Kids who have experienced trauma often develop difficult behaviors. Being in constant survival mode and in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, their brain is on alert for dangers. What the brain seeks, it usually finds, so children with PTSD are easily triggered. This leads to disconcerting behaviors like:

  • Irritability
  • Clinginess
  • Frequent crying spells
  • Severe tantrums
  • Disobedience
  • Defiance
  • Refusal to listen or follow rules
  • Arguing
  • Talking back
  • Fighting
  • Getting into trouble (both school and home)
  • Running away
  • Substance use
  • Delinquency
  • Reckless, irresponsible behavior

These behaviors can be challenging, stressful, anxiety-provoking, and exhausting. Maybe you often feel at your wit’s end. All the frustrations that come with disciplining can interfere in your disciplining your child. Once you discover how to discipline a child with PTSD, the process becomes easier and your relationship with your child can improve.

What to Avoid When You Discipline a Traumatized Child

When addressing the above concerns, it’s important to keep in mind that they aren’t intentional but instead are reactions to triggers that remind the child of the trauma. It’s natural for parents and other caregivers to take the negative behaviors personally; however, no matter how it seems, the misbehavior frequently has nothing at all to do with the parents.

An important guideline for how not to discipline a child with PTSD is to avoid taking the behavior personally. Remembering that your child is operating out of trauma rather than negative emotions toward you will help you remain calm and tend to your child rather than the outbursts.

When kids feel safe, loved, and understood, they respond better to parental discipline. When discipline efforts disregard kids’ needs for protection and security, they can suffer setbacks that prolong healing and a lack of closeness to their parents. Avoid these approaches and actions when disciplining a child with PTSD:

  • Forgetting to address your child’s emotions before dealing with the behavior
  • Instantly reacting in anger or frustration
  • Yelling
  • Touching, grabbing, or spanking your child
  • Punishing—including any kind of physical punishment
  • Staring down the child or making prolonged eye contact (these are interpreted as aggression)
  • Ordering your child to talk/explain themselves
  • Interrupting and refusing to listen
  • Creating extreme expectations, either too high or too low
  • Letting yourself get sucked into power struggles, arguing and insisting on control

See: How to Discipline a Child Without Hitting or Yelling

Using this list of what not to do will go far in disciplining a child with PTSD. Avoiding these actions will help you lovingly teach your child what behaviors you find unacceptable.

What to Do Instead When Disciplining a Child with PTSD

Seek to understand your child’s PTSD symptoms and reactions to various triggers. This way, you can more easily avoid harmful discipline tactics and use a positive, gentle approach that helps children gradually heal from their traumatic experience(s). These qualities and actions go a long way helping kids feel loved and safe when disciplined:

  • Patience
  • Gentleness
  • A calm, quiet demeanor
  • Availability when your child needs to talk
  • Willingness to give your child some choices and control
  • Use of natural, logical, and short-term consequences
  • Realistic expectations for your child

Finally, the way you see your child is crucial. It affects how you interact with them and shapes your approach to discipline. A statement by the Health and Human Services/Children’s Bureau (n.d.) advises, “Parenting a traumatized child may require a shift from seeing a “bad kid” to seeing a kid who has had bad things happen.”

Indeed, the number one thing to avoid when disciplining a child with PTSD is to see only their bad behavior and using it to define who they are.

article references

APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). What to Avoid When You Discipline a Child with PTSD, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/discipline/what-to-avoid-when-you-discipline-a-child-with-ptsd

Last Updated: January 16, 2022

Teen Hotlines and Chat: Get Help Now

Teen suicide hotlines and teen suicide chat are available 24/7 when you need them. When you are feeling suicidal, there is no time to wait, a suicidal teen must get help now. While calling 9-1-1 is appropriate when there is an imminent risk to life (such as if a teen has ingested an overdose of medication), for suicidal feelings alone, a teen suicide hotline or teen suicide chat can be a way of getting immediate help with those feelings.

There are several teen suicide prevention lines available in the United States and other helplines designed to handle additional distress (such as in cases of abuse) that may be related to suicidal feelings.

Teenage Suicide Hotlines

The main suicide hotline for all of the United States is not teen specific but works with teens every day. It is The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Lifeline is a free and confidential 24-hour hotline for anyone experiencing emotional distress, including those thinking about suicide.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

A teen-specific suicide prevention lifeline is the one run by Boys Town National Hotline (for everyone, not just men), available 24 hours a day. You can also send this hotline an email and they will respond within 48 hours.

Youth Helpline, Your Life Your Voice: 1-800-448-3000

Another teen suicide hotline is available specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBTQ) youth. The Trevor Project is a 24-hour-a-day hotline.

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Keep in mind, there are also many suicide hotlines that serve only a local area as well. Find these teen suicide hotline numbers here.

Teen Suicide Chat – Text Messaging

Of course, many teens are used to communicating via text message and so, because of this, suicide hotlines also offer teen suicide text messaging help. This service, however, is typically not available 24 hours a day, seven days a week like the above hotlines are.

Youth Helpline, Your Life, Your Voice offers teen suicide chat via text message from 6:00 p.m.-midnight (CST) every day. Text "VOICE" to 20121 to start. Text with a counselor for free with the following carriers: AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile, Sprint, Virgin, Cricket, Nextel, Boost, MetroPCS (standard message & data rates may apply for other carriers).

The Trevor Project offers LGBTQ youth text chat from 4:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. on Fridays only. Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200 to start. (Standard text messaging rates apply.)

Teen Suicide Chat – Online Chat

Teen suicide prevention lines also offer online chat services. This could be a convenient way to get help for suicidal feelings for those who may not be comfortable talking on the phone.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers Lifeline Crisis Chat, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

The Youth Hotline, Your Life, Your Voice offers teen suicide chat from Monday-Friday, 6:00 p.m.-midnight (CST).

The Trevor Project offers TrevorChat, a teenage suicide chat for LGBTQ youth, seven days a week from 3:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. (EST).

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2022, January 11). Teen Hotlines and Chat: Get Help Now, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2025, May 11 from https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/teen-hotlines-and-chat-get-help-now

Last Updated: January 16, 2022